Marriage Devotional

‘For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word. He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church. And we are members of his body.’ Ephesians 5:25-30(NLT)

‘In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God’s gift of new life. Treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered.’ 1 Peter 3:7(NLT)

Husbands, when we read Paul’s exhortation that we should love our wives “as Christ also loved the church” (Ephesians 5:25), that should give us pause. Why? Because that’s a standard we can’t attain. That’s why he gave a second directive: “Husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself” (v. 28). Now that we can do. These verses give four characteristics of the kind of love we’re called to provide for our wives.

Sacrificial Love: Developing a sheltering love for your wife begins with recognizing the sacrificial nature of what Jesus did and why He did it: He let Himself be killed so you could have eternal life. If you’re serious about loving your wife like Christ loved the church, you have to be willing to make some sacrifices for her. Maybe you’re thinking, I would take a bullet for her! That’s fantastic, but will you also make all the little day-to-day sacrifices short of that? Will you get into her orbit, find out what she really wants, and then do it, even when it’s not easy?

Sanctifying Love: Jesus’ sacrifice had a deeper purpose behind it: sanctification, the process of learning to live with His Spirit, life, and love guiding us (see vv. 26-27). To sanctify simply means to set something apart to be used for its original purpose. In that sense, a husband is to sanctify his wife by helping her grow and mature, supporting and loving her as she fulfills her role in the relationship.

Secure Love: When you love your wife sacrificially and sanctify her to fulfill her purpose, you give her security. And when your wife feels secure in your love, she will feel good about respecting you, submitting to your leadership, and supporting your decisions. In that same vein, make sure she knows that she is beautiful and special to you. Tell her she is yours and you are hers. It doesn’t matter if she’s managing your household, running a company, or doing both; your love secures her like nothing else the world can offer.

Stable Love: Typically a man puts his best foot forward while he’s dating the woman he loves and then starts coasting once he marries her. But when you neglect romancing, nurturing, and sacrificing for your wife, things fall apart. No sacrifice leads to no sanctification, and that weakens your wife’s sense of security and undermines the stability of your marriage.

Providing a strong, sheltering love for your wife takes time and energy, but it’s worth it. Consistently loving her well will stabilize your relationship, allowing God to work in the two of you to build the oneness He wants in your marriage.

Tip #7: Time is of the essence, so spend a lot of time with your spouse. It’s more valuable than getting that promotion, making another buck, or hanging out with your buddies. Solomon wisely reminded us that there is “a time to love” (Ecclesiastes 3:8). Learn the value of time. Don’t waste it. 

from Keep Calm and Marry On by Skip Heitzig

‘And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything. For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word. He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church. And we are members of his body.’ Ephesians 5:21-30(NLT)

‘Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting for those who belong to the Lord. Husbands, love your wives and never treat them harshly.’ Colossians 3:18-19(NLT)

If you know some basic biblical concepts about marriage, you’ve probably read Ephesians 5. Most people assume that what the apostle Paul had to say on marriage in this chapter begins with verse 22: “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.” And unfortunately, I’ve met a number of men who drop that verse like a hammer on their wives.

But that’s unfair to do relationally because it’s out of context biblically. The idea of submission in Ephesians 5 actually first appears in verse 21, where Paul was speaking to all believers: “Submitting to one another in the fear of God.”

If you’re a guy and you’re thinking, Wait. I’m supposed to submit to my wife? I’m saying, “You’ve got it.” That’s exactly what the text is saying. What does that look like for a husband? In a word: Jesus. As verse 25 says, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her.” There’s no greater act of submission than giving yourself up for another person—than being willing to die for them.

Likewise, wives are called to be subject to their husbands “in everything” (v. 24). By that, Paul meant in everything that is consistent with Christ’s character—in everything that does not go against His Word. Obviously, a husband telling his wife to come barhopping with him or to neglect the kids doesn’t fall in line with God’s Word. But neither does physical or verbal abuse. When a man fails to love his wife as Christ loved the church, she is not required by God to submit to abusive behavior.

The attitude behind the mutual submission of a husband and wife makes all the difference. When a man sees his wife as a daughter of God and realizes he’s going to answer for how he treats her, he will learn to love her sacrificially. When a woman sees her husband as God’s designated leader—answerable to God for his leadership—she’s going to offer him respect and encouragement, even when he misses the mark.

God established mutual submission for the same reason He establishes any boundaries: to protect you as He leads you into a closer relationship with Him and, in this case, with your spouse.

Submission also has a higher purpose. When a wife submits to her husband “as to the Lord” (v. 22) and a husband loves his wife “just as the Lord does the church” (v. 29), their marriage becomes a reflection of their relationship with Jesus—and the church’s relationship with Him, too. Is your marriage in this area of submission pointing people heavenward, to the redemption we have in Jesus?

Tip #6: Broker your responses to your spouse wisely. Husbands, trade neglect for attention: Focus on your wife. Find out what she needs and when she needs it, and give her your attention. Turn your thoughts toward her thoughts and feelings, and work on expressing your own. Wives, trade nagging for grace: Ask yourself, Can I say it kindly? Can I relay the message so that he can hear the grace in my intent? And remember: timing is part of grace. Love him enough to let him be wrong and give him grace when he is 

from Keep Calm and Marry On by Skip Heitzig

‘So God created human beings in his own image. In the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.’ Genesis 1:27(NLT)

‘So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other. Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples.”’ John 13:34-35(NLT)

‘Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other. ‘ Romans 12:10(NLT)

‘Instead, we will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church. ‘ Ephesians 4:15(NLT)

Men and women may be of the same species, but we operate on different wavelengths. Take bathroom items, for example. A typical man has about four: a toothbrush, razor, bar of soap, and an old hotel towel. A woman usually has around 328, and a typical man can identify only about a dozen of them.

A few years back, my wife, Lenya, and I were discussing a book we’d read about the differences between men’s and women’s brains. She didn’t know that men have a “nothing file” in our minds, which we enjoy because it’s empty and separate from all our other files (wife, kids, work, sports, etc.). I found out that all of a woman’s files are interconnected, and if you tweak one, you tweak all of them.

 When Lenya told me, “My new worst fear is that my emotions might get put into your nothing file,” I reassured her, “I’m not going to let it happen.” We’ve learned over the years to embrace our differences, especially when they’re challenging.

Because here’s the deal: when it comes to male and female, different doesn’t mean superior or inferior—just different. Men and women are physiologically and socially different, especially when it comes to things like communication. And because God made us this way—”male and female He created them” (Genesis 1:27)—there’s purpose in the distinctions. More specifically, a husband and wife are to mutually complete and complement each other in their differences, thus maximizing their lives.

The world seems to be caught between two extreme ways of looking at the so-called battle of the sexes: chauvinism and feminism. But Jesus offers a better way. Because of what He did on the cross, men and women can be redeemed and made new, given the ability to walk in the Spirit and love others as Jesus loves them. So whatever you and your spouse’s tendencies are as husband and wife, God wants you to learn to accept and respect each other, extending His grace whenever possible. When your differences inevitably begin to grate on your nerves, let love guide you to a better understanding of each other and of what marriage is all about. And vive la différence!

Tip #5: Talk things out. If the three rules of real estate are location, location, location, then the three most important traits for a successful marriage are communication, communication, communication. Learn early on to be honest and open with each other, “speaking the truth in love” (Ephesians 4:15).

from Keep Calm and Marry On by Skip Heitzig

‘The serpent was the shrewdest of all the wild animals the Lord God had made. One day he asked the woman, “Did God really say you must not eat the fruit from any of the trees in the garden?” “Of course we may eat fruit from the trees in the garden,” the woman replied. “It’s only the fruit from the tree in the middle of the garden that we are not allowed to eat. God said, ‘You must not eat it or even touch it; if you do, you will die.’” “You won’t die!” the serpent replied to the woman. “God knows that your eyes will be opened as soon as you eat it, and you will be like God, knowing both good and evil.” The woman was convinced. She saw that the tree was beautiful and its fruit looked delicious, and she wanted the wisdom it would give her. So she took some of the fruit and ate it. Then she gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it, too. ‘ Genesis 3:1-6(NLT)

‘so that Satan will not outsmart us. For we are familiar with his evil schemes.’ 2 Corinthians 2:11(NLT)

‘And “don’t sin by letting anger control you.” Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry, for anger gives a foothold to the devil.’ Ephesians 4:26-27(NLT)

‘Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.’ Ephesians 4:32(NLT)

You may have left adversity off your guest list for the wedding, but it’ll crash your marriage anyway. There are a number of reasons for that. For one, many couples go into marriage ignorant of or choosing to ignore a simple but profound truth: we are all sinners married to sinners trying to do marriage in a broken world. On top of that, we have an Enemy who hates God and will do all he can to destroy what God calls good—especially marriage.

This Enemy, Satan, has a typical approach to disrupting God’s work in the world, as seen in his temptation of Eve in the garden (see Genesis 3:1-6). This story highlights four of his tactics you and your spouse should be prepared for when the honeymoon ends and everyday life sets in:

Tactic #1: He challenges God’s love. How many times has Satan whispered to a married couple, “God doesn’t want you in this relationship if it’s painful or hard. He wants you to be happy, and the happiest way is out”? The truth is that God is good, sovereign, and loving, which means He both allows and uses the hardships in our lives to grow us in our relationships and shape us more into the image of Christ.

Tactic #2: He challenges God’s Word. If Satan can get you to question the authority of the Bible, he will win. Continuously doubting God’s Word, especially when it comes to His blueprint for marriage—”Why would I listen to such an outdated book?”—will eventually lead you to wonder why you should go to church or spend time with Christian couples. There’s a direct correlation between major marital issues and a couple’s lack of time spent with God reading His Word and praying.

Tactic #3: He substitutes a lie. If Satan can successfully challenge God’s love and dethrone His Word in your life, he’ll then insert his own lie in their place. Shifting God out of His proper position as Lord of your life creates a vacuum that’s easily filled by the false wisdom of the world or your own untrustworthy feelings.

Tactic #4: He employs incessant temptation. Satan is like a woodpecker: he finds a weak spot and keeps coming back to break through to the vulnerable stuff beneath to get you to sin.

The fall is a reality. So is Satan, and so are the struggles every marriage must face. But by being aware of Satan’s devices, anchoring yourself to the bedrock truth of God’s Word, and inviting the Lord into your marriage each and every day, you can experience victory. With God in the equation, you and your spouse are more than equal to the task.

Tip #4: The happiest marriage is the union of two forgiven forgivers. When you know how much you’ve been forgiven by God, you can then extend forgiveness to your spouse on a regular basis. Otherwise, anger and unforgiveness will burn a hole in your heart and eventually explode in some unexpected way. So learn to let it go. Practice saying, “I’m sorry.” And “do not let the sun go down while you are still angry” (Ephesians 4:26, NIV).

from Keep Calm and Marry On by Skip Heitzig

‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ Genesis 2:24(NLT)

‘“Haven’t you read the Scriptures?” Jesus replied. “They record that from the beginning ‘God made them male and female.’” And he said, “‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together.”’ Matthew 19:4-6(NLT)

To follow God’s good plan for your marriage, it’s going to take more than just saying, “I do.” Genesis 2 outlines the original biblical directive for the marriage relationship: “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh” (v. 24). This verse centers on a three-part process for a husband and wife: they must leave, cleave, and weave.

Leave: The idea of leaving your parents when you marry simply means that relationship must be severed to solidify another. The idea is for you to cut the cord of dependence on them while still honoring them, and for them to treat you and your spouse as adults.

Making this break sets the tone for all your other relationships. If you’re reprioritizing such a critical relationship as this, then everything else must also take a back seat to your marriage, including your career, friends, hobbies, habits, pets, and gadgets.

Cleave: Leaving leads to cleaving, a term from the King James translation of the Bible that means to be joined to or united with. The Hebrew word, dabaq, conveys the idea of permanence, like something being glued or even welded together.

When I perform a wedding, I ask the couple to say, “I will” rather than “I do,” and I tell them why: “I do” means “I do right now,” whereas “I will” means “I do now and I will continue to in the future, because our lives from this point on are welded together.”

Saying “I will” also speaks of the practical action that should follow cleaving to each other. A husband promises to be faithful to his wife until death parts them—even if her looks fade or she doesn’t cook or tidy up as much as she used to. Same goes for the woman whose husband’s gut has expanded and hair has thinned; she promises to stay committed to him. Just as God doesn’t take back His gift of salvation when we mess up, we should enter marriage committed to keeping all the promises we make at the altar.

Weave: Genesis 2:24 doesn’t say a husband and wife will be one flesh, but they shall become one flesh. Becoming one flesh means you and your spouse share everything: bodies, possessions, insights, triumphs, and trials. And it’s a process, much like weaving a tapestry. Think of it like this: a strong marriage is held together by thousands of little threads that you weave with your spouse every single day. Will you commit to investing in this process, starting today?

Tip #3: There are a thousand different ways to express love to and surprise your spouse: A phone call in the middle of the day. An unexpected gift. His favorite dessert. Her favorite perfume. Being primped when he comes home. Telling her how great she looks. Doing something fun together you really enjoy, like having a movie night with popcorn or taking a drive through the country. The Bible encourages us not to despise “the day of small things” (Zechariah 4:10). Learn what puts the sparkle in your spouse’s eye and do it. Remember: a marriage that plays together stays together. 

from Keep Calm and Marry On by Skip Heitzig

‘Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him.” So the Lord God formed from the ground all the wild animals and all the birds of the sky. He brought them to the man to see what he would call them, and the man chose a name for each one. He gave names to all the livestock, all the birds of the sky, and all the wild animals. But still there was no helper just right for him. So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep. While the man slept, the Lord God took out one of the man’s ribs and closed up the opening. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib, and he brought her to the man. “At last!” the man exclaimed.’ Genesis 2:18-23(NLT)

‘But God is my helper. The Lord keeps me alive!’ Psalms 54:4(NLT)

‘You cry out, “Why doesn’t the Lord accept my worship?” I’ll tell you why! Because the Lord witnessed the vows you and your wife made when you were young. But you have been unfaithful to her, though she remained your faithful partner, the wife of your marriage vows.’ Malachi 2:14(NLT)

When you and your spouse got married, your singleness became oneness, as Adam recognized so beautifully in Genesis 2. When God brought Eve to him, he responded with a poem that doesn’t sound like much in English but has real merit in its original Hebrew:

This is now bone of my bones

And flesh of my flesh;

She shall be called Woman,

Because she was taken out of Man (v. 23).

It was as if he was saying, “Where have you been all my life?” even as he sensed the answer: she had been part of him, and now they were being reunited.

And Eve was meant to be “a helper comparable to him” (v. 18), as God put it. Now, God wasn’t suggesting that the wedding vows read, “I take you to be my lawfully wedded maid, to wash and to fold from this day forward.” The Hebrew word for helper, ezer, refers to someone who supplies something crucially lacking—a vital missing part. More often than not in the Old Testament, it’s a word that describes God. Furthermore, the woman was to be a comparable helper to the man, his corresponding counterpart, like how the north pole must have a south pole.

Where Adam and Eve had been two people, now they were to be one unit—a covenant team. In the legal sense, a covenant is a binding arrangement that commits two or more parties to perform certain actions. When God calls a man and a woman to get married, they enter into a solemn, formal arrangement whereby they promise to act in certain ways toward each other for mutual benefit. Sounds serious, right? It is. This covenant between husband and wife is key to their new identity in marriage, established by God to reflect the life-giving, joy-filled, promise-keeping relationship He desires with all people.

God’s plan for two to become one was and remains good. The flaw isn’t in His design but our execution; we tend to drift back toward the island of self. But once you’re married, there’s no going back to that island—at least not without a lot of resultant damage. Remind yourself that your spouse is God’s perfect gift to you (and frequently tell your spouse that, too)—not because either of you is perfect but because God is, and His plans for your marriage are good.

Tip #2: Talk up your spouse; be their biggest fan. Wives, it’s so meaningful when you tell your husband that you believe in him and in his ability to do the right thing. Husbands, I’ve found that you can never tell your wife, “I love you” often enough. In fact, there’s magic in those three little words, so make sure both of you say them to each other every day. Be sincere in what you say, but also make sure you say positive things out loud to each other when you think of them. It’s a game changer.

from Keep Calm and Marry On by Skip HeitzigKeep Calm and Marry On by Skip Heitzig

‘Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.’ Ecclesiastes 4:9-12(NLT)

‘Therefore I, a prisoner for serving the Lord, beg you to lead a life worthy of your calling, for you have been called by God. Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love. Make every effort to keep yourselves united in the Spirit, binding yourselves together with peace. ‘ Ephesians 4:1-3(NLT)

‘Hatred stirs up quarrels, but love makes up for all offenses.’ Proverbs 10:12(NLT)

‘Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.’ 1 Corinthians 13:4-7(NLT)

I was miserable on my wedding day. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to get married—I did. But the tuxedo shop had given me shoes two sizes too small. The shoes were a bad fit for my feet, but my wife, Lenya, was the perfect fit for my life, just as God intended.

God established marriage to help individuals escape the island of self—that place into which all of us are born and spend a good chunk of our lives. On our individual islands, personal freedom and pleasure reign supreme.

But at some point, something drives us to escape it. Often it’s a romantic connection. We fall in love, and if it’s with the person with whom we want to share our life, we get married. Many of us then go on a honeymoon—a little adventure to some exotic place where we can enjoy a taste of the good life we anticipate with our new spouse.

Unfortunately, when we return, many of us go back to our islands, our old comfort zones populated by all our old defenses, our old schedule, and our old stuff exactly where we like it. This island is built for one person, so it’s tight quarters trying to share it with someone else. It doesn’t take long—a few post-honeymoon weeks, usually—before the piles of socks and constant demands for conversation have you thinking, I chose to share this?

If you’re like I was as a newlywed, you might be thinking, But we love each other. Surely we get a pass on all the friction that’s supposed to come with marriage. Love covers a multitude of sins, right? Well, while love goes a long way when it comes to pressing through the ups and downs of marriage, it doesn’t change the fact that every person on earth is at some point incompatible with every other person on earth. Marriage brings that truth into sharp focus.

So the challenge is clear: How do you learn to live with this person whom you love and have promised to stick by through thick and thin? It’s a lifelong process that requires you to follow God’s design for your relationship, which begins with you and your spouse leaving your separate islands of self and becoming one.

Tip #1: Accentuate the positive. If you and your spouse focus on each other’s faults, you will destroy your marriage. No one is perfect, but you can accept the imperfections in your spouse. Scripture tells us that “love covers all sins” (Proverbs 10:12) and “keeps no record of wrongs” (1 Corinthians 13:5, NIV). When you focus on the good things about your spouse, the not-so-good things fade away.

from Keep Calm and Marry On by Skip Heitzig