Tag: 12 Days To A Love That Lasts

‘So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep. While the man slept, the Lord God took out one of the man’s ribs and closed up the opening. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib, and he brought her to the man. “At last!” the man exclaimed. “This one is bone from my bone, and flesh from my flesh! She will be called ‘woman,’ because she was taken from ‘man.’” This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one. Now the man and his wife were both naked, but they felt no shame.’ Genesis 2:21-25(NLT)

‘Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.’ 1 Corinthians 13:4-7(NLT)

Here it is! The final day of our twelve essential building blocks to a love that lasts! And we’re closing it out with a bit of a curveball: what is your theology of marriage?

 

Marriage is about so many different things – that’s why books and books and books have been written about it in the past and will be written about it in the future until Jesus returns. Marriage is a multi-faceted jewel that illuminates our world.

 

But when it all comes down to it, you and your spouse have to have a coherent theology of marriage. You have to understand that, like we read in our passages today, marriage is about both knowing someone and being known by them.

 

It’s about being completely and entirely in love with the whole person, not just the parts you like.

 

It’s about finding your true self in being “naked and unashamed” with one another. Knowing that, no matter what, you can be who you truly are with them and they will love you all the more for it.

 

That’s the kind of love God has for us – and it’s the kind of love that forms a marriage. That’s the kind of love that lasts. 

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‘Have you never heard? Have you never understood? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of all the earth. He never grows weak or weary. No one can measure the depths of his understanding. He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless. Even youths will become weak and tired, and young men will fall in exhaustion. But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.’ Isaiah 40:28-31(NLT)

‘And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. ‘ Philippians 4:8(NLT)

We’re almost through this reading plan, and we’ve finally come upon a topic that has stolen so many marriages:

 

Addiction.

 

The thing with addiction is that it’s incredibly complex. As much as we’d just love to pray and believe on behalf of our addicted spouses, there are no easy solutions in this arena.

 

Addiction is overcome through a complex process of admission, accountability, discipleship, and daily perseverance, and it almost always requires professional counseling.

 

The good news is that addiction can be overcome, and marriages that have been decimated by it can be rebuilt even more strongly than before. It takes a lot of work, as well as daily shovels full of grace toward one another, but it can be done.

 

You can’t find a love that lasts alongside someone who’s still wallowing in their addiction – but you can find one with an addict. That’s good news.  

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‘My child, never forget the things I have taught you. Store my commands in your heart. If you do this, you will live many years, and your life will be satisfying. Never let loyalty and kindness leave you! Tie them around your neck as a reminder. Write them deep within your heart. Then you will find favor with both God and people, and you will earn a good reputation. Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.’ Proverbs 3:1-6(NLT)

‘“If you are faithful in little things, you will be faithful in large ones. But if you are dishonest in little things, you won’t be honest with greater responsibilities. And if you are untrustworthy about worldly wealth, who will trust you with the true riches of heaven? And if you are not faithful with other people’s things, why should you be trusted with things of your own?’ Luke 16:10-12(NLT)

Today is all about trust.

 

This is a biggie.

 

The passage we read from Luke is often one you hear read aloud when it’s time to collect the offering at church, but while it can apply to one’s possessions, it can also apply to your spouse’s heart.

 

Namely: if you’re trustworthy in the little, day to day things, then you’re showing them that you can be trusted in the bigger things.

 

Just like your marriage itself, trust is built over time. The more trustworthy you show yourself to be, the more your spouse will trust you with more and more of their heart.

 

You want a love that lasts? Build it on trust. Slowly, daily, year after year. That’s the kind of love that can last a lifetime.

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‘“The Lord formed me from the beginning, before he created anything else. I was appointed in ages past, at the very first, before the earth began. I was born before the oceans were created, before the springs bubbled forth their waters. Before the mountains were formed, before the hills, I was born— before he had made the earth and fields and the first handfuls of soil. I was there when he established the heavens, when he drew the horizon on the oceans. I was there when he set the clouds above, when he established springs deep in the earth. I was there when he set the limits of the seas, so they would not spread beyond their boundaries. And when he marked off the earth’s foundations,’ Proverbs 8:22-29(NLT)

‘Just as our bodies have many parts and each part has a special function, so it is with Christ’s body. We are many parts of one body, and we all belong to each other. In his grace, God has given us different gifts for doing certain things well. So if God has given you the ability to prophesy, speak out with as much faith as God has given you. If your gift is serving others, serve them well. If you are a teacher, teach well. If your gift is to encourage others, be encouraging. If it is giving, give generously. If God has given you leadership ability, take the responsibility seriously. And if you have a gift for showing kindness to others, do it gladly.’ Romans 12:4-8(NLT)

We’re two-thirds of the way through our reading and now it’s time to focus in on something we’ve already talked around: boundaries.

 

We know we all have different gifts, all of which are given to us by God. Respecting one another’s boundaries is really just a way to honor those gifts. To understand that, while we want unity in our marriages, we don’t want lock-step conformity.

 

This also gets back to the idea of rhythms that we talked about a few days ago. Just like we each have our own rhythms, we also have our own interests and responsibilities – and those don’t always line up with those of our spouse.

 

That’s okay!

 

It’s not your job to turn your spouse into another version of you. It’s your job to celebrate them for who they are – all of it. Just like today’s passage from Proverbs, where we read from the point of view of wisdom personified, we understand that boundaries lead to beauty.

 

And beauty is a key part of a love that lasts.

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‘How wonderful and pleasant it is when brothers live together in harmony! For harmony is as precious as the anointing oil that was poured over Aaron’s head, that ran down his beard and onto the border of his robe. Harmony is as refreshing as the dew from Mount Hermon that falls on the mountains of Zion. And there the Lord has pronounced his blessing, even life everlasting.’ Psalms 133:1-3(NLT)

‘“I am praying not only for these disciples but also for all who will ever believe in me through their message. I pray that they will all be one, just as you and I are one—as you are in me, Father, and I am in you. And may they be in us so that the world will believe you sent me. “I have given them the glory you gave me, so they may be one as we are one. I am in them and you are in me. May they experience such perfect unity that the world will know that you sent me and that you love them as much as you love me. ‘ John 17:20-23(NLT)

We’re more than halfway through this scripture plan and we’ve come to what may be the most impactful day yet:

 

We’re talking about faith.

 

Not just the act of faith, which is often just something we say when we’re talking about believing that God will act on our behalf. No, we’re talking about your actual faith – what you believe about God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit, scripture, church… all of it.

 

Faith is meant to be a major unifier, but all too often in a marriage it can wind up becoming divisive. We can very easily lose sight of the basics and get caught up in arguments about what are actually minor things.

 

This is what you must guard against in your marriage. A German theologian in the 1600s famously wrote that Christians should have, “Unity in what is essential, liberty in nonessentials, and in all things charity.”

 

This is a good way to approach faith in your marriage. Agree on the basics, let the minor things alone, and treat every aspect of your relationship with charity.

 

This is how you build a love that lasts – by building it on a strong faith foundation that holds the important things tightly and everything else loosely.

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‘For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven. A time to be born and a time to die. A time to plant and a time to harvest. A time to kill and a time to heal. A time to tear down and a time to build up. A time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance. A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones. A time to embrace and a time to turn away. A time to search and a time to quit searching. A time to keep and a time to throw away. A time to tear and a time to mend. A time to be quiet and a time to speak. A time to love and a time to hate. A time for war and a time for peace.’ Ecclesiastes 3:1-8(NLT)

‘And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don’t know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words. And the Father who knows all hearts knows what the Spirit is saying, for the Spirit pleads for us believers in harmony with God’s own will. And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. ‘ Romans 8:26-28(NLT)

Rhythm is something that’s built right into creation. We see that in the well-worn passage from Ecclesiastes we read today: there’s a time and a season for everything. We can’t be doing everything all the time with no breaks – that’s a recipe for burnout.

 

The (sometimes) frustrating thing is: rhythm is also something that’s built into each of us as well. We all have our individual rhythms, the ways we like to go about living our lives, and working with the rhythms of the world, of the body, of the mind, and of the spirit is necessary in order to function properly.

 

So then what do you do if you and your spouse have different rhythms?

 

It’s so tricky! But that’s one of the many reasons why we have the Holy Spirit, because He can help us in submitting to one another, even when we don’t understand them or their rhythms.

 

Understanding that we have rhythms is the first key in finding ways to make those rhythms line up with one another so that we can find unity and build a love that lasts. So embrace your spouse’s rhythms and then work to find ways to line them up with yours.

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‘Timely advice is lovely, like golden apples in a silver basket. To one who listens, valid criticism is like a gold earring or other gold jewelry. Trustworthy messengers refresh like snow in summer. They revive the spirit of their employer. A person who promises a gift but doesn’t give it is like clouds and wind that bring no rain. Patience can persuade a prince, and soft speech can break bones.’ Proverbs 25:11-15(NLT)

‘Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. ‘ James 1:19(NLT)

No matter how blissful your relationship, no matter how easily you mesh together, no matter how many stress-free days you’ve had together, one thing is certain:

 

Conflict will come.

 

It’s unavoidable. Even the most star-kissed relationship that has ever existed, with each member of the couple constantly oohing and ahhing and finishing one another’s sentences with a cute giggle – even that couple will encounter conflict. Someday.

 

That’s why you need to know how to handle it when it happens.

 

Today’s scripture encourages us to be slow to speak – a useful admonish when conflict inevitably rears its ugly head. It also reminds us to be slow to anger – something that can often more easily be said than done.

 

Are you quick to speak? Are you prone to anger? Do you know why? Have you ever stopped to dig into those tendencies and figure them out? Because if you can, then you’re well on your way to mitigating conflict in the future.   

 

And engaging with conflict in a healthy and productive way – that’s a major building block in creating a love that lasts.

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‘May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to you, O Lord , my rock and my redeemer.’ Psalms 19:14(NLT)

‘“And why worry about a speck in your friend’s eye when you have a log in your own? How can you think of saying, ‘Friend, let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,’ when you can’t see past the log in your own eye? Hypocrite! First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend’s eye.’ Luke 6:41-42(NLT)

Now it’s time to get into the real nuts and bolts of building a love that lasts: communication.

 

This is the big one. The important one. The one you always hear about, until maybe you’re sick of it and respond, exasperated, “Yes, I know! Communication is important in marriage!”

 

But there’s a reason you always hear about the necessity of communication: because it really is that important.

The thing about communication, though, is that it isn’t just about being heard – it’s also about hearing. It’s about actively listening while your spouse is talking so that you truly hear what they have to say – and them responding in kind.

 

But communication isn’t just about talking, either. Dialogue is important, but it’s not the only part of communication. You communicate through your face, through your tone of voice – even through your actions.

 

If you want to build   a love that lasts, you have to learn to communicate with your spouse, in as many forms of communication as you can. Fortunately, you don’t have to learn this on your own – God is here to help you. Pray, read scripture, and enlist   His help to get you on the road to blissful communication.

 

  It really is that important.

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‘My child, listen when your father corrects you. Don’t neglect your mother’s instruction. What you learn from them will crown you with grace and be a chain of honor around your neck.’ Proverbs 1:8-9(NLT)

‘Children, always obey your parents, for this pleases the Lord. Fathers, do not aggravate your children, or they will become discouraged.’ Colossians 3:20-21(NLT)

Last time we talked about sex, so this time we need to talk about the result of sex: kids. More specifically, we’re talking about parenting!

 

Marriage in general is a team effort, but there is perhaps no aspect of marriage more in need of teamwork than parenting.

 

As we read in today’s passage from Proverbs, children need instruction from both their mother and father. But not only that, the writer of Proverbs used an interesting metaphor: the parents’ instruction will be a crown around the head and a necklace around the neck.

 

If we keep that metaphor going and imagine parental instruction as jewelry, then we need to understand that, like all good jewelry, the pieces should match!

 

This is why parenting is a team effort: because mom and dad have to be on the same page and complement one another, just like a matching set of jewelry.

 

Of course, this is one of those things that’s easier said than done, which is why we have prayer. Pray together, then talk deeply with one another about your hopes, dreams, and plans for your kids so that you can be on the same page – and so your kids can look great in all that matching wisdom!

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‘Let your wife be a fountain of blessing for you. Rejoice in the wife of your youth. She is a loving deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts satisfy you always. May you always be captivated by her love.’ Proverbs 5:18-19(NLT)

‘The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife. Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control. ‘ 1 Corinthians 7:3-5(NLT)

Finally! It took three days, but now we’re getting to the good stuff. We’re talking about sex.

 

Sex is a wonderful, God-created act that has almost as many facets as it does ways to engage in it. The problem is that our warped cultural perception often infiltrates even our Godly thinking about sex. And that’s when we start to get away from a love that lasts.

 

If you want to build a love that lasts, start with this foundational thinking about sex: God created it to build intimacy between you, and the way that intimacy gets built is through service.

 

Sex isn’t about you. It’s about them.

 

Sex isn’t self-serving – it’s spouse-serving and couple-serving. You aren’t lounging in the marital bed to make yourself feel good – you’re there to generate intimacy and mutuality between the two of you.   

 

So, yes, if you want to build a love that lasts, keep having sex! But remember that sex is a beautiful, creative act that takes on so much more   meaning – and pleasure – when you serve one another.

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