Category: Dating

‘Never let loyalty and kindness leave you! Tie them around your neck as a reminder. Write them deep within your heart.’ Proverbs 3:3(NLT)

‘For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her ‘ Ephesians 5:25(NLT)

‘Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. ‘ Colossians 3:13(NLT)

Scripture: Proverbs 3:3, Ephesians 5:25, Colossians 3:13

As we wrap our week together, I want to leave you with an image of sacrificial love found within marriage. This story was displayed during my stepdad’s funeral and illustrates one of the most beautiful pictures of marriage I’ve ever seen. My biological father passed away from heart disease when I was six years old. My brother was three and a half at the time, and he and I grew up in a single-parent home with our mom. A few years later, our mom remarried, and we became a stepfamily. 

Toward the end of my stepdad’s life, however, he was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. It was horrible for him and heart-breaking for our family. During those years, we watched my stepdad progressively decline in verbal and cognitive function. The disease process became a huge challenge to my mom, and she made many willing sacrifices to care for him. 

She couldn’t travel or even leave the house without bringing my stepdad. He needed around-the-clock care and supervision. My mom cooked every meal, drove everywhere they went together, made sure he took his pills, and kept him clean as even personal hygiene was affected by this disease. Even though she grew weary at times, she cared for and supported him. 

Their marriage was far from perfect, but they loved each other until the end. My stepdad’s funeral was a powerful testimony to my mom’s love for him. As I reflect on how my mom showed selfless and sacrificial love, I can’t help but think of how God loves us: “But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved,” (Ephesians 2:4-5). We can never repay God, nor does He ask us to. His love is not contingent upon our proper or worthy response. 

Similarly in marriage, we are permitted the opportunity to love one another wholly and with sacrifice. I was given the extraordinary privilege of seeing sacrificial love lived out first hand by my mother toward my stepdad. Marriage allows a man and woman to display the gospel message of unity through love.

What does sacrifice mean to you? Is it hard for you to imagine demonstrating sacrificial love—like we looked at today—or does it give you joy to think of serving one another in this way? Why or why not?

from Ready Or Knot? by Scott Kedersha

‘Fools think their own way is right, but the wise listen to others.’ Proverbs 12:15(NLT)

‘As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend.’ Proverbs 27:17(NLT)

‘Let us think of ways to motivate one another to acts of love and good works. And let us not neglect our meeting together, as some people do, but encourage one another, especially now that the day of his return is drawing near.’ Hebrews 10:24-25(NLT)

Scripture: Proverbs 12:15, 27:17, Hebrews 10:24-25

Can you imagine having a group of friends who love and “spur you on toward love and good deeds”? (Hebrews 10:24). Friends whom God could use to change every part of your world? Good, faithful friends are hard to find. It’s important to walk through your premarried and married seasons of life with a loving, caring group of friends. 

Anytime we think we can handle life on our own, it’s a problem. A quick look at some of the Proverbs shows us the dangers of isolation and the benefits of community. The Bible teaches that a wise person sees the benefits of accepting input from others instead of thinking they can do things on their own. Individuals and couples who do well in life and marriage open themselves up to counsel from friends. 

So why are we hesitant to invite others into our lives and to seek wise counsel? Sometimes we don’t want to give others access to our lives, because we don’t want the accountability. Some of you reading this are crossing sexual boundaries, and even though you know it’s not God’s best, you’re still choosing to pursue each other without purity. You know if you ask for help or invite someone else into your relationship, you’re going to have to either confess your sin or lie to cover it up. You don’t want to do either of these things. Believe me, I’ve done both too many times to count, and it never once worked out well. 

Other times, we either think we know better or we know we’ve messed up, and we’re scared of being found out. We are meant to live vulnerably with those we trust. Still others of you will want to compromise in your marriage choice. You think life will be better with a spouse than being alone, even though you know the relationship is not God’s best. You may fear that if others are asked about your choices, you might have to give up the relationship. 

Solomon tells us, “For lack of guidance a nation falls, but victory is won through many advisers,” (Proverbs 11:14). If the person you want to marry doesn’t seek or desire any input from others, I’d run from the altar. This is a red flag. Community and its deep friendships are one of life’s greatest provisions. 

Does your significant other have close, godly friends who hold them accountable with their lifestyle and choices? Do you?

from Ready Or Knot? by Scott Kedersha

‘Don’t you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself, for God bought you with a high price. So you must honor God with your body.’ 1 Corinthians 6:19-20(NLT)

‘God’s will is for you to be holy, so stay away from all sexual sin. ‘ 1 Thessalonians 4:3(NLT)

Scripture: 1 Corinthians 6:19-20, 1 Thessalonians 4:3

It’s time to talk about sex. This might be the most difficult day this week for some of us. I truly desire to rightly capture the heart of God as we dive into the subject of sex. I’ll start by telling you God loves you. Whether you’ve sinned sexually for as far back as you can remember or you’ve never looked at porn or crossed any boundaries physically, each of us walks into relationships and marriage with some level of pain, guilt, and shame connected to sex.

That’s why we need to talk about God’s design and plan for sexual intimacy both before and after the wedding day.  To that end, I want to introduce Rob and Crystal. Each brought a significant amount of sexual baggage into their dating and marriage relationship. Here’s the good news: in God’s remarkable grace and kindness, He enabled Rob and Crystal to pursue each other in a different way than either had dated in the past.

 Crystal is forthcoming in what made the difference: “We had to remember Romans 8:1. Paul said, ‘There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.’ There’s no sin so horrific that Jesus didn’t already pay the price for it. Satan will try to use the guilt of your past against you, and we chose not to let that happen in our relationship.”

Rob’s words are equally compelling: “For the first time in my life, I dated someone well. I chose to honor God and honor Crystal by pursuing her with purity. Every other relationship in my past was marked by my selfish sexual desires.”

I beg you, if you are crossing boundaries with regard to purity, choose to honor God with your body. One of the most comforting verses in the whole Bible to me is Hebrews 4:15: “We do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin.” He was tempted in many of the same ways you and I are tempted, yet He managed not to sin in the process. 

If you know you’re going to struggle, set strict boundaries. Surround yourself with friends who will help you stay the course for sexual purity and honor one another in this area. You will not regret doing so. 

Spend some time thinking back through your sexual past. What do you need to share with your significant other? 

from Ready Or Knot? by Scott Kedersha

‘“Don’t store up treasures here on earth, where moths eat them and rust destroys them, and where thieves break in and steal. Store your treasures in heaven, where moths and rust cannot destroy, and thieves do not break in and steal. Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will also be.’ Matthew 6:19-21(NLT)

‘Yet true godliness with contentment is itself great wealth. After all, we brought nothing with us when we came into the world, and we can’t take anything with us when we leave it. So if we have enough food and clothing, let us be content. But people who long to be rich fall into temptation and are trapped by many foolish and harmful desires that plunge them into ruin and destruction. For the love of money is the root of all kinds of evil. And some people, craving money, have wandered from the true faith and pierced themselves with many sorrows.’ 1 Timothy 6:6-10(NLT)

Scripture: Matthew 6:19–21, 1 Timothy 6:6-10

I’m a spender. My wife, Kristen, on the other hand, came into marriage with no debt. Kristen had her stuff together. I just had a lot of stuff. After years of working with thousands of couples, I know we are not alone. Getting this area of your relationship right is imperative, or it might lead to a boatload of destruction in your relationship. If you do get it right, financial health can be a great source of joy and blessing to your family and others. 

Whether you and your significant other have a lot of money, a lot of debt, or something in between, your view of money will be one of the most important parts of your relationship. Every couple I know faces challenges with regard to financial decisions. And perhaps no other aspect of your marriage will lead to tougher times and harder conversations than money. 

Before you sit down and discuss your financial future, decide you will respond to one other with grace and mercy—habits and choices about money are keenly felt. Paul wrote in Ephesians 2:4–5, “Because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved.” When we receive each other in this manner, we are honoring Christ with how we treat one other.

In His Sermon on the Mount, Jesus shared some challenging truths about money and how we spend it. He gives us two choices with our money: either we invest in the stuff of this earth, or we invest in things of eternal value. Until both you and your significant other develop a mindset focused on eternal things, you will always struggle with how to best manage the resources and possessions you have as a couple. 

When couples fail to discuss finances or align financial expectations, they often face marital strife and discord. When you take the time to reconcile your beliefs and expectations, money can become a source of great joy and generosity. What debt do I have? Where does my money go? What is my family’s history with money? Do I view myself as an owner or a steward? These questions and others are essential to engage with your significant other on this side of the engagement. 

Would you consider yourself generous with money? Would your friends and family come to the same conclusion?

from Ready Or Knot? by Scott Kedersha

‘Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him.” So the Lord God formed from the ground all the wild animals and all the birds of the sky. He brought them to the man to see what he would call them, and the man chose a name for each one. He gave names to all the livestock, all the birds of the sky, and all the wild animals. But still there was no helper just right for him. So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep. While the man slept, the Lord God took out one of the man’s ribs and closed up the opening. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib, and he brought her to the man. “At last!” the man exclaimed. “This one is bone from my bone, and flesh from my flesh! She will be called ‘woman,’ because she was taken from ‘man.’” This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one. Now the man and his wife were both naked, but they felt no shame.’ Genesis 2:18-25(NLT)

‘Those who trust their own insight are foolish, but anyone who walks in wisdom is safe.’ Proverbs 28:26(NLT)

‘Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony. And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are called to live in peace. And always be thankful. Let the message about Christ, in all its richness, fill your lives. Teach and counsel each other with all the wisdom he gives. Sing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs to God with thankful hearts. And whatever you do or say, do it as a representative of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through him to God the Father.’ Colossians 3:12-17(NLT)

Scripture: Genesis 2:18–25, Proverbs 28:26, Colossians 3:12–17

Let’s be honest: no one plans to end up divorced or stuck in a lifeless marriage. Every couple comes into marriage with the best of intentions. To that end, I want to introduce you to Dan and Tracy whose “happily ever after” did not turn out the way they thought it would. They had been married for twenty-five years, and they hated each other. 

This might seem like a depressing place for a study about marriage to start, but before you can fully grasp the good news of marriage—and believe me, there is good news—you must understand the whole picture. 

Back to Dan and Tracy. After dating and becoming engaged, they met once with the pastor who would marry them. He warned them that they, like all other couples, would argue about in-laws and money. They decided further counseling wasn’t needed. After all, they loved each other. Unfortunately, their marriage didn’t go like they imagined. After two decades of marriage, Dan and Tracy had become roommates. No more flirting. No more dreaming together. Their kids were grown, and all they had was a shell of a marriage. They were isolated, bored, and looked elsewhere for their satisfaction. 

Despite all the pain in their relationship, Dan and Tracy didn’t want a divorce. But they knew their marriage couldn’t remain in its current state. Dan admitted, “Even with our problems, from the beginning, we said divorce was never an option. I encourage all couples to make this decision before you say ‘I do.’ If you’re not in alignment on this one, then you’re not ready to get married.” They decided to get help. They began hard work on their marriage and heart work in their own lives. They invited others into their mess and started the healing process of confession, grief, forgiveness, and reconciliation. 

Tracy adds, “Whenever we talk with premarried couples, we tell them to do all the hard work they can before marriage, so they understand what they are getting into when they decide to tie the knot.” Today, Dan and Tracy have made it to the other side of what could have easily ended their marriage, and it’s beautiful. On their thirty-year anniversary, they renewed their marriage vows and this time, understood what they were committing to as they said “I do, again.” 

What did you grow up believing about marriage? How did your parent(s) model for or teach you what marriage should or shouldn’t look like? 

from Ready Or Knot? by Scott Kedersha

‘Understand, therefore, that the Lord your God is indeed God. He is the faithful God who keeps his covenant for a thousand generations and lavishes his unfailing love on those who love him and obey his commands. ‘ Deuteronomy 7:9(NLT)

‘For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything. For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word. He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church. And we are members of his body. As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.” This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.’ Ephesians 5:22-33(NLT)

Scripture: Deuteronomy 7:9, Ephesians 5:22–33

Marriage is designed by God to be a lifelong, covenant relationship between one man and one woman that gives a picture of Christ’s loving relationship with His bride, the church. 

The Bible teaches that the unconditional, unbreakable covenant relationship of marriage is similar in many ways to God’s covenant relationship with His children: “I gave you my solemn oath and entered into a covenant with you, declares the Sovereign LORD, and you became mine,” (Ezekiel 16:8).

God did not create marriage to make you happy. In fact, my friend Gary Thomas, in his book Sacred Marriage, says it this way, “What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?” Happiness might be the by-product of a godly marriage, but God never promised that marriage will make you happy. No human relationship will ever fulfill you, bring you ultimate happiness, or complete you. 

If you don’t have a biblical view of marriage, then you are likely to seek a way out once your spouse disappoints you. You will have unmet expectations—every couple does. Your spouse will let you down, and you will let your spouse down. When this happens, your foundational view of marriage will impact the actions you take and the way you respond. Because God’s love for you is not dependent on your actions, your commitment to your spouse shouldn’t be either. 

By the end of this week, my hope for you is to have a strong understanding about the status of your premarried relationship. I believe you will find yourself in one of three places: 1) you will realize you are ready to tie the knot as you move forward, confirmed in your decision to get married; 2) you will pause the direction you are going—you are not ready to break up, but you’re also not ready to get married until you make some changes; or 3) you will come to the realization that the best decision you can make is to break up and go your separate ways. Building the foundation to a life-long marriage requires a willingness to tackle the hard topics with your significant other before the vows are exchanged.

Do you think of marriage as a conditional contract you can get out of or as a life-long covenant designed by God, intended to mirror His love for us? Why did you answer this way?

from Ready Or Knot? by Scott Kedersha

‘Get all the advice and instruction you can, so you will be wise the rest of your life.’ Proverbs 19:20(NLT)

‘And he said, “‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together.”’ Matthew 19:5-6(NLT)

Scripture: Proverbs 19:20, Matthew 19:5–6

I love a good wedding. I still get a little choked up every time I see a father walking his daughter down the aisle to meet her adoring groom. She usually holds it together while the groom can’t restrain his tears. I enjoy the conversations, the food, the dancing—and of course, the wedding cake! 

But the best weddings are the ones when I’m excited and hopeful for the bride and groom. We’ve all been to weddings when we’re anxious about the couple’s future. I don’t want that to be your story. I want you to be ready to tie the knot! When you share your vows and say “Till death do us part,” I want you to know what and who you are committing to. 

As a marriage pastor, I’ve also noticed that many couples spend more time planning their wedding than preparing for their marriage. Because our society, and even our churches, put a lot of pressure on couples to have a beautiful wedding, far too many couples slide by important conversations and questions that beg to be asked. Don’t misunderstand me: there is nothing wrong with having a great wedding—unless it’s at the expense of a great marriage.  

During the past thirteen years, I’ve helped thousands of seriously dating and engaged couples, and I’ve officiated close to one hundred weddings. I’ve served alongside couples with successful marriages, and I’ve counseled struggling couples who wish they had never gotten married in the first place. Along the way, I have learned countless lessons about dating, relationships, and marriage that I want to pass on to you. 

This devotional guides you through some essential conversations you can begin to have with your significant other before you tie the knot, including ones you’ve been avoiding, and some you probably didn’t even know you should have. Whether you are considering marriage for the first time or thinking through the realities of remarriage, I want to help you ask the hard questions of each other. 

Lord, we need Your help as we process next steps together as a couple. Please grant us the wisdom to discern how You are leading us as a couple. Help us to be honest, open, teachable, and pure as we prepare for whatever You have planned for us in our relationship. 

from Ready Or Knot? by Scott Kedersha