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Saving Marriage ZZ

Love Restored – Day 1

‘The woman was convinced. She saw that the tree was beautiful and its fruit looked delicious, and she wanted the wisdom it would give her. So she took some of the fruit and ate it. Then she gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it, too. ‘ Genesis 3:6(NLT)

 I first learned about sex from my father. The lesson came in the form of a brief hallway conversation as he was in transit from his bedroom to the bathroom. I don’t think my age was even in double digits at the time. I don’t recall who initiated the conversation, though I suspect it was in response to a question I had asked. My father compared sex to a loaded gun and emphasized the need to be careful. “It’s like a pistol,” he said. “When it goes off, you can’t stop it.” I didn’t understand much of what he said. The whole thing sounded pretty unappealing to me at the time. I was sure I would never want to have sex with anyone. I was wrong, of course. I didn’t know it then, but the sexual revolution was just getting started. I turned sixteen in 1969, the summer that Woodstock happened. At the time, I was just a kid growing up in the rust belt of the Midwest, too young and too far away to attend the event whose posters promised “three days of peace and music.” It turned out to be three days of sex, drugs, and rock and roll. Woodstock was the watershed event that showed how far the counterculture of the ’60s had edged its way into the mainstream of popular consciousness. Staid newscasters in white shirts and ties covered it on the national news and pondered its cultural significance. Singer Joni Mitchell, who had been unable to attend because of a scheduled appearance on the Dick Cavett Show, wrote a hymn of praise that compared the music festival to Eden. More than a concert, Woodstock turned out to be the iconic moment of my generation. Boomers have been talking about it ever since.

Woodstock was the capstone of the movement that began two years earlier on the opposite coast when thousands of young people moved to San Francisco during the “summer of love.” Forty-five years later, Country Joe McDonald would characterize the values of the era with these words: “They all want sex. They all want to have fun. Everyone wants hope. We opened the door, and everybody went through it, and everything changed after that.” During the summer of love, sex and love were synonymous. The sexual revolution changed not only the shape of sexual morals for a large part of the culture, but also our view of the place of sexual desire in human experience. Dale Kuehne, professor of ethics, economics, and the common good at Saint Anselm College observes, “There was no assumption until the 20th century that in order to lead the best, deepest, most fulfilling relational life, you needed to be in a sexual relationship.” Kuehne notes that this false assumption has caused some Christians today to question whether the Bible’s teaching about sexuality and sexual practice is “good news.”

But the sexual revolution, which was such a feature of the summer of love, did not usher in an age of fun and hope. Twenty-seven years after Woodstock, Joni Mitchell’s song “Sex Kills” lamented injustice, greed, and the spread of the AIDS epidemic. Those who participated in the sexual revolution went looking for love and found death instead.

In Mitchell’s song, sex is not the problem; it is a victim. She portrays sex as a tool that marketers use to exploit others. She is right when she says that sex sells. We are surrounded by sexual images that are used to sell everything from soap to shoes. What is more, the intended audience for these sexualized images has gotten younger with each passing decade. Author and activist Jean Kilbourne notes that images that would have once been considered pornographic are now commonly found in family magazines, on television, on billboards, and on non-pornographic internet sites. “Today’s children are bombarded with graphic sexual content that they cannot fully process or understand and that can even frighten them.” The aim of these ads is to arouse a different kind of lust in children. “These sexual images aren’t intended to sell our children on sex—they are intended to sell them on shopping,” Kilbourne explains. “This is the intent of the marketers—but an unintended consequence is the effect these images have on real sexual desire and real lives.”

Joni Mitchell was right in another respect. Sex isn’t the problem. The problem is desire and the unrealistic expectations that are born of our desire. The biblical word for this is lust. Sin entered human experience through common desire.  The appetites mentioned in Genesis 3:6 are commonplace. The forbidden fruit was “good for food.” In other words, the tree was edible. The tree was also appealing to the eye. The tree appeared to be “desirable for gaining wisdom.” Like the original temptation, sexual lust is rooted in legitimate desire. Sexual desire is not wrong in itself. It is part of our biological and psychological design. But like all other appetites, this hunger can and must be controlled. Appetites can be misdirected or abused. We can be selfish and even perverse in our attempts to gratify them.

from Love Restored by Dr. John Koessler

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2nd Marriage Step Father-mother ZZ

Do not be a dull axe

‘As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend.’ Proverbs 27:17(NLT)

“Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.”

No one wants to be a dull axe. We want to be a sharp axe, effective in the hand of God. 

This will not happen if we’re apart from certain people in our lives. Wise people, godly people, humble people. People who care. We need people in our lives who love Jesus and love us. We need people who will love us enough to challenge, affirm, and encourage us. We need people who care enough to listen to us and understand us. We need people who will pray for us and pray with us. We need people who will model what it means to passionately pursue Christ.

For example, if you want to love God more, it helps immensely to be around people who are great lovers of God. Or, if you want to be a better husband or wife, it helps tremendously to spend time with people who are great husbands or wives. We need to see the life of Christ incarnated in our midst. It’s just the way God has made us.

Furthermore, this sharpening does not happen at a distance. It does not even happen at arm’s length. It happens when people get close. It happens when we let people into our lives and into our hearts. It happens when we take a risk and get real. It happens when we let people get close enough to see our struggles and our fears.

Iron doesn’t sharpen iron from a distance. Iron doesn’t sharpen iron unless there are a few sparks along the way. It might even get heated at times.

This is not the easy way. If you want the easy way, don’t let people get too close. But you will never be sharp in the hands of God. You’ll never be effective for the kingdom. You won’t be all that God intended you to be.

So what can you do? Be intentional. Let people into your heart. Care enough to reach out to others. Join a small group and raise the bar in it. Find a mentor. Find someone to mentor. Be real. Open your heart. Take a risk. Invite people to speak into your life. Do life with other people. Love boldly.

“Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.”

from Wisdom For Your Marriage

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2nd Marriage Step Father-mother ZZ

Soft words vs. Harsh words

‘A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare.’ Proverbs 15:1(NLT)

When you are in a dispute and your frustration is rising, when you feel hurt and angry and you want to lash out, the Bible has a simple, practical principle: be gentle. Use soft words, a soft tone, and gentle gestures, for the Bible teaches us, “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”

You probably know what that’s like. Most of us have responded with harsh words at one time. Some of us have done that more often than we care to admit. Harsh words don’t help things, do they? They stir up anger. Whether you are right, wrong, or some mixture of both, harsh words don’t help the conflict.

It’s just the way life works. It’s not just what we say, but how we say it.

Perhaps this principle applies to marriage more than anywhere else. When you live with someone and seek to merge two lives into one, there will be friction. There will be conflict. Oh, how valuable Proverbs 15:1 can be for conflict in marriage. Every couple ought to adopt this verse as a firm rule of thumb for conflict and decide, “We don’t rant and rave. We don’t shout and yell. We don’t call each other names. We don’t speak harshly. We obey God and speak softly. It doesn’t matter if my parents yelled—we don’t yell. We obey God, for a soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”

Marriage may be the prime application, but the principle of Proverbs 15:1 applies to all of life. When you’re upset at your high schooler, your grade schooler, or your preschooler: soft! When you are in a meeting at work and you feel disrespected and insulted: soft! When a careless, selfish driver cuts you off on the freeway: soft! When the clerk is a bit rude to you: soft! In a thousand situations, in all of life, practice the Proverbs 15:1 principle: “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” By the power of the Spirit, make this the way you live your life. 

from Wisdom For Your Marriage

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2nd Marriage Step Father-mother ZZ

Blessed sex

‘Let your wife be a fountain of blessing for you. Rejoice in the wife of your youth. She is a loving deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts satisfy you always. May you always be captivated by her love.’ Proverbs 5:18-19(NLT)

Sex is God’s idea. It is God’s creation. It is God’s gift.

The Bible is completely positive about sex in marriage. Consider Proverbs 5:18-19, a passage that is almost embarrassingly candid and expressive:

“Let your fountain be blessed, 

and rejoice in the wife of your youth,

a lovely deer, a graceful doe.

Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight;

be intoxicated always in her love.”

God is saying to every married couple: “Enjoy your sexual relationship. This is my gift to you. Have fun! Husbands, take delight in the playful beauty and gracefulness of your wife’s body. Be intoxicated, ravished, by her love.”

This may not be the way you thought of God and sex, but this is the biblical perspective. Sex is God’s gift. In itself, sex is completely good.

Yes, sex can be abused. It is like fire. In the fireplace, fire is a good thing, giving warmth and light. But out of the fireplace, fire can do great damage.

Sex is that way. It is completely good in marriage, but outside of marriage, it can do great damage. Sex needs the context of a loving, committed, trust-filled marriage. Sex needs this context because it is so powerful.

Sex is not just the merger of two bodies, but the merger of two hearts and two souls. Whenever a man and a woman have sex, there is a channel cut between their souls, a channel of emotional and spiritual intimacy. A channel intended by God to express tender love and deep oneness.

You cannot do that casually. You can only do that within the safety and security of lifetime love. No wonder people get so hurt when they abuse God’s gift of sex.

Sex is good. Enjoy it to the hilt in marriage, but only in marriage. It is simply too powerful for any place other than a committed, loving, and secure marriage. 

from Wisdom For Your Marriage

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Refocus

‘For all of God’s promises have been fulfilled in Christ with a resounding “Yes!” And through Christ, our “Amen” (which means “Yes”) ascends to God for his glory.’ 2 Corinthians 1:20(NLT)

‘“Honor your father and mother.” This is the first commandment with a promise: ‘ Ephesians 6:2(NLT)

After we determine what the enemy’s timed distraction is hindering us from, we need to refocus on our original mission. This can be hard, because we still have that lingering sense that something needs our attention; but what if in reality nothing else needs our attention but what we are supposed to be doing? This may be the case more often than we realize. See, if we agree that the enemy’s distraction was intended to throw us off and that it was timed, then we should also agree that there was something he didn’t want us accomplishing during that time—and >that is what we should be doing. 

The Bible tells us that the power of life and death are in the tongue (see Prov. 18:21), which means that our words have power, and the enemy wants us to use that power to create destruction rather than focus on God’s life-giving purpose for us. Yet God’s power is greater, and the truth is, only God creates reality. We don’t have the power to do that and neither does the enemy.

When we refocus on what we should have been focusing on—our families, a project at work, time with God—it completely throws the enemy off, and that is exactly what we want to happen (I share forty of these in our 40&7 Companion Journal) . As we focus on God’s promises, we should also give ourselves time to stop and pray. Prayer will aid us in refocusing our attention and energy where they belong. Now let me be the first to say that this is an art, and it takes time to do. Even while writing this, I fell into the trap of reading a disturbing paper four times or so. After realizing what I was doing, I had the choice to either dwell on the time I wasted or refocus, say a prayer, and get back to what I should have been doing. I chose to do the latter.

Our flesh constantly wars against the spirit, and wants to dwell on things that our spirit desires to give to God. It’s a war, which means that it’s not over until the victory is won. And we can win! Don’t get stuck when you get thrown off. It’s okay—just keep moving forward!

Think about it!

When are some times that you recall getting off focus? How can you better refocus when this occurs in the future?

from 40&7 Devotional: A Guide To Peace During A Custody Battle

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Determine the Distraction

‘So humble yourselves before God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. ‘ James 4:7(NLT)

‘Look, I have given you authority over all the power of the enemy, and you can walk among snakes and scorpions and crush them. Nothing will injure you. ‘ Luke 10:19(NLT)

One day I saw a quote on Facebook that illustrated how valuable our time is:

“You have $86,400 in your account and someone steals $10 from you. Would you be upset and throw all of the remaining $86,390 away in hopes of getting back at the person who took your $10? Or move on and continue living? Right, move on and live. See, we have 86,400 seconds in every day, so don’t let someone’s negative 10 seconds ruin the rest of the 86,390. Don’t sweat the small stuff; life is bigger than that.” – Author, Unknown

I thought this post was truly profound, and it definitely hit home for me. During my custody battle I spent a lot of time worrying and contemplating what I could do about all the stuff going on. I spent a great deal of time responding to e-mails and being consumed by the accuracy of my responses to the accusations against me, since I didn’t want anyone to twist my words. I later found out that I had no control over that anyway. I had wasted lots of time and energy, and I couldn’t get any of it back.

Have you ever stopped and paid attention to when the distractions in your life happen? The timing is no accident. The enemy strategically designs these things to occur when they do so that we will become distracted from what we should be focused on for that day, that hour, that moment. We have to learn to see our situations with God-vision. When we see things through our own perspective, it’s like looking through glasses caked with dirt. We can’t see what we’re trying to look at.

How do we recognize the distractions and see our circumstances with God-vision? Well, we need to know two important things in order to do this.

First, the devil does not have to plan how he is going to destroy our purpose or strain our relationships years down the line. He only needs to focus on making us give in to his day-by-day attempts at distracting us. Second, since the enemy can only speculate about what will happen and only use evidence because he can’t create reality, he has to make sure that his plans are timed.

The devil knows that if he can steal our time, then he can steal our purpose, our children’s purpose, and our spouse’s purpose.

Think about it!

How has the devil been stealing your time? How can you better position yourself to hear from God to avoid these pitfalls? Write these questions and answers down in your 40&7 Prayer and Scripture Journal to look back at them later on as a reminder of what God has done.

from 40&7 Devotional: A Guide To Peace During A Custody Battle

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Breathe

‘Then the Lord God formed the man from the dust of the ground. He breathed the breath of life into the man’s nostrils, and the man became a living person.’ Genesis 2:7(NLT)

Did you know that our bodies are created to naturally heal themselves? I believe that in many cases ailments that we medicate could be healed if we better understood how God had created our bodies. God created breath, and it is a beautiful creation. We can’t see it, we can’t touch it, but it is at the core of our very existence. How often have you seen someone walking around without breathing? Probably never! Why? Because if someone isn’t breathing, he or she is missing something that happens within our bodies when we breathe.

It’s called life.

Adam came alive when God breathed life into him, and life can be given to us when we practice intentional breathing during times of stress and high anxiety.

One day while in a discussion with someone about ways to relieve stress and anxiety, I was taught a very helpful breathing technique. This exercise did wonders for me the first time I tried it. The day I tried it, I’d had a bad headache all day, and I had not even considered that it could have been caused by tension. I had been hoping all day that it would just go away.

As I walked through this deep-breathing exercise, my entire body started to tingle as if it were loosening up. After two deep, long breaths, my headache was completely gone. I knew right then that I needed to incorporate this exercise into my life when I felt anxiety or stress. I began doing this regularly. As I breathed in and let my belly expand, I repeated, “God, I trust You. God, I trust You,” over and over, and as I breathed out, I said, “I’m giving this to You. I’m giving this to You,” or I’d think of a promise of Scripture He had given me. Breathing out was so relaxing and rejuvenating—it felt as if I were literally blowing the stress out my body. I now usually do this two or three times before I engage in a situation that causes me anxiety. A person doesn’t have to be a Professional or certified to take a couple deep breaths and feel a huge difference.

We just happen to be created to breathe!

Think about it!

Did you know that something as simple as breathing slowly could relieve pressure and stress? Take a moment (right now!) and take several deep breaths very slowly in and out. Now closes your eyes, clear your mind, and do it once more. It’s truly relaxing. From this point forward when you feel overwhelmed or stressed, pause and take several deep breaths beforec continuing on.

from 40&7 Devotional: A Guide To Peace During A Custody Battle

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Decide Immediately to give things to God

‘Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.’ 1 Peter 5:7(NLT)

Before ever opening an e-mail, answering a phone call, or responding to a voicemail from a person whose name makes our stomach drop when we see it on our screens, we have to decide immediately, in the moment, that whatever comes at us is an issue for God to handle; that we will give any emotion, thought, or feeling over to God; that without even knowing all the details, we will trust that God can handle the situation.

Doing this was one of my greatest challenges as I went through my battle, yet it also had the greatest impact on me when I embraced it. I don’t know if it was my need to be in control or the fact that I thought I knew best how to handle everything, but it was so hard for me to turn each circumstance over to God.

One day as I was speaking to a group of women about this topic, I accidently slipped and said, “When we finally decide that we can’t do anything to fix our problem, then God can step in. He is the only person who can handle it from the beginning, and He is the only person who can handle it in the end, so let Him handle it.” That’s when I had one of those “Did you hear what you just said? How about you remember that?” moments. The truth is, as I spoke those words to those women, I knew I needed to hear them as much as anyone out there listening.

How silly of us to think that we can have anything to do with how our situation is going to turn out anyway. We are just vessels meant to bring about God’s glory on Earth. We are God’s original thought, His original design, and His original creation. We live only in the reality that He creates. It only makes sense for us to lessen our anxiety by not trying to control an outcome that has yet to become a reality by God. We must learn to listen to Him as we decide to immediately give it, whatever “It” is, over to Him, even when we don’t yet know what we are handing over.

Think about It!

What false realities have you attempted to take control over? What do you think will change when you trust God and leave it with Him?

from 40&7 Devotional: A Guide To Peace During A Custody Battle

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Introduction

One of the most mentally and physically exhausting experiences I have had to date was going to court and fighting for nine months for custody of two of my seven children. This process was painful on so many levels. The ugliness and frustration of it all consumed me. Each time I thought it was almost over, some new accusation or threat came up. I was completely discouraged and often wondered, God, where are You? Do You see what’s happening to me? I knew that God could work everything out and allow the truth to come forth, but I often had the lingering doubt, I know You can do it, but will You do it for me? That question became the source of so many tears and doubts—and supernatural experiences with God.

One day God began to show me that I had allowed past experiences to shape the belief within me that He would not defend me and that I would not experience true victory in my circumstances. Prior to this huge custody battle, I had gone to court for other issues—my divorce, child-support matters, and small modifications to custody details.

Each time I went, I walked away feeling completely defeated and discouraged by the outcome. And each time I felt that way, I unknowingly became less and less confident in God’s desire and ability to bring about a true victory in my situation. I looked for Scriptures to encourage me, and at times certain verses helped me, but most times my brief moments of feeling better were just a smokescreen for how I really felt: defeated.

So when the most recent court request turned into an all-out custody battle, my doubts, fears, and lack of trust in God came fully to the surface. There was no hiding or disguising them now. It was clear: I didn’t trust God as I said I did and encouraged others to do. I wanted to. I wanted the peace of knowing that God wouldn’t allow anything to happen to me or let my children be taken from my care. I wanted the calmness of spirit and soundness of mind that would let me function on a day-to-day basis as if nothing difficult was going on.

But even though I knew that trusting in myself and my preferred outcome was a bad idea, I fell into the trap of doing it anyway. For months I leaned on my own understanding, fully aware of God’s Word but struggling to apply it in my situation and in my life. Thankfully, in my despair, God gave me some amazing practical tools to aid me in trusting Him while I was going through this difficult season—and He gave them to me as I wrote to Him in my journal. The seven steps and forty scripture verses He gave me became a way for me to see what I was going through as I should have seen it: as a spiritual battle intended to strengthen me within the Kingdom of God.

As I began to experience how using practical tools to trust God shifted things within me and in my situation, I became confident that these tools needed to be shared with others. I am truly excited to walk this journey with you over the next 5 Days through this amazing God-Given devotional!

from 40&7 Devotional: A Guide To Peace During A Custody Battle

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1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

Day 10: More Values of Marriage

‘Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony. And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are called to live in peace. And always be thankful. Let the message about Christ, in all its richness, fill your lives. Teach and counsel each other with all the wisdom he gives. Sing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs to God with thankful hearts. And whatever you do or say, do it as a representative of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through him to God the Father.’ Colossians 3:12-17(NLT)

‘But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things! Those who belong to Christ Jesus have nailed the passions and desires of their sinful nature to his cross and crucified them there. Since we are living by the Spirit, let us follow the Spirit’s leading in every part of our lives. ‘ Galatians 5:22-25(NLT)

‘You brood of snakes! How could evil men like you speak what is good and right? For whatever is in your heart determines what you say. ‘ Matthew 12:34(NLT)

‘Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. ‘ James 1:19(NLT)

‘For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him. Do everything without complaining and arguing, so that no one can criticize you. Live clean, innocent lives as children of God, shining like bright lights in a world full of crooked and perverse people. ‘ Philippians 2:13-15(NLT)

Your marriage is what you make it. Commit to developing your US intimacy with Jesus. Do not neglect it. Then, taking all the grace and help of Jesus, create a beautiful love story.

Let’s look at four more marital values and some of their opponents. Desires (Expectations on Demand). Desire is good. Desires are good. You want to embrace the good of desire in the things that are important to you, to your partner, and to creating a fulfilling marriage. Holiness in Character Development (Negative Responses). God does desire your happiness in marriage, but the greater good is to make you holy in Christian character. Growth/Change (Comfort). Growth and change are necessary for spiritual and emotional maturity, as well as relational maturity. The pursuit of comfort will defy your growth and change and all that God has for your marriage. World Focus in balance with US focus. There’s no greater way to express the gospel to the world than a marriage that puts on display the qualities of love, forgiveness, repentance, serving, listening, healing, wholeness, truth, trust, transparency, restoration, hope, harmony, and the list could go on and on. 

Reflection: Spend time together seeking ways to share in the good of your desires. Be reflective in the ways you can develop greater Christian maturity in your marriage. Pause for a few minutes and consider: where does my comfort prevent US growth? Be very mindful of growing your marriage in a way that puts God on display in His glory. List the ways in which you choose your US! Here is my prayer for you and your marriage. God, I pray death to the plans of the enemy to kill and steal, and I pray Your resurrected power and life to your plans of redemption, grace, and love to every couple as they create their beautiful love story.

from Daily Habits Of Marital Intimacy