Tag: 5 Days to Freedom from Anger in Your Marriage

‘We love each other because he loved us first.’ 1 John 4:19(NLT)

‘So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other. Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples.”’ John 13:34-35(NLT)

‘And do everything with love.’ 1 Corinthians 16:14(NLT)

Without love, we cope under conditions that God never intended. Couples become roommates, or worse.  

Warm romantic feelings come after true biblical love is put into action. When my own marriage was in trouble, each day I took a verse about love and chose to live it our practically toward my husband.

Our relationship took a sharp turn. It took time, but when one person loves another like Jesus does, it’s nearly impossible for that other person to remain unchanged. We must stop fighting our husbands and wives and start fighting the real enemy, Satan. He wants us to nag, ignore, bristle, and withdraw. We fight against that by doing the exact opposite. When we show unconditional love to our husbands and wives, we disarm the forces of evil hellbent on destroying our marriages.

“We love because he first loved us.” (I John 4:19, NIV)

Jesus loved us first. God’s Word is not an empty dialogue; it’s an active instruction manual for our everyday lives. Here’s how we can apply it regarding demonstrations of love in our marriages:

“Let all that you do be done in love.” (I Corinthians 16:14, ESV) Take out the trash, in love. Compliment her dress, in love. Give him a kiss, in love. Call her on your lunch break, in love. Tell him you appreciate his hard work, in love. Approach your financial problem, in love. Invite her into the bedroom, make him his favorite meal, clean up another mess, settle the kids’ arguing, in love. Do everything from a place of love, being filled by the Holy Spirit, whether or not your spouse does the same.

“A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.” (John 13:34-35, ESV)

Love is a holy equalizer, removing the record of wrongs from our memories. You and I both have committed a multitude of wrongs ourselves. We can keep track, or we can keep our marriages intact. 

Acts of love create a breeding ground for feelings to germinate. Any reasonable spouse will respond to being loved well. Loving your husband breaks down his defenses. Loving your wife softens her spirit. Biblical marital love begins with obedience and ends with blessing upon blessing.

If you love your spouse, you will actively look for ways to enhance his/her life on a daily basis.   Like so many of my readers, I have been in a place of constant bickering and I’ve been in a place of cold indifference in my marriage. Neither of those conditions is worth settling for. God assures us that love is the answer and while it’s wonderful to be on the receiving end, God instructs us to be His conduit, first and foremost. God always equips us to do what He asks of us. It’s doable if you’re available. Do you want to feel love in your marriage? Nothing will fill your heart more than mirroring the unconditional love of Christ toward your spouse. Love with everything you’ve got, and you’ll have everything to gain.

Let’s Pray: Jesus, thank You for loving me. When I consider how much You have loved me, even at my worst, I am humbled. I know that I can’t manufacture loving feelings, but I believe Your Word is truth. I believe that if I am obedient, love will flourish in my marriage. Help us not to fly off the handle! Stop us from keeping a record of wrongs. Help us to always look for the best in one another!  Lord, it hurts when I don’t feel loved by my spouse, but I refuse to give in to hopelessness. Jesus, I can picture our relationship as one where love cannot be contained. You promise that You can do things beyond all we ask or imagine… Thank You for being a God of hope! In Jesus’ Name, Amen!”

from 5 Days to Freedom from Anger in Your Marriage

‘“Do to others whatever you would like them to do to you. This is the essence of all that is taught in the law and the prophets.’ Matthew 7:12(NLT)

‘But the words you speak come from the heart—that’s what defiles you. ‘ Matthew 15:18(NLT)

‘Watch your tongue and keep your mouth shut, and you will stay out of trouble.’ Proverbs 21:23(NLT)

‘Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.’ Romans 12:2(NLT)

Broken communication is a result of broken people. Understanding that opens our hearts to demonstrating grace toward our spouses.  As much as I want to be the best wife I can be, I’m a sinner–and so is my husband. In the early years of our marriage, our angry reactions to conflict turned adversarial or hurtful. They should have been opportunities to learn about one another and grow in grace. Some of the biggest issues relating to poor communication include:

Bottling feelings instead of talking about them

Tone of voice that is angry or rude

Nagging

Ignoring

Passive-aggressive behavior

Being distracted by devices

Making assumptions

Feeling unheard

Not following through on agreements

Arguing to win instead of talking to problem solve

Name calling

Foul language

Texting instead of talking

Hearing but not listening

It’s a long list, but don’t despair, the Bible has all the answers to all our communication triggers.

Matthew 7:12 (ESV) says, “So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets.” Notice, the verse does not say we should yell, throw a fit, retreat and sulk, or gossip to others about our husbands or wives. When Guy and I are in the middle of a disagreement, the Holy Spirit often enters my thinking and prompts my heart with this question, “Amber, do you want to win, or do you want love to win?”

A good foundational truth for healthy communication is found in Matthew 15:18 (NIV). The apostle writes, “But the things that come out of a person’s mouth come from the heart, and these defile them.” As much as we would like to point fingers and focus on how to fix our spouse, the truth of the matter is that we can only change ourselves. This verse reveals to us where broken communication begins: in our own hearts. The things we say, or don’t say, flow from our hearts. Dark heart. Dark words. Kind heart. Kind words. Resentful heart. Resentful words. Godly thinking. Godly communication.

The only way for a heart to be transformed is by committing to reading our Bibles and applying what we read. When relationship triggers jostle us, whatever is in our hearts will spill out. If the Truths of God’s Word, like Matthew 7:12, are deeply rooted in our hearts, then our natural responses turn supernatural. The only way we can breathe life into our spouses is if we are intentionally being transformed by the renewing of our minds through God’s Word. (Romans 12:2, NIV)

A great starting point for couples who have broken communication is to choose a verse or two to focus on and allow God to speak into your marriage with those verses in mind. Write them out and put them on display in your home or on the steering wheel of your car. Set a reminder on your phone with the communication goal you have in mind and the Bible verse you are dwelling on so that it pops up several times a day. We can’t do and say the same old things and expect a different result.

A happy marriage where communication thrives is a reward you can enjoy now, but the messages you send to one another supersede good communication. They convey your willingness to fulfill the eternal purpose of your life, to love God and to love others.

Let’s Pray: Dear Lord, you have given us instructions in Your Word. We are not helpless to know how to talk with one another. My husband/wife and I are not communicating in ways that honor You. We feel stuck! Father, please help us to communicate with loving-kindness. Let our hearts be so in tune with Your heart that our words, body language, tone of voice, and actions demonstrate our desire to communicate effectively. Father, I love my husband/wife. Do a good work in our marriage, opening up our ability to talk with one another in ways that make us stronger, not tearing each other apart. In Jesus’ Name, Amen!

from 5 Days to Freedom from Anger in Your Marriage

‘For God called you to do good, even if it means suffering, just as Christ suffered for you. He is your example, and you must follow in his steps.’ 1 Peter 2:21(NLT)

‘Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. ‘ Matthew 11:28(NLT)

Our marriage triggers become marriage testers. The test of weariness and exhaustion makes or breaks us. If you feel this way, there is hope. We find help to go from triggered to triumphant in I Peter 2:21 (ESV) where the apostle Peter guides us toward godly thinking. He writes:

“For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in his steps.”

Christ is our example. That’s a lot to aspire to, isn’t it? Nevertheless, God doesn’t give us an “out” in times of weariness and exhaustion. When He was cursed, He blessed. When needy crowds pressed in relentlessly, He made Himself available. When they were hungry, He fed them. When they needed correction, He lovingly but boldly gave it to them. When they hurt Him, He forgave them. When He needed sleep, He pressed on. When He suffered, He kept the eternal picture in mind. He kept you and me in mind.

On our wedding days, we promised to love and cherish our spouses.  In order to do that well, we can’t just pull ourselves up by our bootstraps when the going gets rough. Allowing Jesus to care for us enables us to care for our spouses.

Matthew 11:28 (ERV) says: “Come to me all of you who are tired from the heavy burden you have been forced to carry. I will give you rest.”

Your burdens may feel anything but light today. God is not trying to make light of your circumstances. He wants you to see your circumstances through His light. We are not helpless or forgotten in our times of need. Jesus knows the number of hairs on your head. Why would He take such care to count them if they were not precious to Him? Don’t allow an hour to go by before taking your cares to Jesus. Because the Bible is our Daily Bread, we become malnourished spiritually if we neglect it. Spending time with the Lord refreshes our spirits and strengthens us to face both our trials and our triggers.

If you feel triggered by the weariness and exhaustion of your circumstances, you won’t be able to combat your anger and frustration until you lay your burden down at the feet of Jesus. Jesus asks us to learn from Him. To take note of how gentle and humble He is. In the same way that our angry reactions typically spark even bigger angry reactions in our spouses, Jesus’ gentle and humble spirit rubs off on us, producing a supernatural steadiness of heart and mind.

As we give our weariness to the Lord, His gentleness becomes our gentleness. His humility is reflected in our own. As we grow in character, exhaustion gives way to strength upon strength, equipping us with the ability to overcome the temptation to lash out in frustration.

The husband and wife who are followers of Christ never have to operate on empty or be quick to anger. We are promised the fruit of supernatural strength and given an example in the person of Jesus Christ.

The heart filled with godly character has very little room for angry reactions. Let’s accept the invitation to “come” to the Lord and find rest for our souls by demonstrating gentleness and humility in our marriages as trust in Him.

Let’s Pray: Lord Jesus, thank You for being an example to us. You hold the answer to all our marriage problems. You know how we feel. Thank You for inviting us to come. We beg of You to help us grow in gentleness and humility. Lord, give us a desire to put our husband or wife’s needs before our own. As we pour out, let us be filled supernaturally with Your rest. Let us love one another deeply, letting go of anger and resentment. In Jesus’ Name, Amen!

from 5 Days to Freedom from Anger in Your Marriage

‘Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will also be.’ Matthew 6:21(NLT)

‘And this same God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from his glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus.’ Philippians 4:19(NLT)

‘“Sell your possessions and give to those in need. This will store up treasure for you in heaven! And the purses of heaven never get old or develop holes. Your treasure will be safe; no thief can steal it and no moth can destroy it. Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will also be.’ Luke 12:33-34(NLT)

It’s important to ask ourselves some poignant questions when conflicts over finances (or any other issue) arise:

What is my goal in dealing with this issue?

Am I opening my heart to understanding my spouse’s point of view? Can I let go of my need in this situation for the betterment of my spouse/marriage? Am I being humble? Is what I am saying and thinking, biblical? If we don’t come to a place of agreement or understanding, am I willing to yield? Can I grace my spouse and give them what they don’t deserve, just as Jesus does for me so often?

When peace rules our hearts, that is the moment to hash things out and set some specific plans in place. When emotions are high, few of us can become teachable or communicate in a way that has the other person’s best interest wholly in mind. Our emotions block us from thinking logically or responding gently and biblically.

Certain moments in our lives can be trigger moments. Are financial discussions one of your trigger moments? Do you cringe every time the topic of money comes up? A good idea is to decide with your spouse that you will talk about finances only when you have the budget right in front of you or only on the weekend when your schedules are more “relaxed”. Coming to these kinds of agreements with one another is a proactive way to avoid the reactive disagreements we all want to avoid.

The key is to be inclusive of one another’s ideas and feelings, working toward a reasonable and godly practice of stewardship. It sounds simple enough, but we forget that money is never more important than the people in our lives. But what if your spouse refuses to collaborate with you? God is more interested in our own transformation than He is in fixing our circumstances so that we don’t have to change. When your husband disregards your feelings about spending, commit to being mindful of his feelings. When your wife forgets to balance the checkbook, be diligent on your end. You can never go wrong by doing what is right!

The issue of money is mentioned more than 800 times throughout the Bible. The words “love” and “sin” are each referred to half as many times as money! Why does God put such an emphasis on this topic? For good reason. Matthew 6:21 (NIV) reminds us: “For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” Whatever we do with our money is a reflection of our hearts. 

When righteous anger fills our hearts, He searches our souls to guard us against the co-mingling of unrighteous anger. If our spouse resists change or carries on unwisely in financial decisions, He helps us to respond with loving-kindness and discernment. When worry and discontent threaten to discourage us, Jesus is ready to offer us peace and satisfaction. When everything and everyone seems unstable Jesus remains steadfast. Put your trust in Him to both refine you and meet your needs and you will find a security that is far more valuable than money.

Let’s Pray: “Heavenly Father, You are our Provider. I trust You to cover our financial needs. Forgive me for my lack of faith. My views about money have often been sinful and need Your help to manage and steward the money you have given to me and my spouse. Grant us your wisdom. Allow financial discussions to bring us together instead of tearing us apart. All we have is Yours, Lord. May our finances reflect our desire to love and serve You. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

from 5 Days to Freedom from Anger in Your Marriage

‘I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.’ Romans 15:13(NLT)

‘Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.’ Proverbs 3:6(NLT)

My friend Amy lived the fairy tale married life until she found out she was pregnant with quadruplets. Hospitalized early on in her pregnancy, she and her husband, Phil, scrambled, preparing for their lives to turn upside down. Then, at age 2, their precious son, Jordan, faced the fight of his life when he was diagnosed with leukemia. Their fairy tale barely had a chance.

The stress of family life triggered arguments and left almost no time to nurture their own relationship. Life turned out much, much different than they expected.

For many of us who can relate to Amy and Phil, we might not even recognize our anger as it is often layered under discontent, fear, or anxiety. When our reality is at odds with our hopes and dreams, we become hard to please. Nothing our spouse does is acceptable because we are living in a perpetual place of discomfort. Let’s ask ourselves a few questions. Are we complaining to others about our spouses? Do we have a critical spirit? These are telltale signs of an angry heart. Discovering this about ourselves is no reason to feel guilt or shame if we allow the discovery to push us toward spiritual growth.

Proverbs 3:6 (NAS), says: “In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He will make your paths straight.” Our paths may be unexpected to us, but that doesn’t mean that God has made a mistake.

Hope that comes from God is genuine, deeply rooted in our knowledge that God is good, and He is for us. If you don’t believe that the present circumstances in your marriage are for your good, then you are under the influence of a lie. We may not have control over how our lives have turned out but we always have the power to make the best of the life we have. We always have a choice to trust God with the circumstances of our lives. One day, we will understand why things turned out the way they did. Today is not that day. Today is the day for trusting God.

We can either survey the twists and turns of our lives and become angry, making ourselves and everyone around us more miserable, or we can accept the peace of God, and look to Him to make something beautiful out of our lives. Your spouse will fail you. Jobs will come and go. When you can’t believe what has happened to your life, take the next step that God lays before you. Make meals, do your work to the best of your ability, speak kindly to your husband or wife, be patient as you wait in line to be seated at a restaurant, send a card to a service man or woman oversees, mentor a group of young men, shovel your neighbor’s driveway. Do the next right thing in front of you yielding to God’s will for your life. And every time you do, hope rises.

If you are reading this devotional, potential looms before you. We may need to let go of our own versions of our fairy tales, but we have a God who is able to do exceedingly abundantly beyond all we could ask or imagine. On the mountain top, or in the valley, hope in God is ours for the taking. Hope on. Hope ever. Your story isn’t over yet.

Let’s Pray: God, my life is not at all what I thought it would be and neither is my marriage. I trust that Your plans for my life are good–better than mine. Father give me hope. I yield the picture of what I thought my life would look like to You. Let me be a good and godly wife/husband, even when I’m struggling. Anything is possible with You, Lord! In Jesus’ Name, Amen!

from 5 Days to Freedom from Anger in Your Marriage