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Saving Marriage ZZ

Fighting for Love in a Porn Affected Marriage – Day 5

‘If someone has enough money to live well and sees a brother or sister in need but shows no compassion—how can God’s love be in that person? Dear children, let’s not merely say that we love each other; let us show the truth by our actions. Our actions will show that we belong to the truth, so we will be confident when we stand before God. Even if we feel guilty, God is greater than our feelings, and he knows everything. Dear friends, if we don’t feel guilty, we can come to God with bold confidence. And we will receive from him whatever we ask because we obey him and do the things that please him. And this is his commandment: We must believe in the name of his Son, Jesus Christ, and love one another, just as he commanded us. Those who obey God’s commandments remain in fellowship with him, and he with them. And we know he lives in us because the Spirit he gave us lives in us.’ 1 John 3:17-24(NLT)

‘So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other. Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples.”’ John 13:34-35(NLT)

‘But Peter and the apostles replied, “We must obey God rather than any human authority. ‘ Acts of the Apostles 5:29(NLT)

‘Obviously, I’m not trying to win the approval of people, but of God. If pleasing people were my goal, I would not be Christ’s servant.’ Galatians 1:10(NLT)

I love Instagram. It’s most satisfying to curate an image of my life that cuts out all the tantrums, and tears, and bad hair days. This is the effortless put-together life I want other people to assume just comes naturally to me. It’s the life I wish did come naturally to me. A life without misfortune, mistakes, and big painful areas of brokenness. 

Coming forward and admitting that porn was an issue in my marriage was one of the hardest things I have even done. But being determined to be a good loving wife, I plucked up courage, swallowed my pride, and reached out for advice.

Unfortunately for me, the counsel I was given was well-meaning but misinformed.  I was told that gentleness and grace, and more sex, would help my husband the most. So, after pushing my hurt and anger deep down inside, I became the best cheerleader I could. 

Yet, still nothing changed. 

In 1 John 3:18 we are reminded to not love in word or speech, but in action and in truth.

This was what I was missing. My words were having no effect because they weren’t matched by my actions. It didn’t matter how I built him up, for what he actually needed was for me to get really honest about what porn was doing to him, to me, and to our marriage, and set a clear boundary.  The most loving action I ever took was to draw that firm line in the sand, stating that I would not be turning a blind eye to his compulsive porn usage anymore.  

I know it’s scary to take this particular action in your marriage, especially when others you trust may advocate lovingly turning a blind eye to be the right course.  Proactive intervention is tough love. But to a man in captivity, it is exactly the kind of love he needs. 

from Fighting for Love in a Porn Affected Marriage by Rosie Makinney

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Saving Marriage ZZ

Fighting for Love in a Porn Affected Marriage – Day 4

‘The Lord replied, “I will personally go with you, Moses, and I will give you rest—everything will be fine for you.”’ Exodus 33:14(NLT)

‘I know the Lord is always with me. I will not be shaken, for he is right beside me.’ Psalms 16:8(NLT)

‘For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.’ 2 Timothy 1:7(NLT)

Like many other married guys in recovery, my husband definitely arrived in his therapist’s office with a female footprint on his back. Now eleven years sober from porn, my husband will be the first to admit that it was my action of drawing a firm line in the sand that provided him with a way of escape.  God spoke truth and life to him through me. 

In Genesis 2:18 we see the reason for the creation of Eve.

“It is not good for the man to be alone. 

I will make a helper suitable for him.” 

God created a helper for Adam who was suitable for him. Not just generically suitable, but uniquely suitable for him.  Let that sink in a minute. Even though you may feel very different from your husband, according to God you are perfect for him. Just being you, with your unique qualities and convictions, makes you his ideal team-mate. You are what he needs.  

Now I know this is a lot to swallow, especially if things feel far from perfect at the moment, but what your husband actually needs right now is someone who cares about him to be bold and brave enough to tell him the truth. 

Dear sister, do not be afraid of what you feel stirring inside you.  You are being prepared for God to use you in a mighty way to transform your marriage. You have been given this particular kingdom task not because you think you are up to the job, but because of what God knows is inside of you. Do not fear what lies ahead. You were created for a time such as this, and God will be with you every step of the way. 

“For the Lord your God is the one who will go with you; he will not leave you or abandon you.” (Deuteronomy 31:6-8)

from Fighting for Love in a Porn Affected Marriage by Rosie Makinney

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Saving Marriage ZZ

Fighting for Love in a Porn Affected Marriage – Day 3

‘“Haven’t you read the Scriptures?” Jesus replied. “They record that from the beginning ‘God made them male and female.’” And he said, “‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together.”’ Matthew 19:4-6(NLT)

‘The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness can never extinguish it. God sent a man, John the Baptist, to tell about the light so that everyone might believe because of his testimony. John himself was not the light; he was simply a witness to tell about the light. The one who is the true light, who gives light to everyone, was coming into the world. He came into the very world he created, but the world didn’t recognize him. ‘ John 1:5-10(NLT)

‘For once you were full of darkness, but now you have light from the Lord. So live as people of light! For this light within you produces only what is good and right and true. Carefully determine what pleases the Lord. Take no part in the worthless deeds of evil and darkness; instead, expose them. It is shameful even to talk about the things that ungodly people do in secret. But their evil intentions will be exposed when the light shines on them, for the light makes everything visible. This is why it is said, ‘ Ephesians 5:8-14(NLT)

Looking back, I feel more than a little sad that I wasted so much time believing that my husband was able to keep his porn use in a little box, entirely separate from our relationship.  It wasn’t until we got into recovery that I began to understood the full extent to which porn was affecting our marriage.  

In Matthew 19:4 we are told that husband and wife become one flesh. Of course, my husband filling his mind with toxic porn was affecting all aspects of our relationship.  To expect otherwise was not only self-destructive, it was unbiblical. 

In the battle against porn, we wives really do need to pick up our swords and enter the fray. Not only because we have skin in the game, but because when “two become one” we are uniquely positioned to help our husbands.  When my husband was enslaved to a porn addiction, I was the only one who knew and cared that he was drowning in that particular sin. When he was unable to reach out for help, he needed me to throw him a lifeline. 

Don’t participate in the fruitless works of darkness, but instead expose them. For it is shameful even to mention what is done by them in secret. (Ephesians 5:11-12)

By bringing your marriage to the foot of the cross and into the light, you invite Jesus—He who is in the Light—to cleanse, heal, and restore both of you. Recovery from porn addiction is about so much more than eliminating porn. It is about discovering your identity as much-loved children of God and experiencing a new profound level of trust and intimacy in your marriage. 

from Fighting for Love in a Porn Affected Marriage by Rosie Makinney

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Saving Marriage ZZ

Fighting for Love in a Porn Affected Marriage – Day 2

‘“Come, let us return to the Lord . He has torn us to pieces; now he will heal us. He has injured us; now he will bandage our wounds.’ Hosea 6:1(NLT)

‘Instead, let us test and examine our ways. Let us turn back to the Lord .’ Lamentations 3:40(NLT)

‘Turn away from evil and do good. Search for peace, and work to maintain it. The eyes of the Lord watch over those who do right; his ears are open to their cries for help. But the Lord turns his face against those who do evil; he will erase their memory from the earth. The Lord hears his people when they call to him for help. He rescues them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed. The righteous person faces many troubles, but the Lord comes to the rescue each time. For the Lord protects the bones of the righteous; not one of them is broken! Calamity will surely destroy the wicked, and those who hate the righteous will be punished. But the Lord will redeem those who serve him. No one who takes refuge in him will be condemned.’ Psalms 34:14-22(NLT)

I tried so hard and so long to fix the problem of porn in my marriage on my own. You name it, I tried it: being graceful, being hurt, being angry, even being more sexual. But nothing I did made any difference. I tried every piece of advice I was told, except the one that mattered. 

Thankfully, in 1 Corinthians 6:18 we are given clear guidance on how to handle issues of sexual immorality.

“Flee sexual immorality! Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the person who is sexually immoral sins against his own body.”

God created us as sexual beings and knows under what circumstances we will thrive and flourish. He also knows what will happen to us, and those around us, when we stray outside his boundaries and pursue our own desires without limits. The boundaries that God has placed around our sexual behavior are not there to punish us but to protect us. The sooner you can get the porn out of your marriage, the sooner God can restore your husband back to his right mind, and restore the level of trust and intimacy in your relationship.

I get tremendously excited by the fact there are now over forty-five neurological studies that prove what the Word of God has been telling us all along. According to neuroscientists, watching porn literally hijacks the brain—creating addictive pathways, blocking pleasure receptors, and impairing the pre-frontal cortex. In a nutshell, porn use makes you increasingly dissatisfied, dumb, and depressed. The wages of sin are indeed death here on earth too.  

As a precious child of a good and loving God who knows and desires what is best for your marriage, rest in the knowledge that you don’t have to figure this out on our own. Flee from sexual immorality by drawing a firm line in the sand. And remember, asking your husband to stop watching porn is not you enforcing your will on him, it’s drawing you both back under the wing of your heavenly Father.  

He will cover you with his feathers;

you will take refuge under his wings.

His faithfulness will be a protective shield. (Psalm 91:4)

from Fighting for Love in a Porn Affected Marriage by Rosie Makinney

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Saving Marriage ZZ

Fighting for Love in a Porn Affected Marriage – Day 1

‘Every word of God proves true. He is a shield to all who come to him for protection.’ Proverbs 30:5(NLT)

‘I have tried hard to find you— don’t let me wander from your commands. I have hidden your word in my heart, that I might not sin against you.’ Psalms 119:10-11(NLT)

‘Your word is a lamp to guide my feet and a light for my path. I’ve promised it once, and I’ll promise it again: I will obey your righteous regulations. I have suffered much, O Lord ; restore my life again as you promised. Lord , accept my offering of praise, and teach me your regulations. My life constantly hangs in the balance, but I will not stop obeying your instructions. The wicked have set their traps for me, but I will not turn from your commandments. Your laws are my treasure; they are my heart’s delight. I am determined to keep your decrees to the very end.’ Psalms 119:105-112(NLT)

As a wife whose marriage was taken to the brink of divorce because of my husband’s pornography addiction, I am often upset by the magazines at the supermarket check-out line. Every time I read a headline that suggests that the way to improve a relationship is to learn to how to have sex like a porn star, I am tempted to whip out my sharpie and graffiti on them. The statement that porn is beneficial to relationships is so egregiously false, that if I wasn’t so mad at the lies all around us, I would probably burst into tears.   In a society where no one even sees porn use as problematic, it can feel futile to even attempt to get it out of your marriage. 

But that’s when I remember how clearly the Bible instructs us to close our ears to the spirit of this age. We are told not to conform to the pattern of this world where a life of sexual immorality is seen as life-enhancing. 

Do not be conformed to this age, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may discern what is the good, pleasing, and perfect will of God. (Romans 12:2)

Thankfully, we have another sweet voice to listen to. The voice of our Heavenly Father who loves us with an everlasting love, and has placed clear boundaries around sex for our own protection.

For this is God’s will, your sanctification: that you keep away from sexual immorality,  that each of you knows how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not with lustful passions, like the Gentiles, who don’t know God. (1 Thess. 4:3–5)

Living this side of heaven, it’s going to be hard, not to mention lonely, to stand firm and stick to culturally unpopular principles, but do not despair. Remember, you are fighting to keep your marriage in line with Word of God, not the latest issue of Cosmo. The Word of God, wedged deep in your heart, not your own strength, will enable you to keep standing. 

Therefore, everyone who hears these words of mine and acts on them will be like a wise man who built his house on the rock. (Matthew 7:24)

from Fighting for Love in a Porn Affected Marriage by Rosie Makinney

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1st Marriage Devotion for Men Devotion for Women ZZ

Improving Sexual Intimacy: Both

‘One day Naomi said to Ruth, “My daughter, it’s time that I found a permanent home for you, so that you will be provided for. Boaz is a close relative of ours, and he’s been very kind by letting you gather grain with his young women. Tonight he will be winnowing barley at the threshing floor. Now do as I tell you—take a bath and put on perfume and dress in your nicest clothes. Then go to the threshing floor, but don’t let Boaz see you until he has finished eating and drinking. Be sure to notice where he lies down; then go and uncover his feet and lie down there. He will tell you what to do.” “I will do everything you say,” Ruth replied. So she went down to the threshing floor that night and followed the instructions of her mother-in-law. After Boaz had finished eating and drinking and was in good spirits, he lay down at the far end of the pile of grain and went to sleep. Then Ruth came quietly, uncovered his feet, and lay down. Around midnight Boaz suddenly woke up and turned over. He was surprised to find a woman lying at his feet! “Who are you?” he asked. “I am your servant Ruth,” she replied. “Spread the corner of your covering over me, for you are my family redeemer.” “The Lord bless you, my daughter!” Boaz exclaimed. “You are showing even more family loyalty now than you did before, for you have not gone after a younger man, whether rich or poor. Now don’t worry about a thing, my daughter. I will do what is necessary, for everyone in town knows you are a virtuous woman. But while it’s true that I am one of your family redeemers, there is another man who is more closely related to you than I am. Stay here tonight, and in the morning I will talk to him. If he is willing to redeem you, very well. Let him marry you. But if he is not willing, then as surely as the Lord lives, I will redeem you myself! Now lie down here until morning.” So Ruth lay at Boaz’s feet until the morning, but she got up before it was light enough for people to recognize each other. For Boaz had said, “No one must know that a woman was here at the threshing floor.” Then Boaz said to her, “Bring your cloak and spread it out.” He measured six scoops of barley into the cloak and placed it on her back. Then he returned to the town. When Ruth went back to her mother-in-law, Naomi asked, “What happened, my daughter?” Ruth told Naomi everything Boaz had done for her, and she added, “He gave me these six scoops of barley and said, ‘Don’t go back to your mother-in-law empty-handed.’” Then Naomi said to her, “Just be patient, my daughter, until we hear what happens. The man won’t rest until he has settled things today.”’ Ruth 3:1-18(NLT)

‘My lover has gone down to his garden, to his spice beds, to browse in the gardens and gather the lilies. I am my lover’s, and my lover is mine. He browses among the lilies.
Young Man
You are beautiful, my darling, like the lovely city of Tirzah. Yes, as beautiful as Jerusalem, as majestic as an army with billowing banners. Turn your eyes away, for they overpower me. Your hair falls in waves, like a flock of goats winding down the slopes of Gilead. Your teeth are as white as sheep that are freshly washed. Your smile is flawless, each tooth matched with its twin. Your cheeks are like rosy pomegranates behind your veil. Even among sixty queens and eighty concubines and countless young women, I would still choose my dove, my perfect one— the favorite of her mother, dearly loved by the one who bore her. The young women see her and praise her; even queens and royal concubines sing her praises:’ Song of Songs 6:2-9(NLT)

Devotional Content:

Improving sexual intimacy in marriage is a joint effort. While there are certain things husbands and wives are responsible for doing on their own, both should also work to improve intimacy together. Here are some ideas of things you both can do.

First, it is important for both of you to take the initiative sexually. In most marriages, the husband is the primary initiator, for many of the reasons mentioned earlier. But it is really good for the wife to do this some of the time. It gives her the opportunity to add her own creativity to the sexual relationship. Taking the initiative also helps a wife meet her husband’s need to know that she desires the sexual relationship with him.

Second, take time to enjoy the sexual experience. It is easy to get into ruts. Keep it from being routine. Make an effort to set aside more time to enjoy the sexual experience.

Third, pay attention to the atmosphere where you make love. Take time for candles, baths together, music, soft lights, fireplaces, and massages.

Finally, express your desire to each other. Say, “I love you” and “I am crazy about you.” Talk about what you are thinking and feeling. It adds to the excitement and helps you know more about what your spouse is experiencing.

Bottom line: Set aside time to talk and plan what each of you want in this area of your marriage.

Today’s Challenge:

Make a committment to express your desire for each other in three different ways.

Going Deeper:

1. How often do you take initiative when it comes to sex?

2. Wives, what do you need to do to make sure that your husband isn’t the only one initiating sex?

3. When was the last time you were intimate with your spouse and the environment was romantic?

4. Will you make a commitment to setting aside time to talk about your sexual intimacy with your spouse this week?

Resource: 

Use mundane moments for Godly purpose in your marriage with our House Prayer Cards.

Prayer is the single BEST thing you can for your marriage. God is the one who can ultimately change your hearts and your marriage for the better, so inviting him in to do those things is the single best thing you can do for your marriage.

from Improving Sexual Intimacy by Dr. Kim Kimberling

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1st Marriage Devotion for Men Devotion for Women ZZ

Improving Sexual Intimacy: Wives

‘Don’t you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself, ‘ 1 Corinthians 6:19(NLT)

‘For you have been called to live in freedom, my brothers and sisters. But don’t use your freedom to satisfy your sinful nature. Instead, use your freedom to serve one another in love. ‘ Galatians 5:13(NLT)

Devotional Content:

Ladies, now it’s your turn. What are specific things you can do to improve your sexual intimacy in marriage?

First, understand your husband’s sexual needs. You husband is wired differently than you. He thinks about sex more than you do. He thinks about you sexually—a lot. Remember that sex arms him in your marriage. Talk with him about what you like and do not like in the sexual relationship, and be patient with him. Look at is this way: What if he were not attracted to you? Would you prefer that?

Second, find out what he really enjoys. It’s perfectly okay to ask him this question. You can always decline if it is something you are not comfortable with. Do not forget that our bodies were made for us to enjoy. Do not be afraid to try new things and to find a common ground that meets both of your needs.

Finally, make yourself “sexy.” That is easy. For most husbands, all a wife needs to do is keep breathing. But it might be helpful to find out what he likes as far as the clothes you wear and the perfume you use. It probably just boils down to doing what you did before marriage. If it worked then, it will most likely work now.

Bottom line: Make an effort. Let your husband know you care about sexual intimacy in marriage too.

Today’s Challenge:

Sit down with your husband this week and ask him about his sexual needs and desires.

Going Deeper:

1. Wives, how can you show your husband that you care about his sexual desires?

2. Wives, what can you do this week to find out what your husband thinks is attractive?

3. Wives, what do you need to do to show your husband you desire to look sexy for him?

4. Wives, how can you let your husband know you care about your sexual intimacy in marriage?

from Improving Sexual Intimacy by Dr. Kim Kimberling

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1st Marriage Devotion for Men Devotion for Women ZZ

Improving Sexual Intimacy: Husbands

‘Your children will commit themselves to you, O Jerusalem, just as a young man commits himself to his bride. Then God will rejoice over you as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride.’ Isaiah 62:5(NLT)

‘Give, and you will receive. Your gift will return to you in full—pressed down, shaken together to make room for more, running over, and poured into your lap. The amount you give will determine the amount you get back.”’ Luke 6:38(NLT)

Devotional Content:

Husbands, what can you do to improve sexual intimacy in your marriage? Here are some practical steps that will make a difference.

First, be romantic. That comes easier for some of us than others. My dad was a romantic, so I had a good model. I knew it was important. I just had to figure out what Nancy thought was romantic. I really think the first step is talking to your wife about this. Ask her what she likes. Ask her what she thinks is romantic. Her definition and yours may differ, but you need to do things that she likes. So be a student of your wife. Remember the things she likes. Remember what works and what does not work. You can do this. You can be romantic.

Second, take time with foreplay. We live in this instant-gratification society, and that can often spill over to the sexual relationship. Foreplay is what gives us time to prepare for the act of intercourse. It piques our senses, and it takes time. Over the course of your marriage, sex will happen in a number of different ways, at different times, and slowly and quickly. Take the time to enjoy each other with foreplay.

Finally, make yourself “sexy.” The best idea here is to get input from your wife, but there are some basics: bathe, brush your teeth, shave, exercise, and wear cologne (let her pick it out). Our wives like us to look nice and smell good. It will make a difference in her attraction to you.

Bottom line: Make an effort. It will be worth it, and it will show your wife you really care about her.

Today’s Challenge:

Husbands, how can you be a great student of your wife this week?

Going Deeper:

1. Dr. Kim says that one step husbands can take towards better intimacy with their wives is to be romantic. Husbands, when was the last time you did something romantic for your wife?

2. Foreplay is another important step towards improving your sexual intimacy. Make a commitment to spend more time being intentional about foreplay.

3. Dr. Kim shares that another great step towards improving your sexual intimacy is making yourself sexy for your wife. Husbands, think of 3 things you can do to be intentional about your appearance for your wife.

4. How much time and energy are you willing to spend on improving your sexual intimacy with your spouse?

5. Make a point to sit down with your spouse this week and talk about what they think is romantic.

from Improving Sexual Intimacy by Dr. Kim Kimberling

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1st Marriage ZZ

Not All About Me

‘So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.’ Ephesians 5:33(NLT)

I don’t think any of us would argue with the fact that we love ourselves. We plan what makes us happy. We buy our favorite foods. We head for the most comfortable chair and turn the television stations to our favorite shows. Loving ourselves is easy. We say that we love our spouses and other people, but if we don’t watch it, that all-about-me mindset will creep in and take over. 

What if we put as much effort into loving our spouses? True love gives up the comfortable chair—and the (gasp!) remote. True love picks the restaurant our spouse loves even though we don’t really like the food there. True love says, “You are the most important thing in the world to me—even more important than me.” And something special happens as a result of that. The love that’s given away returns to us in a bigger portion, and it’s wrapped in respect from a spouse who feels loved and valued. 

How does it make you feel when you do something special for your spouse? How long has it been since you’ve done that? 

Lord, help me to put my spouse’s interests before my own. I acknowledge that life isn’t all about me, and I want my spouse to see that reflected in my words and actions.

from A Little God Time For Couples

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1st Marriage ZZ

Honoring Parents

‘“Honor your father and mother. Then you will live a long, full life in the land the Lord your God is giving you.’ Exodus 20:12(NLT)

God set up marriage as an institution where a man and a woman would leave their parents and start their own families. That doesn’t mean that God wants us to forget about our parents—and he promises there are big benefits in honoring them. A smart couple will avail themselves of the wisdom their parents have accumulated over the years. They’ll ask for and listen to sage advice that will keep them from making mistakes they don’t have to make. 

A wise couple will set aside time to go see their parents, to call them, or to lend a helping hand whenever needed. As the years go by and their parents begin to need assistance, husbands and wives should honor the lifetime of love and care their parents gave them by returning the favor. God says that if we’ll honor our parents, we’ll live long in the land. Let’s determine that we’ll look back with sweet memories instead of regrets. 

How can you honor your mother and father? Do you carve time out of your schedule to be with them? 

Lord, give us hearts of compassion for our parents. Help us to honor them.

from A Little God Time For Couples