Marriage Devotional

‘So encourage each other and build each other up, just as you are already doing.’ 1 Thessalonians 5:11(NLT)

After coaching and counseling thousands of people, I can confidently say that I have found a massive, gaping hole in society. It is around affirmation. By my estimation, it is holistically missing in the world today. Sure, we encourage one another and say thank you; but clean, accurate affirmation is so rare that when it happens to a person, it virtually creates an addict.

Let’s take a deeper look at this problem by understanding the difference between praise and affirmation.

Praise has everything to do with what you do.

Affirmation has everything to do with who you are.

Clearly these two ideas are not the same and need to be treated differently. . . .

Praise is what we offer someone who does a good job…

Praise is a direct response to the actions of an individual… Praise has an encouraging effect and makes us feel good. It helps to be recognized for what we’ve done, and gives us a little bit of a high for a few minutes.

Affirmation, on the other hand, has everything to do with who we are.

Because affirmation is about identity, it has certain requirements. In order to affirm me, you actually have to know me. I mean really know me. Your attempt to affirm me has to be accurate, true, and right. If it’s off by even one degree, then the affirmation attempt simply falls to the ground. It doesn’t work or stick if you use inaccurate information. If you really knew me, you would get the affirmation right; but if you don’t, then even a close-but-not-spot-on affirmation can result in the reverse of what you were probably hoping for. . . . Imprecise affirmations leave me feeling suspicious of your motives, and I don’t know if I can trust you.

In a marriage context, this is huge.

Praise has its place in every marriage because it honors the spouse for effort and recognizes work that is done. It can transfer thankfulness—an important trait in a healthy marriage—and display gratitude, which is another important component. However, its usefulness ends with acknowledging action; it has no power to recognize uniqueness. Praise cannot say to your spouse: I see you. On the other hand, affirmation can and will say: I see you. There is no way to truly affirm someone without his or her feeling seen and understood.

from Strengths Based Marriage

‘For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve others and to give his life as a ransom for many.”’ Mark 10:45(NLT)

To succeed in marriage you have to meet needs you don’t have. This requires a servant’s heart. The best marriages are two servants in love. The worst marriages are two selfish people in love.

Thousands of times in marriage your spouse will have a need that you don’t have. If you are only willing to meet a need in your spouse that you share, you are effectively rejecting the differences in your spouse and holding your marriage hostage to your desires. But understanding your spouse’s different needs is only the first step. It only makes a difference if you have a servant’s spirit and are willing to meet your spouse’s needs with a good attitude even though you don’t necessarily share the same need at the same time.

Some people have the mistaken notion that in some marriages, both the husband and wife share all the same needs at the same time. They operate under the misconception that if they marry their “soul mates,” then they don’t really have to work at the relationship. Everything moves effortlessly as they share their lives together in a constant flow of matching needs and easy passion.

If you believe any of that nonsense, then consider that bubble popped. A real marriage requires work and meeting needs in your spouse that you don’t have. Passion and intimacy flow out of the shared experience of sacrificially serving each other through good times and bad.

from Strengths Based Marriage

‘You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.’ Psalms 139:13-14(NLT)

Minimization is any language or behavior that downplays a strength or holds it back from its full potential. Perhaps you feel a little embarrassed about your strength, or perhaps from the time you were little you have been told not to draw attention to yourself and your strength. Sometimes people downplay their strengths because they think they will be perceived as arrogant or prideful, and consequently they back out of a bold contribution because it has been shamed in the past.

It is very common to believe it is boastful to draw attention to yourself. At the heart of this conditioning—which many of us endure as we grow up—is the idea that we are all equally wonderful, so there is no need to make yourself stand out… Each of us is remarkably unique, and to minimize that irreplaceable uniqueness is to rob the world of a contribution that cannot come any other way. We need to avoid minimizing our strengths because of shame or any other reason.

Some people downplay their strengths because of blindness, meaning they simply don’t know their strengths are anything special. Our strengths have been with us from our first breaths, and as a result, they feel completely normal. To say they are special just seems silly. As a result, anytime anyone praises us for excellence or remarks at our strength, we just knock it down because it doesn’t even ring true. We might think, Yes, it’s true I can do that, but it’s nothing special. Anyone can do that.

This is not correct. Your contribution is completely unique. Although others could replicate a task, no one can replicate your version, speed, accuracy, technique, and insight.

The remedy here is to recognize and acknowledge that you have amazing strengths, and that your unique use of them (as improved by skill, experience, and knowledge) could very well be a world-class performance.

from Strengths Based Marriage

‘Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.’ Ephesians 4:29(NLT)

For a man to successfully communicate with his wife, he must encrypt every word with security. Regardless of what the conversation is about, she must hear through the tone of his voice and his attitude something like this: Honey, you come first. You are the most important thing in my life, and you are worth anything else I need to sacrifice. You are not a burden to me. You are the love of my life. Even if I don’t get what I want, you will get what you want because I will do anything to make sure you are taken care of.

When a wife hears security in her husband’s words, she relaxes and can hear what is being said. And, of course, a husband must follow through with his words to make sure her need for security is met on every level. And let me tell you, from more than forty years of experience, when you sacrifice to meet your wife’s need for security, there is a big payoff. It is worth whatever you have to do.

But men are different. We don’t have the same need for security. Our mega-need is honor, so we see life through that lens and hear everything through that filter. Regardless of what is being said to a man, if he discerns disrespect in it, he will reject it. . . .

Because of this, a man will naturally gravitate to the place he gets the most respect and avoid places or people that make him feel disrespected. When a wife is communicating with her husband, she must understand this reality. Everything she says to him must be encrypted with honor and respect. Regardless of what she is saying, he must hear in her attitude and the tone of her voice something like this: Honey, I believe in you. You are a good man and you have what it takes. I am your cheerleader and your biggest fan. We are on the same team and I am committed to you…

If you married a normal woman, she needs security. If you married a normal man, he needs respect. Learning to speak in your spouse’s language is essential to successful communication. When both spouses learn to encrypt their language with their mate’s mega-need, communication reaches another level as intimacy and passion grow as well.

from Strengths Based Marriage

For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything. For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word. He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church. And we are members of his body. Ephesians 5:22-30(NLT)

After forty-three years of marriage and having counseled thousands of couples, it has become very clear that we can look to the Bible to understand the basic needs of men and women.

As an example, aside from the basic need for love, the number one need of men is respect. This can be seen in Ephesians 5:22–24, where it says, “Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything” (NASB).

This does not give men the right to dominate but rather empowers women to love their husbands through sacrificial honor. Therefore, the deepest wound a man can experience is disrespect or dishonor. When a wife praises her husband, she is not only meeting his primary need as a man, she is also healing the wounds of his past.

Besides love, the primary need of women is security. Ephesians 5 goes on to say in verses 28–30, “So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, because we are members of His body.”

Little girls and women need to know that they are going to be cared for, nurtured, and protected by a selfless, sacrificial man. When a husband creates an atmosphere of security for his wife, he is meeting her primary need as well as healing any wounds she might have from her past of abandonment, lack of nurturing, abuse, and so on.

from Strengths Based Marriage

‘“If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. ‘ Matthew 6:14(NLT)

Forgiveness isn’t just something we do once to put the past behind us. It is something we must do every day—especially for those closest to us, such as our spouses. If we don’t forgive, we hold grudges and keep points. Before long we grow bitter. Bitterness is a justice spirit that won’t go forward until it receives the satisfaction it desires.

The more bitter we become, the more hardhearted we become to our spouses and others. We grow more cynical and cold, sarcastic and mean-spirited. And we fall out of love and wonder why we ever got married in the first place.

One of the most important disciplines in marriage is to never go to bed angry—ever. Not at our spouse or anyone else. Even if others are unwilling to say they are sorry or work things out, we can forgive them. It is a critical discipline to keep us emotionally healthy and to keep our hearts tender toward each other.

Here are some sayings I like concerning forgiveness:

Forgiveness doesn’t make the other person right—it just makes me free.

The inability to forgive is like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die.

Unforgiveness damages the vessel that stores it worse than anyone you can spit it on.

Forgiveness is the most self-loving thing we can do.

Is there anyone in your past or your present life you haven’t forgiven?

Are you holding something against your spouse?

Do yourself a favor and forgive. Put your grievances in God’s hands and trust Him to handle them. He will and you can be free to live and love.

from Strengths Based Marriage

‘Don’t trap yourself by making a rash promise to God and only later counting the cost.’ Proverbs 20:25(NLT)

Inner vows can be very dangerous and cause untold pain in our lives and the lives around us. And almost every person has made them. We make inner vows to comfort ourselves. We don’t do it because we are evil or want to cause pain.

In response to relational problems, abuse, rejection, poverty, failure, loss, or some other painful issue, we say things like this to ourselves like:

I’ll never be poor again.

No man or woman will ever treat me like that.

I’ll never make my children work like this.

I’ll never make my kids go to church every time the doors are opened.

I’ll never let anyone hurt me again.

I’ll never work all the time like my parents.

I’ll never be vulnerable again.. . .

I know you’ve been through hard times before and experienced pain in your past. All of us have. Did you make inner vows? Are there areas of your life where you are unteachable and irrational because of the promises you made yourself?

Is there something your spouse and others try to talk to you about, but you are defensive and won’t receive input? Inner vows are promises of pain for your future. They can even transmit pain for generations. The solution is to acknowledge them, renounce them, and become accountable to change.

It is healing for your marriage when you humbly acknowledge to your spouse that you have been influenced by an inner vow and are breaking it. And because you know you have been unteachable, irrational, and unapproachable in that area, you are asking for accountability and input. Whereas in the past you have snarled at those who tried to approach you, you now can welcome them and not punish them for being honest.

You will find that your life and marriage are much better without inner vows. Renouncing them puts the past in the past where it belongs, and it allows you to walk into the future without carrying pain with you.

from Strengths Based Marriage

‘There are different kinds of spiritual gifts, but the same Spirit is the source of them all. There are different kinds of service, but we serve the same Lord. God works in different ways, but it is the same God who does the work in all of us.’ 1 Corinthians 12:4-6(NLT)

Taking a strengths approach to your life and your spouse’s not only calls out the best in your spouse, but also it provides access to the natural endorphins that reward you when you use your strengths. This is important because though your spouse may not reward you initially for an action of kindness or generosity, your endorphins will. And let’s face it: we all need a little encouragement to keep going if results are slow in the beginning.

How do you take personal responsibility for your part in the marriage using your strengths? The answer has three parts:

1. Understand yourself.

2. Understand your spouse.

3. Change your thinking.

It starts with your getting to know who you are from a strengths perspective. First, read your Clifton StrengthsFinder® results and get to know what those top-five strengths really mean for you. [www.gallupstrengthscenter.com] . . .Take your strengths results to your spouse or your friends and show them your paragraph descriptions. Ask them to tell you what they see in you, using the description as a starting point. The more you hear from others about how you use that strength, the more your confidence will build. The revelation that you truly have remarkable ability, and that others see it in you, will become a powerful part of your reality.

Next, take some time to get familiar with your spouse’s strengths. It’s common knowledge that our favorite subject is ourselves, so take your spouse’s results and go through the descriptions together. This activity will provide content for a date-night discussion, and it will deepen your understanding of each other.

When appropriate, have your friends tell you about how they see your spouse’s strengths in action. It will deepen your insight about your spouse. Also, in your conversation with friends, be sure to ask about where they see the joy in an action or behavior that displays the strength in your spouse. Recognizing the joy in your spouse’s strengths will give you meaningful insight into what actions provide rewards for your spouse.

Finally, change your thinking. Look at the regular behavior of your spouse through a strengths lens… If you can see your spouse’s actions through a strengths lens, then you can better understand your spouse’s motivations and recognize the corresponding rewards of his or her actions.

from Strengths Based Marriage