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Marriage Is a Reflection

‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ Genesis 2:24(NLT)

‘For your Creator will be your husband; the Lord of Heaven’s Armies is his name! He is your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel, the God of all the earth.’ Isaiah 54:5(NLT)

‘let no one split apart what God has joined together.”’ Mark 10:9(NLT)

‘For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything. For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word. He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church. And we are members of his body. As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.” This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. ‘ Ephesians 5:22-32(NLT)

‘In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God’s gift of new life. Treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered.
All Christians
Finally, all of you should be of one mind. Sympathize with each other. Love each other as brothers and sisters. Be tenderhearted, and keep a humble attitude. Don’t repay evil for evil. Don’t retaliate with insults when people insult you. Instead, pay them back with a blessing. That is what God has called you to do, and he will grant you his blessing. For the Scriptures say, “If you want to enjoy life and see many happy days, keep your tongue from speaking evil and your lips from telling lies. Turn away from evil and do good. Search for peace, and work to maintain it.’ 1 Peter 3:7-11(NLT)

‘Then I heard again what sounded like the shout of a vast crowd or the roar of mighty ocean waves or the crash of loud thunder: “Praise the Lord ! For the Lord our God, the Almighty, reigns. Let us be glad and rejoice, and let us give honor to him. For the time has come for the wedding feast of the Lamb, and his bride has prepared herself. She has been given the finest of pure white linen to wear.” For the fine linen represents the good deeds of God’s holy people. And the angel said to me, “Write this: Blessed are those who are invited to the wedding feast of the Lamb.” And he added, “These are true words that come from God.”’ Revelation 19:6-9(NLT)

Marriage is not only a covenant between the spouses and the Lord. From the very beginning, God designed marriage to represent something greater. The biblical conception of marriage includes knowing that the almighty, omniscient, and sovereign Creator had planned before time for this human relationship to speak of something greater than itself. In the New Testament, we are told that marriage is a reflection of the union of Christ with His Church. 

In other words, our marriage is a testimony of God’s love to this unbelieving world. It is a reflection of Christ’s love for the believers. The Apostle Paul calls this a great mystery because in the Bible the Church is referred to as the Bride of Christ. We are waiting for our marriage supper with Jesus in heaven. In other words, the Bible uses the language of marriage to refer to our relationship with our Lord. That is why Christians are encouraged to reflect the love of Christ in their marital relationship.

This means that to unbelievers our marital covenant is a testimony of the Gospel. That is why the Bible says that husbands must love their wives and take care of them as they would of their own bodies. This testifies to the love of Christ who gave His own life for our salvation. Wives should respect and honor their husbands in a way that testifies to the love of the Church for the Lord. 

This is a beautiful biblical mystery that God planned for a fallen human relationship to represent His love for His creation. Of course, we cannot do that in our own flesh. That is why we need to pray daily for the Lord to give us strength to love our spouse. We should also surround ourselves with other godly couples who can counsel us through the storms of life. We need to read God’s Word daily. It is our marital contract. God’s Word will give us instructions on how to love each other in sickness and in health, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, till death do us part. When we stand on the Word of God as Christians, we can be a reflection of the love of Christ to the world. We can also show our society, our family, and our children what a happy, godly marriage looks like. 

from I No Longer Love My Spouse

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Marriage Is a Commitment

‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ Genesis 2:24(NLT)

‘Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm. For love is as strong as death, its jealousy as enduring as the grave. Love flashes like fire, the brightest kind of flame. Many waters cannot quench love, nor can rivers drown it. If a man tried to buy love with all his wealth, his offer would be utterly scorned.’ Song of Songs 8:6-7(NLT)

‘Just say a simple, ‘Yes, I will,’ or ‘No, I won’t.’ Anything beyond this is from the evil one.’ Matthew 5:37(NLT)

‘Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.’ 1 Corinthians 13:4-7(NLT)

‘Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love. Make every effort to keep yourselves united in the Spirit, binding yourselves together with peace. ‘ Ephesians 4:2-3(NLT)

It is very important for us to keep our marriage vows. Marriage is a relationship that affects the entirety of our lives. First of all, it affects us as individuals. But it also affects others. Our marriage affects our extended families. It also affects our children. They say the greatest gift parents can give their children is to love one another. There is, however, even more to marriage. It builds character.

Marriage is a commitment that reflects our integrity as individuals. It is the greatest commitment that we make in life. If we are able to keep our marital commitment, it shows everyone that we are able to keep other promises and commitments that we make. However, if we sever the commitment of marriage, how can we keep the commitments in other areas of our life? If we are not able to love the closest person to us in this life, our spouse, how are we able to love other people? Staying committed to marriage shows to ourselves and others that we are a committed person, able to keep our promises.

Moreover, marriage develops our character. Becoming one with another individual is a difficult task. If it were not so, the Bible would not warn about divorce so sternly. God knew that marriage is not easy. However, it is worth it. In marriage, we need to lay down our pride. We need to learn how to work with another person. We learn to compromise in marriage. We also learn patience. In other words, marriage prepares us for other areas of life. If we are patient with our spouse, we can be patient with a difficult person in church. If we learn to stay married even when things are hard, we build a muscle of endurance that can help us to stay in difficult work environments.

Finally, marriage is a primary relationship where we can learn to view others as more important than ourselves. The secret of staying happy in marriage is a commitment to the other person’s happiness. When viewed this way, marriage can be a gift that keeps on giving. It is a commitment that teaches us how to stay committed. It is a love that teaches us how to love. It is a relationship that fortifies us for life with all its ups and downs. Marriage done God’s way is a commitment to a life-long happiness. 

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Marriage Is a Covenant

‘I have placed my rainbow in the clouds. It is the sign of my covenant with you and with all the earth. ‘ Genesis 9:13(NLT)

‘Now if you will obey me and keep my covenant, you will be my own special treasure from among all the peoples on earth; for all the earth belongs to me. ‘ Exodus 19:5(NLT)

‘You cry out, “Why doesn’t the Lord accept my worship?” I’ll tell you why! Because the Lord witnessed the vows you and your wife made when you were young. But you have been unfaithful to her, though she remained your faithful partner, the wife of your marriage vows.’ Malachi 2:14(NLT)

‘Some Pharisees came and tried to trap him with this question: “Should a man be allowed to divorce his wife?” Jesus answered them with a question: “What did Moses say in the law about divorce?” “Well, he permitted it,” they replied. “He said a man can give his wife a written notice of divorce and send her away.” But Jesus responded, “He wrote this commandment only as a concession to your hard hearts. But ‘God made them male and female’ from the beginning of creation. ‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together.”’ Mark 10:2-9(NLT)

‘That is why he is the one who mediates a new covenant between God and people, so that all who are called can receive the eternal inheritance God has promised them. For Christ died to set them free from the penalty of the sins they had committed under that first covenant.’ Hebrews 9:15(NLT)

Another reason why marriages are in such turmoil in our society today is because we have lost a sense of covenant in our culture. Marriages are looked at as temporary agreements. If something changes in the terms of the agreement, an individual wants to get out of marriage. This is not how the Bible looks at marriage. In other words, we not only need to change our concept of love, we also need to change our concept of marriage. 

We need to decide to view marriage in biblical terms instead of our cultural terms. According to the Scriptures, marriage is a covenant. When people made covenants in the Old Testament, they would swear to keep them with their own lives. God’s faithful relationship with us is called a covenant. The Bible presents an Old Covenant between people and God that was based on law. Now, it also contains a New Covenant between people and God that is based on the death of Christ. The Lord views marriage as a covenant as well. Moreover, it is a covenant where He is a witness. It is a holy union where God pronounces the two individuals to be one.

God is called to witness a marriage covenant promise. That is why we have our weddings in church and call them holy matrimonies. This means that when we make the promise to stay married to our spouse, we make it before God. In other words, our promise is not just to our spouse. Our promise to remain faithful in marriage is a promise to God. We are responsible before God to keep our covenant. 

This covenant relationship is meant to last for a lifetime. It lasts for good, for better, and for easy; it must last for worse, for tough, and for ugly. We are obligated to our spouse. Obligation is not a bad word. We are obligated by the Word of God to stay faithful to our spouse for a lifetime. When we enter marriage with such understanding, it will help us to weather the storms that life and our spouse’s personality might bring our way. Marriage is a covenant among three persons: God, the husband, and the wife.

from I No Longer Love My Spouse 

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Marriage Is not a Feeling

‘Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him.” ‘ Genesis 2:18(NLT)

‘“A newly married man must not be drafted into the army or be given any other official responsibilities. He must be free to spend one year at home, bringing happiness to the wife he has married.’ Deuteronomy 24:5(NLT)

‘Let your wife be a fountain of blessing for you. Rejoice in the wife of your youth.’ Proverbs 5:18(NLT)

‘The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife. Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control. ‘ 1 Corinthians 7:3-5(NLT)

‘Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love.’ 1 Corinthians 13:13(NLT)

‘In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God’s gift of new life. Treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered.’ 1 Peter 3:7(NLT)

In our marriages, we all go through different seasons. Sometimes, our relationships feel great and fulfilling. We feel that we are really in love with each other. We are in a good place together. At other times, life happens. We feel stressed and frustrated. We may even be angry with our spouse. What do we do when we do not feel love towards the person we married? 

The problem is that we have a cultural concept of love: we think that love is a feeling. From the biblical point of view, love is not primarily a feeling. Our affections can be influenced by love; however, love is mainly devotion. It is a commitment. We can choose to love. In fact, the Bible commands us to love our enemies. Surely, when we are commanded to love our enemies, we can choose to love our spouse. Some days, you might not feel like loving your spouse. On those days, you need to remind yourself to choose to love your spouse. Since we are commanded to love, to choose not to love is a sin. We must obey God and obey the Scriptures whether we feel like it or not.

We also need to understand that we live in a culture where dating and courtship are how the two people “fall in love” before they get married; the individuals choose their spouse. Throughout human history, however, marriages were arranged. Of course, some parents would allow their children to have a say in the matter. Nevertheless, the Word of God also required love in an arranged marriage. Love is faithfulness. If believers were commanded to stay faithful to the person they were arranged to marry, surely we need to stay faithful to the person we chose to marry. 

Love is a choice to stay faithful day in and day out. It is a decision to do the right thing when we feel madly in love with our spouse. To love them back on the days that they bring us roses or cook us a really good meal that we like. We also need to love them on the days that they offend us. Love is a choice to do the right thing. We choose to love first; then, our feelings will follow. We need our choices to dictate our feelings, not the other way around.  

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Marriage Is not an Attraction

‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ Genesis 2:24(NLT)

‘I am my lover’s, and my lover is mine. He browses among the lilies.’ Song of Songs 6:3(NLT)

‘When the crowds heard him, they were astounded at his teaching.
The Most Important Commandment
But when the Pharisees heard that he had silenced the Sadducees with his reply, they met together to question him again. One of them, an expert in religious law, tried to trap him with this question: “Teacher, which is the most important commandment in the law of Moses?” Jesus replied, “‘You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ The entire law and all the demands of the prophets are based on these two commandments.”’ Matthew 22:33-40(NLT)

‘and the two are united into one.’ Since they are no longer two but one, ‘ Mark 10:8(NLT)

‘There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. ‘ John 15:13(NLT)

‘Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.’ 1 Corinthians 13:4-7(NLT)

Do you remember the day you first met your spouse? You had butterflies in your stomach. What about your first date? You thought, “I can talk to this person forever!” You might have stayed up till the wee hours of the night just thinking about your beloved. You thought, “This is the most attractive guy or gal I have ever met.” You thought you would always feel that way about each other.

Then, you got married. In the beginning, it was all romantic and fun. But you lived a long life together. You had children. Each of you aged a little and, maybe, gained some weight. The next thing you know is that the initial attraction is gone. There are no more butterflies. You feel like you have lost that first romance. Does that mean that you no longer love each other? Should the husband and wife still stay in a relationship if they feel that there is no attraction there anymore? Are they out of love? 

No, because love is not just an attraction. It is more than that. It goes deeper. Love is a companionship. It is a relationship, a friendship. Some days, you might still feel the butterflies in your stomach. Other days, you might not. But you need to remind yourself that your spouse is your best friend. You have built a life together. You have mutual values and mutual goals. That is the substance of your love. Of course, this does not mean that it has to be boring. If you feel like the flames of your love are dwindling, you need to remember what made you attracted to your spouse in the first place.

Remember the qualities in each other that you fell in love with at the beginning. Remember the things you loved to do together. Go on a date night. Do something that you enjoy together. Have fun together again. As you do those things, you will rekindle the initial romance. Sometimes, life gets in the way of our feelings or our feelings transition from the initial attraction to a deeper love. Married partners should not give up on each other in either case. Marriage is for a lifetime. 

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USING SOCIAL MEDIA TO STRENGTHEN YOUR MARRIAGE

‘You must warn each other every day, while it is still “today,” so that none of you will be deceived by sin and hardened against God. ‘ Hebrews 3:13(NLT)

“Every technology,” says Neil Postman, “is both a burden and a blessing; not either-or, but this-and-that.” This is certainly true where online social networking is concerned. There are some noteworthy dangers and pitfalls that married couples need to keep in mind, but that’s not the whole story. It would be just as true to say that cell phones, computers, iPads, and social media sites such as Facebook and Twitter, when used with wisdom and discernment, can be effective tools for strengthening marriages, building up other people, and creating a healthy sense of community among couples. Here are a few suggestions as to how this idea might play out in practical terms.

1. Connectivity. Social media serve marriages best when they are used to maintain a healthy connection between spouses during the workday or while one of the partners is traveling.

A husband or wife on a business trip can use his or her Facebook page to share new experiences with the entire family and to give them a sense of participating in the journey. It’s also a good way to hold yourself accountable by keeping family members posted on your activities and whereabouts. That’s not to mention the potential for shooting one another a quick love note or a word of encouragement from time to time. You can also use Facebook to praise your spouse publicly when he or she does something nice or achieves a goal that deserves attention (provided, of course, that you keep this within appropriate limits).

2. Accountability. This last benefit can have a significance that goes beyond the circle of the marriage itself. Friends can help husbands and wives stay faithful to their marriage vows. That includes Facebook friends.

3. Enhancing relationships. Some research has indicated that social media, when used appropriately, can actually add intensity and immediacy to face-to-face relationships.

When used as a supplement to (rather than as a replacement for) flesh-and-blood contact with another human being, online communication can add new layers of intimacy and understanding to our interactions with those we love — as, for example, when a Facebook message supplies the necessary background for an important conversation and eliminates the need for a lot of preliminary explanation. This feature has obvious advantages for married couples. Social media can also be a useful springboard to new relationships and friendships.

4. Walking in the light. Husbands and wives who connect with old friends via Facebook may sometimes have unprecedented opportunities to enter into the details of one another’s personal histories.

This can be tricky. It might even become a source of tension, suspicion, or jealousy if one of the partners’ old high school flames decides to put in a “friend” request. But such developments can also be healthy and beneficial if they have the effect of eliminating secrets and shining a light on the past. Everything depends on the couple in question and how they choose to handle such revelations.

5. Community. The healthiest marriages are those linked into a healthy support group. Couples need other couples, and social media can be an effective tool for networking, discovering common interests with friends, setting up fellowship groups, organizing events, and coordinating get-togethers.

For more help, visit Focus on the Family’s Help Center (http://family.custhelp.com/app/home), or call the ministry’s Counseling Department for a free consultation at 855-771-HELP (4357).

from Infidelity: Protecting Your Marriage, Social Media

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ACCOUNTS, PASSWORDS, AND BEST PRACTICES

‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ Genesis 2:24(NLT)

Again, it’s common practice for couples to maintain separate social media accounts (that’s how Facebook is set up to work), it’s a good idea for husbands and wives to share their passwords with one another, both as a gesture of mutual respect and as a way of ensuring accountability. Their respective Facebook profiles should make it clear that they are married to one another. Icons, photos, and other visual images should be designed to remind visitors that they are married. As far as possible, posted pictures should frequently show husband and wife together. Everything should be expressed to reflect the couple’s identity as a unit.

If desired, couples can prevent unwanted searches by making full use of their privacy settings. They can also set up the same access groups on both pages, ensuring that each spouse is sharing only with the same group of people. In cases where a greater degree of accountability is required or recommended, spouses may decide to set up a new shared “family” account instead. This type of joint account does have its limitations for the practical use of social media, but in situations where it is necessary to preserve the integrity of the marriage relationship, we would not advise against these safeguards.

It’s important to emphasize that this isn’t about lack of trust. Husbands and wives don’t need to“baby-sit” each other to make sure that no one gets out of line. At the most basic level, this is simply a question of remaining above reproach. It’s a way of staying accountable to one another and to the rest of the world. The apostle Paul urges Christians to steer clear not only of evil itself but even of the mere appearance of evil (1 Thessalonians 5:22). This is something believers need to take seriously, both in their marriages and in their interactions with others.

And that’s not all. The “open door policy” can actually foster a healthy sense of freedom in a marriage when it’s utilized in the right way. If it doesn’t — that is, if it turns into a kind of “monitoring,” a la “Big Brother” — that probably indicates that a couple already had trust issues before they got involved with social media. Where this is the case, they could probably benefit by engaging the help of a trained counselor. Remember, if your communication as a couple is suffering, Facebook isn’t likely to help. As a matter of fact, it will probably only make matters worse.

It’s important to add that sharing passwords or, if appropriate, maintaining a shared account can also be a way of building a hedge around your marriage. It’s a strategy for protecting your relationship against outside threats. Whether you’ve been married for thirty days or thirty years, you’re never really immune to the threat of an extra-marital affair.

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PROTECTING YOUR MARRIAGE AGAINST POTENTIAL PITFALLS OF SOCIAL MEDIA

‘Don’t you realize that you become the slave of whatever you choose to obey? You can be a slave to sin, which leads to death, or you can choose to obey God, which leads to righteous living. ‘ Romans 6:16(NLT)

Married couples need to be aware of the potential risks and pitfalls before jumping into online social networking with both feet. Every new technological development has both pluses and minuses, and, as author Neil Postman observes, it is not always clear in the beginning who the winners and losers will be.

Here’s a list of some of the most noteworthy drawbacks associated with social media:

1. Virtual Reality vs. Actual Reality. The danger of living a “parallel life” in a “parallel world.”
2. Anonymity. A seductive potential for secrecy.
3. Voyeurism, Exhibitionism, and Narcissism. This includes “stalking,” spying, unwarranted boasting, deception, misrepresentation of facts, and self-promotion.
4. Vulnerability to Predators and Opportunists. Inattentive Facebook users can open themselves up to the schemes of charlatans and dangerous sexual predators.
5. Potential Loss of Privacy. Once you’ve put something on Facebook, you have no way of controlling forwards and second-postings.
6. Best Foot Forward. The tendency to reveal only the best and most attractive aspects of one’s life to Facebook friends.
7. Too Much Too Soon. An illusion of genuine friendship where in fact there is nothing more than an artificial “virtual” link with another person.
8. Isolation. The temptation to withdraw into a “virtual” world of one’s own making.
In almost every case, the basic issue here is control. Technology is supposed to be a tool — something that makes it easier to accomplish your goals and achieve your purposes. If it becomes your master, you’ve got a serious problem.

You and your spouse can keep that from happening by drawing up a household “mission statement” to govern your use of social media. Ask yourself: “Why do I want to be involved with social media? What am I hoping to accomplish by way of Facebook, Twitter, or LinkedIn?” If Facebook has a tendency to take over your life, you can regain control by reclarifying your objectives. Remember that you can always enact Facebook’s limitation features to block unwanted searches and keep yourself “invisible” to the larger Facebook community.

There are also some practical measures you can implement to limit the amount of time you’re spending with social media. Here again the key is to use the devices to serve your purposes and strategies rather than allowing them to dominate you. You should also give yourself permission to leave behind your hand-held devices while you’re doing more important things. Some families have also found it helpful to have a “Sabbath Box” where phones and iPads can be laid aside voluntarily as a way of “disconnecting” for a while.

Remember, too, that Facebook and Twitter can be effective tools for strengthening marriages, building up other people, and creating a healthy sense of community among couples. You can protect yourself against the pitfalls described above by implementing the following list of “best practices:”

1. Shared passwords. Maintain an “open door policy” with your spouse.
2. Wise use of access features. In setting up their Facebook profile, married couples ought to think carefully about the amount of personal information they’d like to include and the details they want to provide.
3. Establish boundaries. Discuss your expectations. It helps to agree on boundaries and guidelines up front.
4. Encourage and build up. Spouses should think of ways to use social media to encourage and compliment one another.
5. Go slow. Don’t jump to unwarranted conclusions about “relationships” with “friends” who are really nothing more than cyber-acquaintances.
6. Post with discernment. Don’t post anything on Facebook that you wouldn’t care to see printed on the front page of the newspaper.
7. Stay grounded. In other words, do whatever it takes to remain in control.
8. Exemplify good practices. When children are part of the picture, mom and dad should be careful to model these “best practices.”

There are a number of Internet tools available that can help you stay on the straight and narrow. Covenant Eyes, for instance, is an accountability software that provides selected individuals with a report of your online activities. And Net Nanny is a filtering program that can be used to protect the entire family.

from Infidelity: Protecting Your Marriage, Social Media

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“FRIENDING” AN OLD FLAME

‘Catch all the foxes, those little foxes, before they ruin the vineyard of love, for the grapevines are blossoming!’ Song of Songs 2:15(NLT)

There’s a question that sometimes arises when married couples get involved with social media: is it okay to “friend” an “old flame” on Facebook?

Ironically, the problem is easier to resolve in the case of a troubled marriage. The more difficulty a couple is experiencing, the more obvious it should be that they cannot and must not tolerate outside temptations or intrusions. In situations of this nature, the answer is a definite no. Like “little foxes” to tender vines, “friend” requests from old boyfriends or girlfriends can do great damage to a fragile or hurting marriage.

Things get more complicated when the marriage is strong. In such instances, it’s important for spouses to discuss the issue before making up their minds. After all, a good marriage is worth protecting. As has been noted elsewhere, a recent survey of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers revealed that Facebook has been a major factor in one out of five U. S. divorces. This in itself suggests that the risks associated with “old flame” friend requests could easily outweigh any potential benefits. You need to be careful about exposing your relationship to threats of any kind, no matter how remote they may seem.

If you are thinking about initiating contact with an “old flame,” you should stop and reflect before moving ahead. Would it be helpful or harmful to your marriage to re-establish a connection with this person? Ask yourself exactly why you might want to take this step. Are you absolutely certain that you don’t feel compelled to revisit the past because of present discontentment? Have you been thinking about the way things “might have been” if this particular relationship had turned out differently? We’re not necessarily suggesting that this is the case. We’re just saying that it deserves some thought. In the final analysis, it’s a decision that you must make together with your spouse.

If it’s the other party — the old boyfriend or girlfriend — initiating the contact, it would probably be a good idea to ask yourself some questions about his or her motives. Naturally, you have no way of knowing exactly what this individual is thinking. You may, however, have some strong intuitions one way or the other about his or her reasons for getting in touch. Take some time to think this over and to discuss it with your spouse before moving ahead. If you suspect that the other party’s intentions are not entirely appropriate or honorable, ignore the request and move on.

If you choose to go ahead and “friend” your “old flame,” we’d urge you to do so via a Facebook account that intentionally reflects the healthy nature of your marriage. As alluded to previously, this page should be filled with images designed to remind visitors of your relationship with your spouse. As far as possible, photos should frequently show the two of you together. The whole point is to represent yourselves as a unit. This will prevent the other person interpreting the online “friendship” in the wrong way. If the “old flame” is married, it’s also important to consider what impact your actions may have on his or her spouse. While your marriage may be strong enough to accommodate a reestablishment of this friendship, it could very well introduce conflict and be a source of marital difficulty for the other couple.

On the positive side, it’s worth noting that husbands and wives who connect with old friends via Facebook may be rewarded with unprecedented opportunities to enter into the details of one another’s personal dating histories. This can be an enriching experience. But it can also get tricky if it turns into a source of tension, suspicion, or jealousy. Such developments may have a healthy and beneficial effect if they help you get rid of secrets and shed some light on the past. Everything depends on the couple in question and how they choose to handle such revelations. Our recommendation is that you maintain an “open door” policy. Then be prepared to do the necessary hard work if issues from the past arise that seem to require attention.

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DEALING WITH FLIRTY MESSAGES VIA SOCIAL MEDIA

‘Give honor to marriage, and remain faithful to one another in marriage. God will surely judge people who are immoral and those who commit adultery.’ Hebrews 13:4(NLT)

If you and your spouse are involved in social media, the possibility always exists that one or the other of you may receive flirtatious or inappropriate messages from someone on Facebook. It’s important that the two of you come up with a joint plan for dealing with communications of this nature.

If a message of this kind reaches one of you over the Internet, the first thing you should do is sit down and discuss it together. It’s important to be open and honest and lay everything out on the table. Don’t get angry. Don’t accuse or blame. Instead, use “I-based” language. If your spouse is the recipient, tell him or her exactly how you feel and what you experience when you see flirtatious messages coming over the Internet. Get his or her feedback about it. Have a heart-to-heart discussion about the best way of handling the situation.

Bear in mind that online flirting is really no different than any other type of flirting. Try to approach the situation just as you would if someone had approached your spouse inappropriately at a party or some other social event. Be humble and sensitive. Bring all your best communication skills into play and make the preservation of your marriage the number-one priority.

Once you’ve talked the matter through, move on to a discussion of boundaries. Ask your spouse what can be done to put a stop to the inappropriate messages. Be open with one another about your respective expectations for social media. Work together to draw up a list of Facebook “best practices.” If the two of you have been maintaining separate Facebook pages, we strongly suggest that you share your passwords with one another and maintain an “open door policy” where Facebook communications are concerned. Make sure that icons, photos, and any other visual images posted on the page remind visitors of your marital relationship. Use pictures that show husband and wife together. The whole point is to design a page that reflects the couple’s identity as a unit. This in itself will discourage flirtatious messages from individuals whose motives are less than honorable.

The recipient of such messages can draw a line in the sand by telling the person on the other end, “If you don’t cease and desist I will unfriend you.” If the flirting continues, go ahead and block that individual. Meanwhile, remember that you don’t necessarily have to deal with this problem via Facebook. In the Internet world it’s important to know when it’s time to “take things off-line.” If it seems appropriate, contact this person by phone and have a serious conversation about the matter. Be sure to let your words and actions be guided by objective standards of propriety rather than by emotions.

from Infidelity: Protecting Your Marriage, Social Media