Category: Saving Marriage

‘Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.’ Ecclesiastes 4:9-12(NLT)

Scripture: Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

Lie #6 – The kids will be better if we divorce.

Several studies have proven the devastating effects divorce has on children showing that children of all ages deal with negative impact on their emotions, behavior patterns, compliance with rules, and self-image, to name a few. And that’s just short-term. The truth is the kids will be worse off if you divorce.

Instead of seeing a couple give up on each other, it is far better that children see parents who:

• Focus on Christ – Christ is the only one who can mold the heart fruitfully. Kids need to see authorities be faithful to Christ and see how He is conforming them to Himself.
• Seek outside help – It’s often hard for people to look for help from others. Kids need to know that it’s okay not to know all the answers. They need to see parents seeking out and confiding in others who can help bring answers.
• Crucify their flesh – Our fleshly desires for personal satisfaction come at the expense of people around us. Kids need to see adults look to others with compassion, even if it’s inconvenient and painful.
• Break old patterns – Things don’t have to be the same. Kids need a role model that removes their bad habits and focuses on Jesus and the things He has planned for their lives.
• Forgive forever – Often our hearts and love are compromised by grudges towards our spouse. Kids need to see parents who forgive and forget, who are willing to work on past hurts, even to the point of forgiving despite lack of regret on the other person’s part.
• Trust in Christ – It’s easy to try meeting our own spiritual needs with “stuff” or “better circumstances.” Kids need to learn that Christ is the only one who always provides and always supports us.

Two are better than one,
because they have a good return for their labor:
If either of them falls down,
one can help the other up….
…A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.
—Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

Our kids need to live in a loving, nurturing home with both parents working through the hardship of marriage together. Surrendered to Christ, they exemplify for their kids that marriage is hard (just like life), but so, so very worth the commitment now and in the long run.

The lie is that the kids will be better if we divorce. The truth is the kids will be worse off if you divorce.

God, for the good of my kids and everyone around me, I place myself in Your hands now. I hold my children dear in my heart. Reveal to me how I can be a better spiritual leader to them by walking in Your Spirit today. Amen.

from Lies That Can Ruin A Marriage by Pete Briscoe

‘Some Pharisees came and tried to trap him with this question: “Should a man be allowed to divorce his wife for just any reason?” “Haven’t you read the Scriptures?” Jesus replied. “They record that from the beginning ‘God made them male and female.’” And he said, “‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together.”’ Matthew 19:3-6(NLT)

‘But I say that a man who divorces his wife, unless she has been unfaithful, causes her to commit adultery. And anyone who marries a divorced woman also commits adultery.’ Matthew 5:32(NLT)

‘Now, I will speak to the rest of you, though I do not have a direct command from the Lord. If a fellow believer has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to continue living with him, he must not leave her. And if a believing woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to continue living with her, she must not leave him. For the believing wife brings holiness to her marriage, and the believing husband brings holiness to his marriage. Otherwise, your children would not be holy, but now they are holy. ‘ 1 Corinthians 7:12-14(NLT)

Scripture: Matthew 19:3-6

Lie #5 – Divorce is an option.

I mean, jeez. Really? What happened to “till death do we part”? Entertaining this idea puts a cap on the commitment you’re willing to give to your spouse and will allow other distractions to take away concentration from your relationship. If that little idea’s in the back of your mind, it’s killing your marriage, guaranteed.

In Matthew 19:3-6 a group of Pharisees came to test Jesus and asked: “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?” “‘Haven’t you read,” he replied. “That at the beginning the Creator made them male and female, and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” Jesus doesn’t have a category for divorce because the married couple is no longer two people. They’re one. How do you separate one person from one person?

Now, there are allowances in Scripture for divorce in extreme circumstances…

• Matthew 5:32: Jesus said, “Except for sexual immorality.” He made an exception for people whose spouses were acting out sexually. In some of those cases, you can move forward with divorce.
• 1 Corinthians 7:12-14:  If you become a believer and your spouse is a non-believer, remains a non-believer and they leave you, divorce is allowed.
• Death probably counts too… But not if you cause it! (There is that commandment about murder, but let’s not go there.)

Just remember: An exception, by definition, is exceptional for extreme cases. It’s normal for marriage to get tough – even so tough that you don’t think you can handle it anymore. But your two options are not “stay in this miserable marriage, or get divorced.” Your two options are: 1) disengage, be unhappy, numb, and live separate lives under the same roof, or 2) actively engross yourself in whatever is necessary to bring life to your marriage by letting Christ handle what you can’t handle anymore.

The lie is that divorce is an option. The truth is that your marriage will suffer if you think you have an option to get out.

Holy Spirit, You are the great Counselor and by Your counsel, I burn my bridges. I’m all in until death do we part. Jesus, I no longer live, but You live in me. I fully surrender to Your leadership. Father, the battle belongs to You. I rest in You and trust in You to bring us to a point of victory over the world, the flesh, and the devil. Amen.</

from Lies That Can Ruin A Marriage by Pete Briscoe

‘Let us hold tightly without wavering to the hope we affirm, for God can be trusted to keep his promise. Let us think of ways to motivate one another to acts of love and good works. And let us not neglect our meeting together, as some people do, but encourage one another, especially now that the day of his return is drawing near.’ Hebrews 10:23-25(NLT)

Scripture: Hebrews 10:23-25

Lie #4 – You and your spouse can handle marital struggles on your own. 

Satan ‘s strategy is to divide and conquer. He wants you to think that you are the only ones going through this stuff (Ha!). He wants you to feel more embarrassed than you feel motivated to get help. He wants you to avoid the people who speak truth and love into your life. He wants you to disobey one of the foundational principles in Scripture:

Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another – and all the more as you see the Day approaching. —Hebrews 10:23-25

You need that. I need that. We need that. It’s a lie to think otherwise. It’s called loving biblical community.

What’s going on in your key relationships? What’s up in your marriage? Are you trying to handle it on your own? If you want to go it alone, I suppose you can try, but why? Maybe it’s time to flush some pride and ego and get connected like God designed it?

The lie is that you can get through the tough times in your marriage alone.  The truth is that a marriage surrounded by loving biblical community will do better than a marriage experienced in isolation.

God, I accept that I am not an island. I need You. I need what You provide through others when things are tough. I confess my prideful, independent flesh patterns. Make me willing to accept Your grace, wisdom, and support through others. Show me whom You want me to connect with today. Amen.

from Lies That Can Ruin A Marriage by Pete Briscoe

‘When I think of all this, I fall to my knees and pray to the Father, the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth. I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.’ Ephesians 3:14-19(NLT)

‘For in Christ lives all the fullness of God in a human body. So you also are complete through your union with Christ, who is the head over every ruler and authority.’ Colossians 2:9-10(NLT)

Scripture: Ephesians 3:14-19

Lie #3 – Your spouse will complete you. 

If you believe this lie, your thoughts might sound like this:

• I need someone else to fill the empty places in my life.
• If I find that person, my loneliness will be gone and I will be whole.
• The right person will complement me. They will be strong when I am weak.
• Etc., etc., etc…

You can go on believing that fantasy if you want, but the truth is this: Your spouse will NOT complete you; your spouse will complicate you. If you are single, trust me on this one. If you are married, you can stop nodding your head right now. One of God’s purposes in marriage is to use our spouse to reveal our flesh patterns, selfishness, and sin. If you are looking for true love and affirmation, only Christ will complete you.

For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge – that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. —Ephesians 3:14-19

As we come to grips with the love of Christ, we find fulfillment in Him, and then we get to delight in the relationships we have been given.

All I can say is that it works for Libby and me. When we walk in the Spirit, rather than the flesh, we really see Jesus as our answer, Jesus as our power, Jesus as our strength, and Jesus as our love. When we see ourselves as completed in Christ, all the pressure is lifted off one another, and we actually start delighting each other.

For in Christ all the fullness of the Deity lives in bodily form, and in Christ you have been brought to fullness. —Colossians 2: 9-10

The lie is that your spouse will complete you. The truth is that only Christ will complete you.

Father, show me where I am depending on others to complete me, rather than receiving my completeness in Christ. Refocus the expectations I place on others to complete me.  I know I was designed to be filled by You!  Amen.

from Lies That Can Ruin A Marriage by Pete Briscoe

‘Now regarding the questions you asked in your letter. Yes, it is good to abstain from sexual relations. ‘ 1 Corinthians 7:1(NLT)

‘But I wish everyone were single, just as I am. Yet each person has a special gift from God, of one kind or another. So I say to those who aren’t married and to widows—it’s better to stay unmarried, just as I am. ‘ 1 Corinthians 7:7-8(NLT)

‘I want you to be free from the concerns of this life. An unmarried man can spend his time doing the Lord’s work and thinking how to please him. But a married man has to think about his earthly responsibilities and how to please his wife. His interests are divided. In the same way, a woman who is no longer married or has never been married can be devoted to the Lord and holy in body and in spirit. But a married woman has to think about her earthly responsibilities and how to please her husband. I am saying this for your benefit, not to place restrictions on you. I want you to do whatever will help you serve the Lord best, with as few distractions as possible.’ 1 Corinthians 7:32-35(NLT)

Scripture: 1 Corinthians 7:1-1, 7-8, 32-35

Lie #2 – You can’t be happy unless you’re married.

Think you have to be married to be whole and happy? Get this: Paul spends the whole chapter of 1 Corinthians 7 convincing people not to get married.

Now for the matters you wrote about: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” … I wish that all men were as I am [Paul was single]. But each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that.  Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried… I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs – how he can please the Lord.  But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world – how he can please his wife – and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world – how she can please her husband. I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord. —1 Corinthians 7:1-1, 7-8, 32-35

Do you believe you can’t be happy unless you’re married? The truth is this: Singleness is either a gift to cherish or a season to enjoy.

The loneliest people I know are not single adults. The loneliest people are people I know trapped in a bad marriage.  Marriage is not the happiness pill a lot of people think it is. If you want to be happy in marriage, remember that true joy and fulfillment are found only in Christ. Period.

The lie is that you can’t be happy unless you’re married. The truth is that singleness is either a gift to cherish or a season to enjoy.

God, Your Word says, “in Your presence there is fullness of joy.” I lay claim to that truth right here, right now, no matter what my circumstances might be. Turn my heart towards You, as my source of true fulfillment – filling me until I’m full – in “need” of nothing else. Amen.

from Lies That Can Ruin A Marriage by Pete Briscoe

‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ Genesis 2:24(NLT)

Scripture: Genesis 2:24

Lie #1 – Marriage is an archaic institution and irrelevant for modern and enlightened people.

Many believe this lie; the rest of us need to ask ourselves if marriage is even worth it. Why do we even need this anymore?”

That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. —Genesis 2:24

This is the way God always intended it: one man, one woman coming together, becoming one, enjoying oneness in Christ. It’s God’s original plan, and it’s meant to last. He’s never rescinded it. Marriage is simply one of God’s great ideas.

I’ve done dozens of weddings over the years, and I start them all the same way:

“Marriage is:

• A holy estate.
• Instituted by God.
• Commanded in Scripture for all who enter it lawfully and in true affection.
• Confirmed by Christ’s solemn words and consecrated by His gracious presence at the marriage feast in Cana of Galilee.
• Set forth by the apostle as signifying the mystical union between Christ and the Church.
• Ordained for the consecration of union between man and woman so that the natural instincts being directed aright they might live in purity and honor.
• Ordained for the increase of mankind and that children might be brought up in the fear and the nurture of the Lord.
• Ordained for companionship, health, and comfort, which husband and wife ought to have of each other.
• Ordained for the welfare of human society which can be strong and happy only where the marriage bond is held highly in honor.”

Satan lies. The truth is that marriage is divine, timeless, and significant. You might be in it or out of it – either way, marriage is part of God’s eternal purpose for the Body of Christ… and it will be until death we do part.

The lie is that marriage is archaic – that it’s temporal and obsolete. The truth is that marriage is divine which means it’s timeless and significant.

God, make me a vessel of Your truth. When I begin to doubt the validity and need of marriage, make me willing to take that thought captive. By Your Spirit and Your Word, convict me of Your divine purpose in the marriage covenant for my good and for Your glory. Amen.

from Lies That Can Ruin A Marriage by Pete Briscoe

‘Take no part in the worthless deeds of evil and darkness; instead, expose them. It is shameful even to talk about the things that ungodly people do in secret. But their evil intentions will be exposed when the light shines on them, for the light makes everything visible. This is why it is said, “Awake, O sleeper, rise up from the dead, and Christ will give you light.”’ Ephesians 5:11-14(NLT)

Scripture: Ephesians 5:11-14

Late one night, about five years ago, my wife and I found ourselves sitting in our kitchen. We started talking and it went something like this:

Libby: “Okay, we really need to talk.”

Me: “Okay, let’s talk.”

Libby: “I’m so angry at you I can barely stand it.”

Me: “Why?”

Libby: “I’m not even sure why. I’m just seething with anger.”

Me: “Well, you know what? I’m angry at you, too.”

We talked a little bit more and a little bit more, and eventually she came out with it:

Libby: “You know, I don’t even like you anymore.”

Me: “I don’t like you, either.”

We just stared at each other – silence for the longest time. It was a defining moment. The future of our family hung in the balance.

• We realized that the marriage we had constructed was a poor imitation of what God really had for us.
• We also knew we were locked into the journey of life together.
• Would we just sit there and let our marriage continue to die?

I’ve learned a lot since then, and I’ve become more and more convinced of a simple truth:

Satan divides, and the Holy Spirit unites.

Satan is at work in our marriages, our families, and our friendships, and some of his favorite tools are his lies. With an IQ of about 30 million, he and his comrades have woven a web of deception and deceit. If you believe those lies, your relationships can disintegrate before your eyes and you’ll wonder what happened – at least, that’s what happened to us. Paul laid out a counter attack:

Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. It is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. But everything exposed by the light becomes visible – and everything that is illuminated becomes a light. This is why it is said: “Wake up, sleeper, rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you.” —Ephesians 5:11-14

That night in the kitchen was a turning point. We didn’t know how we got where we were, and we didn’t know where we were headed. But we decided that we were going to put in the hard work, learn to be painfully honest, and ask Christ to give us the marriage that He longed for us to have. As we journeyed out, I became acutely aware of several lies of Satan that are rampantly believed in relationships that are in trouble, like ours was.

Feel trapped like we did? The truth can set your marriage free.

Father, right here, right now, begin to expose the lies of darkness that I have accepted as true. Expose them with the light of Your Word. Wake me, elevate me, shine the light of Jesus on my home and my relationships. Amen.

from Lies That Can Ruin A Marriage by Pete Briscoe