Marriage Devotional

‘The Lord is for me, so I will have no fear. What can mere people do to me?’ Psalms 118:6(NLT)

‘“If my misery could be weighed and my troubles be put on the scales, they would outweigh all the sands of the sea. That is why I spoke impulsively.’ Job 6:2-3(NLT)

‘Give, and you will receive. Your gift will return to you in full—pressed down, shaken together to make room for more, running over, and poured into your lap. The amount you give will determine the amount you get back.”’ Luke 6:38(NLT)

Scripture: Psalm 118:6; Job 6:2–3; Luke 6:38

When painful circumstances enter our marriages, we often struggle with questions: 

o Why would a loving God allow such a terrible thing to happen to us when we’ve tried to be faithful to him? 

o Why does God allow suffering to come to some couples but not others? 

o How can what’s happened to our family work out for our good and for God’s glory? 

o Why do some people get answers to their prayers for healing, but our prayers get none? 

With no easy answers, we get up each day and take care of the urgency our situation demands—holding on until our head hits the pillow at night—and then we start over again when the alarm goes off the next morning. We echo Job with this thought: “If my misery could be weighed and my troubles be put on the scales, they would outweigh all the sands of the sea” (Job 6:2–3).

At these times, we’re often tempted to withdraw from public life and ministry for a variety of reasons—mostly because we’re exhausted from dealing with our situation and sometimes because we’re disappointed in God. 

When you encounter unthinkable challenges as a married couple, even in your pain look for ways to serve others. Consider these biblical reasons for serving others:

· Serving others allows us to partner with God. “The Lord is on my side; I will not fear” (Psalm 118:6). 

· Serving others produces blessing. “Give away your life; you’ll find life given back, but not merely given back—given back with bonus and blessing. Giving, not getting, is the way. Generosity begets generosity” (Luke 6:38). 

· Serving others brings glory to God. “Do you have the gift of helping others? Do it with all the strength and energy that God supplies. Then everything you do will bring glory to God through Jesus Christ” (1 Peter 4:11).

· Serving others makes us Jesus-focused. “And the King will say, ‘I tell you the truth, when you did it to one of the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were doing it to me!’” (Matthew 25:40). 

Serving others changes our perspective on our situation and can bring us closer together in marriage. God will give you people to serve while you are suffering—and when you accept those opportunities, you’ll find a deep, extravagant joy.

What is one act of service you could offer as individuals or as a couple this week?

from Staying Power by Carol & Gene Kent and Cindy & David Lambert

‘Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they don’t know what they are doing.”And the soldiers gambled for his clothes by throwing dice.’ Luke 23:34(NLT)

‘Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.’ Ephesians 4:32(NLT)

‘But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness. ‘ 1 John 1:9(NLT)

Scripture: Luke 23:34; Ephesians 4:32; 1 John 1:9

Archibald Hart writes, “Forgiveness is surrendering my right to hurt you for hurting me.” In marriage, hurt often involves closing down and building walls of resentment and unforgiveness when our spouse responds to a crisis differently than we do. Forgiveness requires giving up the resentment we feel for the omission or commission of something that hurts us. 

This is much more challenging when you’re married to someone who doesn’t seem to get why you can’t get over the pain you feel in response to a situation you never wanted and didn’t anticipate. Resentment can also arise when a couple experiences different modes of grieving. If you and your spouse have dissimilar ways of expressing your sorrow, one or both of you may assume that the other doesn’t care about what happened as much as you do. But grief is not a competition in strength or endurance or volume. 

When life hands us an unwanted surprise or unexpected challenge, it’s easy to point the finger at our spouse and find a reason to blame the person we’re closest to for not being involved enough, for not being caring and compassionate enough toward us, for not understanding our pain, or for running away (emotionally or physically). Our emotions get in the way. We sometimes hold grudges for long periods of time.

Lewis Smedes writes, “When we forgive we set a prisoner free and then discover that the prisoner we set free was us.” When we forgive our spouse for emotionally hurting us or for judging us because we respond to painful circumstances differently, we set the tone for a happier marriage. 

Forgiveness doesn’t negate the wrong done to you; it sets you free from bitterness and anger. Forgiveness allows you to move forward—out of the hurts of the past and toward a productive, joy-filled marriage. 

What benefits have you received as a result of forgiving your spouse quickly?

from Staying Power by Carol & Gene Kent and Cindy & David Lambert

‘And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. ‘ Romans 8:28(NLT)

‘Get all the advice and instruction you can, so you will be wise the rest of your life.’ Proverbs 19:20(NLT)

‘Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning.’ Lamentations 3:23(NLT)

‘The Lord says, “I will guide you along the best pathway for your life. I will advise you and watch over you.’ Psalms 32:8(NLT)

Scripture: Romans 8:28; Proverbs 19:20; Lamentations 3:23; Psalm 32:8

As a couple, ask each other these questions:

Do we believe that God will work our situation out for his good? I (Carol) reacted poorly when people who had just heard of our son’s arrest stopped by our house, put an arm around me, and quoted Romans 8:28. I rebelled in my heart: They don’t understand—and they’re trying to solve our problem by stuffing a Bible verse down our throats. And yet, even if those friends lacked tact, I needed to remember that that verse in Romans simply describes how God works. Based on everything I know about God and his Word, he will work this situation out for our good and his glory. 

Are we willing to request advice from others? 

The Bible says, “Get all the advice and instruction you can, so you will be wise the rest of your life” (Proverbs 19:20). Gene and I are both firstborn, “take charge” people. Before Jason’s arrest, we were used to giving advice, rather than taking it. But his arrest humbled us. We became more than willing to seek and follow wise counsel. 

Have we realized there’s new hope and new grace in each day? 

Early in our journey with our son, I often struggled late in the day with feelings of despair and depression. But every morning, when the sun came up, my spirits were lifted. “Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning” (Lamentations 3:23). The choices we made yesterday and the ones we’ll make today are all covered in his mercy—even if we made mistakes. 

Have we prayed together about the decisions we need to make? 

Because we have a personal relationship with the King of Kings, we can confidently seek his guidance through prayer. As you pray, ask the Holy Spirit to reveal to you the next right choice. 

Have we read the Bible together and looked for God’s direction? 

We live in “hurry-up” mode, and taking even a few minutes to read God’s Word together can be challenging. But check out the reward for doing that: “The Lord says, ‘I will guide you along the best pathway for your life. I will advise you and watch over you’” (Psalm 32:8). If we make the time to read his Word, we’ll get wisdom for making our next right choice. 

Which of these five questions resonates with you most today. Why?

from Staying Power by Carol & Gene Kent and Cindy & David Lambert

‘Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.’ Proverbs 3:5-6(NLT)

‘Indeed, we all make many mistakes. For if we could control our tongues, we would be perfect and could also control ourselves in every other way.’ James 3:2(NLT)

‘But the wisdom from above is first of all pure. It is also peace loving, gentle at all times, and willing to yield to others. It is full of mercy and the fruit of good deeds. It shows no favoritism and is always sincere. And those who are peacemakers will plant seeds of peace and reap a harvest of righteousness.’ James 3:17-18(NLT)

Scripture: Proverbs 3:5–6; James 3:2, 17–18

Making a specific set of pre-decisions about how you and your spouse will act with each other in crisis can make a significant difference in your relationship. We suggest the following pre-decisions, or some very like them, to help you navigate your way through the next crisis with mutual support:

• I will practice automatic forgiveness. I realize that my spouse is no more perfect than I am—so therefore, in any crises that come our way, I will automatically forgive my spouse’s lapses, weaknesses, errors in judgment, unwise words, and flares of temper, just as I hope my spouse will forgive them in me. 

• I will tame my tongue. I will strive to make my words positive, encouraging, helpful, kind, constructive, and biblical.

• I will persevere through failure. When failure happens, I won’t act or speak as if the sky is falling. I will work with my spouse to regroup, figure out what went wrong, and decide where we go from here. Every failure is a lesson learned, rather than the end of the world, and I will act accordingly. 

• I will respond tenderly to my spouse’s needs. When my spouse asks something of me, when at all possible I will set aside whatever else I am doing and focus single-mindedly on my spouse’s need. 

• I will not expect my spouse to read my mind. If I feel a need for something—whether it be affection, attention, resources of some kind, time, patience, forgiveness—I will take responsibility to express that need and not assume it is already known. 

• I will accept my spouse just as he or she is. My job is not to change my spouse but to love and honor him or her.

• I will address concerns openly. If during a crisis my spouse develops unhealthy coping mechanisms, I will speak up in love, take action, and seek help. 

• I will value what is important to my spouse. If it matters to my spouse, it matters to me. If my partner suggests that we need counseling, I will keep that option open. 

• I will request and honor the advice of my spouse. We are a team, and I will value all input from my spouse before we make a final decision. 

How do you respond to this list of pre-decisions? What is one way you can implement at least one of them this week?

from Staying Power by Carol & Gene Kent and Cindy & David Lambert

‘Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.’ Ecclesiastes 4:9-12(NLT)

‘Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. Prophecy and speaking in unknown languages and special knowledge will become useless. But love will last forever! Now our knowledge is partial and incomplete, and even the gift of prophecy reveals only part of the whole picture! But when the time of perfection comes, these partial things will become useless. When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things. Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely. Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love.’ 1 Corinthians 13:4-13(NLT)

Scripture: Ecclesiastes 4:9–12; 1 Corinthians 13:4–13

When Gene and I (Carol) faced the devastating news that our son was in jail for murder, our marriage faced new challenges—to say the least. Our distress over Jason left us short-tempered, and we sometimes allowed little disagreements to escalate into full-blown arguments. Those disagreements often involved money: How would we ever afford the huge retainer for the highly recommended attorney we were considering? Should we empty our retirement accounts? Would we have to sell our home? 

At other times, the awkwardness between us was over intimacy. I (Carol) couldn’t even think of enjoying the pleasure of making love with my husband while my son was in jail awaiting trial. Gene, on the other hand, believed if we ever needed the release and the closeness of physical intimacy, it was now. 

We were both aware that we had a choice to make. Would we allow the stress of our son’s incarceration to tear us apart? Or would we stay together—no matter what—and learn how to let this experience make us not weaker but stronger? 

A couple does not defeat a difficult life crisis by each angrily separating himself or herself from the other and trying to handle the crisis alone, resisting whatever efforts are made by the other. It doesn’t work that way. 

You will not survive a devastating crisis unless you face it together. Unless you have each other’s back. Unless you live out Ecclesiastes 4:9–12 and help each other up when you fall (which you will). Unless you lay down together and keep the other warm. Unless you contribute your own cord to combine with your partner and the Lord to create a threefold cord that will withstand the power of this crisis and all other crises. 

This requires a together-come-what-may, for-better-or-worse, in-sickness-and-in-health, for-richer-for-poorer kind of commitment. It’s the commitment you already made once, and it’s the one you have to recommit to now as the hurricanes of life sweep over your relationship.

When have circumstances caused you and your spouse to be impatient with each other? What has helped you see each other with more compassion during those times?

from Staying Power by Carol & Gene Kent and Cindy & David Lambert

‘For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.’ Isaiah 43:19(NLT)

‘And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don’t know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words. ‘ Romans 8:26(NLT)

Scripture: Isaiah 43:19; Romans 8:26; James 1:2–5

Unforeseen pressures hit our marriages when we least expect them. Your newborn has a severe disability. An accident or illness permanently impairs the health of your spouse. You discover that your teenager has become addicted to drugs or alcohol. Job loss rocks your financial foundation. You experience another miscarriage when you desperately long for a child. 

Many of the crises that can tear a marriage apart arise from decisions or character issues of one or both of the marriage partners. But this devotional addresses the choices, practices, and principles that can make a marriage stronger when faced with the types of crises that come from outside the marriage through no choice of the husband or wife. 

No matter what the external crisis, is it possible that there are choices, principles, and insights that cannot only equip your marriage to endure such an onslaught of circumstances, but actually leave your marriage stronger and more resilient and closer and more vibrant than it was before the crisis hit? We believe it is! 

Your marriage will face trials and tribulations. They can defeat you. They can cause you to give up. They can drive you to turn on each other in a rage. Or . . . they can cause you to pull together as a unit, a team committed to facing this challenge together and emerging from it in the end closer and more committed to each other than ever, and knowing each other better than you ever thought it possible to know another human being. 

The truth is, the choice is yours—yours together. Let’s look at the ways you can arm yourselves to face outside challenges, when they come, with wisdom and strength. The ways you can give your marriage staying power. 

What outside pressures has your relationship faced so far? Would you say those pressures caused you and your spouse to be closer together or farther apart? 

from Staying Power by Carol & Gene Kent and Cindy & David Lambert