Marriage Devotional

‘“A kingdom divided by civil war will collapse. Similarly, a family splintered by feuding will fall apart. ‘ Mark 3:24-259(NLT)

For obvious reasons, the rules and principles surrounding a confession of infidelity change somewhat — in fact, they change dramatically in certain instances — when the affair has taken place within the circle of the extended family. We’re not talking here about incest (a highly problematic issue in its own right), but rather about adult sexual liaisons between in-laws and more distant relatives — say, for example, a one-time encounter involving a woman and her husband’s brother.

A situation of this nature constitutes an agonizing dilemma for all parties concerned. That’s because its disclosure has the potential to split a family group right down the middle. Jesus warns us that a house divided against itself cannot stand. For this reason alone, sexual encounters between relatives or in-laws have to be confronted with extreme care and sorted out on a case-by-case basis. There are no hard-and-fast rules or one-size-fits-all solutions that can be applied across the board. A myriad of details have to be taken into account in determining the best method of handling such a complicated drama.

If you’ve been guilty of an indiscretion of this magnitude, and if you’re trying to decide whether it’s advisable to acknowledge your fault to your spouse, there are a few basic considerations to keep in mind. First, you should begin by examining your motives. Before telling your mate what has happened, ask yourself why you want (or need) to tell.

In a case like this, it’s crucial to act with the entire family’s best interests at heart. Personal issues such as guilt, a burdened conscience, or a secret desire to shift blame and manipulate other people have to be brought before the Lord in prayer and exposed to the light of His truth before you speak or act. Remember, confession may come as a great relief to you, but it’s almost certain to have a devastating impact on your partner, your children (if you have any), and the rest of the family.

Second, if upon honest reflection you decide that punishment, revenge, or manipulation do figure into this equation somehow, then this would seem to indicate that there are other, deeper problems in your marriage — problems that may have had something to do with causing the illicit affair in the first place. In that case, you’d be wise to address those problems before bringing up the subject of the sexual encounter. If you and your spouse can get to the heart of your marital “issues” with the help of a skilled marriage counselor, it’s possible that an appropriate confession will emerge in the process.

Third, if and when you do confess, you need to think very carefully about whom you should tell and how much you should say. If you really believe that it is in your spouse’s best interests and the best interests of your marriage to bring this dark secret to light, you will want to tailor your words with great care so as to include only those elements that will bring the maximum benefit to everyone concerned. Graphic details are not necessary. Remember, too, that once the cat is out of the bag, you will no longer be able to control the story.

Fourth — and this point is closely related to the last — consider the broader consequences of telling. Pray earnestly, seek the Lord’s wisdom, and think very carefully about the potential for harm to other people that could arise out of a decision to acknowledge your sin.

Bear in mind that you can’t tell your spouse unless the other guilty party also tells his. Picture the ever-widening circle of individuals — children, parents, aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews — who will be impacted by the ripple effect of your revelation. Ask yourself how each one of them is likely to react. If you knew that each and every member of your family could be counted on to respond in a mature, responsible, compassionate, Christian manner, your decision would be much easier. In that case, you could say to yourself, “Go ahead — tell the truth and let the chips fall where they may.” Unfortunately, it’s a sad fact that, in a fallen world like ours, affairs of this kind often end in heartbreak, broken families, feuding kinship groups, and even violence.

To confess or not to confess? It’s a difficult and painful choice. Since you and the other participant in the affair are both members of the same extended family, you’re going to have to make it together. The vital thing is to proceed within the context of humility, fervent prayer, and heartfelt repentance before the Lord. A trained Christian counselor can be a great help to you as you begin to move through this process.

from Infidelity: Biblical/Practical Questions

‘So stop telling lies. Let us tell our neighbors the truth, for we are all parts of the same body. ‘ Ephesians 4:259(NLT)

Once you’ve decided to “come clean” with your spouse about your unfaithfulness, it’s important to pause and give some careful thought to the matter before making your confession. How you disclose this information can make all the difference.

The first step is to search your own heart. Humble yourself before the Lord and make sure that you’re ready and willing to put the infidelity behind you and make things right once and for all. Demonstrate your good intentions by taking some steps in the direction of repentance and healing before making the disclosure. Get tested for STDs. Seek out the advice of a pastor or licensed Christian counselor. Study 2 Corinthians 7 and be certain that your attitude is one of genuine godly sorrow (verse 10) — the kind of sorrow that leads to repentance — rather than one of debilitating guilt or a selfish desire to save face.

As we mentioned previously, it’s also a good idea to check your motives before telling your spouse what has happened. Make sure you understand exactly why you should make this confession. Do you have your spouse’s and your family’s best interests at heart, or are you thinking primarily of yourself? Is guilt a driving factor? Is it possible that you’re looking for a way to shame, blame, or manipulate your spouse (for example, by dropping hints to the effect that you fell into an affair because he or she wasn’t there for you sexually)? Are you hoping to find release from a burdened conscience? If so, do you expect to do this by shifting the load onto someone else’s shoulders? It’s vital to get all this straight in your own mind before you open your mouth.

Be sure to lay the groundwork before moving ahead. Don’t blunder into a hasty or careless confession. Don’t just blurt something out at an inappropriate moment. Instead, make a plan with the guidance of your counselor. Pray about what you’re going to say and write it down. Sleep on it and read it over again before telling your wife that you need to talk. Be thoughtful and deliberate in your comments, and be prepared for any reaction. If you feel the situation could become volatile or unsafe in any way, consider inviting a third party to be present or arrange to have the conversation in a safe place where it’s still possible to carry on in private. You will want to give this option special consideration if your spouse suffers from mental or emotional disorders of any kind.

Once you start talking, there are a few things you’ll want to be sure to include in your statement and a couple you should probably avoid at all costs. Do say, “I was wrong” and “I’m sincerely sorry.” Don’t get drawn into explaining the affair within the context of your confession — there may be many factors that explain your actions, but they don’t excuse them. It’s also not a good idea to rush immediately into asking for forgiveness.

Your spouse will probably need to process the information received before he or she is ready to think about that. You can indicate that while you know you don’t deserve it, you sincerely hope that in time your spouse will be able to forgive you. Give him or her the space required for this. Make an effort to help your spouse sort through his or her own feelings. Say something like, “I know how much I’ve hurt you, and I’m willing to do whatever it takes to start over and rebuild our relationship.”

If you can, use word pictures to bring that message home. Make a real effort to empathize — whether you realize it or not, your empathy will be a major factor in your spouse’s healing. Take special care to say, “I want you to understand that this is not about you, the kind of person you are, or your attractiveness.” The more specific you can be in this regard, the easier your spouse will find it to move forward in a positive direction. If appropriate, give him or her permission to “vent” by sharing this information with a close friend.

We should add that, in most cases, it isn’t a good idea to share graphic information about the sexual aspects of the affair. This kind of information can create persistent and damaging visual images in your wife’s mind. The exception to this rule is when you’re being pressed to provide such information. If your spouse specifically asks you to tell her exactly “what happened” and you refuse — even out of a sincere desire to protect her — you could end up destroying trust and thus undermining the relationship. If you find yourself in this position, be sure to preface your disclosure by warning her that it may be extremely hurtful.

Once the whole story is out on the table, you and your spouse should get into marital counseling together as soon as possible. Depending on the dynamics of your circumstances, individual therapy for both of you may be recommended prior to joint sessions. Your marriage can be restored and revived if you’re willing to do the hard work required to put your relationship back on track.

from Infidelity: Biblical/Practical Questions

‘God would surely have known it, for he knows the secrets of every heart.’ Psalms 44:219(NLT)

Nobody is perfect. Everyone is susceptible to temptation. “We all stumble in many ways,” writes the apostle James (James 3:2). And when we do, it’s all too easy to compound the problem by covering things up in an attempt to maintain a “perfect” Christian image. At such moments it’s vital to remember the value of honest confession; as James says later in his epistle, “Confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed” (James 5:16).

This principle is especially applicable in cases of marital infidelity. If you’ve fallen into a secret affair, seen the error of your ways, and put an end to the illicit liaison, you may be wondering whether it’s a good idea to tell your spouse about it (assuming he or she doesn’t already know). You may think that it’s better to forget the whole thing and move on with your life. Perhaps you’ve even convinced yourself that sweeping it under the rug is the kinder and more loving thing to do. “After all,” you may say, “what he doesn’t know can’t hurt him. Why risk destroying our marriage by bringing it up?” If this is your situation and your way of looking at it, you need to think again.

If you’ve been unfaithful, not only should you tell your spouse about it — you must if you want your marriage to grow and move forward in a positive direction. The damage has already been done. Now it’s a question of finding some way to heal the hurt and restore the quality of the relationship. How healthy a marriage do you want? — that’s the issue now. You can’t have real intimacy as long as you’re keeping secrets. The truth may be painful, but it’s also therapeutic. Secrets, on the other hand, are always destructive. There’s a reason James exhorts us to confess our sins. It’s the only way to regain balance and prevent further destruction.

That’s not to say that you should blunder into a hasty or careless confession. Quite the contrary. You need to begin by praying about the situation and giving it some careful thought. It’s also critical to check your motives and to ask yourself why you are making this confession before revealing what has happened. The truth is, there can be any number of selfish reasons for confessing an affair, including manipulation, or an attempt to blame and shame your spouse for “having pushed you into the affair.” Or it may be the weight of your own guilt and a desire to relieve and shift your burden onto your spouse’s shoulders. In the end, there’s only one legitimate motive for confessing the affair, and that is because you love your spouse, you are truly sorry for what you’ve done, and you want to save your marriage. It’s vital to get all this straight in your mind and resolved in your heart before you open your mouth.

You may also need to consider your spouse’s state of mind before moving ahead. Does he or she struggle with depression? Are there any serious emotional or mental health disorders present? Is there a tendency to become irrationally angry or violent? In some cases of this nature a confession like the one you’re planning to make could have the effect of pushing an unstable individual over the edge. In the interests of safety, you will want to eliminate the potential for any such reaction before implementing your plan.

Finally, there’s an important sense in which your affair is only the tip of the iceberg. It’s the final step in a hundred-step journey — a symptom rather than the actual disease. If your marriage is to survive and thrive, you’re going to have to get to the heart of the problem and figure out exactly how and why you reached the point of becoming vulnerable to this kind of temptation. What part of your relationship with your spouse had to die in order to make this possible? What were the incremental steps leading to its demise? How can it be revived? The only way to find answers to these questions is to start talking — preferably with the help of a trained marriage therapist — and keep talking until all the relevant issues have been brought out into the light and dealt with effectively.

from Infidelity: Biblical/Practical Questions

‘Then Peter came to him and asked, “Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?” “No, not seven times,” Jesus replied, “but seventy times seven!’ Matthew 18:21-229(NLT)

What should someone do if they discover that their spouse has been emotionally involved with another person, not merely once or twice, but on several occasions? Are repeated emotional affairs biblical grounds for divorce?

That’s a difficult question to answer. The various emotional, relational, and scriptural pieces of the puzzle are so complex, so multi-layered, and so densely interwoven with a tangle of unknown factors that one is tempted to say that every case needs to be evaluated on an individual basis. Despite this, there are a couple of overarching biblical principles that should always govern the reaction of a betrayed spouse: first, Christ calls all of us to exercise unlimited forgiveness in our relationships with one another. That said, it’s important to understand, particularly in this context, that forgiveness and reconciliation are two different processes. Dr. Tony Evans offers a clear and helpful distinction when he states:

“Forgiveness is a decision to release someone from a debt owed or from an infraction committed against you. That is the decision that you make, regardless of the absence of the presence of the emotion to make it. But forgiveness is different from reconciliation. You can forgive, but reconciliation is a process where repentance has taken place by the offender — demonstrated by fruit — that can be visibly seen by the offended. So, where there has been a breach the offended must release the offender from the debt. But the offender must repent to initiate a process of reconciliation of the relationship.”

The second important principle is that it is never a good idea to jump to the conclusion that divorce is the only way out of marital difficulties. What matters most in a situation like this is not a strict and legalistic definition of “biblical grounds for divorce,” but an honest assessment of the intentions of each partner’s heart. For example, if the husband’s behavior up to this point has been characterized by a stubborn resistance to change or an ongoing lack of repentance, the couple in question may in fact be facing a very serious problem. But this doesn’t necessarily mean that divorce is the answer.

There’s a tremendous need here not only for prayer and careful discernment but for the advice and guidance of a trained Christian counselor or pastor. Before consigning an unfaithful spouse to the ranks of the reprobate, it’s important to remember that there is a huge difference between playing with sin, falling into sin, and being utterly given over to sin. It’s crucial to try to figure out exactly where the offender falls along this spectrum before allowing the word “divorce” to enter the picture.

A close examination of the biblical text can also be helpful. It’s common knowledge that Jesus cites “fornication” or “sexual immorality” — Greek porneia — as the one and only legitimate reason for dissolving a marriage: “I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery … ” (Matthew 19:9). In light of this statement, it seems that the relevant question here would be, “Does emotional attachment amount to ‘fornication’ or ‘sexual immorality?’” At first glance, the answer would appear to be an obvious no; as the guilty party himself would probably point out, “We didn’t do anything! There was no sex involved!” But upon further reflection, the problem appears to be more complicated.

A great deal depends on definitions and motives. And in a situation like this, the two can be deceptively intertwined. The betrayed spouse needs to ask herself, “How do I understand the words adultery, fornication, and sexual immorality?” Whether she realizes it or not, it’s possible that her definition of these terms is being shaped by personal motives.

Questions about motives can be resolved by way of sober self-examination. The victim of the emotional affair needs to ask herself exactly why she’s so interested in determining whether repeated emotional affairs constitute biblical grounds for divorce. Is she looking for a reason to divorce her husband? If so, is his recent unfaithfulness the only thing pushing her in this direction? In situations of this kind, some people have a powerful tendency to wrap up all the struggles and frustrations of their entire married lives and to “dump” them on top of the affair — to use the affair to gain “permission” to take “revenge” on the guilty spouse for every offense he’s ever committed. That’s why it’s so important to figure out if there are any other unresolved issues in the relationship and to separate them out of the mix before attempting to address the fallout of the emotional affair.

A similar observation can be made with respect to the unfaithful spouse, of course. His motives, too, are open to question. Sometimes a man may try to “test the boundaries” by insisting that, whatever else may have happened, he never became sexually involved with the other woman. This in turn begs the question of his definition of unfaithfulness, immorality, or adultery.

Is he for some reason trying to “nudge the line” as closely as possible without actually crossing over into blatant sin? If so, why? If he really cares about his marriage, why would he want to run such a huge risk? Under such circumstances, one might wonder if he is looking — whether consciously or unconsciously — for an excuse to end the relationship.
Do you recognize your spouse or yourself in any aspect of this scenario? If so, it would be a good idea for the two of you to seek out the assistance of a Christian marriage and family therapist.

It’s never too late to rebuild your marriage as long as you’re both willing to do the hard work required to affect genuine reconciliation. After all, mending things is always a whole lot better than ending things. Divorce should always be a couple’s last resort, never the first option.

from Infidelity: Biblical/Practical Questions

‘“Haven’t you read the Scriptures?” Jesus replied. “They record that from the beginning ‘God made them male and female.’” And he said, “‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one. Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together.”’ Matthew 19:4-69(NLT)

The Holy Scriptures place the highest possible value on the sanctity of marriage. Biblically speaking, it would be fair to say that, next to an individual’s relationship with God, there is nothing in this world more important than the bond between husband and wife. That’s why it’s so important for Christian people as individuals and the Church as a body to do everything possible to strengthen and preserve good marriages and bring healing and restoration to couples who are struggling to survive. Among other things, this implies making an intentional effort to counter the cultural trends that have established divorce as an “easy” way of solving marital discord.

There are several important biblical passages that speak directly to this subject. Perhaps the best place to begin is with Malachi 2:16, where we are told in no uncertain terms that God hates divorce and desires to bring healing, forgiveness, and reconciliation to broken marital relationships. This is the overarching principle that needs to define our attitude toward marriage and divorce as Bible-believing Christians.

That said, it’s important to add that there are three situations in which the Scriptures seem to make allowance for divorce and remarriage:

1) When the first marriage and divorce occurred prior to salvation. Although a person cannot undo all the sins he has ever committed, he is forgiven for the wrongs he did before accepting Christ (see 2 Corinthians 5:17).
2) When one’s mate is guilty of sexual immorality and is unwilling to repent and live faithfully with his or her marriage partner. Jesus states specifically that divorce and remarriage are acceptable when due to this kind of “hardness of heart” (see Matthew 19:9). 3) When one of the mates is an unbeliever and willfully and permanently deserts the believing partner. This does not refer to a temporary departure, but a permanent abandonment (see 1 Corinthians 7:12-15).

Here’s a list of some other biblical references that may prove helpful in gaining a clearer understanding of the Christian view of marriage and divorce:

• Marriage: Genesis 1:27; Genesis 2:24; Matthew 19:4-6; Romans 7:1-3; 1 Corinthians 7:1-40
• Divorce: Malachi 2:13-16; 1 Corinthians 7:10-11, 27; Matthew 19:3-9; Colossians 3:12-14
• Extra-Marital Sexual Activity: Exodus 20:14; Matthew 5:28; 1 Corinthians 6:12-20; Hebrews 13:4
• Biblical Role of Husbands and Wives: Ephesians 5:21-33; Colossians 3:18-19; 1 Peter 3:1-7.

With these things in mind, it’s vital to add the caution that we must not become so caught up in assigning accountability for the circumstances of divorce that we fail to have compassion for the individuals involved. They need our friendship and understanding regardless of the circumstances surrounding the breakup of their marriage. To treat them as “lepers” or second-class citizens is not only cruel and insensitive, it is also a breach of Christ’s commandment that we love one another as He has loved us. There can be no sense in inflicting greater pain upon those who are already wounded. Instead, we are called to become agents of healing in their lives.

For more help, visit Focus on the Family’s Help Center (http://family.custhelp.com/app/home), or call the ministry’s Counseling Department for a free consultation at 855-771-HELP (4357).

from Infidelity: Biblical/Practical Questions