Category: Saving Marriage

‘It’s not good to eat too much honey, and it’s not good to seek honors for yourself.’ Proverbs 25:27(NLT)

‘They are headed for destruction. Their god is their appetite, they brag about shameful things, and they think only about this life here on earth. But we are citizens of heaven, where the Lord Jesus Christ lives. And we are eagerly waiting for him to return as our Savior. ‘ Philippians 3:19-20(NLT)

It’s interesting how God works in our lives. As I began studying to write this reading plan, I looked at the list of “deadly sins” and thought to myself when I looked at gluttony, “Well, there’s one I don’t have to worry about!” Then as I dug into it, I realized that I am just as vulnerable to gluttony as any of the rest of these sins.  

I originally checked off the overeating thing. I thought that other than Thanksgiving and a few other scattered times during the year, I don’t do that. Yet, as I looked closer, I think that “pursuit of pleasure” part of gluttony hit me square between the eyes. There are foods I crave and when they are in front of me, it is difficult to not overeat. Later I am miserable. The only way my overeating affects Nancy is that she has to hear me moan and grown into the night. 

I think where it can affect our marriage and yours is in the pursuit of pleasure. In the world we live in, that is easy to get caught up in. Whether it is food, drink, wealth or some other pleasure. It’s interesting that King Solomon back in the early part of the Old Testament also struggled with almost every kind of pleasure imaginable. He even had seven hundred wives and 300 concubines. I can’t even begin to address that! The bottom line for King Solomon though was this: With all the excesses, with all the pleasures, with all the gluttony, he said these words, “Everything is meaningless.”  Wow!  

The bottom line is this: We have a God that loves us more than we could ever know.  He has given us marriages to enhance our lives and to help us learn the joys of relationship. The world has pleasures. Many of them are fine as long as we keep them in perspective and see them as gifts from God. Solomon took it too far expecting all the gluttonous pleasures to bring him great pleasure and found that they did not.  Without God, pleasures are meaningless and gluttony is a dead end street. The pursuit of pleasure can take us out of our marriages and all the dreams we had of having an Awesome Marriage.

Today’s Challenge: 

When do you put your marriage aside for other pursuits?

Going Deeper:

1. What are the images that come into your mind when you hear the word gluttony?

2. How does gluttony become a heart issue?

3. Which of these pursuits are you most vulnerable to?

• Food
• Drink
• Wealth

4. What areas of pursuit do you need to address?

from Seven Deadly Sins And Your Marriage by Dr. Kim Kimberling

‘Pay careful attention to your own work, for then you will get the satisfaction of a job well done, and you won’t need to compare yourself to anyone else. ‘ Galatians 6:4(NLT)

‘Then I observed that most people are motivated to success because they envy their neighbors. But this, too, is meaningless—like chasing the wind.’ Ecclesiastes 4:4(NLT)

‘A peaceful heart leads to a healthy body; jealousy is like cancer in the bones.’ Proverbs 14:30(NLT)

In our entire marriage, I don’t remember a time that Nancy was envious of me or I was envious of her. We are good at celebrating each other’s successes. We are good at complimenting each other and bragging on each other. It’s when we look away from our marriage and all the blessings God has given us that envy can be a problem.  

We have always had a nice home to live in. Our first home was perfect for us. Today you might call it a “starter” home. Realistically, we could have lived in that home our entire marriage, but we didn’t. Other couple friends that married around the same time we did began moving from their “starter” homes. We began looking past our front yard to others’ front yards. They were bigger and so were the houses that sat on them. I don’t think we saw it as envy then but looking back, it was. We had everything we needed in that first home; besides, a “starter” home is completely a first world concept anyway.

Then there was the Christmas that our next door neighbor got a brand new foreign-made sports car. This time there was no doubt I was envious. It was one of those cars that guys dream about. At least I did. It was also more money than I ever needed to spend on a car, so I didn’t.

Now there is nothing wrong with moving to a new home or buying a sports car.  At least there is nothing wrong on the surface. The key is being honest with yourself and your spouse. Is it a purchase born out of envy? If so, then it is time for a heart check with God. If not, I still think it is important to take it before God in prayer. Let Him guide both of you in these important decisions. God will never give you an answer that is not the best for each of you and your marriage.

Today’s Challenge: 

What are some of the ways to enjoy who you are, who you are with, and what you have?

Going Deeper:

1. What are some of the ways that we can envy others?

2. Contentment is being satisfied with what you have. How difficult is that for us in our culture? Why?

3. What are some ways to “water your own grass”?

4. Is envy controlling your life today? If so, will you bring it before God and ask His help?

from Seven Deadly Sins And Your Marriage by Dr. Kim Kimberling

‘God’s will is for you to be holy, so stay away from all sexual sin. Then each of you will control his own body and live in holiness and honor— not in lustful passion like the pagans who do not know God and his ways. ‘ 1 Thessalonians 4:3-5(NLT)

‘Run from sexual sin! No other sin so clearly affects the body as this one does. For sexual immorality is a sin against your own body. ‘ 1 Corinthians 6:18(NLT)

‘The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure.’ 1 Corinthians 10:13(NLT)

‘But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart. ‘ Matthew 5:28(NLT)

If we look at the Ten Commandments to see what they says about sex, most people breathe a sigh of relief because it says “don’t commit adultery.” Almost everyone entering marriage would say that is a line they will not cross. Their intent and desire is to be faithful to their spouse “till death do them part.” Then a few thousand years later when Jesus came to this earth, He took it up a notch—a big notch. Jesus said that if we even look at a woman lustfully in our heart that is the same as committing adultery. That changes the definition. We go from the “faithful” line to the “committed adultery” line—not a good move at all.

Jesus has a way of changing things and it’s not because He wants to make things difficult for us. That’s not it at all. What He wants is for us to live full, abundant lives and to have full, abundant marriages, and he knows lust has no business in either.

You may be saying to yourself, “Okay. I get that but how? How do I keep my thoughts and mind pure in this culture? It seems almost impossible.” You know what? I agree. In fact, I’ll take it one step farther. In our culture today it is impossible—without God’s help. The good news is that He does help. He will help you keep your thoughts pure.  He will help you keep your sexual desire for your spouse only. He will remind you to look the other way when you need to. Jesus in no way gave us that new interpretation of adultery without giving us the ability to keep the command. Your role? Give that area of your life over to Him. You will be amazed what He will do!

Today’s Challenge: 

What are paths that “honor your marriage” when it comes to lust?

Going Deeper:

1. How is “lust” viewed in our culture today?

2. How do you define lusting in your heart?

3. Dr. Kim says the best sex ever is in the context of a Christian marriage. What does he mean by that?

4. If lust is an issue for you, will you take a first step toward healing today?

from Seven Deadly Sins And Your Marriage by Dr. Kim Kimberling

‘Pride goes before destruction, and haughtiness before a fall.’ Proverbs 16:18(NLT)

‘Pride ends in humiliation, while humility brings honor.’ Proverbs 29:23(NLT)

‘Live in harmony with each other. Don’t be too proud to enjoy the company of ordinary people. And don’t think you know it all!’ Romans 12:16(NLT)

‘Oh, don’t worry; we wouldn’t dare say that we are as wonderful as these other men who tell you how important they are! But they are only comparing themselves with each other, using themselves as the standard of measurement. How ignorant! We will not boast about things done outside our area of authority. We will boast only about what has happened within the boundaries of the work God has given us, which includes our working with you. We are not reaching beyond these boundaries when we claim authority over you, as if we had never visited you. For we were the first to travel all the way to Corinth with the Good News of Christ. Nor do we boast and claim credit for the work someone else has done. Instead, we hope that your faith will grow so that the boundaries of our work among you will be extended. Then we will be able to go and preach the Good News in other places far beyond you, where no one else is working. Then there will be no question of our boasting about work done in someone else’s territory. As the Scriptures say, “If you want to boast, boast only about the Lord .” When people commend themselves, it doesn’t count for much. The important thing is for the Lord to commend them.’ 2 Corinthians 10:12-18(NLT)

For me, staying away from pride takes a gut check. It is a time-out with just me and God. It’s when I stop everything else and focus on Him. It’s me listening to my Creator.  Really listening. It’s something that I have to do.  

There are so many other voices that tell me nice things. There are the people I counsel who are grateful for the help they receive. There are the people who read my books or blogs or other things that I write and tell me how these made a difference for them.  Then there are emails and podcast comments and other things that are usually complimentary. My pride comes when I begin to believe that I really did all of the above on my own. The truth is that all of these accolades are really for God because without Him I truly could do nothing.  

At the end of every day, I walk in our home and find a wife that sees me as I am. The nice things people write and say about me mean nothing to her if she does not see me unselfishly loving her and helping build our marriage. The gut check comes when I begin to believe the lie that I did it all myself. It comes when I see my pride getting in the way of everything God tells me is important. My pride has no place in my life or in my marriage. It never works in either place.

Today’s Challenge: 

How can pride affect a relationship in a negative way?

Going Deeper:

1. What are some of the “good sides” of pride?

2. As men, how can pride affect our marriages?

3. As women, how can pride affect our marriages?

4. What are ways that we are vulnerable to putting ourselves in the center instead of God?

from Seven Deadly Sins And Your Marriage by Dr. Kim Kimberling

‘Lazy people irritate their employers, like vinegar to the teeth or smoke in the eyes.’ Proverbs 10:26(NLT)

‘Those too lazy to plow in the right season will have no food at the harvest.’ Proverbs 20:4(NLT)

‘Work willingly at whatever you do, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people. Remember that the Lord will give you an inheritance as your reward, and that the Master you are serving is Christ. ‘ Colossians 3:23-24(NLT)

In my book “7 Secrets to an Awesome Marriage,” the final secret is fight. It  is all about fighting together on the same team for your marriage. This manifests itself in many different ways as each couple is unique. How one couple ends up fighting together for their marriage will vary from what another couple fights for in their marriage. The key is that when we fight together we are on the same team. We are seeking the same things for our marriage. It’s the “two are better than one” concept. 

As I look at the couples that have come to me for marriage counseling over the years, there is a commonality to many of them. They just got lazy. They quit pursuing. They quit putting out effort. They quit doing the things that won each other’s hearts in the first place. Sloth.  

To have an Awesome Marriage, you have to work together every day to build that marriage. It is being intentional today, tomorrow and all the future tomorrows. There is no time off. There is no vacation from marriage. Yet, there is not another relationship God has given us in this life that can be more fulfilling than the marriage relationship.

Sloth seems to be the extreme of laziness. Sloth destroys, laziness damages, and neither will work in a marriage.  

Today’s Challenge: 

How has sloth crept into your marriage? How can you attack it now?

Going Deeper:

1. How do you see that “sloth” is one of the root causes of many of the problems in marriage?

2. What happens over time if one person is doing all the work in a marriage?

3. What are some of the excuses people make in a marriage to keep them from doing what they need to do?

4. What does it mean to you when Dr. Kim says it takes two people giving 110% for a marriage to work?

from Seven Deadly Sins And Your Marriage by Dr. Kim Kimberling

‘Those who love money will never have enough. How meaningless to think that wealth brings true happiness! ‘ Ecclesiastes 5:10(NLT)

‘Don’t love money; be satisfied with what you have. For God has said, “I will never fail you. I will never abandon you.”’ Hebrews 13:5(NLT)

‘Then he said, “Beware! Guard against every kind of greed. Life is not measured by how much you own.”’ Luke 12:15(NLT)

Greed: wanting something so much that we put everything else at risk. Greed is something I think we can all be vulnerable to. It can manifest itself in a number of ways.  For some it may be wealth and power. For others it may be selfish desires. I think the transition from simply wanting something a lot to greed happens when our focus shifts from God’s desire for us to our own desire. Everything gets thrown out of sync. Our important commitments and the things we know are best get put aside for the want that now has our complete attention. We set the spouse we promised to love and cherish on the sidelines. The God we dedicated our life to is pushed as far back as we can push Him. Now life revolves around what we want, and we don’t let anything or anyone get in our way.  

You know what’s interesting? I don’t know anyone who struggles with greed who intended to do so. I think greed is something that creeps up on many of us. It may start with a little success that we want more of. It may begin with a promotion that gives us a little more power. Whatever the source, our focus shifts and the things we once valued, like our marriage, are tossed aside. I have talked to men and women who got so caught up in the lies of greed that they didn’t realize what they were losing until too late.

We cannot give greed an inch because if we do, it will destroy our life and our marriage. It goes back to keeping God Number One and our spouse Number Two. If we do that consistently day after day, there is no room in our lives for greed.  

Today’s Challenge: 

How are you vulnerable to power and wealth?

Going Deeper:

1. How can greed affect a marriage relationship?

2. What is the “ripple effect” of greed, even if it occurs outside of the family?

3. What does Dr. Kim mean when he says that greed is a heart issue?

4. What keeps us from trusting God with His plan for our lives?

from Seven Deadly Sins And Your Marriage by Dr. Kim Kimberling

‘Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. ‘ James 1:19(NLT)

‘And “don’t sin by letting anger control you.” Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry, ‘ Ephesians 4:26(NLT)

‘Dear friends, never take revenge. Leave that to the righteous anger of God. For the Scriptures say, “I will take revenge; I will pay them back,” says the Lord .’ Romans 12:19(NLT)

‘Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. ‘ Ephesians 4:31(NLT)

We have all been angry at some point in our marriage. What we don’t usually realize is that we have a choice in how we handle that anger. At times I have been angry at Nancy. Sometimes I have handled my anger better than others. I do really well when I remember that I have choices in my response. Yelling, screaming, or throwing things are not good ways to handle anger. These only make the situation worse. If we repeat this pattern over and over, our anger can take on a whole new dimension, to the point where we literally cannot control it. 

It seems the longer we go without addressing our anger, the worse it gets. Something happens that angers us and we go from zero to sixty in a split second. The anger escalates to rage and at this point reeling it back in is extremely difficult, if not impossible. Now we have anger on steroids, or wrath. It is a place we never intend to go but unless we get in the habit of handling our anger in a healthy way, we are all vulnerable to wrath. 

How do we do that? Every time you are angry at your spouse, two things need to happen. First, the issue needs to be resolved. Don’t move forward until this is done. If you need help, get it. Second, forgiveness. It does not matter who was more wrong or right. Forgiveness has to happen. It’s something that God tells us to do and like everything else He tells us to do, He equips us to do it. Don’t let your anger get out of control. Take it before God and let Him bring His healing into that area of your life and your marriage.  

Today’s Challenge: 

Is there something you are struggling to forgive that you need to take before God today? Will you take that step?

Going Deeper:

1. The Bible says, “in your anger, do not sin.” How does this apply to your marriage?

2. What is the difference between anger and wrath?

3. What are some of the things you let build up inside that could someday cause an eruption?

4. What makes it difficult for us to forgive?

from Seven Deadly Sins And Your Marriage by Dr. Kim Kimberling

‘Remember, it is sin to know what you ought to do and then not do it.’ James 4:17(NLT)

‘Abel also brought a gift—the best portions of the firstborn lambs from his flock. The Lord accepted Abel and his gift, but he did not accept Cain and his gift. This made Cain very angry, and he looked dejected. “Why are you so angry?” the Lord asked Cain. “Why do you look so dejected? You will be accepted if you do what is right. But if you refuse to do what is right, then watch out! Sin is crouching at the door, eager to control you. But you must subdue it and be its master.”’ Genesis 4:4-7(NLT)

If you did not grow up in the Catholic Church, you may not have heard the term “seven deadly sins.” As I understand it, these “deadly sins” were behaviors or habits that could lead a person into sin. Today the word “vice” is more familiar to most of us and I think helps us understand this concept and the applications I want us to make. A vice can be a fault or an unhealthy or bad habit. It is usually associated with a default in our character rather than our morality. Unchecked, these character defaults can lead to behaviors that can take a toll on us and those around us. Specifically, we will look at each of these as it relates to marriage. We will peel back the layers to uncover the root that can be “deadly” and ultimately destructive to a marriage. We will have the opportunity to open our hearts to God and to let Him bring restoration and healing.  

Today’s Challenge: 

How can attitudes that lie deep within your heart affect your marriage relationship in a negative way?

Going Deeper:

1. Share a time in your life when you were “blindsided” by a negative attitude or action.

2. At first glance, which of the “seven deadly sins” have you struggled with in your life? Share your answer.

Wrath

Greed

Sloth

Pride

Lust

Envy

Gluttony

3. How could each of these affect a marriage relationship?

4. What does it mean to you when Dr. Kim says that we are “overcomers”?

from Seven Deadly Sins And Your Marriage by Dr. Kim Kimberling