Category: Saving Marriage

‘Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.’ Philippians 4:6-7(NLT)

‘Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.’ 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18(NLT)

James and Jennifer survived the deployment—which wasn’t easy. After all, he was the one at home with their three children, and she was gone for a year. Jennifer couldn’t wait to be a wife to her husband and a Mom to her kids again. But it seemed the kids went to their Dad for everything and James didn’t consult her on anything. She was angry. Her Mom told her to “count her blessings,” but honestly it was hard for her to see anything good in their family dynamics right now. The deployment seemed to have ruined their marriage and their family.

The Apostle Paul wrote in I Thessalonians 5:16-18 that we are to “rejoice always, pray without ceasing; give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” Give thanks in all circumstances . . . really? 

The truth is that it is through giving thanks that God’s light can shine even into the dark places of our life—including our disappointments, disillusionments, and discouragements. The transformation of a bitter attitude into one of humility, the transformation of a hurting marriage into a joy-filled marriage—it all starts with a grateful heart proclaiming life from salvation freely offered in grace by Jesus Christ.

The grace of gratitude says, “We thank God for bringing us back together, and we thank Him for all the ways He sustained us while apart.”

1. Why are James and Jennifer so discouraged?

2. According to I Thessalonians 5:18, how could grace be demonstrated in their marriage?

3. Do you express gratitude for your family, even when things are not going according to your expectations?

from Reintegration After Deployment

‘And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.’ Romans 8:38-39(NLT)

‘God is our refuge and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble.’ Psalms 46:1(NLT)

Amanda said the man who came home from deployment was not the man she married. It wasn’t obvious at first, but Josh was increasingly showing signs of post-traumatic stress. The thought that this might be what they were facing as a couple was scary to both of them, so they were afraid to talk about it. Both of them were surprised by Josh’s symptoms because he had gotten through three prior deployments without experiencing this level of operational stress. But things were getting worse, and neither of them knew exactly what to do. Amanda wondered if she should leave Josh. After all, this felt like more than she had signed up for when they married.

Your time of excitement at reintegration may be overshadowed by a long-term discovery of what is now going to be “different” in your marriage. Your commitment to each other in marriage will be tested, and you must remember that you are never alone—“God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble” (Psalm 46:1).

The struggles you experience may include physical injury, combat trauma, survivor’s guilt—all compounded by how you feel your experience is affecting your family. It took courage to face the enemy in war, but it may require more courage to face what is warring inside of you. Help is available, and God will strengthen you to stand strong together as a couple 

Whether your wounds of war are visible or invisible, God is the healer. The truth is, Jesus not only defeated death, but He defeated the effects of death—and you can find hope in His victory over the effects of death still fighting in you. 

The grace of healing says, “We will walk steadfastly, and with hope, together in God’s grace through the darkness of injury or combat trauma into the light of His Son, Jesus Christ.”

1. What do Josh and Amanda need to do next to help each other? Does any of their story apply to you?

2. How does a couple experiencing the wounds of war help others? What help do you need?

from Reintegration After Deployment

‘Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.’ Ephesians 4:32(NLT)

‘Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. ‘ Colossians 3:13(NLT)

‘For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God’s glorious standard. ‘ Romans 3:23(NLT)

Chris and Ashley experienced unexpected hurt when he got home from deployment. When Chris left, Ashley got lonely for adult conversation and decided to reach out to old high school friends on social media. There she found some former boyfriends who wanted to communicate. The attention Ashley got from those emotional encounters felt good, and she didn’t see any harm in this e-dialogue. But when Chris got home it was difficult for Ashley to break off these relationships. Chris became accusatory . . . and she became defensive. Ashley thought Chris must not trust her, and he was overreacting. Chris resented the fact that she was reaching out to other men. The situation created a rapidly rising wall between them.

The reality is that things may have happened during your deployment which will require difficult conversations . . . and forgiveness for hurt. It may be necessary to seek counsel from your chaplain, pastor, or Christian counselor. Genuine repentance, taking responsibility for actions, and asking for forgiveness are steps one needs to take in order to begin the process of regaining trust. 

Having those honest conversations takes the vulnerability to say, “I felt hurt when you _________.” It also takes the maturity to answer, “I’m so sorry I hurt you when I _________. I realize now that was wrong. Please forgive me.” 

Strength to willingly face these challenges of reintegration takes courage. Remember, the goal is oneness in your marriage. This often requires the grace of forgiveness, not just in deployment. Ruth Bell Graham says, “A happy marriage is the union of two forgivers.” 

Romans 3:23 reminds us “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” Our next step, then, as believers in Christ, is “bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive” (Colossians 3:13). 

The grace of forgiveness says, “I love you, and I am willing to pray with you and rely on God as together we learn to forgive.” This is not easy when you are tired and hurting, but God will bless your efforts to show His grace to one another. You can trust Him, knowing your marriage will actually end up stronger for having endured this struggle. 

1. What is the source of Chris and Ashley’s conflict?

2. As you self-examine your actions during deployment, what do you need to share with your spouse in order to seek God’s healing power of forgiveness?

from Reintegration After Deployment

‘Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too.’ Philippians 2:3-4(NLT)

 Matthew and Samantha are both very competent and pride themselves on a job well done. While Matthew was deployed, Samantha had the kids on a routine, which seemed to help them adjust to the fact that “Daddy’s gone.” Samantha managed all of the jobs at home and felt that was what was required. When Matthew returned home, he could tell everything was running smoothly and wondered where he would fit in. After seeing the family go off in their own directions doing their own things, he felt like a “third wheel” in his own house. While deployed he had been leading a unit in an exemplary way, but he doesn’t feel significant at home or appreciated anymore, so he withdrew.

It may take time to get back to normal physical patterns after a lengthy separation. After all, you are both tired—and excited. 

This is when it is extremely important to remember that reintegration is a season . . .  a journey. Be patient with each other. Talk about sharing responsibilities again. The spouse who found great significance in the military mission may need to regain a sense of purpose in normal household routines. 

Likewise, the spouse at home needs to gradually let go of some of the tasks he or she managed alone. Reintegration is a synchronized dance that takes time to relearn so that you don’t step on each other’s toes!

The grace of patience says, “I’m so glad we’re back together again. I will be patient during this time of transition and help you to readjust . . . not criticize.” 

1. What is the source of Matthew and Samantha’s conflict? Do you see that happening in your own marriage?

2. What steps can you take to avoid this becoming a continuing source of isolation in your reintegration?

from Reintegration After Deployment

‘Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.’ Ephesians 4:29(NLT)

‘Let your conversation be gracious and attractive so that you will have the right response for everyone.’ Colossians 4:6(NLT)

Jacob and Sarah were off to a good start on his return home. But as the days went by he got bossy in the handling of the household and the children. Sarah feels he is “barking orders” at her—as if she has done something wrong. But Jacob feels like too many things have been allowed to slide since he’s been gone …  so now it’s time to get their life back in order.

Like Jacob and Sarah, both of you as husband and wife have taken on different responsibilities during deployment. Adjusting to life together again can create harsh, demanding tones and explosive arguments when tasks are not done in a certain way. Unless checked by grace, barking orders at each other becomes a natural outgrowth of what you have experienced during your time apart. 

The grace of kind words says, “Humility and gentleness will shine best through my smile and kind speech.” You are not each other’s enemy, although it may take time and patience to view each other lovingly.

So take time each day to express gratitude for the many ways your spouse has faced their responsibilities during the challenging time of deployment. “You were really courageous,” and, “Thanks for taking good care of the kids,” are kind words which set the stage for even more opportunities to affirm each other. 

1. What is the source of Jacob and Sarah’s attitudes? How have you seen that happening in your own marriage?

2. What steps can you take to avoid this being a continuing source of conflict in your reintegration?

from Reintegration After Deployment

‘The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning.’ Lamentations 3:22-23(NLT)

‘Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. ‘ 2 Corinthians 12:9(NLT)

‘And have you forgotten the encouraging words God spoke to you as his children? He said, “My child, don’t make light of the Lord ’s discipline, and don’t give up when he corrects you.’ Hebrews 12:5(NLT)

During reintegration, you need God’s pure grace, what we call “reintegrace,” to bring you and your spouse back into oneness after deployment. Oneness in a marriage is not just physical, but emotional and spiritual as well. In the same way God gives grace to thrive during deployment, you can extend each other His grace to lead from the excitement-building, heart-racing, glee-producing “Welcome Home” moment through the inevitable adjustments and transitions which challenge a smooth return. 

Reintegrace leads military couples into deeper union with open communication, unselfish actions, patience, forgiveness, and willingness to share your time together after so much time apart. You might even be surprised to find that, because of God’s redeeming grace, your marriage can be better than it ever was before deployment!

The Grace of Daily Mercies 

Michael and Emily never thought they would feel the resentment they are experiencing now that Michael is home from deployment. He imagined he would be able to relax at home and recover from his long months out of the country—living in hostile areas and frequently under fire. Emily imagined he would want to plunge back in their activities and help take care of the kids again after so much time away. After all, she is tired, too. She was really looking forward to sharing life and chores with him again—and he felt she should understand his burden had been more than hers because of the constant danger.

Change is inevitable when a loved one goes off to war . . . and the family at home changes, too. There is often a temptation to “compare” trials. You each endured hardships, and any “one-upmanship” will only create conflict.

But extending daily grace means saying, ”I acknowledge your challenges and expectations. I want to imagine what it was like to walk in your shoes so I can appreciate what you’ve been through!” Initiate conversations, ask questions, and listen carefully to the answers. Be willing to reorder calendar priorities to produce time alone during reintegration in order to cultivate oneness. Looking for ways to honor and serve each other is an intentional daily exercise, and something God will honor since oneness in marriage glorifies God. Each day will bring new opportunities to see how everyone has changed, and how God can bring you back to oneness. 

1. What is the source of Michael and Emily’s conflict? Do you see that happening in your own marriage?

2. What steps can you take to avoid this being a continuing source of conflict in your reintegration?

from Reintegration After Deployment