Category: Saving Marriage

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Saving Marriage ZZ

The Origin of Anger

Devotion from Anger, Taming a Powerful Emotion by Gary Chapman

‘Then God said, “Let us make human beings in our image, to be like us. They will reign over the fish in the sea, the birds in the sky, the livestock, all the wild animals on the earth, and the small animals that scurry along the ground.” So God created human beings in his own image. In the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.’ Genesis 1:26-27(NLT)

Anger is everywhere. Spouses are angry at each other. Employees are angry at bosses. Teens are angry at parents (and vice versa). Citizens are angry at their government. Television news routinely shows angry demonstrators shouting their wrath or the weeping mother of a teen gunned down in an angry quarrel. Spend some time around a major airport when bad weather has canceled flights, and you will observe anger in action.

Many of us are angry at ourselves. Sometimes we are angry and think we “shouldn’t feel that way.” Or we observe our children expressing anger inappropriately and wonder how to teach them to deal with their anger.

Clearly, many of us have issues with anger. In addition, Christians are often confused about this powerful and complex emotion. For those who follow Christ, is there ever an appropriate expression of anger? What does the Bible say? Can anger ever be a good thing?

If you go online and type “anger” into a search engine, you will find an overwhelming amount of information. Yet most of what has been written does not deal with two fundamental questions: What is the origin of anger, and what is the purpose of anger? Understanding the origin of anger is essential to understanding the purpose of anger, and understanding the purpose of anger is essential to learning how to process anger in a constructive manner.

So where does anger come from? The answer may surprise you.

The human capacity for anger is rooted in the nature of God. Please do not think that I am being disrespectful of God. On the contrary, I stand in deep reverence of God when I suggest that human anger is rooted in the divine nature. I am suggesting that anger derives from two aspects of God’s divine nature: His holiness and His love.

The Scriptures proclaim that God is holy. The word holy means “set apart from sin.” Whether we are talking about God the Father, God the Son, or God the Spirit, there is no sin in the nature of God. 

A second fundamental characteristic of the nature of God is love. The apostle John summarized the whole teaching of Scripture when he said simply, “God is love” (1 John 4:8). Love is not to be equated with God; rather, in His essential nature God is loving. This is not simply the New Testament concept of God. From beginning to end, the Scriptures reveal God as committed to the well-being of His creatures. It is God’s nature to love. 

It is from these two divine characteristics that God’s anger is derived. Please note: The Scriptures never say, “God is anger.” That statement is not in fact, true. Anger is not a part of the essential nature of God.

God desires humans to do what is right and enjoy the benefits. Knowing the detrimental effects of sin, God’s anger is kindled. It is God’s concern for justice and righteousness (both of which grow out of His holiness and love) that stir God’s anger. Thus, when God sees evil, anger is His logical response to injustice or unrighteousness. 

What does all this have to do with human anger? The Scriptures say that we are made “in the image of God” (Gen. 1:27). Though that image was marred by the fall, it was not erased. People still bear the imprint of God’s image deep within their souls. Thus, even though we are fallen, we still have some concern for justice and rightness. Find the most pagan man you know and follow him for a week, and you will hear him make such statements as “That’s not right.” “He shouldn’t do that to her.” “She treated him wrongly.”

Anger, then, is the emotion that arises whenever we encounter what we perceive to be wrong. Anger is not evil; anger itself is not sinful; anger is not part of our fallen nature. Quite the contrary. Anger is evidence that we are made in God’s image; it demonstrates that we still have some concern for justice and righteousness in spite of our fallen state. 

REACT: How can anger reflect God’s image? Is this a new idea to you? Explain your understanding of anger being rooted in the nature of God.

from Help For A Hurting Marriage by Dr. Gary Chapman

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Saving Marriage ZZ

Just Walk Away

‘I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.’ Romans 15:13(NLT)

Devotion from Loving Your Spouse When You Feel Like Walking Away by Gary Chapman

Ours has been call the “Throwaway Society.” We buy our food in beautiful containers, which we then throw away. Our car and tech devices quickly become obsolete. We give our furniture to the secondhand shop not because it is no longer functional, but because it is no longer in style. We even “throw away” unwanted pregnancies. We sustain business relationships only so long as they are profitable to the bottom line. Thus, it is no shock that our society has come to accept the concept of a “throwaway marriage.” If you are no longer happy with your spouse, and your relationship has run on hard times, the easy thing is to abandon the relationship and start over.

I wish that I could recommend divorce as an option. When I listen to the deeply pained people in my office and at my seminars, my natural response is to cry, “Get out, get out, get out! Abandon the loser and get on with your life.” That would certainly be my approach if I had purchased bad stock. I would get out before the stock fell further. But a spouse is not a stock. A spouse is a person—a person with emotions, personality, desires and frustrations; a person to whom you were deeply attracted at one point in your life; a person for whom you had warm feelings and genuine care. So deeply were the two of you attracted to each other that you made a public commitment of your lives to each other, “so long as we both shall live.” Now you have a history together. You may even have parented children together.

No one can walk away from a spouse as easily as he or she can sell bad stock. Indeed, talk to most adults who have chosen divorce as the answer, and you will find the divorce was preceded by months of intense inner struggle, and that the whole ordeal is still viewed as a deeply painful experience.

Kristin was sitting in my office two years after her divorce from Dave. “Our marriage was bad,” she said, “but our divorce is even worse. I still have all the responsibilities I had when we were married, and now I have less time and less money. When we were married, I worked part-time to help out with the bills. Now I have to work full-time, which gives me less time with the girls. When I am at home, I seem to be more irritable. I find myself snapping at the girls when they don’t respond immediately to my requests.” 

And what about the children who watch their parents divorce? In Generation Ex, author and child of multiple divorces Jen Abbas writes candidly, “As I entered adulthood anticipating my hard-earned independence, I was stunned to discover that my parents’ divorces seemed to affect me more each year, not less.” 

Michael was all smiles when he said to me, “I finally met the love of my life. We’re going to get married and I’ve never been happier. Kelly has two kids, and I think they’re great. When I was going through my divorce, I never dreamed that I would be happy again. I now believe that I’m about to get my life back on track.”

Michael had been divorced for three years at the time of our conversation. However, six months after his marriage to Kelly, he was back in my office, complaining of his inability to get along with Kelly and her children. “I feel like an outsider,” he said. “She always puts the kids before me. I’ve never been so miserable in my life. How did I let myself get into this mess?” 

Through the years I have counseled enough divorced persons to know that while divorce removes some pressures, it creates a host of others. I am not naïve enough to suggest that divorce can be eliminated from the human landscape. I am saying, however, that divorce should be the last possible alternative. Far too many couples in our society have opted for divorce too soon and at too great a price. I believe that many divorced couples could have reconciled if they had sought and found proper help.

REACT: Perhaps you are in a tough marriage and thinking of giving up. Or a loved one or friend is in what seems to be a hopeless situation. You might think that no one understands the situation. But God does. Can you ask Him to help? Pray for yourself, your spouse, your marriage; or those involved in the troubled marriage you’re concerned about. Pray the verse at the beginning of this selection.

from Help For A Hurting Marriage by Dr. Gary Chapman

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Saving Marriage ZZ

The Role of the Church

‘Be happy with those who are happy, and weep with those who weep. ‘ Romans 12:15(NLT)

‘When three of Job’s friends heard of the tragedy he had suffered, they got together and traveled from their homes to comfort and console him. Their names were Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite, and Zophar the Naamathite. ‘ Job 2:11(NLT)

‘For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord . “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. ‘ Jeremiah 29:11(NLT)

‘But as for me, how good it is to be near God! I have made the Sovereign Lord my shelter, and I will tell everyone about the wonderful things you do.’ Psalms 73:28(NLT)

‘Your promise revives me; it comforts me in all my troubles.’ Psalms 119:50(NLT)

As a church, we have to help the offending party realize that God’s forgiveness is real. Just like it is written in 1st John 1:9,” If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” Forgiveness is real! And then, we need to help both parties look to the future with hope. Sometimes people feel like they’ve failed in a way that they can never recover from. We need to help them see that not only can the Lord restore, He can actually make your marriage better than it’s ever been. He is able to do that. We’re not looking at what we’re able to do, but what He is able to do.  

Some couples want to leave the church when this happens, but I don’t think that isolation is ever the answer when you’re going through tribulation. If anytime you need the body of Christ, is at those tough times. That is why Paul urges us to, “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” Galatians 6:2

Church, we must be willing to forgive and be like Job’s friends before they started talking. They were wonderful counselors before they started talking. They sat with him. They were there with him. Romans 12 says, “We weep with those who weep…” and as we’re doing that type of ministry, we have the opportunity to say, “Listen, we’re not trying to take away your grief. What we want to do is help you walk through  maturity through this. Because God is up to something good even though something bad is happening. Let’s identify what that is. Let’s help you grow in your sanctification in this process together.”

Forgiveness is real and God’s power is real. Let’s look to Him in hope.

from Restoring A Broken Marriage

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Saving Marriage ZZ

What if he/she is Not Repentant?

‘And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. For God knew his people in advance, and he chose them to become like his Son, so that his Son would be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. ‘ Romans 8:28-29(NLT)

‘So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up. Therefore, whenever we have the opportunity, we should do good to everyone—especially to those in the family of faith.’ Galatians 6:9-10(NLT)

‘Think of all the hostility he endured from sinful people; then you won’t become weary and give up. After all, you have not yet given your lives in your struggle against sin.’ Hebrews 12:3-4(NLT)

I want to speak to the party who is truly seeking to remain faithful in the marriage. I want to share with them the importance of loving an unfaithful person. I want to say to them, “This person is not trustworthy but that’s not grounds for you to not do what you were called to do. Let’s evaluate this person not according to what they are supposed to do, but according to who they are. Let’s anticipate in wisdom how you can begin to walk in love towards this person, knowing some of the choices they are going to make.”

As a shepherd, I would have them lean heavily on the support of their congregation. To the church, I would ask that where we know there is a lack of faithfulness, we need to exercise discipline. And look at how we can support this man or woman, in the process of church discipline: 

  • We understand what we’re doing, who this person is, their unwillingness to repent, and here is how we’re going to stand with you. 
  • Here’s how we’re going to help you practically deal with the fact that this person is causing devastation to this relationship. 
  • Let’s talk about how God wants you to handle this devastation, knowing that the church does not have all the answers, but the one thing we know is that this is an opportunity to build your character and your faith, not in that person but in Jesus Christ himself. 
  • Let’s strategically identify what traits of your character we need to help you grow in through this unrepentant person. 
  • What attributes of God do we help you embrace as you walk through this?

The church of our time needs to deal with marital sin in its midst. We cannot allow these things to go on in our congregations. We have to address them if we believe what the Bible says in Galatians 6:1, “Dear brothers and sisters, if another believer is overcome by some sin, you who are godly should gently and humbly help that person back onto the right path.” By addressing their sin, it is restorative in nature. It’s not punishing them, it is loving them, and seeking to rescue them. 

from Restoring A Broken Marriage

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Saving Marriage ZZ

Genuine Repentance

‘For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.’ Isaiah 43:19(NLT)

‘“I am the Lord , the God of all the peoples of the world. Is anything too hard for me? ‘ Jeremiah 32:27(NLT)

‘Jesus looked at them intently and said, “Humanly speaking, it is impossible. But with God everything is possible.”’ Matthew 19:26(NLT)

‘Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony. ‘ Colossians 3:12-14(NLT)

We’re going to assume that there is genuine repentance. Let’s assume that the person who was unfaithful has turned to the Lord, confessed their sin, and repented. The key is going to be on the part of the person that remained faithful… they are going to have to forgive. Without genuine forgiveness of their spouse, the marriage is going to have a difficult time recovering. 

Forgiveness is going to be key. Forgiveness is an act, a decision by which we set the offender free. We release the offender free from our hearts from their guilt against us. Forgiveness belongs to the new man. Truly forgiven people are forgiving people. Forgiven people will not say, “Until I’m satisfied you won’t be set free.” We understand why people need forgiveness because we needed forgiveness. This is where salvation is put on display because forgiveness is an act of love. We struggle with forgiveness when we don’t confess our own sins. When we come face to face with our own guiltiness toward the Lord, we’ll be willing to show the same mercy toward someone who is guilty toward us. 

Then on the part of the offending party, they have to be willing to take whatever step is necessary to minister love to the person they’ve been unfaithful to. There are going to be new boundaries that help protect them from going down the same road again, but also steps they can take to impart a sense of confidence and assurance to their spouse if they love them and are fully committed to remaining faithful moving forward. 

I would encourage both parties to look to the Lord throughout every step of this. As married people, our confidence in the ultimate sense is not in our spouse but in the Lord. Whether the person is faithful or unfaithful, I’m going to look to Christ. We need to be God-reliant, God-dependent, God-focused people to get through this situation successfully. 

from Restoring A Broken Marriage

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Saving Marriage ZZ

Fighting for Love in a Porn Affected Marriage – Day 7

‘O Lord , you have examined my heart and know everything about me. You know when I sit down or stand up. You know my thoughts even when I’m far away. You see me when I travel and when I rest at home. You know everything I do. You know what I am going to say even before I say it, Lord . You go before me and follow me. You place your hand of blessing on my head. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too great for me to understand! I can never escape from your Spirit! I can never get away from your presence! If I go up to heaven, you are there; if I go down to the grave, you are there. If I ride the wings of the morning, if I dwell by the farthest oceans, even there your hand will guide me, and your strength will support me. I could ask the darkness to hide me and the light around me to become night— but even in darkness I cannot hide from you. To you the night shines as bright as day. Darkness and light are the same to you. You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it. You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.’ Psalms 139:1-16(NLT)

‘For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord . “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me. I will be found by you,” says the Lord . “I will end your captivity and restore your fortunes. I will gather you out of the nations where I sent you and will bring you home again to your own land.”’ Jeremiah 29:11-14(NLT)

My husband knows I get funny about my birthday. It’s not the getting older thing that spins me out, I just hate people feeling obligated to do something for me just because it’s my birthday. I know, weird, right? Anyway, this year he secretly approached all my friends and had them write a special note to me. He compiled them into a big pink folder, then underneath a droopy handmade banner, with tears in his eyes, he read them out to me. It was the present I didn’t know I needed. 

But he did. 

My husband knows me through and through. My pains, my dreams, and my delights.   

And yet, this is the same husband who a decade ago, made me feel so unwanted, rejected and unloved that I froze the bank account and called a divorce lawyer. This is the same man I railed at God for allowing me to marry. 

Porn nearly destroyed the best thing that has ever happened to me before it began. My husband is not the man I thought I married. He is so much more. When I think about the fact that God knew this and planned this from the beginning, I become overwhelmed with awe and gratitude. Even when I thought I had picked so badly; He knew I hadn’t. 

When everything seems hopeless, and you feel duped and lost and hurt, take comfort in the fact that you have a heavenly Father who formed you in your mother’s womb,  knows your words before they are on your lips, and has written and planned your days before a single one of them began.  This journey you find yourself on is not an accident. You are a precious part of God’s unfolding plan, and He loves you with an everlasting love. 

”For I know the plans I have for you”—this is the Lord’s declaration—“plans for your well-being, not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” (Jeremiah 29:11)

from Fighting for Love in a Porn Affected Marriage by Rosie Makinney

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Saving Marriage ZZ

Fighting for Love in a Porn Affected Marriage – Day 6

‘I wait quietly before God, for my victory comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress where I will never be shaken. So many enemies against one man— all of them trying to kill me. To them I’m just a broken-down wall or a tottering fence. They plan to topple me from my high position. They delight in telling lies about me. They praise me to my face but curse me in their hearts. Interlude Let all that I am wait quietly before God, for my hope is in him. He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress where I will not be shaken. My victory and honor come from God alone. He is my refuge, a rock where no enemy can reach me. O my people, trust in him at all times. Pour out your heart to him, for God is our refuge. Interlude’ Psalms 62:1-8(NLT)

‘“O storm-battered city, troubled and desolate! I will rebuild you with precious jewels and make your foundations from lapis lazuli.’ Isaiah 54:11(NLT)

Before moving to the United States, I had always wanted to go on a road trip like the ones in movies. So, six months after moving here, we packed up and set off in search of adventure. The journey did not disappoint. One bitterly cold morning in Colorado, the freeway was suddenly filled with what looked like thousands of cotton wool balls. To our right there was a sheer drop so we couldn’t drive around. We hit the dip filled with frozen hail at 80 miles an hour and began to spin. It wasn’t anything like the movies, everything didn’t happen in slow motion, but, somehow, we did a full three sixty and ended up facing in the right direction on the edge of the road at the exact moment an enormous eighteen-wheeler thundered past us. If we had stopped a couple of feet different in either direction and I would probably not be typing this today. Later that night, safely in our hotel room, we fell on our shaky knees and fervently thanked the Lord. Until that day I had never been one to think much about angels, but I know that we were divinely protected and kept in that narrow safe space solely by the hand of God. 

Getting into recovery for my husband’s porn addiction I experienced the same feeling of spinning precariously out of control, not knowing where we were going to land up. Any yet again, I sensed the hand of God holding me in a sweet spot of safety and protection.  He never allowed me to experience more than I could handle. He brought exactly the right people into my life at precisely the time I needed them. But most profoundly of all, He used my recent wounds as an entry point to go in and fix things inside of me that had been broken for a long time.

Looking back, I would never want to go through a near death or a near divorce experience again, nor would I wish them on anyone else, however, I can honestly say that both were a gift. Experience has taught me, and continues to teach me, that when everything in my world is spinning, there is One I can cling to. A mighty, loving Heavenly father who is in control of all weather, all parenting challenges, all addictions and all pandemics. 

The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my deliverer, my God, my rock where I seek refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. (Psalm 18:2)

from Fighting for Love in a Porn Affected Marriage by Rosie Makinney

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Saving Marriage ZZ

Fighting for Love in a Porn Affected Marriage – Day 5

‘If someone has enough money to live well and sees a brother or sister in need but shows no compassion—how can God’s love be in that person? Dear children, let’s not merely say that we love each other; let us show the truth by our actions. Our actions will show that we belong to the truth, so we will be confident when we stand before God. Even if we feel guilty, God is greater than our feelings, and he knows everything. Dear friends, if we don’t feel guilty, we can come to God with bold confidence. And we will receive from him whatever we ask because we obey him and do the things that please him. And this is his commandment: We must believe in the name of his Son, Jesus Christ, and love one another, just as he commanded us. Those who obey God’s commandments remain in fellowship with him, and he with them. And we know he lives in us because the Spirit he gave us lives in us.’ 1 John 3:17-24(NLT)

‘So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other. Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples.”’ John 13:34-35(NLT)

‘But Peter and the apostles replied, “We must obey God rather than any human authority. ‘ Acts of the Apostles 5:29(NLT)

‘Obviously, I’m not trying to win the approval of people, but of God. If pleasing people were my goal, I would not be Christ’s servant.’ Galatians 1:10(NLT)

I love Instagram. It’s most satisfying to curate an image of my life that cuts out all the tantrums, and tears, and bad hair days. This is the effortless put-together life I want other people to assume just comes naturally to me. It’s the life I wish did come naturally to me. A life without misfortune, mistakes, and big painful areas of brokenness. 

Coming forward and admitting that porn was an issue in my marriage was one of the hardest things I have even done. But being determined to be a good loving wife, I plucked up courage, swallowed my pride, and reached out for advice.

Unfortunately for me, the counsel I was given was well-meaning but misinformed.  I was told that gentleness and grace, and more sex, would help my husband the most. So, after pushing my hurt and anger deep down inside, I became the best cheerleader I could. 

Yet, still nothing changed. 

In 1 John 3:18 we are reminded to not love in word or speech, but in action and in truth.

This was what I was missing. My words were having no effect because they weren’t matched by my actions. It didn’t matter how I built him up, for what he actually needed was for me to get really honest about what porn was doing to him, to me, and to our marriage, and set a clear boundary.  The most loving action I ever took was to draw that firm line in the sand, stating that I would not be turning a blind eye to his compulsive porn usage anymore.  

I know it’s scary to take this particular action in your marriage, especially when others you trust may advocate lovingly turning a blind eye to be the right course.  Proactive intervention is tough love. But to a man in captivity, it is exactly the kind of love he needs. 

from Fighting for Love in a Porn Affected Marriage by Rosie Makinney

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Saving Marriage ZZ

Fighting for Love in a Porn Affected Marriage – Day 4

‘The Lord replied, “I will personally go with you, Moses, and I will give you rest—everything will be fine for you.”’ Exodus 33:14(NLT)

‘I know the Lord is always with me. I will not be shaken, for he is right beside me.’ Psalms 16:8(NLT)

‘For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.’ 2 Timothy 1:7(NLT)

Like many other married guys in recovery, my husband definitely arrived in his therapist’s office with a female footprint on his back. Now eleven years sober from porn, my husband will be the first to admit that it was my action of drawing a firm line in the sand that provided him with a way of escape.  God spoke truth and life to him through me. 

In Genesis 2:18 we see the reason for the creation of Eve.

“It is not good for the man to be alone. 

I will make a helper suitable for him.” 

God created a helper for Adam who was suitable for him. Not just generically suitable, but uniquely suitable for him.  Let that sink in a minute. Even though you may feel very different from your husband, according to God you are perfect for him. Just being you, with your unique qualities and convictions, makes you his ideal team-mate. You are what he needs.  

Now I know this is a lot to swallow, especially if things feel far from perfect at the moment, but what your husband actually needs right now is someone who cares about him to be bold and brave enough to tell him the truth. 

Dear sister, do not be afraid of what you feel stirring inside you.  You are being prepared for God to use you in a mighty way to transform your marriage. You have been given this particular kingdom task not because you think you are up to the job, but because of what God knows is inside of you. Do not fear what lies ahead. You were created for a time such as this, and God will be with you every step of the way. 

“For the Lord your God is the one who will go with you; he will not leave you or abandon you.” (Deuteronomy 31:6-8)

from Fighting for Love in a Porn Affected Marriage by Rosie Makinney

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Saving Marriage ZZ

Fighting for Love in a Porn Affected Marriage – Day 3

‘“Haven’t you read the Scriptures?” Jesus replied. “They record that from the beginning ‘God made them male and female.’” And he said, “‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together.”’ Matthew 19:4-6(NLT)

‘The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness can never extinguish it. God sent a man, John the Baptist, to tell about the light so that everyone might believe because of his testimony. John himself was not the light; he was simply a witness to tell about the light. The one who is the true light, who gives light to everyone, was coming into the world. He came into the very world he created, but the world didn’t recognize him. ‘ John 1:5-10(NLT)

‘For once you were full of darkness, but now you have light from the Lord. So live as people of light! For this light within you produces only what is good and right and true. Carefully determine what pleases the Lord. Take no part in the worthless deeds of evil and darkness; instead, expose them. It is shameful even to talk about the things that ungodly people do in secret. But their evil intentions will be exposed when the light shines on them, for the light makes everything visible. This is why it is said, ‘ Ephesians 5:8-14(NLT)

Looking back, I feel more than a little sad that I wasted so much time believing that my husband was able to keep his porn use in a little box, entirely separate from our relationship.  It wasn’t until we got into recovery that I began to understood the full extent to which porn was affecting our marriage.  

In Matthew 19:4 we are told that husband and wife become one flesh. Of course, my husband filling his mind with toxic porn was affecting all aspects of our relationship.  To expect otherwise was not only self-destructive, it was unbiblical. 

In the battle against porn, we wives really do need to pick up our swords and enter the fray. Not only because we have skin in the game, but because when “two become one” we are uniquely positioned to help our husbands.  When my husband was enslaved to a porn addiction, I was the only one who knew and cared that he was drowning in that particular sin. When he was unable to reach out for help, he needed me to throw him a lifeline. 

Don’t participate in the fruitless works of darkness, but instead expose them. For it is shameful even to mention what is done by them in secret. (Ephesians 5:11-12)

By bringing your marriage to the foot of the cross and into the light, you invite Jesus—He who is in the Light—to cleanse, heal, and restore both of you. Recovery from porn addiction is about so much more than eliminating porn. It is about discovering your identity as much-loved children of God and experiencing a new profound level of trust and intimacy in your marriage. 

from Fighting for Love in a Porn Affected Marriage by Rosie Makinney