Marriage Devotional

‘Let all that I am praise the Lord ; with my whole heart, I will praise his holy name. Let all that I am praise the Lord ; may I never forget the good things he does for me.’ Psalms 103:1-2(NLT)

Bless the Lord, O my soul; and all that is within me, bless His holy name! Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all His benefits. (Psalm 103:1-2)

One thing that draws us together as men and women in marriage is our God-designed differences. Unfortunately, it is also one of the primary things that causes us to become frustrated with each other and to reject one another as being weird or abnormal.

Men and women are different by God’s design. We think differently from each other. Our major needs are different. God created us with significantly different natures. We need to accept this fact and not allow our minds to be deceived by the lie that there is someone of the opposite sex who is just like us.

I am amused when I see commercials on television about websites that offer single people an opportunity to find their ideal partner. Now, even though I hope everyone finds a compatible spouse, it is unrealistic to think that you’re going to find someone just like you.

Up until now you may have viewed your differences as a curse rather than a blessing. I want to help you be thankful for differences. That’s right; the differences between you and your spouse are actually something you should celebrate.

A man I once counseled discovered that truth after thirty years of marriage. He had never experienced an ounce of intimacy with his wife until they began to work on the problem. They made real progress and this is what he told me. “We’ve now gone through three levels in our relationship. In the first one, we totally rejected each other’s differences. Then for about fifteen years we tolerated each other’s differences.

Recently, I’ve come to understand that we can celebrate each other’s differences. I am ashamed to say it has taken me thirty years of marriage to learn this. Finally, I have come to the place I can look at her and say, ‘Thank God for the differences in my wife.’”

Knowing how to celebrate the differences in your spouse will make all the difference in your relationship. And here’s an important key: friends do celebrate their differences.

They enjoy the fact that one person has a gift or a skill they don’t have, or that one person sees things from a different perspective than they do. That’s the way best friends are.

So count your spouse as your best friend. Know that your differences can be dynamic rather than dangerous in your relationship.

Talk It Out | What are some of the gifts or skills your spouse has that you don’t have? Express your appreciation for the strengths you see in your spouse, and talk about ways you can appreciate and celebrate your differences.

Walk It Out | One morning this week, start your day with a date. Wake up early and go to breakfast together.

from One: A Marriage Devotional by Jimmy Evans

‘So humble yourselves under the mighty power of God, and at the right time he will lift you up in honor. ‘ 1 Peter 5:6(NLT)

Humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time. (1 Peter 5:6)

Adam and Eve were the first married couple. They were created in a place called Eden, which means “pleasure and delight.” God intended for them to live in an environment of peace, abundance, and love.

So, how did things change from paradise to the pain and failure we see today? To understand the answer we must first realize that when Adam and Eve sinned, they caused the fall of mankind. Even though that is true, it isn’t the complete reason for the problems we see today. The fuller reason is blame transfer.

You see, when God confronted Adam and Eve about their sin, they refused to accept responsibility for it. You can read the account yourself in the third chapter of Genesis. The short
version is this: Adam blamed Eve for his sin and Eve blamed the devil. They were both unwilling to admit their faults and take responsibility for their actions.

Even though Adam and Eve’s failure was thousands of years ago, their sin lives on today in the lives of many couples. I have counseled a great number of husbands and wives who just would not take responsibility for their own problems. In most cases, they were convinced that if their spouses would change, all of their problems would be solved. Of course, their spouses had the opposite opinion.

So how do you break this dangerous cycle of blame transfer?

Here are three simple steps:

1. Stop focusing on your spouse’s problems. You can’t change him or her, but you can change yourself; once you change, the marriage changes.

2. Don’t make it about your spouse; make it about God. Be willing to deal honestly with God about your own issues, and you will experience a new level of grace, peace, and power in your life.

3. Be humble. James chapter four tells us that God resists proud people, but gives grace to humble people. Humility is attractive and contagious. Pride is repulsive, but unfortunately it is also contagious.

To have a functional and successful marriage and family, we must be willing to be honest and humble people who take responsibility for our own issues. Rather than living as victims of other people’s mistakes, we can live as victors if we will take responsibility for our own problems and trust God to deal with the faults of our spouse and others.

Talk It Out | In reading this description of blame transfer, do you recognize areas in your life where this occurs? If so, talk about it honestly and openly with each other, and pray for each other as you submit these issues to God.

Walk It Out | Have a game night this week. It could be cards or checkers, bowling or miniature golf—just choose something you can play together and have fun!

from One: A Marriage Devotional by Jimmy Evans

‘And he gives grace generously. As the Scriptures say, “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.” So humble yourselves before God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come close to God, and God will come close to you. Wash your hands, you sinners; purify your hearts, for your loyalty is divided between God and the world. Let there be tears for what you have done. Let there be sorrow and deep grief. Let there be sadness instead of laughter, and gloom instead of joy. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up in honor.’ James 4:6-10(NLT)

God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble…Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and He will lift you up. (James 4:6,10)

I love this statement: “The best person does the right thing first.” Much of the destructive tit-for-tat fighting in marriages is the result of a standoff between the husband and wife. Both are doing the wrong thing—and justifying it because of the wrong their spouse is doing.

In most cases, each party believes his or her position to be the right and noble position. With jaw set and mind made up, each person is waiting for the other to do the right thing and change. The problem is both spouses have this same attitude. Thus, the proverbial “irresistible force” meets the “immovable object” and another marriage bites the dust.

That premise brings to mind a song from my childhood sung by Roger Miller, titled “Husbands and Wives”:

Two broken hearts, lonely, looking like houses where nobody lives,

Two people each having so much pride inside neither side forgives.

The angry words spoken in haste, such a waste of two lives,

It’s my belief pride is the chief cause in the decline
of a number of husbands and wives.

Those words tell a story that is sadly true and common. Pride destroys marriages. Let me repeat my opening statement: “The best person does the right thing first.” Humility is the mark of the best person. Rather than justifying wrongdoing and responding to immaturity with immaturity—humility responds with a different spirit and a higher standard.

In all my years of marriage counseling, I have seen countless scenarios where two prideful and stubborn people were at a standoff, each waiting for the other person to flinch. Many of these situations didn’t end well. My favorite stories, however, are those where a humble person stepped forward and was willing to be the redeemer of the tough situation. While even those scenarios don’t turn out well 100 percent of the time, the percentage is certainly very high.

One person doing the right thing can turn a situation around.

When you choose to do the right thing, God can use your humility and godly character as a conduit to infuse His love and power into your marriage!

Talk It Out | Is there an issue of pride that is keeping distance between you? Talk about what it is and how you can take the first steps toward closing the gap by having a humble attitude toward each other.

Walk It Out | Don’t leave the house this week without giving each other a sincere hug and kiss every morning this week. Pray a blessing over each other’s day.

from One: A Marriage Devotional by Jimmy Evans

‘But let all who take refuge in you rejoice; let them sing joyful praises forever. Spread your protection over them, that all who love your name may be filled with joy.’ Psalms 5:11(NLT)

‘Don’t be concerned about the outward beauty of fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes. You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God. This is how the holy women of old made themselves beautiful. They put their trust in God and accepted the authority of their husbands. For instance, Sarah obeyed her husband, Abraham, and called him her master. You are her daughters when you do what is right without fear of what your husbands might do.’ 1 Peter 3:3-6(NLT)

Let all those rejoice who put their trust in You; let them ever shout for joy, because you defend them. (Psalm 5:11)

Women are simply incredible, especially when it comes to relationships. When it comes to marriage, women initiate the vast majority of marriage counseling. When something is wrong with their marriages, most women seek to fix it and are much more open to getting outside help. Having said all of that, there is one major fault that most women deal with as it relates to men and marriage. The problem is fear.

Fear is the opposite of faith. It causes you to over-react to issues and to act in a manner that actually causes your fears to come true. The following Scripture from the book of 1 Peter speaks to the issue of women, marriage and fear.

Do not let your adornment be merely outward—arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel— rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God. For in this manner, in former times, the holy women who trusted in God also adorned themselves, being submissive to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, whose daughters you are if you do good and are not afraid with any terror. (1 Peter 3:3-6)

In verse six, Peter tells women that they are called to be like Sarah, Abraham’s wife (the father of faith), but they will have to overcome “terror” to be able to follow her example.

Because women are very relational and caring, the devil tries to use their strengths as his open door. When things go wrong in the home or a husband is falling short of the standard of God’s Word, women intuitively know it and want to do something about it.

There are always two choices: faith and fear.

Fear motivates you to act according to your emotions and to Try to force results. Fear magnifies a husband’s misbehavior and then prophesies to his wife gloom and doom for the future. Ultimately, it drives her to do the wrong thing and to justify what she does because she is trying to save the day.

Faith is just the opposite. Faith tells you to believe God, do the right thing, and trust Him for the results. Instead of acting on your emotions, you choose to pray and place your confidence in the Lord. According to Peter, this is the right choice for wives who want to get real results.

Talk It Out | Wives, in what area of your marriage do you sometimes react in fear instead of faith? Husbands, talk with your wife about ways you can come alongside her and help her replace her fear with faith in God.

Walk It Out | Begin planning a special weekend away from home—no children, laptops, cell phones, etc. For convenience, you can make it a place that is a short drive or flight from home, but make it a place where you can reconnect and focus on each other and your marriage.

from One: A Marriage Devotional by Jimmy Evans

‘Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.’ Proverbs 3:5-6(NLT)

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths. (Prov. 3:5-6)

There is a dangerous dynamic that sets up in many marriages. I call it the teeter-totter syndrome. It is based upon the dynamic where we naturally respond to our spouse’s behavior. When one spouse moves to an unhealthy or extreme position, the other spouse will almost always adjust to the other extreme to protect themselves and the relationship.

Imagine two people sitting face-to-face in the middle of a teeter-totter on a playground. They are close and their weight is balanced. But what happens if one of them moves backwards? You know how it works. On a teeter-totter, everything the other person does on their side affects you on your side—just like marriage.

If the other person on a teeter-totter moves backwards, then you also have to move backwards to keep the balance. If they continue to move backwards, you have to keep moving.

The way it works in real life is like this: one spouse is out of control in their spending so the other spouse has to go to extremes to try to protect the money. One spouse is distant with the kids and won’t discipline them, so the other spouse has to become the disciplinarian and full-time attendant. One spouse becomes a religious fanatic and tries to enforce a legalistic environment in the home, so the other spouse fights to keep some fun and balance.

Our natural response when we perceive a wrong move on our spouse’s part is to adjust accordingly to a “balancing” position. This is the teeter-totter syndrome. Almost all couples have experienced it, but there is a way to avoid it.

The answer is threefold. The first step is loving communication and pursuit. Talk to your spouse about their behavior and tell them you feel a distance. Don’t react and create even more distance.

The second step is to take responsibility for your own actions. Remember, you began face-to-face in the middle of the teeter-totter. If you’ve moved, you’re wrong. Be humble and realize that some of your spouse’s actions could have been in response to your moving away.

The third step is to get help. If you can’t resolve an issue on your own, don’t sit by as your marriage grows more distant and the problems more dangerous. Get help. Be willing to get
advice and take it. Don’t be satisfied until you are sitting faceto-face again. Remember, that is where you started, and the best times in your marriage are spent right there!

Talk It Out | Have you experienced the teeter-totter syndrome in your marriage? Talk about anything that has gotten out of balance and how you can bring it back into balance.

Walk It Out | Do an activity together that requires balance—skating, bike riding, or walking on a narrow path. Compare how different factors can make you lose your balance (wind or other weather elements, distractions, losing focus). Talk about how this applies to other situations in your marriage and life.

from One: A Marriage Devotional by Jimmy Evans

‘You know what I am going to say even before I say it, Lord .’ Psalms 139:4(NLT)

Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord. (Psalm 139:4 NIV)

For the first fifteen years of our marriage, money was the most difficult subject for us to discuss. Today, money is a blessing and we can talk about it without any friction. Let me tell you two things we did that helped us in this area.

First, we submitted our finances to the Lord. Before making decisions, we pray. We don’t try to dominate each other or “win” arguments over money. We both realize that if we pray and find God’s will, He will bless us and we won’t fight.

Second, we began to honor each other’s money language. In the bad days of our marriage I would call Karen a tightwad and she would call me a spendthrift. We each see money very
differently and it caused us to argue and accuse each other.

Then one day I read an article by financial psychologist Kenneth Doyle about the four different money languages. Each of us has a predominant money language that affects our perceptions and decisions. The four money languages are:

Driver – Money means success. A driver says “I love you” by buying things and showing you through material objects you are important to them. Obviously, taken too far this can become materialistic and non-relational.

Analytic – Money means security. Analytics say “I love you” through saving and planning for the future. Taken too far they can become miserable, no fun and controlling. They can also communicate more value for money than people.

Amiable – Money means love. An amiable says “I love you” by sharing and giving. Without balance and wisdom, an amiable can be impulsive and unprepared for the future.

Expressive – Money means acceptance. Expressives say “I love you” by buying, showing and sharing. Taken too far, expressives use money the way some people use alcohol—to deal with pain and anxiety in a wrong manner.

When reading these descriptions, most couples are able to immediately identify themselves and their spouses. Approximately eighty percent of all couples have different money languages. Understanding these differences helps you identify the strengths and weaknesses you both have, and it can actually help you make better money decisions because you are able to balance each other’s perspective.

Talk It Out | Identify which money language you think describes you and share that with each other. Talk about the ways you can balance each other’s tendencies when making financial decisions.

Walk It Out | Set aside a certain amount of money to help someone. Ask God to show you a family or individual whom you could bless by giving them a gift card or buying a specific item they need but can’t afford.

from One: A Marriage Devotional by Jimmy Evans

‘But people who long to be rich fall into temptation and are trapped by many foolish and harmful desires that plunge them into ruin and destruction. For the love of money is the root of all kinds of evil. And some people, craving money, have wandered from the true faith and pierced themselves with many sorrows.
Paul’s Final Instructions
But you, Timothy, are a man of God; so run from all these evil things. Pursue righteousness and a godly life, along with faith, love, perseverance, and gentleness. Fight the good fight for the true faith. Hold tightly to the eternal life to which God has called you, which you have declared so well before many witnesses. ‘ 1 Timothy 6:9-12(NLT)

Now godliness with contentment is great gain. But those who desire to be rich fall into temptation and a snare, and into many foolish and harmful lusts which drown men in destruction and perdition. For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil… (1 Timothy 6:6, 9-10)

In the verses above, the Apostle Paul gave Timothy a warning about money. He began by talking about the issue of contentment. Contentment is the opposite of greed. A spirit of contentment is crucial in financial success because it is able to wait for things. Also, as it waits, it is thankful to God for what He has already provided. Contentment does not mean you don’t want more. It just means that as you pray and believe God for more, you trust Him for His provision as you thank
Him for all He has done in the past.

Without contentment, you are driven to get more and many times take for granted what God has done. Even worse, discontentment is often unthankful and negative about present circumstances. That is offensive to God and is an attitude He won’t bless. Even though He always loves you, He is like any good parent. He rewards thankfulness and obedience and won’t reward bad attitudes and rebellion.

The fruit of discontentment is debt, division in your marriage and being deceived into believing that money and material objects will fulfill you. The worst result of discontentment is the loss of intimacy with God. Because you are not thankful and dependent upon Him, money becomes your god and replaces the Lord as the object of your attention, affection and trust.

Paul also warned Timothy that people who desire to be rich fall into temptations and snares that lead to destruction. You need to realize that God wants to bless you financially. Wealth is a blessing from God. The issue is not that God does not want you to be rich. The issue is that money should not be the chief goal of your life and the love of money should not overshadow your love for God. The number one desire of your life should be to please God and obey His will.

God wants to bless you and give you your heart’s desires. He is a good God. However, God blesses you as you thank Him daily for what He has done and maintain a spirit of contentment. You unashamedly pray and plan for more, but are willing to wait until He guides and provides.
This is the secret of a financially blessed marriage.

Talk It Out | Thank God for giving you food, covering and the basics of life. Pray together about your financial needs, desires and dreams. As you do this regularly, it will transform your marriage and your relationship with God.

Walk It Out | Put into practice the concept of contentment by blessing someone else. Volunteer at a shelter or soup kitchen, or give a financial gift to a non-profit organization whose cause you believe in.

from One: A Marriage Devotional by Jimmy Evans

‘“If they listen and obey God, they will be blessed with prosperity throughout their lives. All their years will be pleasant.’ Job 36:11(NLT)

‘He said, “A nobleman was called away to a distant empire to be crowned king and then return. Before he left, he called together ten of his servants and divided among them ten pounds of silver, saying, ‘Invest this for me while I am gone.’ ‘ Luke 19:12-13(NLT)

If they obey and serve Him, they shall spend their days in prosperity, and their years in pleasures. (Job 36:11)

I read some marriage research the other day that made me laugh. Apparently someone did a study of married couples in which they asked the husbands and wives separately how much money they earned as a household and how much total wealth they possessed.

The typical husband tended to report that the couple earns 5 percent more income and has 10 percent more total wealth than the typical wife reported.

I laughed when I read that because I thought to myself, “It’s no wonder there is so much conflict in marriage over money. Couples can’t even agree on how much they have!”

One survey indicated that the average family felt that their financial difficulties could all be solved with 25 percent more income. But when income does increase, a family’s wants and expenses seem to increase right along with it.

Many people are surprised to learn that the Bible has a lot to say about these issues. Luke 19:12-13 records a parable of Jesus that has an important message about money management. “Therefore, a certain nobleman went to a distant country to receive a kingdom for himself, and then return. And he called ten of his slaves, and gave them ten minas, and said to them, ‘Do business with this until I come back.’”

The practical application for us is that Jesus is the nobleman, and we are the servants left in charge of certain resources. The lesson we can learn from this story is that God owns everything. It is not my part, your part, the bank’s part, the government’s part—it is all His. Like the nobleman, He gives it to us to “do business with” for an undetermined time.

The ancient Hebrews had a view of life which I believe has been largely lost today. They believed all of life was God’s business. If you were a carpenter, you were an ordained carpenter—God’s carpenter. If you were a fisherman, you were God’s fisherman—and fishing was holy work.

In your marriage, it’s important to establish financial priorities, agree on a budget you both can live with, and then work together to keep the financial ship afloat. When you do this, there is harmony in the area of your finances. Just remember, true prosperity is not wealth. Prosperity is progress toward a predetermined, worthwhile goal.

Talk It Out | Each of you take a sheet of paper and write down, in order of importance, the top five financial goals you would like to achieve. Compare your lists and discuss how you can form one list from the two. Then pray and ask God to bless these goals and help you achieve them.

Walk It Out | This week, come up with a creative way to go on an inexpensive date. Instead of dinner and a movie, take sandwiches to the park, browse a free museum, or visit a local attraction. Think of other ways you can save money toward achieving your financial goals, without sacrificing your time together.

from One: A Marriage Devotional by Jimmy Evans

Unity in the Body
‘Therefore I, a prisoner for serving the Lord, beg you to lead a life worthy of your calling, for you have been called by God. Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love. Make every effort to keep yourselves united in the Spirit, binding yourselves together with peace. For there is one body and one Spirit, just as you have been called to one glorious hope for the future. There is one Lord, one faith, one baptism, one God and Father of all, who is over all, in all, and living through all. However, he has given each one of us a special gift through the generosity of Christ. That is why the Scriptures say, “When he ascended to the heights, he led a crowd of captives and gave gifts to his people.” Notice that it says “he ascended.” This clearly means that Christ also descended to our lowly world. And the same one who descended is the one who ascended higher than all the heavens, so that he might fill the entire universe with himself. Now these are the gifts Christ gave to the church: the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, and the pastors and teachers. Their responsibility is to equip God’s people to do his work and build up the church, the body of Christ. This will continue until we all come to such unity in our faith and knowledge of God’s Son that we will be mature in the Lord, measuring up to the full and complete standard of Christ. Then we will no longer be immature like children. We won’t be tossed and blown about by every wind of new teaching. We will not be influenced when people try to trick us with lies so clever they sound like the truth. Instead, we will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church. He makes the whole body fit together perfectly. As each part does its own special work, it helps the other parts grow, so that the whole body is healthy and growing and full of love.
Living as Children of Light
With the Lord’s authority I say this: Live no longer as the Gentiles do, for they are hopelessly confused. Their minds are full of darkness; they wander far from the life God gives because they have closed their minds and hardened their hearts against him. They have no sense of shame. They live for lustful pleasure and eagerly practice every kind of impurity. But that isn’t what you learned about Christ. Since you have heard about Jesus and have learned the truth that comes from him, throw off your old sinful nature and your former way of life, which is corrupted by lust and deception. Instead, let the Spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes. Put on your new nature, created to be like God—truly righteous and holy. So stop telling lies. Let us tell our neighbors the truth, for we are all parts of the same body. And “don’t sin by letting anger control you.” Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry, for anger gives a foothold to the devil. If you are a thief, quit stealing. Instead, use your hands for good hard work, and then give generously to others in need. Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them. And do not bring sorrow to God’s Holy Spirit by the way you live. Remember, he has identified you as his own, guaranteeing that you will be saved on the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.’ Ephesians 4:1-32(NLT)

And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you. (Ephesians 4:32)

One of the greatest dangers to any marriage is unforgiveness. Without the commitment to forgive and wipe the slate clean on a daily basis, a person’s heart becomes hardened and cynical. Think about how a couple can go from being so in love, standing in front of a preacher getting married, to being so bitter, standing in front of a judge going through an angry divorce. How does it happen? One drop of unforgiveness at a time!

According to Ephesians 4, unforgiveness is an open door for the devil. He uses unresolved anger to accuse your spouse to you. Literally, the person you once were so tender and positive toward now becomes the person you are cynical and hardened toward. Unforgiveness destroys intimacy and passion in the relationship. You end up being withdrawn, sarcastic and negative. These are danger signs of a heart hardened by the accumulating effects of unresolved anger and bitterness.

Forgiving a person simply means that you release them from your judgment concerning a wrong they have done to you. It also means you will in no way punish them for wrongs done but will love them as though they had not done them. It doesn’t mean you should not lovingly confront your spouse and talk your problems out. It just means that regardless of your spouse’s response, you are going to make sure your heart remains pure.

The ultimate reason we forgive is that God has forgiven us. He forgave us when we didn’t deserve it and even died on the cross to make our relationship with Him right. Also, Jesus tells us clearly in the gospels that we cannot be forgiven by God if we will not forgive. Even if we think we are justified in our unforgiveness, He offers no exceptions. The penalties for unforgiveness are severe here on earth and in eternity.

Decide to forgive. Don’t let the devil use hurts and problems to infect your heart with his lies. Go before God and do some heart housecleaning if you realize unforgiveness affects you. He will be merciful and gracious to you and once you are finished you will be more like Him.

Talk It Out | Take a few minutes to talk about any issues of unforgiveness between you. It may be something as small as not picking up your dirty socks or forgetting to pay a bill, or it may be a more serious issue. Whatever the case, if one of you became angry with the other, it’s best to talk it out rather than let that anger build. Choose to forgive, and speak words of forgiveness and blessing to each other.

Walk It Out | Commit to praying together each night before you go to sleep. This is a foolproof way to keep unforgiveness and anger from building up between you.

from One: A Marriage Devotional by Jimmy Evans

‘May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to you, O Lord , my rock and my redeemer.’ Psalms 19:14(NLT)

Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in Your sight, O Lord, my strength and my Redeemer. (Psalm 19:14)

Did you know that there’s a big difference between complaining and criticizing? All of us need the freedom to complain to our spouses. We also need to make sure our spouses know they have the right to complain to us. In a healthy marriage, there is a freedom of expression that allows
us to talk openly.

When you complain, you must remember that it isn’t about your spouse; it is about you. Even though you may be complaining about something your spouse has done, the focus is on how you feel. In other words, if Karen has done something that bothers me and I confront her about it I would say something like, “Karen, you were short-tempered with me this morning and it bothered me. I don’t like it when you respond to me that way. If I’ve done something to make you mad, then I want you to tell me.”

Notice that I didn’t begin by accusing or attacking her. I began by talking about how I felt and my desire to understand what happened. I also said that if I had done something wrong, then I wanted to know it and take responsibility for it. Complaining gets everything out on the table without demeaning your spouse or putting him or her on the defensive.

Criticizing is different. Criticizing focuses on the other person as it accuses them and immediately puts them on the defensive. Here is what that same conversation would sound like: “Karen, you were short-tempered with me this morning and I don’t appreciate it. I don’t deserve to be treated like that. The next time you do that, I’m going to let you have it.”

Notice the difference in complaining and criticizing? Complaining explains the problem, but gives your spouse a gracious way to respond and explain his or her side. Because complaining focuses on how you feel and doesn’t try to interpret your spouse’s actions, it keeps the conversation civil and constructive. Criticizing immediately puts you in a battle mode and stirs up a hostile environment.

You must be careful to begin your confrontations with affirmation and respect for your spouse. Get your emotions under control and keep your mouth in check. Focus on how you feel and allow your spouse the right to complain back to you and explain what is going on inside. If you will do this, your confrontations will be much more pleasant and productive, and you will experience more intimacy and a deeper friendship.

Talk It Out | When was the last time you allowed your spouse to complain and you didn’t become defensive or angry? Talk about ways your spouse could approach you with a complaint and the end result be productive.

Walk It Out | This week do something for your spouse that you would do for your best friend. Take her out for coffee, surprise him with an inexpensive gift, or make a phone call in the middle of the day just to say, “I’m thinking of you.”

from One: A Marriage Devotional by Jimmy Evans