Category: Saving Marriage

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Saving Marriage ZZ

Your Not-To-Do List

‘Then God gave the people all these instructions : “I am the Lord your God, who rescued you from the land of Egypt, the place of your slavery. “You must not have any other god but me. “You must not make for yourself an idol of any kind or an image of anything in the heavens or on the earth or in the sea. You must not bow down to them or worship them, for I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God who will not tolerate your affection for any other gods. I lay the sins of the parents upon their children; the entire family is affected—even children in the third and fourth generations of those who reject me. But I lavish unfailing love for a thousand generations on those who love me and obey my commands. “You must not misuse the name of the Lord your God. The Lord will not let you go unpunished if you misuse his name. “Remember to observe the Sabbath day by keeping it holy. but the seventh day is a Sabbath day of rest dedicated to the Lord your God. On that day no one in your household may do any work. This includes you, your sons and daughters, your male and female servants, your livestock, and any foreigners living among you. For in six days the Lord made the heavens, the earth, the sea, and everything in them; but on the seventh day he rested. That is why the Lord blessed the Sabbath day and set it apart as holy. “Honor your father and mother. Then you will live a long, full life in the land the Lord your God is giving you. “You must not murder. “You must not commit adultery. “You must not steal. “You must not testify falsely against your neighbor. “You must not covet your neighbor’s house. You must not covet your neighbor’s wife, male or female servant, ox or donkey, or anything else that belongs to your neighbor.”’ Exodus 20:1-8,10-17(NLT)

‘“Do not judge others, and you will not be judged. For you will be treated as you treat others. The standard you use in judging is the standard by which you will be judged.“And why worry about a speck in your friend’s eye when you have a log in your own? ‘ Matthew 7:1-3(NLT)

The first thing I do when I get to my office in the morning is write my “things to do” list. It helps keep me on track for the day. However, as my responsibilities have grown, I have learned that I need not only create my “to do” list. I also need a “not to do” list. This is also true at home.

· Item #1: Don’t answer my wife too quickly when she talks to me. Listen first. Then speak.

· Item #2: Don’t comment so much about petty things. Give my sons more space.

· Item #3: Stop eating so much junk food for lunch. How about eating more lunches that contain some broccoli, spinach, or cabbage? 

This sounds really basic, but the concept has changed my life. Remember, most of the Ten Commandments begin with “Thou shalt not.” So remember to balance your “things to do” list with a “things not to do” list. The results will amaze you. 

from Restoring Relationships Dr. Derek Grier

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Saving Marriage ZZ

Keep It Down

‘But the officer said, “Lord, I am not worthy to have you come into my home. Just say the word from where you are, and my servant will be healed. I know this because I am under the authority of my superior officers, and I have authority over my soldiers. I only need to say, ‘Go,’ and they go, or ‘Come,’ and they come. And if I say to my slaves, ‘Do this,’ they do it.”’ Matthew 8:8-9(NLT)

‘Then they began to argue among themselves about who would be the greatest among them. Jesus told them, “In this world the kings and great men lord it over their people, yet they are called ‘friends of the people.’ But among you it will be different. Those who are the greatest among you should take the lowest rank, and the leader should be like a servant. Who is more important, the one who sits at the table or the one who serves? The one who sits at the table, of course. But not here! For I am among you as one who serves. “You have stayed with me in my time of trial. And just as my Father has granted me a Kingdom, I now grant you the right to eat and drink at my table in my Kingdom. And you will sit on thrones, judging the twelve tribes of Israel.’ Luke 22:24-30(NLT)

While I watched a famous Mafia movie, I noticed that, when life-and-death decisions were made, the godfather did not shout, jump up and down, or even turn red. He usually spoke just above a whisper. I have noticed people who are really in charge do not have to go through a bunch of gyrations to get results. All they have to do is say the word.

In Matthew 8, a Roman soldier says to Jesus, “Lord, I do not deserve to have you come under my roof. But just say the word, and my servant will be healed. For I, myself, am a man under authority, with soldiers under me.” In other words, this soldier understood power. He didn’t need to see a lightning bolt or feel the ground shake. He just needed the word spoken from someone who had the authority.

This truth really hit home for me when the Lord spoke to me after getting frustrated with my two children. He said, “If you have authority, you do not have to yell.” Oops. Our society likes to put emphasis on those who make calls, give orders, and exhibit the “Type A,” dominant characteristics of a leader. However, this isn’t the leadership model we see in the Bible.

At the last supper, Jesus said, “The greatest among you should be like the youngest, and the one who rules like the one who serves.” The Son of God, who had more authority than anyone else, demonstrated and solidified it by washing His disciples’ feet. Let’s reframe our concept of authority, and how it is played out, as we lead our families. 

from Restoring Relationships Dr. Derek Grier

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Saving Marriage ZZ

How to Make a Marriage Last

‘or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. ‘ 1 Corinthians 13:5(NLT)

‘For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. ‘ Ephesians 5:22-23(NLT)

When my wife and I were married, we were so in love. We expected the fairy tale, but instead, it seemed like the beginning of a nuclear war. We were both convinced God had us fall in love to punish us for sins future and past. She did not live up to my expectations. I did not meet hers. I responded by constantly criticizing her, and she responded by nagging and withholding affection.

The vicious cycle soon spun out of control until we realized a vital truth: we were in the same boat, and if we wanted to survive, we both needed to bail out water. It finally dawned on me that if she lost, I lost. She began to realize my loss was her loss. We decided to change our mindsets. Instead of always trying to win, both of us began to make sure the other person was always the winner.

This little change caused our marriage to take on a strength that has endured 25 years. It was no longer about what I wanted from her but what I wanted for her, and vice versa. This unlocked the practical power of 1 Corinthians 13:5. We discovered that love is simply looking for the win-win formula in every situation.

What about you? In your marriage, how do you respond when your spouse does not meet your expectations? Love is not about getting something but about giving something, as Christ gave Himself for us. Can you recall a situation in your marriage or relationship in which you compromised and you both won?

from Restoring Relationships Dr. Derek Grier

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Saving Marriage ZZ

Show People You Care

‘The heart of the godly thinks carefully before speaking; the mouth of the wicked overflows with evil words.’ Proverbs 15:28(NLT)

‘A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare.’ Proverbs 15:1(NLT)

‘Kind words are like honey— sweet to the soul and healthy for the body.’ Proverbs 16:24(NLT)

John Maxwell, leadership expert, states, “People do not care how much you know until they know how much you care.” In other words, before you attempt to direct, you must connect.

One day, my younger brother and I had a heated disagreement over the phone. After I got off the phone, my conscience was bothering me, and I defended myself, thinking, I know I was right. Instantly, the Holy Spirit spoke to me. “You were right. But were you kind?”

Often, it’s the way in which we present our side of the argument that makes the difference between our audience truly hearing us or not. We may be saying all the right things, but presenting them in an unloving, harsh, or bitter way. We must be sure to examine our motives in advising others. Are we trying to control them, or best them in some way? Or rather, as Christ does, are we attempting to persuade them in love to make the best choice for everyone involved? 

Sometimes, winning the argument is not as important as maintaining a relationship. Think before you speak. Think today about whether or not there are relationships in your life that have been damaged by your impulsive speech. What will it take to restore them? At the end of the day, you can never be responsible for what another person says or does. What you’re accountable for to God, though, is your thoughts, words, actions, and motives. Ask God to examine your heart today, and bring anything to your attention that doesn’t line up with Him.

from Restoring Relationships Dr. Derek Grier

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1st Marriage Saving Marriage ZZ

Work

‘Since you have been raised to new life with Christ, set your sights on the realities of heaven, where Christ sits in the place of honor at God’s right hand. Think about the things of heaven, not the things of earth. ‘ Colossians 3:1-2(NLT)

‘As Jesus and the disciples continued on their way to Jerusalem, they came to a certain village where a woman named Martha welcomed him into her home. Her sister, Mary, sat at the Lord’s feet, listening to what he taught. But Martha was distracted by the big dinner she was preparing. She came to Jesus and said, “Lord, doesn’t it seem unfair to you that my sister just sits here while I do all the work? Tell her to come and help me.” But the Lord said to her, “My dear Martha, you are worried and upset over all these details! There is only one thing worth being concerned about. Mary has discovered it, and it will not be taken away from her.”’ Luke 10:38-42(NLT)

‘You have patiently suffered for me without quitting. “But I have this complaint against you. You don’t love me or each other as you did at first!’ Revelation 2:3-4(NLT)

Devotional Content: 

Besides raising kids, the second culprit for causing distraction in marriages is work. Obviously for most of us, work is an essential part of our lives. We have to work to pay the bills, but our marriages suffer when we allow life to get in a cycle such as getting up in the morning, working all day, coming home, eating dinner, maybe watching a little TV, going to bed, and starting all over again. We begin to drift apart. We don’t connect as often, and we don’t feel as close. Work distracts us from our marriages.

I love what I do and Nancy loves what she does, but we love each other more. For us that means that work cannot consume us. We have to keep the proper balance. When we work, we work hard; but there is a time to leave work and be together. One thing that really helps me is consciously making the transition each day from work to home. I have a short commute, but in that time I leave my workday and all its concerns behind. Prayer really helps me here. I can turn everything to God and then focus on coming home and spending time with Nancy.

Today’s Challenge: Take an honest look at how your work affects your marriage. 

Going Deeper:

1. Dr. Kim says that our marriage suffers when we focus too much on work and not enough on our marriages. On a scale of 1-10 with 10 being very distracted. How distracted are you with work?

2. When was the last time you consciously switched gears from work to home?

3.What practical step can you take this week to ensure that work isn’t becoming a bad distraction from your marriage?

4. Make a point to consciously leave work at work this week and not be consumed by it. Pray for God to give you the strength to do so.

from Distractions In Your Marriage – Part 1 by Dr. Kim Kimberling

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1st Marriage Saving Marriage ZZ

Raising Kids

‘Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love. Make every effort to keep yourselves united in the Spirit, binding yourselves together with peace. ‘ Ephesians 4:2-3(NLT)

‘And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything. For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word. He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church. And we are members of his body. As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.” This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.’ Ephesians 5:21-33(NLT)

Devotional Content:

The number one distraction for many marriages is raising kids. Children are a blessing and the desire of most married couples. But children can also be a distraction. They require time and energy and money. Raising children is a huge responsibility and consumes years of our lives. None of this is bad, unless it hurts our marriages. All too often when children are born, the focus shifts completely to them and off of the marriage. There has to be balance. Sure, lives and marriages change when children come into the family; but if you do not continue to nurture your marriage, you will find yourselves drifting further and further apart. Eventually the kids grow up and leave. If you have not nurtured your marriage, you may look at each other when the kids are gone and say, “Who are you?”

Nancy and I were married six years before we had kids. We had wanted kids for so long that I really do not think we had any idea how they would affect our lives. We soon learned that we had to carve out time for each other. If we did not, we would slowly drift apart. We did a couple of proactive things that really made a difference for us. First, we set a weekly date night and held it almost as sacred. Nothing got in the way of our date night. We arranged to have a babysitter, and Saturday nights we spent time together away from the kids. Second, we found time each day to connect without any interruptions. It was not easy to find that time, but it was essential. Some days it was only a few minutes, and other days we found more time. But we made it a priority.

We have made a lot of mistakes in our marriage, but this is one area where we got it right, and it made a difference. Now it is your turn. How will you keep nurturing your marriage while raising kids?

Today’s Challenge: Plan a date night for just the two of you this week.

Going Deepers:

1. Dr. Kim shares that even though raising kids is a tremendous blessing, it is also a tremendous responsibility and can be a huge distraction in marriage. The important thing is to continue to nurture the marriage relationship. On a scale of 1-10 with 10 being the best. How would you rate your intentionality with nurturing your marriage relationship?

2. What can you do this week to nurture your marriage?

3. Dr. Kim shares some practical ways you can nurture your marriage. List 2 of them here.

4. Sit down with your spouse this week and decide on 2 practical things you can start doing to nurture your marriage.

5. Ask 3 other married couples this week what they do to nurture their marriage. Getting ideas from others can help you find the best ways to focus on your marriage relationship.

from Distractions In Your Marriage – Part 1 by Dr. Kim Kimberling

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1st Marriage Saving Marriage ZZ

Detours

‘but all too quickly the message is crowded out by the worries of this life, the lure of wealth, and the desire for other things, so no fruit is produced. ‘ Mark 4:19(NLT)

‘We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith. Because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God’s throne. ‘ Hebrews 12:2(NLT)

‘A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.’ Ecclesiastes 4:12(NLT)

Devotional Content:

Just as you notice exit signs while driving down the marriage highway, you also notice there are detour signs. Detour signs may have the same names as many of the exit signs, but there are differences between the two of them. Detours are usually good things that we allow to distract us in our marriages for a while, but they are going in the same direction as the marriage highway and eventually actually lead us back to the highway. Unlike the exits, detours allow a husband and wife to stay in the same car.

Lots of good things can happen on detours. For example, kids are a real blessing in our lives. As a couple, raising kids together is a lot of work, but if we do it together, our marriage grows through the experience. If we do not, though, we may find ourselves getting in separate cars and heading for an exit. The same can be true for work, church, extended family—all these things can be good detours in our lives if we handle them together and not let them lead us to separate lives.

Bottom line: The marriage highway has bumps, a few potholes, and detours. If your commitment is to stay in the same car and figure out how to handle these obstacles together, you are building an awesome marriage.

Today’s Challenge: If you are in a “detour” time of your marriage, what is one way to grow your marriage in this stage of life?

Going Deeper:

1. Dr. Kim shares that detours can be good distractions in our life if we handle them together. On a scale of 1-10 with 10 being very well and together. How would you rate how you and your spouse handle the distractions in your life?

2. List out your top 3 “detours.”

3.How does your spouse fit into those detours? Do you work together?

4. What is one thing you can do this week to make sure you stay focused on working through detours together as a husband and wife team?

5. Pray and ask God to help you be united as a team when it comes to the “detours” of life.

from Distractions In Your Marriage – Part 1 by Dr. Kim Kimberling

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1st Marriage Saving Marriage ZZ

Exits

‘let no one split apart what God has joined together.”’ Mark 10:9(NLT)

‘Give honor to marriage, and remain faithful to one another in marriage. God will surely judge people who are immoral and those who commit adultery.’ Hebrews 13:4(NLT)

‘Live happily with the woman you love through all the meaningless days of life that God has given you under the sun. The wife God gives you is your reward for all your earthly toil. ‘ Ecclesiastes 9:9(NLT)

Devotional Content:

As you drive along this highway called marriage, you inevitably begin to notice that there are road signs. Written on them are the names of the many distractions in your marriage: work, kids, fights, extended family, church, alcohol, drugs, adultery. As you take an exit, you see there is a car waiting there for your passenger (your spouse). Your spouse gets out of your car and gets in the waiting car. Now you begin driving in a different direction than the marriage highway. And after awhile, you realize you cannot remember how to get back to it, and the relationship you had when your passenger was riding with you is changing dramatically for the worst.

Most people would consider exit signs in marriage to be things that are inherently bad—things like alcohol abuse, drugs, and adultery. They are all marriage killers. My experience in working with couples where there is alcohol abuse and drug abuse is that the alcohol or drug becomes the most important thing in the person’s life, and everything else takes a backseat to it. The marriage deteriorates and eventually dies. Adultery wreaks havoc with our marriages. Less than five percent of the couples who experience adultery make it in their marriages. It is an exit sign that destroys a marriage.

But even “good” things can serve as exits for any marriage. For example, kids are great and a real blessing, but if you let them come between you, and you constantly fight over how to handle them, you can grow far apart in your marriage. The same is true for work or church or extended family. If anything comes between the two of you in marriage, it can be a marriage killer. Consider this: If a distraction is an exit from your marriage, it is bad. Be aware of distractions that serve as exits in your marriage, and avoid them at all cost!

Today’s Challenge: Think about the distractions in your life that could become exits. What is something you can do today to prevent that from happening?

Going Deeper:

1. Dr. Kim talks about how not all “exits” are bad. Even good things can become distractions in your marriages. Take time to list out some of the distractions in your marriage.

2. Dr. Kim shares that if a distraction is an exit from your marriage it is bad. Do you have any distractions in your life that are currently driving you away from your spouse?

3. What one thing do you need to do this week to move away from the distractions that are taking you away from your marriage?

4. Make time this week to sit down with your spouse and talk about the distractions in your marriage. Work together on a plan to help you two stay on the marriage highway.

5. Will you begin praying today for God to protect your marriage from distractions?

from Distractions In Your Marriage – Part 1 by Dr. Kim Kimberling

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1st Marriage Saving Marriage ZZ

Distractions

‘I am saying this for your benefit, not to place restrictions on you. I want you to do whatever will help you serve the Lord best, with as few distractions as possible.’ 1 Corinthians 7:35(NLT)

‘Obviously, I’m not trying to win the approval of people, but of God. If pleasing people were my goal, I would not be Christ’s servant.’ Galatians 1:10(NLT)

‘Look straight ahead, and fix your eyes on what lies before you.’ Proverbs 4:25(NLT)

Devotional Content:

In marriage it is the husband’s responsibility to make his wife feel that she is his. And the same applies to his wife. Distractions in a marriage can be anything that takes time and energy away from the marriage relationship: work, volunteering, church, sports, friends, kids, alcohol abuse, drug abuse, pornography, money, shopping, working out … the list could go on and on. Some of these are obviously bad for us. They are dangerous and can destroy marriages. But sometimes the most dangerous ones are the ones we would consider as “good” things in our lives. We may even be “helping” others by doing some of them.

They become dangerous when they take the focus off of our marriages and onto them at the expense of our marriages. They can deceive us because they are good. For example, church is great, but if I spend all my time there and it keeps me from spending time with Nancy, my marriage will suffer. The same is true with any of the other things on our lists.

In counseling, I often hear this from couples: “Our first years were really good, and then we just began to drift apart.” Drifting apart can happen in any marriage, and it usually begins with distractions. Building an awesome marriage is often about balancing the distractions of your life. If you do this well, you move your marriage forward. If you do not do it well, your marriage can crash and burn. Be aware of the distractions in your marriage and learn together to balance them well. As you look at the distractions in your lives and think about how they are affecting your marriage, let me give you one more thought: Anytime you are saying yes to something, you are saying no to something else. Sadly, it is far too easy to say no to your marriage.

Today’s Challenge: Commit to look together at the distractions in your life that take away from your marriage. What will you do today to fight those distractions?

Going Deeper:

1. Spend time thinking about the distractions in your life. List out your top 3 biggest distractions.

2. Dr. Kim shares that drifting apart can happen in every marriage and that drifting apart begins with distractions. How are the distractions in your life affecting your marriage?

3. Dr. Kim shares that there are “good” distractions and “bad” distractions” and that we need to keep even the good distractions in check. Are there any bad distractions in your life? What do you need to do to get rid of them?

4. Dr. Kim shares that building an awesome marriage is often about balancing the distractions of our life. Think of 2 ways you can better balance the distractions in your life.

5. How are the distractions in your life affecting your marriage?

6. Dr. Kim says that saying “yes” to something means you are saying “no” to something else. What can you do this week to say “yes” to your marriage?

from Distractions In Your Marriage – Part 1 by Dr. Kim Kimberling

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Saving Marriage ZZ

Marriage is Worth Fighting For

‘What shall we say about such wonderful things as these? If God is for us, who can ever be against us? Since he did not spare even his own Son but gave him up for us all, won’t he also give us everything else? Who dares accuse us whom God has chosen for his own? No one—for God himself has given us right standing with himself. Who then will condemn us? No one—for Christ Jesus died for us and was raised to life for us, and he is sitting in the place of honor at God’s right hand, pleading for us. Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? (As the Scriptures say, “For your sake we are killed every day; we are being slaughtered like sheep.” ) No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us. And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.’ Romans 8:31-39(NLT)

‘In my distress I prayed to the Lord , and the Lord answered me and set me free. The Lord is for me, so I will have no fear. What can mere people do to me? Yes, the Lord is for me; he will help me. I will look in triumph at those who hate me.’ Psalms 118:5-7(NLT)

Hopefully this study has helped you see the incredible value of marriage. God’s design, while broken by sin, is redeemable through Christ’s life, death, and resurrection. His Spirit helps us live out His perfect plan, and in Him, any marriage can be restored.

God desires for our marriages to reflect his relationship with the church. He wants us to practice sacrifice, humility, grace, and forgiveness towards our spouses so that we honor them and honor God through marriage. 

Living in this way can help you restore your marriage. Leaning fully on the power of Christ’s Spirit will give you the love, energy, and desire you need to make it possible, and no one can do it on their own. We all need Christ’s Spirit and His people through the church. Don’t be afraid to seek help, even when it seems no one else is struggling. Pastors, friends, and Christian marriage counselors can help you and your spouse reorient your hearts towards God’s design for marriage. Do not give up. 

As a covenantal relationship, both spouses need to be fully invested in fixing and fighting for a marriage. Both need to fully rely on God’s Spirit. If you are putting in the effort, but your spouse is not, pray that God would soften his or her heart. Only He can fully draw people towards Himself. All you can do is offer the grace and forgiveness that God, through Christ, has offered you.  

When a marriage covenant is broken through adultery or abandonment, spouses should seek wisdom from local pastors and their church community. All throughout scripture, readers see that breaking a covenant is no small matter, and that is true for marriage as well. 

No matter what situation you find you and your spouse in, though, God can help you. Fight against the natural desire to figure it out on your own and instead, seek His wisdom through regular scripture reading, prayer, and reaching out to other Christians. God can heal your marriage, and He can heal your brokenness if you seek Him out. The verses for today remind us that He is for us.

from Pursuing Love While Considering Divorce