Category: Saving Marriage

‘We are traveling together to guard against any criticism for the way we are handling this generous gift. ‘ 2 Corinthians 8:20(NLT)

‘“And why worry about a speck in your friend’s eye when you have a log in your own? ‘ Matthew 7:3(NLT)

Instead of attacking someone’s self-worth with shame, we can attack their character with criticism as we disappointedly judge their merits and faults. Criticism creates a strong disconnection since most people do not like the feeling of being wrong. The telltale signs of criticism come packaged as “They should’ve,” “They always,” and “They never.” They should’ve rinsed the plates before loading them in the dishwasher. They always load the dishes wrong. They never get the dishes as clean as they could be. 

If our ego gets threatened by someone who does something differently than we do, then criticism is there to level the playing field. Criticism could also come from a need to be the one to express an expert opinion, feelings of insecurity, a counterattack to being criticized, or simply from a lack of skill to deliver well-meant feedback. Whatever the case, it has more to do with the person giving the criticism and not the receiver. 

Criticism is simply a judgment call. The problem is that it is almost always founded on a lack of understanding, false assumptions, and poor results-versus-intent logic. So remember Theodore Roosevelt’s line: “It’s not the critic who counts.” The person who actually does something deserves the credit. 

We can overcome criticism by expressing straightforward comments about concerns in a positive fashion. And it’s a good idea to start the conversation with a positive “I” statement about what is working well. For example, “I appreciate how you keep our dishes from piling up in the sink by frequently loading the dishwasher for us.” Focus on the positives and then express a need without blame. Finally, if you can find humor in the situation without making fun of the other person, then that could prevent an ego duel. For example, “It’s official—we are the classic old married couple battling over clean dishes.” 

God makes it clear that we, mankind, are all sinners on a level playing field and that we are not to judge one another. And if we do choose to judge others, then the same measure we used will also be used to judge us. The good news is the Bible also tells us that when we turn to Jesus, we no longer need to fear judgment because Christ endured it for us. So the next time you catch yourself tempted to judge someone with criticism, try to share some of the grace and mercy you have been given. 

Pray:

God, help us focus on our positive outcomes, accomplishments, and grace so that we do not unfairly judge one another’s actions, intentions, or thoughts.

from Connection Killers

‘The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness can never extinguish it.’ John 1:5(NLT)

The difference between shame and blame is “You did” becomes “You are” as the disconnection becomes internalized. You dropped the ball (blame) because you are clumsy (shame). Shame is a dangerous disconnection agent that can create addictions, depression, anxiety, or worse as we try to cope with the feelings of something being wrong with us. Shame can also manifest as overachieving, dominance, and pride as we attempt to prove to the world that everything is right with us. So beware of shaming others with negative “You are” statements or implications. 

Several things, usually from our childhood, can create this shame monster that triggers our actions throughout life. Criticism, stereotypes, prejudice, judgment, abuse, and comparison can all lead to a negative self-image. Comparison is the emerging shame leader thanks to social media. We often enviously compare our real-life bloopers to others’ filtered highlights that we see on our Instagram feeds. What used to be just some unrealistic magazine and Hollywood images are now constant bombardments of social media posts telling us that we don’t measure up. 

Shame can be overcome with empathy, understanding, and acceptance, especially in the face of vulnerability. If someone is brave enough to open up to you, you can connect with empathy or disconnect with shame. And we can open up to ourselves. Think about what your shame triggers are and challenge your inner critic. You can defeat your own shame with positive self-talk. 

Remember, God has plans for you and created you for a purpose. There are no cosmic mistakes and definitely no wasted souls. The enemy wants to put you on the sidelines with feelings of self-doubt and not measuring up. But you have a spiritual gift and can make a real difference in a relationship, a community, or the world. Practice forgiveness, self-compassion, acceptance, love, kindness, and openness to shamelessly fulfill your potential.

Pray: 

God, help us have the courage to bring our shame issues into light with the right people to listen so that we can defeat shame as we build one another up by nurturing self-worth. 

from Connection Killers

‘The man replied, “It was the woman you gave me who gave me the fruit, and I ate it.”’ Genesis 3:12(NLT)

‘Then the Lord God asked the woman, “What have you done?” “The serpent deceived me,” she replied. “That’s why I ate it.”’ Genesis 3:13(NLT)

Hello, my name is Doug, and I’m a blame-o-holic. But it is not my fault. My childhood is to blame. 🙂 I have a bad habit of walking into a situation with a problem and immediately assigning blame. If our children are playing and I hear something break, I want to storm in and assign the blame. If—no, when—we get lost on a road trip, I want to blame my wife and Siri for not telling me where to turn. And when I fall short on some metric at work, I like to blame our company for not providing me with enough resources. 

The problem with blame is that it does nothing to rectify the situation and only hurts the relationships involved. This disconnection agent has ruined a lot of what could have been fun times and great memories. Life happens, and when the mishaps come, I’ve got to get better at taking responsibility instead of losing the blame game. 

It’s easy and natural to assign blame instead of taking personal responsibility and accepting the personal consequences. Blame offers to defend and preserve our self-esteem since we are “obviously perfect” and any flawed actions or thoughts on our part are the results of an inferior and misguided influence. And when we misjudge the outcome versus the intent, like in the previous sentence, blame offers the solution. But sometimes blame is just a destructive conflict-resolution tool designed to inflict hurt.

Blame usually comes packaged with the classic finger point and “You did” statement. But remember, every time you literally point your finger at someone, there are three fingers on that same hand pointing back at you! So the next time you offer an excuse, which is blame, try to come up with three things you could have done that would have made a positive impact instead. 

Blame is defeated by taking responsibility with an “I” statement: “I could have done [fill in the blank] instead.” “I understand” and “I am sorry” statements also go a long way toward connecting versus disconnecting with blame. A helping hand is always better than a pointed finger in any direction. 

The blame game started with the first two people on Earth in the garden of Eden, when Adam and Eve ate the forbidden fruit. Adam blamed Eve, and Eve blamed the serpent. The serpent set it all up and continues, to this day, to try to break our relationships with blame. 

Pray:

God, help us take responsibility for our thoughts and actions so that we do not fall victim to blame. 

from Connection Killers

‘And we are confident that he hears us whenever we ask for anything that pleases him. ‘ 1 John 5:14(NLT)

‘“Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. ‘ Matthew 7:7(NLT)

Where apathy is a passive shutdown of feelings that we need to uncover the cause of, stonewalling is a feeling to actively shut down and block all communication. This disconnection creates an impenetrable barrier that tells people, “I’m sorry, but the subscriber you are trying to reach is unavailable and has not set up their mailbox.” 

Stonewalling can be as obvious as a hand up with palm out, indicating “I’m done,” or as subtle as turning or walking away. Some people will suddenly become preoccupied or frigid, while others may just become busy doing something else. Whatever the evasive maneuver is, if you feel like you can’t get any open communication, then there is a good chance you’re getting stonewalled. 

Why do we shut down and disconnect from others? Here are just a few reasons: 

1. When we become overwhelmed physically or mentally, it’s easy to want to shut things off to prevent any more of a load to carry. 

2. Our emotions can become so intense that they override our ability to think and communicate. 

3. We are simply uncomfortable or unskilled with the topic and choose not to engage. 

4. We fear that opening the lines of communication will lead to a road we are not prepared or willing to travel. 

5. An underlying issue causes us to want to dismiss or minimize others. 

If any of the above five reasons hit home or you experience them when dealing with a particular person, then here are some tips to help get through that wall. The first tip: you can’t break through the wall! The wall is an active attempt to block communication, so it takes an active commitment from the same person blocking to also take it down. You can’t take it down for them. The best course of action is to agree to take a break for at least thirty minutes and try for a commitment for a time to revisit. 

If you are the stonewaller, then during the break, take a walk, do some yoga, or meditate to clear your mind from the feelings that caused you to shut down. Take some deep breaths and reframe the situation. For example, if you feel someone is attacking your character by pointing out your weaknesses, try to see that the other person is an ally who cares enough about your relationship to voice their concern and then look for a solution that leads to growth and a positive outcome. Finally, incorporate an “I’m getting overwhelmed” word or signal to try to prevent any reoccurrences. 

One person who will never stonewall you is God. He always has the communication lines open and welcomes your prayers. You don’t need a formal request or to wait in a queue. Anytime you want to talk, he is there to listen and welcomes it. When we open our hearts and let others in, we strengthen our connections and defeat stonewalling. 

Pray:

God, help me put down the walls in my relationships so that our hearts can come through and guide our actions to connect to one another.

from Connection Killers

‘For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord . “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. ‘ Jeremiah 29:11(NLT)

‘Jesus told him, “Stand up, pick up your mat, and walk!”’ John 5:8(NLT)

The research is clear. You must have feelings about something before you can take any meaningful action on it. Apathy literally means “without feeling.” So when we stop feeling emotions about our coworkers, friends, family, or job, it’s just a matter of time before they are disconnected from us. Either way, you’re going to feel. You will either feel for the people in your life or feel the pain of separation and loneliness after pushing them away.

I started this plan with apathy because (1) it’s probably the strongest predictor of a relationship ending in one form or another and (2) if I can’t get you to feel the importance of disconnections, then you are likely to apathetically stop reading the rest of this plan. 

If you think or say the phrases “I don’t even care” or “It doesn’t matter,” then you are most likely opening the door to apathy. A heavy relational blow, a lack of appreciation, redundant and boring routines (hopefully not this plan), and fear of failure can all cause us to not care. If you have experienced any of these recently, then you know how easy it can be to think, “Why should I even care?” But we need to care to stay connected. 

People can tell when you’ve lost interest in them, an activity, or even yourself. But sometimes it’s not as clear for ourselves to realize our priorities have changed. We think we still care about someone or something until it’s too late and that someone or something is gone from a lack of attention. Just like a lack of self-care will have us look in the mirror one morning thinking, “What in the world has happened to me?” A lack of caring for others or our work will eventually come with a similarly shocking wake-up call.

You overcome apathy by first realizing it’s an “inside job.” You have to be the one who owns the decision to keep caring. You can’t rely on external circumstances to make you want to care, and this is actually a good thing because there is nothing you can do to make God stop caring for you! God doesn’t rely on what you are doing or have done to decide if you deserve his care and attention. No matter where you are in your journey, God always has big plans for you.

So add something new to your routines, challenge apathy, unpack and analyze the root causes of any decreased caring, prioritize the important people around you, set goals and then tackle an easy one, and make the decision to show everyone how much you care. You’ll deepen your connections and keep your relationships thriving.

Pray:

God, help us recognize and respond when the Holy Spirit prompts us to care so that we can avoid and overcome apathy in all areas of our lives.

from Connection Killers