Category: Step Father-mother

‘So the Lord was sorry he had ever made them and put them on the earth. It broke his heart. ‘ Genesis 6:6(NLT)

We waited with anticipation as the last kernel popped in the popcorn bag. We emptied the contents into a bowl, grabbed our drinks, and moved into the living room for movie night.

Instead of the latest family-friendly blockbuster, this week we decided to watch old videos of the kids. The evening started well enough, but halfway through I began to notice a problem. While our daughter’s life was well documented, our son’s was not. 

As the evening progressed, he began to look like a minor supporting actor in the story of her life. Where were the videos of his first steps, or of me reading to him in his room?

I began to lament all the missed opportunities and hoped that he didn’t notice the discrepancy. As the second child, we simply didn’t give him as much attention. 

Our children grow quickly. It is hard to be a parent without harboring some regrets. We could have read more stories, gone to more games, done more family devotionals, laughed more, and yelled less. Looking back, it is easy to second-guess ourselves and feel we could have done better.

This guilt is amplified every time one of our kids makes a bad decision. Parents often feel great guilt over their kid’s lifestyle choices. We start to wonder, could their bad behavior be our fault? But we need to keep in mind that even if we could have managed to be the perfect parents, there are still no guarantees. Our kids might not make good choices. They are, after all, choices. 

God is a perfect Father, lovingly balancing mercy with justice. Yet despite His perfection, His children choose to rebel against Him all of the time. Despite our tendency to rebel, God continues to pursue us, and we can do the same with our children.

If you have regrets over your parenting or the decisions your children have made, you can take some comfort in knowing that you are not responsible for your child’s decisions. All we can do is point our children in the right direction, and it’s never too late to make amends.

Start by praying for your children. If you need to apologize to them for mistakes you have made, do so. Then find ways to reinsert yourself into their lives.

My son was a teenager when I finally started reading to him at night. Two years and 12 novels later, it’s become one of his favorite times of the day. 

No matter how old your kids are, there is still time.

Pray: Lord, thank You for the gift of this day. Show me how I can use it to draw closer to my child, and help my child draw closer to You.

from Like Arrows

‘My child, listen to what I say, and treasure my commands. Tune your ears to wisdom, and concentrate on understanding. Cry out for insight, and ask for understanding. Search for them as you would for silver; seek them like hidden treasures. Then you will understand what it means to fear the Lord , and you will gain knowledge of God.’ Proverbs 2:1-5(NLT)

 “But why?”

All parents will eventually be faced with this question. In their full form, these words are often accompanied by sad eyes, a quivering lip, and a voice on the edge of a meltdown. We might try to assuage our children with carefully thought out explanations. We might even quote Bible verses, but the more we talk, the worse the situation gets. 

Sometimes it seems our words are going over our kid’s head. That’s because they probably are. Young brains are not developed enough to be able to process all of our reasons. Often, the emotions surrounding being told “no” are so strong, they cannot hear anything else.

Yet, even if our children manage to keep their composure, parenting young kids via negotiation doesn’t end well. It gives far too much power to the child. By the time the teenage years come along, we will have already negotiated away most of our parental rights.

Children need to be taught to obey us, even if they don’t agree with us. “Because I said so,” is a valid response at times. This is called positional authority—they listen and obey because you are the parent. This is similar to authority that a teacher or police officer would have in your child’s life. They obey first and ask questions later.

Exercising positional authority is important to establish, but parents can get into trouble if they rely solely on positional authority throughout the entirety of their child’s development. It can also be problematic for another close family member, like a stepparent, who by nature of the blended relationship, often has less positional authority than they realize. 

As children get older, they need to slowly be invited into the decision-making process. Without relinquishing your authority, begin to expose them to your logic. Help them to understand the “why” behind your decisions. When you do this, your goal becomes less about securing their compliance, and more about teaching them to make good decisions themselves. Slowly, they choose to listen to you, not because you make them, but because they trust you and agree with your logic. 

The next step is to give them the freedom to fail in order to test and examine their own “whys.” It can be scary, but by allowing them to experience the natural consequences of some poor choices when they are young, they can avoid much more serious consequences later in life.

When our children can embrace our “why,” it makes the task of releasing them much easier because we can be sure of the direction they are headed.

Pray: Lord, help me stay close to You so that the “why” that I teach my children is really Your “why.”

from Like Arrows

‘But to all who believed him and accepted him, he gave the right to become children of God. ‘ John 1:12(NLT)

A child’s quest to understand his or her own identity will always be filtered through his or her understanding of what it means to be your child. As your child, they are part of something bigger than themselves. They are a member of a family. This comes with rights and privileges, like access to you, your love, resources, and support. It comes with heritage and community, with grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, siblings, and family friends. It also comes with responsibilities like obeying you, following the rules of your household, doing chores, etc. 

Your family values, whether spoken or unspoken, are ingrained in your children at an early age. When they hear of God’s invitation to join His family, these filters will come into play. As you begin to point them toward the target of a living faith, help them to see both the similarities and the differences of becoming a member of God’s family. 

Use your parenting flaws as an opportunity to show how God forgives us and to explain how His parenting is always perfect, even when we’re not. Don’t be afraid to ask your children for forgiveness for the ways you’ve sinned against them.

There are several lessons in this. First, as a child of God, they will have forgiveness for their sins and the righteousness of Christ imparted on them. Second, they learn firsthand how to extend forgiveness to others. Your confession exemplifies the unconditional love they are to show their neighbors when they become members of the family of faith, the church, and part of a larger community. 

When they join the family of God, they will also have new responsibilities, like obeying God and following His path for their lives.

No two children were created to follow the exact same path. As they grow and mature, study their specific abilities, passions, and personalities. Then help each child to discover how they can individually honor God by using their unique gifts.

Often, God designs our children to fulfill a much different role in life than us. It can be difficult when God’s path doesn’t match our expectations. But we must be careful not to interfere with His plan. Our children will always do better living according to God’s plan for their lives than they will living for ours.

Our children were created for a purpose, and it’s our goal as parents to help them discover what that purpose is.

Pray: Lord, thank You for Your invitation to be adopted into Your family. Give me wisdom as I guide my child to consider Your invitation and one day accept it. 

from Like Arrows

‘So God created human beings in his own image. In the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.’ Genesis 1:27(NLT)

Children depend on their parents for everything. To their eyes, we are like superheroes, able to lift them into the air with one arm, make the monsters under the bed evaporate, and turn tears into laughter with a well-placed raspberry. They want to be like us one day. 

That’s a sobering thought. As a parent, you are your child’s first and most enduring image of manhood or womanhood. What they see in your gender is the way they will define manhood and womanhood throughout their lives.

Are you gentle? Then they will see gentleness in your gender as normal and a quality to be emulated. Are you forceful? Then forcefulness is normal. Your children are miniature reflections of you. You might even call them image bearers. In their eyes, normal is defined by the consistent character qualities they see in you.

Genesis 1:27 says that we are created in the image of God, both male and female. Two genders were required to reflect the many different aspects of His image. Both genders have equal worth, yet each was designed to reflect God’s glory and achieve His purposes in unique ways.

Being a boy or a girl is more than adhering to typical male/female gender stereotypes. We need to help our children understand their intrinsic personality bent and to see how they can use it to reflect the image of God in their grown-up roles one day. Girls are women in training, and boys are men in training. 

Far too often, our limited understanding of masculinity and femininity creates more confusion than is necessary. Is your son gentle and tenderhearted? Don’t try to make him “man up.” Instead, help him to understand the nurturing, self-sacrificing side of masculinity. Show him how restraint is often the most courageous choice a man can make. Show him how true leadership requires that we listen to and understand the ones we lead. 

Is your daughter wild and wired for battle? Don’t try to force her to play with dolls and like pink. Help her to understand how her natural grit can be used to engage in spiritual battles as a woman. God refers to Himself as an ever-present help in times of trouble. The role of a helper is not a passive role. It requires strength and a natural ability to carry the burdens of others. 

Our sons and daughters were created to bear the image of God, not the masculine or feminine images in our minds. When we focus on helping them to reflect His image, we discover that His image is more robust than we could have ever imagined. 

 Pray: Lord, thank You for designing my child to be unique. Give me wisdom as I guide my [son to develop godly masculine or daughter to develop godly femininity] for your glory.

from Like Arrows

‘And you must commit yourselves wholeheartedly to these commands that I am giving you today. Repeat them again and again to your children. Talk about them when you are at home and when you are on the road, when you are going to bed and when you are getting up. Tie them to your hands and wear them on your forehead as reminders. Write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.’ Deuteronomy 6:6-9(NLT)

How much time do you spend with your children?

Your answer will likely depend on a variety of factors such as their age, whether or not you homeschool, your work schedule, and whether your children still live with you. 

Yet regardless of the actual number of hours spent in the same room, what really matters is how much time is spent engaging with your child one-on-one. Parenting takes more than just proximity; it takes purposeful engagement. 

In Deuteronomy 6:6-9 we see a parent that is purposefully engaged. The beauty of it is that it is not asking us to add another task to our already crowded to-do lists. Instead, it encourages us to take advantage of the natural moments that we should already experience in our homes. 

When you sit in your house: Take advantage of the natural opportunities that occur at mealtime. Put the cell phones away, look each other in the eyes, and talk. Every family faces difficult situations—troubles with kids at school or maybe a news tragedy close to home. Find ways to relate those circumstances with biblical truths.

When you walk by the way: How many hours a week do you spend driving your kids around? Turn down the music, take away the tablets, and take advantage of your captive audience. 

When you lie down: The combination of tiredness and the general feelings of security associated with being in bed under the covers makes many kids more willing to talk at bedtime. Take advantage of these moments as long as you can. But keep in mind, consistency is key. You won’t know when your kid will be ready to talk to you, but if you consistently make yourself available, you’ll be there when the moment comes.

When you rise: You can easily set the tone for the day with a simple prayer over your children in the morning, for example, “Lord, thank You for giving us this day, help us to live it for You. Amen”

We are often so overwhelmed with responsibilities that we can feel as though we have very little energy left after work to engage. Often, all we long for is a moment of quiet. So instead of engaging, we retreat and leave our kids to entertain themselves with their screen of choice.

God is not asking us to add another task to our list. He’s asking that we include Him in the things that we are already doing. When we do, we realize we already have all the time we need.

Pray: Lord, please help me to make the most of the time that I spend with my kids. Help us to turn away from screens and turn toward each other. 

from Like Arrows

‘My child, don’t reject the Lord ’s discipline, and don’t be upset when he corrects you. For the Lord corrects those he loves, just as a father corrects a child in whom he delights.’ Proverbs 3:11-12(NLT)

I firmly told my son that he would not be allowed to leave the room until he cleaned up the mess he made! The problem was, we had to leave soon to go to our friend’s house. If he didn’t hurry, we’d be late.

As the minutes ticked away, I contemplated what to do. Should I forget about it, do it for him, or should we leave and pick up this lesson later? If my goal was just a clean room, I might have cleaned it myself. But I wanted my son to know that procrastination is not a strategy to get out of unpleasant responsibilities. 

So, I handed my wife the car keys and told her that I hoped to join her later. Then I sat on the floor next to my son and said, “Your move.”

After about 30 minutes of silently staring at each other, he finally gave in, cleaned up his toys, and we left to catch up with my wife in our other car.

It’s not fun to discipline our children. Our time with them is often so short that we prefer to spend it doing things that seem more loving. Yet, loving our children without discipline is not love at all. Ultimately, it sends the message that we would rather let our children travel down a dangerous path and risk their eternal destiny than do something that might make them mad at us. This is not love; this is fear.

True love takes courage—to face the screams, tears, temper tantrums, quivering lower lips, the condemnation of peers, the judgmental stares of strangers, the “I hate you! You don’t love me’s,” and the occasional missed appointment. 

When we truly love, we can face all these and more because our eyes are looking beyond the temporary discomfort toward the target, which is passing on a living faith to our children.

Discipline is more than just an event like a timeout or a spanking; it is a lifestyle of consistently calling our children to adhere to a standard. Thankfully, we have a wide assortment of tools available to us to adjust our children’s trajectory. 

Sometimes, all it takes is a stern look. Other times, it requires a detailed explanation, a redirection of their attention, or some kind of consequence for their behavior. And still other times might call for us to strategically overlook an offense as we work to teach an even greater lesson. 

Every circumstance and every child is different. There is no one-size-fits-all approach. Parenting requires constant modification and adjustment as our children grow and mature. If one approach isn’t working, try something new. 

Remember, “The Lord disciplines those he loves” (Proverbs 3:12 NIV). A lifestyle of discipline is really a lifestyle of love.

Pray: Lord, a consistent lifestyle of discipline is hard to maintain. My fears, busyness, distractions, and sins often prevent me from loving my child through consistent discipline. Give me the wisdom and stamina to discipline like You do.

from Like Arrows

‘Direct your children onto the right path, and when they are older, they will not leave it.’ Proverbs 22:6(NLT)

The mounted archer was one of the most feared warriors on the ancient battlefield, dominating with a combined mastery of riding and shooting. It is perhaps the most difficult form of archery there is. The world is flying by in a blur. You must control your horse, compensate for being jostled in your saddle, and hit a target, which may itself be moving.

If you are a parent, you can probably relate. The pace of life is fast, and distractions are everywhere. Many of us are holding onto the reins with all we have, just trying not to fall. Yet somehow, we must also successfully launch our children at the right target.

This is not easy.

To be successful, we must master two different skills. Before a mounted archer can ever consider successfully launching an arrow at a target, he or she must first learn to control the direction and speed of their horse.

In life, this might mean saying no to certain activities to slow the pace. It might mean practicing certain spiritual disciplines such as prayer, Bible reading, or meditation to gain more self-control. If your own life is running out of control, it will be hard to be the parent that your child needs.  

The second skill is shooting the arrow, even while life is going full speed ahead. Being able to find and focus on the target is crucial. But what is the target that we should launch our children toward? Do we work to launch them toward a good education, financial success, moral behavior, or some combination of all three? There are so many contradictory messages that it can be hard to know where to focus.  

Dennis Rainey, co-founder of FamilyLife says, “Your most important job as a parent is to pass on a living faith—from parent to child.” While education, success, and morality are good things, they are not the most important. Your child’s relationship with God is the most important thing. It is the only thing that is eternal.  

But, prioritizing God isn’t always easy. What if your child had to choose between studying God’s Word or for the math test tomorrow? Would you be okay with a lower test score if it meant a deeper love for God? What if the choice were between a high-paying job and a ministry opportunity?

Our choices may not always be so drastic, but knowing which target we are ultimately aiming for can make decisions like these easier.

Pray: Father, help me to better control the pace of my life so that I can keep my focus clearly on You and pass on a living faith to my child.  

from Like Arrows

‘Children are a gift from the Lord ; they are a reward from him. Children born to a young man are like arrows in a warrior’s hands. How joyful is the man whose quiver is full of them! He will not be put to shame when he confronts his accusers at the city gates.’ Psalms 127:3-5(NLT)

I remember the first time I shot an arrow. After a very brief lesson, I stood at the line, pointed my arrow at the target, pulled back firmly, and fired. I would love to say that I hit the bullseye on the first try. Actually, I would love to say that my arrow hit anything. Much to my embarrassment, my arrow flopped off my bow, tumbled briefly through the air, skirted along the ground, and stopped a few feet away. My second arrow didn’t fare much better.

After about 30 minutes of frustrating practice, I managed to get my arrow to fly in an awkward sideways trajectory and barely stick into the wooden frame holding the target. Clearly, this would take some effort to master.

When the psalmist compares children to arrows in the hands of a warrior, he evokes images of strength and power. He makes us feel as though we are in a battle and that our children can help us win.  

But there are other ways that children are like arrows. An arrow must be carefully crafted, well balanced, and straight. The archer must see the target clearly. He must apply the proper tension on the string, making constant adjustments for wind and distance. And, when the moment is right, he must properly release the arrow to fly.

As parents, we must work to shape and form our children’s character and values. We must discipline them and make constant adjustments to our approach in response to our environment and various headwinds.  

The problem is, most of us get even less training in parenting than I did at archery. The doctor hands us our child, gives some basic instructions, and before we know it we’re on our own, making mistake after mistake.

Over the course of the next 18 years, we stand at the firing line, tensioning the string and aiming, all in anticipation of the eventual release.

But unlike archery, we only get one shot.

If we pull too tightly, our children might soar right past the target. Pull too loosely, and they might fail to fly at all. To do it right, we need training.  

Thankfully, God has provided everything we need in His Word. Will you join us?

In our next session, we will talk about focusing on the target.

Pray: Lord, thank You for trusting me with such an amazing responsibility. I want to launch my children well, but I confess that I often don’t know what I’m doing. Please speak to me over these next eight days. Give me the humility to admit my mistakes, the courage to learn new ways, and the strength to submit to Your will. Help me to be the parent that my children need. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

from Like Arrows