Category: Dating

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Dating ZZ

“Communication: The Fastest Route to Connection”

‘Watch your tongue and keep your mouth shut, and you will stay out of trouble.’ Proverbs 21:23(NLT)

‘The tongue can bring death or life; those who love to talk will reap the consequences.’ Proverbs 18:21(NLT)

The book of Proverbs has a lot of relational advice when it comes to the power of words, and we would be wise to consider them. One verse says, “The tongue has the power of life and death.” Many marriage have been saved and strengthened with kindness and affirmation, and many have crashed and burned because of mean-spirited and angry words. Wisdom says, “Those who guard their mouths and their tongues keep themselves from calamity” (Proverbs 21:23). Some marriages take this “guarding” caution to the negative extreme and just stop talking altogether. That’s definitely not the answer for your marriage. A better answer is to not say everything you are thinking. If words are going to hurt your spouse, don’t use them. Keep your mouth shut and be wise.

To develop a healthy marriage, you will need to learn to use your words to engage in intimate conversation, share feelings, express needs, inform your spouse, and bring delight. Words are powerful! The key to powerful spoken words is learning what to say, and more importantly, what not to say—which is often more difficult.

We recently asked an older, happily married couple attending our Refreshing Your Marriage conference, “What’s the secret to your longevity and success in marriage?” The husband looked at his wife and said, “One word: filter.” We pushed for more of an explanation, and what followed was powerful. He said that early in their marriage he needed to filter his words. “Sometimes I just had to bite my tongue and not say what I was thinking. I had to learn that kind words built up and harsh words tore down my wife. I needed to filter my words and not say everything I was thinking unless they were words that were intended to build up. I guess I would say that’s been the biggest secret to our longevity and success.”

* How is your communication with your fiancé? Take a look at your words over the past week, how many have built up, and how many have tore down? How can you better your communication in the future?

from Getting Ready for Marriage by Jim Burns & Doug Fields

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Dating ZZ

“The In-Laws”

‘For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything. For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word. He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church. And we are members of his body. As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.” This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.’ Ephesians 5:23-33(NLT)

Do you remember this verse? “A man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife.”

With no intention of sounding heartless, we have to say that you can’t allow your extended family to take your marriage down. Too many marriages falter and fail because the struggles and pain of extended family members take precedence over any kind of marital connectedness. The mandate from God is to leave your family and make your spouse your first priority. That doesn’t mean you ignore your extended family; it means keeping your marriage sacred and secure so that you remain united in the face of whatever challenges your families must confront. Protect your family and do the right thing.

That being said, learning to navigate the choppy waters of the extended family can all come down to honor. When you show honor to your extended family, you are directly showing honor to your spouse. No matter how different you are from your extended family, you can still communicate respect and learn to be as positive as possible. Regardless of whether your mother-in-law remembers your birthday, make sure she gets a nice card from you on hers. You may need to compromise your expectations in order to show your in-laws respect. This doesn’t mean you have to force yourself to be extremely connected with them. You don’t have to call them “Dad” or “Mom” and watch TV with them every Sunday night. But if you choose to marry their son or daughter, it’s your job to find ways to care for them (even if that care and respect are not always reciprocated).

Whatever you choose to do to honor your in-laws, remember that your primary job is to be supportive of your future wife or husband no matter how much or how little you have in common with their family. Make it your goal to live out this biblical principle: “Outdo one another in showing honor.”

* How are you already showing honor to your to-be in-laws? In what ways can you build upon this in the future?

from Getting Ready for Marriage by Jim Burns & Doug Fields

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Dating ZZ

“Find a Good Premarital Education”

‘Without wise leadership, a nation falls; there is safety in having many advisers.’ Proverbs 11:14(NLT)

‘Fools think their own way is right, but the wise listen to others.’ Proverbs 12:15(NLT)

Proverbs 11:14 states, “Where there is no counsel, the people fall; but in the multitude of counselors there is safety.” While this biblical principle applies to all areas of our lives, it screams “this makes sense” in the context of getting married. Think about it: you would never have a surgical procedure without seeking the advice of a doctor. Unfortunately, too many couples don’t invest the time (or the money) to get the needed relational advice and guidance through premarital counseling.

In fact, by getting premarital education the chance of divorce is lowered by 31 percent. Please pause to think deeply about that statistic for a moment: by simply committing to reading a book like this one or meeting with a counselor, you could drop the odds of divorce from 50 percent to 19!

If one of you is unwilling to get premarital counseling, we actually think this is a “red flag.” Yes, premarital counseling can bring up tender issues that may create some relational pain. But if you’re honest, you know that those issues are going to come up sometime anyway, so we suggest that you have the wisdom to tackle them on the “pre” side of the wedding rather than the “post” side. Getting good counsel will not only prepare you for the many years ahead, it will also help you identify the dangerous issues that could hold you back from having a successful marriage. Don’t convince yourself that you can figure it out on your own and that you don’t need the guidance of others. Look what that type of person is called in Proverbs 12:15, “Fools see their own way as right, but the wise listen to advice.”

* Have you both gone through premarital counseling, or at least read a pre-marriage book? If not, what is stopping you from investing in your future marriage?

from Getting Ready for Marriage by Jim Burns & Doug Fields

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1st Marriage 2nd Marriage Dating ZZ

No Coasting

‘Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. ‘ Hebrews 12:1(NLT)

‘So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.’ James 1:4(NLT)

‘for you have been my partners in spreading the Good News about Christ from the time you first heard it until now. And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.’ Philippians 1:5-6(NLT)

The apostle Paul hits the nail on the head for us as we wrap up this nine day study. He says in Galatians 6:9, “Let us not weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” In lay terms, hang in there, never give up, and your marriage will thrive.

Look at it this way. Let’s compare marriage to a long distance race. The truth is that most of us did not prepare well for the race. We just jumped in and someone said go and we went. We did not train. We did not change our habits or behaviors. We just ran. So it is not surprising that not too far into the race some of us were ready to bail out. Others seemed to be hanging in, but they were really struggling. It comes down to this.

Everyone in the race needs hope. Hope that they can make it the distance. Hope that there are a whole lot of water stations along the route that refresh and energize them. Hope that their spouse is running side by side with them. Hope that their spouse is in it with them to the end. Hope in the truth that they are not running the race alone – God runs with them.

My prayer for you is that you have an Awesome Marriage. I often say that marriage is not rocket science. The 7 “Secrets” are not difficult. It is living them out day after day that can be difficult. I encourage you to persevere, because one day you will say it was worth it. One day as you look back you can see how far God brought you. I wish I could tell you that Nancy and I have always had an Awesome Marriage, but I can’t. We have had some really rough times, and once were at the edge of divorce. In many ways, I am thankful that our marriage took the turns that it did, because otherwise I do not think we would have learned all that God wanted us to learn.

Today our marriage is awesome. Here is your final takeaway: No matter where your marriage is today, God can make it awesome. All you have to do is turn it over to Him and walk faithfully each day in the path He sets before you. Take these 7 “Secrets” and let Him change them into steps that will build a marriage that you both will cherish and the world will look at and say, “What is their secret. They have such an awesome marriage.” Then you can tell them all that God has done.

Prayer: Ask God to encourage and guide you as you work with Him to turn the “secrets” into steps.

from 7 Secrets To An Awesome Marriage by Kim Kimberling

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1st Marriage 2nd Marriage Dating ZZ

FIGHT: The Power of Fighting Together on the Same Team

‘For where two or three gather together as my followers, I am there among them.”’ Matthew 18:20(NLT)

‘What shall we say about such wonderful things as these? If God is for us, who can ever be against us? ‘ Romans 8:31(NLT)

‘Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. ‘ Colossians 3:13(NLT)

If in a Christian marriage the two truly can become one, why does it seem so difficult to fight together on the same team? In Ecclesiastes chapter four King Solomon says, “Two are better than one” and “Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves” and finally “A cord of three strands is not easily broken.”

Look at what happens in these verses. He makes his case first for a couple locking arms and standing together against anything and everything that the world throws at them. Then he takes it up to a whole new level with the “cord of three strands.” This is the picture of a husband and a wife and God bound together in the marriage. The God of the universe. The God of all creation. The God who is everything cares about your marriage. He cares so much that He will put Himself right in the middle where He belongs – if you let Him.

What stands in the way of you fighting together with God? Is it something from the past that is still unresolved? Maybe it is an issue of broken trust or un-forgiveness. Whatever it is, your first step is to let God search your heart and reveal what needs to change. That can be a little bit scary, because when you open yourself up and completely let Him in, things are going to change. The control passes from your hands into His. I promise you this, God will never do anything that is not the very best for you, your spouse, and your marriage.

Now you can do things differently. Now you can stand together instead of apart. Now you can lock arms with God and take on the world. Your life will be better. Your spouse’s life will be better. Your marriage? You cannot even imagine all that our amazingly good God will do.

Prayer: Ask God to fight with you and your spouse as you seek together the incredible marriage that He has for you.

from 7 Secrets To An Awesome Marriage by Kim Kimberling

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1st Marriage 2nd Marriage Dating ZZ

MINGLE: Sex as the Mingling of Souls

‘Now regarding the questions you asked in your letter. Yes, it is good to abstain from sexual relations. But because there is so much sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman should have her own husband. The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife. Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control. ‘ 1 Corinthians 7:1-5(NLT)

‘My lover is mine, and I am his. He browses among the lilies.’ Song of Songs 2:16(NLT)

‘Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.’ Romans 12:2(NLT)

The first time I heard Tommy Nelson of Denton Bible Church teach the Song of Solomon I was amazed. I think I knew the book was a love story, but I had no idea it was that intense a love story. I listened as he described the couple making love two times. I listened as he told of their desire to make love all night long. I listened as he described sex in marriage in the most beautiful way I had ever heard. It was amazing! But then it hit me. I could not believe it. He was teaching from the Bible. You know what that did for me? It took sex from a cultural view to God’s view. It took it from the back seat of a car to the passion of the marriage bed. Sex was a gift from God, and He gave us in marriage a way to be joined to our spouse physically, emotionally, and spiritually. The Hebrew word is “dod.” It means a “mingling of souls.” It is sex at its deepest level, and it can only happen in a Christian marriage. Does it happen in every Chris-tian marriage? No, but it can. Let me give you a formula. (Guys really like formulas, and this is one that works.) When you turn the other six Secrets into steps and live them out with your spouse in your marriage, “dod” happens.

Every last one of us brings sexual baggage into our marriages. It is part of the curse of our culture. Yet God can and will heal your sexual hurts. For many of us, they are deep and the healing may take time, but we follow a God who heals and He can heal you. He wants to heal you.

So in this world we hear more about sex than ever before. It is always on TV, it is on the covers of most magazines, it is all over the internet, and it is the subject of most movies. The sad thing for our world is that none of these tell the story of sex the way God created it to be, and most people buy into the lies and thus miss out on the best sex ever.

Having a great sex life in marriage is important. Wherever it is in your marriage today, do not settle for less than God’s best. Commit to each other to let God renew your minds, heal the past, and help you have a sex life in your marriage that mirrors the Song of Solomon.

Prayer: Pray for God to heal your past sexual hurts. Then together pray for God’s blessing on your sex life as you seek to redefine it God’s way.

from 7 Secrets To An Awesome Marriage by Kim Kimberling

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1st Marriage 2nd Marriage Dating ZZ

BALANCE: Scheduling for a Better Marriage

‘They even did more than we had hoped, for their first action was to give themselves to the Lord and to us, just as God wanted them to do.’ 2 Corinthians 8:5(NLT)

‘Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.’ Matthew 6:33(NLT)

‘You can make many plans, but the Lord ’s purpose will prevail.’ Proverbs 19:21(NLT)

As a kid growing up, I had balance down to an art. I could do tricks on my bike that drew a crowd of other neighborhood kids every time I performed. It was awesome. Yet as a married young adult, I had no idea what balance in a marriage was all about. My balance in marriage was awful.

The first time that I heard the analogy of a man being the hunter who pursues the woman of his dreams, I did not get it. As hunters we pull out all the stops to get her, but once we do – once she says “yes” and the ring is on her finger – we go out to conquer other things. We quit pursuing her and move on to a career or a hobby or something else. (Thank you, Dr. James Dobson. I just wish I had listened.)

I guess the best way to define balance in a marriage is to keep your spouse number two. In the first years of our marriage, I did a really bad job of balance. I pursued a career and tennis and running and working in the yard and friends, and Nancy went from being my number two to way down my list. You would have to ask her where she felt she fell on my list of things that are important. So the time in our marriage that almost ended it was in direct correlation to a marriage that was terribly out of balance. God gave me a wakeup call and another chance. I had to get this balance thing down. You know what I learned? Getting our marriage in balance took a lot of work, but I found that I liked my life in balance a lot better that a life not in balance. I liked putting Nancy number two and when I put her number two, guess where she put me? Yep, I was now her number two.

This is the cool thing God taught me. I am busier today than I have ever been, but if you asked Nancy where she ranked in my life, she would without hesitation say she was number two! I ask God to show me what I need to do each day for Nancy to know how much I love her and how important she is to me. You know what? He does!

Prayer: Ask God to show you where you are out of balance in your marriage and then ask Him to help you put your marriage into balance.

from 7 Secrets To An Awesome Marriage by Kim Kimberling

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1st Marriage 2nd Marriage Dating ZZ

ENGAGE: How to Fight Right

‘And “don’t sin by letting anger control you.” Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry, ‘ Ephesians 4:26(NLT)

‘An angry person starts fights; a hot-tempered person commits all kinds of sin.’ Proverbs 29:22(NLT)

‘Dear brothers and sisters, I close my letter with these last words: Be joyful. Grow to maturity. Encourage each other. Live in harmony and peace. Then the God of love and peace will be with you.’ 2 Corinthians 13:11(NLT)

‘What is causing the quarrels and fights among you? Don’t they come from the evil desires at war within you? ‘ James 4:1(NLT)

What comes to your mind when you hear the word “conflict”? Most of do not get warm fuzzy feelings. Depending on our life experiences, our responses can range from an unpleasant thought to absolute fear. As we look at conflict in a marriage, we find it plays out in a number of ways. Some couples go toe to toe. It is an all-out battle to the end, and someone will eventually win. Other couples are different in that one is dominant and the other passive. The fights do not usually last long, as the dominant one quickly overpowers the passive one either verbally or physically. There are a lot of combinations in between, but the bottom line is that very few couples handle conflict in a healthy way.

Look at your marriage and think about your times of conflict. How do you handle them? If you fight to the finish, you get one winner and two losers – the losing spouse and the marriage. If one dominates the other, trust is broken and walls to protect are built. Often, I see couples who seem to be in a conflict pattern. They fight about almost everything. They don’t choose their battles well at all. Repeated and unresolved conflict will eventually kill a marriage.

But what if instead of the road of conflict we switched over to the road of engage. Engage is different. Let’s be honest, every marriage has conflict. It may look different from one marriage to another but it is there. Honestly, if a couple told me they never had conflict, I would think one of two things. They are either totally unconnected or they are not being honest with me. Marriage is designed for conflict! We are different by design, and differences can cause conflict. We either embrace our differences of we let them tear us apart. It took us a long time to figure that out, but when we did our marriage literally turned around. We went from fighting to engaging.

There is so much to learn from the Bible, but there is one short verse that turns conflict into engaging. James 1:19 says, “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” That’s it. Break that down. Listen to your spouse. Really listen and value what they say. Embrace any differences. Take your time before you speak so that you do not say something you will later regret. Finally, control your anger. That will be tough for some of you because you either never have controlled it or you have not controlled it for a very long time. These three steps put the lid on conflict and set an atmosphere for engaging where differences can be resolved and valued.

Prayer: This is a big one for many of us. Pray that with God’s help James 1:19 is written on your heart in such a way that it is always your first response.

from 7 Secrets To An Awesome Marriage by Kim Kimberling

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1st Marriage 2nd Marriage Dating ZZ

CONNECT: The Art of Listening and Being Present

‘Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. ‘ James 1:19 https://my.bible.com/bible/116/JAS.1.19

‘If you prize wisdom, she will make you great. Embrace her, and she will honor you.’ Proverbs 4:8(NLT)

‘In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. ‘ Ephesians 5:28(NLT)

Sometimes I better understand what a word means when I know what its opposite means. Take the word “connect.” It can mean a number of things. We connect dots, we connect airplane flights to get us where we want to go, and we connect with others in our same profession hoping to learn from each other. But what does connect mean in a marriage? Is it talking or hanging out together or the absence of fighting? Is it sharing a bank account or going on a date or living under the same roof? I know couples that do all of those, and the last word I would use to describe them would be connected. They talk, but it is always surface. They hang out, but it is more out of convenience. They don’t fight, but there is no passion. The bank account makes sense to them on a practical level. The dates keep them from going to a movie or out to dinner alone, and living together under the same roof saves a lot of money on bills. These couples do not connect – they exist. Someone observing them might think they are connected, but they are not.

Nancy and I do all the above, but this is the difference. When we talk to each other we put a lot of effort into listening. We want each other to know they are heard. That connects us. When we hang out together, we touch and sit close together and hold hands. Physical touch connects us. We fight, but we try to fight fair and to resolve our differences and to show respect for each other. That connects us. Sharing a bank account connects us because we have a budget; when we stick to it we have more to give away, and being generous connects us. We started having dates together in college, and we still have them all the time. We look forward to enjoying time together and it connects us. The place we live together under the same roof is our home, and we connect there every day.

Connected is where we are most of the time today, but it took work. We had a lot of existing years, but we hung in there, and as we learned about doing marriage God’s way the days of existing together turned into days of connecting together.

Prayer: Ask God to show you where you are just existing in your marriage. Then ask Him to help you connect in a way that allows you to cherish each other and your marriage.

from 7 Secrets To An Awesome Marriage by Kim Kimberling

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1st Marriage 2nd Marriage Dating ZZ

START: The Practice of Putting God First, Spouse Second

‘Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.’ Matthew 6:33(NLT)

‘I always thank my God for you and for the gracious gifts he has given you, now that you belong to Christ Jesus. ‘ 1 Corinthians 1:4(NLT)

‘A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.’ Ecclesiastes 4:12(NLT)

A few years back, I was attending a conference in Amsterdam. One evening I sat and talked with a man who was a pastor from a small African village. The people in his church were very poor, but he related how they had this incredible passion for God. Then he said something that really hit me hard. He said, “I feel sorry for you and your country. You have so much that distracts you from God. My people have nothing but God.”

START begins with putting God first in your life. If I asked you what is the most important thing in your life and you said God, is there evidence to prove that is true? If I looked at your calendar, what would I see? How much of your life is set aside to spend time with God? I was in a men’s small group, and the leader that day asked us all to write down our top three priorities. Then we went around the table and each of us shared our list. Without exception, our lists were identical – God, family, work. We were all feeling pretty good about our answers until our leader asked us to open our daily calendars on our mobile devices and lay them on the table. Guess what? All of our calendars were almost identical, too – and none of us had time blocked off for God or family.

Let me share something with you that I have found to be absolutely one hundred percent true. When my relationship with God is where it needs to be, my relationship with Nancy is, too, and when my relationship with God is not where it needs to be neither is my relationship with Nancy. For me, putting God first looks something like this. I start my day and end my day with Him. I seek His wisdom. I pray for my marriage and my family. I filter everything that happens in my day through Him. He is first. Then and only then do I keep Nancy where He wants her to be. He is my one. She is my two. That is what START is all about.

Prayer: Pray for God to show you what it means to put Him first each and every day. Then with His help start the process.

from 7 Secrets To An Awesome Marriage by Kim Kimberling