Category: Saving Marriage

‘“And why worry about a speck in your friend’s eye when you have a log in your own? How can you think of saying to your friend, ‘Let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,’ when you can’t see past the log in your own eye? Hypocrite! First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend’s eye.’ Matthew 7:3-5(NLT)

‘Blind guides! You strain your water so you won’t accidentally swallow a gnat, but you swallow a camel! “What sorrow awaits you teachers of religious law and you Pharisees. Hypocrites! For you are so careful to clean the outside of the cup and the dish, but inside you are filthy—full of greed and self-indulgence! You blind Pharisee! First wash the inside of the cup and the dish, and then the outside will become clean, too.’ Matthew 23:24-26(NLT)

‘You hypocrites! Isaiah was right when he prophesied about you, for he wrote, ‘These people honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me.’ Matthew 15:7-8(NLT)

‘Dear brothers and sisters, if another believer is overcome by some sin, you who are godly should gently and humbly help that person back onto the right path. And be careful not to fall into the same temptation yourself. Share each other’s burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ. ‘ Galatians 6:1-2(NLT)

‘If you think you are standing strong, be careful not to fall. ‘ 1 Corinthians 10:12(NLT)

‘Create in me a clean heart, O God. Renew a loyal spirit within me. Do not banish me from your presence, and don’t take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and make me willing to obey you.’ Psalms 51:10-12(NLT)

‘“If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back. But if you are unsuccessful, take one or two others with you and go back again, so that everything you say may be confirmed by two or three witnesses. If the person still refuses to listen, take your case to the church. Then if he or she won’t accept the church’s decision, treat that person as a pagan or a corrupt tax collector.’ Matthew 18:15-17(NLT)

The problem with having a problem with hypocritical people is that it’s hypocritical. Think about it. Jesus said for us not to pick out a speck in someone else’s eye when we have a log in our own. Not to mention—pointing out the sawdust in your friend’s eye is a good way to end up with an entire two-by-four in your own.

The word “hypocrite” comes from a Greek word, hupokrites, which was used to describe stage actors and performers who wore masks. Sounds about right, doesn’t it?

So how do we combat hypocrisy without putting on a show?

Confronting hypocrisy starts by stepping off the stage, taking off the mask, and looking ourselves in the eye. We can’t very well help others with their hypocrisy until we deal with our own. Jesus had pretty harsh words for religious hypocrites who pointed out the sins of others all while covering their own. 

How do we confront our own hypocrisy? It starts with confession. Admit your mistakes. If you don’t know what they are, ask someone who knows you well. Then confess to God and people you love. When we confess to God, we receive forgiveness. When we confess to others, God uses our relationships to bring healing. Remember the power of relationships?

How do we confront hypocrisy in others? We confront in person first, with grace, humility, and awareness of our own shortcomings. Pastor Craig Groeschel often says we don’t confront with the goal of being right; we confront with the goal of helping others to be right with God. Finally, we confront with prayer, knowing how easily pride could put us into the same situation we’re confronting. 

Hypocritical people, overly needy people, critical people, and controlling people are so rarely just other people. When we see our own brokenness and realize we’re those people too, we can give Jesus His rightful place as Savior, and God can unleash His wonder-working power in and through our relationships. Because relationships are so often the ingredients and the recipients of God’s healing power in our world. 

What now? Start somewhere. You can’t fix every problem in every relationship. Actually, you can’t fix any of it; that’s God’s part. Just pick somewhere to start. Will you start with controlling relationships, critical relationships, needy relationships, or hypocritical relationships? Who will you start with? What do you need to confess? Start somewhere and let God begin to transform you, your relationships, and as a result, your world. 

Pray: God please show me where to start. Show me the broken places. Give me the strength to focus and the humility to receive Your healing work in my life. Amen. 

from Relational Vampires

‘But as for me, I am poor and needy; please hurry to my aid, O God. You are my helper and my savior; O Lord , do not delay.’ Psalms 70:5(NLT)

‘Peter and John went to the Temple one afternoon to take part in the three o’clock prayer service. As they approached the Temple, a man lame from birth was being carried in. Each day he was put beside the Temple gate, the one called the Beautiful Gate, so he could beg from the people going into the Temple. When he saw Peter and John about to enter, he asked them for some money. Peter and John looked at him intently, and Peter said, “Look at us!” The lame man looked at them eagerly, expecting some money. But Peter said, “I don’t have any silver or gold for you. But I’ll give you what I have. In the name of Jesus Christ the Nazarene, get up and walk!” Then Peter took the lame man by the right hand and helped him up. And as he did, the man’s feet and ankles were instantly healed and strengthened. He jumped up, stood on his feet, and began to walk! Then, walking, leaping, and praising God, he went into the Temple with them. All the people saw him walking and heard him praising God. When they realized he was the lame beggar they had seen so often at the Beautiful Gate, they were absolutely astounded! ‘ Acts of the Apostles 3:1-10(NLT)

‘Once you were dead because of your disobedience and your many sins. You used to live in sin, just like the rest of the world, obeying the devil—the commander of the powers in the unseen world. He is the spirit at work in the hearts of those who refuse to obey God. All of us used to live that way, following the passionate desires and inclinations of our sinful nature. By our very nature we were subject to God’s anger, just like everyone else. But God is so rich in mercy, and he loved us so much, that even though we were dead because of our sins, he gave us life when he raised Christ from the dead. (It is only by God’s grace that you have been saved!) For he raised us from the dead along with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms because we are united with Christ Jesus. So God can point to us in all future ages as examples of the incredible wealth of his grace and kindness toward us, as shown in all he has done for us who are united with Christ Jesus. God saved you by his grace when you believed. And you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God. Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it. For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.’ Ephesians 2:1-10(NLT)

Remember how this Bible Plan started? We talked about how relationships are the recipients and the ingredients of some of God’s most amazing work. So what’s wrong in the recipe when needy relationships happen?

When David wrote Psalm 70:5 (quoting from the NIV here), he gave us a clue:

But as for me, I am poor and needy; come quickly to me, O God. You are my help and my deliverer; Lord, do not delay. 

The problem with needy human relationships is that there is only one Deliverer, and He is not you. When relationships require us to act like a savior, then we’re taking a space only Jesus can fill. 

Even Jesus didn’t meet every need while He was here on Earth. Scripture records a few times when He was needed, yet He’d gone away to pray or rest. 

Let’s look at our relationships again. Who’s acting as Deliverer and Savior? Is it God and Jesus? Is it you? Is it your spouse, a friend, a pastor? 

Here’s the thing—God does use trusting relationships to meet needs and bring restoration. In fact, they’re probably the main way He heals the world. We just have to remember it’s God who’s doing the restoring, and He’s restoring both halves of the relationship. At Life.Church, we have a similar mission principle that’s really easy to remember: We’re all broken in some way.

Whether we lack material resources, meaningful relationships, purpose, or hope in Christ, we all experience neediness. As we reach out to others hoping to mend brokenness, we know we bring our own brokenness into the mix. While we may be one ingredient of someone’s restoration, it’s God who holds the full recipe. 

Whether we’re always trying to save or be saved by others, we’re all still needy and broken. What Jesus-sized needs are you trying to fill within others?

Pray: God, You’re my deliverer. Jesus, You’re my savior. Forgive me for trying to save or be saved by anyone less than You. Please show me the ways I’ve tried to get my needs met outside of You. Please fill and heal those broken places. Amen.  

from Relational Vampires

‘So encourage each other and build each other up, just as you are already doing.’ 1 Thessalonians 5:11(NLT)

‘He did not retaliate when he was insulted, nor threaten revenge when he suffered. He left his case in the hands of God, who always judges fairly.’ 1 Peter 2:23(NLT)

‘Sensible people control their temper; they earn respect by overlooking wrongs.’ Proverbs 19:11(NLT)

‘If you listen to constructive criticism, you will be at home among the wise. If you reject discipline, you only harm yourself; but if you listen to correction, you grow in understanding.’ Proverbs 15:31-32(NLT)

‘Some people make cutting remarks, but the words of the wise bring healing.’ Proverbs 12:18(NLT)

‘So why do you condemn another believer ? Why do you look down on another believer? Remember, we will all stand before the judgment seat of God. For the Scriptures say, “‘As surely as I live,’ says the Lord , ‘every knee will bend to me, and every tongue will declare allegiance to God. ’” Yes, each of us will give a personal account to God. So let’s stop condemning each other. Decide instead to live in such a way that you will not cause another believer to stumble and fall.’ Romans 14:10-13(NLT)

A workplace study by researchers Emily Heaphy and Marcial Losada found that on the most high-performing teams, there are nearly six praises given for every one critical comment. The worst-performing teams had a ratio of 1-1, or in some cases, even three critical comments to one positive one. 

Think about the teams you’re on. At work, at home, at church, on the field, wherever. What’s your ratio? Who’s giving most of the praise? Who’s doing most of the criticizing?

Just like the Apostle Paul reminded the Thessalonians, we need to build each other up, not tear each other down. So that’s where we can all start. Audit your relationships and improve your ratio. 

But what if you’re constantly on the receiving end of critical relationships? No matter what you do, it’s never good enough. Life.Church Pastor, Craig Groeschel, has identified four helpful options for responding to critical people. 

1. Often you don’t need to respond. When they hurled insults at Jesus, He did not retaliate. Sometimes overlooking unfounded criticism is a way to practice forgiveness in real time. It’s not pretending it didn’t happen; it’s a conscious decision to let it go and forgive.
2. Sometimes you respond carefully. Respond, don’t react. The main difference between people who respond and people who react might be the amount of time they spend calming down first. Because when emotions are high, wisdom is low. Use compassion, prayer, and time to help you respond carefully. 
3. Occasionally you listen and make a change. Remember, the highest-performing teams aren’t without criticism completely. That’s because sometimes our critics are right! Especially when they’re constructive. Are you hearing similar criticism from multiple sources or regularly from someone you trust? It may be time to make a change. 
4. Always guard your heart. Guarding your heart is not just protecting yourself from critical people—it’s also guarding your heart from becoming critical of others. People who guard their hearts don’t need to find weakness in others to feel somehow superior, because they find their confidence in Christ. 

Consider: What actions will I take to change the ratio for the better in my relationships? 

from Relational Vampires

‘From then on Jesus began to tell his disciples plainly that it was necessary for him to go to Jerusalem, and that he would suffer many terrible things at the hands of the elders, the leading priests, and the teachers of religious law. He would be killed, but on the third day he would be raised from the dead. But Peter took him aside and began to reprimand him for saying such things. “Heaven forbid, Lord,” he said. “This will never happen to you!” Jesus turned to Peter and said, “Get away from me, Satan! You are a dangerous trap to me. You are seeing things merely from a human point of view, not from God’s.” Then Jesus said to his disciples, “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must give up your own way, take up your cross, and follow me. ‘ Matthew 16:21-24(NLT)

‘So Christ has truly set us free. Now make sure that you stay free, and don’t get tied up again in slavery to the law.’ Galatians 5:1(NLT)

‘So if the Son sets you free, you are truly free. ‘ John 8:36(NLT)

‘So you have not received a spirit that makes you fearful slaves. Instead, you received God’s Spirit when he adopted you as his own children. Now we call him, “Abba, Father.” ‘ Romans 8:15(NLT)

‘For the Lord is the Spirit, and wherever the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. ‘ 2 Corinthians 3:17(NLT)

‘For you have been called to live in freedom, my brothers and sisters. But don’t use your freedom to satisfy your sinful nature. Instead, use your freedom to serve one another in love. ‘ Galatians 5:13(NLT)

Controlling people, critical people, needy people, hypocritical people—why do we feel like they’re real-life vampires? Maybe because they kind of are! 

Think about it. If relationships with these people can suck the life out of you, then … okay, you get it. 

But, wait. In science, when one organism harmfully takes from another without returning benefit, it’s called a parasitic relationship. Yes, it’s unfair and uneven, but it’s still called a relationship. See where this is going? A relationship takes two. One is taking and the other is somehow giving. 

It’s no different in a controlling relationship. One person is taking something while the other person is allowing something. 

This may sound simple, but it can be so confusing and painful when you’re in the middle of it. Someone makes all the decisions or takes all the opportunity. No matter how much you give, it’s not enough. Maybe it’s sex, power, money, or guilt they use to get their way. Maybe they do everything for everyone around them because they want things to be done “right,” not realizing how this belittles others’ contributions. Perhaps they’re the spouse or boss who speaks mostly in passive-aggressive, or just straight-up aggressive threats. Or maybe like most of us, you can sometimes be a control freak.

Okay, stop right here. Take a minute to breathe and pray. 

Jesus, will You lovingly show me the relationships where I’m unhealthily taking something or allowing something? Will You give me the strength and courage to take steps toward healing and freedom? Will You replace my need to control or please others, with Your love, confidence, and freedom? Amen.

Are you a controller? Ask some people you trust for help. Remember how God does some of His most amazing work through relationships? Tell your spouse, friends, and think seriously about talking with a counselor. You probably have some pain God wants to heal. It’s possible you spent some hurtful time being controlled yourself. 

Are you an “allower”? Tell some people who are consistently life-giving and trustworthy. If you’re in a safe situation with the person who is controlling, talk to them about it and create some boundaries with them. If it makes sense, involve someone else in the conversation. If you’re experiencing physical or emotional abuse, tell a safe person like a counselor, pastor, or an authority right away. 

Memorize this for when you need it: It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. 

from Relational Vampires

‘This is my commandment: Love each other in the same way I have loved you. There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. You are my friends if you do what I command. I no longer call you slaves, because a master doesn’t confide in his slaves. Now you are my friends, since I have told you everything the Father told me. ‘ John 15:12-15(NLT)

‘This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun! And all of this is a gift from God, who brought us back to himself through Christ. And God has given us this task of reconciling people to him. ‘ 2 Corinthians 5:17-18(NLT)

‘Children, obey your parents because you belong to the Lord, for this is the right thing to do. “Honor your father and mother.” This is the first commandment with a promise: If you honor your father and mother, “things will go well for you, and you will have a long life on the earth.”’ Ephesians 6:1-3(NLT)

‘Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love. Make every effort to keep yourselves united in the Spirit, binding yourselves together with peace. ‘ Ephesians 4:2-3(NLT)

‘Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him.” ‘ Genesis 2:18(NLT)

‘Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. ‘ Ecclesiastes 4:9-10(NLT)

You know how squinting can help you see the most prominent lines and patterns in an object? Or for some of us, it’s the only way we read these tiny letters! 

Squint your eyes and try your best look at all of history for a second. One pattern becomes rather apparent: God works through people. Look a little longer and you’ll begin to see a collection of prominent lines that connect all people, a word: relationships. 

Think about it. How did God offer salvation to every living being? By sending us His closest relationship (His Son) as a person. How do we accept Him? By entering into a trusting relationship with Him.

Take another squinting look at the brokenness in your life, in culture, in your community, in your family. What’s broken at the core? What suffers most? Probably relationships. 

Relationships are often the recipients and the ingredients of God’s wonder-working power. 

For the next several days, let’s start looking for healing in our relationships, because when what sucks the life out of you becomes what breathes new life into you, then you’re tapping into God’s wonder-working power!

You can stop squinting. Relax those eyebrows. Take a restful breath, and prepare yourself to receive God’s good truth for your life. 

Pray: God, I’m inviting You to heal the broken relationships in my life. Show me where I’ve allowed others to mistreat me, and show me where I’ve mistreated others. Amen. 

from Relational Vampires