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Infidelity: ZZ

Honesty

‘The Lord detests lying lips, but he delights in those who tell the truth.’ Proverbs 12:22(NLT)

‘Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results. ‘ James 5:16(NLT)

‘Finally, I confessed all my sins to you and stopped trying to hide my guilt. I said to myself, “I will confess my rebellion to the Lord .” And you forgave me! All my guilt is gone. Interlude’ Psalms 32:5(NLT)

Devotional Content: 

If we wrote a list of “essentials” for an Awesome Marriage, honesty would be on that list. Sometimes I think we take honesty for granted. It should be a given in a marriage.  No one stands before their intended spouse, pastor, and a lot of friends and family on their wedding day and says they plan to lie to their spouse “till death do us part.” That would be ridiculous. Yet, how often do the lies begin somewhere down the road of marriage? Unfortunately, more times than we can count. The question is, why?  Why do we step across an invisible line that takes our marriage from one built on trust and complete honesty to one of devastation? No one seems to realize how valuable trust is in a marriage until they lose it and try to build it back.  

We can do a good job of fooling ourselves into thinking that this one little lie is not going to hurt anyone. No one will ever know. The next time that line is a lot easier to cross. Each time we cross it we are digging a bigger grave for our marriage. The first time we cross the line may have nothing to do with infidelity, but the significance of crossing that line just one time is huge. Its effects continue to show up in our marriage after a lot more lies about a lot more things. We have laid a foundation of deceit in our marriage and left the door to infidelity wide open.

The truth is that every lie causes damage. One little lie can wreak havoc in a marriage.  Even if your spouse does not find out, you know, God knows, and you have stepped outside of His plan for your life and for your marriage.  

If you have built a foundation of honesty in your marriage, stand on it with God’s help day after day the rest of your life. If you have broken trust, make a commitment to be totally and completely honest from this day forward to God, to yourself, and to your spouse. It is a big step toward building an Awesome Marriage.

Today’s Challenge:  If an affair has taken place in your marriage, we urge you to seek help in working through it in order to save your marriage. Take time this week to find a counselor, pastor, or trusted friend to help you walk through this and work towards saving your marriage. The wise counsel of a third party can be very helpful. 

Going Deeper:

1. Dr. Kim shares that when an affair has happened it is vital that the offending spouse be honest about what happened. If infidelity has occurred in your marriage, seek help from someone and create a safe place where the offending spouse can be honest about what happened. 

2. When an affair takes place the spouse that was cheated on often wants to know every detail of the affair, but that’s not necessarily the wisest thing. If you have been cheated on ask yourself, “What is beneficial for me to know moving forward? What is fruitful? What details do I need to know so I can trust my spouse again? What details do I not need to know because they would be too hurtful to hear and of no benefit for the relationship?”

3. Dr. Kim shares that if you have trust in your marriage, cherish it. Think of a special way to let your spouse know you are grateful that you can trust them. 

4. If trust has been broken, work as hard as you can to rebuild it. What steps do you need to take this week towards rebuilding the trust in your marriage? 

from Infidelity – Part 2 by Dr. Kim Kimberling

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ZZ

Strong couples rely on community

‘Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results. ‘ James 5:16(NLT)

I deeply miss my friends.

The coronavirus has blessed me with more time than ever with my bride and my daughters (which I adore), but it has left me with less time than ever with my friends (which I abhor). A year ago, my wife and I made a commitment to have dinner with three other couples whose faith and marriages we admire. During those monthly meals, we share lots of laughter (most of it appropriate 🙂 and ask lots of honest questions.

How is your marriage doing? Are you choosing “You First”? How about the issue you brought up last month?

As painful as it can be to admit the truth about the current state of my humility, I treasure those questions. They allow my friends/fellow believers to encourage me, pray for me, and lead me to the cross of my Savior, who died for sinful spouses too. I have experienced the truth of James’ words: “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed” (James 5:16).

Have you experienced that healing too?

If not, reach out to community. Find a couple whom you know and love, one who knows and loves you back. Ask them if you can be honest about the ups and downs of your relationship. Trust me, they will understand. As perfect as they might seem, every couple struggles, even in the church (it’s a hospital for sinners, after all). Be real with them, and ask for their prayers and their advice.

God would love to help you and heal you. According to James, he will most likely do it through them. Not through some Holy Spirit fire descending from heaven, but through the loving response of those who’ve heard your confession of sins.

The enemy would love for that not to happen. He hates spiritual healing. He despises couples who put each other first because they know the Jesus who put them first on the cross. He would adore it if you would just finish this reading plan, check that final box, and keep doing life alone.

So let’s frustrate the devil today and live in community. The Christian faith is not about impressing others with our strength but about relying on others in our weakness.

Because those “others” know exactly where to lead us. Back to Jesus. Back to the cross. Back to the love that never fails.

I pray that this encouragement, and all the ones that came before it, allow you and your family to survive the coronavirus. In fact, I am praying today that you do more than survive.

I pray that you thrive. In Jesus’ name.

from The Corona Survival Guide for Couples by Mike Novotny

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ZZ

The Ten Commandments of communication

‘The tongue can bring death or life; those who love to talk will reap the consequences.’ Proverbs 18:21(NLT)

‘What is causing the quarrels and fights among you? Don’t they come from the evil desires at war within you? You want what you don’t have, so you scheme and kill to get it. You are jealous of what others have, but you can’t get it, so you fight and wage war to take it away from them. Yet you don’t have what you want because you don’t ask God for it. ‘ James 4:1-2(NLT)

‘“You must not testify falsely against your neighbor.’ Exodus 20:16(NLT)

‘Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud ‘ 1 Corinthians 13:4(NLT)

‘Too much talk leads to sin. Be sensible and keep your mouth shut.’ Proverbs 10:19(NLT)

‘Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too.’ Philippians 2:3-4(NLT)

‘Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith. Because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God’s throne. ‘ Hebrews 12:1-2(NLT)

“Pastor, after six years of marriage, I need a reminder of the Ten Commandments of Communication. That might keep us from attacking each other.”

“Pastor, maybe sometime you can go over communication rules with my husband and me. I think that would be good for us.”

Those two messages showed up on my phone just one day apart. I wasn’t surprised.

As the coronavirus continues to affect our lives, our communication skills become even more critical. Increased pressure and heightened stress put the Christian quality of our words to the test.

I think that’s why these wise Christians reached out for help. They wanted to get back to the basics, to push “reset” on their conversational patterns so that their words would speak life and not death.

“The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit” (Proverbs 18:21).

Could you use that help too? Whether you’re hoping to lovingly communicate with your spouse, your kids, or the people on the other side of the screen, these Ten Commandments of Communication are a great place to start. I encourage you to read them over, pray about each one, and then prioritize one or two that you would like to work on this week. 

May God draw you closer together as you do!

  1. You shall not try to “win.”—Our natural/sinful reaction to any argument is to win at all costs. Therefore, mentally remind yourself that this conversation is about loving, not winning. “What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight” (James 4:1,2).
  2. You shall never say, “Never.”—In our desire to win an argument, we often lie. How so? We use words like always and never. “You always say that!” “You never think about what I do.” “You always bring that up!” Unfortunately, these are blatant exaggerations that only make the other person defensive (Exodus 20:16).
  3. You shall not interrupt.—When we want to win an argument, we feel the need to interrupt each other. We want to negate the other person’s point by jumping in with our version of the truth. But love is patient and is willing to wait (1 Corinthians 13:4).
  4. You shall pick your battles.—Sharing every single thing that bothers you is the quickest way to become a constant critic and a nag. Cast all your troubles on God but choose which troubles to share with your spouse. “Sin is not ended by multiplying words” (Proverbs 10:19).
  5. You shall resist OCD (Obsessive Comparison Disorder).—When we are criticized, our hearts obsessively compare our behavior to our spouse’s. Is he serving me? Is she always grateful for what I do? Why doesn’t he remember the stuff that I do right? Did she forget the time that I . . . ? Sadly, OCD is a guaranteed way to continue the crazy cycle, miss your spouse’s point, and make your marriage worse. Instead, listen, empathize, and ask, “What can I do to help?” (Philippians 2:3,4).
  6. You shall stick to the subject.—Our hearts hate being called out. Therefore, they desperately search for any other subject to redirect the conversation (“Well, you’re not so perfect either!” “You bring this up after the day I had?”). There might be times to address other issues, but this is not one of them. Focus on the subject that’s troubling your spouse, and you both will be happier faster.
  7. You shall not text (or watch the game or play video games or scroll on your phone . . .) and talk.—Love gives its full attention to another. Since no one likes being half listened to, God wants us to give our full attention to our spouse. Consider saying, “Let me finish up this text, and then I’ll give you my full attention.”
  8. You shall repeat thy spouse’s point.—When we want to win an argument, we are waiting for a pause so we can jump in and throw a few verbal punches. Don’t! Instead, make sure to repeat, in your own words, the point that was just made. Don’t add your opinion. Don’t agree or disagree. Just prove that you were listening and you understand exactly what your spouse is feeling. 
  9. You shall admit thy sins.—In order to “win,” we have to justify our wrongs. “I exaggerated because you . . . I interrupted because what you said wasn’t true . . .” etc. But that only fuels a crazy cycle of hurting each other. Instead, admit, with no strings attached, your sins. You’ll be surprised how often your confession prompts theirs. And even if it doesn’t, it’s the righteous thing to do.
  10. You shall argue at the foot of the cross.—Bringing Jesus’ love into any conversation changes everything. Look up and see the Savior who speaks patiently and graciously to you at your worst moments. Then look out at your spouse. That will give you the humility to speak as a fellow sinner, instead of a holier-than-thou saint (Hebrews 12:1,2).

from The Corona Survival Guide for Couples by Mike Novotny

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“You First!” makes us blessed

‘Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too.’ Philippians 2:3-4(NLT)

‘Dear friends, since God loved us that much, we surely ought to love each other. ‘ 1 John 4:11(NLT)

A few years ago, I grabbed a fat black marker and decided to “decorate” the two white throw pillows on our bed.

(I probably should have checked with my wife before unleashing my D+ artistic skills . . .)

On one pillow I inked “You” and on the other “First.” I wanted our bedroom, a symbol of our life together as a couple, to have that message front and center—You First.

After 16 years of marriage, God has taught me (often the hard way) that “You First!” makes us blessed while “Me First!” makes a mess. Whenever I get caught up in too much me—my wants, my preferences, my opinion, my plans, my schedule, my timing—our marriage is a mess. But when I put my wife first, we both end up so blessed.

That wisdom is vital as we all try to make it through the coronavirus.

Because corona has presented us with all kinds of new things to disagree about. What precautions should we take with self-isolation? Should we gather with a few family members for a birthday? Who gets to work where in the house and when and for how long? How clean should we keep the place when we’re in it 24/7? Who has to help the kids with their schoolwork while taking care of their own work? How often will we be intimate given the stress we’re dealing with? When do we all put the screens away and just talk? And who will cook this never-ending, God-help-me-make-it! string of meals?

You been there?

Every difference of opinion is a slow pitch for you to either (1) make a mess or (2) make you blessed. 

Listen to God’s guidance: “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others” (Philippians 2:3,4). 

I know that can be hard. The selfish part of our hearts can always find a reason or two (or 128) why “me” should come first this time. But God wants the long-term blessing that comes out of short-term sacrifice. So he calls us to choose and live a “You First!” life.

But don’t worry—you have Jesus to help you. Immediately after these challenging words, we hear about the Savior who put us first. Read Philippians 2:5-10 for proof. Despite being in very nature God, Jesus humbled himself and became our servant. He loved lowly people like you, took time for insignificant people like me, and eventually hung on a cross to put us first.

And that makes us so blessed!

Because Jesus put us first, we have God with us wherever we hunker down. We have his wonderfully stubborn love that refuses to let us go, even when we have to keep our distance from one another. In the room where you are (I’m talking to you, child of God!), there is the very God who created the universe! He’s that close! That glorious God is with you!

Because Jesus put you first.

How can we ever thank God for love like that? Here’s one suggestion: “Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another” (1 John 4:11).

How blessed you both will be when you fix your eyes on Jesus and then say to your significant other, “You First!”

from The Corona Survival Guide for Couples by Mike Novotny

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ZZ

How can I help?

‘Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him.” ‘ Genesis 2:18(NLT)

“Booze sales are booming!” the internet headline reported.

“Did you see the report on porn use during the pandemic?” a friend texted.

Why do you think so many people, even Christian people, are turning to short-term pleasure during the coronavirus? Besides drunkenness and sexual immorality, many of us are tempted to cross moral lines with online spending, gambling, gaming, and eating. Why might you? Why might your significant other?

According to many experts, addicts are likely to relapse when they’re hungry, angry, lonely, tired, and/or bored (HALTB, as some describe it). I have a hunch that acronym applies to all of us as Christians.

And the coronavirus has created a uniquely tempting time. Many of us are angry about all the uncertainty in our lives. Social distancing has made us lonely while solving work/church/family problems through a buffering video feed that has left us tired. We have played more board games than ever, yet our brains are bored.

No wonder sin seems so appealing.

But this is one of the wonderful blessings of marriage. Right by our side, under our very roof, is a companion. A fellow human who (1) can totally relate and (2) cares about us deeply. As God originally put it, “The Lord God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him’” (Genesis 2:18).

This is one of our greatest callings—to help the one we are with. 

Unlike God, our significant other is not all-powerful. They are weak, frail, and easily tempted. They feel the weight of situations they can’t control and the anxiety of problems they can’t solve. That is why they need so much help, both from God and from us.

So let me offer two encouragements today:

First, ask honest, specific, and safe questions of your significant other. “How are you doing today? Really?” “Lots of people are struggling with this and are turning to alcohol or food or porn. How has that been for you?” Whatever their answer, don’t get angry. (Angry people aren’t good helpers.) Remember that your spouse is a fellow human, perhaps even a fellow brother or sister in Christ, and they need your help. So offer to help. Ask them how their soul is holding up under all this pressure.

Second, offer to pray. You can’t snap your fingers and fix all their problems, but you can talk to the One who can. Tell them that you will pray specifically for their struggle. Write down their request and promise to pray over it during the upcoming day. Put it on a sticky note and stick it to the bathroom mirror so you both see it. Even better, offer to pray right then and there. Thank God for his mercy at the cross. Beg God for a spirit of self-control.

That will help. And this is what we are for one another—helpers.

Especially during a time like this.

from The Corona Survival Guide for Couples by Mike Novotny

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The #1 thing for couples to do

‘Take delight in the Lord , and he will give you your heart’s desires.’ Psalms 37:4(NLT)

‘Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.’ Matthew 6:33(NLT)

Healthy relationships were already hard enough.

Creating and maintaining a you-first, quick-to-listen, how-can-I-help relationship took effort and energy like few other things in our lives. For many of us, the daily choice to love our significant other like Jesus loves us was one of the hardest/most beautiful choices we had learned to make.

And then the coronavirus hit.

In just weeks, what already was hard got harder. Couples were squeezed into small spaces, breathing the same air a bit too often. Gone was the high speed internet of the office, replaced by the plodding pace of our homes’ Wi-Fi, which spun in nauseating circles as she Zoomed with her coworkers and he tried to upload a work video to Google Drive. New questions filled our home-sweet-homes: Who gets to use the comfortable chair for their “office”? Who has to be quiet for whose video chats? Which parent has the responsibility to read all the emails about sixth-grade virtual learning? What does sex look like in a world where the kids can’t leave the house (and we fear the germs carried home on the bodies of essential workers)?

I could go on.

If you’re in a relationship, this is a scary new world. There are new questions, new conversations, and new challenges to work through.

Which is exactly why I wrote these devotions. My hope is that the next few days are a spiritual crash course so you and your ________ (fill in their pet name here) will not just survive the coronavirus but thrive in the midst of it.

So here’s my first encouragement—Seek God.

Back in 2003, in the days when corona was just a beer, I stood before the altar with my bride as our pastor painted a simple yet profound picture of a healthy marriage. He said something like, “Imagine a triangle with God at the top and you two down at the lower points. As each of you personally gets closer to God [his fingers followed the angled lines toward the top of his imaginary triangle], guess what happens to you? You get closer to each other. Closeness to him brings closeness for you.”

Brilliant. And experience has taught me that he was so right.

The closer you and I get to God, the more grace transforms our lives. When we seek him in his Word, we find out that our God is loving, gracious, forgiving, kind, patient, holy, humble, good, and glorious. Through quiet times with chapter and verse, we become thrillingly convinced that we are adored by our Father, made pure by our Savior, and filled with his Spirit. Day by day, God becomes enough for us, satisfying our souls and freeing us from the ugly need to get what we want, when we want it.

King David once wrote, “Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart” (Psalm 37:4).

And that, it turns out, is what makes marriage good. Especially in seasons like this.

We will dig into this idea in the days to come, but for now, let me encourage you with my pastor’s advice and David’s inspired words—Seek God. Delight in him. Meditate on who Jesus is and what Jesus has done. Schedule and prioritize time away from the to-do list in order to move one step closer to your Father’s heart.

I know that your world has been shaken up. Old routines were infected and now lay on life support. You are probably scrambling just to get through the day. But when you seek God first, you find out that your heart already has what it needs. Through faith in Jesus, you need to be saved—and you are. You need to be loved—and you are. You need forgiveness for your sins—and there is. You need there to be a plan—and there is. You need hope that things will work out—and they will. You need supernatural power to check all the boxes that God has on his to-do list for you—and you have it.

That’s why I am so grateful that you are reading these words. It means that, even in the midst of the madness, you care about your connection with God. Keep reading. Keep delighting in his promises.

Jesus once said, “But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well” (Matthew 6:33).

Because seeking the God of love leads to love. Love for Jesus. Love for one another.

And that is what we need to thrive.

from The Corona Survival Guide for Couples by Mike Novotny

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Dating Devotion for Men Devotion for Women ZZ

Resolved

‘“So if you are presenting a sacrifice at the altar in the Temple and you suddenly remember that someone has something against you, leave your sacrifice there at the altar. Go and be reconciled to that person. Then come and offer your sacrifice to God.’ Matthew 5:23-24(NLT)

None of us like conflict but in the world of relationships, conflict is unavoidable. Our uniqueness guarantees it. We each have individual temperaments, personalities, upbringings, experiences, gifts, abilities and passions in life. Those differences give color to life and enrich our relationships, but are also what create the potential for conflict.

We don’t, therefore, aspire to never have conflict, but to manage it when it occurs. The big decision we have is not to ignore it, because ignoring conflict is a dangerous weed in any relationship soil.

How we handle conflict makes a statement about how much the relationship means to us. And if it really matters, we will be resolute about resolving it.

We also have to remember that relationships are enhanced through conflict. By working through our differences we deepen our understanding and appreciation of each other. It is a totally positive, relationship building exercise if approached properly.

Conflict resolution is a life-skill to learn and apply like a feed to the soil of your relationships. Its elements include:

Recognizing your differences. Take account of your differing personalities, approach to life and backgrounds. Affirm one another as unique expressions of God’s creative love.

Being prepared to change. The Bible says, “A man who refuses to admit his mistakes can never be successful. But if he confesses and forsakes them, he gets another chance.” (Proverbs 28:13 TLB)

Listening before you speak. Listen to one another intently. As the Bible says, “Be quick to listen and slow to speak” (James 1:19). Listen to the attitude, motivation and heart behind the words.

Laughing at yourself. Maintain a sense of humor. Don’t take yourself too seriously. Humor relieves the tension.

Being honest. Express your genuine views, heartfelt opinions and real expectations. Be honest about the good and the bad.

Speaking the truth in love. Then when you do speak, be sure your words are constructive. As God’s word exhorts us, “Speak the truth in love” (Ephesians 4:15). Be honest, yet loving to the core.

Facing the issue together. Most conflict resolutions require both parties to contribute to the solution. You must therefore face the issue together. It is not your problem, it is our problem. Tackle it together and it will strengthen your relationship.

Re-centering your relationship. Finally, step back and set the issue in its bigger context. Re-center your relationship as Christ-followers and recommit to doing things God’s way.

Let today’s devotional provoke you to take the first step towards resolving any outstanding conflict today.

from Rooting Out Relationship Killers by Stephen Matthew

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Dating Devotion for Men Devotion for Women ZZ

Supported

‘Don’t befriend angry people or associate with hot-tempered people, or you will learn to be like them and endanger your soul.’ Proverbs 22:24-25(NLT)

Complementary planting is fascinating. Simply put, some plants benefit from having certain other plants next to them. People who grow the best tomatoes grow French marigolds alongside them, because the scent of the marigolds repels certain insects, acting as a natural form of pest control.

It’s the same with relationships. The people we grow alongside have a direct effect on our healthy growth, so we need to be doing some conscious “complementary planting” in our relational world.

Some people are good company and positively enrich our relational world, whilst others are bad company and hinder our relational development. The Bible is clear: bad company does corrupt good character (Corinthians 15:33) and iron does sharpen iron (Proverbs 27:17). As you will read today, if you spend time with an angry person, you will become like them (Proverbs 22:24-25). The company we keep is, therefore, like the host of other plants in the soil of our relationships. Some will do us good, others harm.

Bad company is a weed that if left unchecked will grow and seriously hinder your relationship development with others. Whereas good company is a positive feed, so needs to be encouraged as a form of complementary planting in the garden of your relationships.

Please note, I am dealing here with good and bad “company” not good and bad “people”. The fact is, good people can be bad company. People who are essentially good, God-loving, friendly, positive and helpful can actually be bad company in a specific situation.

You can be in a specific relationship – business, marriage, church, friendship or family – and an essentially good person can have a negative effect upon it. The good person is bad company. They are like a weed in the soil of that particular relationship, whereas others are like an enriching feed

This principle is about being discerning not judgmental. For example:

Your best, still-single buddy has little to offer when you need advice about how to navigate the challenges of early-married life.

The sole trader plumber has no concept of the challenges faced by the CEO of a manufacturing company employing 3000 people, so has limited wisdom to offer.

Parents navigating the teenage years are unlikely to be helped by lifelong friends who have never had children themselves.

So, if you spot a relationship suffering because of a person’s inappropriate influence, deal with it in love and do some complementary planting by reaching out to others who are ideally placed to stand alongside you in the current season.

Make a deliberate decision to be with people whose words and attitudes draw you closer to each other and the vision you have for your relationship. Find company that is good for the relationship and nourishes it’s health. Do things with them, cheer each other on and be there for each other in the tough times.

Get busy doing some complementary planting because, by so doing, you are proactively feeding your relationships and ensuring their healthy growth.

from Rooting Out Relationship Killers by Stephen Matthew

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Dating Devotion for Men Devotion for Women ZZ

Trustworthy

‘Darius the Mede decided to divide the kingdom into 120 provinces, and he appointed a high officer to rule over each province. The king also chose Daniel and two others as administrators to supervise the high officers and protect the king’s interests. Daniel soon proved himself more capable than all the other administrators and high officers. Because of Daniel’s great ability, the king made plans to place him over the entire empire. Then the other administrators and high officers began searching for some fault in the way Daniel was handling government affairs, but they couldn’t find anything to criticize or condemn. He was faithful, always responsible, and completely trustworthy. ‘ Daniel 6:1-4(NLT)

Trust is relationship glue. The depth and strength of a relationship is inextricably linked to the trust between the people in it. As trust builds, so does the relationship. As trust declines, so does the relationship.

That’s why Jesus modeled transparent honesty in all his relationships and encouraged us to do the same by letting “our yes be yes and our no be no” (Matthew 5:37).

We enter every relationship with a measure of mistrust but gradually, as we get to know each other better, mistrust is replaced by trust and it establishes itself at a level appropriate for the relationship. Trust can take a long time to build, especially if we have been let down by people before. We must, therefore, be ruthless with the smallest weed of mistrust that pops up in our relationship soil.

Every small lie, little deception or half-truth is a little weed of mistrust. And their roots quickly spread and become more entangled if allowed them to continue unchecked. So root them out!

The weed of mistrust has only one remedy: the feed called “being trustworthy”. And that can take a long time. So we sometimes reach for other much-needed relationship feeds to tackle it, but without success. None are able to deal with the weed of mistrust like being trustworthy. Let me explain…

It is not a “promise” issue. The answer to mistrust is not found in promising, “I will never to do it again” or “You can trust me from now on.” The only answer is to BE trustworthy over a protracted period of time. Words are meaningless when trust is eroded. The fact is, what was lost in a series of half-truths, lies or deception always takes much longer to repair than it took to cause the damage.

It is not a “love” issue. It is no good saying, “If you really loved me you would trust me again.” That will never remove the weed of mistrust. We all love people we do not trust – like our children for example! We love them, but don’t always trust their judgment or ability to handle certain tasks etc. It is, in fact, foolish to trust a person who does not deserve to be trusted. You can still love your partner, but not trust them in certain things. Only as they demonstrate trustworthiness over time will that be recovered.

It is not a “forgiveness” issue. “If you had really forgiven me, you would trust me again,” many a guilty party has protested. But this is also faulty thinking. Forgiveness does not immediately take the relationship back to where it once was. A willingness to forgive is crucial to the health of any relationship. But just as you can love someone and still not completely trust them, so you can forgive a person and not trust them. And again, it would be folly to do so. The only true remedy for mistrust is to BE trustworthy.

Like Daniel in today’s reading, get yourself a reputation for being totally trustworthy and the weed of mistrust will never choke your relationship soil again.

from Rooting Out Relationship Killers by Stephen Matthew

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Dating Devotion for Men Devotion for Women ZZ

Keep Talking

‘Because I love Zion, I will not keep still. Because my heart yearns for Jerusalem, I cannot remain silent. I will not stop praying for her until her righteousness shines like the dawn, and her salvation blazes like a burning torch. The nations will see your righteousness. World leaders will be blinded by your glory. And you will be given a new name by the Lord ’s own mouth. The Lord will hold you in his hand for all to see— a splendid crown in the hand of God. Never again will you be called “The Forsaken City” or “The Desolate Land.” Your new name will be “The City of God’s Delight” and “The Bride of God,” for the Lord delights in you and will claim you as his bride. Your children will commit themselves to you, O Jerusalem, just as a young man commits himself to his bride. Then God will rejoice over you as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride. O Jerusalem, I have posted watchmen on your walls; they will pray day and night, continually. Take no rest, all you who pray to the Lord . Give the Lord no rest until he completes his work, until he makes Jerusalem the pride of the earth.’ Isaiah 62:1-7(NLT)

Silence is the lowest form of communication.

Some would say that to call silence communication is a contradiction in terms. But we all know that in a relationship context, the silence is usually saying something. You know how it goes. The silence is screaming at you, “There is something wrong,” so you ask, “What’s wrong?” only to be told, “Nothing!”

What comes next is where the relationship weed of silence begins to kill the relationship. In the void created by the silence, conspiracy theories are incubated, fear takes root and insecurities deepen. You think you know what’s wrong, but you may not be right and in the silence, your wrong conclusions fester, grow and slowly choke the relationship. That’s why we must never let the weed of silence take root in our relationship soil.

Good communication is a relationship feed that must be added consistently to the soil of your relationships. Communication is the “process of sharing information with another person in such a way that they understand what you are saying”. That process involves speaking, listening, body language, expressions and touch, but always with the aim of being properly understood.

It has been observed that when people communicate there are at least six messages that come through. There is:

1. What you mean to say

2. What you actually say

3. What the other person hears

4. What the other person thinks they hear

5. What the other person says about what you said

6. What you think the other person said about what you said

No wonder we misunderstand each other sometimes! But this shows just how important it is that we work on our communication to ensure it is clear.

To this, add the fact that some of us have simply never learned how to talk or open up to other people. Others are fearful of exposing what they think or feel for fear of being hurt or rejected. Some even have such a low self-image that they don’t believe they have anything to offer, so stay silent.

All this takes work to overcome – the work of feeding your relationship soil with the wonderful nutrient of good communication. Ultimately, your relationship will only ever be as deep as your willingness to communicate with absolute openness.

So, ensure your communication is:

CLEAR: Use clear language; ask questions to clarify things and allow time for each other to process the words spoken. Never use hints, as they are easily misunderstood or missed altogether. Say what you mean and work hard to say it in the way you want it to be received.

CONTROLLED: You will never communicate properly when emotions are out of control. So pick your moment. Create space to talk when you are calm, there is time to explain things properly and when things have less chance of coming across wrongly.

CONSTRUCTIVE: Communicate positively by focusing on the good things about the other person. Don’t focus on the negative qualities but be constructive, even if you are dealing with a negative situation. Your tongue has “the power of life or death” according to Proverbs 18:21, so use it to bring life to your relationships.

Be bold and declare like Isaiah in our reading, “I will not be silent!”

from Rooting Out Relationship Killers by Stephen Matthew