Category: Infidelity:

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Infidelity: ZZ

CONFRONT HONESTLY

‘“If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back. ‘ Matthew 18:15(NLT)

Once you’re certain that your spouse really has been involved in an affair, and when you feel confident that you have the details of the story straight, you should proceed to the next stage: direct confrontation. It’s vital that you be firm in your convictions and clear where you stand before taking this step. That’s because you need to meet this challenge from a position of strength and self-assurance.

When you’re ready, arrange a time to sit down and talk with your spouse. Choose a private meeting-place where you know you won’t be interrupted. Approach the subject honestly and straightforwardly. The crisis in your marriage is emotionally charged, but stay calm and cool. In order to achieve this, most people need to write out what they are going to say. Always pray first and ask God to give you a grace-filled, but assertive message. Don’t whine, wheedle, beg, threat, or plead. Instead, inform your spouse in clear and carefully measured language that you’re aware of what’s been going on. Explain that you’re weighing your options and making some plans of your own (you don’t have to reveal what those plans are at this point). Say something like, “I’ve sought out Christian counsel about the best way to handle this situation, and I want you to know that I’m working my way towards a solution.”

You should also give your spouse an opportunity to voice his or her thoughts on the matter. Ask some pointed questions, such as, “Are you still standing at a crossroads? Do you want to pursue your relationship with this other person, or are you willing to give it up and start rebuilding our marriage with outside help?” Make it clear that a decision of some kind has to be made and that there can be no two ways about it. Say, “If you’ll commit yourself to work with me, I’ll do my best to work with you. But things can’t go on the way they’ve been.” It’s critical that you assign a deadline for this decision, otherwise you may be waiting weeks or months for an answer. Do not wait indefinitely as this will communicate a lack of conviction on your part about the seriousness of the breach of trust.

If you haven’t received an answer by the specified date, bear in mind that “no decision is a decision” and begin moving forward with your plans as God directs you.

As mentioned previously, one of the best things you can do is to set up an appointment with a Christian marriage counselor. It would be a good idea for you to meet with the counselor before bringing your spouse into the mix. That will give you a chance to get your facts straight, sort out your own emotions, and settle on a plan that will enable you to confront your spouse with wisdom and from a position of strength.

After that, you can invite your spouse to become part of the process. Say something like, “I’ve arranged to see a therapist, and I sincerely hope you’ll come with me.” If you encounter opposition, continue in counseling on your own. But let your spouse know that, if that’s the way it’s going to be, you will have to consider the possibility of taking “more serious measures.”

from Infidelity: How to Face the Crisis

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Infidelity: ZZ

GET THE BIG PICTURE

‘Prove by the way you live that you have repented of your sins and turned to God. Don’t just say to each other, ‘We’re safe, for we are descendants of Abraham.’ That means nothing, for I tell you, God can create children of Abraham from these very stones. ‘ Luke 3:8(NLT)

Basically, marital infidelity exists on a continuum. On one end, there’s the unique, isolated, one-time moral slip-up: a mistake that seems completely out of character on the part of the offender. The seriousness of such an offense should not be downplayed, since in most cases the external relationship (the actual affair) is really just a symptom of a much deeper problem — the final step in a hundred-step journey, if you will. In spite of this, there are some important ways in which the “one-time slip-up” demands an equally intense and intentional, but different response and treatment than a situation that has involved repeated affairs.

This latter scenario lies at the other end of the spectrum and is what might be called “the most recent episode:” yet another incident in a long-established pattern of waywardness. An affair of this variety has to be approached from a very different perspective simply because the offender has an established history of violating his or her marital vows.
How would you objectively assess or quantify your spouse’s extramarital activity? How you answer this question will go a long way toward determining your response.

If the affair was a one-time event, you have good grounds to hope that you and your spouse will be able to survive it and rebuild your marriage on an even firmer footing — provided you’re willing to work together in order to achieve the goal. Statistics indicate that reconciliation and recovery will be far easier to achieve if your spouse has no previous record of infidelity and if he or she is genuinely sorry about the incident.

On the other side of the coin, if there has been a pattern of unfaithfulness in your marriage, it will probably be more difficult for the guilty party to feel genuinely repentant and remorseful about his or her behavior. If confronted with it, he or she may even adopt a defiant or defensive attitude. This is what the Bible refers to as “hardness of heart.” It’s a serious spiritual malady, and the longer it persists, the harder it is to cure. This is a vitally important consideration, since the success of the healing process is directly dependent upon the offender’s willingness to admit his or her wrongdoing and to make a determined effort to change course.

Before proceeding, you should look for evidence of genuine “godly sorrow” (2 Corinthians 7:10) as opposed to the “worldly sorrow” which simply says, “I’m sorry I got caught.” A key indicator of a godly sorrow would include a willingness on the part of the wayward spouse to talk with a marriage counselor who can access his or her vulnerabilities, as well as the weaknesses of the relationship.

If there is a pattern here, you should ask yourself whether it’s symptomatic of some deeper underlying problem. For example, is it possible that your spouse is wrestling with a sex addiction? Do the two of you struggle with attachment issues? Is there a lack of emotional honesty or intimacy in your marriage? These are questions that you need to broach candidly and openly with the help of a third party . Be careful to avoid attributing the misbehavior to superficial explanations such as: “he was working too many hours”; “she was overly involved with the children and ignored me”; or “she was pregnant and not sexually available.” If you don’t, you can’t expect to mend the breach caused by the affair.

To patch things up without ferreting out and dealing with these hidden enemies would be like rebuilding a house on a cracked foundation. You have to get to the heart of the matter if you want a permanent solution. Otherwise, you’ll just be putting a band-aid over a festering wound.

from Infidelity: How to Face the Crisis

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ESTABLISH THE FACTS

‘And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”’ John 8:32(NLT)

It’s important to address the situation without delay, since things could get worse if you wait too long to take appropriate action. But having said this, we should add that it’s equally important to get your bearings first, and then make a calm and deliberate effort to gather all the facts. As you do so, resist the temptation to jump to unwarranted conclusions or to make unjustified accusations. Wounded, hurting, and resentful people may create worst-case scenarios and act on the basis of hearsay and half-truths. This should be a prayerful process, and one that is best done with the help of a wise and trusted counselor, pastor, or friend.

Bear in mind from the beginning that the damage infidelity inflicts upon a marriage is primarily a matter of betrayal and broken trust. There’s a sense in which the presence or absence of sexual activity is a question of secondary importance. That doesn’t mean, of course, that it isn’t helpful to know whether the affair was physical or emotional in nature. On the contrary, a physical affair can have serious medical implications and consequences, such as sexually transmitted infections (STI) or a pregnancy, that you will need to take into account. If sexual activity has been part of the relationship, testing for STI’s for both of you must be an early and essential element of the recovery process.

If sex hasn’t been a part of the equation, you’ll want to verify as much as possible that the relationship was more than just a friendship. Has your spouse directed his time, attention and affection to someone other than you? It’s important to have whatever facts are available confirmed and in hand when you confront your spouse as it’s very possible he or she will offer this defense. To the extent that you are able, you want to put forth a careful and cautious case to define your spouse’s behavior as accurately as possible without making unwarranted accusations.

Finally, try to determine whether the connection between your spouse and the other individual is a past or a present reality. If the affair occurred in the workplace, it stands to reason that the possibility of ongoing contact between the two parties will remain a problem and will require your spouse to seek out new employment. If all contact has ceased and the relationship is clearly “over,” you can begin to think in terms of forgiveness, reconciliation, and reconstruction of your marriage. If not, or if there are indications of a lack of remorse or repentance, you will have to proceed along very different lines.
As noted earlier, it would be a good idea to enlist the support of a wise and trusted friend as you go through this process. We’d also strongly encourage you to consult with a pastor or a licensed Christian marriage counselor before deciding on your next step. Remember that “in a multitude of counselors there is safety” (Proverbs 24:6).

Focus on the Family’s Counseling staff would be more than happy to discuss your situation with you over the phone if you think this might be helpful. You can contact our Counseling Department for a free consultation Monday through Friday between 6:00 a.m. and 8:00 p.m. Mountain time at 855-771-HELP (4357). They’ll be happy to assist you in any way they can. You may also visit our Help Center at http://family.custhelp.com/app/home.

from Infidelity: How to Face the Crisis

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Giving All to Follow Jesus

‘Then Jesus said to his disciples, “I tell you the truth, it is very hard for a rich person to enter the Kingdom of Heaven. I’ll say it again—it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich person to enter the Kingdom of God!” The disciples were astounded. “Then who in the world can be saved?” they asked. Jesus looked at them intently and said, “Humanly speaking, it is impossible. But with God everything is possible.” Then Peter said to him, “We’ve given up everything to follow you. What will we get?” Jesus replied, “I assure you that when the world is made new and the Son of Man sits upon his glorious throne, you who have been my followers will also sit on twelve thrones, judging the twelve tribes of Israel. And everyone who has given up houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or property, for my sake, will receive a hundred times as much in return and will inherit eternal life. But many who are the greatest now will be least important then, and those who seem least important now will be the greatest then.’ Matthew 19:23-30(NLT)

Thoughts on the message

First, rich people have a difficult time getting to heaven because they will not put God ahead of their wealth. Money holds them so strongly that they cannot let go of it. Everyone wants to be wealthy, but God says it is a dangerous place. 

Second, Peter asks an important question: “What about us; we have left everything to follow You?”

I love Jesus’ answer. No one gives more to God than what we get back. You lose your family? God gives you a bigger family. You lose your family inheritance? God gives you an eternal inheritance that is greater than anything you miss here. You put everyone else ahead of you here on this earth? God will put you ahead of others in heaven. So never give up. Never turn back. Never.

Prayer

Father, there are times I get tired of missing out on so much here on this earth. I struggle not having a home, not being close to my family (children, brothers and sisters, mom, grandchildren), or not having time for what I want to do. Like Peter, I ask the same question—do You really see what is happening? Yes, You see! I do not know what heaven will be like, but I know what I will have there is much greater than everything I gave up here on this earth. So today, help me to bless others. Help me to not worry about how about my future. Help me to just give everything I have today to You—my time, my strength, my focus, and my hopes and dreams. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

To continue on the Disciple Makers Series click on the link below:  

 Preparing For The King 

from Forgiveness & Marriage—Disciple Makers Series #19

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My Perspective vs God’s Perspective

‘Someone came to Jesus with this question: “Teacher, what good deed must I do to have eternal life?” “Why ask me about what is good?” Jesus replied. “There is only One who is good. But to answer your question—if you want to receive eternal life, keep the commandments.” “Which ones?” the man asked. And Jesus replied: “‘You must not murder. You must not commit adultery. You must not steal. You must not testify falsely. Honor your father and mother. Love your neighbor as yourself.’” “I’ve obeyed all these commandments,” the young man replied. “What else must I do?” Jesus told him, “If you want to be perfect, go and sell all your possessions and give the money to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.” But when the young man heard this, he went away sad, for he had many possessions.’ Matthew 19:16-22(NLT)

Thoughts on the message 

It is a powerful description of the difference between our thinking and God’s thinking.

Man: What must I do to be good enough for heaven?

Jesus: To be “complete”, you obey the law, have nothing ahead of God, and follow Jesus.

We have so many things attached to our lives. Our needs, our comfort, our dreams and hopes, our expectations for this life all impact how we follow Jesus. We wonder if we do a “good enough” job of following Jesus given all the challenges we face. Jesus’ answer to us is exactly the same—no there is none good enough. Jesus wants us to have nothing ahead of God—everything can be dropped at any moment so we can follow Him. Sometimes that is very painful. Sometimes so painful that we walk away rather than be obedient.

Prayer

Father, I ask for forgiveness for trying to find out what is “good enough” for You in my life. I am asking what I can keep and still have You happy with me. Your answer is that everything must be given to You. That is hard sometimes. We all want to keep some things—and I am no different than anyone else. So today I offer everything again to You. It is painful because I have dreams and hopes like everyone else. Still, I would rather have Jesus than anything. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

from Forgiveness & Marriage—Disciple Makers Series #19

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Seeing Marriage and Children as Jesus Does

‘Jesus’ disciples then said to him, “If this is the case, it is better not to marry!” “Not everyone can accept this statement,” Jesus said. “Only those whom God helps. Some are born as eunuchs, some have been made eunuchs by others, and some choose not to marry for the sake of the Kingdom of Heaven. Let anyone accept this who can.”
Jesus Blesses the Children
One day some parents brought their children to Jesus so he could lay his hands on them and pray for them. But the disciples scolded the parents for bothering him. But Jesus said, “Let the children come to me. Don’t stop them! For the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to those who are like these children.” And he placed his hands on their heads and blessed them before he left.’ Matthew 19:10-15(NLT)

Thoughts on the message

Marriage is not for everyone. That is what Jesus is saying. The challenge of marriage is that it takes so much effort and work to do it the way God requires. Both husband and wife need this mentality so that it works.

Getting in the way of children coming to Jesus. Stopping anyone coming to Jesus. Be careful that we do not say or do anything that causes children to stay away from Jesus. Jesus rebuked His disciples and He rebukes His church today for the same things. Take some time before God and ask Him to reveal if we are doing anything that stops people from coming to Jesus.

Prayer

Father, today You remind me of the challenge of being Your disciple. I must have not just an understanding of You, but a commitment to have Your heart for people. How do I do it, Lord? How can I speak with integrity and speak with Your heart? Fill me with Your Spirit, Lord. The Spirit of wisdom, understanding, counsel, power, knowledge and the Fear of the Lord. Most of all with the Spirit of the Fear of the Lord so that I never speak words that bring dishonor to You, Your name, Your bride or cause other people to do any of these. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

from Forgiveness & Marriage—Disciple Makers Series #19

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Dealing with Divorce

‘When Jesus had finished saying these things, he left Galilee and went down to the region of Judea east of the Jordan River. Large crowds followed him there, and he healed their sick. Some Pharisees came and tried to trap him with this question: “Should a man be allowed to divorce his wife for just any reason?” “Haven’t you read the Scriptures?” Jesus replied. “They record that from the beginning ‘God made them male and female.’” And he said, “‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together.” “Then why did Moses say in the law that a man could give his wife a written notice of divorce and send her away?” they asked. Jesus replied, “Moses permitted divorce only as a concession to your hard hearts, but it was not what God had originally intended. And I tell you this, whoever divorces his wife and marries someone else commits adultery—unless his wife has been unfaithful.”’ Matthew 19:1-9(NLT)

Thoughts on the message

People still try and use divorce to divide people.

In Jesus’ time there were two opinions on divorce. One said men could divorce whenever they wished and another said what Jesus said. It was a divisive issue. Jesus goes back to the beginning of marriage—and shows that God never wanted divorce to happen. When they bring up Moses allowing divorce, Jesus basically says this:

“Divorce happens because people are sinful. Divorce happens because people have a sinful nature and follow it. Be people who have been restored by God—and live together as God designed us.”

If we are truly living as redeemed, restored and regenerated humanity, then we can deal with our differences with God’s help.

Prayer

Father, I thank You for my wife. She has been a tremendous blessing to me in so many ways. It has not always been easy—we both struggle with our fallen human weaknesses. Still, as we have committed to follow Jesus and God’s Word, He has strengthened us to handle these challenges. Father, without Your help—we see what happens. It is a picture of brokenness that goes through the generations. The saddest thing? None of it needs to happen. I pray that my wife and I continue to look to You when we struggle, and I pray for my family and friends that You protect them, restore, and heal any brokenness in their marriages. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

from Forgiveness & Marriage—Disciple Makers Series #19

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Parable of Forgiveness—Part 2

‘“But when the man left the king, he went to a fellow servant who owed him a few thousand dollars. He grabbed him by the throat and demanded instant payment. “His fellow servant fell down before him and begged for a little more time. ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay it,’ he pleaded. But his creditor wouldn’t wait. He had the man arrested and put in prison until the debt could be paid in full. “When some of the other servants saw this, they were very upset. They went to the king and told him everything that had happened. Then the king called in the man he had forgiven and said, ‘You evil servant! I forgave you that tremendous debt because you pleaded with me. Shouldn’t you have mercy on your fellow servant, just as I had mercy on you?’ Then the angry king sent the man to prison to be tortured until he had paid his entire debt. “That’s what my heavenly Father will do to you if you refuse to forgive your brothers and sisters from your heart.”’ Matthew 18:28-35(NLT)

Thoughts on the message

This is part two—God’s response when we do not forgive.

What does unforgiveness cost us?

The man refused to forgive his brother. So the king took back his forgiveness for the man and his debt. 

How can God do the same to us—as Jesus said will happen in verse 35?

Well it is not that God takes it back—the man never took it. He said he received it with his mouth, but it did not change his actions. Forgiveness must change our hearts—or we have not received it. Without God’s forgiveness changing our heart, God says we do not receive it. He can withdraw the offer of forgiveness at any time then. That is what the king did.

That is what God does too. So let God’s forgiveness change your heart. 

Unforgiveness is very expensive.

Prayer

Father, I need You to change not just my words or my actions. I need You to change my heart. Without a heart transformation I am still stuck in my failures, my debt, my brokenness and my sin. Father, I see it all around me in people—in good people. They say they forgive, and then they show an unforgiving heart to others. I never want to respond that way. So help me today with everyone I face who needs forgiveness. Help me to continue forgiving when they do it 77 times. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

from Forgiveness & Marriage—Disciple Makers Series #19

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Parable of Forgiveness—Part 1

‘Then Peter came to him and asked, “Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?” “No, not seven times,” Jesus replied, “but seventy times seven! “Therefore, the Kingdom of Heaven can be compared to a king who decided to bring his accounts up to date with servants who had borrowed money from him. In the process, one of his debtors was brought in who owed him millions of dollars. He couldn’t pay, so his master ordered that he be sold—along with his wife, his children, and everything he owned—to pay the debt. “But the man fell down before his master and begged him, ‘Please, be patient with me, and I will pay it all.’ Then his master was filled with pity for him, and he released him and forgave his debt.’ Matthew 18:21-27(NLT)

Thoughts on the message

This is part one—where we see how God chooses to release forgiveness.

How much do we need to forgive people who continue to choose to do us wrong?

10,000 talents was about the same as the whole budget for the Roman government—the greatest power on earth at the time! (Today, that would be like the budget of the US government—trillions of dollars.) This was a debt no one could comprehend or pay.

When the man asked for mercy, The King released compassion and mercy—totally and freely forgave the debt. This is the way God forgives us—our massive debt of sin against Him. He takes it away and we cannot even begin to understand the magnitude of the debt that we owe. 

So why do we worry about whether someone needs us to forgive them 77 times?

Prayer

Father, You help us to understand the principle of forgiveness by giving us an understanding of the heart of God. Honestly, I do not think we understand it any better than the servant understood the massive nature of his debt. How could anyone have such mercy? How could anyone have such compassion? My God has that kind of mercy! Hallelujah!

Your mercy comes at a great cost though. Jesus paid the debt in full. I do not understand it; I do not comprehend it, and I do not deserve it. However, I received it. Thank You. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

from Forgiveness & Marriage—Disciple Makers Series #19

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Infidelity: ZZ

Marriage Is an Example

‘“No, not seven times,” Jesus replied, “but seventy times seven!’ Matthew 18:22(NLT)

‘And I tell you this, whoever divorces his wife and marries someone else commits adultery—unless his wife has been unfaithful.”’ Matthew 19:9(NLT)

‘“For example, a man who divorces his wife and marries someone else commits adultery. And anyone who marries a woman divorced from her husband commits adultery.”’ Luke 16:18(NLT)

‘Run from sexual sin! No other sin so clearly affects the body as this one does. For sexual immorality is a sin against your own body. ‘ 1 Corinthians 6:18(NLT)

‘Now, I will speak to the rest of you, though I do not have a direct command from the Lord. If a fellow believer has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to continue living with him, he must not leave her. And if a believing woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to continue living with her, she must not leave him. For the believing wife brings holiness to her marriage, and the believing husband brings holiness to his marriage. Otherwise, your children would not be holy, but now they are holy. (But if the husband or wife who isn’t a believer insists on leaving, let them go. In such cases the believing husband or wife is no longer bound to the other, for God has called you to live in peace.) Don’t you wives realize that your husbands might be saved because of you? And don’t you husbands realize that your wives might be saved because of you?’ 1 Corinthians 7:12-16(NLT)

‘God’s will is for you to be holy, so stay away from all sexual sin. Then each of you will control his own body and live in holiness and honor— not in lustful passion like the pagans who do not know God and his ways. ‘ 1 Thessalonians 4:3-5(NLT)

‘Give honor to marriage, and remain faithful to one another in marriage. God will surely judge people who are immoral and those who commit adultery.’ Hebrews 13:4(NLT)

Of course, when we discuss marriage, people often point to biblical exceptions that allow divorce. That is true. There are instances in the Bible when the husband or wife is allowed to divorce. First of all, we need to remember that feeling unloved by our spouse or not feeling love towards our spouse is not one of those exceptions. At the same time, the exceptions themselves need to be viewed in the context of other Scriptures and also in light of God’s heart. They should not be used as an excuse to end the marital commitment.

For example, in the Book of 1 Corinthians, it talks about abandonment as one of the reasons for divorce. It says that if a Christian is married to an unbeliever and the unbeliever wants a divorce, the Christian is permitted to end the relationship. However, if the unbeliever wants to stay in the marital covenant, the believer is encouraged to remain married. In other words, God loves marriage and allows divorce only as a matter of exception. 

Another very commonly discussed reason for divorce is sexual infidelity. Of course, this is a very painful situation if one of the spouses fails to stay faithful in marriage. First of all, it is a sin that the Bible says God will judge. We need to stay away from sexual sin and stay faithful to our spouse as much as we can. However, the instances that do involve sexual sin should be treated on a case by case basis. Here are some questions that need to be asked: Is the person consistently unfaithful? Or is this an isolated sexual failure? Is the individual repenting and willing to work things out in marriage? The Bible encourages the affected spouse to forgive. Of course, this is a difficult matter that might require counseling to be fully resolved. 

Nevertheless, marriage is a place where we need to practice all of the biblical principles. In marriage, we need to exercise such attributes as love, forgiveness, faithfulness, grace, self-control, and others, to the fullest. Marriage is an example to the world. It is an example to our relatives and friends. It is also an example to the Church. This is where we really live out our salvation daily. Marriage is an example of what true love is.

from I No Longer Love My Spouse