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1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

Writing Your Own Blended Family Story

‘Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.’ Proverbs 3:5-6(NLT)

Whether you are on the road to becoming a blended family, have just become a blended family, or have been part of a blended family for many years, you have probably at one time or another asked, “How does this work?” Chances are, you hope for or have worked for a smooth transition and a happy family life for you, your spouse, and your children, but you also know that things are not always that easy. Adjusting to married life can be a big challenge in itself, but when we add children to the mix, things can become a lot more complicated.

Have you ever been talking to someone and had to explain the “yours, mine, and ours” scenario? It looks a little like this: “Well, Joe was mine before I remarried, and Bill had two kids from his previous marriage, and then we had one together.” We always seem to end with an awkward pause and a half smile, especially if the kids are standing there. And all the person asked is if all these kids were ours.

God’s way of blending leads to family unity—but it requires some intentionality on our part. It is almost impossible for us to develop strong relationships within the home if we create a clear separation between our kids and our spouse’s kids. We have to remember that although the children may be our spouse’s, they are our God-given assignment to help raise. Our spouse is no longer in this boat alone, and neither are we.

You see, children know when we are not fully invested in building a relationship with them. Learning to embrace them all as “ours” breaks down the walls and shows our kids that regardless of when they decide to embrace our blended family, we are already committed. This is God’s way! And our kids need to see this.

Think about it!

Do you model oneness in your blended family? If not, how could you change that?

from Better Than Blended Devotional

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1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

Introduction – Welcome to Better Than Blended

‘Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.’ 1 Corinthians 13:7(NLT)

When two people meet and fall in love, they typically don’t take the time to fully consider the extent to which their love will change their lives, especially in a blended family. During a beautiful marriage ceremony, they stand before witnesses and confess their undying love and vow their commitment to one another. All the decorations and ceremonial pomp, however, don’t prepare them for the hard work that lies ahead.

As children, both of us were exposed to the challenges of being in a blended family at an early age. When we joined together in marriage, we desired to become a united family! This was an audacious prayer—but with God’s help, it is attainable. 

Blending a family is a journey—one that will have some steep valleys of seeming defeat as well as high mountains of apparent victories. But it is worth it! Strong blended families aren’t the result of some magic pill or a single prayer. Strong blended families require application of the Word of God, willingness to work toward growth, and the ability to apply the wisdom of God in situations! We pray that you will begin to identify with these things in this devotional.

Wherever you are as a blended family, you will find that engaging in this devotional with an open heart and mind will take your family to the next level. As you begin and complete the Better than Blended Devotional, we would love to see three main goals achieved:

  • 1. An enhanced blended family experience by drawing closer to God
  • 2. A strengthened blended family by helping your children to develop heartfelt relationships with each other
  • 3. More intentionality by developing unity and oneness in every aspect of your blended family

We pray that a deepened sense of God’s call for your family will take root in your hearts and that the fruit of your love for each other, your children, and God will yield a family that is Better Than Blended. 

from Better Than Blended Devotional

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Saving Marriage ZZ

When Marriage Gets Hard – Day 3

‘Create in me a clean heart, O God. Renew a loyal spirit within me.’ Psalms 51:10(NLT)

‘We destroy every proud obstacle that keeps people from knowing God. We capture their rebellious thoughts and teach them to obey Christ. ‘ 2 Corinthians 10:5(NLT)

‘Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. ‘ James 1:19(NLT)

If it is not a habit of building each other up in your marriage and you want to make that transition in your relationship, the best place to start is in prayer. As you pray for your marriage and ask for God’s blessings in your marriage, you will find your spirit soften to your spouse. Asking God to create in you a pure heart like David did in the Psalms, along with a steadfast spirit, will give you the foundation to begin seeing your spouse through God’s eyes of love, grace and kindness. 

Meditate on the good things God has done in your spouse’s life and as you do, your prayers will begin to be directed toward those things. As a result, God will work in your marriage to bring about more good things in that way. Cast down any thought of negativity before Satan has an opportunity to create a stronghold and division in your mind with it (2 Corinthians 10:5).

You can begin by praying these guided prayers and using them as a catalyst for your own:

“Heavenly Father, You say that it is to my glory to overlook a fault. Also, that patience is a virtue and grace a gift. These are things that You have already shown time and time again. If You held my sins and faults against me, I would have no hope. Instead, You willingly forgive and even provide the pathway for that forgiveness to take place through the sacrifice of Jesus Christ. 

Receive my praise for Your patience. Accept my worship for your willingness to forgive. I honor Your heart which so readily overlooks my faults. Mold me into Your likeness in my character and emotions, Lord, so that I can reflect You in my marriage. In Christ’s name, amen.”

Talk to God About Your Marriage

Use this time in prayer to identify patterns that may have crept into your marriage relationship where criticizing or fault-finding exist. It could be in yourself, your spouse or even in both of you. Once your patterns are identified, pray through each area and ask God for wisdom and awareness on how to overcome them. Seek to replace anything negative that would normally come from your mouth with something positive. Choose something affirming rather than derogatory. As you continue to do these things, a tendency toward finding fault will lessen. If it is your spouse who is quick to find faults with you, ask God to intervene in his or her life and convict them of this sin. Then pray faithfully that the Lord will transform your spouse’s mind, heart and words by the power of His Spirit into that which brings life into your marriage instead.

Prayer for His Blessing

“Gracious Lord, help me to be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger. Help me to be mindful of what I say both to and about my spouse. Rather than look to correct my spouse, I ask that You help me look to encourage my spouse. Create in me a pure heart and a pure spirit which seeks to bring good and not bad to those around me. Please also cause my spouse not to fall into the trap of fault-finding regarding me either. 

Give my spouse self-control over what they say to me and about me. Enable my spouse to recognize the good in me and overlook my faults. Thank You for giving us both the ability to improve in this area of our marriage as we trust in You to do just that. In Christ’s name, amen.”

from When Marriage Gets Hard

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Saving Marriage ZZ

When Marriage Gets Hard – Day 2

‘It’s better to live alone in the corner of an attic than with a quarrelsome wife in a lovely home.’ Proverbs 25:24(NLT)

‘A quarrelsome wife is as annoying as constant dripping on a rainy day.’ Proverbs 27:15(NLT)

Rather than focusing on the faults of your spouse, focus on what he or she does well. Let your words reflect an awareness of their strengths, gifts and contributions to your relationship and home. You’ll be amazed at how your spouse will seek to do even more positive things in your presence when you point out the good, and not the bad. Affirmation goes a long way toward creating an atmosphere of acceptance and mutual affection. 

And if giving the benefit of the doubt isn’t the way you naturally roll, you may want to consider how many faults you’ve brought to the table as well. Showing grace to each other in your marriage relationship rests on the foundational truth that marriage is comprised of two imperfect people seeking to live in harmony and grace. Faults abound, yes. In everyone. But they do not need to dominate your thoughts, conversations or influence your actions. If the fault is at a level that needs to be addressed for the sake of the relationship, address it. But express your disappointments in a spirit that shows honor. Be mindful not to criticize the person while bringing light to a behavior that brought you pain or concern. Then, once shared, seek a solution or approach toward improvement together. Once decided, move on. 

While these verses refer only to women, the principles in them transcend gender and can apply to both husbands or wives. They reveal to us the destructive nature of fault-finding to any marriage:

·  Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife. Proverbs 25:24

·  A quarrelsome wife is like the dripping of a leaky roof in a rainstorm. Proverbs 27:15

An atmosphere of fault-finding will destroy the intimacy in any marriage, whether it comes from the wife or the husband – or both. If this is something you’ve experienced in your marriage, or do yourself, it is best to seek its removal entirely and look for ways to build each other up through what you think, say, and do.

from When Marriage Gets Hard

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Saving Marriage ZZ

When Marriage Gets Hard – Day 1

‘Sensible people control their temper; they earn respect by overlooking wrongs.’ Proverbs 19:11(NLT)

A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense. Proverbs 19:11

An elderly grandmother went to lunch with her granddaughter who was about to get married. The granddaughter had always admired her grandparents’ marriage. She wanted to remain married for over fifty years just like they did. Thus, she took this opportunity to glean some wisdom from her grandma about how to keep a marriage strong. 

“Grandma,” she asked. “What did you do in order to have such a long and satisfying marriage?”

“Oh it’s simple,” her grandma replied without hesitation. “When I got married I decided to list ten of your granddad’s faults which, for the sake of our marriage, I would choose to overlook.” 

“You did?” the soon-to-be-bride asked. “What are some of them?” she continued, looking for an example to help her choose herself.

“I don’t know,” her grandma responded. “I actually never did list them. But whenever Granddad did something that made me fume, I’d just say to myself, ‘Lucky for him that’s one of the ten.’”

If you are married, you know by now that you did not marry a perfect human being. Everyone has faults, weaknesses and even oddities. Oftentimes, these don’t come to the surface until after you say “I do.” But living with someone 24/7 reveals a lot. Unfortunately, fault-finding is one of the most tragic things to happen to a marriage. Primarily because there are plenty of faults to be found, on both sides. 

But God instructs us on how to maintain a spirit of love and unity in our marriage when He tells us in Proverbs that it is to our own glory to overlook another’s fault. One way to do this is to always start by giving the benefit of the doubt. Rather than jump to conclusions or rash judgments about your spouse’s faults, mistakes or peculiarities, assume the best first. Let that be the foundation for your questions as you seek to understand the situation at hand. Then, if there truly is a fault in play (which there will be from time to time), overlook it. Let it pass. Let it go. Not because we are saying so but because God is. 

from When Marriage Gets Hard

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Practice Your Promise

‘But ‘God made them male and female’ from the beginning of creation. ‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together.”’ Mark 10:6-9(NLT)

Last year in the United States, we spent 72 billion dollars on wedding ceremonies. While wedding days are special days, marriage is not about the big day—it’s about the everyday. 

Think about it: we promised our spouse some pretty amazing things, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in heath, for better or for worse, and till death do us part. We convinced another person they could trust us with their heart…for life. 

If our spouse is going to know kindness on a daily basis, we have to choose to be consistently kind. If our spouse is going to know grace on a daily basis, we have to choose to give grace. If they are going to know thoughtfulness, laughter, intimacy, protection, we have to choose to give them these things. We have to practice what we promised. 

And the great news is that this plays itself out in really practical ways. 

If your spouse loves gifts, buy them one. If your spouse tends to like sex more often than you, have more sex. If your spouse loves words of encouragement, write them a note. If your spouse loves affection, be affectionate apart from sex. If your spouse wants you to spend time with them, carve out the time. Whatever speaks love to your spouse, speak it. 

When you love our spouse, even when they are irrational, even when their baggage creates an unfair tension, even when they are simply not that lovable, it is powerful for your marriage because it helps you to become… YOUR BEST US.

Action Step

Today choose one small way to practice what you promised on your wedding day. 

Prayer

God help me to remember my spouse’s face on the day we said “I do” so that I can practice what I promised. 

from Your Best Us: Marriage Is Easier Than You Think

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Respect and Love

‘For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything. For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word. He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church. And we are members of his body. As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.” This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.’ Ephesians 5:22-33(NLT)

As married couples, we can find ourselves in a negative cycle of conflict. We argue and can’t seem to get past it. It is easy to think the answer lies within the details of who is right and who is wrong. 

But typically, we are not really arguing about what we are arguing about. It’s not really about the towel being left on the floor for the 1,000th time. It’s not really about her coming home late from work…again. 

It’s about something deeper. 

Paul reveals this deeper dynamic in Ephesians 5. In verse 22, married couples are commanded to mutually respect each other because both men and women need and crave respect from their spouse. 

Later in the chapter, Paul speaks to wives and husbands separately. Wives are called to unconditionally respect their husbands. And husbands are called to unconditionally love their wives. Without respect, husbands tend to react without love. Without love, wives tend react without respect… and around and around we go. That is a negative chase that married couples often get into. 

The great news is that there is a positive chase. When wives feel loved, they tend to react with respect, when men feel respected they tend to react with love…and around and around we go. This positive chase of respect and love… can help us to become… YOUR BEST US.

Action Step

You are only responsible for changing you. Leverage your last conflict to show your spouse unconditional love and respect by letting “it” go, apologizing, or seeking to better understand. 

Prayer

God please change my heart so I can change my actions to be more loving and respectful towards my spouse. 

from Your Best Us: Marriage Is Easier Than You Think

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Love God First

‘But if I am casting out demons by the Spirit of God, then the Kingdom of God has arrived among you. For who is powerful enough to enter the house of a strong man and plunder his goods? Only someone even stronger—someone who could tie him up and then plunder his house. “Anyone who isn’t with me opposes me, and anyone who isn’t working with me is actually working against me. “So I tell you, every sin and blasphemy can be forgiven—except blasphemy against the Holy Spirit, which will never be forgiven. ‘ Matthew 12:28-31(NLT)

Most of us seem to think that the quality of our marriage depends solely on our relationships with our spouse. This is a logical thought because this is true for most of us. The condition of our marriage tends to go up or down depending on how well we are managing our marriage. 

While obviously, the dynamics between the two of you are important, there is another relationship that matters even more—your individual relationship with God.  

Quite simply, connection with God makes us better spouses. Things come out of us that can even surprise us. Things come of us that surprise our spouse. What are these things? What happens when we love God first and our spouse second? 

Galatians 5:22–23 (NIV) contains a list of the fruit we bear in our lives when we Love God First. These are called the fruit of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Those things describe the spouse most of us want to be.

By spending time with God, just like you are doing in this very moment (well done by the way), something changes inside of you that radically impacts what comes out of you. 

Putting God first allows you to love your spouse in a way you could never workday them on your own, and that helps you to become… YOUR BEST US. 

Action Step

Before you reconnect at the end of the workday, pause and pray the prayer below. 

Prayer

God, for the rest of this day, help me to love my spouse in ways that reflect You in me. 

from Your Best Us: Marriage Is Easier Than You Think

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Have Serious Fun

‘My son, pay attention to my wisdom; listen carefully to my wise counsel. Then you will show discernment, and your lips will express what you’ve learned. For the lips of an immoral woman are as sweet as honey, and her mouth is smoother than oil. But in the end she is as bitter as poison, as dangerous as a double-edged sword. Her feet go down to death; her steps lead straight to the grave. For she cares nothing about the path to life. She staggers down a crooked trail and doesn’t realize it. So now, my sons, listen to me. Never stray from what I am about to say: Stay away from her! Don’t go near the door of her house! If you do, you will lose your honor and will lose to merciless people all you have achieved. Strangers will consume your wealth, and someone else will enjoy the fruit of your labor. In the end you will groan in anguish when disease consumes your body. You will say, “How I hated discipline! If only I had not ignored all the warnings! Oh, why didn’t I listen to my teachers? Why didn’t I pay attention to my instructors? I have come to the brink of utter ruin, and now I must face public disgrace.” Drink water from your own well— share your love only with your wife. Why spill the water of your springs in the streets, having sex with just anyone? You should reserve it for yourselves. Never share it with strangers. Let your wife be a fountain of blessing for you. Rejoice in the wife of your youth. She is a loving deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts satisfy you always. May you always be captivated by her love.’ Proverbs 5:1-19(NLT)

Is having fun and intimacy in your marriage essential, or is it extra? Sure, we all like fun and intimacy. But it’s easy to think that other things in our lives are more important—things like work, kids, and chores. 

But here is the good news: God views fun and intimacy in our marriage as essential. We find these views in Proverbs 5, which was authored by Solomon.

But Solomon’s wisdom is not based on his human ability. In fact, Solomon’s own life wasn’t a great example of marriage. But the principles and the truths that God spoke through Solomon are wise all the same.

In Proverbs 5, Solomon is warning his son to protect himself and his marriage by staying away from adultery. For 17 verses Solomon tried to scare the pants on his son.

He gave him all the don’ts then he gave him a couple of do’s.

He encourages his son to be captivated with his wife, to rejoice in her always, and be delighted in her. 

In other words, one of the best ways to protect your marriage is to enjoy it.  

You see, the good news is that fun and intimacy is not extra for your marriage—they are essential… helping you to become… YOUR BEST US..

Action Step

What is one thing you can do today to make your spouse laugh or put a smile on their face? 

Prayer

God, life can get serious, too serious. Please help me to know how to bring a little fun into our marriage today. 

from Your Best Us: Marriage Is Easier Than You Think

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What Does It Take?

‘I want them to be encouraged and knit together by strong ties of love. I want them to have complete confidence that they understand God’s mysterious plan, which is Christ himself. In him lie hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge.’ Colossians 2:2-3(NLT)

Your marital habits either lead to the connection or the disconnection of your US. 

How does that statement sit with you? For many of us, it leaves us feeling discouraged. We have other habits we have tried to change and have been unsuccessful, i.e., exercising, eating healthier, staying organized. 

But marital habits are different because they’re relational. They’re relational, which means they’re emotional, and therein lies the answer. For instance:

  • When you decide to laugh off something trivial instead of picking a fight, that is emotional. That matters.  
  • When you choose to be tender when you want to be harsh, that is emotional. That matters.  
  • When you thank your spouse for providing for the family, that is emotional. That matters.  
  • When you pause in the morning to pray for your spouse, that is emotional. That matters.

For almost every couple, an unexpected moment of laughter, gentleness, respect, affirmation, or sexual connection can trigger a great day for your marriage, even in the toughest of situations. 

And when you are intentional about creating these moments on a regular basis, you create habits that take your marriage in the right direction…helping you to become YOUR BEST US.

Action Step

Do one simple thing today to show your spouse your love for them. 

Prayer

God, help me to do one little thing today that would be a big deal to my spouse. 

from Your Best Us: Marriage Is Easier Than You Think