Categories
Saving Marriage ZZ

Lie #3

‘When I think of all this, I fall to my knees and pray to the Father, the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth. I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.’ Ephesians 3:14-19(NLT)

‘For in Christ lives all the fullness of God in a human body. So you also are complete through your union with Christ, who is the head over every ruler and authority.’ Colossians 2:9-10(NLT)

Scripture: Ephesians 3:14-19

Lie #3 – Your spouse will complete you. 

If you believe this lie, your thoughts might sound like this:

  • I need someone else to fill the empty places in my life.
  • If I find that person, my loneliness will be gone and I will be whole.
  • The right person will complement me. They will be strong when I am weak.
  • Etc., etc., etc…

You can go on believing that fantasy if you want, but the truth is this: Your spouse will NOT complete you; your spouse will complicate you. If you are single, trust me on this one. If you are married, you can stop nodding your head right now. One of God’s purposes in marriage is to use our spouse to reveal our flesh patterns, selfishness, and sin. If you are looking for true love and affirmation, only Christ will complete you.

For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge – that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. —Ephesians 3:14-19

As we come to grips with the love of Christ, we find fulfillment in Him, and then we get to delight in the relationships we have been given.

All I can say is that it works for Libby and me. When we walk in the Spirit, rather than the flesh, we really see Jesus as our answer, Jesus as our power, Jesus as our strength, and Jesus as our love. When we see ourselves as completed in Christ, all the pressure is lifted off one another, and we actually start delighting each other.

For in Christ all the fullness of the Deity lives in bodily form, and in Christ you have been brought to fullness. —Colossians 2: 9-10

The lie is that your spouse will complete you. The truth is that only Christ will complete you.

Father, show me where I am depending on others to complete me, rather than receiving my completeness in Christ. Refocus the expectations I place on others to complete me.  I know I was designed to be filled by You!  Amen.

from Lies That Can Ruin A Marriage by Pete Briscoe

Categories
Saving Marriage ZZ

Lie #2

‘Now regarding the questions you asked in your letter. Yes, it is good to abstain from sexual relations. ‘ 1 Corinthians 7:1(NLT)

‘But I wish everyone were single, just as I am. Yet each person has a special gift from God, of one kind or another. So I say to those who aren’t married and to widows—it’s better to stay unmarried, just as I am. ‘ 1 Corinthians 7:7-8(NLT)

‘I want you to be free from the concerns of this life. An unmarried man can spend his time doing the Lord’s work and thinking how to please him. But a married man has to think about his earthly responsibilities and how to please his wife. His interests are divided. In the same way, a woman who is no longer married or has never been married can be devoted to the Lord and holy in body and in spirit. But a married woman has to think about her earthly responsibilities and how to please her husband. I am saying this for your benefit, not to place restrictions on you. I want you to do whatever will help you serve the Lord best, with as few distractions as possible.’ 1 Corinthians 7:32-35(NLT)

Scripture: 1 Corinthians 7:1-1, 7-8, 32-35

Lie #2 – You can’t be happy unless you’re married.

Think you have to be married to be whole and happy? Get this: Paul spends the whole chapter of 1 Corinthians 7 convincing people not to get married.

Now for the matters you wrote about: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” … I wish that all men were as I am [Paul was single]. But each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that.  Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried… I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs – how he can please the Lord.  But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world – how he can please his wife – and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world – how she can please her husband. I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord. —1 Corinthians 7:1-1, 7-8, 32-35

Do you believe you can’t be happy unless you’re married? The truth is this: Singleness is either a gift to cherish or a season to enjoy.

The loneliest people I know are not single adults. The loneliest people are people I know trapped in a bad marriage.  Marriage is not the happiness pill a lot of people think it is. If you want to be happy in marriage, remember that true joy and fulfillment are found only in Christ. Period.

The lie is that you can’t be happy unless you’re married. The truth is that singleness is either a gift to cherish or a season to enjoy.

God, Your Word says, “in Your presence there is fullness of joy.” I lay claim to that truth right here, right now, no matter what my circumstances might be. Turn my heart towards You, as my source of true fulfillment – filling me until I’m full – in “need” of nothing else. Amen.

from Lies That Can Ruin A Marriage by Pete Briscoe

Categories
Saving Marriage ZZ

Lie #1

‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ Genesis 2:24(NLT)

Scripture: Genesis 2:24

Lie #1 – Marriage is an archaic institution and irrelevant for modern and enlightened people.

Many believe this lie; the rest of us need to ask ourselves if marriage is even worth it. Why do we even need this anymore?”

That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. —Genesis 2:24

This is the way God always intended it: one man, one woman coming together, becoming one, enjoying oneness in Christ. It’s God’s original plan, and it’s meant to last. He’s never rescinded it. Marriage is simply one of God’s great ideas.

I’ve done dozens of weddings over the years, and I start them all the same way:

“Marriage is:

  • A holy estate.
  • Instituted by God.
  • Commanded in Scripture for all who enter it lawfully and in true affection.
  • Confirmed by Christ’s solemn words and consecrated by His gracious presence at the marriage feast in Cana of Galilee.
  • Set forth by the apostle as signifying the mystical union between Christ and the Church.
  • Ordained for the consecration of union between man and woman so that the natural instincts being directed aright they might live in purity and honor.
  • Ordained for the increase of mankind and that children might be brought up in the fear and the nurture of the Lord.
  • Ordained for companionship, health, and comfort, which husband and wife ought to have of each other.
  • Ordained for the welfare of human society which can be strong and happy only where the marriage bond is held highly in honor.”

Satan lies. The truth is that marriage is divine, timeless, and significant. You might be in it or out of it – either way, marriage is part of God’s eternal purpose for the Body of Christ… and it will be until death we do part.

The lie is that marriage is archaic – that it’s temporal and obsolete. The truth is that marriage is divine which means it’s timeless and significant.

God, make me a vessel of Your truth. When I begin to doubt the validity and need of marriage, make me willing to take that thought captive. By Your Spirit and Your Word, convict me of Your divine purpose in the marriage covenant for my good and for Your glory. Amen.

from Lies That Can Ruin A Marriage by Pete Briscoe

Categories
Saving Marriage ZZ

Truth to Set Your Marriage Free

‘Take no part in the worthless deeds of evil and darkness; instead, expose them. It is shameful even to talk about the things that ungodly people do in secret. But their evil intentions will be exposed when the light shines on them, for the light makes everything visible. This is why it is said, “Awake, O sleeper, rise up from the dead, and Christ will give you light.”’ Ephesians 5:11-14(NLT)

Scripture: Ephesians 5:11-14

Late one night, about five years ago, my wife and I found ourselves sitting in our kitchen. We started talking and it went something like this:

Libby: “Okay, we really need to talk.”

Me: “Okay, let’s talk.”

Libby: “I’m so angry at you I can barely stand it.”

Me: “Why?”

Libby: “I’m not even sure why. I’m just seething with anger.”

Me: “Well, you know what? I’m angry at you, too.”

We talked a little bit more and a little bit more, and eventually she came out with it:

Libby: “You know, I don’t even like you anymore.”

Me: “I don’t like you, either.”

We just stared at each other – silence for the longest time. It was a defining moment. The future of our family hung in the balance.

  • We realized that the marriage we had constructed was a poor imitation of what God really had for us.
  • We also knew we were locked into the journey of life together.
  • Would we just sit there and let our marriage continue to die?

I’ve learned a lot since then, and I’ve become more and more convinced of a simple truth:

Satan divides, and the Holy Spirit unites.

Satan is at work in our marriages, our families, and our friendships, and some of his favorite tools are his lies. With an IQ of about 30 million, he and his comrades have woven a web of deception and deceit. If you believe those lies, your relationships can disintegrate before your eyes and you’ll wonder what happened – at least, that’s what happened to us. Paul laid out a counter attack:

Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. It is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. But everything exposed by the light becomes visible – and everything that is illuminated becomes a light. This is why it is said: “Wake up, sleeper, rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you.” —Ephesians 5:11-14

That night in the kitchen was a turning point. We didn’t know how we got where we were, and we didn’t know where we were headed. But we decided that we were going to put in the hard work, learn to be painfully honest, and ask Christ to give us the marriage that He longed for us to have. As we journeyed out, I became acutely aware of several lies of Satan that are rampantly believed in relationships that are in trouble, like ours was.

Feel trapped like we did? The truth can set your marriage free.

Father, right here, right now, begin to expose the lies of darkness that I have accepted as true. Expose them with the light of Your Word. Wake me, elevate me, shine the light of Jesus on my home and my relationships. Amen.

from Lies That Can Ruin A Marriage by Pete Briscoe

Categories
1st Marriage ZZ

Relearning Sex-Ed

‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ Genesis 2:24(NLT)

‘But ‘God made them male and female’ from the beginning of creation. ‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together.”’ Mark 10:6-9(NLT)

Devotional Content:

One of my favorite things to share with couples as they enter into marriage is their uniqueness. Think about it. You are one of a kind and your spouse is one of a kind.  Together you have a one-of-a-kind marriage. Take that into the sexual relationship and what the two of you have is unique in all the world. No two people will ever come together like the two of you.

That uniqueness makes it so important for each of us to relearn “sex-ed.” Even if you had the very best education about sex in marriage, you were not educated about your spouse. What is exciting for one person may be different for another. What causes deep, close intimacy will be a little or a lot different from one couple to the next. That’s why I have couples begin sharing their sexual expectations before marriage. Yet, in marriage I think it goes deeper than expectations. It is getting to know each other at a deep, intimate level. The Bible in Genesis talks about Adam and Eve, the first man and wife, being “naked and unashamed.” I think that means that they shared with each other what they wanted, felt, liked, didn’t like, and much more. There was no filter because they did not need one. They totally trusted each other and experienced amazing intimacy physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.  

The best part is that intimacy is there for us just like it was for them. That was and is God’s plan. Let’s look at it this way. The first “sex-ed” course I took was from the world I lived in. It taught me what my culture believed about sex. It was a course I wish I had never enrolled in, but I did. Lots of us did. Today we can enroll in another “sex-ed” course. It is very, very different from the other one and it really, really works because the Professor is amazing. You see, He’s the One who invented sex in the first place!  

Today’s Challenge: 

Where did you first begin to learn about sex and sexuality? Share how that affected your views about sex.

Going Deeper: 

1. Who influenced your “sex education?” Was that positive or negative? Why?

2. How much time have you devoted as a couple to developing your sexual relationship? Has it been a priority?

3. How would you rate your communication about sex in your marriage? (Use a 1–10 scale with 10 being the highest.)

4. Are you willing as a couple to spend time working together to improve your sexual relationship? Will you begin today?

Resource: 

Use mundane moments for Godly purpose in your marriage with our House Prayer Cards.

Prayer is the single BEST thing you can for your marriage. God is the one who can ultimately change your hearts and your marriage for the better, so inviting him in to do those things is the single best thing you can do for your marriage.

from Sex In Marriage: The Basics—Part 1 by Dr. Kim Kimberling

Categories
1st Marriage ZZ

Recognizing your Baggage

‘But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness. ‘ 1 John 1:9(NLT)

‘Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.’ Romans 12:2(NLT)

Devotional Content:

When Nancy and I got married, we had no idea that we were bringing sexual baggage into our new marriage. In fact, we had no idea what “baggage” was all about. As we left for our honeymoon, we checked four bags. Four bags for two people! We overpacked, but those four bags were a good visual of the baggage we brought into marriage concerning sex. Talk about overpacking.  

Neither one of us had received any real counsel on sex in marriage. My sex education came mostly from peers, magazines and other sources that gave me a lot of totally useless information. Nancy’s sex education was similar but focused on the message, “sex is bad, avoid it.” I think we both thought that our sexual relationship in marriage would be great. In many ways it was, but the baggage we brought in presented many challenges that we had to work our way through. We did not expect that part.  

As a counselor, I have counseled many couples and individuals that had sexual baggage to work through. The distance between God’s plan for sex in marriage and what many people have experienced or heard about can be literally as far as the east is from the west! Our culture alone bombards us daily with sex and sexuality. Our life experiences of sex outside of marriage color the way we look at the sexual relationship and the opposite sex. In the case of sexual abuse, God’s plan for sex seems very distant; almost unattainable. We can easily get buried under the sexual baggage that we carry.

The good news is that there is hope. Hope in the reality that we have a God who loves us more than we can ever imagine, whose plan for sex in marriage is an amazing gift available to each of us. He wants that for you, for me and for all of us. Will it take work?  Sure. Will some of us need outside help? Yes. Will it be worth it? Absolutely! 

Today’s Challenge: 

Take time to identify and share about any sexual baggage you brought into marriage.

Going Deeper: 

1. Where did that baggage originate?

2. How has your sexual baggage affected your marriage?

3. What have you learned about your spouse in relation to the sexual relationship?

4. What are your next steps in dealing with your sexual baggage?

from Sex In Marriage: The Basics—Part 1 by Dr. Kim Kimberling

Categories
1st Marriage ZZ

Rewriting Your Beliefs

‘Let your wife be a fountain of blessing for you. Rejoice in the wife of your youth. She is a loving deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts satisfy you always. May you always be captivated by her love.’ Proverbs 5:18-19(NLT)

‘Let there be no sexual immorality, impurity, or greed among you. Such sins have no place among God’s people. ‘ Ephesians 5:3(NLT)

Devotional Content:

Most us of give little, if any, thought to how we look at sex and how that affects us as we head into marriage. Whether we realize it or not, we each have a belief system about sex and what it is supposed to be in marriage. Obviously, one of the main influences for each of us is our family of origin. Did your family talk about sex or not? If it did, what was said, and by whom? It it did not, what message did that send to you?  

Today, as we grow from childhood to adulthood we are likely to get mixed messages, which come from a myriad of sources. We hear about “information overload” and that description definitely fits the information we get about sex. Most of the people I talk to can list all the places where they learned about sex but very few include the church! If the church was part of their sex education, it often was taught that “sex is bad, stay away from it.”  

The truth is that sex was created by God. It is a gift to us from Him. As we read in Song of Solomon, sex between a husband and a wife is to be enjoyed. The only boundary God gave was for sex to be reserved for the marriage relationship. Why? Because God created us and knows us far better than we will ever know ourselves. He knows full well the consequences of having sex outside of a marriage relationship. The boundary was for our well being, not to deprive us of something. That’s it. That is God’s plan. It is simple and makes sense. For some reason, man and woman have repeatedly tried to rewrite the “rules” about sex, and look where it has gotten us today.  

Think through all the things you have believed about sex. Maybe even take a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle. On the left side, write down God’s plan for sex that we just talked about. On the right side write down everything you were taught or believed about sex that was different than God’s plan. My guess is that there is a lot more writing on the right side of your paper than the left side. Now this is where change can begin to take place. One by one draw a line through everything that is not God’s plan. Pray that as you cross them off your sheet of paper, God will renew your mind and firmly implant His plan of sex in marriage.

Today’s Challenge: 

Share what you were taught about sex in your family of origin.

Going Deeper:

1. How has your family of origin affected your view of sex today?

2. What were the negative messages about sex you received as you were growing up?

3. What have been the sexual frustrations for each of you in your marriage?

4. What is your part in rewriting your beliefs about sex in marriage?

from Sex In Marriage: The Basics—Part 1 by Dr. Kim Kimberling

Categories
1st Marriage ZZ

The Honeymoon Experience

‘Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. ‘ James 1:19(NLT)

‘Spouting off before listening to the facts is both shameful and foolish.’ Proverbs 18:13(NLT)

‘And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. ‘ Romans 8:28(NLT)

Devotional Content:

We all have a “honeymoon story.” I have yet to talk to a couple that says their honeymoon met every expectation. For one, after the hectic days leading up to—and including—their wedding day, most couples are exhausted by the time the honeymoon arrives. I have known couples that told me later that they were even too tired to make love on their wedding night and felt they had committed some sin by not doing so.  Others talk of fighting on their honeymoon. Or of one person getting injured or sick.  Expectations were either damaged or destroyed and they look back at their honeymoon with unmet expectations.

When I talk to premarital couples, I stress the importance of realistic expectations for the honeymoon. Unfortunately, most of us were not told that and did not keep our expectations realistic. In the video, I share part of our honeymoon story. At the time we were disappointed. Things went off script. But as we look back, we are able to see what God taught us during that time. God has a way of always bringing good out of what seem like bad things.  

We learned to be more flexible. Now when things don’t go as we would like, we roll with it more easily, and look for what God has for us. We learned to talk more about our expectations and to keep them realistic. This has been a huge help for us. When Nancy was sick on our honeymoon, we learned that we were now dependent on each other in a new way. I was the one who had to figure out how to help her. We were in Mexico and her mom was lots of miles away. The task fell on me. Nancy had to trust that I would—and could—take care of her. She had never really seen me in that role without a backup close at hand. The really cool thing was that, as a result, our marriage took a huge growth step that never would have happened if our expectations had been met in the way we wanted. It’s funny that looking back now, I would not change a thing!

Today’s Challenge: 

Share the expectations you had going into your honeymoon. Were they realistic or not? 

Going Deeper:

1. Share with each other the positives of your honeymoon experience.

2. What were some obstacles you had to deal with on your honeymoon?

3. How did your honeymoon affect your sex life the first year of marriage?

4. What did you learn about your spouse that has been helpful in growing your sexual relationship in marriage?

from Sex In Marriage: The Basics—Part 1 by Dr. Kim Kimberling

Categories
1st Marriage ZZ

A Good Sex Life

‘Your children will commit themselves to you, O Jerusalem, just as a young man commits himself to his bride. Then God will rejoice over you as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride.’ Isaiah 62:5(NLT)

‘Give honor to marriage, and remain faithful to one another in marriage. God will surely judge people who are immoral and those who commit adultery.’ Hebrews 13:4(NLT)

Devotional Content:

One of the things that Nancy and I did not do before marriage was talk about our future sex life and what we each expected it to look like. I don’t think we were that different from most couples. As I work with couples in the counseling room, I am always amazed about how little conversation there has been about sex. One of the things I do with premarital couples is to get them talking about their expectations for sex in marriage. It is interesting that we live in a sex-charged world, yet talk so little about it in our marriage relationships. One of my prayers for you during this reading plan is that it will open the door to conversations about your sexual relationship.

I think that going into marriage I felt like I knew all that I needed to know and that a great sex life would just happen. That theory didn’t hold water very long. I left out an essential part. Actually two essential parts. The first was Nancy’s expectations and the second was God’s plan for sex in marriage. What we learned over time, after a lot of pain and fighting, was that a great sex life takes work and effort. For us that meant talking, sharing, listening, experimenting, and patience. We had to forget what our culture said and let God show us His plan for sex. His plan blends the physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual. His plan is for a mingling of souls and it can only happen in a Christian marriage. It is the best sex ever!

Today’s Challenge: 

Take time to share the expectations you had for your sexual relationship as you entered into marriage.

Going Deeper:

1. What messages about sex do you see in your culture? How are those messages affecting you and your marriage?

2. Dr. Kim talks about sex as a gift from God. How does that truth affect you and your view of sex in marriage?

3. On a scale of 1–10 (10 being the highest) how would you rate your sexual relationship today? (Each of you may have different ratings and that is okay.)

4. What is one thing you can do to improve your sexual relationship?

from Sex In Marriage: The Basics—Part 1 by Dr. Kim Kimberling

Categories
1st Marriage ZZ

Living in the Light

‘Jesus spoke to the people once more and said, “I am the light of the world. If you follow me, you won’t have to walk in darkness, because you will have the light that leads to life.”’ John 8:12(NLT)

‘Every time I think of you, I give thanks to my God. Whenever I pray, I make my requests for all of you with joy, for you have been my partners in spreading the Good News about Christ from the time you first heard it until now. And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns. So it is right that I should feel as I do about all of you, for you have a special place in my heart. You share with me the special favor of God, both in my imprisonment and in defending and confirming the truth of the Good News. God knows how much I love you and long for you with the tender compassion of Christ Jesus. I pray that your love will overflow more and more, and that you will keep on growing in knowledge and understanding. For I want you to understand what really matters, so that you may live pure and blameless lives until the day of Christ’s return. May you always be filled with the fruit of your salvation—the righteous character produced in your life by Jesus Christ —for this will bring much glory and praise to God.’ Philippians(NLT)

Scripture: John 8:12; Philippians 1:3–11

Creating time for each other in your marriage won’t happen by default; it must happen by design. Special dates and outings are great, but we’re referring to the moments in between—in bed before falling asleep, in the morning before starting your day, driving to and from activities, or throughout your day when an urgent matter comes up. 

This type of space is essential to living a see-through marriage. It’s this margin that allows room to go off script. It’s so easy to fill every second of every day, spend every penny, and use every last iota of energy on outside demands. It’s so easy, in fact, that as a culture we live in perpetual states of debt: time debt (too much to do and not enough time to do it), financial debt (paying later for benefits today), and complete energy debt (using caffeine and energy drinks to borrow energy as needed).

We urge you to fight culture’s pull to live an indebted life, especially when it comes to time spent conversing for the health of your marriage. Wherever you are, give yourselves the margin you need to have good conversations of substance. Turn off the distractions, say no to good things more often, simplify your financial obligations, and, in general, explore the freedoms possible in a simplified life. 

This is not easy, and it’s counter-cultural. For those reasons, it’s radical, just as having a see-through marriage is radical. But we’re not called to live like everyone else. Christ has shown us a better way—for the purpose of a see-through marriage and so much more. 

It is our prayer that as you surrender to Christ’s lordship and trust in His goodness daily you would experience deeper joys and truths for the rest of your lives together—perhaps to a degree previously unimagined. 

We really can’t overstate the beauty of living transparently alongside each other in marriage. You need not be perfect to experience the perfect love of Christ. That is the beauty of the gospel—and living in the full light of Christ’s truth is the freedom available to those who choose a fierce, see-through marriage. 

How would creating more margin in your life, particularly in the area of time, help you and your spouse live more of a see-through marriage?

from See-Through Marriage by Ryan and Selena Frederick