Category: ZZ

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Devotion for Men ZZ

Heroic Focus

‘You are beautiful, my darling, beautiful beyond words. Your eyes are like doves behind your veil. Your hair falls in waves, like a flock of goats winding down the slopes of Gilead. Your teeth are as white as sheep, recently shorn and freshly washed. Your smile is flawless, each tooth matched with its twin. Your lips are like scarlet ribbon; your mouth is inviting. Your cheeks are like rosy pomegranates behind your veil. Your neck is as beautiful as the tower of David, jeweled with the shields of a thousand heroes. Your breasts are like two fawns, twin fawns of a gazelle grazing among the lilies. Before the dawn breezes blow and the night shadows flee, I will hurry to the mountain of myrrh and to the hill of frankincense. You are altogether beautiful, my darling, beautiful in every way. Come with me from Lebanon, my bride, come with me from Lebanon. Come down from Mount Amana, from the peaks of Senir and Hermon, where the lions have their dens and leopards live among the hills. You have captured my heart, my treasure, my bride. You hold it hostage with one glance of your eyes, with a single jewel of your necklace.’ Song of Songs 4:1-9(NLT)

‘For the Lord your God is living among you. He is a mighty savior. He will take delight in you with gladness. With his love, he will calm all your fears. He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.”’ Zephaniah 3:17(NLT)

Hero, never underestimate how much your wife craves your attention. 

A wife’s heart sings when her husband notices details even she doesn’t notice about herself.

This is what we see in Song of Solomon 4:1-9. It’s a Heroic Focus on his bride, starting with her eyes and going lower and lower. How wonderful! 

You get to cherish your wife and lavish her with your attention. She is worthy of knowing. You love to behold, she loves to be held. 

But the focus of a husband isn’t just sexual. It’s in ordinary moments, too. Those first five minutes coming home from work (or any activity) are crucial. They set the tone for the rest of the evening. 

Heroic Husbands win those moments. They don’t walk through the door while on the phone with someone else. They don’t stay in work mode, dwelling on unfinished projects. Instead, they choose to focus on their bride.

How, then, do you hit the ‘Mute’ button on everything else demanding your attention? How do you offer her an unhurried heart, allowing her to experience the full weight of your attention? Two words: human finitude.

Not what you were expecting? Allow me to explain. Rigged deep into the wiring of men is the yearning to be strong, capable, and competent. We hate to feel useless and weak. This can push us towards a Superman mentality. We try to do it all, to take on the world! But this gets us in trouble. We can’t be all places at once.

Wives who are well attended to have husbands who know their limits. Husbands that gladly admit, “Yeah, I’m no Superman. I can’t do it all. I did my best at work today. Now, I turn my attention elsewhere.” 

That’s Heroic Focus. It takes courage to let things go undone.

Husband, God made you finite on purpose. It’s not a result of the Fall and it’s not changing. You are a human, not Superman. You will never complete the to-do list. There’s not enough time in the day. Nor do you possess an infinite supply of attention. No, you’re working with limited resources.

The question is, how will you spend it? On her, or something else? 

Will you choose heroic focus?

from Heroic Husbandry: Reclaiming Hero Status in Your Marriage

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Devotion for Men ZZ

Hero’s Shield

‘For the grace of God has been revealed, bringing salvation to all people. And we are instructed to turn from godless living and sinful pleasures. We should live in this evil world with wisdom, righteousness, and devotion to God, while we look forward with hope to that wonderful day when the glory of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, will be revealed. He gave his life to free us from every kind of sin, to cleanse us, and to make us his very own people, totally committed to doing good deeds.’ Titus 2:11-14(NLT)

My favorite scenes in action movies are when the protagonist begins training to defeat his/her foe. It is during this training that, over time, they transition from zeroes to heroes. I think of Tom Cruise in The Last Samurai or even Po in Kung Fu Panda. I treasure these scenes.

As you train in Heroic Husbandry, there is one skill you must master – grace. Yes, grace. The essence of grace is treating someone better than they deserve. It is crucial to your relationship with your bride!

As you follow Jesus, pay close attention to how He treats you better than you deserve. The more you do, the more you begin to treat your bride better than she deserves in all things, big and small. This is a self-controlled, upright, and godly life. This is Heroic Husbandry.

But this can be hard to do, especially in the face of criticism. How many times have you entered dialogue, fully intending to reconcile things, only to be thrown off the rails by a single, harsh comment by that lovely lady of yours? We’ve all been there. I have.

What we need is a shield.

If I asked you to picture Captain America, you’d probably first picture his shield. He’s known for it. It’s legendary! Bullets, blades, and bad guys hit that shield to no avail. It endures.

You, too, hero, must be known for your shield. Your ‘grace shield’. 

It doesn’t matter how good our intentions are, without a  ‘grace shield’ even mild criticism can render us explosive.

Okay, now picture Thor holding his hammer aloft, lightning surging down from the clouds, entering him, and then thundering out of him. Husband, this is Jesus’ desire for you. (Not that you become the God of Thunder, but that His grace will flow from heaven and bless your bride through you. No matter how many rude remarks, sinful eye-rolls, or distorted facts flung your way, the grace shield endures and God’s power flows – for her sake. 

So, next time a nag comes your way, use your ‘grace shield’. Treat her better than she deserves. 

She may not appreciate it right away, but that’s okay. A real hero doesn’t need to be thanked.

from Heroic Husbandry: Reclaiming Hero Status in Your Marriage

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Devotion for Men ZZ

Hero’s Guide

‘Oh, how I love your instructions! I think about them all day long. Your commands make me wiser than my enemies, for they are my constant guide. Yes, I have more insight than my teachers, for I am always thinking of your laws. I am even wiser than my elders, for I have kept your commandments. I have refused to walk on any evil path, so that I may remain obedient to your word. I haven’t turned away from your regulations, for you have taught me well. How sweet your words taste to me; they are sweeter than honey. Your commandments give me understanding; no wonder I hate every false way of life.
Nun
Your word is a lamp to guide my feet and a light for my path. I’ve promised it once, and I’ll promise it again: I will obey your righteous regulations.’ Psalms 119:97-106(NLT)

I will always remember the day Captain “Sully” famously landed US Airways Flight 1549 on the Hudson River! People praised him for pulling off an extraordinary task, but he explained it differently: years and years and years of quiet, monotonous study, practice, and teaching safety protocol. When his plane barreled into that flock of geese – which shut off the engines – Sully didn’t frantically search for the manual, screaming, “What do I do?!” He already knew. Sully had every nuanced scenario memorized. It was second nature to him. Anything less than that would’ve spelled disaster for those 155 passengers.

This is a wonderful picture for Heroic Husbandry. Like Sully, we must be the sort of husbands that can handle every situation thrown our way in marriage, because we’ve faithfully studied the manual. The guide. Whether it’s Luke with Yoda or a pirate with his map, every hero has his guide. For Heroic Husbands, our guide is the Bible. 

When we study the Bible, we learn about Jesus – the ultimate Heroic Husband.

But how does one master the Bible like Sully mastered the training manual? 

Not easily, hero. There is no shortcut to learning Scripture just like there’s no easy way to land a plane atop water! But it is possible. It is within your grasp! What’s important is making your commitment today. Even if it’s just five minutes, it counts. It matters. Then stick to it tomorrow.  

Study the Bible more than you ever have. Steep your soul in it. As Horatius Bonar wrote, “Transfuse it through the whole texture of the soul.” In that holy time before His Word, aim for these twin goals: to both know and obey God.

The accumulated time and effort you put in will snowball into something larger. Then when unexpected challenges knock out your engines, you’ll know what to do.

That’s when your wife will notice, and be blessed.

from Heroic Husbandry: Reclaiming Hero Status in Your Marriage

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Infidelity: ZZ

CREATE A NEW NORMAL

‘“But forget all that— it is nothing compared to what I am going to do. For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.’ Isaiah 43:18-19(NLT)

Author Thomas Wolfe became famous for telling the world that You Can’t Go Home Again. In an excerpt from his novel by the same name he says, “[Death is] to lose the earth you know for greater knowing; to lose the life you have, for greater life; to leave the friends you loved, for greater loving; to find a land more kind than home, more large than earth.” In those few words, whether he knew it or not, Wolfe was setting forth the biblical concept of resurrection. The world may be broken and fallen, but hope does not lie in the direction of an imaginary return to the Garden. The only way out of the human dilemma is forward — through the darkness of death and defeat and out into the light of a brand-new day.

Here at Focus on the Family we hear from couples every day whose marriages have been rocked by adversity. Many have endured an affair. Others have suffered from abuse or addiction. But the common thread running through all these scenarios is the challenge of reconciling when your relationship has been torn in two.

If you’re facing that kind of challenge, don’t forget about the resurrection principle. Ultimately, it’s the only way out of your difficulties. Troubled couples who don’t understand this often fall into the trap of trying to recapture the feelings they had for one another back in the “good old days,” before everything went wrong. It seems reasonable. In the face of conflict, people tend to gravitate backward toward something familiar and predictable.
But that can actually complicate the healing process. It’s like moving back into the home where you grew up as a child. Certain things will be familiar, but it will never feel exactly like it did when you were a kid. You’re older and see the world through different eyes now.

In the same way, there’s no way to go back to the time before your marriage nearly collapsed. Instead, the best plan is to get beyond it by directing your energy toward creating a “new normal.” Rather than sweeping problems under a rug and pretending they never happened, learn to heal the wounds and create a new life. It can be tough to face the pain, but you’ll come out stronger on the other side if you try. And the Good News is that, with God’s help, you can do it through faith in Jesus Christ; for as the apostle Paul assures us, “If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new” (2 Corinthians 5:17).

For more help, visit Focus on the Family’s Help Center (http://family.custhelp.com/app/home), or call the ministry’s Counseling Department for a free consultation at 855-771-HELP (4357).

from Infidelity: Road To Recovery, Where To Start

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Infidelity: ZZ

TO HEAL, IMMERSE YOURSELF IN RECOVERY

‘But Jesus told him, “Anyone who puts a hand to the plow and then looks back is not fit for the Kingdom of God.”’ Luke 9:62(NLT)

The Christian life, said Jesus to one of His would-be disciples, is an all-or-nothing proposition. It’s not for the half-hearted or partially committed. If you want it, you’ve got to grab for it with both fists. You’ve got to jump in with both feet — no reservations, no holds barred. It’s exactly the same with marriage. And this idea of total commitment becomes doubly important when it’s a matter of saving and restoring a marriage that has been shattered by infidelity.

If that’s your situation — if you and your spouse are having difficulty living under the same roof because one of you has broken trust and violated the marital covenant by becoming involved in an extramarital affair — things probably look pretty bleak to you right now. At a moment like this, it’s easy to start thinking about throwing in the towel. Yet, believe it or not, this isn’t the time to give up hope! You can turn things around. But to do it successfully, you’ll have to immerse yourself in a process of recovery — not just dabble with it.

Gardening provides a good illustration of this principle. Seeds will never germinate and grow if you simply dip them into a patch of dirt every so often. The gardener can’t become impatient and give up on a seed if it doesn’t push through the soil after a day or two. On the contrary, a seed is transformed into a thriving plant when you plunge it deep into the soil, leave it there for a long time, and allow the process of sun, light, and water to take its course.

A troubled marriage isn’t much different. You can’t heal a broken relationship overnight or with an occasional visit to a counselor. Struggling couples must throw themselves into the process of recovery lock, stock, and barrel if they want to rekindle the spark of real love and romance. They’ve got to give helpful resources time to breathe life back into their foundering relationship.

Here’s the bottom line: even under the worst of circumstances — even when a marriage has been ripped from top to bottom by the pain of infidelity — willing couples can turn almost any situation around. It has happened time and time again. But to achieve this goal, you have to seek God’s help in prayer, commit yourself to the influence of knowledgeable, helpful people, and do the hard work that needs to be done.

from Infidelity: Road To Recovery, Where To Start

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Infidelity: ZZ

HOW TO FORGIVE

‘But when you are praying, first forgive anyone you are holding a grudge against, so that your Father in heaven will forgive your sins, too.”’ Mark 11:25 https://my.bible.com/bible/116/MRK.11.25(NLT)

Extending forgiveness, says Jesus, is the key to being forgiven. This is one of the most astonishing of the many remarkable spiritual and relational principles revealed to us in the pages of Scripture. It’s also one of the most difficult to put into practice. But while this teaching may be hard to grasp and even harder to implement, it wouldn’t be unreasonable to suggest that forgiveness is among the greatest remedies for pain known to man. How strange, then, that so many people avoid it.

We receive hundreds of calls here at Focus on the Family every day. Many of them come from wounded people. Profoundly wounded people. The depth of their brokenness is often astounding. They come to us seeking relief, but what many of them don’t realize is that one of the most important parts of healing is also one of the most misunderstood — forgiveness. This is especially true when it comes to overcoming the devastating pain associated with marital infidelity.

Forgiveness is about letting go of our anger toward someone who has hurt us. This can be tough for some people because they’ve confused “forgiving” with “excusing.” They have the idea that they’re being forced to consider the wrong done to them as acceptable. But this is not true. Forgiveness never waters down the awful nature of an offense. In fact, forgiveness really isn’t about the offending person at all. Instead, its purpose is to release the heart of the offended party from the resentment that often accompanies emotional pain.

Another hurdle to overcome is the idea that forgiveness always occurs in a single moment and that our pain will instantly disappear as soon as we say, “I forgive you.” The truth is forgiveness is often a process of letting go. It’s okay to forgive someone to the degree that you’re able at the time. Then, as you move forward, your healing will allow you to forgive more, and your forgiveness will, in turn, lead to more healing.

As has already been said, this kind of forgiveness is the key to reconciliation for any couple whose relationship has been shattered by an extramarital affair. If that’s you — if you feel wounded because of the unfaithfulness of your spouse, but you’re struggling to forgive — then bear in mind what Jesus had to say about the importance of letting go. And while you’re at it, remember the words of psychologist Arch Hart: “Forgiveness is surrendering my right to hurt you for hurting me.”

from Infidelity: Road To Recovery, Where To Start

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Infidelity: ZZ

SURVIVING AN AFFAIR

‘Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love. ‘ 1 John 4:18(NLT)

Few marital problems are as devastating as infidelity. An affair doesn’t simply break marital trust, it shatters it. For a believer, this can even translate into a crisis of faith in the broadest sense of the word. After all, if you can’t have confidence in the person who promised to stay faithful “till death do you part,” how can you have confidence in anyone — including God Himself? This is a complicated and multi-layered issue for the Christian. That’s because there’s a very real sense in which fear and anxiety cannot co-exist with faith and trust. In the uncertain aftermath that follows an affair, it’s essential to push past the human betrayal and find a place of rest in the security of God’s faithfulness and sovereign care.

Victims of an affair often feel an overwhelming sense of suspicion toward their spouse. Everything is interpreted through the lens of betrayal — their spouse’s choice of clothing, their phone conversations, even the slightest deviation from their daily routine. In fact, the feelings of doubt can be so compelling, that many spouses will check in on their partner repeatedly throughout the day in an attempt to monitor their every move.

To someone who has been emotionally devastated, such behavior seems rational. It’s an attempt to take charge of circumstances that seem wildly out of his or her control. The trouble is, it doesn’t strengthen a person. It actually weakens him.

Tracking your spouse’s every movement will keep you trapped in a cycle of fear and suspicion, which will only drive you into deeper depression and higher levels of stress. This doesn’t mean, however, that you should give your spouse carte blanche for the future or dismiss the need for healthy accountability. In fact, the guilty party must be willing and agreeable to reasonable measures of accountability. Real healing and reconciliation can’t occur unless he or she is ready to be open and aboveboard about all their comings and goings and social interactions. Trust may be restored if accountability is maintained over a long period of time, but not otherwise. That’s just the way it is.

If you’re in this situation, the thought of releasing control of your spouse may seem terrifying. But in reality, there is only one person you can control: you. That’s not to mention that, ultimately, there is only one Person you can trust: God. Somehow or other, you have to get to the point where you can leave your spouse and your marriage in His hands. Coming to terms with these truths can only strengthen you. And as you gain strength, you will be able to devote more energy to moving forward in life with dignity and healing — and hopefully save your marriage in the process.

from Infidelity: Road To Recovery, Where To Start

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Infidelity: ZZ

START WITH THE “WHY”

‘A peaceful heart leads to a healthy body; jealousy is like cancer in the bones.’ Proverbs 14:30(NLT)

There are a lot of couples who would like to improve their marriage, but they don’t know where to start. If that sounds like you, here’s an idea you might find helpful: don’t begin with the “how”; start with the “why.” That’s the way to get at the heart of the matter; and the heart, as Scripture tells us many times, is the thing that matters most in the eyes of God (1 Samuel 16:7).

When your marriage is in crisis, it can be overwhelming. You and your spouse probably have a lengthy list of complaints about one another, and neither of you knows how to resolve them, or if you should even try. If you find yourselves in that position, it’s important to put first things first.

Most couples spend a lot of energy thinking through how to fix their marriage. Those details are important, of course, because couples do need practical solutions to their problems. But the mechanics of fixing a relationship won’t typically breathe life back into your marriage.

So, in addition to the nuts and bolts, give special attention to the why. Think about the reasons you fell in love in the first place. What were the dreams you once held for your relationship together? What do you hope your marriage could look like if it were healthy and whole?

While you’re pondering these questions, don’t forget to include prayer and Bible study as part of the therapeutic process. Scripture says that the Word of God is “able to judge the thoughts and intentions of the heart” (Hebrews 4:12), and it’s precisely these “thoughts and intentions” that the “why” questions are designed to uncover. If you seek Him diligently, the Lord will help you discern the underlying issues that are preventing you from putting your relationship back on a solid footing. It can also be extremely beneficial to engage the assistance of a trained Christian therapist or marriage counselor who knows how to look at marital problems from a spiritual point of view.

Answers to the “why” questions are what revive desire between a husband and wife, and desire is the thing that drives passion and romance. They also motivate couples to work hard at healing their relationship. As the well-known saying goes, “Where there’s a will, there’s a way.” It’s true in life, and it’s true in rebuilding a marriage as well.

from Infidelity: Road To Recovery, Where To Start

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Infidelity: ZZ

MOVING FROM “I CAN’T” TO “I CAN”

‘For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength. ‘ Philippians 4:13(NLT)

If your marriage seems dead, you may believe there’s no hope of bringing it back to life. But sometimes the willingness to try is all you need. If you can take that first small step in the right direction, God will meet you more than half way. He promises to hear and answer if you “call upon Him in the day of trouble” (Psalm 50:15).

Ten years into their marriage, comedian Jeff Allen and his wife Tami were on the rocks. A decade of alcoholism, rage, and non-stop conflict had killed their relationship. Things got so bad that Tami refused to face Jeff when he tried to talk to her. “I’m so hurt and angry,” she told him, “I can’t stand to look at you anymore.”

It was a devastating moment. Jeff and Tami had gone from “I do” to “I can’t even look at you.” Sadly, it’s a similar story in many marriages today. Unresolved anger eats away at the passion and commitment that once brought the couple together.

Fortunately, Jeff and Tami’s story doesn’t end there. With the Lord’s help, they found the strength to take one small step toward reconciliation. It didn’t change their feelings or their relationship right away. But it did something else: it enabled them to take the next small step, then another, and another. It took time, but they kept moving forward and were able to find healing and renew their love for one another.

If you’re in that situation, you may feel like there’s no hope. But the willingness to take even the smallest of steps can pull your marriage out of the ashes.

from Infidelity: Road To Recovery, Where To Start

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Infidelity: ZZ

PIECING MARRIAGE BACK TOGETHER

‘The Lord says, “I will give you back what you lost to the swarming locusts, the hopping locusts, the stripping locusts, and the cutting locusts. It was I who sent this great destroying army against you.’ Joel 2:25(NLT)

The God of the Bible is the God of new beginnings. “Behold, I make all things new,” He says in Revelation 21:5; and John, the writer of the book, testifies to the truth of this claim by declaring, “I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away. Also there was no more sea” (Revelation 21:1). This last statement is more significant than it may seem at first glance: to the Hebrew mind, the sea was a symbol of turmoil, division, darkness, destruction, and everything that threatens the happiness and well-being of mankind.

Has your marriage been the scene of turmoil and division? Have you and your spouse experienced conflict, perhaps even to the point of a serious breakdown in your relationship? Has trust been shattered as the result of an extramarital affair? If so, you need to hear the Good News that God can restore the years the locust has eaten and put the broken pieces of your marriage back together again.

If this sounds hard to believe, consider the case of the “Rollstone Boulder.” Fitchburg, Massachusetts is home to this 110-ton mass of rock. It was a prominent landmark in the area for centuries. So when quarrying threatened to topple the ten-foot-tall boulder from its summit, townspeople made up their minds to save it — with dynamite! Between 1929 and 1930, they blew it up by increments and moved all 110 tons of granite to the town common. And then? Then they pieced it back together again! It was a long, painstaking process, but to the people of Fitchburg it was worth it. Folks couldn’t imagine this landmark not being a part of their community, so they went to great lengths to preserve it.

Some marital problems can be resolved with nothing more than chocolate and an apology. But for many marriages, conflict is so severe and the wounds so deep it feels like dynamite has blown it to pieces. Unfortunately, couples in that situation often believe there’s no hope to repair the damage that’s been done. But, quite often, these relationships can be healed. It’ll likely take the expertise of a professional counselor. And, yes, it’ll require a lot of hard work. But the important things in life usually do.

If your marriage seems shattered beyond repair, don’t give up hope too quickly. There may still be a chance for you and your spouse to find healing and restoration.

For more help, visit Focus on the Family’s Help Center (http://family.custhelp.com/app/home), or call the ministry’s Counseling Department for a free consultation at 855-771-HELP (4357).

from Infidelity: Road To Recovery, Where To Start