Category: Saving Marriage

‘Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good. Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other. ‘ Romans 12:9-10(NLT)

Devotion from When Sorry Isn’t Enough by Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas 

It was one of those feel-good stories you see in the newspaper and on TV before Christmas. In the Youngstown, Ohio, area, a thief made off with cash from one of those familiar Salvation Army red kettles. In fact, the perpetrator, apparently dressed in a Salvation Army jacket, walked away with the money and the kettle while the bell ringer was taking a break.

But what could have been a sad “stealing from the poor” story turned into something more heartwarming two days later, when someone anonymously left $130 and a note of apology at the Salvation Army’s office. “Here is the money I took plus money for a new kettle and bell . . . Please forgive me.” The unidentified wrongdoer not only apologized, he or she made restitution, making a tangible effort to right the wrong they committed. 

The idea of “making things right” to make up for a wrong is embedded within the human psyche, from our judicial system to the arena of family relationships. If Sophia’s little brother Jacob steals her favorite toy, Mom or Dad makes him give it back. If a criminal steals from someone, a judge orders him to repay his victim in some way. Rather than simply spending time in prison, the criminal needs to make efforts to make up for the wrong to the one who was wronged. 

For some people, the statement, “It is not right for me to have treated you that way,” must be followed up with “What can I do to show you that I still care about you?” Without this effort at restitution, the person wronged will question the sincerity of the apology. 

While in some cases, making restitution is appropriate, in other situations, many people can identify with the wife who lamented, “We have the same old arguments about the same old things. What upsets me most is not the offending action—it’s the repetition of the offending action. He apologizes. He promises not to do it again. Then he does it again—the ‘it’ being as small as leaving the bathroom light on or as annoying as needless crabbiness.”

This wife doesn’t want “sorry.” She wants her husband to repent.

The word repentance means “to turn around” or “to change one’s mind.” It is illustrated by someone who is walking west and, for whatever reason, suddenly turns 180 degrees and walks toward the east. The individual realizes that his or her present behavior is destructive. The person regrets the pain he or she is causing the other person, and chooses to change his behavior. 

Repentance is more than saying, “I’m sorry; I was wrong. How can I make this up to you?” It is saying, “I’ll try not to do this again.” 

All true repentance begins in the heart. We recognize that what we have done is wrong, that our actions have hurt the one we love. We don’t want to continue this behavior, so we decide that with God’s help, we will change. Then we verbalize this decision to the person we have offended. Jim said, “I expect the person to tell me they were wrong and tell me that they’re going to make changes so that it won’t happen again. I want them to be realistic and tell me that they know they have to work on it so I should be patient with them.”

The problem with not verbalizing your intention is that the offended person cannot read your mind. He or she doesn’t know that in your heart you have decided to make changes. It might take weeks or months for them to observe the difference in you, but even then they might not know what motivated the transformation. 

It is perfectly fine to tell them that you hope they will be patient with you because you know you will not be 100 percent successful immediately, but that it is your intention to change this destructive behavior. Now they know your intention and sense that your apology is sincere so they can now forgive you even before the changes are actually made. 

REACT: Repentance has been described above as turning around or changing your mind. In what other ways have you heard repentance defined? Think of a time when you wanted your spouse or another person close to you to not just apologize, but change their behavior — what happened? How might restitution work out both in society at large and within our personal relationships? When is a time when you chose to not just say “I’m sorry” but to make restitution or to change your behavior? 

from Help For A Hurting Marriage by Dr. Gary Chapman

‘Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires. ‘ James 1:20(NLT)

Devotion from Anger, Taming a Powerful Emotion by Gary Chapman

You might be asking, “Why has anger caused so much trouble in the world?”

The answer is as ancient as the garden of Eden. The drama revealed in Genesis 3 featuring Adam and Eve, the serpent, and a fruit tree significantly altered human nature. We now have the tendency to take every good gift of God and distort it into something perverse. The gifts of reason, sexuality, love and so much more have all been perverted.

Anger is no different. The deceiver is still among us, and the scene of Eden is repeated daily. Perverting the divine purpose of anger has been one of Satan’s most successful tactical designs.

The Enemy has used many strategies to twist God’s intention for human anger. One of the most powerful is to make us think that all our anger is of equal value. “If I perceive that I have been wronged, then I have been wronged.” This illusion leads us to conclude that we always have a right to feel angry.

But the fact is that much of our anger is distorted. Two kinds of anger exist: definitive and distorted. Definitive anger is born of wrongdoing. Someone treats us unfairly, steals our property, lies about our character or in some other way does us wrong. This is the only kind of anger God ever experiences. It is valid anger. 

The second kind of anger, however, is not valid. It is triggered by a mere disappointment, an unfulfilled desire, a frustrated effort, a bad mood or any number of other things that have nothing to do with any moral transgression. The situation simply has made life inconvenient for us, touched one of our hot spots or happened at a time when we were extremely tired or stressed. I call this distorted anger, not because the emotions are any less intense than those experienced with definitive anger, but because they are the responses to something less than genuine wrongdoing. 

Here are some ways to handle distorted anger:

(1) Tell the other person about your concern and ask to talk about it. I call this “sharing information.” We are not sharing a verdict: “You let me down.” “You disappointed me.” In contrast, “I’m feeling (disappointed, hurt or other emotion) and I need your help” is a statement of information. 

(2) Recognize that you might not have all the facts. Therefore, it is difficult to determine whether our anger is definitive or distorted. Gather information. 

(3) Sometimes when our anger is distorted we cannot simply release it and accept when the other person has done. Often we need to negotiate understanding. For even when the other has done nothing morally wrong, his or her behavior is still painful. You still feel disappointed, frustrated, hurt and angry. You need to understand the person’s actions — and he or she needs to understand your feelings. Express your struggles, then listen to the other person’s response. Be honest. 

(4) In all human relationships, people will find certain behavioral characteristics irritating. For the most part, this anger is distorted in that the other person’s behavior is not morally wrong; he or she has not perpetrated an evil against us. If the relationship is a close one and the person is one with whom we spend a great deal of time, such as in family or vocation, it is sometimes helpful to seek to mitigate these irritations by requesting change. Please notice I say requesting, not demanding or manipulating. None of us responds well to these approaches. 

REACT: How would you explain the difference between valid (definitive) and distorted anger? 

from Help For A Hurting Marriage by Dr. Gary Chapman

‘Instead, we will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church. ‘ Ephesians 4:15(NLT)

‘If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing. If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it; but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing. Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. Prophecy and speaking in unknown languages and special knowledge will become useless. But love will last forever! Now our knowledge is partial and incomplete, and even the gift of prophecy reveals only part of the whole picture! But when the time of perfection comes, these partial things will become useless. When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things. Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely. Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love.’ 1 Corinthians 13:1-13(NLT)

Devotion from Loving Your Spouse When You Feel Like Walking Away by Gary Chapman

The fact that love is an attitude rather than an emotion means that you can love your spouse even when you do not have warm emotional feelings for him or her. That is why in the the first century, Paul the apostle wrote to husbands, “Love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her [by willingly dying on the cross]” (Eph. 5:25). In another of his letters, Paul challenged the older women to “urge the younger women to love their husbands” (Titus 2:4). Love can be learned, because it is not an emotion.

After years of counseling, I am convinced that there are only five basic “languages” of love. They are: 

1. Words of Affirmation — Verbally affirming your spouse for the good things he or she does.

2. Quality Time — Giving your spouse undivided attention.

3. Receiving Gifts — Presenting a gift to your spouse that says, “I was thinking about you.”

4. Acts of service — Doing something for your spouse that is meaningful to him or her.

5. Physical touch — Kissing, embracing, patting on the back, holding hands, sexual intercourse.

Part of the problem spouses have in demonstrating love to each other is that they fail to understand that they speak different “love languages.” Seldom do a husband and wife have the same love language. By nature, you tend to speak your own language. For example, if quality time makes you feel loved, then that’s what you try to give your spouse. But if that is not his or her primary language, it will not mean to your spouse what it would mean to you. 

So you need to know, and then speak, your spouse’s primary love language. This simple message, which I have shared in marriage seminars and the book The 5 Love Languages, has helped millions of couples. Discovering your spouse’s primary love language and choosing to speak it on a regular basis has tremendous potential for changing the emotional climate of your marriage. 

Love is the most powerful weapon for good not only in the world but especially in a desperate marriage. When you choose to reach out with a loving attitude and loving actions toward your spouse in spite of past failures, you create a climate where the two of you can resolve conflicts and confess wrongs. A marriage can be reborn. Reality living says, “I will choose the road of love because its potential is far greater than the road of hate.”

I am sympathetic to those who feel that there is no hope for their marriage. But let’s not assume that past failures must be repeated in the future. With a new set of guidelines and a willingness to take action, there is hope for a hard marriage. And if your spouse is not going to join you on working on the marriage at this time, that does not mean that your marriage is hopeless. One person must always take the initiative. Perhaps that person will be you.

REACT: Go to 5lovelanguages.com and find out what your love language is. Are you surprised? Encourage your spouse to take this brief quiz, too. Share your love languages with each other. What is one thing you can do each day in the next week to “speak” your spouse’s love language to him or her? Don’t worry if the effort is not reciprocated — remember that one person must take the initiative. And don’t forget to pray for your marriage daily.

from Help For A Hurting Marriage by Dr. Gary Chapman

‘Instead, we will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church. ‘ Ephesians 4:15(NLT)

Devotion from When Sorry Isn’t Enough by Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas 

Karen and Jim have been married for twenty-seven years. When I asked her, “What do you look for in an apology when Jim has wronged you?” her immediate response was, “Most of all I want him to understand how he hurt me and why. I want him to see things from my perspective. I expect to hear him say, ‘I apologize. I am really sorry.’” 

Karen went on to to relay an incident for which Jim apologized. Karen said, “Jim told me how sorry he was. He regretted what he had done and wished he had never done it. I knew he was sincere when I saw tears come to his eyes.” For Karen, the heart of an apology is a sincere expression of regret. 

Robert and Katie have been married for seven years. When I asked him, ‘How do you know that Katie is sincere when she apologizes?” his answer was, “Eye contact. If she looks me in the eye and says ‘I’m sorry,’ I know she’s sincere. If she says, ‘I’m sorry’ while passing through the room, I know she’s hiding something. A hug and a kiss lets me know she’s sincere.”

For some, the heart of a sincere apology is a sincere expression of regret. For others, body language can speak louder than our spoken language. 

An apology has more impact when it’s specific. LuAnn captured this idea when she said, “I expect the apologizer to say ‘I’m sorry for ____.’” When we’re specific, we communicate to the offended person that we truly understand how much we have hurt him or her. Specificity places the focus on our action and how it affected the other person. 

Why is it so difficult for some of us to say, “I was wrong”? Often our reluctance to admit wrongdoing is tied to our sense of self-worth. To admit that we are wrong is perceived as weakness. We may reason, “Only losers confess. Intelligent people try to show that their actions were justified.” 

The seeds of this self-justifying tendency are often planted in childhood. When a child is excessively punished, condemned or shamed for minor offenses, the sense of self-worth is diminished. Subconsciously, the child makes the emotional link between wrong behavior and low self-worth. Thus, to admit wrong is to be “bad.” The child who grows up with this emotional pattern will have difficulty admitting wrongdoing as an adult because to do so strikes at his or her self-esteem. 

The good news is that as adults we can understand these negative emotional patterns and yet not be imprisoned by them. The reality is that all of us are sinners; there are no perfect adults. Mature adults learn how to break the harmful patterns of childhood and accept responsibility for their own failures. The immature adult is forever rationalizing his own bad behavior. Mature adults learn to accept responsibility for their behavior, whereas immature adults continue with childish fantasies and tend to blame others for their mistakes. 

Alyssa is twenty-seven. While growing up, here dad told her that a wise person is willing to accept responsibility for his or her mistakes. “I’ll never forget what he said: ‘All of us make mistakes, but the only mistake that will destroy you is the one you are unwilling to admit.’

“I remember when I was young and would do something against the rules, he would look at me and ask, ‘Do you have something you’d like to say?’ He would smile and I would say, ‘I made a mistake. I was wrong. Will you forgive me?’ He would give me a hug and say, ‘You are forgiven.’

“Admitting my mistakes is a part of who I am, and I owe it to my father.”

Michael, twenty-four, never heard his father apologize to his mother or to him. At eighteen he left home and has never returned to visit. “In the community, my father was recognized as a successful man,” he explained, “but in my mind he was a hypocrite. I guess that’s why I have always been quick to apologize, willing to admit my failures. I want my relationships to be real, and I know that can’t happen if I’m not willing to admit I was wrong.”

REACT: Have you ever hurt someone without realizing it? What did you do when you became aware that you had hurt someone? 

Name a few of the most outrageous excuses you have heard people claim for refusing to admit wrong. Why do you think some people have such a difficult time admitting a wrongful act?

from Help For A Hurting Marriage by Dr. Gary Chapman

‘Short-tempered people do foolish things, and schemers are hated.’ Proverbs 14:17(NLT)

‘Fools vent their anger, but the wise quietly hold it back.’ Proverbs 29:11(NLT)

Devotion from Anger, Taming a Powerful Emotion by Gary Chapman

We know that the human capacity for anger is rooted in the nature of God. God shows anger at injustice, and also at sin, because it is harmful to us, His beloved. Our valid anger can also be stirred by injustice and sin. But often in daily life, we need to process anger toward someone with whom we have a relationship, whether a family member, roommate, friend, work associate, neighbor — anyone with whom we have an ongoing relationship. 

I suggest a five-step process for dealing with valid anger. 

(1) Consciously acknowledge to yourself that you are angry. I suggest that you say the words out loud. “I am angry about this! Now what am I going to do?” Such a statement places the issues squarely on the table. You are now not only aware of your own anger, but you have distinguished for yourself the difference between your anger and the action you are going to take.

(2) Restrain your immediate response. Refuse to take the action that you typically take when feeling angry. Remember the commonsense advice of counting to ten? It is good advice, but many of us need to count to 100 or even 1000. I suggest that you count out loud. If you are in the presence of the person at whom you are angry, I suggest you leave. Take a walk as you count. About halfway around the block when you come to 597, you will probably be in a mental and emotional state where you can say, “Lord, You know that I am angry. I believe what they have done is wrong. Please help me make a wise decision about how to respond in this situation.” Then with God you begin to look at your options. 

(3) Locate the focus of your anger. Ask yourself, Why am I so angry? Is it what my spouse (or another person) has said or done? Is my anger toward the person influenced by something that happened at work today or in my childhood years ago? The secondary issue is, how serious is the offense? Someone not showing up on time is certainly not on the same level as someone being abusive. Some wrongs are minor and some are major.

(4) Analyze your options. It is now time to ask, What are the possible actions I can take? As I see it, there are only two options for a Christian. One is to lovingly confront the person. If you choose to this option, do it gently. Listen to any explanation; it can give you a different perspective on the person’s actions and intentions.

The other is to consciously decide to overlook the matter. There are times when the best Christian option is to admit that yes, you have been wronged but to conclude that confronting the person who did the wrong holds little or no redemptive value. This is releasing the anger to God. It is giving up the right to take revenge, which, according to Scripture, is always God’s prerogative (see Rom. 12:19), and it is refusing to let what happened eat away at your own sense of well-being. 

(5) Take constructive action. If you choose to let the offense go, then you should share this decision with God. “Lord, You know what has happened. You know how hurt I am, how angry I feel. But I really believe that the best thing to do in this situation is to accept the wrong and turn the person over to You. I know you are a righteous God, so I trust You do to what is right by the person. I also release my anger to You. Help me not to be controlled by any residual thoughts and feelings that come to me over the next few days. Thank you that I am Your child and You will take care of me.”

REACT: Can you think of a recent situation when you applied any of these steps? How about when you didn’t but should have? How might the situation have turned out differently? Ask God to help you be alert and prepared for the next time you have valid reason to be angry.

from Help For A Hurting Marriage by Dr. Gary Chapman

‘Timely advice is lovely, like golden apples in a silver basket.’ Proverbs 25:11(NLT)

‘Let your conversation be gracious and attractive so that you will have the right response for everyone.’ Colossians 4:6(NLT)

Devotion from Loving Your Spouse When You Feel Like Walking Away by Gary Chapman

“You’re an idiot. I don’t know how anyone with your education can be as stupid as you are. You must have cheated to get your degree. If I were as stupid as you, I don’t think I would get out of bed in the morning.”

The words seemed to beat on Laura relentlessly. This wasn’t the first time Laura had heard such insults from her husband, Ron. The tragedy was that she had come to believe them. She was suffering from severe depression that literally kept her in bed most days. She was the victim of verbal abuse.

We have long known the devastation of physical abuse in a marriage relationship. We are now coming to understand that verbal abuse can be fully as devastating. Verbal abuse destroys respect, trust, admiration and intimacy — all key ingredients of a healthy marriage. 

Most of us lose our temper and say harsh, cutting words that we later regret. But if we are spiritually and emotionally mature, we acknowledge that this is inappropriate behavior. We express sorrow and ask forgiveness of our spouse, and the relationship finds healing.

The verbal abuser, on the other hand, seldom asks for forgiveness or acknowledges that the verbal tirades are inappropriate. Typically, the abuser will blame the spouse for stimulating the abuse. Verbal abuse is warfare that employs the use of words as bombs and grenades designed to punish the other person, to place blame or to justify one’s own actions or decisions. Abusive language is filled with poisonous put-downs, which seek to make the other person feel bad, appear wrong or look inadequate. 

Is there hope for the thousands of spouses who suffer the barrage of verbal attacks as a way of life? I believe there is, but that hope will not come in the form of a magic wand. It will be more like an exercise machine, requiring hard work and consistency.

In order to be a positive change agent, the spouse who is verbally abused must first recover a sense of their own self-worth. A wife whose husband has ridiculed her, threatened her, told her she is stupid, worthless, incompetent and a failure may start to believe these messages, and they will become self-fulfilling. She first should share her husband’s abuse with a friend or a counselor and learn to reject these negative messages, and rediscover her own self-worth. If she does not deal with her own damaged self-esteem, she will not have the emotional energy to take constructive action with her husband. 

Most people who practice verbal abuse as a way of life are themselves suffering from low self-esteem. Emotionally, the verbal abuser is not the strong, confident, self-assured individual he may appear to be. Inside he actually feels like a child, trying desperately to become an adult, fighting desperately but inappropriately to prove his worth. 

On a quiet evening when Jeff had not yet unleashed a verbal attack, Marilyn said to him, “I’ve been thinking about us a lot the last few days. I’ve been remembering how kind you were to me when we dated. I’m remembering the tender touch, the kind words, the smiling face, the fun we had in those days. I guess that’s why I believe in you so strongly. I know the good qualities you have inside. Sometimes I lose that vision when I am hurt by your attacks, but I know the kind of man you are, and I believe in that man. And I believe in my heart that the man I married is the man you really want to be. And I know that with God’s help and your desire, you can reach that goal.”

With those words, Marilyn is expressing belief in Jeff. She is giving him what all of us desperately want — someone to believe in us, someone to believe that we have good characteristics and that those good characteristics can flourish in our lives. Since the abuser is already suffering from low self-esteem, such comments build a positive sense of self-worth. If Jeff can come to believe in himself and believe that God’s power is available to him, he may well return to being the man that Marilyn remembers.

REACT: What are steps to take if you are being verbally abused? What might be behind an abuser’s verbal attacks? To whom can you speak words of hope and healing today? 

from Help For A Hurting Marriage by Dr. Gary Chapman

‘Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony. ‘ Colossians 3:12-14(NLT)

Devotion from When Sorry Isn’t Enough by Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas 

Genuine forgiveness and reconciliation are two-person transactions that are enabled by apologies. Some, particularly with the Christian worldview, have taught forgiveness without an apology. They often quote the words of Jesus: “If you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins” (Matt. 6:15). Thus, they say to the wife whose husband has been unfaithful and continues in his adulterous affair, “You must forgive him, or God will not forgive you.” 

Such an interpretation of Jesus’ teaching fails to reckon with the rest of the scriptural teachings on forgiveness. The Christian is instructed to forgive others in the same manner that God forgives us. How does God forgive us? The Scriptures say that if we confess our sins, God will forgive our sins (1 John 1:9). Nothing in the Old or New Testaments indicates that God forgives the sins of people who do not confess and repent of their sins. 

When a pastor encourages a wife to forgive her erring husband while he still continues in his wrongdoing, the minister is requiring of the wife something that God Himself does not do. Jesus’ teaching is that we are to be always willing to forgive, as God is always willing to forgive, those who repent. Some will object to this idea, indicating that Jesus forgave those who were killing Him. But that is not what the Scriptures say. Rather, Jesus prayed, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing” (Luke 23:34). Jesus expressed His heart of compassion and His desire to see His murderers forgiven. That should be our desire and our prayer. But their forgiveness came later when they acknowledged that they had indeed killed the Son of God (Acts 2:22–24, 40–41). 

Forgiveness without an apology is often encouraged for the benefit of the forgiver rather than the benefit of the offender. Such forgiveness does not lead to reconciliation. When there is no apology, the Christian is encouraged to release the person to God for justice and to release one’s anger to God through forbearance (Rom. 12:19). 

Dietrich Bonhoeffer, the great theologian who was martyred by the Nazis in a concentration camp in 1945, argued against the “preaching of forgiveness without requiring repentance.” He referred to such forgiveness in The Cost of Discipleship as “cheap grace . . . which amounts to the justification of sin without the justification of the repentant sinner.”

Genuine forgiveness removes the barrier that was created by the offense and opens the door to restoring trust over time. If the relationship was warm and intimate before the offense, it can become loving again. If the relationship was simply one of casual acquaintance, it may grow to a deeper level through the dynamic process of forgiveness. If the offense was created by an unknown person such as a rapist or a murderer, there was no relationship to be restored. If they have apologized and you have forgiven, each of you is free to go on living your lives, although in a criminal matter, the offender will still face the judicial system created by the culture to deal with the behavior. 

When we apologize, we accept responsibility for our behavior, seeking to make amends with the person who was offended. Genuine apology opens the door to the possibility of forgiveness and reconciliation. Then we can continue to build the relationship. Without apology, the offense sits as a barrier, and the quality of the relationship is diminished. Good relationships are always marked by a willingness to apologize, forgive and reconcile. 

REACT: How and when does God forgive? How can willingness to forgive without an apology benefit the forgiver rather than the offender? Can you think of an example from your own life? Why must “a willingness to apologize, forgive and reconcile” be a mark of a good relationship? 

from Help For A Hurting Marriage by Dr. Gary Chapman

‘Justice is a joy to the godly, but it terrifies evildoers.’ Proverbs 21:15(NLT)

‘So the Lord must wait for you to come to him so he can show you his love and compassion. For the Lord is a faithful God. Blessed are those who wait for his help.’ Isaiah 30:18(NLT)

Devotion from Anger, Taming a Powerful Emotion by Gary Chapman

Try to remember the last time you experienced anger and ask, “Why did I get angry?” Chances are your answer will mention some injustice. Someone or something did not treat you fairly. Something was wrong. Your anger may have been directed toward a person, an object, or a situation, but in every instance you perceived that someone or something treated you wrongly. 

The capacity for anger is strong evidence that we are more than mere animals. It reveals our concern for rightness, justice and fairness. The experience of anger is evidence of our nobility — our being made in God’s image — not our depravity. We should thank God for our capacity to experience anger. When one ceases to experience anger, one has lost her sense of moral concern. Without moral concern, the world would be a dreadful place indeed. So what is the purpose of anger? More to the point, what is God’s purpose for human anger?

I believe that human anger is designed by God to motivate us to take constructive action in the face of wrongdoing or when facing injustice. This is illustrated by God Himself.

In the Old Testament, God would typically send a prophet to proclaim to the people His displeasure with their evil deeds and to call them to repentance. If the people repented, God’s anger subsided and all was well. If they did not repent, God took additional action. (See Jer. 3:12–14; Jonah 3:5, 7–10.) God’s anger was expressed in positive action. When God used drastic measures it was for the ultimate good of His creatures. His holiness will not allow God to remain silent when His children are involved in evil activity, and His love always seeks to express His anger for the larger good of humankind.

In the New Testament, we find that Jesus too took positive, loving action again the evil that had stirred His anger. Perhaps the best known of these events is when Jesus saw the merchants buying and selling in the temple in Jerusalem, making what should have been a house of prayer into a den of thieves (Matt. 21:13; John 2:15, 16). On another occasion, when He healed a man on the Sabbath, he was angered by the Pharisees’ legalistic thinking when they criticized Him for doing good on the Sabbath (Mark 3:4–5). 

What about us? Because, as we have seen, we bear the image of God, each of us has on some level a concern for righteousness, fairness and justice. Whenever we encounter that which we believe to be unrighteous, unkind or unjust, we experience anger. I believe that in God’s design, this anger is to motivate us to take positive, loving action to see to set the wrong right; and where there has been a relationship, to restore the relationship with the wrongdoer. Anger is not designed to drive us to do destructive things to the people who may have wronged us, nor does it give us license to say or do destructive things to our neighbors. Anger’s fundamental purpose is to motivate us to positive, loving action that will leave things better than when we found them.

The abolition of slavery in England and America came about because a significant number of people felt anger about social conditions. The story of William Wilberforce, a great man of faith, is familiar to many. For decades he waged a tireless crusade, delivering passionate speeches in Parliament detailing and decrying the evils of the slave trade. Across the ocean in the United States, a number of men and women looked at enslavement and said within their own hearts, This is not right. It took people motivated by anger at evil and injustice to prick the conscience of a nation. 

Anger is like a red light flashing on the dash of a car. It indicates that something needs attention. Anger can be a powerful and positive motivator, useful to move us toward loving action to right wrongs and correct injustice — but it can also become a raging, uncontrolled force. The difficulty is that all these wonderfully positive purposes of anger seem to elude us in the heat of anger. We forget about setting things right and end up making them worse. We need to learn to process anger in a positive way.

REACT: What are some things in the world that make God angry? How can you direct anger to conform to God’s nature?

from Help For A Hurting Marriage by Dr. Gary Chapman

‘And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. ‘ Philippians 4:8(NLT)

Devotion from Loving Your Spouse When You Feel Like Walking Away by Gary Chapman 

I believe that in every troubled marriage, one or both partners can take positive steps that have the potential for changing the emotional climate in a marriage. But first, they need to look at what they believe. I call this reality living.

Reality living begins by identifying the myths that have held you captive. Then it accepts them for what they are—myths, not truths. Reality living means you take responsibility for your own thoughts, feelings and actions. It requires you to appraise your life situation honestly and refuse to shift the blame for your unhappiness to others. Here are four myths that many people in desperate marriages base their lives on.

Myth Number One: “My environment determines my state of mind.” This myth is expressed in statements like these: “If I grew up in a loving, supportive family, I will be a loving, supportive person.” “If I grew up in a dysfunctional family, then I am destined to failure in relationships.” “My emotional state depends on the actions of my spouse.” 

This kind of approach to life renders anyone helpless in a hostile environment. Your environment certainly affects who are you, but it does not control you. It may influence you, but it need not dictate or destroy your marriage or your life.

Myth Number Two: “People cannot change.” This myth asserts that once people reach adulthood, personality traits and behavior patterns are set in concrete. Those who believe this myth reason that if a spouse has demonstrated a certain behavior for a long period of time, he or she will continue to act this way. If you accept this myth as truth, you will experience feelings of futility and hopelessness. The fact is, you can find biographies of people—adults—who have made radical changes in their behavior patterns.

Myth Number Three: “In a troubled marriage, I have only two options—resigning myself to a life of misery or getting out of the marriage.” Those who believe this myth limit their horizons to two equally devastating alternatives and then become a prisoner of that choice. Thousands of people live in self-made prisons because they believe this myth of limited choices. Do not let yourself believe that you have only two options in a desperate marriage. Don’t simply settle for misery or divorce.

Myth Number Four: “Some situations are hopeless—and my situation is one of these.” The person who accepts this myth believes: Perhaps there is hope for others, but my marriage is hopeless. The hurt is too deep. The damage is irreversible. There is no hope. This kind of thinking leads to depression and sometimes even to suicide. You may have struggled in your marriage for years. You may feel that nothing you have tried has worked. You may even have had people tell you that your marriage is hopeless. Don’t let yourself believe that. Your marriage is not beyond hope. 

Reality living, which begins by recognizing the myths and continues by rejecting those myths, ends up embracing the positive actions that one individual can take to stimulate constructive change in a relationship.

REACT: Which of these myths have you believed? Do you agree that one person in a troubled relationship can take action to “stimulate constructive change”? What can you do today as one step? If your friend or loved one is in a strained marriage, how can you encourage them today? 

from Help For A Hurting Marriage by Dr. Gary Chapman

‘Instead, I want to see a mighty flood of justice, an endless river of righteous living.’ Amos 5:24(NLT)

‘There will be no mercy for those who have not shown mercy to others. But if you have been merciful, God will be merciful when he judges you.’ James 2:13(NLT)

Devotion from When Sorry Isn’t Enough by Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas 

In a perfect world, there would be no need for apologies. But because the world is imperfect, we cannot survive without them. My academic background is in the field of anthropology, the study of human culture. One of the clear conclusions of the anthropologist is that all people have a sense of morality: Some things are right, and some things are wrong. People are incurably moral. In psychology, it is often called the conscience. In theology, it may be referred to as the “sense of ought” or the imprint of the divine.

It is true that the standard by which the conscience condemns or affirms is influenced by the culture. For example, in Inuit culture, if one is on a trek and runs out of food, it is perfectly permissible to enter the igloo of a stranger and eat whatever is available. In most other Western cultures, to enter an unoccupied house would be considered breaking and entering, an offense punishable as a crime. Although the standard of right will differ from culture to culture and sometimes within cultures, all people have a sense of right and wrong.

When one’s sense of right is violated, that person will experience anger. He or she will feel wronged and resentful at the person who has violated their trust. The wrongful act stands as a barrier between the two people, and their relationship has been fractured. They cannot, even if desired, live as though the wrong had not been committed. Jack, whose brother swindled him years ago, says, “Things have never been the same between us.” Whatever the offense something inside the offended calls for justice. It is these human realities that serve as the basis of all judicial systems. 

While justice may bring some sense of satisfaction to the offended person, justice does not typically restore relationships. If an employee who is found stealing from the company is caught, tried, and fined or imprisoned, everyone says, “Justice has been served.” But the company is not likely to restore the employee to the original place of leadership. On the other hand, if an employee steals from the company but quickly takes responsibility for the error, reports that misdeed to the supervisor, expresses sincere regret, offers to pay for all inequities, and pleads for mercy, there is the possibility that the employee will be allowed to continue with the company. 

Humankind has an amazing capacity to forgive. I remember a number of years ago visiting the town of Coventry, England. I stood in the shell of a cathedral that had been bombed by the Nazis in the Second World War. I listened as the guide told the story of the new cathedral that rose beside the ruins. Some years after the war, a group of Germans had come and helped build the new cathedral as an act of contrition for the damages their fellow countrymen had inflicted. Everyone had agreed to allow the ruins to remain in the shadow of the new cathedral. Both structures were symbolic: the one of man’s inhumanity to man, the other of the power of forgiveness and reconciliation. 

Something in us cries out for reconciliation when wrongdoing has fractured a relationship. The desire for reconciliation is often more potent than the desire for justice. The more intimate the relationship, the deeper the desire for reconciliation. When a husband treats his wife unfairly, in her hurt and anger she is pulled between a longing for justice and a desire for mercy. On the one hand, she wants him to pay for his wrongdoing; on the other hand, she wishes for reconciliation. It is his sincere apology that makes genuine reconciliation possible.

I have looked into the eyes of teenage rage and wondered how different life would be if an abusive father had apologized. Without apologies, anger builds and pushes us to demand justice. When, as we see it, justice is not forthcoming, we often take matters into our own hands and seek revenge on those who have wronged us. 

REACT: Do you agree with Dr. Chapman that “people are incurably moral”? Think of a story you’ve heard or experience you’ve had showing humankind’s “amazing capacity to forgive.”

from Help For A Hurting Marriage by Dr. Gary Chapman