Tag: 10 Days To A Better Marriage

‘Therefore, accept each other just as Christ has accepted you so that God will be given glory. ‘ Romans 15:7(NLT)

Every human being has a core need to belong. We want to know that people believe in us, approve of us, and accept us for who we are. Acceptance seems to be pretty easy when we’re dating. After marriage, acceptance gets harder because we bump into those differences more often! On top of that, we begin to deal with life circumstances we weren’t necessarily expecting. This is why we need our God-tool of acceptance. 

Acceptance is the action of fully receiving someone for who they completely are without trying to change, alter, or correct them. This is a hard one for many of us. We say we accept our spouse, but in those dark places of reality, we are really trying to change them. They are driving us nuts and we want it to stop. This was honestly at the core of my (Mark) disillusionment with my marriage when I left. I couldn’t see it then, but I see it clearly now. 

Both Jill and I have had quite a learning curve when it comes to the tool of acceptance. For me (Jill) acceptance is a God-tool I’ve had a hard time remembering to use. My pride of thinking my way is the right way too often gets in the way. I want Mark’s brain to work like mine, and when it doesn’t, my tendency is to criticize or to try to change him. I want Mark to like some of the same things I like, and when he doesn’t, I work to change his perspective. When I’m doing those kinds of things, I’m not accepting him for who he is and how God made him. 

Acceptance has helped me honor my husband. It’s helped me celebrate who he is. Mark moves at a different pace than I do so I’m learning to honor his slower steps forward…even his pauses to stop and smell the flowers along the way. I’m not his mom. I’m not his coach. I’m not his teacher. I’m his wife, and acceptance has helped me to link arms with the man I love in order to walk through life together. 

As I (Mark) worked through the affair and examined the “why’s” behind what happened in my head and my heart, I realized I wasn’t accepting Jill for who she is. Instead, I was working against her, trying to change her into what was easier and more comfortable for me. I was working to make her into who I wanted her to be.

My first step in learning to use the tool of acceptance was asking God for forgiveness. I cleaned up the mess I made in my head and my heart against my wife. Once I cleaned up my inside mess, I then asked Jill for forgiveness. Then the real work began for me. I had to start seeing the good in Jill…even in the things that frustrated me. 

There is so much good in our differences, but before I learned about acceptance, I couldn’t see those things. Not only that, but I took our challenges personally. I made things about me that, while they affected me, weren’t about me at all. 

I confess I am the guy who is always wanting the “easy button.” I am the guy has always desired the “no combat and no conflict zone.” But I’m also the guy who just went along for the ride, not wanting to make waves while bitterness was simmering beneath the surface. 

We invite you to change your prayer today. Instead of “God, change her,” or “Lord, change him,” start praying “Father, please change me.” That’s the first step in picking up your God-tool of acceptance.

What about you? Where do you need to stop trying to change your spouse and instead accept him or her just as he or she is? 

from 10 Days To A Better Marriage

‘Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. ‘ Colossians 3:12-13(NLT)

Since I (Jill) tend to be a “buck up” person, that means I’m a buck up mom and a buck up wife. That also means in the past, I was pretty low on compassion. This is one big place God has been growing me in a huge way. For years I claimed “this is just the way God made me.” Then I did a study on the character of God. When I got to “God is compassionate,” I gulped with conviction. If God is compassionate, and I’m created in the image of God, then that means I can become compassionate. Over time I’ve come to understand compassion really is one of our much-needed God-tools for marriage! 

Author and speaker Tammy Maltby shared with me, “Compassion is a choice. We must choose to see. We must choose to reach out to the other person and weep when they weep. We use our tears and pain to relate, to build a bridge into another person’s reality. It is one of God’s most powerful tools.”

Compassion feels. It builds bridges. Compassion creates a sense of safety and security in your marriage and in the relationships that mean the most to you. Learning to listen with empathy helps your spouse trust you more. It causes him/her to feel validated and loved. Compassion helps you slow down, tune in, and really connect to those you love. It’s a God-tool that’s so underused in marriage, particularly as stress increases, margin decreases, and you become more familiar with your spouse’s imperfections. Closely related to compassion is kindness and patience. In fact, it’s safe to say that if you’re using your God-tool of compassion, you’ll be more likely to be kind and patient, as well. 

When Mark went through his mid-life crisis, God used those nine months to grow me in compassion. Initially I was hurt and angry, of course. Soon, however, I began to see Mark as confused and hurting. He wasn’t the enemy but instead was being blinded by the enemy. He had lost his way. I believe the more I used the God-tool of compassion, the more it opened me up to love “unhumanably.” 

Need to increase your use of the God-tool of compassion? You’ll want to start focusing on the feelings, not a solution. This is where the old adage “people don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care,” comes into play. You don’t have to agree with emotions when you validate them. You simply have to let the other person know you are connecting to the reality of what they’re feeling. 

You’ll also want to look at your spouse through God’s eyes. See them as broken. Wounded. In process. In need of a Savior. Struggling. Lost. Confused. Imperfect. See them through eyes of grace and love. 

And then finally you’ll need to respond with empathetic, validating statements. “I bet that was so disappointing,” or “I’m sure that hurt your heart deeply,” or “That breaks my heart. I would imagine it broke yours,” or “I’m so sorry. I’m sure that was painful for you to experience.” These kinds of caring responses let your spouse know he or she is heard and cared for. 

What about you? Where do you need to see your spouse through the lens of compassion? Where do you need to respond compassionately? 

from 10 Days To A Better Marriage

‘If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking. ‘ James 1:5(NLT)

‘one God and Father of all, who is over all, in all, and living through all.’ Ephesians 4:6(NLT)

‘But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart. ‘ Matthew 5:28(NLT)

‘You say, “Food was made for the stomach, and the stomach for food.” (This is true, though someday God will do away with both of them.) But you can’t say that our bodies were made for sexual immorality. They were made for the Lord, and the Lord cares about our bodies. ‘ 1 Corinthians 6:13(NLT)

‘Pride leads to conflict; those who take advice are wise.’ Proverbs 13:10(NLT)

Nobody comes into marriage knowing how to be married. We might think we know, but it doesn’t take long to realize “you don’t know what you don’t know.” Even if you had good role models growing up, there’s much you didn’t see that contributed to a lifelong marriage. Much of what happens in marriage are the little things. The wrong little choices pull us apart and the right little choices keep us connected. It’s our God-tool of wisdom that keeps us making the right little choices. 

Learning about marriage is a lifelong journey. Even couples that have been married for decades need to keep seeking wisdom on how to be the right person, how to better understand the differences, how to deepen intimacy—both sexual and non-sexual, how to stop the fades, and how to handle anything that life throws our way. 

We gain wisdom from the Bible, from the knowledge and experience of wise people, and from our own experiences. Some people look at the Bible as a book full of rules. What we need to see, however, is a book full of direction and guidelines that protect us from the consequences of foolish choices. Living life God’s way doesn’t protect us from bad things happening in our lives; this is a broken world after all. The wisdom in the Bible, however, does protect us from the consequences of our own poor choices. 

Maybe your spouse wants nothing to do with making your marriage any better. Maybe you feel like “what’s the use? I’m the only one truly making an effort here. Why am I trying so hard when he/she doesn’t seem to be?” Before we go any further, there’s an important piece of God’s wisdom you need to focus on. It’s found in Colossians 3:23, “Work willingly at whatever you do, as though you were working for the Lord, rather than for people.” No matter what your spouse does, you have to be motivated by doing the right things for God. Not for a specific result, but simply because God asks you to do things His way. The beautiful thing about this is that you will gain wisdom! You will be changed! And if one person changes in a marriage, the marriage changes! 

Much of the mess I (Mark) made in our marriage happened because I disregarded the wisdom from God’s Word. I knew what God said about anger being out of control (Ephesians 4:26), but I still let anger consume me. I knew that God’s Word said that if you looked at a woman lustfully, God considers that committing adultery in my heart (Matthew 5:28), but I still clicked on pornography. I knew it wasn’t wise to talk to an old female friend on Facebook (1 Corinthians 16:13), but I did anyway, and those conversations fanned the flames of an affair. In other words, wisdom was a tool in my marriage tool belt I knowingly chose not to use. Sure I wasn’t thinking of that in the moment…or maybe I was, but I was choosing to ignore that still small voice of wisdom and accountability in my head. 

Humility and wisdom go hand in hand. In fact, Proverbs 13:10 tells us, “Pride only breeds quarrels, but wisdom is found in those who take advice.” Humility allows us to hear the wisdom of others. Humility opens our hearts to the wisdom of God’s Truth. Humility lets us take a hard look at our experiences and determine whether we should repeat the same actions or run in the opposite direction! Now that’s wisdom we all desperately need!

What about you? Where do you need to seek wisdom in how you’re responding in your marriage?  

from 10 Days To A Better Marriage

‘Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. ‘ Philippians 2:3(NLT)

Our human nature wants to do what we want to do. Pride so easily sneaks in and does a number on our marriage. It’s self-centered. Self-focused. Self-preserving. It’s all about “I” and “me.” Pride keeps us from apologizing when we’re wrong. It builds walls, crushes kindness, and kills intimacy.

Pride is a thief. It robs us of our joy because we are obsessed with believing we deserve something better than what we have. It cheats us of God’s plan for our lives because we demand our own way. Pride robs us of knowledge because we already know it all. It keeps us from experiencing healing because we refuse to forgive, and we wouldn’t dream of admitting we are wrong. It steals intimacy from our relationship with God because “I can do it myself.” It damages relationships because “I’m right and you’re wrong.” It keeps us from emotional depth in our marriage because we are unwilling to be honest and transparent. More than anything, pride wraps a tight chain around our hearts, keeping us bound up with anger, demands, and unforgiveness. It poisons and robs us of the joys of life. 

While humility feels weak, the truth is that humility is a sign of great strength. It’s about putting ego aside. The word humility comes from a Latin word humilitas that means grounded or low. When we are “grounded,” we aren’t easily swayed. We stand firm in who we are, who we belong to, and who we are committed to be going forward. A grounded person isn’t looking for recognition because they are at peace with their worth in God’s eyes. 

Humility is also about submission. A humble person submits to authority. Submission is not a word that many of us embrace, but when we allow God to lead our lives, we submit to his leadership. We do this because we believe He has our best interests in mind. The more we are able to submit, the more peace we experience. 

I (Mark) struggle with the submitting side of humility. Questioning if God really does have my best interest at heart, I wrongly try to take the lead in my life. I have to pull out my God-tool of humility when I’m trying to take matters into my own hands and making a mess of it all. 

I (Jill) have to pull out my God-tool of humility most often when Mark and I are disagreeing or I’m frustrated with him. Pride can so easily slip in when I think my way is the best way. Pride also shows up when I’m wrong and I need to own my stuff and apologize. My stubborn pride keeps my heart separated from Mark’s heart when I’m unwilling to pull out my God-tool of humility and use it like it’s meant to be used. When I replace pride with humility, it turns around so many marriage fades! 

Just like forgiveness, we rarely “feel” like being humble. Our flesh wants to argue, protect, and be right. We have to actively choose to replace our pride with humility. We have to choose to submit to God and His ways. 

Are you looking for that peace that passes understanding in your marriage? It almost always starts with humility. 

What about you? Where do you need to replace pride with humility?

from 10 Days To A Better Marriage

‘So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other. ‘ John 13:34(NLT)

‘Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good. Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other. Never be lazy, but work hard and serve the Lord enthusiastically. Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying. When God’s people are in need, be ready to help them. Always be eager to practice hospitality. Bless those who persecute you. Don’t curse them; pray that God will bless them. Be happy with those who are happy, and weep with those who weep. Live in harmony with each other. Don’t be too proud to enjoy the company of ordinary people. And don’t think you know it all! Never pay back evil with more evil. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable. Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone. Dear friends, never take revenge. Leave that to the righteous anger of God. For the Scriptures say, “I will take revenge; I will pay them back,” says the Lord . Instead, “If your enemies are hungry, feed them. If they are thirsty, give them something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals of shame on their heads.” Don’t let evil conquer you, but conquer evil by doing good.’ Romans 12:9-21(NLT)

We get married because we fall in love. Many get divorced because they say they “fall out of love.” Because of this, we tend to think that love is a feeling. We don’t recognize it as a choice, a tool we desperately need to use when navigating our imperfect relationship. 

Love is a blend of affection, devotion, and loyalty. It is part emotion and part commitment. When you feel like you don’t love your spouse anymore…that’s a normal feeling because feelings increase and decrease in all relationships. When you feel that way, however, it is a red flag that you need to pull out your God-tool of love and start using it intentionally. 

When Mark chose to separate and was pursuing divorce, love was my tool of choice. I have to be honest, it wasn’t my idea. It was God’s. Several days after I discovered the affair and confronted Mark about it, I was despondent and begging God for direction. “What do you want me to do?” I begged. “Lord, you have to tell me what to do. I don’t know what to do!” I sobbed.     

As I began to calm down, God spoke to my heart. It wasn’t an audible voice, but rather a strong sense of direction and peace. “Jill, I want you to love him.” Immediately I protested, “But Lord he’s not very lovable right now.” And then God whispered back, “And sometimes you’re not either.” Well He had me there. “Ok, Lord,” I whispered back, “You’re right. You love me when I’m not lovable, so you’re going to have to show me how to do that.” 

A few days later as I was reading my Bible, I opened it randomly to the book of Romans. Romans 12:9-21 to be exact:

9 Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. 10 Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.11 Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. 12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. 13 Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality. 14 Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. 15 Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. 16 Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited. 17 Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. 18 If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. 19 Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. 20 On the contrary: “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.” 21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

God couldn’t have shown me how to love in a practical way any clearer than that. I began, to the best of my ability, to love every time I interacted with Mark. It wasn’t perfect, but in the majority of my interactions with Mark, God met me in the moment and showed me how to respond with love. Many times I would have to slow down and pray before responding. I needed to choose a loving response because I usually wasn’t feeling’ it in those moments. 

Jill’s love was powerful and God used it to soften my hard heart during our dark season. Never underestimate the power of your God-tool of love.

What about you? Where do you need to use your God-tool of love—especially when your spouse isn’t real lovable? 

from 10 Days To A Better Marriage

‘There will be no mercy for those who have not shown mercy to others. But if you have been merciful, God will be merciful when he judges you.’ James 2:13(NLT)

Mark loves his coffee. I love Mark, but I’m not particularly fond of his coffee. It seems I find coffee rings and coffee splotches everywhere. In the car. On the floor. On the table beside his chair (he takes the concept of “coffee table” to a whole new level!). After years of dealing with his coffee messes, I’ve decided to use my powerful God-tool of grace. 

Grace is a free gift from God. Because of Jesus, we deserve punishment but we get mercy instead. It’s an upside down response to what we deserve. God gives us grace because of who He is. We don’t earn it. We don’t even deserve it. 

Several years ago, Mark and I started using the phrase “grace space” to describe the much needed tool of grace in marriage. Grace space happens when we allow another person to be human, to make mistakes, be imperfect, and to have their own idiosyncrasies. When we give grace, it is an internal decision to forgive and a choice to let something go without addressing it.       

 

Grace is a first cousin to forgiveness. It requires forgiveness. However, grace is the tool we need in order to forgive and really let something go. We use this tool when dealing with the harmless habits that bug us but don’t really hurt us. Like coffee. Or leaving lights on. Or leaving the toilet seat up. Or when our spouse does things differently than we would. 

We also use our God-tool of grace when dealing with our spouse’s human limitations. Jill has to pull out the God-tool of grace when dealing with me being hard of hearing and missing things that are said (I often forget to put my hearing aids in after work), having ADHD (I have too much going on in my mind and have difficulty focusing), and having a smaller emotional capacity (I wear out before she does). Do I do these things on purpose? Nope! I do them because I am human.

I have to pull out my God-tool of grace when I say something to Jill and her internal-processing brain is thinking about something else so she doesn’t hear me. I have to use grace when she misplaces something (Jill only buys sunglasses and reading glasses at the dollar store because she loses them all the time!). I use my God-tool of grace when Jill forgets to pack something on a trip. Does she do these things on purpose? Nope! She does them because she’s human. Grace needs to be the tool we choose to use to handle our spouse’s human nature. 

When thinking through whether something needs forgiveness or grace, ask yourself these two questions:

1) Does this hurt me or just irritate me? 

2) Does this need to be corrected or simply accepted as part of being married to an imperfect person? 

 Grace is a beautiful gift to give to our spouse, especially if he/she is aware of places where he/she falls short or has bad habits. Grace replaces criticism. Even if he/she isn’t aware of their shortcomings, you can use your tool of grace. It’s also a beautiful gift to give yourself because it gives you another option for responding to your spouse’s imperfections. 

Next time you’re tempted to criticize, stop and pull grace out of your marriage toolbox. Ask yourself if this is an offense or an irritation. If it’s an offense, offer forgiveness before you address it, and if you’re simply bumping into your spouse’s human limitations, offer grace. 

And if you have a coffee drinker who leaves a trail wherever he/she goes, you might want to give the gift of grace right along with the gift of a sippy cup! 

What about you? Can you think of places where you need to extend forgiveness? Places where you need to give grace? How can you talk with your spouse about your areas of irritation and hurt?

from 10 Days To A Better Marriage

‘Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.’ Ephesians 4:32(NLT)

Forgiveness is a term we’re all familiar with, but it’s likely the most underused tool in our toolbox. In fact, if you’re married, you probably need to be using your God-tool of forgiveness well over a dozen times a day! 

This multi-faceted tool is how we handle imperfections—our spouses and our own. It’s also how we keep our heart uncluttered and available to God, downshifting our anger so we can have needed conversations without too much emotion getting in the way. 

Forgiveness is an intentional and voluntary internal process where you experience a change in feelings regarding a hurt. The result of forgiveness is freedom. You’re free from being controlled by the negative emotions surrounding whatever it was that happened and hurt you. 

Forgiveness is NOT letting someone off the hook. It’s letting them off your hook, but handing the hook to God. 

Forgiveness is NOT condoning. If you forgive, it doesn’t say that what happened was okay. 

Forgiveness is NOT excusing. The person being forgiven is still responsible for their action.

Forgiveness is NOT forgetting. The action did happen and is a part of the fabric of the relationship. 

Forgiveness is NOT being quiet. You may choose to forgive and not say anything or you may choose to address it with your spouse. However, if you’ve already made the choice to forgive, you’ll have a much better chance of your conversation going well and not being fueled by emotion, should you choose to address it.

Forgiveness, however, is almost always a crisis of the will. We never feel like forgiving. However, a feeling of relief almost always follows obedience when we do forgive. That’s because forgiveness is really about cleaning out the clutter in our soul, our mind, and our heart so they can all be fully available to God. Forgiveness requires us to trust that God is who He says He is and that He has this! 

God wants us to know and experience His forgiveness and to extend it to others. Too often we think forgiveness is only needed for the big infractions of trust. Not so. This is a tool you and I need to use day by day, hour by hour, and on the tough days of marriage, minute by minute. 

What about you? Where do you need to use your God-tool of forgiveness? 

from 10 Days To A Better Marriage

‘This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”’ Joshua 1:9(NLT)

The first God-tool we need in our marriage toolbox is COURAGE. Doing things God’s way isn’t always the easiest thing to do, but it is always the right thing to do. Courage is not the absence of fear; it is determining something is more important than the fear. Your marriage is more important than your fear of conflict, your fear of taking off your mask, your fear of intimacy, your fear of disagreement, or your fear of honest conversation. 

I (Mark) found that I was confident and courageous in business but not at home. I’d had role models in business but no role models at home. Because of this, my insecurity began to surface. The only way I knew how to assert myself at home was with anger, so instead of courage, I used my anger to control. It didn’t show up often, but when I felt fear, I responded with control instead of courage. 

I (Jill) did not grow up in a home that experienced much conflict. It wasn’t that we didn’t have conflict, but more that we didn’t engage it. So there was very real fear for me in being honest, vulnerable, and dealing with anything that looked like conflict. Like Mark, I used control in place of courage. However, my control wasn’t usually with anger. While Mark’s tendency was reactive control, I leaned toward proactive control. I feared conflict and being out of control, so I liked my ducks in a row and things done my way. Obviously both of us needed to replace control with courage. 

Want the good news? You and I have a God-tool to combat fear. It’s called courage. Psalm 31:24 reminds us to “Be strong and let your heart take courage…” This is one of hundreds of verses that address fear in the Bible. 

Having a healthy, honest marriage that pushes through the hard places requires bravery. This is why we have to use our God-tool of courage! 

What about you? Where do you need to pick up your God-tool of courage in your marriage? 

from 10 Days To A Better Marriage

‘We destroy every proud obstacle that keeps people from knowing God. We capture their rebellious thoughts and teach them to obey Christ. And after you have become fully obedient, we will punish everyone who remains disobedient.’ 2 Corinthians 10:5-6(NLT)

You are an imperfect human being. You are married to an imperfect human being. Two imperfect people who have to figure out money, make parenting decisions, be sexually intimate, take care of a home, make meals, do laundry, deal with car maintenance, and simply live in the same place, are destined to find all that imperfect togetherness challenging. When we bump into imperfection—our own and our spouse’s—we often don’t handle it so well. This is when many of our fades begin. However, we have some valuable tools available to us that most of us aren’t using often enough, if at all.

The concept of God-tools comes from 2 Corinthians 10:3–6 in The Message Bible, “The world is unprincipled. It’s dog-eat-dog out there! The world doesn’t fight fair. But we don’t live or fight our battles that way—never have and never will. The tools of our trade aren’t for marketing or manipulation, but they are for demolishing that entire massively corrupt culture. We use our powerful God-tools for smashing warped philosophies, tearing down barriers erected against the truth of God, fitting every loose thought and emotion and impulse into the structure of life shaped by Christ. Our tools are ready at hand for clearing the ground of every obstruction and building lives of obedience into maturity.”

We believe something we call the “Perfection Infection” is a warped philosophy that most of us impose upon our marriage. When we have unrealistic expectations of each other and of marriage in general, this sets the stage for disappointment, discouragement, and disillusionment. When we unfairly compare our spouse to others or even to our “imagined spouse,” this warped philosophy prepares the soil of our heart for seeds of discontentment to be sown.

Our God-tools help us tear down the barriers we erect in our own hearts. That’s honestly where most marriage issues begin and end . . . in the heart. The condition of our heart is directly connected to the condition of our marriage.

In the same way a plumber needs specific tools to complete a plumbing job, husbands and wives need specific tools to manage their communication, emotions, and everyday, imperfect interactions with each other. For the next eight days, we’ll build our marriage toolbox so we have the tools we need to handle “for better or for worse” and everything in between. 

What about you? Can you identify any places where the “Perfection Infection” has caused disappointment, discouragement, and disillusionment in your heart? Can you see where you’ve had unrealistic expectations and unfair comparisons concerning your spouse?  

from 10 Days To A Better Marriage

‘for anger gives a foothold to the devil.’ Ephesians 4:27 https://my.bible.com/bible/116/EPH.4.27

We’re Mark and Jill Savage. We’ve been married thirty-four years, twenty-four of them happily.

While that seems like an odd way to start a devotional, it’s honest, and probably not so far off from what you’ve experienced in your imperfect marriage. The blending of two lives into one relationship is hard work. It’s complicated. At times overwhelming. It’s also humbling, enlightening, and one of the most effective ways for us to grow up.

Most of us entered into marriage with stars in our eyes and a belief that our spouse would meet our needs, fulfill our dreams, and satisfy our expectations. We spent months preparing for our wedding and just a handful of hours—if we had some form of premarital counseling—preparing for our marriage. 

In our ceremony, we uttered vows that promised we’d love each other “for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health,” having no understanding of what that might look like in practice.

Reality set in as soon as you discovered this person you committed to puts the toilet paper on the roll backward. Not only that, but they think, process life, deal with conflict, manage money, desire sex, solve problems, handle stress, and make decisions differently than you do.

What we’ve come to understand is that a real marriage isn’t perfect. A real marriage is two people being perfected. If we’ll let Him, God uses marriage to refine us in ways we never could have imagined.

Our “for better” years have been wonderful. We’ve raised five kids and spent over 30 years in ministry. Our “for worse” years included dealing with stuffed emotions, communication challenges, anger issues, and dealing with our differences. Our darkest year, however, was the year of Mark’s midlife crisis, affair included. 

The thing about our “darkest year” is that we were “working” on our marriage. We knew each other’s love languages and spoke them often. We had date nights. We did getaways on a regular basis. We were intentional about communication. In the midst of that much intentionality, infidelity became a part of our story. How in the world did that happen?

Looking back, it wasn’t the big things that made a difference. It was the little things. Things that simmered under the surface. Things unnoticed. Unattended. Untouched.

These unknowns began an unraveling that gained momentum over time. No marriage crumbles in a day. It’s a drift of one centimeter to another, one feeling or one decision that leads to another feeling or decision that’s a little off-center. If left unaddressed, those feelings will draw us away from each other instead of toward each other, creating a fade of feelings. 

But what if you could see those early symptoms? What if you could identify the slow fade and do something about it before your marriage is in crisis? Or, if your marriage is already in crisis, you could identify the fades you’re in and, with God’s help, turn things around? Understanding the slow fades and knowing what to do about them can make all the difference in the world. 

We’ve identified seven fades that we have experienced:

The Slow Fade of Unrealistic Expectations happens when we experience perpetual discontentment because of the unrealistic expectations we have of our spouse or of marriage in general. 

The Slow Fade of Minimizing happens when we either minimize our own thoughts and feelings or minimize the thoughts and feelings of our spouse. 

The Slow Fade of Not Accepting happens when we don’t accept who our spouse is and we work to change him or her.

The Slow Fade of Disagreement happens when our likes, dislikes, opinions, thoughts, and feelings clash with our spouse’s.

The Slow Fade of Defensive Responses happens when reasons trump relationship and we react with a war mentality to a non-war issue. 

The Slow Fade of Naïveté happens when we knowingly place ourselves in a position of relational danger downplaying the possibility that it could lead to compromise.

The Slow Fade of Avoiding Emotion happens when we have a guarded heart that keeps us from being vulnerable with our spouse. 

In talking with other couples—some who just face the daily challenges of marriage and some who have weathered crisis in their relationship as we have—we know that these are common patterns of drifting that every married couple needs to understand, guard against, and correct when identified. Ephesians 4:27 counsels us not to “give the devil a foothold.” John 10:10 tells us that the enemy comes to “steal and kill and destroy.” When we allow a fade to begin, it is fertile soil for the enemy to begin to divide what God has brought together. If the drift continues unnoticed and unattended, the divided relationship heads in a direction toward slow destruction.

No marriage is perfect, but some have the right tools. We’re going to equip you with some powerful God-tools to use when marriage gets hard. These tools stop the fades by lining our heart up with God’s heart. They keep us on track or get us back on track. More than anything, these right choices strengthen and mature us to become more like Christ each and every day.

What about you? Do any of the slow fades resonate with you? Can you see unhealthy thoughts and attitudes underneath the surface that are pulling your hearts apart?