Tag: 10 Choices Successful Couples Make

‘Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.’ Proverbs 3:5-6(NLT)

‘Abraham never wavered in believing God’s promise. In fact, his faith grew stronger, and in this he brought glory to God. He was fully convinced that God is able to do whatever he promises. ‘ Romans 4:20-21(NLT)

Trust is one of the biggest challenges many couples face. Some of you have experienced betrayal in your marriage due to infidelity, lying, or other conflicts. Here is the thing about trust. It takes a long time to build, but it can be destroyed in an instant. Trust is the bedrock of every marriage relationship. 

In my work with couples, I have discovered four primary conditions under which trust can grow and flourish in a marriage. First, trust starts with honesty. Some of you may lie to protect someone’s feelings, out of guilt, to avoid a conflict, or to prevent others from seeing the real you. But you probably lie most often because you are worried about what will happen if you tell the truth.

If you have tried to be honest in your relationship but that attempt has been met with anger or hurtfulness, you may be hesitant to be honest in the future. You are not doing your partner any favors by allowing their emotional reaction to prevent you from being honest. Having the difficult conversations shows your spouse that you care about a truly authentic relationship.

Second, trust demands integrity. If you want to be a person of integrity in your marriage, you have to stand for something. Choose your moral code carefully, as your decisions will flow out of those principles. If you are a person of integrity, your partner will know you will honor your promises, and this is a huge step toward building trust in a marriage.

Third, reliability is the dependable, consistent, and steadfast application of principles such as honesty and integrity over the long haul and in all types of situations. We are talking about having each other’s back here. When your partner needs you, you are there. If you choose to value your partner over yourself, then being a partner who is reliable, honest, and a person of integrity makes complete sense.

The last building block for a solid foundation of trust for your marriage is vulnerability. This involves allowing your spouse to get close to you and believing that she or he will be there for you when needed. Choosing to be vulnerable is risky—you can and often do get hurt. However, vulnerability is a step toward your partner and provides the opportunity for your spouse to make the right choice and be there when you need support—to actually come through for you.

Which building block of trust is most difficult for you to practice? Why?

from 10 Choices Successful Couples Make by Dr. Ron Welch

‘And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”’ John 8:32(NLT)

‘If we claim we have no sin, we are only fooling ourselves and not living in the truth. ‘ 1 John 1:8(NLT)

‘Dear children, let’s not merely say that we love each other; let us show the truth by our actions. ‘ 1 John 3:18(NLT)

Some of the most insidious and destructive elements of a marriage are the assumptions spouses make about each other. Assumptions are sometimes based on previous experiences that have been interpreted and at other times are based on minimal factual information. They are beliefs that have been adopted that later become a part of the reality of the relationship.

The problem with assumptions is that they become what I call “unspoken truths.” These are assumptions, which may or may not be true, that are accepted as truth in a marriage. Once accepted, partners give up trying to change these beliefs. These “unspoken truths” form the basis for how spouses act toward each other and drive much of what happens in the relationship. Once spouses begin to accept these beliefs as givens in the relationship, they become the building blocks for their understanding of each other.

Can you identify with any of the “unspoken truths” below?

• He cares more about his work than he does about me. 
• She changed when we had kids; they have always been more important than me.
• He won’t ever change—that’s just who he is.
• No matter what I do, she’ll never really love me.
• He says he works all those hours for us, but I think it’s really to prove something to himself.
• I think he likes the idea of marriage but just not the reality of being married to me.

I have seen couples find hope in the transformation that happens when they are willing to do the work of exposing “unspoken truths” in their marriages. Something powerful happens when spouses are willing to risk vulnerability with one another, speak their hurt, and put the other partner first in their marriage. The same can be true for you in your marriage.

If you will begin to identify the assumptions in your relationship and honestly share these “unspoken truths” with each other, you can make a clear choice to live your life together differently. 

So many couples discover that they allow their entire marriage to be based on assumptions and beliefs, most of which are not true at all. When we make the brave choice to challenge these “unspoken truths” and no longer believe them, our relationship changes drastically. It may be overwhelming at first, but eventually this choice leads to healing and truth.

Complete these sentences with as much honesty and accuracy as possible with the intent to share with your spouse: 

My partner does not understand that I need ________. 

If I could change one part of myself for my partner, it would be _____.

from 10 Choices Successful Couples Make by Dr. Ron Welch

‘Think about the things of heaven, not the things of earth. For you died to this life, and your real life is hidden with Christ in God. And when Christ, who is your life, is revealed to the whole world, you will share in all his glory.’ Colossians 3:2-4(NLT)

‘“That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn’t life more than food, and your body more than clothing? Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are? Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? “And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?’ Matthew 6:25-30(NLT)

‘No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, ‘ Philippians 3:13(NLT)

The intent of today is to help you understand some of the relationship patterns you may have brought into your marriage from your childhood and your previous relationships. With knowledge of these patterns, you can learn positive strategies and stop using ineffective ones. Learning to change old patterns involves recognizing where you are in the process and getting out of it.

The patterns from the past, whether they come from your childhood or previous relationships, were successful and useful when you developed them. These behaviors and patterns helped you cope with the challenges you faced at those times. However, they may no longer be effective if the reasons you used them do not exist in your current marriage. 

I want to share what I believe is a very helpful skill to creating a healthy process of handling conflict in your marriage. One of the most effective parenting interventions is the time-out. When a child’s behavior gets out of control or parents need to change the direction of a child’s behavior, they have the child take a time-out. The same principle can work wonders for your marital relationship. The goal is to learn how to work together to effectively disengage when your interactions are not healthy.

Either one of you can call for a time-out, but you both need to commit to honoring the request when it is made. Additionally, you both agree to let go of your desire to win the fight and trust that taking a break is best for both parties. Simply agreeing to table the fight for the time being is far better than saying or doing hurtful things. The important thing here is not to use the time-out to run away from the conflict. The partner who asks for the time-out should let the other partner know when they think it might be okay to talk about the issue again. I cannot overstate the importance of learning to take these time-outs.

By considering the baggage you both bring to the relationship from your families of origin and past relationships, you’ll understand why some of the patterns in your relationship occur. Something as simple (but not easy) as taking a time-out is a learned tool that provides clear steps for changing hurtful patterns within your marriage.

Honor your spouse when they ask for a time-out in the middle of an argument. How did that feel to put their need to ‘pause’ ahead of your need to continue with the argument?

from 10 Choices Successful Couples Make by Dr. Ron Welch

‘Then Peter came to him and asked, “Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?” “No, not seven times,” Jesus replied, “but seventy times seven!’ Matthew 18:21-22(NLT)

‘throw off your old sinful nature and your former way of life, which is corrupted by lust and deception. ‘ Ephesians 4:22(NLT)

‘Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. ‘ Colossians 3:13(NLT)

Because of the necessity to forgive one another in any relationship we have, we are going to spell out what forgiveness looks like. There are four steps that couples need to learn in order to forgive. They are essential elements in the developmental process of forgiveness.

An authentic apology is the first step in the process of forgiveness and involves trying to understand why you offended the other person. It also involves making a real effort to prevent it from happening again. Making a sincere apology is an ongoing process that requires commitment and follow-through. But I caution you from apologizing when you don’t mean it. Apologize only when you mean it—when you believe that what you did was wrong and you want to put in the work to prevent doing it again.

Second, the process of forgiveness involves repentance. You have to show your partner that you are truly remorseful for your actions and that you have a plan in place that will make it possible for you to prevent a repeat performance in the future. This gives your apology some weight. If you don’t show remorse for your actions along with a clear desire to create lasting change in yourself, you don’t give your partner any reason to believe you won’t do the same thing again in the future. 

Accountability is the third step because it involves both parties setting some expectations for the future. However, accountability involves more than holding each other responsible for making changes. It is also about developing a plan for success that clearly identifies all the factors that contributed to what happened. This includes both partners, as one partner’s behavior may influence the ability of the other to make the necessary changes.

Lastly, accepting the apology of your partner means you are convinced that they feel true remorse for what they did and are working hard to prevent it from happening again. As a caution, you should not offer forgiveness unless you are honestly willing to let go of resentment and bitterness and treat the person as if the act hadn’t happened. You have to believe that your partner is capable of change and expect that they will succeed in that endeavor. This is much harder to do than you might think. It is much easier to protect yourself by expecting your partner to fail than to open yourself up to future pain by expecting success.

When was the last time you showed true remorse for a wrong you had committed toward another? Was their response one of compassion or judgment?

from 10 Choices Successful Couples Make by Dr. Ron Welch

‘Get all the advice and instruction you can, so you will be wise the rest of your life.’ Proverbs 19:20(NLT)

‘Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. ‘ James 1:19(NLT)

Changing how you speak to each other, when you speak to each other, and where you speak to each other are important for building success in your marriage. Focusing on how you both feel rather than winning the argument and listening to your partner so that you truly understand what they want you to know are equally valuable choices. These choices can prevent the anger and resentment so many couples experience.

In the past, you may have felt enlightened for educating yourself with rules about fighting fairly in conflicts. I strongly disagree with such a notion. Couples will have disagreements, but I don’t want you to “fight fair.” I want you not to fight at all! I want to show you how positive communication will cause a shift in the direction of wholeness.

So what does positive communication look like? Positive communication focuses on what is currently happening at present; it does not bring up the past and create a negative atmosphere by reinstating old emotions. It focuses on one clear issue at a time. Honest communication doesn’t muddy the waters with different issues that are sensitive and emotional. Stay on task. 

Also, be aware that the right setting is essential for proper communication. Productive discourse occurs when both parties have energy, clarity, and focus. Therefore, trying to communicate at the end of the day when you are tired is not a good plan for talking with your spouse about something confrontational. Don’t choose the heat of the moment to drive your point home or try to hide the truth, either. That choice has harmful results, and you are learning to keep it positive and honest. 

Choosing to be resilient in your relationship involves more than communication. Couples who function from a positive mindset are more cooperative than competitive. When the relationship becomes competitive, it has likely also turned negative. In contrast, a healthy marriage is a cooperative venture in which both partners try to help each other become the best people and the best spouses they can be. The goal is not to win by ending up with more of the limited resources in the relationship, but to make sure that each partner is loved, accepted, valued, and honored in their interactions.

Is winning the argument more important to you than showing compassion toward your spouse? The next time you start to argue, intentionally choose to stop and listen to your spouse’s perspective. What happened when you did?

from 10 Choices Successful Couples Make by Dr. Ron Welch

‘Your kindness will reward you, but your cruelty will destroy you.’ Proverbs 11:17(NLT)

‘A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare.’ Proverbs 15:1(NLT)

‘Wise words satisfy like a good meal; the right words bring satisfaction.’ Proverbs 18:20(NLT)

‘And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me—everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you.’ Philippians 4:8-9(NLT)

As we discussed on Day One, conflict is not a bad thing. What is important is how we deal with it. One of the biggest myths about marriage is that fights “just happen”; that they are random, unpredictable events. Instead, I believe that people make a conscious, deliberate choice when they decide to turn a disagreement into a fight. The success of a marriage is often seen in how a couple handles conflict with one another. 

This devotional is intended to help both of you become open to feedback from each other, choose to become the most authentic, loving partners possible, and learn to bring real and lasting transformation to your marriage. In my work with couples, I believe that process matters much more than content. I don’t think a difference in beliefs or attitudes about a certain topic creates conflict between partners; most couples can work through differences of opinion. The way couples treat each other when they talk about issues causes the greater conflict. In fact, many couples, when they learn to focus on treating each other with respect, honor, and love, sometimes don’t even remember what they were arguing about!

To this end, we need to understand what is meant when we talk about process.   When I refer to process, I am talking about the way two people interact within their marriage, how they treat one another, and what happens between them that drives the behaviors they choose to display. Process focuses on how you relate to each other. In contrast, content focuses on what you disagree on every day—the specific issues that create difficulty such as parenting, work,  or in-laws.

I want you to begin thinking about conflict between you and your partner differently. Instead of thinking about conflict in terms of what you fight about, I want you to think about how you treat each other during an argument. For example, what are your attitudes and behaviors like? Are you mean and hurtful or do you show respect, love, and honor to each other? Do you interrupt and criticize each other, or do you listen well and focus on your partner? 

Learning to make these choices will not be easy, nor will the potential challenges to your relationship be painless to overcome. You didn’t arrive where you are overnight, so you won’t build the marriage of your dreams overnight either. The hope you can believe in is that you and your partner can choose to be in control of what happens in your relationship. If you have the courage to take this journey, the possibilities are life-changing.

You are responsible for the choices you make within your marriage. Does that statement feel empowering or defeating? Why?

from 10 Choices Successful Couples Make by Dr. Ron Welch

‘For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.’ Isaiah 43:19(NLT)

‘“I—yes, I alone—will blot out your sins for my own sake and will never think of them again.’ Isaiah 43:25(NLT)

‘Live in harmony with each other. Don’t be too proud to enjoy the company of ordinary people. And don’t think you know it all! Never pay back evil with more evil. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable. Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone. Dear friends, never take revenge. Leave that to the righteous anger of God. For the Scriptures say, “I will take revenge; I will pay them back,” says the Lord . Instead, “If your enemies are hungry, feed them. If they are thirsty, give them something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals of shame on their heads.” Don’t let evil conquer you, but conquer evil by doing good.’ Romans 12:16-21(NLT)

The big idea behind the transformation of your marriage is that you can make choices in key areas to heal it. You are in control of the conflicts that occur in your relationship. Conflict, in and of itself, is not a bad thing. What is important is how we deal with it. Conflicts will happen, but fights don’t have to. You can make different choices. The first major choice both of you must make is to stop doing what has not worked in your relationship so far. 

Before you say this is oversimplifying marriage, think about it. Isn’t stopping what you’re doing wrong the exact place where you have to start? You have to learn what doesn’t work in your relationship and make a clear choice not to do that anymore. That is the one and only way you can make space to try new ways of handling problems. 

The second choice to make is deciding if you are willing to work together as teammates instead of competing against each other to achieve your own individual goals. You can make a choice to do what your partner needs and give up what you need. You can choose to forgive your spouse even when you don’t feel your partner deserves forgiveness, (and we will talk about what forgiveness is and isn’t later this week.)

Marriage is also about hope. There is hope that if you have made poor choices in the past, you can change the way you do things in the future. There is hope that your relationship and your future as a couple are not at the mercy of disagreements or conflict. There is hope that the marriage you believed in when you said “I do” is not only possible but within your reach. And, there is room for hope even if hope never existed.

With so many hurting people and damaged marriages, I can’t emphasize enough that your marriage is not hopeless, and you are not helpless. Your relationship doesn’t have to continue on the way it is. You can choose to start making choices that will transform your marriage. You will learn how to understand the process of what happens when you and your partner are in conflict and how to focus more on the way you treat each other than on what you disagree about.

What area of your marriage if restored would give you a sense of hope? Take a small step in that direction.

from 10 Choices Successful Couples Make by Dr. Ron Welch