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1st Marriage ZZ

Myth #3: Sex is to be done one way. There is no room for exploration.

‘Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other. ‘ Romans 12:10(NLT)

‘So Christ has truly set us free. Now make sure that you stay free, and don’t get tied up again in slavery to the law.’ Galatians 5:1(NLT)

‘For you have been called to live in freedom, my brothers and sisters. But don’t use your freedom to satisfy your sinful nature. Instead, use your freedom to serve one another in love. For the whole law can be summed up in this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” ‘ Galatians 5:13-14(NLT)

‘So whatever you say or whatever you do, remember that you will be judged by the law that sets you free. ‘ James 2:12(NLT)

Yesterday we unearthed the biblical truth that we are to take delight in our spouse, and mutually, in one another’s body. However, we are given the freedom through Scripture to enjoy and explore the gift of one another’s body. We can take delight in our sexual adventures with our spouse, while also holding true to boundaries set forth in Scripture.

When it comes to what is and what isn’t allowed in Christian sex, there aren’t a ton of details offered in Scripture. When a man and woman who are married follow God’s Word about treating one another with respect and devotion, they’re practicing God-honoring sex. 

If you’re single, you can still start setting a foundation of purity for your future marriage by having healthy views on what honors God today. 

It wouldn’t be godly to engage in a sexual behavior if it would hurt, embarrass, or be displeasing to either partner. It wouldn’t be godly to bring pornography into your marriage—or to consume it before you’re married—because that’s not following Jesus’ warnings about lusting. 

God’s Word gives a lot of freedom within the bounds of the marriage bed to explore and enjoy your sexual relationship with your spouse, but as you do, remember Romans 12:10 NIV: Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. 

—Brandon, LMFT-S, PCIT 

from Sex

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1st Marriage ZZ

Myth #2: Sex is for procreation and nothing else.

‘You are beautiful, my darling, beautiful beyond words. Your eyes are like doves behind your veil. Your hair falls in waves, like a flock of goats winding down the slopes of Gilead. Your teeth are as white as sheep, recently shorn and freshly washed. Your smile is flawless, each tooth matched with its twin. Your lips are like scarlet ribbon; your mouth is inviting. Your cheeks are like rosy pomegranates behind your veil. Your neck is as beautiful as the tower of David, jeweled with the shields of a thousand heroes. Your breasts are like two fawns, twin fawns of a gazelle grazing among the lilies. Before the dawn breezes blow and the night shadows flee, I will hurry to the mountain of myrrh and to the hill of frankincense. You are altogether beautiful, my darling, beautiful in every way. Come with me from Lebanon, my bride, come with me from Lebanon. Come down from Mount Amana, from the peaks of Senir and Hermon, where the lions have their dens and leopards live among the hills. You have captured my heart, my treasure, my bride. You hold it hostage with one glance of your eyes, with a single jewel of your necklace. Your love delights me, my treasure, my bride. Your love is better than wine, your perfume more fragrant than spices. Your lips are as sweet as nectar, my bride. Honey and milk are under your tongue. Your clothes are scented like the cedars of Lebanon. You are my private garden, my treasure, my bride, a secluded spring, a hidden fountain. Your thighs shelter a paradise of pomegranates with rare spices— henna with nard, nard and saffron, fragrant calamus and cinnamon, with all the trees of frankincense, myrrh, and aloes, and every other lovely spice. You are a garden fountain, a well of fresh water streaming down from Lebanon’s mountains. ‘ Song of Songs 4:1-15(NLT)

‘How beautiful are your sandaled feet, O queenly maiden. Your rounded thighs are like jewels, the work of a skilled craftsman. Your navel is perfectly formed like a goblet filled with mixed wine. Between your thighs lies a mound of wheat bordered with lilies. Your breasts are like two fawns, twin fawns of a gazelle. Your neck is as beautiful as an ivory tower. Your eyes are like the sparkling pools in Heshbon by the gate of Bath-rabbim. Your nose is as fine as the tower of Lebanon overlooking Damascus. Your head is as majestic as Mount Carmel, and the sheen of your hair radiates royalty. The king is held captive by its tresses. Oh, how beautiful you are! How pleasing, my love, how full of delights! You are slender like a palm tree, and your breasts are like its clusters of fruit. I said, “I will climb the palm tree and take hold of its fruit.” May your breasts be like grape clusters, and the fragrance of your breath like apples. May your kisses be as exciting as the best wine—’ Song of Songs 7:1-9(NLT)

Yesterday, we talked about debunking the myth that sex is dirty. Today, let’s talk about another common lie we can often think about sex. Although sex is more than an indulgence of the flesh, it is also more than the act of procreation. Read Song of Songs 4:5-7. 

This Song is more than a metaphorical symbol between Christ and the Church. We cannot neglect the physical aspects of its words. This Song is also a call for a husband to take delight in his wife’s body and a wife to delight in the body of her husband. 

Now read Song of Songs 7:6-9. Have you ever caught the smile of your spouse and thought, “They are so beautiful”? Or, have you ever noticed them as they walked through the living room and said, “You look fiiiine today”? 

There should be no shame in looking at your spouse with delight in your heart, thankfulness in your soul, and mutually choosing to engage in the act of sex because you desire one another. Yes, God made our spouse to be pleasing to our eyes and arouse our desires so we may be fruitful and multiply, but the pleasures of sex should not end there. We are missing out on one of the most blessed aspects of sex in marriage if we do. It honors God to delight in His creation, your spouse. 

—Brandon, LMFT-S, PCIT

from Sex

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1st Marriage ZZ

Myth #1: Sex is Dirty

‘Now the Holy Spirit tells us clearly that in the last times some will turn away from the true faith; they will follow deceptive spirits and teachings that come from demons. These people are hypocrites and liars, and their consciences are dead. They will say it is wrong to be married and wrong to eat certain foods. But God created those foods to be eaten with thanks by faithful people who know the truth. Since everything God created is good, we should not reject any of it but receive it with thanks. For we know it is made acceptable by the word of God and prayer.’ 1 Timothy 4:1-5(NLT)

‘Let your wife be a fountain of blessing for you. Rejoice in the wife of your youth. She is a loving deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts satisfy you always. May you always be captivated by her love.’ Proverbs 5:18-19(NLT)

‘In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church. And we are members of his body. As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.” This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.’ Ephesians 5:28-33(NLT)

A lot of people are hesitant to bring up the subject of sex—especially in Christian circles. Which has given rise to several myths about Christians and sex. Let’s take a look into some of those myths so we can get some answers, once and for all. Here is the first of five myths which we, the Church, must no longer allow into our worldview of Christianity or our marriages: sex is dirty.

How do most conversations on sex start? With a look around the room at who may be within earshot, a hand cupped over one’s mouth, and a whisper. Sometimes we stay quiet because we don’t want to let just anyone into our private world. Sometimes it’s because we’re embarrassed. But what other message could this lowering of the voice and watching out for who’s listening subconsciously send? It could send a message that what you’re whispering about (sex) is bad. It can take hold until it enters your conscious thoughts, causing you to feel shame when discussing it—even with your spouse!

Yet, what does God say about sex and sexuality? God created sexual intimacy for marriage, and if God created it, how can it be dirty? In 1 Timothy 4:1-5, Paul confronted false teachings on marriage. He urged believers to receive the truth that what God created, God deemed good. He further urged them not reject the pleasures found within but to wholeheartedly receive them with thanksgiving.

Furthermore, if sex in marriage is dirty, then why is Scripture so graphic in its forthright description of sexual love? Don’t believe me? Then stand up right now and read aloud Proverbs 5:18-19. I’ll wait. … Did your voice suddenly go quiet when you began to read, “may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love”? I bet it did—especially if other people were around.

But there’s nothing dirty or shameful in God-honoring sex. God created man and woman the way He did so your spouse’s body would be delightful to you. So, sex, when in the context of marriage, is a gift from God. 

—Brandon, LMFT-S, PCIT

from Sex

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1st Marriage ZZ

A Different View of Christian Sex and Dating

‘I pray that your love will overflow more and more, and that you will keep on growing in knowledge and understanding. For I want you to understand what really matters, so that you may live pure and blameless lives until the day of Christ’s return. May you always be filled with the fruit of your salvation—the righteous character produced in your life by Jesus Christ —for this will bring much glory and praise to God.’ Philippians 1:9-11(NLT)

‘And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me—everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you.’ Philippians 4:8-9(NLT)

‘Don’t let anyone think less of you because you are young. Be an example to all believers in what you say, in the way you live, in your love, your faith, and your purity. ‘ 1 Timothy 4:12(NLT)

When James met Mandy, he knew she was the one. Mandy … not so much. But years of friendship led to a wonderful marriage. After more than a year of marriage, they both consider purity one of their most important dating commitments. Here’s a little of their story. 

Mandy: I grew up around church, so when I was a kid, all my friends talked about purity. Purity rings were all the rage. I assumed purity was something about not giving your body to a boy. To me, that meant no kissing or anything else until marriage. I think a lot of people view purity this way. It’s all about not doing something physical. Since then, I’ve learned it’s way more than that.

Purity is about your heart. Purity is way less about not doing something, and way more about doing something. When James and I were dating, instead of merely avoiding something, we chose to pursue Christ first. When you truly seek God with all your heart, He helps you remain pure.

Now that we’re married, we’re still pure. But that doesn’t mean we’re abstaining! I’ll never forget a moment on our honeymoon. Full of emotion, I realized how holy marriage really is. I looked at James, and said, “I get it now, more than ever. Choosing purity was so worth it.” So, even if you’ve made mistakes, you can still choose purity because purity is about pursuing Christ with all your heart. I promise you—it’s worth it.

James: Unlike Mandy, I didn’t grow up around church. Purity was a huge challenge. During my teenage years, I developed an unhealthy view of women and a destructive relationship with pornography. After graduating from high school, I gave my life to Christ. I knew I wanted to marry someone who pursued Jesus with everything they had. I also knew winning over a girl like her meant I needed to pursue Jesus with obedience. So, I changed my phone settings to only access websites I needed for work. Also, I had a close friend of mine regularly ask me how I was doing.

My pastor, Craig Groeschel, put it well when he said, “Why resist a temptation tomorrow that you can eliminate today?” A few years into marriage, Mandy and I realize the vow of purity remains just as important today as it was before we ever met. And like Mandy said, it’s worth it.

So, if you’re struggling with purity whether you’re dating, married, or neither, today is your day to open up to people you love and respect. Shame grows in the dark, but you’ve been set free by the light of the world!

—James and Mandy

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Don’t Believe the Lies. – Stephanie Cook’s Journey

‘Then Elisha prayed, “O Lord , open his eyes and let him see!” The Lord opened the young man’s eyes, and when he looked up, he saw that the hillside around Elisha was filled with horses and chariots of fire.’ 2 Kings 6:17(NLT)

We all have painful memories—memories that hurt to the core every time we revisit that moment through our thoughts.  You know the memories I’m referring to. The memories that immediately disrupt your reality and send you back in time to a place of devastation. These become seared into our thoughts and warp our perspectives.



In 2 Kings we see Elisha and his servant surrounded by a great army.  The situation looked bad to their human eyes. Elisha then began to pray.  However, he did not pray for the situation to change or for the circumstances to be different.  He prayed that God would open his servant’s eyes so that he may see.



What did he need to see? I believe that in every painful situation that we face the enemy has lies he wants us to believe. He wants fear to cripple us so we can’t be mighty women and men of God. He wants to tear us down and cause us to have a perspective of a situation that is not accurate.



I believe that we can pray the same prayer that Elisha prayed.  We can ask God to open our eyes that we may see. We can see that in those painful memories God was still there.  

Even though the circumstances were bad, God was cheering for you. He was standing there with His arms wide open waiting for you to run into His arms, embrace Him, and take rest in Him.  



You may have to revisit a painful memory. But first, stop and pray and ask God to show you exactly where He was in that moment and what He was saying to you. This will completely change your perspective on a situation when you can see it through God’s eyes and love.



No matter what pain you have experienced, God wants to open your spiritual eyes and show you the truth in that moment.  God has a truth that He wants to replace the painful memories with so you can look back and see it differently to have healing and peace.



The truth that you may need to hear could be God saying to you, “I loved you so much in that moment,” or “You don’t have to perform to earn my love or make me proud of you.  I love you because you are Mine and I created you.” 

from How To Parent Well After The Loss Of A Spouse

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More Than A Memory – Rachel G. Scott’s Journey

‘“I knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb. Before you were born I set you apart and appointed you as my prophet to the nations.”’ Jeremiah 1:5(NLT)

‘You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it. You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.’ Psalms 139:13-16(NLT)

 “All I remember is her suffering,” were the words my stepdaughter said as she sat at the kitchen table crying. 

I had no idea of what to say. The fact was that by the age of 10 she had experienced more loss than I ever had and by 15 years old, death had become a common word in her vocabulary. When my daughter’s biological mother passed, she was about 5 and shortly after her paternal grandmother passed when she was about 7, both due to cancer.

Over the years, I noticed that she was very intrigued by cancer. She read fiction books about cancer, watched movies about cancer, and had decided she was going to be an oncologist, specializing in helping cancer patients. Even though she didn’t always enjoy the activity, it seemed to me that cancer had become her identity and I was never really sure how to talk with her about this sensitive topic.

But that day, as she sat at the table crying, the doors of opportunity swung open. 

As I consoled her I said, “Do you believe your mom suffered her entire life? I asked.

“I don’t remember.” She said. “I just remember her being sick and being in pain.”

I decided to pull my husband into the conversation for a moment to discuss the timelines a bit.

As he talked, and confirmed that the cancer was only two to three years of her 29 years of life, she looked at me as if she had never really thought about how much life her mother had actually lived before the cancer.

“You are half your mom and half your dad so the gifts and talents you have come from both. There are so many things that you are talented and gifted in so no matter what you decide to do or become, you’re representing her. You are her daughter.” I explained.

When the conversation ended, I could see a weight lifted from her. 

When our children have experienced loss, God will use us to remind them if their identity—an identity that may have been suffocated and suppressed by their pain. When we do this and ask God to intervene, we will begin to see our children walk in their God-given purpose while honoring the legacy of the parent they have lost.

from How To Parent Well After The Loss Of A Spouse

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Start with God – Brad’s Journey

‘We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. ‘ Romans 5:3-4(NLT)

For me, the greatest comfort I found in God was the fact that I knew I could tell Him anything, whether I was happy, sad, confused, or angry. We see King David do the same thing countless times throughout the Psalms. Even if I was angry at God, I knew that He could handle it. I simply always kept talking to Him about how I was feeling.

And that’s what I believe our kids need, as well. They need to know that we will be there to listen to them through it all, no matter what they are feeling. This, of course, applies in many situations outside of grief. But it is especially important during such a trying time. I made it my goal for my kids to feel comfortable telling me anything. I strove to get my attention up whenever it seemed they wanted to talk. We won’t always have words that can comfort them, but just holding them and being there with them and sympathizing with them will show them we are with them no matter what the pain. It can be easy during those times to run away, especially when we don’t have the words to say. But those are the times we really need to press in.

I never knew when a night would descend into tears and pain from one of my children. It most often happened during Bible reading or prayer time, though any random thought could do it. Something would spark a memory, and that would well up a pain in one of my children. Often times, that would spread to the other one, and soon enough, I would be sobbing, too. But, despite the tears, those were some of the best times we had together as a family. Our bond grew deeper, and we all felt validated in how we were dealing with our loss.

Possibly the hardest and most important thing is to have persistence. With every new milestone —and in between—will be a new reminder of the absence in their lives. It’s one of the things that makes grief so difficult. It is unrelenting. We have to be even more unrelenting in being there for our children.

from How To Parent Well After The Loss Of A Spouse

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Comforted to Comfort – Brad’s Journey

‘He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. For the more we suffer for Christ, the more God will shower us with his comfort through Christ. ‘ 2 Corinthians 1:4-5(NLT)

It was overwhelming enough to endure all the heartache and pain that I felt because of Stephanie’s death. But it was an even worse pain to consider how my son and daughter would be forever impacted by it, and for many years to come; probably, even, their entire lives. No parents want their children to go through pain, but there was no way to avoid this. So I knew I needed to figure out a way to walk with my children through the pain.

Thankfully, the Bible provides us with great wisdom about what to do in such times. In 2 Corinthians, we are told that God the Father comforts us so much so that we are equipped to comfort others in the same way. We need to depend on the Father to walk with us through our own grief, trusting that He will comfort us in ways we can’t even fathom. And then, just as the Father comforts us, we are able to comfort our children. It’s important that we work through our own grief in order to most help our children. But, we need to also be careful not to wait until we are completely “healed” before helping them because we might never come around to giving them the comfort they need. We need to sincerely pursue healing through our grief so that we can teach our children to do the same and to walk with them through the process. 

Tomorrow we will talk about how but for now, meditate on today’s verses.

from How To Parent Well After The Loss Of A Spouse

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1st Marriage ZZ

Strengths Based Marriage – Day 10

‘“Don’t store up treasures here on earth, where moths eat them and rust destroys them, and where thieves break in and steal. Store your treasures in heaven, where moths and rust cannot destroy, and thieves do not break in and steal. Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will also be.’ Matthew 6:19-21(NLT)

Every couple can experience passion in their relationship for the rest of their lives. It isn’t for a lucky few. It isn’t for those who marry their perfect “soul mates.” It is for every couple that is willing to do what I’m about to explain. Here is what Jesus said in Matthew 6:19–21: “Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal; but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”

Jesus’ words contain the absolute secret of passion in any relationship. He was telling His disciples to invest their lives in the things of God and not to focus on the things of this world. And He concluded with a powerful sentence: For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

To understand the importance of that statement, let me help you understand the meaning of two words Jesus used in the original language. In the Greek language that the New Testament was written in, the word for treasure is thesauros. It means treasure or wealth. But it also means a treasury, or the place where we deposit our wealth.

The second important word in Jesus’ statement is heart. It is the Greek word kardia. It means the seat of our emotions and passions. Here is a paraphrase of Jesus’ statement in Matthew 6:21: Wherever you are depositing the treasures of your life, your passion will be there also.

Jesus knew if His disciples were investing their lives in worldly things, they would lose their focus and passion for Him. So He wisely exhorted them to lay up their treasures in heaven. He did this because He knew an important truth: You cannot separate your treasures from your passions. In other words, you will always be most passionate about the people, pursuits, and places where you are investing the best of your life. Your passions will always follow the investments of your time, energy, and strengths.

from Strengths Based Marriage

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1st Marriage ZZ

Strengths Based Marriage – Day 9

‘For God called you to do good, even if it means suffering, just as Christ suffered for you. He is your example, and you must follow in his steps. He never sinned, nor ever deceived anyone. He did not retaliate when he was insulted, nor threaten revenge when he suffered. He left his case in the hands of God, who always judges fairly. He personally carried our sins in his body on the cross so that we can be dead to sin and live for what is right. By his wounds you are healed. Once you were like sheep who wandered away. But now you have turned to your Shepherd, the Guardian of your souls.’ 1 Peter 2:21-25(NLT)

‘In the same way, you wives must accept the authority of your husbands. Then, even if some refuse to obey the Good News, your godly lives will speak to them without any words. They will be won over by observing your pure and reverent lives. Don’t be concerned about the outward beauty of fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes. You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God. This is how the holy women of old made themselves beautiful. They put their trust in God and accepted the authority of their husbands. For instance, Sarah obeyed her husband, Abraham, and called him her master. You are her daughters when you do what is right without fear of what your husbands might do.
Husbands
In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God’s gift of new life. Treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered.’ 1 Peter 3:1-7(NLT)

Submission is an attitude of humility and trust in God. A gentle and quiet spirit isn’t a mousy, beaten-down spirit. It is the spirit of a strong woman who trusts in a big God to change her husband. And because she trusts in God, she doesn’t have to act unbecomingly.

The promise to women in 1 Peter 3 is powerful. They are told that they can change their husbands without a word as they treat them better than they deserve while trusting in God. That is the essence of redemptive love.

Husbands are exhorted to redeem their wives by living with them in an understanding and honoring manner. This means men accept and respect the differences in their wives and don’t put them down or demean them. It also tells men to treat their wives as equals, as fellow heirs of the grace of life. And it tells men if they don’t treat their wives properly, their prayers will be hindered.

The bottom line is that God takes it personally when we mistreat each other. God loves our spouses and desires to love them through us—even when they aren’t doing the right thing. This doesn’t mean we should enable abusive or destructive behavior. That behavior requires tough love and occasionally some very serious action. However, this scripture addresses times when we are suffering because of the behavior of our spouses.

What do we do? We redeem them using Jesus’ example. Many of the greatest marriages I have ever seen, including my own, were the result of a godly wife or husband who had the courage and faith to do the right thing first and redeem the marriage.

from Strengths Based Marriage