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1st Marriage ZZ

You Make Me Smile

‘Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib, and he brought her to the man.’ Genesis 2:22(NLT)

I crave approval and affirmation. No matter how much I get, it seems like it’s never enough. 

I want to hear: 

“I love you.” 

“I choose you, even on your bad days.” 

“I like being with you.” 

“You’re A-OK in my book.” 

“You don’t need to change, I like you just the way you are.” 

“You make me smile.”

I want to feel affirming arms around me and to be understood and validated. 

Can you relate to any of this? 

Think back to when you were in grade school and the teacher singled out two team captains to pick their teammates. Do you remember how good it felt when you were finally chosen? We all want to be chosen. The next time your husband approaches you for some “fun” and you’re contemplating turning him down, remember: all your husband wants to do is love you. He is choosing you. He is choosing you above everything else, above anything else he could be doing. He’s choosing you. Maybe you were the last one chosen back in grade school. Well, now you are being chosen first. 

When you say yes, you are choosing to feel closer to him, to feel loved, to feel chosen. I promise you there will be times when the last thing you want to do is a bit of tumbling, but once things begin to heat up, you’ll feel completely differently. Give things time to heat up. Allow yourself to be chosen. Fully accept all the affirmation and approval he wants to give you and embrace this love as God’s gift to you. 

It’s through God’s mystery—the mystery of two becoming one—that we will experience exceeding joy, limitless pleasure, and divine exhilaration, both spiritually and physically. Indulge, receive, cling, and bask in love committedly and devotedly. 

God fashioned us into beautiful images of Him and created us for pleasure, for relationship, and for His glory. Embrace the way God made you by being sensual and responsive. 

So what? Is there something holding you back from fully indulging in physical intimacy? Two becoming one is a gift from God. Receive God’s gift and allow yourself the joy that comes with it. 

Dear heavenly Father, please help me to erase all the bad programming I may have about intimacy and embrace the love, enjoyment, and pleasure You created. 

from Seven Days To “The Intimacy You Crave” by Lucille Williams

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1st Marriage ZZ

Heavenly Connection

‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ Genesis 2:24(NLT)

I had tortilla chips and a coke for dinner last night. I was craving connection, or maybe chocolate cake, but I settled for a bowl of chips and a soda. 

God made us for connectedness. We are wired with a deep longing, a desire, a craving for intimacy. We want to feel connected to others. As a married woman, God created a way for those desires to be fulfilled. 

We can come up with countless reasons to say no to “amorous congress” and be completely justified. Oftentimes, cake sounds more fun than sex. The difference between cake and sex is that after cake I almost always wish I hadn’t eaten it, but with sex I can’t think of a time I regretted it. Ever. Can you?

God repeatedly commands us to love our husbands both emotionally and physically, and He wants us to have a healthy, happy marriage—emotionally and physically. Read the Song of Solomon and tell me you didn’t blush…just a little. 

The concept of an active and flourishing sexual connection with your husband can seem indulgent and frivolous. Certainly, there are more important things we need to be doing—who has time for personal indulgence? Counterfeit alternatives to fulfill our longings for intimacy can emerge, from a quest for accolades and importance to a bag of chips and a sweet bubbly drink. 

All lies from the enemy. 

Our marriages can be used by God to glorify the kingdom. I’ve often heard women say, “I don’t know what God’s will is for my life.” This statement sometimes puzzles me when made by a married woman. We tend to complicate things. If we’re married, God’s will is that we love our husbands—all out—emotionally and physically. God also wills that we enjoy our physical relationships with our husbands; it’s one of His gifts to us. When I learned this truth and developed a closer relationship with God, my physical relationship with my husband began deepening.

Do you feel intense longing for connection? Instead of running from connection, dive into “connection.” It’s okay, God says so.

So what? Think about all the ways you may use counterfeit alternatives to satisfy deep longing. Go to the One who made you and formed you and allow His plan to satiate you. 

Dear God, give me the wisdom to know when I’m settling for less than Your best for me in my marriage relationship and in all of my relationships. 

from Seven Days To “The Intimacy You Crave” by Lucille Williams

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1st Marriage ZZ

Love Your Body

‘I have entered my garden, my treasure, my bride! I gather myrrh with my spices and eat honeycomb with my honey. I drink wine with my milk. Oh, lover and beloved, eat and drink! Yes, drink deeply of your love!’ Song of Songs 5:1(NLT)

‘Then God looked over all he had made, and he saw that it was very good! And evening passed and morning came, marking the sixth day.’ Genesis 1:31(NLT)

We are going to talk about intimacy. More specifically we are going to talk about sex. Does talking about sex bring uneasy feelings to the surface? Straight up, it does for me. But if you’re a Christian, and you’re a married woman, don’t you think sex needs to be on the table? God talks about sex, and that means we can talk about it too. 

One of our greatest hindrances to amazing “intimacy” can be our body image. Sister, I have body image issues, do you? We need to learn to put those aside and allow the magic to happen, but how? With God’s help all things are possible, right? 

Let’s start at the beginning…

God formed you.

I know you’ve heard that over and over.

Let it sink in. 

God made you just the way you are, for His glory and His use.

God made you and said, “It was very good” (Genesis 1:31). 

Be kind to yourself and stop beating yourself up over the parts of your body you don’t like. 

Let’s talk about Eve…

The Bible doesn’t give us specifics as to how Eve looked when God fashioned her. Knowing His creation so well, God probably excluded this information from His Word on purpose. He knew all of us women would compare ourselves to Eve if she’d been described. Have you ever thought about what Eve looked like naked? Maybe she was round and curvy? If you are like me, you picture what you consider the ideal woman’s physique and then give it straight to Eve. But what if Eve looked like you? You don’t know that she didn’t. Try giving Eve your body in your mind and see what happens. 

Try this approach for your next “shrimpin’ the barbie”—yes, that was a euphemism for sex— occasion: When you are alone with your husband and the clothes start flying, no one is there but the two of you. Just like Adam and Eve. Eve was all Adam had, and you are all your husband has. So let him have it. All of it! 

It’s time we put away any body image issues when we put away our clothes. It’s just the two of you, so cancel out anything else and indulge.

So what? When the clothes come off and the light goes dim, make the choice to love what God gave you.

Dear God, help me put aside whatever body image issues I have and fully embrace the intimacy you designed for me.

from Seven Days To “The Intimacy You Crave” by Lucille Williams

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Saving Marriage ZZ

Working It Out

‘Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too.’ Philippians 2:3-4(NLT)

‘May God, who gives this patience and encouragement, help you live in complete harmony with each other, as is fitting for followers of Christ Jesus. Then all of you can join together with one voice, giving praise and glory to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.’ Romans 15:5-6(NLT)

Devotional Content:

I think one of the biggest obstacles couples face when trying to work out a problem or an issue is that we just don’t have the energy. We are angry with each other and it just seems easier to either withdraw or fight it out for awhile. When we withdraw, we may get a little peace and quiet, but it will be short lived because we did not deal with the issue. Fighting it out happens because we are already angry so we think “why not”?  Often, taking the time to work it out just doesn’t look very appealing. It takes time and a lot of effort, and we just don’t have it in us.

Here are some things for you to think about. Of the three choices above, only one will give you an awesome marriage. Fighting it out will never resolve anything. The only thing you might improve is your ability to fight and that is never going to help your marriage. Withdrawing leaves all the issues on the table and nine times out of ten you will be back at the table fighting over the same issues again. The only real solution is taking the time to work it out. 

Here are five tips to get you going:

  1. Agree to stop the fight. Agree on a time to talk it through later after you both have calmed down and taken time to pray about it.
  2. Listen to each other and make sure you are really hearing what the other one is saying.
  3. Make sure you understand each other’s perspective.
  4. Explore solutions together.
  5. Pick one solution and follow through with it.  

Today’s Challenge: 

How well do you try to understand each other’s perspective? What would help each of you to do it better?

Going Deeper:

Learning as a couple how to explore solutions together is an important step in resolving conflict. Take an issue that has been a cause of conflict in your marriage and take turns offering solutions.

from Stop The Fighting – Part 2: Breaking The Cycles Of Unhealthy Conflict

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Saving Marriage ZZ

Advocates or Adversaries

‘Let us think of ways to motivate one another to acts of love and good works. ‘ Hebrews 10:24(NLT)

‘So encourage each other and build each other up, just as you are already doing.’ 1 Thessalonians 5:11(NLT)

‘Christ died and rose again for this very purpose—to be Lord both of the living and of the dead.’ Romans 14:9(NLT)

Devotional Content:

It was an interesting phenomenon. Nancy and I did so many things well together. We loved the same things. We never argued about where to go eat, what movie to see, or where to hang out. When our kids came along, we parented really well together. We never fought about money and really were on the same page with what and where to spend. Then, in what seemed like a split second, we could be instant enemies and fighting with everything we had. After our fights, we would look at each other and wonder how we ever got here – again.  

We discovered over time that it was very hard for either of us to admit that we were wrong. We found there were topics that triggered something inside each of us to go into attack mode. Once we were there it was not a pretty sight. We could come alongside each other as advocates so well at times, but then turn around and see each other as an adversary equally well.   

For us, it was with God’s help that we learned to keep the advocate focus front and center all the time. I did want the best for her and she was not my enemy – in fact, she wanted the same for me. We prayed to see each other through God’s eyes and we did.  It was not instant, but gradually, as we prayed that prayer and chose to be obedient to God, we did. Can I still see Nancy in that adversary role at times? Sure. But rarely does she even notice it because God is always there to help me refocus.

Today’s Challenge: 

Discuss the areas in your marriage where you truly are each other’s advocate.  How can you continue to grow these areas?

Going Deeper:

The next time you view your spouse as an adversary will you make a commitment to stop and pray and ask God to help you see your spouse as an advocate?

from Stop The Fighting – Part 2: Breaking The Cycles Of Unhealthy Conflict

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Saving Marriage ZZ

The Right Fight

‘Yes, the body has many different parts, not just one part. ‘ 1 Corinthians 12:14(NLT)

‘How wonderful and pleasant it is when brothers live together in harmony!’ Psalms 133:1(NLT)

‘Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other. ‘ Romans 12:10(NLT)

Devotional Content:

It took us a long time in marriage to learn to fight without having a winner and a loser.  During the two years that we dated in college, Nancy and I fought, or at least we thought we fought. If you compared our fights during our dating years to our fights in the first years of marriage, it would be like high school football compared to the NFL.  We went from amateurs to pros in just a matter of months. 

Both of us were stubborn, strong-willed, and determined to never lose, which was a big part of our problem. It was amazing. Even though our marriage was crumbling around us, no one was giving in. Sometimes I thought I won and sometimes Nancy thought she won. The truth was that there were three losers. Nancy, me, and our marriage.  

We associated conflict with fighting. We had no idea that couples could disagree and settle the argument in such a way that there were three winners instead of three losers. That idea never even crossed our minds until finally one day, we both came to the same conclusion at the same time: We could not go on this way. Something had to change. We loved each other a lot and we were each other’s best friend, but we still fought like enemies. Therein was the issue. We had to quit fighting each other, put God at the center of our marriage, and address our conflicts together with Him. 

Today’s Challenge: 

On a scale of 1 -10 (with 10 being the highest), how important is it for you to “win” when there is conflict? Are you willing to work on your competitiveness to improve your marriage?

Going Deeper:

What is one thing that you can do to put God at the center of your marriage and your conflicts?

from Stop The Fighting – Part 2: Breaking The Cycles Of Unhealthy Conflict

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Saving Marriage ZZ

Winning and Losing?

‘Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love. ‘ Ephesians 4:2(NLT)

‘Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. ‘ 1 Corinthians 13:4-5(NLT)

‘May God, who gives this patience and encouragement, help you live in complete harmony with each other, as is fitting for followers of Christ Jesus. ‘ Romans 15:5(NLT)

Devotional Content:

Most of us have encountered competitive situations in our lives. If you played sports growing up, the goal was not to play a good game but to win. The winners got blue ribbons and the trophies and their names in the newspaper.  The losers did not.  

Maybe you were in music or dance or you were strong academically. It seems no matter how innocent these start out, one day there is the push to compete. If you are good at dance or music, eventually someone urges you to compete and when we compete, our goal is to win. The same is true with academics. Then after high school or college when we start a job the same thing can happen. We live in a competitive society.

I’m not saying that any of the above is bad. We learn a lot from playing sports and participating in music, dance, or academic competitions. What I am saying is that we cannot bring that competition into our marriages. Marriage cannot be a win or lose deal. Why? In conflicts in our marriage, when I win, Nancy loses. When Nancy wins, I lose. In either of these situations, our marriage loses. The goal is not winning or losing but for our marriage to win. It’s taking out the competition and letting the marriage win. Guess what? When your marriage wins, so do you.

Today’s Challenge: 

When do you as a couple get in win/lose conflicts? What can you each do to change those into win/win situations?

Going Deeper:

Pray for God to help you see each other’s perspective in areas of conflict.

from Stop The Fighting – Part 2: Breaking The Cycles Of Unhealthy Conflict

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1st Marriage ZZ

Happy Marriage, Happy Home – Day 10

‘Dear friends, let us continue to love one another, for love comes from God. Anyone who loves is a child of God and knows God. ‘ 1 John 4:7(NLT)

Do you know your partner’s love language? When I was courting Jo Beth prior to our marriage, we did not know the term, “love language.” I wish we had; but I could begin to see what outward expressions of love worked with her, and she began to understand how I received love. In his widely read book, The Five Love Languages, Dr. Gary Chapman has deciphered the language of love into these categories. They are: 

1. Words of Affirmation 

2. Quality Time 

3. Receiving Gifts 

4. Acts of Service 

5. Physical Touch 

Make it a point to find out what language your mate is speaking. Many times I see couples who are struggling in their marriage because they do not know how to interpret their partner’s love language. This language is easy to learn once you investigate it with your spouse. As an exercise today, ask your mate which of the five love languages speaks most clearly to him/her. Then begin to practice, practice, practice your spouse’s native love language. If you already know it, don’t forget that practice helps you become fluent! 

Pray for the Lord to guide you in deciphering your partner’s love language. Ask for the Lord to help interpret and guide you in expressing love to your spouse in a language other than your own.

from Happy Marriage, Happy Home

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1st Marriage ZZ

Happy Marriage, Happy Home – Day 9

‘Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony. ‘ Colossians 3:12-14(NLT)

Today’s scripture perfectly describes a Happy Home. Is there a place you can go that has compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience emanating from the people within? What about when you do have a complaint against each other? Is it handled quickly and forgiven? 

Picture a house. You are on the outside. It is faded and no lights are on inside. Now imagine as you read these verses, that with each attribute described, a light begins to glow from within. A compassionate heart turns the light on. From behind the curtains, the house begins to glow. Next, the kindness light comes on and the inside glow becomes brighter. Humility notches up the brightness even more. Now the house looks warm and inviting. 

From across the street, you notice that meekness turns on the front porch lanterns. Patience kicks on the landscape lighting, and you notice that the house does not seem as faded, but instead, bright and inviting. Last you see silhouettes through the curtains, a couple embrace…arms extended to enfold two small children. That is the love that binds that faded, old house in perfect harmony. Is this a picture of your home? 

Today, ask the Lord to guide and light your path in establishing a Colossians 3 home.

from Happy Marriage, Happy Home

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1st Marriage ZZ

Happy Marriage, Happy Home – Day 8

‘Kiss me and kiss me again, for your love is sweeter than wine. How pleasing is your fragrance; your name is like the spreading fragrance of scented oils. No wonder all the young women love you! Take me with you; come, let’s run! The king has brought me into his bedroom.’ Song of Songs 1:2-4(NLT)

Sex can just be sex, or it can be a thousand times better when based on emotional and spiritual intimacy. Spiritual intimacy is a divine mystery. But just as emotional intimacy takes work, so does physical intimacy. I read a funny quote by a small child who said, “King Solomon had 700 wives and 300 porcupines.” 

Well, I imagine with that many women all needing one man, they may have felt like porcupines. But aside from Solomon’s disobedience to God in taking on foreign wives, he wrote a book that the Holy Spirit inspired. It’s a love song, and at least in my opinion, he is very specific on how to become a good lover to his wife. 

His wife also writes about how to make love to her husband. Many of you are reading this thinking, “I can’t believe this is in the Bible.” Well, read it for yourself. It’s all in there. Part of what you will find is a romance that is gentle, sweet, respectful, and sensual. 

Here’s an exercise for you: take the next few days and read Song of Solomon to each other. Men, you read the king’s part. Ladies, read the part of the wife. 

Remember, when Solomon was made king, God asked him how He could bless him. Solomon asked for wisdom. Within this book, you will find wisdom for a loving and fulfilling marriage bed. 

Ask God for emotional, spiritual, and physical intimacy in your marriage.

from Happy Marriage, Happy Home