Marriage Devotional

‘Gentle words are a tree of life; a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit.’ Proverbs 15:4(NLT)

‘The tongue can bring death or life; those who love to talk will reap the consequences.’ Proverbs 18:21(NLT)

A soothing tongue is a tree of life, but perversion in it crushes the spirit. (Proverbs 15:4 NAS)

It has been proven in research that the first three minutes of any confrontation between spouses dictates the rest of the encounter. A harsh start-up dooms a conversation to failure from the beginning. A harsh start-up means beginning a disagreement with your spouse by yelling, accusing, making threats, name calling or so on.

Again, research proves that how you start determines how you finish. So, if you start in a wrong manner, it is better to stop the conversation and come back in a few minutes or hours and start it again. It is also very important that you apologize and take responsibility for anything you’ve said that is mean or damaging.

When you’re angry, it’s important that you talk it out with your spouse. The right way to confront is to begin by affirmation of your love and commitment to the relationship. Say something like this: “Honey, I’m upset and I want to talk to you. Before I say what I want to say, I just want you to know that I love you and I’m committed to you. I’m so glad we’re married and I know we’ll work this out. I also know I may be wrong, but I just need to talk and let you know how I’m feeling.”

When you confront in this manner, your spouse is in no way threatened. Your humble, affirming posture puts him or her in the best environment possible to hear what you have to say and to be able to respond. I have known many couples who begin every serious confrontation with threats of divorce or by calling their spouses terrible names. Remember this—words are nuclear and eternal. The Bible says that we have the power of death and life in our mouths (Proverbs 18:21).

People who don’t understand this damage each other and ruin their chances at happiness. Those who understand the power of words realize that they must be careful what they say. Never is this principle more important than in conflict resolution. When your feelings are hurt and you feel rejected and angry, you must keep your words carefully controlled. You must not allow your emotions to control your actions, but rather, let wisdom control your words.

To successfully resolve conflict you must begin with words of love and affirmation. Remember, the first three minutes of the conversation will determine the outcome in almost every case. Use them wisely and your marriage will reap the benefits.

Talk It Out | Role play a conflict, and practice the first three minutes of your conversation. Begin with affirmation, then talk about the way you feel when your spouse overdraws the checking account, forgets a birthday, etc. Remember how critical the first three minutes are, and notice how they set the tone for the remainder of the conversation.

Walk It Out | Take time this week to spend an hour together at the park. Sit on the swings, throw a frisbee or softball, feed the birds or ducks. Enjoy nature as you enjoy each other’s company.

from One: A Marriage Devotional by Jimmy Evans

‘So stop telling lies. Let us tell our neighbors the truth, for we are all parts of the same body. And “don’t sin by letting anger control you.” Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry, for anger gives a foothold to the devil.’ Ephesians 4:25-27(NLT)

Therefore putting away lying, “Let each one of you speak truth with his neighbor,” for we are members of one another. (Ephesians 4:25)

Last week we talked about how positive conflict resolution begins with an acceptance of your anger and by allowing your spouse to be honest about his or her anger as well. The second step in positive conflict resolution has to do with how you confront each other. Even though some anger can be dealt with in prayer or on a personal level, much of your anger related to our spouse’s behavior must be talked out.

This means you need to learn how to approach one another when you are angry. This is such a critical lesson to learn because uncontrolled or unrighteous anger can be so destructive. In learning to deal with confrontation, you first of all need to wait until your anger is under control. However, do it today. Ephesians 4:26-27 says, “Do not let the sun go down on your wrath, nor give place to the devil.”

The word interpreted “devil” is the Greek word diabolos, and it means “slanderer.” Going to bed on unresolved anger gives the devil an opportunity to whisper in your ear accusations and slander concerning your spouse. Remember that today’s anger is very manageable; yesterday’s anger is dangerous because it has fermented.

When Karen and I first got married we would go for months angry at each other. When we got mad, we got quiet. That is my natural personality. When I’m the most angry, I’m the quietest. That is ok in the short term, because it keeps me from saying or doing things I would regret in response to my anger. However, it is a very negative trait in the long term.

Karen and I have learned over the years not to get mad and get quiet. We know how dangerous it is to give the devil an opportunity in our marriage through unresolved anger. We make it a practice to confront each other in love every day.

Allow yourself and your spouse to be honest about your anger. Then be sure that you confront anger in a timely way, but wait a few minutes or a few hours until you are in control and won’t say or do anything you’ll regret or that will damage your spouse.

Talk It Out | Make a commitment to allow each other the freedom to talk about your negative feelings without being punished. Also, make a commitment never to go to bed angry again without talking things out and mapping out a plan for resolving the conflict.

Walk It Out | Think back to the time when you were dating; remember some of the fun things you liked to do together. Then designate a date night and go out and do something fun!

from One: A Marriage Devotional by Jimmy Evans

‘And “don’t sin by letting anger control you.” Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry, for anger gives a foothold to the devil.’ Ephesians 4:26-27(NLT)

Be angry, and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your wrath, nor give place to the devil. (Ephesians 4:26-27)

Every marriage has problems, even good marriages. The difference between a good and a bad marriage is simply the ability to work through problems. The good news is that every person can learn the skills of successful conflict resolution.

Regardless of the mistakes you may have made in the past, you can turn your marriage and life around by learning these skills. And these skills work in more than just marriage; they help you in every relationship.

One of the first principles of conflict resolution is how to deal with anger. In Ephesians 4:26, the first thing that the Apostle Paul tells us about dealing with anger is that we must acknowledge it. He says, “Be angry…” Denying anger doesn’t make it go away; instead, it makes it build up until it explodes in a destructive and unmanageable manner.

Anger isn’t necessarily good or bad; it’s just real. As human beings, we get angry. Sometimes it is because we’ve been genuinely violated. In other cases, it’s because we’re immature or have unrealistic expectations or are selfish. When I’m angry and need to get it out, I’m not claiming that I’m right; I’m just angry.

When Karen and I got married, we didn’t know how to deal with anger. We both stuffed a lot of it inside and about every three months we would have an explosive fight. Sometimes our fights were about the dumbest little things, but those dumb little things were just the spark that caused the stored up anger inside of us to explode.

What we learned over time is that we couldn’t go to bed angry. We not only learned to accept our own anger, but we also learned that we had to give each other the right to be angry and to express anger. Learning to be honest about your anger and allowing your spouse to do the same is the first step in successful conflict resolution. Once you are able to accept your anger, you must also commit to doing the right thing with it. You can never use your anger to justify unrighteous behavior. How you resolve conflict is crucial. It must be resolved in a manner that honors God and treats your spouse with dignity and care.

Talk It Out | Are you able to be honest about your anger, and do you allow your spouse to be honest about anger as well? Talk about the different ways each of you tends to respond to anger, and how it makes the other one feel. What can you do to improve your methods of dealing with anger?

Walk It Out | Commit to certain rules when dealing with anger and resolving conflict. Some suggestions are:

1. Take time apart to pray about a disagreement before talking about it together.

2. Decide ahead of time to not raise the volume of your voice.

3. Speak words of affirmation to your spouse before discussing the issue at hand.

4. Agree to never threaten divorce.

from One: A Marriage Devotional by Jimmy Evans

‘Faith shows the reality of what we hope for; it is the evidence of things we cannot see. ‘ Hebrews 11:1(NLT)

‘And it is impossible to please God without faith. Anyone who wants to come to him must believe that God exists and that he rewards those who sincerely seek him.’ Hebrews 11:6(NLT)

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. (Hebrews 11:1)

Hebrews 11:6 says that it is impossible to please God without faith. Every good thing that God does in our lives is in response to our faith in Him and His Word. It pleases Him when we believe in His presence and His good intentions for us. In other words, faith works when we believe in the unseen presence of God and His unfailing love. Faith withers when we doubt that He is with us in an intimate manner or that He loves us as our Heavenly Father.

In marriage, faith must be exercised every day and in every area of life. Faith gets our eyes off of each other and the smaller issues and puts them on a big God. When we pray in faith, not only do we see God answer with miracles, but we also find a place of unity and peace in the midst of the worst storms in life.

Karen and I have learned that if we don’t pray, we will worry and probably fight. Worse still, if we don’t pray, we don’t see God work as only He can. We have seen literally hundreds, if not thousands, of answers to prayer over the forty+ years of our marriage. Faith in God is a bond between us that is stronger than any force that can come against us or try to tear us apart.

Faith becomes especially crucial when you see an area of weakness in your spouse. I verbally abused and dominated Karen for the first several years of our marriage because I wanted her to change. I thought the force of my words and personality could do it. It didn’t. The only thing it did was to ruin our marriage and almost cause a divorce.

Karen didn’t change until I put faith in God, did what the Bible said, and trusted God for the results. I remember when I learned to say something once to Karen in a loving manner and then to pray for God to enforce it. The results were amazing!

God cares about every detail of your life, and He is ready to act on your behalf when you put faith in Him. As you pray and believe, God will come through for you.

Talk It Out | Ask yourself these two important questions: Do you have faith in God? And do you exercise faith related to your marriage? Talk about the areas of your marriage that you’re ready to stop worrying or fighting about and start trusting in God. Pray together and begin to believe God to see a change.

Walk It Out | Pick out a favorite Bible verse this week, write it down and share it with your spouse. Make it a special reminder to both of you that God is working in your marriage and that you can trust Him with any situation, big or small.

from One: A Marriage Devotional by Jimmy Evans

‘Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. ‘ 1 Corinthians 13:4-5(NLT)

Love is patient, love is kind, and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own. (1 Corinthians 13:4-5 NAS)

Did you know there are reasons we love the people we do? There are two things we all have in common about those we love. First, we admire something about the people we love. Second, they make us feel good about ourselves.

This formula for love never changes—it is always true. Even in our relationship with Christ, it’s true.

For instance, I love Christ because I admire Him. There is no one I admire more. But admiration for His character and nature is not the only reason I love Him. I love Christ because
of what He did for me on the cross, and what He does for me daily in my relationship with Him. He makes me feel valued, special, and secure. I love the way He makes me feel about me.

The truth is, you will never fall in love with a person who makes you feel bad about yourself.

Just think about the “puppy love” phase of your relationship. You were attracted to each other and couldn’t wait to spend time together. The reason was twofold. You liked something about the other person, and you liked the way he or she made you feel about yourself.

Now let’s talk about how a breakdown in a love relationship occurs. One of the most crucial roles you play in your husband’s or wife’s life is to be God’s instrument in revealing to them that they are very important and special. When you are no longer feeding each other’s self-esteem and regularly highlighting the things you admire about each other, the formula for love begins to break down.

The good news is, this situation is easily reversed. As you make it a point to look for and talk about the qualities you admire in each other, you will begin rebuilding each other’s self-esteem. With a little bit of effort, you will be able to see immediate results. The way your husband or wife makes you feel will improve noticeably, and you’ll discover that the formula for love is easier than you might have thought!

Talk It Out | Try looking at your relationship from your spouse’s perspective by asking yourself the question, “How healthy would my self-esteem be if I were married to me?” Share your thoughts and talk about ways to make improvements in this area. Take turns talking about the qualities you admire in each other.

Walk It Out | One night this week, give each other a 10-minute (or longer) massage. While giving your spouse a massage, talk about the things you admire and appreciate most about him or her.

from One: A Marriage Devotional by Jimmy Evans

‘The tongue can bring death or life; those who love to talk will reap the consequences.’ Proverbs 18:21(NLT)

Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit. (Proverbs 18:21)

Communication in marriage is a lifeline of information, conflict resolution and affection. To be able to communicate effectively, you must understand the disproportionate power of words.

In relationships, words are tremendously powerful for good or bad. In every good relationship, there is an exchange of many positive words. These words act as seeds that create a powerful and disproportionate harvest. The same is true in bad relationships. In every bitter or unsatisfactory marriage, there are either few words exchanged (few seeds planted) or there are negative words exchanged (bad seeds planted).

Literally, the power of life or death for any relationship is in your mouth. You possess an incredible ability to give life or death, encouragement or discouragement, truth or deception, praise or criticism, hurt or help to those around you.

To understand this issue fully, you must first recognize how your own family history and the culture around you can shape the way you communicate. We live in a smart-aleck, sarcastic, and immoral culture. Words are thrown around as if they don’t matter, and people are treated as though they had little worth. Just watch a little television and you’ll get my point.

Also, if you are from a verbally abusive family or have lived in a negative verbal environment, you will have the tendency to follow that pattern of behavior. It is important to realize the unhealthy manner in which those around you communicate and to refuse to follow suit. If you will notice, you can see that those who are impure, ungodly, or negative in their speech do not have good relationships.

Words are like seeds. If you don’t like the harvest in your marriage, there is good news: you can change seeds and the harvest will change. You have power. You aren’t helpless and you aren’t a victim. You have the power of death and life in your tongue. Unleash that power toward your spouse in a positive manner and you will see the truth of what the Bible says.

Talk It Out | Ask each other these questions, and answer honestly (but kindly!).

+ Do I communicate with you enough?

+ Do I communicate praise and appreciation to you enough?

+ Have I spoken negative or hurtful words that I need to apologize for?

Walk It Out | Write down several positive, affirming things you would like to say to your spouse. Putting them down on paper first helps you select just the right words. Exchange papers sometime before next week’s devotional time.

from One: A Marriage Devotional by Jimmy Evans

‘Kind words are like honey— sweet to the soul and healthy for the body.’ Proverbs 16:24(NLT)

Kind words are like honey—sweet to the soul and healthy for the body. (Proverbs 16:24, NLT)

Every couple faces communication challenges in their marriage. I’ve faced my own challenges, taught on the subject for many years, and learned there is one element necessary for success—caring.

That’s right. It doesn’t matter what communication techniques you may know and understand—if you don’t care, it won’t make a difference.

The actual breakdown of communication in marriage typically begins when attitudes begin to change. For instance, when you first began dating, you had long conversations about your
lives, future, expectations, etc. And things were great! Why? Because you cared! You worked to understand each other and affirm the importance of what the other person had to say. This is one reason you fell in love and became willing to commit in a deeper way to the relationship.

Fast forward into the marriage when communication begins to break down and you’ll find a different story. The lack of faceto-face, meaningful time together combined with sarcastic retorts, eye rolling, negative facial gestures and just a basic lack of caring about what your spouse is feeling or saying will devastate the atmosphere of positive communication.

For your marriage to be successful, you’re going to have to have an open line of communication. For that to happen, you need to feel safe enough to share your thoughts and feelings with each other. That will only take place if you feel as though the other person really cares.

Caring is communicated by eye contact, a positive countenance, providing positive feedback as your spouse shares, valuing his or her input, and simply doing anything you can to let them know you care. Also, as you care about your partner, it will become easier to understand the opposite sex. It’s really not that hard to figure out the person you are married to if you really care about him or her. However, if you don’t have personal concern for each other, your marriage can quickly become a dark mystery with danger at every turn.

Ready to try a little “care repair” in your marriage? It will go a long way toward getting the communication in your marriage back on track. When that happens, you’ll automatically experience a rise in the romantic temperature of your relationship! As long as you keep communicating how much you care, the temperature of romance will continue to increase.

Talk It Out | Have you communicated lately how much you care about each other? Are you experiencing a breakdown in communication because of some of the negative traits listed above? If so, talk about ways to make positive changes in these areas.

Walk It Out | Show your spouse how much you care by making eye contact and giving positive feedback during your next conversation.

from One: A Marriage Devotional by Jimmy Evans

‘A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare.’ Proverbs 15:1(NLT)

A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. (Proverbs 15:1, NIV)

One time Karen and I were having a fight. I remember how frustrated I was. I kept trying to tell her how I felt and convince her that she was wrong. I wasn’t making any progress, which only made me more frustrated. At one point in the conversation, I remember Karen saying to me, “Jimmy, I wish I had an audio recording of how you talk to me. You wouldn’t believe how harsh you are.” I immediately reacted to what she said. “I’m not harsh with you!” I insisted (with my voice raised).

Several days later I was praying about what Karen had said. I was reading in Ephesians where it says that Jesus washes His Bride “with the washing of water by the word” (Ephesians 5:26). Immediately, in my mind, I saw myself standing before Jesus, filthy in my sins. The next thing I saw was Jesus filling His hands with water and very gently pouring it over my head. He wasn’t at all harsh with the application of His Word. Just the opposite, He was so gentle and loving.

The next thing the Lord showed me troubled me greatly. I saw Karen standing in front of me in a beautiful wedding gown. The gown had some stains on it and I was washing her down with a fire hose. The force of the fire hose was causing Karen pain and tearing her beautiful gown apart.

At once I knew that the Lord was showing me the difference between His nature and mine when it came to communication and trying to change others. I repented to God in that moment and changed my ways immediately.

The next time I confronted Karen, I decided to speak in a loving manner and leave the results to God. It wasn’t long before she noticed the difference in me. As soon as I changed, Karen began to blossom like a rose. Our relationship became so much better.

Now, I can say how I feel and leave the outcome to God. I have found that He is much better at changing people and producing results than I am. Sometimes I am the one who needs to change, and God is always faithful to reveal that to me in His loving and kind way.

Tell each other the truth, but do it in love and don’t try to be the enforcer. Remember, the truth is powerful. It doesn’t need our help. Just lovingly apply it, and it will do wonders!

Talk It Out | How do you communicate with each other when you are frustrated about something? Talk about ways to improve your approach—tone of voice, body language, choice of words, etc.

Walk It Out | Choose gentle words to speak to your spouse, and see how he or she blossoms with your praise.

from One: A Marriage Devotional by Jimmy Evans

‘Everyone enjoys a fitting reply; it is wonderful to say the right thing at the right time!’ Proverbs 15:23(NLT)

A man has joy by the answer of his mouth, and a word spoken in due season, how good it is! (Proverbs 15:23)

Communication is a huge issue in marriage. It is the first point of contact when you initially meet, and it provides the foundation for relational growth. Because it is so important as a foundation, there are some things to remember.

First of all, a wise master builder never overbuilds on a foundation. You simply cannot establish a superstructure on a foundation that is either too small, too thin, or too weak. Likewise, your marriage cannot grow beyond the foundation of communication.

Regardless of how long you’ve been married, communication can never become a secondary issue. In other words, sex, money, children, houses, or any aspect of marriage cannot take the place of communication as the primary base of your marriage.

When you have a house with foundation problems, the problems are typically more visible in other areas than with the foundation. Cracks in the walls, doors that won’t close, and loose flooring are merely symptoms of the real problem. You can patch and fix all you want, but you’re just going to have to keep doing it over and over again until you fix the foundation.

It is the same in marriage. When you have communication problems, it shows up in every other area. For example, when you’re not communicating you begin fighting about money, the kids, and other things. Also, it has a significant impact on your sex life. This is especially true for women.

Communication takes time and energy. Regardless of how busy you are or what sacrifices you have to make, take time to talk. Many years ago when this was a big issue for Karen and me, we took time after we put the kids to bed to sit face-to-face and talk. It transformed our marriage on every level.

We have never stopped. We talk a lot every day and we love it. It is the basis for everything we do in our marriage. It really never gets more complicated than that.

If you’ve become lazy in communicating, get to work and realize the importance of this issue. The more you learn to communicate, the stronger your marriage will be and the higher it can go.

Talk It Out | Sit in a comfortable chair or on the couch, facing each other, and take turns talking and listening. Do this for at least ten to fifteen minutes. It may seem uncomfortable at first, but as you relax and begin to enjoy it, you’ll discover you really do have interesting things to talk about!

Walk It Out | Turn off the television, put down the newspaper or magazine, and take a walk together one evening. Talk about the events of your day and reconnect with each other.

from One: A Marriage Devotional by Jimmy Evans

‘Now the man and his wife were both naked, but they felt no shame.’ Genesis 2:25(NLT)

And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed. (Genesis 2:25)

It is interesting that when God created Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, He created them naked and without any shame related to it. The word “naked” in Genesis 2:25 means “to be exposed.” In other words, God created marriage to be a place where you could totally expose yourselves to each other—mentally, emotionally, spiritually, sexually, and physically—without shame.

This is what makes intimacy on every level possible in marriage. When you are truly “naked” without shame in marriage, you can share your lives with each other. You have unhindered access to each other. You can talk about anything without fear. You can express your sexuality without inhibition. You can share your darkest feelings and brightest dreams with each other without a thought of future reproach.

All of this is true under one condition—that the relationship remains pure. You see, when Adam and Eve were created, they were naked without shame until sin entered into the relationship. Once they sinned, they could no longer trust each other. Paradise was lost as they both retreated under fig leaves and shivered in fear, separated from intimacy with God and each other.

The good news is this—couples can find their way back to paradise. It begins as you take responsibility for your actions and apologize for any damaging behavior. As you both do this, you will create an atmosphere of purity in your relationship—the fig leaves will be removed and your intimacy will return.

To keep the purity in your relationship, you must be careful in how you treat each other. You also must monitor your words, attitudes, and actions to make sure you don’t become sloppy and take each other for granted. When you make a mistake, apologize quickly. This is the only way to create a “naked” marriage the way God intended.

Talk It Out | In what areas of your marriage are you reluctant to let down your guard and become “naked” before each other (mentally, emotionally, spiritually, sexually, physically)? Talk about mistakes you have made and positive changes you can make to improve your level of intimacy.

Walk It Out | Tell each other about a specific dream you have for the future. Take the initial steps toward letting yourself be vulnerable, and be sure to affirm each other and let each other know that your marriage is a safe place to be open and honest.

from One: A Marriage Devotional by Jimmy Evans