Marriage Devotional

‘“Why are you so angry?” the Lord asked Cain. “Why do you look so dejected? You will be accepted if you do what is right. But if you refuse to do what is right, then watch out! Sin is crouching at the door, eager to control you. But you must subdue it and be its master.”’ Genesis 4:6-7(NLT)

‘The second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself. No other commandment is greater than these.”’ Mark 12:31(NLT)

‘Let the message about Christ, in all its richness, fill your lives. Teach and counsel each other with all the wisdom he gives. Sing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs to God with thankful hearts. ‘ Colossians 3:16(NLT)

‘No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.’ Romans 8:39(NLT)

Let’s go back to the story of Cain and Abel. Cain withheld from God. However, God’s response was quite amazing.

In verse Genesis 4:6, “Then the Lord said to Cain, ‘Why are you angry?’ Why is your face downcast? If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must rule over it.”

This is such a fantastic response. God doesn’t blast Cain for withholding but extends grace to him by saying, “If you do what is right, will you not be accepted?” Basically, God was saying, “you know what’s right, so here’s a second chance.”

This highlights that Cain had a choice. Withholding is a choice, and to stay withholding is a choice as well. Another interesting thought about God’s response is, Cain could have overcome this sin. Cain didn’t have Christ’s death and resurrection or the Holy Spirit, but he did have the power not to participate in the sin of withholding.

God’s response to us is to give us another chance, a do-over if you will. He wants us to do what is right. We, as believers, know in the deepest core of our hearts that to love God and to love others is the foundation of our faith and is the direct will of God.

If we are participating at any level in the sin of withholding, be it with God, our spouse, family, friends, or strangers, we can choose to do the right thing, to love. This may include having boundaries, being wise, and even getting help with a situation or person. It means we, as Christians, do not have to close our hearts down to anyone, ever.

I hope this teaching on the Sin of Withholding has opened your eyes to something that can be often harmful but unseen. If this resonates with you in any way, check out www.intimacyanorexia.com for more resources. May we all begin to love as Christ loved us.

“Neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Romans 8:3).

from Sin of Withholding by Dr. Doug Weiss

‘Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever. ‘ Hebrews 13:8(NLT)

‘“But the master replied, ‘You wicked and lazy servant! If you knew I harvested crops I didn’t plant and gathered crops I didn’t cultivate, ‘ Matthew 25:26(NLT)

‘Then the king called in the man he had forgiven and said, ‘You evil servant! I forgave you that tremendous debt because you pleaded with me. ‘ Matthew 18:32(NLT)

‘Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.’ Ephesians 3:17-19(NLT)

I think it is important to cover Jesus’s reactions to the stories previously mentioned as it relates to those who withhold. Amazingly, through these stories of withholding, Jesus reacts exactly the same way. We know our God is the same yesterday, today, and forever (Hebrews 13:8).

In the story of the talents in Matthew 25, the master reacts to the givers in a very positive manner, but let’s look at how he responds to the withholder in the story. Remember, the withholder started by blaming the good master, who trusted him, for his withholding behavior. In verse 26, “His master replied, ‘You wicked, lazy servant!” This is very interesting to me that the master calls withholding wicked and lazy.

When someone intentionally withholds love, they are actually engaging in a form of wickedness. As believers, this is something we must not do. When we pull away and put our heart in the proverbial hole, we change how we think, feel, and behave. This behavior can morph into what the scripture calls wicked.

Let’s look at the second parable we discussed earlier; the parable of the servant forgiving much. 

In Matthew 18:32, “Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to.” Again, we see that Jesus used the same exact term, wickedness. Jesus rarely used this term. A withholder is participating in thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors contrary to God’s heart, which is to love each other as Christ loves us.

I have seen thousands of withholders heal, and begin to open their heart to their spouses, families, and also to God. God’s love is so vastly deep if we will simply receive it. Even Jesus was withheld love as he was tried in courts and crucified. Yet he chose to say, “Father, forgive them.” He decided not to withhold. By the grace of God, this is a decision we can all make to empower us to overcome any areas of sin that are in our hearts and lives.

from Sin of Withholding by Dr. Doug Weiss

‘For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word. He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church. And we are members of his body. As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.” This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.’ Ephesians 5:25-33(NLT)

‘Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.’ 1 Corinthians 13:4-7(NLT)

‘Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins. ‘ 1 Peter 4:8(NLT)

In Ephesians 5:25-28 Paul gives Christians the antidote to any withholding pattern that can creep up in a Christian marriage. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 

After he tells men to love their wives like Christ loves the church, he says something very interesting in verse 29, “After all, no one ever hated his own body, but they feed and care for their body…” I find this a very interesting scripture. Paul suggests that taking care of a spouse is like feeding and caring for your body.

Factually, let’s go through feeding and caring for your physical body. You work for food, then shop for it, then cook it, and then eat it. On average, it would be safe to say we spend around two hours a day just feeding our body and about a half hour to an hour a day just to wash our body. Another step in caring for your body is sleep. For most of us, sleep is an eight-hour investment. You can see that caring for yourself on a daily basis is time-consuming and is factually committing many hours of your day to self-care. At a very core level, you fully accept with gratitude the DAILY maintenance of your body. 

In the same way, we should have a great and thankful attitude for the work it takes to maintain an “all in” marriage on a daily basis. We should pray together, share our feelings, and praise each other daily. We should create and maintain a system where dating and connecting romantically are a high priority and make every effort to make wise parenting and financial decisions. This shouldn’t be a chore, but rather one of our greatest blessings in life.

Those who are withholders have real challenges in their marriages, as do the spouses they inflict withholding upon. Marriage is the one constant relationship where you publicly declare to love, honor, and cherish the other person. If you are married, practicing the sin of withholding creates all kinds of pain and trauma.

The term intimacy anorexia is what I call withholding in marriage. Intimacy anorexia is the active withholding of spiritual, emotional, and physical intimacy. Intimacy anorexics will have some of common characteristics. They will often blame and be too busy for their spouse. They will regularly withhold love and praise and will avoid sharing their emotions. 

Withholding spiritually is withholding spiritual connectedness from your spouse. Regardless of the rationalization, there is an absence of spiritual connecting between the intimacy anorexic and their spouse. It is also common for anorexics to avoid giving all of themselves to their spouse physically. Often, the anorexic can use anger or silence toward their spouse and the spouse will feel more like a roommate than a spouse. 

Marriage is the only relationship that, by definition, demands emotional, spiritual, and sexual intimacy on an exclusive, committed basis over a prolonged period of time, or as the vow goes, “till death do us part.”

If we are withholding or being withheld from there is hope to heal. God doesn’t expose withholding except for one reason: to heal it. You will need support and more information on intimacy anorexia to help heal from the sin of withholding in your marriage.

This silent sin of withholding has many casualties, much like pornography, workaholism, or other major issues in marriage. Being able to see withholding as sin that our Lord Jesus Christ has already died for gives us hope. Christ desires us to have an “all in” marriage.

from Sin of Withholding by Dr. Doug Weiss

‘“Therefore, the Kingdom of Heaven can be compared to a king who decided to bring his accounts up to date with servants who had borrowed money from him. In the process, one of his debtors was brought in who owed him millions of dollars. He couldn’t pay, so his master ordered that he be sold—along with his wife, his children, and everything he owned—to pay the debt.’ Matthew 18:23-25(NLT)

‘Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.’ Ephesians 4:31-32(NLT)

‘But when you are praying, first forgive anyone you are holding a grudge against, so that your Father in heaven will forgive your sins, too.”’ Mark 11:25(NLT)

‘Love prospers when a fault is forgiven, but dwelling on it separates close friends.’ Proverbs 17:9(NLT)

Jesus loved to tell stories. I want to share a familiar story with you, and focus on the sin of withholding and how a withholder sees people as objects, not souls.

Matthew 18:23-27: Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand bags of gold was brought to him. Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt.

“At this the servant fell on his knees before him. ‘Be patient with me,’ he begged, ‘and I will pay back everything.’ The servant’s master took pity on him, canceled the debt, and let him go.

This king valued his servant’s soul and their relationship and freed the servant from his debt. Now, we can all agree that this would be a great day for anyone of us.

Verse 28 says: But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred silver coins. He grabbed him and began to choke him. ‘Pay back what you owe me!’ he demanded.  “His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay it back.’

“But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. When the other servants saw what had happened, they were outraged and went and told their master everything that had happened.

It is clear here that this forgiven man did not value the relationship or the soul of this man. In my experience with withholders, they tend to operate on giving little to no grace. 

The pattern of a withholder is to impact and punish another person. Often treating others as if they have no value and are continually creating strategies for punishment for others. The withholder will activate these strategies without any thought that there would be any consequences for their behaviors.

If you’re in a relationship with a withholder, you will feel like you have little to no value and that you are being punished or pushed aside. Interestingly enough, it doesn’t matter how much forgiveness the withholder has received. The grace given to the withholder doesn’t flow toward others, rather judgement and consequences for those they are withholding from.

In verse 32, “Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’ In anger his master handed him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.

This man, like the servant in the talent story in Matthew 25, lost the privilege to live at his house, lost his relationships with others, and had severe consequences for withholding forgiveness toward another. There will always be consequences for withholding, not only for the withholder but for the one that is being withheld from. 

Jesus ends this story with a stern warning for believers in verse 35, “This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart.”

Jesus shared this story of withholding, because withholding not only affects our hearts and earthly relationships, but it can also impact our relationship with God. He died to forgive us and welcome us back into a loving relationship and he doesn’t want to withhold any good thing from his children. 

If there is anyone you need to forgive, I encourage you to wholeheartedly forgive, so that you may experience true freedom and be able to love all others.

from Sin of Withholding by Dr. Doug Weiss