Category: Saving Marriage

‘The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure.’ 1 Corinthians 10:13(NLT)

‘So humble yourselves before God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. ‘ James 4:7(NLT)

‘So I say, let the Holy Spirit guide your lives. Then you won’t be doing what your sinful nature craves. ‘ Galatians 5:16(NLT)

‘If we are unfaithful, he remains faithful, for he cannot deny who he is.’ 2 Timothy 2:13(NLT)

Whether you’re married or not, whether your marriage is good or not, imagine this. You’re looking at the person who decided to give up their heart, some dreams, their body, their years, and their singleness because they committed to enter a lifelong, exclusive partnership of selfless love with you. You’re about to tell them you’ve put all of that and so much more on the line because someone kept flirting with you at work, or because you didn’t think they listened, or because you felt like they lost their passion in the bedroom. Now is the best time to do whatever it takes to protect your marriage.

No one wants to end up part of that conversation, but too many of us will. Maybe we’ll neglect our spouse’s desires. Maybe we’ll enjoy time alone with someone else. Maybe we’ll let porn, work, or ministry get in the way of our marriage. But let’s kick adulterously bad advice to the curb and replace it with the good stuff! Here are four ways to protect your marriage from adultery today.

1. Radically reduce risks. Risk is for extreme sports, retirement funds, and business ventures—not marriage fidelity. It’s great to take risks together like moving to a new place or going on adventures. But don’t risk your relationship. Instead, stoke the fire of your faith. Never talk badly about your spouse to other people. Ever. Surround yourself with strong marriages. Avoid risky situations with the opposite sex. Is it really that important to go somewhere alone with the opposite sex? Don’t ever be alone with the wrong people.

2. Water your lawn. If the grass is greener on the other side, then water your own lawn. Discover your spouse’s love languages and pour into them with passionate service. Do dishes. Go to counseling. Work out. Listen. Part with that pair of sweatpants. Get alone together, spiritual together, and naked together. Make your spouse the most important human being in your life. Put your spouse in front of kids, work, money, things, hobbies, and yes, your own mother! Love your spouse like Christ loves the Church.

3. Understand the devastation of adultery. No matter what romance novels and television love-triangles say about it, adultery devastates lives. It hurts the two people involved as well as their kids, their families, their friends, their co-workers, the people who look up to them, their businesses, their ministries, and the future of their marriages. That’s the short list. It’s ugly and never worth it. Google this: How many affairs turn into marriage?

4. Know God’s Good News. Even when we are unfaithful, God is faithful. Like Pastor Craig says, adultery may be grounds for divorce, but it’s also grounds for forgiveness. Christ died for all sin. If you have experienced adultery, healing is possible. Look to Christ, find strength to forgive, seek counseling, regain trust, and do the hard—but unbelievably powerful—work of restoration.

—Jason

from Marriage Crisis

‘Take hold of my instructions; don’t let them go. Guard them, for they are the key to life.’ Proverbs 4:13(NLT)

‘Get all the advice and instruction you can, so you will be wise the rest of your life.’ Proverbs 19:20(NLT)

‘Don’t let anyone capture you with empty philosophies and high-sounding nonsense that come from human thinking and from the spiritual powers of this world, rather than from Christ. ‘ Colossians 2:8(NLT)

‘So encourage each other and build each other up, just as you are already doing.’ 1 Thessalonians 5:11(NLT)

‘Let us think of ways to motivate one another to acts of love and good works. ‘ Hebrews 10:24(NLT)

I’ve never met an engaged couple who expected to go through any type of marital trauma in their marriage. Their new, untested love tells them they won’t be like other couples and that, somehow, their love will be one that lasts. But the truth is, all couples will at some point face marriage problems.

So, what do you do when your life comes to a screeching halt because your most important earthly relationship is in jeopardy? As Christ-following married couples, we are to seek God, spend time in His Word, and pray for healing in our marriages. Thankfully, God also uses people to help show us the way. When you’re facing a marriage crisis, here are three types of people to seek out:

1. People who are biblically grounded. This means counselors and friends. When a crisis arises in our marriage, culture screams its own set of ideals and “truths.” In times of dilemma, we need to surround ourselves with people who love and know the Bible well. LifeGroups and small groups are a great place to start.

2. People who are for your marriage. It’s so easy to listen to well-meaning friends who love you, take your side, and want you to be happy. But you need friends who want to see your marriage succeed. Friends who are willing to speak the truth even if it’s not what we want to hear.

3. A godly couple who has walked through difficulty in their marriage. One of the best things we can do in a time like this is to find a couple who has beaten the odds and stayed together despite a crisis. They offer hope by their mere presence in our lives.

Our God is in the business of bringing life back to lifeless things—and that includes your marriage. Trust Him. He is the only one who will never let you down.

—Cindy

from Marriage Crisis

‘The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit. You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God.’ Psalms 51:17(NLT)

‘But ‘God made them male and female’ from the beginning of creation. ‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together.”’ Mark 10:6-9(NLT)

‘Then Jesus got into the boat and started across the lake with his disciples. Suddenly, a fierce storm struck the lake, with waves breaking into the boat. But Jesus was sleeping. The disciples went and woke him up, shouting, “Lord, save us! We’re going to drown!” Jesus responded, “Why are you afraid? You have so little faith!” Then he got up and rebuked the wind and waves, and suddenly there was a great calm. The disciples were amazed. “Who is this man?” they asked. “Even the winds and waves obey him!”’ Matthew 8:23-27(NLT)

‘Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.’ 1 Peter 5:7(NLT)

‘Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony. And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are called to live in peace. And always be thankful. Let the message about Christ, in all its richness, fill your lives. Teach and counsel each other with all the wisdom he gives. Sing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs to God with thankful hearts. And whatever you do or say, do it as a representative of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through him to God the Father.’ Colossians 3:12-17(NLT)

‘This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”’ Joshua 1:9(NLT)

A few years into marriage, I stood alone in our house staring at a sailboat painting on the wall. My husband, Jason, had left for work after another hurtful conversation. I couldn’t help but wonder: how could I make my marriage work when my parents’ marriage didn’t?

If your parents are divorced or their marriage is struggling, you’ve probably felt afraid that your own vows might break into pieces. Maybe you stood in the aisle on your wedding day and whispered a vow never to make the same mistakes they made. 

Internal alarms went off when my husband and I faced challenges. Wasn’t my marriage supposed to be smooth sailing? Had my parents faced the same struggles in their marriage? I had decided it was up to me to make our marriage last, but it wasn’t going well. I began to identify with my parents’ brokenness. 

Here’s what I realized: only when we start looking our brokenness in the face can it tell us the truth.

King David had some brokenness to face. He made several marriage mistakes—including an affair. Still, he kept depending on God with a broken and contrite heart.

Do you find yourself laying out all of your heart to God, or are you depending on yourself? The harder I worked as the marriage-saver, the more I hated losing my temper or disappointing my husband. Lighten your load. Do you believe God is daunted by hardship in your marriage? God actually delights in your need for Him. If human perfection and mere human effort at divorce prevention worked, we wouldn’t need God.

So, how can we make our marriages and remarriages work? As I cried in front of the painting, I realized for the first time that there were three dark figures, and God was teaching me something through them! I wasn’t alone. It wasn’t just me and my husband. Jesus always had been and always will be in our boat. We don’t have to fear divorce or overspend ourselves trying to singlehandedly prevent it. We can grow together as we face our inadequacy with Jesus in our boat.

1. Give yourself permission to be broken. This one feels awkward at first. Who wants to mess up? When you make a mistake or you feel distant from your spouse, ask God how He sees you and your marriage. Forgive yourself and ask God for His forgiveness.

2. Say a prayer of forgiveness for your parents whenever you start to blame or belittle their marriage. When you forgive your parents for their marriage failures, your marriage can have freedom to grow through difficulty.

3. Take one brave step. Whether it’s starting another Bible Plan after this one, saying yes to marriage counseling together, praying together, or writing out a vision statement as a couple, take the next brave step toward facing your fears knowing Jesus is in the boat. 

—Kristy 

from Marriage Crisis

‘What shall we say about such wonderful things as these? If God is for us, who can ever be against us? ‘ Romans 8:31(NLT)

‘The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure.’ 1 Corinthians 10:13(NLT)

‘For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.’ 2 Timothy 1:7(NLT)

‘And so, dear brothers and sisters, I plead with you to give your bodies to God because of all he has done for you. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice—the kind he will find acceptable. This is truly the way to worship him. Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.’ Romans 12:1-2(NLT)

‘Don’t you realize that in a race everyone runs, but only one person gets the prize? So run to win! All athletes are disciplined in their training. They do it to win a prize that will fade away, but we do it for an eternal prize. So I run with purpose in every step. I am not just shadowboxing. I discipline my body like an athlete, training it to do what it should. Otherwise, I fear that after preaching to others I myself might be disqualified.’ 1 Corinthians 9:24-27(NLT)

Marriage is hard work, but as you may painfully know, pornography makes it even more difficult. If you find yourself stuck in a cycle of watching pornography, and you just want to stop, there is hope. Jesus did not defeat the power of death only to let sexual addiction destroy marriages! Jesus can restore you—and your marriage.

Here are five behaviors of people who live free from pornography:

Behavior #1: Decide you want to stop. Oswald Chambers says we need to make “a complete and effective decision about sin.” In other words, you have to decide you really want to stop. The power of our complete and effective, daily, outspoken decisions cannot be underestimated.

Behavior #2: Visualize “later.” It’s worth asking the question, “What’s the absolute worst thing that would happen to me if I don’t change?” For example, “What if my wife catches me watching porn?” Or, imagine the future as a father addicted to pornography, “What if my daughter caught me using porn?” Visualizing “later” doesn’t solve the problem, but it may motivate you to take the necessary steps to move away from pornography.

Behavior #3: Get brutally honest with people. The thought of sharing your past sexual struggles with anyone may seem terrifying. In fact, your spiritual enemy wants nothing more than for you to keep on believing you’ve “got this.” The truth is, you’ll continue to fail unless you invite a team of trusted friends into your healing. Find one man or one woman who’ll become your mentor or accountability partner. This person is someone who loves God and understands you.

Behavior #4: Close the open doors.

What are you using to access the pornography? Whatever device you’re using, you’ll want to close the door completely by removing access, or, if for some reason you need to keep access, utilize an accountability service to send a report of your internet usage to your trusted friends.

Behavior #5: Pray.

If you’re fighting to quit pornography, then you know it’s a war. When you choose to fight your porn addiction, it will fight you back. Imagine the prayers of soldiers going into battle. They pray for protection, strength, and survival. Does this describe your prayer life? Pray like victory is imminent. Because you have victory in Christ.

Porn can ruin marriages, but there’s hope. If you agree life without porn is a better life and want to take your first step toward living porn-free, don’t wait another day! You can take your first step to living a porn-free life today.

—Chris

from Marriage Crisis

‘Hear me, Lord , and have mercy on me. Help me, O Lord .” You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy, that I might sing praises to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever!’ Psalms 30:10-12(NLT)

‘“If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins.’ Matthew 6:14-15(NLT)

‘But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness. ‘ 1 John 1:9(NLT)

‘“Come now, let’s settle this,” says the Lord . “Though your sins are like scarlet, I will make them as white as snow. Though they are red like crimson, I will make them as white as wool.’ Isaiah 1:18(NLT)

‘Where is another God like you, who pardons the guilt of the remnant, overlooking the sins of his special people? You will not stay angry with your people forever, because you delight in showing unfailing love. Once again you will have compassion on us. You will trample our sins under your feet and throw them into the depths of the ocean!’ Micah 7:18-19(NLT)

I vividly remember the day I found out my husband was having an affair. The following days were met with confusion, sorrow, prayer, and counsel. How could I, a therapist, be in this situation? What did I not see? Were there signs of trouble that I missed? But one question outweighed all the others. What do you do when you discover your significant other has had an affair?

There is no simple solution, but there is hope. Hope in a God who heals. Hope that, with some hard work and a lot of prayer and hard conversations, your marriage can be restored. In my experience, the couples who emerge healed take three steps.

Three Steps Toward Healing After an Extramarital Affair:

1. Make an Honest Assessment
The most important decision to make is whether or not the marriage is worth fighting for. If you’ve been cheated on, you’ll need to see more than just remorse from your spouse. You’ll need to see signs they’re turning from their old ways—and turning toward what God wants for them, instead. This is how you’ll know you can walk forward together toward healing in your marriage. 

I wish I could say this always happens. Sometimes, it doesn’t. But you can be sure that God will restore you to a place of healing as a single person, too. Whether or not you and your spouse are walking forward together, don’t delay in moving on to the next step on this list.

2. Get Help
You must find someone to talk to. Go to your mentor, pastor, a therapist, or a counselor. If you’re both willing to fight for your marriage, find someone you both trust and feel comfortable with. It’s important for both of you to feel comfortable in order to create a safe environment in which to communicate honestly and vulnerably.

3. Embrace the Process of Forgiveness
Many spouses who have affairs will experience pain, shame, and embarrassment. It’s important to process those emotions, but not hold onto them forever. Part of the healing process involves moving past what happened to a place of communication, vulnerability, and trust. If you’ve had an affair, ask God for forgiveness, ask your spouse for forgiveness, and most of all, ask yourself for forgiveness.

If you’ve been cheated on, you have a path of forgiveness to walk, too. As followers of Christ, we must learn to forgive one another no matter how badly we’ve been hurt. When we choose to forgive, we are healing, we are honoring Christ, and we are becoming transformed into a new person.

Is any of this easy? No. But I’m so thankful my husband and I put in the hard work. My marriage is so different from what it used to be. And, I can attest that those I’ve worked with who’ve had to start fresh after a devastating end to their marriage have also made it. We’re a band of people who are living proof that with God’s help, you can make it through an extramarital affair.

—Jenna 

from Marriage Crisis

‘And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. ‘ Philippians 4:8(NLT)

‘The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life.’ John 10:10(NLT)

‘As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend.’ Proverbs 27:17(NLT)

‘If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing. If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it; but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing. Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. Prophecy and speaking in unknown languages and special knowledge will become useless. But love will last forever! Now our knowledge is partial and incomplete, and even the gift of prophecy reveals only part of the whole picture! But when the time of perfection comes, these partial things will become useless. When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things. Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely. Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love.’ 1 Corinthians 13:1-13(NLT)

If you find yourself in a marriage crisis right now, you’re not alone. Over the next few days, we’ll explore some stories from real-life people who have made it through addictions, affairs, and brokenness. They’ll share what they’ve learned through the mess and give us some practical tips for navigating situations that seem too much to handle. But first, what if you’re trying to prevent a marriage crisis in the first place? Here’s some general relationship counseling advice anyone in any marriage could benefit from. 

Wouldn’t it be great if we had classes like “People Skills” and “How to Budget”? But of all the classes we would have found useful, I think none would have been more important than a relationship counseling class. Why? Because we all have holes in our relationship knowledge. We’re good at navigating certain situations … and at a loss when it comes to others. If “Relationships 101” were a real class we could take, here are a few of the basics we would learn.

4 of the Best Pieces of Relationship Counseling for Everyone

1. We are all flawed. And we marry flawed people. I used to find myself drowning in a dreamy standard of marriage that I couldn’t meet. The resulting stress wreaked havoc in our home. I needed to embrace a big dose of God’s grace so I could then extend a big dose of grace to my husband. God’s grace, extended through one another, is probably the most important ingredient in any relationship.

2. Focus on that which is praiseworthy. It’s so easy to focus on what’s wrong. However, the Word of God tells us in Philippians 4:8 to focus on that which is pure and admirable and praiseworthy. Living any other way stifles the abundant life God has in store for us. It takes discipline to focus your attention on what’s good, but it’s a blessing to both your relationship and your soul to learn this valuable lesson.

3. Good relationships take effort, time, and investment. We all come from parents we didn’t choose, in cities we didn’t choose, in a time in history we didn’t choose. But God can use our relationships to make us into better people—if we are willing to put in the time and effort. We can’t change others, but we can choose to have a gracious and forgiving heart. 

4. The greatest of these is love. Love is patient and kind. It does not brag and is not arrogant. It does not act unbecoming or selfish. Love covers sin and does not expose it. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things. 1 Corinthians 13 is often preached as a standard of conduct we must achieve. However, it is a beautiful picture of how Christ loves us. As we comprehend and embrace His love for us, it will spill over into our relationships. 1 Corinthians 13 is the best “relationship counselor” for those of us who need it. 

Not a bad syllabus, right? But no one actually graduates from the “Relationship 101” class. We will spend our lives learning more about this subject. Life beckons us to study well. A wise life is well-lived and is deeply rooted in relationships well-loved!

—Roxanne 

from Marriage Crisis