Marriage Devotional

‘Can he walk on hot coals and not blister his feet? So it is with the man who sleeps with another man’s wife. He who embraces her will not go unpunished.’ Proverbs 6:28-29(NLT)

If your marriage is in the process of recovering from an affair, you need to bear in mind that infidelity has a number of very real consequences, and that these consequences manifest themselves on various levels. As the Bible says, sin pays out its wages, and in some cases those wages can be deadly. Where infidelity is concerned, there are relational consequences as well as emotional consequences. There are spiritual consequences and consequences in terms of trust and confidence. All of this negative fallout has to be acknowledged and dealt with as directly and straightforwardly as possible if the marriage is to survive and thrive. If you and your spouse are currently in therapy with a trained counselor (as you ought to be), you’re probably discussing all of these issues in that context.

Having said this, it’s vital to add that infidelity can also have physical and medical consequences. In particular, the danger of contracting a sexually transmitted disease is very real and present. If your spouse has been unfaithful, both of you should get tested for sexually transmitted diseases at the earliest opportunity. Here’s why.

When marital unfaithfulness has occurred, one of the most important elements of the reconciliation process — perhaps the most important element — is a willingness on the part of the offending spouse to take responsibility for his actions and face up to the real-life results of the mistakes he has made. If your spouse’s actions have brought him into contact with sexually transmitted diseases, you will want to know about it right away. If an STD has been contracted, this could have huge implications for the sexual dimension of your relationship for the rest of your lives. This is a matter of special concern to a woman, since some of these diseases can lie dormant in the female body for a long time before manifesting any symptoms. It’s in everybody’s best interests to bring the facts to light as soon as possible — before there’s time for further damage to be incurred.

If it seems “unforgiving” or “untrusting” to insist upon testing, consider the following. In the first place, medical testing has nothing to do with trust. It’s just a simple, practical way of ascertaining the facts. Are the infectious agents that cause STDs present or not? That’s what you want to know. If the test comes back negative, no harm has been done. But should it turn up positive evidence of an infection, this information will be invaluable to you in your efforts to avoid further suffering.

Second, there’s a sense in which trust is a moot point at this stage in the game. By becoming involved in an extra-marital affair, your spouse has already proven untrustworthy. If he is still a man of character in any sense of the term, he ought to be willing to admit this and face the consequences head-on. That’s the only way he can realistically hope to re-establish trust and rebuild his relationship with you.
Finally, you need to bear in mind that forgiveness and trust are two different things. You can forgive your spouse for past waywardness, but this doesn’t mean that you should give him carte blanche for the future, nor should you necessarily take his word for it when he insists that he’ll never go down that road again. Through his actions he has forfeited a degree of his freedom and respectability. Real healing and reconciliation between the two of you can’t occur unless he’s ready to be held accountable. Trust can be restored if accountability is maintained over a long period of time, but not otherwise. That’s just the way it is.

Remember, too, that physical and sexual repercussions may be the least important aspects of an affair’s aftermath. The emotional and psychological sides of the problem are often of far greater importance and can be more difficult to resolve. If you’re serious about rebuilding trust and putting your marriage back on a firm footing, don’t stop short with medical testing for STDs. We highly recommend that you and your spouse move beyond this first and most basic step by initiating a rigorous course of therapy with a trained and qualified Christian counselor (if you haven’t already done so). Meeting with a good counselor is a necessary step to help uncover any unresolved issues in your relationship and get to the bottom of whatever it was that led to the affair in the first place.

from Infidelity: Biblical/Practical Questions

‘Yes, I am afraid that when I come again, God will humble me in your presence. And I will be grieved because many of you have not given up your old sins. You have not repented of your impurity, sexual immorality, and eagerness for lustful pleasure.’ 2 Corinthians 12:219(NLT)

When it comes to managing the aftermath of an affair, there are certain situations that call for the use of serious and resolute tactics. Such strategies are especially useful when the guilty party appears unrepentant; but they become an absolute necessity — a matter of simple survival for the betrayed spouse — when the offender says he (or she) is repentant but behaves in a manner that flatly contradicts his protestations of remorse. Hardened hearts and unrepentant minds call for drastic measures.

Unfortunately, it is all too often the case that the wounded spouse is not only reticent but actually afraid to implement such measures. She allows herself to be bullied into adopting a “victim” mentality. Sometimes she can even be persuaded to swallow the idea that the affair was somehow her fault, and that as a result it’s up to her to coddle the adulterer in every way possible so that he won’t repeat his offense. Fearful of “provoking” the unfaithful partner, she assumes a co-dependent mindset and ends up enabling the guilty party to persist in behavior which, from an objective point of view, can only be regarded as appalling. In one such case, a woman actually consented to allow her husband, who had supposedly “repented” of an extramarital affair, to date other women while continuing to live in her home!

Make no mistake about it. Forgiveness is a wonderful Christian virtue. But forgiveness alone won’t eliminate this kind of dysfunction. If infidelity has become an established pattern in the history of a couple’s relationship, it will not go away until both partners decide to address the root causes of the problem together. This in turn won’t happen until the wounded party takes the bull by the horns. Instead of accepting guilt and blame, a man or woman in this position needs to confront his or her spouse with a very direct question: “Are you or are you not willing to work with me to save this marriage?” If he is willing, he has only one choice: he has to cut all ties with the other party immediately. There can be no room for discussion or debate on that point.

Bottom line: a man (or woman) who feels he has the right to violate his marriage vows with impunity and without consequence and betray his wife while continuing to live with her under the same roof is seriously misguided. This is controlling, manipulative, and emotionally abusive behavior, and it should not be tolerated under any circumstances. The wife of such a husband needs to force a crisis and issue an ultimatum. If her man wants to continue to be unfaithful, he’s going to have to find new living accommodations. If separation is what it takes to open his eyes and stimulate some self-examination on his part, then so be it. At this point, there is no other hope for the marriage.

Meanwhile, the wife needs to engage the assistance of a trained Christian counselor and enlist the support of Christian friends. If she has children, she should make up her mind to deal with this situation for their sake if not for her own. She needs to cling to the Lord and her Christian friends and pray without ceasing for the courage to make it through each new day. God wants us to lean on one another during times of trouble. Many churches sponsor support groups for individuals facing such challenges. If her husband considers himself a Christian, she should also enlist the support of the church community in confronting him on his unacceptable behavior in accordance with Matthew 18:15-17.

from Infidelity: Biblical/Practical Questions

‘Then Ezra the priest stood and said to them: “You have committed a terrible sin. By marrying pagan women, you have increased Israel’s guilt. So now confess your sin to the Lord , the God of your ancestors, and do what he demands. Separate yourselves from the people of the land and from these pagan women.”’ Ezra 10:10-119(NLT)

The Old Testament consistently links adultery with idolatry, to the point where the one becomes a spiritual symbol or image of the other. Again and again, the prophets liken unfaithfulness to Yahweh to marital infidelity. As they see it, the gods of the Gentile nations are like illicit lovers after whom the people are inclined to run at the drop of a hat. In the Book of Ezra, these two types of infidelity come together in a striking way when the Jews, just returned from exile in Babylon, begin taking pagan wives in direct disobedience to the Lord’s command. Ezra tells them in no uncertain terms that there is only one way to cleanse themselves of this sin and restore their relationship with God: they have to cut off all ties with the foreign wives and their idols.

There’s a reason Elijah felt compelled to challenge the people of Israel as he did on Mount Carmel: “How long will you falter between two opinions? If the Lord is God, follow Him; but if Baal, follow him” (1 Kings 18:21). The fact of the matter was that the people thought they could do both at the same time. Their interest in religion was limited to finding out what was in it for them, and they figured the best way of doing that was to diversify their options. They forgot that the Lord had called them into an exclusive covenant relationship with Himself.

Strangely enough, there are some folks who experience a similar lapse of memory when it comes to marriage. These people fall prey to temptation and become involved in affairs from time to time. Even when these affairs are over, there are those among them who expect to be able to “stay in touch” with the “other man” or “other woman” while remaining married to their spouses. Incredible as it sounds, they find ways to convince themselves that this kind of contact is innocent and harmless — as in the case of the woman who “apologized” to her husband for her infidelity, only to add in the next breath that she wanted to continue communicating with her former lover by text.

Any husband or wife confronted with this kind of situation needs to follow the example of Ezra. He needs to insist absolutely that his wife cut off all communication with the other man, including texting. Apologizing for the affair is just one step in the process of reconciling and rebuilding a broken marriage. A woman’s actions after the apology demonstrate whether she is truly remorseful and taking steps to ensure that her husband’s trust isn’t broken again. If she’s unwilling to stop texting her boyfriend, that can only be regarded as a big red flag. It begs two important questions.

First, does this wife really understand how much her infidelity has hurt her husband and damaged the trust in their relationship? Having an affair is the most serious breach of trust in marriage. If she’s really sorry, she’ll understand that and do everything required to win back his heart.

The second question is, has she burned all her bridges to this illicit relationship? If not, she needs to do so right away. By continuing to communicate with this man in any form whatsoever, she’s preserving the flame of her extramarital romance and keeping her options open. That has to stop immediately.

If you and your spouse are working your way through the aftermath of an affair, it’s vital to bear this thought in mind. The process of restoring your marriage will remain at a standstill until the unfaithful spouse puts a total and complete end to the relationship with the other party. The betrayed spouse needs to take a firm stand in that regard. Otherwise, there can be no guarantee that the pattern of infidelity won’t repeat itself a hundred times over.
If you are not already working with a counselor, you should get that part of the process started right away. A trained Christian therapist who specializes in dealing with marital crises can help you and your spouse work out your differences in a constructive way.

from Infidelity: Biblical/Practical Questions

‘But it was also called Mizpah (which means “watchtower”), for Laban said, “May the Lord keep watch between us to make sure that we keep this covenant when we are out of each other’s sight. ‘ Genesis 31:499(NLT)

Military deployments are hard on married couples under the best of circumstances. They can become almost unbearable when the spouse in service is discovered in an affair just prior to going overseas. Once he embarks, how does the “victim” deal with the fallout of his infidelity? How does she cope with her feelings during the long months when it’s difficult, if not impossible, to communicate with her husband? What is she supposed to do while awaiting his return?

If this is your situation, you already know how painful it can be. You’re also aware that there isn’t much you can do to deal with the problem until your spouse returns from his tour of duty. Once he comes home, you’ll have an opportunity to talk with him face to face about the affair and to discuss your present relationship and the future of your marriage. Until then, you’ve got your work cut out for you on at least three different fronts: 1) you can wrestle with the problem on a spiritual level; 2) you can take care of yourself and work through your emotional reaction to your husband’s unfaithfulness; and 3) you can continue to care for him from a distance.

In Hosea 2:6 and 7, God has this to say about His unfaithful spouse, the nation Israel: “Therefore, behold, I will hedge up your way with thorns, and wall her in, so that she cannot find her paths. She will chase her lovers but not overtake them; yes, she will seek them, but not find them. Then she will say, ‘I will go and return to my first husband, for then it was better for me than now.’” While your spouse is away, you need to claim these verses on his behalf. Go before the Lord and pray a hedge of protection around him. Ask God to keep him from further temptations and opportunities to sin. Intercede for him before the throne of grace. Not only is this critical to the condition of his heart, but it will also be important to your own spiritual and emotional healing.

Another vital component of the healing process can be found in consultation with a licensed counselor. In your spouse’s absence, it’s critical that you find a therapist who can help you deal with your hurt and anger in a constructive way. Then, when your husband returns, present him with the need for and expectation that he will join you for some intensive counseling. In the meantime, you’re going to need a great deal of outside support and assistance to survive this difficult time in your life.

Finally, while your husband’s deployment lasts, stay in touch with him to the best of your ability. Our friends in the military have advised against addressing his infidelity in your letters or e-mails since on-base disclosures can affect security. Instead, supply him with detailed information about you, your children (if you have any), and the situation on the home front. Keep the lines of communication open even when he doesn’t respond in kind. This will have the effect of reminding him of your commitment to the marriage relationship until the day he returns.

from Infidelity: Biblical/Practical Questions