Category: Saving Marriage

‘Instead, God chose things the world considers foolish in order to shame those who think they are wise. And he chose things that are powerless to shame those who are powerful. ‘ 1 Corinthians 1:27(NLT)

‘Not that I was ever in need, for I have learned how to be content with whatever I have. ‘ Philippians 4:11(NLT)

‘Yet true godliness with contentment is itself great wealth. ‘ 1 Timothy 6:6(NLT)

The first ten years of Kenny and Erin’s marriage seemed pretty easy. Kenny’s business grew and Erin worked part-time only when she wanted to. Then an economic downturn pushed them into bankruptcy. 

Like scalpels, thorns slice deep. There’s the incision, the blood, and the throbbing pain. Extraction causes tender wounds. Then comes the healing, and it takes time. For Kenny and Erin, this included coming to terms with their loss, picking up the broken pieces, and finding faith to slowly rebuild. They learned to bear the regret, reject the shame, and adjust to new financial realities. As they were faithful to talk, confess, pray together, and ask for help, they noticed a change in how they viewed what God had already provided them. 

When life was about strength and success, Kenny and Erin were rarely content with what they had. They felt entitled to a certain quality of life, and they saw hardships and weaknesses as unnecessary intrusions, things to endure and find relief from as quickly as possible. Their marriage existed in part to help each other survive the bad times so they could enjoy the good times.

Trouble was, their search for satisfaction never seemed to end. In fact, the older they got, the higher their standards for satisfaction became. Then came their thorn, and what satisfied would never be the same. 

Kenny and Erin had never known sharp division in their marriage, but they also hadn’t experienced the sweet unity that came after their loss. Kenny and Erin’s newfound position of weakness also helped them to see God’s many gifts with clearer eyes, and, they felt less fearful of future calamities. A deeper faith ignited in them a fuller appreciation of their experience of salvation.

They learned to live satisfied today—not because they have all they desire, but because in Christ they have received more than they deserve. Kenny and Erin began to see that their circumstances don’t need to change in order for them to be satisfied in life. Because of the amazing riches of Christ, they can be “content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities,” for when they are weak, then they are strong (2 Corinthians 12:10).

Like strength in weakness and satisfaction in loss, name a circumstance when God showed you His power unexpectedly.

from I Still Do by Dave Harvey

‘You rescue the humble, but you humiliate the proud.’ Psalms 18:27(NLT)

‘Pride leads to disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom.’ Proverbs 11:2(NLT)

‘The high and lofty one who lives in eternity, the Holy One, says this: “I live in the high and holy place with those whose spirits are contrite and humble. I restore the crushed spirit of the humble and revive the courage of those with repentant hearts.’ Isaiah 57:15(NLT)

I have a confession. In my first few years of marriage, I saw myself as God’s gift to the institution. I imagined the ways God might use our marriage to exalt the wisdom of biblical gender roles, establish a potent specimen of marital godliness, or spotlight my leadership savvy. It would be my starring role!

But getting married didn’t make me sparkle. It exposed my weakness. In regretful ways, I trusted in my own strength and what that strength could produce. So God gave me a thorn that brought my self-assessment back to earth. The thorn was a job for which I was equal parts underqualified and overconfident. It revealed the shabby foundations in my life, which came into full view the day my wife said, “You missed our anniversary.”

My eyes filled with tears. I had been working so hard that I completely missed the arrival and departure of that momentous day. Never, never in a million years did I see myself as an anniversary-skipping kind of husband. Not when I tried so hard to cover all of my bases. Not when I was throwing my best leadership at life. But it happened. In my ambition to excel, I failed to prioritize our marriage. I failed to honor my wife. 

“I’m so ashamed,” I whispered. “Please forgive me.”

“Of course I forgive you,” she responded. “You’ve been working like a lunatic. Let’s celebrate it tonight!” 

My wife’s gracious forgiveness flipped a switch in my mind. My illusion of myself as a consistently strong and attentive husband had to be downgraded. I’m not omnicompetent. I’m really a weak man who needs a strong Savior, so “I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me” (2 Corinthians 12:9).

Humility is essential to a marriage that endures. A humble acceptance of our own responsibility and an ongoing awareness of our culpability as sinners helps us to daily depend on God’s amazing grace and sufficiency instead of our own. It reminds us that we are not the Creator but creatures. We have not arrived; we’re just pilgrims journeying toward our eternal home.

How have you experienced God’s help through mistakes you’ve made in your marriage?

from I Still Do by Dave Harvey

‘Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. ‘ 2 Corinthians 12:9(NLT)

‘God saved you by his grace when you believed. And you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God. Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it. ‘ Ephesians 2:8-9(NLT)

‘So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most.’ Hebrews 4:16(NLT)

In marriage, thorns don’t pierce only one party. Our spouse may get pricked, but both of us bleed. After three pregnancies, Ellen cursed the twenty-five pounds she couldn’t shed. Getting naked and becoming self-forgetful enough to enjoy sex seemed like another life. Ellen’s husband insisted she was still beautiful, still sexy, still desirable. But this just frustrated her more. Ellen prayed for help losing the weight many times, but nothing changed. God seemed to be saying no. 

Our thorns aren’t mass-produced for sale at Walmart. They are highly personalized, encoded with a customized purpose for each of us, even if we don’t know what that purpose is. God may have allowed Ellen’s weight gain to suppress vanity or an idolatry of her appearance. Perhaps God was at work cultivating an inner beauty. Maybe this was about her marriage. Perhaps there were lessons of love God wanted to nurture in Ellen and her husband, teaching them that over time sex should be less about physical attraction and more about being together. Perhaps God was at work to grow her husband into a man who knows how to encourage his wife even when she hates her body.

Paul’s thorn came with no clearly discerned purpose but rather with a promise: “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Grace comes to those who redirect their attention from what God denies (an immediately discernible purpose) to what God supplies (a firm promise).

Eventually, Ellen’s gaze shifted, and her husband’s did too. They realized they were living thorn-centered rather than grace-centered lives, and they began to take small steps together. As the weeks passed, Ellen received “sufficient grace” to change the way she viewed herself. The power to change her perspective wasn’t overwhelming, just sufficient. In time, her self-consciousness gave way to a greater awareness of God. She began to see sex as God’s gift in every season, whether bodies are growing larger or smaller. And she learned to be thankful for her marriage and the miracle of three children. She now lives more confident and hopeful because God’s power is working through her weakness.

How might you start seeing the “thorn” in your marriage with a grace-centered perspective? Ask God to show you what He wants you to see.

from I Still Do by Dave Harvey

‘even though I have received such wonderful revelations from God. So to keep me from becoming proud, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger from Satan to torment me and keep me from becoming proud.’ 2 Corinthians 12:7(NLT)

‘Whatever is good and perfect is a gift coming down to us from God our Father, who created all the lights in the heavens. He never changes or casts a shifting shadow. ‘ James 1:17(NLT)

‘We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.’ Romans 5:3-5(NLT)

“A thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited,” Paul wrote.

There’s plenty of speculation about the exact nature of this thorn. Some commentators suggest it was an illness, others say persecution, and still, others say a physical malady like an eye condition or a speech defect. We really don’t know. Whatever this thorn was, it pierced Paul deeply. The thorn had Paul’s number.

But most commentators agree that the thorn-giver was God. This makes sense, doesn’t it? Why would sin or Satan want to keep Paul from being too conceited? They wouldn’t. No, God, Himself pressed this thorn into Paul’s flesh. God used a customized affliction—one that would not go away—to restrain Paul and keep him grounded. It made him weak, desperately weak. And this weakness drove him back to God.

But the thorn was also “a messenger of Satan to harass” Paul. Somehow the thorn was both the work of the devil and ordained by God. In other words, God used Satan to protect Paul from pride. Think about that. It’s mind-blowing. Jesus used the devil to produce godliness in Paul.

The next time it feels like your marriage is under assault by the enemy, remember it may be that God has fitted this weakness for your marriage to make you more desperate for Him. Whatever your thorn is, don’t sanitize it. Paul wasn’t afraid to recognize his thorn as a messenger from the evil one. But, like the crown of thorns pressed on Christ’s head, Paul saw that God had a good and glorious purpose behind the pain. 

Thorns produce weakness. And thorn-constructed weakness creates the fruit necessary for marriages to go the distance; fruit achieved in no other manner than by flesh-splitting pain. 

Are you willing to allow God to produce godliness in you via whatever means He deems best? Paul asked God three times to take away his thorn. Instead, God promised Paul grace and strength to get through. Ask God to show you His faithfulness. 

from I Still Do by Dave Harvey

‘that even though we were dead because of our sins, he gave us life when he raised Christ from the dead. (It is only by God’s grace that you have been saved!) ‘ Ephesians 2:5(NLT)

‘I came to you in weakness—timid and trembling. ‘ 1 Corinthians 2:3(NLT)

‘That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.’ 2 Corinthians 12:10(NLT)

Marriage is the union of two people on a journey to discover their weakness. The goal of such an admission is not self-loathing. That would be like saying the key to spiritual maturity or marital health is reciting the narrative of our failings to any who will hear it.

To understand why Paul would boast about his weakness, we must grasp that at its core, weakness is an experience of inability that requires dependence on God. 

Weakness is a reality in life and marriage because we are not God. We are creatures, not the Creator. We are finite and live with limitations. But it’s not merely that we’re limited as creatures, and that we’re not as smart or powerful as God. No, we are also fallen. We have sinned. Before Christ, we needed forgiveness; we needed to be born again. Apart from Jesus, we deserve wrath. Our problem is fatal. We are spiritually dead—that is, morally unable to do anything to help ourselves. We are weak, and we desperately need the help of One who is consummately strong. When we were dead, we needed Jesus, the Savior, to do for us what we were incapable of accomplishing in our own strength.

Weakness is not merely confined to salvation, as if we’re desperate for God before we come to Jesus but then convert into superhero specimens of strength. Weakness also exposes our areas of limitation, vulnerability, or susceptibility that require reliance on God. Weakness reminds us we’re not kingdom-ruling conquerors exercising omniscience, omnipotence, and omnicompetence at will. Not even close! 

Yet mysteriously and remarkably, our weakness—our daily inability—becomes a channel for the movement of God. Rather than condemning us for our inability, God chose to make our weakness the place where His power is made perfect and His strength will prevail. 

How has your marriage exposed your limitations and your need for God’s strength?

from I Still Do by Dave Harvey

‘Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. ‘ 2 Corinthians 12:9(NLT)

‘In his kindness God called you to share in his eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus. So after you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you on a firm foundation. ‘ 1 Peter 5:10(NLT)

‘For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength. ‘ Philippians 4:13(NLT)

How would you react if someone told you when you married that your weakness, and your spouse’s, would “make you strong and your marriage last long?”

Paul wrote the epistle we call 2 Corinthians during a time of great personal turmoil. A group he calls the “super-apostles” (2 Corinthians 11:5; 12:11) was planning a coup in the Corinthian church. Their strategy was a frontal assault. The goal was to subvert Paul and seduce the church over to their leadership. It was a hostile takeover dressed up in spiritual jargon.

Have you ever been in a position where forces outside of your control are undermining you or someone you love? Live long enough and everyone encounters “super-apostles.” They come in many shapes and sizes. In a marriage, it may be a physical, mental, or emotional affliction, a history of brokenness, a financial crisis, tragedy or loss, or even seductive voices tempting a spouse away from the family.

Paul couldn’t shake these guys. They were pre-internet trolls, who assaulted Paul’s competence and credibility. The primary charge leveled against Paul could be summarized in three simple words: Paul is weak! Paul must defend himself and give an account for his ministry. Second Corinthians 10–13 records Paul’s defense, but here’s where things get interesting:

In 2 Corinthians 12:7–10, Paul rolls out a paradox that seems utterly nonsensical at first blush: Paul makes weakness his defense. His argument unfolds this way: “You think I’m weak? Well, I’ve got wonderful news for you. I’m weaker than you could ever imagine. I’m gloriously weak! In fact, I want to boast about my weakness.”

Say what?! In the coming week, we’ll examine the helpfulness of his perspective in the context of a marriage.

What circumstances are assaulting your marriage and making you feel weak or helpless? 

from I Still Do by Dave Harvey