Category: Infidelity:

‘Can a man scoop a flame into his lap and not have his clothes catch on fire?’ Proverbs 6:27(NLT)

“An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.”

“Fools rush in where angels fear to tread.”

Nowhere, perhaps, are these popular proverbs more applicable than in the realm of selecting a marriage partner. If you want a vital, healthy marriage, choose only individuals of integrity and godly character as potential mates. If, on the other hand, you’re relatively unconcerned about issues like infidelity, feel free to lower the bar. But remember that here, as in so many other areas of life, you tend to get what you bargain for.

To be more specific: if, as a young woman who is anxious to tie the knot, you’re tempted to minimize or disregard your potential mate’s struggles with pornography, think again. A situation like this is marital misery in the making. Unless your boyfriend is ready to get serious about dealing with his problem, it’s time to put on the brakes. Both of you need to understand that pornography is as physically addictive as any drug. The addiction is based on neurochemical changes that occur in the brain as a result of prolonged exposure to stimulating sexual imagery. Because of its neuro-chemical basis, it’s tenacious, progressive and destructive in nature.

If you decide to marry this man “as is,” don’t expect his addiction to go away on its own once you’ve said your wedding vows. In particular, don’t assume that normal marital sexual relations will take the place of porn in his life. No living, breathing, thinking woman can possibly fill that role without doing untold damage to herself as a person. That’s because pornography addiction, in the final analysis, is not about sex. It’s a symptom of an intimacy disorder — a comprehensive psychological illness that compels an individual to avoid deep, meaningful interaction with another flesh-and-blood human being and to replace it with impersonal sensual imagery. Unless this disorder is addressed and rectified, your relationship cannot move forward on a healthy footing. Marriage will not fix the problem. It will only complicate matters and increase your pain.

At this point in your relationship — before you’ve made a formal commitment to each other by buying rings and reserving the church — you’re in a much better position to take an in-depth, candid look at this issue. If your boyfriend really cares about you and sincerely wants to spend his life with you, he has a powerful motivation to make the necessary changes at this stage of the game. Once you’ve tied the knot, that motivation will no longer exist in quite the same way.

The best thing you can do is to get professional counseling before there is any further talk of marriage. You and your boyfriend should do this together. Look for a Christian counselor who is specially trained in the field of sexual addiction — someone with whom you can pray about the problem and talk about God’s design for a healthy marriage. An intensive counseling model, consisting of a limited and concentrated series of sessions focusing specifically on the addiction problem, is the best way to address this issue. Your boyfriend should also find some way to introduce a measure of accountability into his interactions with the Web — for example, by taking advantage of an Internet control software program.

For more help, visit pureintimacy.org or Focus on the Family’s Help Center (http://family.custhelp.com/app/home).You can also call the ministry’s Counseling Department for a free consultation at 855-771-HELP (4357).

from Infidelity: Protecting Your Marriage, Pornography

‘“For I hate divorce!” says the Lord , the God of Israel. “To divorce your wife is to overwhelm her with cruelty, ” says the Lord of Heaven’s Armies. “So guard your heart; do not be unfaithful to your wife.”’ Malachi 2:16(NLT)

Have you made the painful discovery that your spouse is involved with pornography? If so, there’s no reason to jump to the conclusion that divorce is the only way out. Some Christian men and women have felt compelled to make this connection on the basis of Matthew 5:27 and 28, where Jesus tells us that to look with lust is to commit adultery in one’s heart, and Matthew 5:32, where He suggests that infidelity can be viewed as legitimate grounds for divorce. But the logic behind this argument isn’t necessarily watertight.

It’s crucial to remember that Jesus, in this passage of the Sermon on the Mount, is speaking primarily in spiritual terms. He’s talking about our accountability in the eyes of God. He’s attempting to show pharisaical legalists that the literal keeping of the law will not necessarily justify them, since, from heaven’s perspective, it’s the condition of the heart that matters.

It’s perfectly appropriate to examine ourselves in light of this heavenly perspective. But we can run into problems if we start judging other people according to this standard or try to make it the basis of a social or legal code. Consider Christ’s statements about murder in Matthew 5:21 and 22. It’s true that murder begins in the heart and that all of us who think hurtful thoughts about our neighbors are guilty in the eyes of God. But does this mean that we ought to arrest people, put them on Death Row, and even execute them for getting angry? Clearly not. The same observation applies to the idea of using heart-lust and porn addiction as “legitimate grounds for divorce.”

But enough of this theological talk. If your spouse is really addicted to pornography, you need to find some serious help right away. The first step is to realize that porn is powerful primarily because it offers a counterfeit form of intimacy and attachment. In some cases, it can also be part of a larger syndrome of relational dysfunction or a symptom of deeper-lying marital issues. It’s important to bear these things in mind when seeking to help a loved one who has fallen prey to sexual addiction of any kind.

As previously mentioned, if the porn addiction is an element of a larger, more all-encompassing pattern of behavior, it’s crucial to ask yourself if that pattern includes abuse. If so, and if the abuse so severe that you feel as if your personal safety (and that of your children, if you have any) is being compromised, it would probably be advisable to separate from your spouse as soon as possible. But this doesn’t necessarily mean that you need to start thinking in terms of divorce.

Bottom line: divorce should never be a couple’s first option in the face of marital difficulties. It should always be regarded as the last resort. Porn addiction is a serious problem, but it isn’t necessarily the end of the line. This is especially true in the case of husbands and wives who are willing to do the hard work required to save their relationship. If you’re dealing with porn addiction in any form, look to the Lord for answers and hold on to hope. It would also be a good idea for you and your spouse to enlist the support of a trusted friend or mentor and to seek professional counseling together. Effective help is available to anyone who is willing to do the legwork of investigating the options.

from Infidelity: Protecting Your Marriage, Pornography

‘For the kind of sorrow God wants us to experience leads us away from sin and results in salvation. There’s no regret for that kind of sorrow. But worldly sorrow, which lacks repentance, results in spiritual death.’ 2 Corinthians 7:10(NLT)

In his first letter to the Corinthians, Paul recommended the expulsion or excommunication of a man who had become involved in sexual immorality (1 Corinthians 5:13). A passage in his second letter to the same church seems to indicate that this drastic measure eventually produced the desired result: apparently the individual in question repented and was welcomed back into the fellowship of believers (2 Corinthians 2:6-8). This, according to the apostle, is the goal of all such disciplinary action within the economy of God’s kingdom. Its purpose is not to condemn or alienate, but rather to produce wholeness and joy through the miracle of reconciliation.

While not always the appropriate prescription, a temporary marital separation may have the same effect in the case of a spouse who appears to be making little headway in his or her struggle against porn addiction. This is a step that needs to be sorted out prayerfully with the assistance of a trained Christian counselor. In some situations, however, creating a crisis is the only way to open the eyes of the morally and spiritually blind. Under the right circumstances, taking this kind of serious action can provide the necessary motivation for badly needed behavioral change. If you are facing a situation of this kind in your marriage, you may want to consider the option of leaving your spouse for a brief, pre-determined period of time. But you should give some careful thought to several other considerations before making up your mind to move in this direction.

It’s important to ask yourself, for instance, whether your spouse’s porn addiction is an isolated problem or an element of a larger, more all-encompassing pattern of behavior. If it is part of a bigger syndrome, you should also ascertain if it includes abuse. If the abuse is so severe that you feel as if your personal safety (and that of your children, if you have any) is being compromised, you would be wise to remove yourself from the situation as soon as possible. But this doesn’t necessarily mean that you should stay separated permanently or indefinitely. Again, these are issues that are best addressed under the guidance of a caring and competent Christian counselor.

If you and your spouse have already made an unsuccessful attempt to solve the problem through counseling, don’t give up hope. With God’s help your spouse can conquer his addiction to pornography. Effective therapy is available to anyone who is willing to do the legwork of investigating the options. Your best plan, then, may be to make yet another attempt to seek out counseling. The two of you should do this together. The most successful course of treatment takes a family systems approach that involves an initial program of intensive therapy, followed by regular and ongoing counseling sessions. It’s also important to identify a trusted friend or group of individuals who can provide you with the support and accountability you need.

In the meantime, remember that you and your spouse are not alone. Sexual addictions of all kinds are strikingly pervasive in contemporary society. That’s not to mention that God is on your team and will be with you through this difficult passage in your marriage. The Holy Spirit will grant you the strength and patience you need as you look to Him in faith.

from Infidelity: Protecting Your Marriage, Pornography

‘Didn’t the Lord make you one with your wife? In body and spirit you are his. And what does he want? Godly children from your union. So guard your heart; remain loyal to the wife of your youth. ‘ Malachi 2:15(NLT)

If you and your spouse are working your way through the aftermath of an addiction to pornography, you may have already made a painful discovery: many porn addicts are sexually anorexic when it comes to normal marital relations. That’s because, through habit and practice, their sexual impulses have been alienated from their natural context — i.e., a healthy, committed personal relationship — and re-oriented around impersonal objects or illicit lusts or fetishes. The good news is that, with time, patience, and appropriate treatment, these pathological patterns can be reversed and rehabilitated.

Bottom line: a sexless marriage is an unacceptable state of affairs. If this is your situation, and if you really want to save your relationship, you’re going to have to change your circumstances. It’s unlikely that you’ll be able to do this alone. If your spouse really wants to leave the past behind, he’s going to have to join forces with you in an effort to secure some outside help.

If the two of you are Christians, you need to sit down with your pastor and discuss the spiritual aspects of the marital troubles you’re experiencing. The Bible has some very definite things to say about marriage as the one and only appropriate context for sexual activity. Even more to the point in this particular case, it states clearly that husbands and wives are not to “deprive one another” sexually, “except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control” (1 Corinthians 7:5). There is a very simple and very important principle underlying this specific instruction; namely, “The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise, the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does” (1 Corinthians 7:4).

In addition to spiritual counseling, it is crucial that you seek out the help of a licensed marriage therapist, a trained psychologist who can hold you and your spouse accountable and guide you through the difficult process of breaking old patterns and healing past addictions. You should also find some way to introduce a measure of accountability into your spouse’s interactions with the Web — for example, by taking advantage of an Internet control software program. Software programs are not the ultimate answer to problems of this nature, but they can play an important role in helping you keep tabs on the entire family’s online activities.

from Infidelity: Protecting Your Marriage, Pornography

‘Why be captivated, my son, by an immoral woman, or fondle the breasts of a promiscuous woman?’ Proverbs 5:20(NLT)

Among the many confusing new developments introduced into the realm of marriage and human relationships by way of the Internet is something known as “cybersex.” Couples whose lives have been touched by this phenomenon find that it raises several thorny questions. Does a “virtual” affair differ in any significant way from a real-life affair? Or is it on the contrary simply an online version of old-fashioned sexual fantasy? If it can be regarded as bona fide adulterous sexual behavior, does this mean that “cybersex” gives the violated partner biblical grounds for a divorce a la Matthew 5:27-30? These are serious questions for many people, and they deserve serious answers.

Unfortunately, there are no straightforward, cut-and-dried answers to any of these questions. You can see this clearly if you stop and think for a moment about the deeper implications of the problem. Because “virtual reality” is such a new and relatively untested technological phenomenon, it’s difficult to know exactly what it means to different people — how it’s perceived and experienced, physically, mentally, and emotionally, on the individual level. It’s possible that the “reality” of “virtual sex” is largely in the eye of the beholder. Some participants may approach it as a genuine interpersonal encounter with meaningful relational overtones. Others may think of it primarily as a kind of “game” or a high-tech form of masturbation. It’s not easy to categorize these perceptions or sort out their various psychological ramifications.

That doesn’t change the fact that “cybersex,” unlike pornography or masturbation, usually involves another human being. And it’s precisely here that “virtual” sexual activity takes its devotees to a deeper and more troubling level. In some cases, “virtual” technology (for example, the “virtual reality suit”) enables online lovers to live out their passions in a vivid and all-consuming way, stopping just short of the physical act itself. This is not a passive experience. It requires participation and interaction, and to that extent it can’t help but take on a certain “relational” aspect (however superficial and fleeting). In a certain respect, it’s only natural that the word “adultery” should come to mind when one of the parties involved in such an illicit and sexually oriented “relationship” happens to be married.

That ‘s just one reason for suggesting that “cybersex” may be a more serious problem than mere lustful fantasy. There are clinical factors to be taken into account as well. Mental health professionals report that the road to recovery is likely to be much longer and far more complicated for an individual engaged in an ongoing interpersonal cyber-affair than it is for a porn addict. That’s because “relationship” at any level implies a degree of emotional entanglement. When the heart gets drawn into that web, the potential for pathology is inevitably raised. It’s true that many “virtual” sexual encounters are kept strictly anonymous, but when this is not the case — when participants, egged on by the intensity of their feelings, take the next step by exchanging personal information — there is a strong possibility that the affair will eventually take a very real and physical turn indeed. At that point the question of adultery will no longer be merely academic.

As indicated above, this leads to another question. In His Sermon on the Mount, Jesus equates lust in the heart with the act of adultery. In the same passage, He makes allowances for divorce where porneia or extra-marital sex has invaded a marriage relationship. It seems fair to assume that what is true of mental fantasy may be even more directly and urgently applicable in cases of “virtual” activity. It’s this line of reasoning that induces some people to suggest that “cybersex” might be considered legitimate grounds for divorce.

Having acknowledged the logic behind this argument, it’s important to pause and ask a crucial question: Is divorce really the point? Even in situations where a spouse has been caught in bed with a lover, divorce isn’t always the answer. Much depends on the degree to which he or she expresses genuine remorse and demonstrates a sincere willingness to change.

It’s also vital to determine whether a spouse’s involvement with “cybersex” might actually be part of a larger, more all-encompassing pattern of behavior. Again, we’d stress that, if it is part of a bigger syndrome, there are other questions that should be raised before jumping to the conclusion that it’s time to get a divorce. For example, has the marriage been characterized by abuse? Is the abuse so severe that anyone’s personal safety is being compromised? If so, marital separation is probably advisable. But this doesn’t necessarily imply eventual divorce.

If “cybersex” has become a problem in your marriage, you and your spouse should confront it together. Talk about it, pray about it, and seek out the assistance of a professional marriage counselor. Discuss the matter with a trusted friend, pastor, or spiritual advisor. If necessary, arrange for some kind of intervention. Hold the line, keep your dignity, and stay on your knees. And whatever you do, resist the temptation to get caught up in petty arguments about “grounds for divorce.” That will only cloud the real issue.

from Infidelity: Protecting Your Marriage, Pornography

‘Let there be no sexual immorality, impurity, or greed among you. Such sins have no place among God’s people. ‘ Ephesians 5:3(NLT)

Pornography is a serious problem. Surprisingly, it’s not just a problem in society at large, but in the church as well. It’s making its impact felt even among men and women who claim to love God and who represent themselves as dedicated disciples of Jesus Christ. What’s more, there can be no doubt that involvement with pornography poses a very real threat to marriages both inside and outside the Christian community. If you have reason to believe that your spouse may be caught in this web, don’t minimize the situation. Instead, take steps to expose the truth and deal with it.

As you do, remember that pornography is addictive. It’s one of a number of sexual addictions that have become strikingly pervasive in contemporary society. Because it is rooted in the basic human craving for relationship, sexual addiction is tenacious and progressive in nature. To put it another way, porn is powerful primarily because it offers a counterfeit form of intimacy and attachment — a replacement for the one-flesh bond between man and woman that God designed to function as the glue that holds the marriage relationship together (Genesis 2:24). It’s important to bear these things in mind when seeking to help a loved one who has fallen prey to the deception that de-personalized sex can ultimately satisfy the longings of the human heart.

You should also be aware that, contrary to the common stereotype, this is not an exclusively male problem. It affects men and women, boys and girls, from every age group and all walks of life. According to surveys conducted by internet-filter-review.com, 33 percent of all visitors to pornographic websites are women.

If you suspect that porn addiction may be a problem in your marriage, it might be a good idea to start by taking a closer look at yourself, your spouse, and the situation in your household. Should you become convinced in the process that your spouse is hiding something from you, sit down with him or her and confront the issue head-on. Instead of blaming and accusing, express sincere concern. Lay out the reasons for your suspicions. Encourage some honest soul-searching. Ask your spouse to tell you frankly whether he or she has a problem with pornography. Point out that, because of its addictive nature, involvement with pornography can quickly spiral out of control.

If your spouse is unwilling to listen, see if you can enlist the help of an objective third party — a pastor, a relative or a friend who agrees with your assessment of the situation and who would be willing to come alongside you in order to strengthen your case. If, on the other hand, your spouse admits to having a problem, don’t heap condemnation on his or her head. Instead, offer your support and assistance.

If you are indeed dealing with a case of porn addiction, we suggest that you and your spouse seek professional Christian counseling, and we highly recommend that you do this together. The most successful course of treatment takes a family systems approach that involves an initial program of intensive therapy, followed by regular and ongoing counseling sessions. It’s also important to identify a trusted friend or group of individuals who will provide an environment of support and accountability.

In the meantime, you and your spouse might consider installing some accountability software on your computer. Please be advised that while software programs are not the ultimate answer to serious and complex problems of this nature, they can nevertheless play an important role in helping you keep tabs on the entire family’s online activities.

For more help, visit pureintimacy.org or Focus on the Family’s Help Center (http://family.custhelp.com/app/home).You can also call the ministry’s Counseling Department for a free consultation at 855-771-HELP (4357).

from Infidelity: Protecting Your Marriage, Pornography