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Saving Marriage ZZ

Marriage Is the Goal

‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ Genesis 2:24(NLT)

‘Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony. ‘ Colossians 3:14(NLT)

‘For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word. He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church. And we are members of his body. As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.” This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.’ Ephesians 5:25-33(NLT)

I guess you’ve noticed by now that I am powerfully pro-marriage. Why? Because God is powerfully and irrevocably pro-marriage. Marriage is God’s plan A. Actually, that’s not true. Marriage is God’s only plan for two persons who love each other. He offers no other options.

You and I have a choice. We can trust Him completely, or we can choose not to and follow our own plan. But what is the track record of couples following their own plans? Abysmal.

Marriage offers the maximum amount of commitment, love, passion, joy, and security possible in an opposite-sex relationship. Marriage offers you the best in a romantic relationship from the one true God. Marriage is a sacred relationship in God’s eyes. He will always bless your efforts to improve your marriage and grow your love.

God is not the God of dating forever. He is not the God of endless engagement. He is not the God of living together. He is the God of marriage.

from Honey, We Need To Talk

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Saving Marriage ZZ

We Need to Talk About Our Emotional Intimacy

‘Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other. Never be lazy, but work hard and serve the Lord enthusiastically. Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying. When God’s people are in need, be ready to help them. Always be eager to practice hospitality. Bless those who persecute you. Don’t curse them; pray that God will bless them. ‘ Romans 12:10-14(NLT)

‘Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him.” ‘ Genesis 2:18(NLT)

‘In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God’s gift of new life. Treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered.’ 1 Peter 3:7(NLT)

‘Didn’t the Lord make you one with your wife? In body and spirit you are his. And what does he want? Godly children from your union. So guard your heart; remain loyal to the wife of your youth. ‘ Malachi 2:15(NLT)

I’ve spent the last thirty years observing thousands of couples and how they communicate with one another. What have I discovered about how couples communicate? When it comes to intimacy, one partner works hard to get it, and the other partner works hard to resist it.

It’s the same old communication problem that has plagued every couple since Adam and Eve: The woman presses for closeness, and the man resists her. She works her crowbar, and he keeps his clam shut. She tries to get him to open up and share, and he keeps everything inside.

I have a simple solution to the clam/crowbar predicament.

Have three thirty-minute Couple Talk Times each week. Each weekend sit down together and schedule these for the upcoming week. Talking about one topic in one sitting will never get you intimacy. Talking about one topic in three sessions, with both of you doing further processing in between settings, will get you intimacy.

I want you to believe and embrace something right now: Virtually all of your emotional intimacy will occur in these thirty-minute Couple Talk Times. You can connect in a conversation only when you escape life and its distractions. True connection happens only under these conditions.

from Honey, We Need To Talk

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Saving Marriage ZZ

We Need to Talk About Our Needs

‘You are altogether beautiful, my darling, beautiful in every way.’ Song of Songs 4:7(NLT)

‘Husbands, love your wives and never treat them harshly.’ Colossians 3:19(NLT)

‘The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife. Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control. ‘ 1 Corinthians 7:3-5(NLT)

‘Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. ‘ Ecclesiastes 4:9(NLT)

You and your partner have core needs. These needs require both of you to practice specific behaviors that make each of you feel loved. These needs are normal, innate, and God-given. They are personality based, an essential part of who you are, and they don’t change over your lifetime.

To feel truly loved, you must have your core needs met on a regular basis. And they can be met only by your significant other.

(It must be stated here that as individuals we have needs in our lives that only God can meet.)

But here’s the catch. It will be very difficult for you to meet each other’s core needs. It will not come naturally. In fact, meeting your partner’s core needs will be your area of greatest weakness. Doesn’t seem fair, does it? Well, who said love is fair? Love is hard.

Tell your partner your top three core needs. Ask your partner how you are doing meeting his or her core needs.

For my wife and I, our daily need-meeting system has made a huge difference in our relationship. We are convinced it will do the same for you and your partner.

from Honey, We Need To Talk

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Saving Marriage ZZ

We Need to Talk About God

‘Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results. ‘ James 5:16(NLT)

‘Dear friends, let us continue to love one another, for love comes from God. Anyone who loves is a child of God and knows God. But anyone who does not love does not know God, for God is love.’ 1 John 4:7-8(NLT)

‘So put to death the sinful, earthly things lurking within you. Have nothing to do with sexual immorality, impurity, lust, and evil desires. Don’t be greedy, for a greedy person is an idolater, worshiping the things of this world. ‘ Colossians 3:5(NLT)

‘For you have been called to live in freedom, my brothers and sisters. But don’t use your freedom to satisfy your sinful nature. Instead, use your freedom to serve one another in love. ‘ Galatians 5:13(NLT)

Share your individual spiritual lives. Take five minutes to tell your partner how you’re doing in your relationship with Jesus. Share in detail what’s happening in your spiritual life.

  • Descriptions of your daily quiet times
  • Insights gained from your Bible reading
  • Ways you’re applying the Bible to your life
  • Spiritual victories
  • Spiritual defeats
  • Spiritual doubts and questions
  • Areas of temptation
  • Ways God is guiding you day by day

Be honest and be specific. Sometimes you’ll talk about the exciting, positive things God is doing in your life and how close you are to Him. Sometimes you’ll talk about how you are struggling with God and feel distant from Him.

Encourage and support each other. On your own you cannot experience significant spiritual growth. Real, deep spiritual growth always occurs in the context of relationship.

I think you can see that this kind of spiritual talk is very personal and intimate and requires courage. It will create a strong spiritual bond. It will also create a strong emotional bond through the interesting, stimulating, and revealing conversations it creates for the two of you. And your spiritual and emotional intimacy will lead to better-than-ever physical intimacy.

from Honey, We Need To Talk

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Saving Marriage ZZ

It’s Time to Talk

‘The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. ‘ 1 Corinthians 7:3(NLT)

‘Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love. Make every effort to keep yourselves united in the Spirit, binding yourselves together with peace. ‘ Ephesians 4:2-3(NLT)

‘There are three things that amaze me— no, four things that I don’t understand: how an eagle glides through the sky, how a snake slithers on a rock, how a ship navigates the ocean, how a man loves a woman.’ Proverbs 30:18-19(NLT)

‘let no one split apart what God has joined together.”’ Mark 10:9(NLT)

I know the secret to deep, lifelong intimacy between a man and a woman.

I’m not kidding. I really do know the secret.

The secret is this: learning to tell each other the truth about practically everything.

I say learning because no one has the natural ability or inclination to communicate clearly and deeply with the opposite sex. No one.

When we begin a relationship, we are not prepared or even able to be open and honest with the other person. Quite the opposite, in fact.

We hide the truth. We hold back the truth. We distort the truth. We have no idea how to truly connect in conversation and get to know each other. Why? We don’t speak the truth because it is human nature to protect oneself and not be vulnerable. Sharing truth, especially with the person we are closest to, exposes us to potential harm and pain. It feels a lot safer to keep truth hidden.

It is the unspoken things that limit intimacy and eventually kill it. It is what we don’t say that keeps us from the soul-mate closeness that we need and that God wants us to enjoy. It’s time for real talk about real issues.

Let’s get to work.

from Honey, We Need To Talk

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ZZ

Reflect

‘And I have been a constant example of how you can help those in need by working hard. You should remember the words of the Lord Jesus: ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’ ”’ Acts of the Apostles 20:35(NLT)

“Love is when the other person’s happiness is more important than your own.” – H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

Scripture

“We are more happy when we give than when we receive.”Acts 20:35b (NLV)

Prayer

Lord, help my spouse to know how much I love them not only through what I say but also through what I do. I pray that you will also open up my heart more so in order to receive their love as well. When that last scoop of ice cream is in the container and no one is around to notice – or whatever their favorite treat might be, remind me how it will make my spouse feel to leave it for them. It’s the little things that demonstrate a desire for honor in all we do. Let the little things breed larger things which reflect Your love. May my spouse’s happiness matter more than my own. And vice versa. When that happens, we cannot but help to have harmony in our home. In Jesus’ name, amen. 

from Harmony In Your Home

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ZZ

Be willing to give the benefit of the doubt.

‘Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone.’ Romans 12:18(NLT)

“Step with care and great tact. And remember that life’s a great balancing act.” – Dr. Seuss

Scripture

If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Romans 12:18 (NIV)

Prayer

Lord, a dash of grace can go a long way. I’ve seen it in my own life when You show me grace. Help me do the same with my spouse. Help my spouse do the same with me. Lord, will You remind us both to give each other the benefit of the doubt when we are on opposite sides of a situation -whether in an argument, disagreement or a mis-step. Mold my heart and mind to lead with asking questions in order to understand what was done or said, rather than making accusations. Help my spouse to do the same. Fill our home with the harmony that comes from Your love made manifest in us. In Jesus’ name, amen.

from Harmony In Your Home

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ZZ

Replace entitlement thoughts with gratitude.

‘In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. ‘ Genesis 1:1(NLT)

‘Every time I think of you, I give thanks to my God. Whenever I pray, I make my requests for all of you with joy, ‘ Philippians 1:3-4(NLT)

“One smile can’t change the world but your smile changes mine.” – Anonymous

Scripture

I thank my God in all my remembrance of you, always offering prayer with joy in my every prayer for you all. Philippians 1:3-4 (NASB)

Prayer

Lord, it’s easy to fall into thoughts of entitlement or expectation in marriage. When that happens, we wind up taking each other for granted as a couple. The smiles fade. The sighs increase. Love somehow dissolves into lists. But Lord, You have an antidote toward this mundane strategy of Satan and that is gratitude. When I direct my thoughts toward what I am grateful for about my spouse, about how I’ve grown as a result of this relationship, and about how I experience Your love through my marriage – harmony and peace increase in our home. Help me to take every thought captive that is contrary to Your wisdom of living and loving in joyful gratitude. I know You can transform any difficulty or challenge I face when I yield it to You by aligning myself under You in obedience to Your Word. In Jesus’ name, amen.

from Harmony In Your Home

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Devotion for Men ZZ

A Husband Leads in Righteousness

‘Fear of the Lord is the foundation of true knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and discipline.’ Proverbs 1:7(NLT)

‘“Don’t be afraid of those who want to kill your body; they cannot touch your soul. Fear only God, who can destroy both soul and body in hell.#10:28 Greek Gehenna. ‘ Matthew 10:28(NLT)

‘That’s the whole story. Here now is my final conclusion: Fear God and obey his commands, for this is everyone’s duty. ‘ Ecclesiastes 12:13(NLT)

‘Those who fear the Lord are secure; he will be a refuge for their children.’ Proverbs 14:26(NLT)

In 2 Samuel 23:3-4, the dying King David gives advice to his son Solomon on how he is to lead God’s people. “The God of Israel said, The Rock of Israel spoke to me,” David says, “‘He who rules over men righteously, who rules in the fear of God, is as the light of the morning when the sun rises, a morning without clouds, when the tender grass springs out of the earth, through sunshine after rain.’”

If your leadership in the home is characterized by righteousness and by the fear of God, it will be like a beautiful spring morning to all who live in your home. That makes it incumbent on you as a husband to be a disciplined student of God’s Word, so that you might exercise your authority in wisdom. To the extent that you lean on your own wisdom and understanding as the source of your authority, you will be abusing your God-given office.

Again, it’s no wonder why our culture has given up on the concept of men leading and ruling in their homes. Not only have men used their authority for selfish gain, but they have failed to rule in the wisdom and counsel of God. It’s easy to understand why women have judged male leadership at home as a failure and have looked for a way to reinterpret the command of Scripture.

Even in a position of authority, a husband is not the ultimate authority. That distinction belongs to God and to his Word. We must look to him for the direction and guidance on how we are to lead our wives.

from Becoming A Better Husband

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Devotion for Men ZZ

Looking for Areas of Growth

‘Examine yourselves to see if your faith is genuine. Test yourselves. Surely you know that Jesus Christ is among you ; if not, you have failed the test of genuine faith. ‘ 2 Corinthians 13:5(NLT)

‘If you think you are too important to help someone, you are only fooling yourself. You are not that important. Pay careful attention to your own work, for then you will get the satisfaction of a job well done, and you won’t need to compare yourself to anyone else. For we are each responsible for our own conduct.’ Galatians 6:3-5(NLT)

‘Instead, let us test and examine our ways. Let us turn back to the Lord .’ Lamentations 3:40(NLT)

‘But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness. ‘ 1 John 1:9(NLT)

I have never forgotten what C. S. Lewis wrote in Mere Christianity about how we acquire virtues. “Very often,” he said, “the only way to get a quality is to start behaving as if you had it already.”

As husband and wife, it’s time to sit down and begin to discuss areas in your marriage where you as a husband need to start showing some leadership. Ask your wife to point out for you areas where you can be leading her and your family. It may be something as simple as initiating daily prayer with your wife. It may involve setting up a savings account to plan for future needs, and then making regular deposits.

Examine the major areas of your family and your life—your faith, your marriage, your family, your job, your relationships with friends, your service to the community, your physical health and well-being, your stewardship over the resources God has given you, and your recreational time—and decide where you need to begin to take some initiative and lead.

As you lead, make sure to check your heart. Are you making decisions that you believe will bring honor and glory to Christ and that will lead both you and your wife to grow in your relationship with him? How do you stand to gain from the decisions you’re making?

Remember, when you exercise your leadership for selfish purposes, you’re abusing the important responsibility God has given you.

from Becoming A Better Husband