Category: Dating

‘One day as he saw the crowds gathering, Jesus went up on the mountainside and sat down. His disciples gathered around him, and he began to teach them.
The Beatitudes
“God blesses those who are poor and realize their need for him,#5:3 Greek poor in spirit. for the Kingdom of Heaven is theirs. God blesses those who mourn, for they will be comforted. God blesses those who are humble, for they will inherit the whole earth. God blesses those who hunger and thirst for justice, for they will be satisfied. God blesses those who are merciful, for they will be shown mercy. God blesses those whose hearts are pure, for they will see God. God blesses those who work for peace, for they will be called the children of God. God blesses those who are persecuted for doing right, for the Kingdom of Heaven is theirs. “God blesses you when people mock you and persecute you and lie about you and say all sorts of evil things against you because you are my followers. Be happy about it! Be very glad! For a great reward awaits you in heaven. And remember, the ancient prophets were persecuted in the same way.’ Matthew 5:1-12(NLT)

In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus described the ethic that defines His kingdom. As a king, He has sovereign rule and is free to determine which values and actions will be praised. Much like a political party constructs a platform or a nation drafts a constitution, the kingdom of heaven has a defined way of life. Jesus described that life in His famous sermon.

The introduction to the Sermon on the Mount sets the stage for how different God’s values are from ours. He begins with eight “blessed” statements. The word blessed has been translated many ways. Because of its Latin connection, some would translate it as “happy.” “Lucky” is another option. Jesus says, “These are the lucky ones,” yet what he lists do not seem to be lucky: the poor in spirit, mourners, the meek, those who hunger and thirst, the merciful, the pure in heart, the peacemakers, and those who are persecuted.

Christian marriages are intended to be a striking contrast to our world. God’s kingdom values people this world rejects—the least expected, the least deserving. The ones pitied in this world are envied in God’s kingdom. The ones this world might call cursed, Jesus calls blessed.

Marriage was God’s idea. Before sin, before the chaos of the fall, and in the midst of perfection, God said it is not good for humans to be alone. He created men and women to be together, knowing this relationship would be complicated after the fall. The original differences that complemented one another would irritate each other as pride came into the equation. 

The Beatitudes, which were a bold announcement of who is lucky in God’s kingdom, can form a matrix through which a successful marriage can be experienced. If a good marriage feels like good fortune, what defines the lucky ones? The order of these commitments is no accident. While each influences the other, there is a natural progression to how Jesus listed these attitudes. It all begins with humility, just like in a marriage done happily.

These eight concepts reveal an attitude, which shows us the “how” of God’s kingdom and can easily translate to the “how “of marriage. In a world fixated on the external, a good marriage begins on the inside. The Beatitudes differ from what we would naturally expect or naturally do. They confront our sinfulness and invite us into a different way of life…and into a lasting marriage. 

What’s one specific change you can make regarding your marriage that will make it better?

from Happily By Kevin Thompson

‘Who may worship in your sanctuary, Lord ? Who may enter your presence on your holy hill? Those who lead blameless lives and do what is right, speaking the truth from sincere hearts.’ Psalms 15:1-2(NLT)

‘Make them holy by your truth; teach them your word, which is truth. ‘ John 17:17(NLT)

‘Don’t lie to each other, for you have stripped off your old sinful nature and all its wicked deeds. Put on your new nature, and be renewed as you learn to know your Creator and become like him. ‘ Colossians 3:9-10(NLT)

‘Honesty guides good people; dishonesty destroys treacherous people.’ Proverbs 11:3(NLT)

If you can’t tell your spouse the truth, you have a problem. Lies kill. They may not end the whole relationship, but they destroy elements of trust, intimacy, and connection: Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices, and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator, (Colossians 3:9-10). Where a lie reigns, a true relationship does not. Anything built on a lie is a world that does not truly exist. Until the lies stop, a healthy relationship cannot grow.

A marriage in which the truth is regularly told requires humility. Both spouses must realize their imperfections and expect them from themselves and one another. Truth-telling is evidence that mercy is present: The integrity of the upright guides them, but the unfaithful are destroyed by their duplicity, (Proverbs 11:3). Honesty is likely to be present when a couple has a shared purpose. When a couple sees their relationship as having a higher purpose (contributing to the communal good, impacting children, influencing society, bringing glory to God), they are more likely to do the hard work of learning to tell the truth.

We can learn to handle the truth. We can build a pattern of truth-telling so that a deep level of trust is created. As we repeatedly tell the truth, we will see how truth- telling liberates the relationship and frees us from many underlying motives—manipulation, masking feelings, hypocrisy, etc. 

This life-giving truth begins with an understanding of God’s presence in our lives, (Psalm 15:1-2). We recognize God’s authority and creative design. We know marriage was His idea long before it was ours. 

We then find ourselves trying to identify lies we have believed about success, happiness, meaning, and value. We recognize society is regularly telling us a false story of how to experience true intimacy. We become aware that just because something was our experience growing up doesn’t mean it is the only way or the best way to do things. For the pure in heart, truth is a continual pursuit in every aspect of life. Because they are poor in spirit, they know their own temptations. Because they regularly mourn, they aren’t deceived into thinking they are perfect. 

Why are we afraid of the truth? What is the cost of dishonest words in our marriage relationship?

from Happily By Kevin Thompson

‘Do not love this world nor the things it offers you, for when you love the world, you do not have the love of the Father in you. For the world offers only a craving for physical pleasure, a craving for everything we see, and pride in our achievements and possessions. These are not from the Father, but are from this world. ‘ 1 John 2:15-16(NLT)

‘I pray that your hearts will be flooded with light so that you can understand the confident hope he has given to those he called—his holy people who are his rich and glorious inheritance. I also pray that you will understand the incredible greatness of God’s power for us who believe him. This is the same mighty power that raised Christ from the dead and seated him in the place of honor at God’s right hand in the heavenly realms. Now he is far above any ruler or authority or power or leader or anything else—not only in this world but also in the world to come. God has put all things under the authority of Christ and has made him head over all things for the benefit of the church. And the church is his body; it is made full and complete by Christ, who fills all things everywhere with himself.’ Ephesians 1:18-23(NLT)

Making our marriage about more than just us is a desire that drives action. It’s a hope that motivates and influences everything we do. It’s a perspective from which everything is viewed. This begins individually. I must focus on my own attitudes, decisions, and actions. It continues corporately if my spouse joins me in the belief that marriage is bigger than the two of us. If she chooses not to believe that, then I continue to live out my vows and trust that God will use our relationship to transform my heart. If she joins me in that perspective, then I thank God for her mindset and we work together to pursue righteousness.

We start with the heart. As we each focus on our own hearts, we also guard the heart of our marriage. We learn to love what God loves: The Lord loves righteousness and justice; the earth is full of his unfailing love, (Psalm 33:5). We purge our hearts of desires that do not match His: The Lord detests the way of the wicked, but he loves those who pursue righteousness, (Proverbs 15:9).  We recognize our responsibility to have a heart for one another and the things of God: And now I give you a new commandment: love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another, (John 13:34).

We use our strengths. We exert ourselves for the betterment of each other and others, (Romans 12:1-2). We engage in activities and habits that will build us as individuals, strengthen our marriage, and contribute to the well-being of society. We don’t grow weary in well doing, believing there is a higher purpose and reward for doing the right things.

When we seek from our spouse what can only be found in God, we are setting them and ourselves up for failure. We will ensure our relationships are never as satisfying as they can be because we will always be expecting more. But when we have a proper perspective of what marriage can and cannot do, we empower success. 

We free our spouse from the pressure of making us happy. We free ourselves from disappointment when someone else fails to make us happy. No longer caught in a trap of wrong expectations, we can do what we are called to do. We can love and be loved, fail and succeed, learn and grow. 

How does seeing marriage as bigger than you make your marriage better?

from Happily By Kevin Thompson

‘Get all the advice and instruction you can, so you will be wise the rest of your life.’ Proverbs 19:20(NLT)

‘Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. ‘ James 1:19(NLT)

‘Even fools are thought wise when they keep silent; with their mouths shut, they seem intelligent.’ Proverbs 17:28(NLT)

‘Let the wise listen to these proverbs and become even wiser. Let those with understanding receive guidance’ Proverbs 1:5(NLT)

While no relationship is perfect, good relationships are characterized by good communication, which, in part, demands that we recognize we are bad at communicating. Some couples are deceived into thinking that individually they are capable communicators—those are the couples who seldom communicate well. Good communication begins with a recognition of the difficulty of the process. Yet healthy couples learn, grow, and develop proper communication. Meekness empowers the growth. The result is that both spouses feel “heard”.

Notice it’s a feeling. It’s not enough for a husband just to hear his wife. She has to feel as though she has been heard. While a husband is not ultimately responsible for his wife’s feelings, he is responsible for doing everything in his power to give her the opportunity to have that feeling of being heard. She owes him the same.

Creating a climate in which a spouse feels heard is as simple as learning some basic communication techniques. No one is born a good listener. We must develop the skills—through learning and practice—to become good listeners and Scripture teaches us how to.

Stop talking. It’s that simple. You can’t listen while talking. Even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise; when he closes his lips, he is deemed intelligent. (Proverbs 17:28) Your spouse needs a chance to speak. Stop preparing your response. We add to our understanding when we listen: Let the wise listen and add to their learning, (Proverbs 1:5). Respond after your spouse finishes talking. Focus on what they are saying, not what you will say next.

Desire to know your spouse’s opinion. Just wanting to hear what they have to say aids listening. Also, ask if you heard them correctly. Before responding, clarify what your spouse has said. “Are you saying . . . ?” is a great question. Until they agree that they’re saying what you think they’re saying, you aren’t ready to respond.

Listening well is loving well. We listen to those we love. This is practice for becoming fully engaged. You aren’t perfect. You don’t know everything you should do. But listening is a part of being humble, teachable, and willing to work. Couples invested as good listeners are working to happily create a vibrant lasting marriage.

Practice listening to your spouse today. What is hard about not preparing a response and simply listening to their words?

from Happily By Kevin Thompson

‘“If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins.’ Matthew 6:14-15(NLT)

‘Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.’ 2 Corinthians 12:9-10(NLT)

‘He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds.’ Psalms 147:3(NLT)

A guarantee of love is loss. As we open our hearts to love, we also open them to sorrow. One of the most memorable moments of my life was kneeling beside my grandfather to tell him that his wife of seventy years had died. The pain in his eyes is something I’ve never felt. I’ve sat in a living room and listened to a wife make groans I can’t describe after she found out her husband was having an affair. I’ve wept with men as their hearts are breaking because their aging wives no longer recognize them.

Before I was married, I knew I was broken. But I had no idea the extent of my brokenness until I had a family of my own. The gift (and the curse) of a spouse is that you can’t fake it with them. But this is the redemption of marriage: our true natures are revealed and we have the opportunity to genuinely change our hearts: He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds, (Psalms 147:3).

Marriage exposes your vulnerabilities. Because of this, it is also the opportunity to confront your greatest sorrows. Marriage is guaranteed to include pain, so we should do everything in our power not to add to that pain. Wise choices are essential so we don’t suffer the unnecessary burden of betrayal, crushing debt, addiction, or many other sorrows that can happen by foolish choices. However, some of the pain of marriage can’t be avoided. It needs to be accepted and appreciated. For many, the potential for marital success is determined by our willingness to endure pain, to mourn our own broken nature.

We choose to love with humility because we have accepted our own humanity. We struggle with loving others because they have not learned to love their true selves. When we won’t confront the truth within ourselves, repent, forgive, and move forward, we live in denial of our true natures and give ourselves permission to fixate on the flaws of others. Don’t allow this to be a source of conflict in your marriage: For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins, (Matthew 6:14-15).

Does your spouse feel safe enough to be vulnerable with you? Why or why not?

from Happily By Kevin Thompson

‘So humble yourselves under the mighty power of God, and at the right time he will lift you up in honor. Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.’ 1 Peter 5:6-7(NLT)

At the heart of nearly every marriage problem is pride, yet rarely does a couple call me and say, “We have a pride problem.” They might recognize the issue in their spouse, but they never see it in themselves.

Most of the time when we experience the absence of humility—pride—it comes in an unexpected way. We all know people who think they have it all together and have no need of anyone else. Yet the truth is that most of us and most of the people we meet who lack humility are not arrogant; they are insecure. 

Humility helps us define what is appropriate and true about ourselves and for others. A humble person knows not only who they are but they value the otherness of another. I would describe humility as a proper self-perspective when we compare ourselves to God. Knowing God defines our boundaries. When we know who God is and who we are, we can function within ourselves. The result is humility. When we’re humble, we both understand our weaknesses and limitations and our strengths and gifts. We won’t have an inflated view of self nor the need to control our spouse or anyone else for that matter. Humility liberates the self from itself.

How do we live humbly in our marriage when we live in a world that doesn’t fully value marriage? The by-products in marriage are diverse:

• Adultery is the prideful belief that I deserve something I’m not allowed.
• Contempt is the prideful concept that I am better than you.
• Silence is the prideful act that shows you don’t deserve my voice.
• Anger is the prideful response that says I don’t have to care about your feelings.
• The absence of sex stems from the prideful belief that I can ignore your needs.

Pride divides and destroys. Humility unites and multiplies. Here’s the good news: pride dies in the soil of humility. When your relationship is planted in the soil of humility, it can thrive. Have the right expectation of yourself and your mate. Don’t overestimate your own ability: Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves, (Philippians 2:3). This creates the soil needed to accept the very true reality that both you and your spouse are flawed and needy. In the midst of your mutual brokenness, choose to find meaning and value, not judgment and anger.

What behavior or attitude of yours has caused your spouse pain? Are you willing to look at that? If so, do. If not, why?

from Happily By Kevin Thompson

‘I am the Lord , who opened a way through the waters, making a dry path through the sea. I called forth the mighty army of Egypt with all its chariots and horses. I drew them beneath the waves, and they drowned, their lives snuffed out like a smoldering candlewick. “But forget all that— it is nothing compared to what I am going to do. For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.’ Isaiah 43:16-19(NLT)

Recently I was sitting down with a friend, who told me his wife had cheated on him. The news was shocking to him, but not to me. He couldn’t fathom why she had done it. Little did he know it was as predictable as any relationship struggle could be. He had been clueless for years. Moments of struggle had come, but they seemed normal. 

His ignorance and apathy had been blind to the slow death. Mesmerized by career and hobbies, confusing the birth of children with the certainty of love, he couldn’t see what was right before him. Aware of every nuance of emotion in his career in sales, he never noticed his wife no longer smiled, laughed, or spoke about the future.

“I can’t believe she did this,” he kept repeating.

“I can’t believe she waited to do this”, I kept thinking.

Her heart had been dying for years. An innocent Facebook comment led to an inbox message and ended in a six-month affair. He wanted to get help; she wanted to get out. The odds of success were against them. 

Marriages are struggling. Divorce is contagious. Small decisions and behaviors go unseen, slowly destroying the foundation of a healthy relationship. A good marriage feels like luck—like we have struck the jackpot. The word “happy” is rooted in the concept of chance. Hap can be used in happy, but it’s also present in words like happenstance or perhaps. Being happy is so great that it feels as though it’s a stroke of good fortune. Yet happiness is not happenstance. Good marriages do not face less conflict or difficulties; they aren’t assured by great circumstances. Let’s look at why some marriages work and others do not.

As husbands and wives go about their daily lives, a certain attitude should follow them wherever they go. The “whats” of a healthy marriage will be done happily. The verbs describe what a couple does in a marriage, but the adverb happily reveals the manner in which those actions should be done. Happiness was never intended to be the main focus of marriage. When it is the focus, it’s rarely experienced. Happiness is a by-product. When we pursue it, we don’t find it. Yet when a couple chooses rightly and lives wisely, happiness comes along for the ride.

Why do we believe happiness is more about happenstance than our choices? What would a happy marriage look like to you?

from Happily By Kevin Thompson