Category: Dating

‘“You parents—if your children ask for a loaf of bread, do you give them a stone instead? Or if they ask for a fish, do you give them a snake? Of course not! So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask him.’ Matthew 7:9-11(NLT)

We’re often encouraged to be grateful for what we have, but don’t forget to be thankful for what you don’t have, too. Thank God for the “nothing” (lacking a significant other) that is a blessing in disguise. Someday you’ll see God’s grace in it all.

In the meantime, remember that God’s eager to give you good gifts, too (see Matt. 7:9-11)

It’s true that many of us are not where we’d hoped to be in terms of marriage. We’re feeling cheated and left behind. Our own mistakes and missteps aside, the generations of cultural sin before us have plopped us in a relational landscape that is confused, fickle and increasingly fragmented.

The fact that anyone still gets married is a miracle. Similar to terms “God” and “faith,” a common understanding of the word “marriage” can no longer be assumed.

We have to cling to what we know from God’s Word. We have to choose to uphold marriage even before our own is established. We must fight for purity, fidelity, and the courage to love others boldly.

This must be done even as we wait.

I never wanted to be the poster child for singleness. I certainly never asked for it. But with thousands of single young adults who look to me as an example for weathering—no, conquering—an extended season of singleness with grace and dignity, it’s where I am.

I called my mom a couple of weekends ago, and she asked what I was up to. “Well, I just finished an hour-long radio interview.”

“On what topic?”

“Singleness.”

“Oh, for Pete’s sake! Are you still on that topic? You need to find some lonely man to marry you so you can move on.”

Haha. I’d love to, Mom. And I pray to that end. And you know what? As long as I’m alive, there’s still hope of it happening. But thank God I’ve learned that I’m OK right where I am, too. I’m not “less” because I’m single. I’m not incomplete. I’m not forgotten, judged or living under a death sentence. I’m a redeemed and chosen child of God, and he’s got good—no, great—things planned for me if I choose to maximize the season I’m in regardless of what the future holds.

So that’s what I’ll do.

from The Dating Manifesto

‘Josiah was eight years old when he became king, and he reigned in Jerusalem thirty-one years. He did what was pleasing in the Lord ’s sight and followed the example of his ancestor David. He did not turn away from doing what was right. During the eighth year of his reign, while he was still young, Josiah began to seek the God of his ancestor David. Then in the twelfth year he began to purify Judah and Jerusalem, destroying all the pagan shrines, the Asherah poles, and the carved idols and cast images. He ordered that the altars of Baal be demolished and that the incense altars which stood above them be broken down. He also made sure that the Asherah poles, the carved idols, and the cast images were smashed and scattered over the graves of those who had sacrificed to them. He burned the bones of the pagan priests on their own altars, and so he purified Judah and Jerusalem. He did the same thing in the towns of Manasseh, Ephraim, and Simeon, even as far as Naphtali, and in the regions all around them. He destroyed the pagan altars and the Asherah poles, and he crushed the idols into dust. He cut down all the incense altars throughout the land of Israel. Finally, he returned to Jerusalem.’ 2 Chronicles 34:1-7(NLT)

‘So I say to those who aren’t married and to widows—it’s better to stay unmarried, just as I am. But if they can’t control themselves, they should go ahead and marry. It’s better to marry than to burn with lust.’ 1 Corinthians 7:8-9(NLT)

Your single season is a great time to serve. There’s a reason Paul said that unmarried men and women can without distraction be focused on how to “please the Lord.” We have time, attention and energy to give. And there are many great places to invest.

Start by taking a spiritual gifts test if you haven’t already. Figure out what you’re great at. Then decide what specifically you’re passionate about. As Bill Hybels says, what’s your ‘holy discontent,’ that thing that gets you riled up, that makes you want to be part of a solution, change or renewal?

Find out what’s going on in your church or community along these lines. If it doesn’t exist, create it. Or, you may feel compelled to fill a hole that already exists. Maybe it’s a ministry you’ve never tried or even considered before; check it out. Churches always have critical needs that must be filled. This may be your time to fill one of them. I’ve done my share of snack and coffee service; I’ve filled communion cups; I’ve helped hang drywall. Am I amazing at these things? No. But I can take direction. And when a need is there, I occasionally see it as my turn to step in.

This is also a great time to do mission trips, work projects and longer-term volunteering. Young adults are often criticized for being lazy, entitled and unwilling to commit to anything. Here’s a chance to prove folks wrong. Set an example a la 1 Timothy 4:12, showing that you’re a self-starter who is willing to dig in, get things done, and lead change. You’ll turn some heads for sure. After rehearsing all the great things about singleness, my final point is going to sound weird. But here it is: Your single years are a great time to start investing in marriage, both the marriages around you, and your own future marriage.

Soak in everything you can right now. Read marriage books. Go to marriage conferences. Interview married couples. Find out what this marriage thing is all about. Singles who see marriage in their future should be passionate about marriage. We should be students of it. The first few years of marriage are an adjustment—sometimes an especially tough one. Know what to expect so you can meet it all head-on. Then you can truly enjoy the process.

from The Dating Manifesto

‘The man who finds a wife finds a treasure, and he receives favor from the Lord .’ Proverbs 18:22(NLT)

Embrace your role in dating and relationships. Basically, this means that men, you need to be prepared to initiate, and women, you should be prepared to respond. Does this mean that if girls ask guys out on dates that they’re doomed? No. But I’ll certainly say it’s not ideal. Here’s why.

I know married women who like to gripe about their husbands’ lack of leadership or initiative. It can be something small like his inability to pick a movie or pizza toppings, or something big like his refusal to discipline their children or go to church. When I ask these women when these patterns started, most of them can easily trace them back to their dating days.

Because ladies, the patterns you establish in dating will carry over into marriage. If you want to marry a leader, date a leader.

So, guys, step up. Get ready to boldly ask women out. It’ll be scary. It may be awkward. You’ll need practice and perhaps a few pointers. But you’ll be doing the right thing.

When I say “be bold,” I’m also saying to take the lion’s share of the risk. That’s your role, too. You’re going to state your intentions (“I’d like to date you”) and provide a safe space for the girl to accept or reject you. In other words, you’re going to lay your cards flatly on the table while she holders hers tight to her chest. You’ll let her respond, and you’ll receive her response graciously. If she rejects you, you won’t badger her or shame her. You’ll say “thank you.”

Carolyn McCulley said something a while back that made this whole issue crystal clear to me. She said, “Men trust God by risking rejection; women trust God by waiting.”

So what does the right way actually look like? For men, it’s a correct application of Proverbs 18:22 which states, “He who finds a wife finds what is good, and obtains favor from the Lord.” Notice the word “finds”? That’s an active verb. It implies action and intention, getting out there and searching and pursuing.

Women, treat men with kindness, not to the exclusion of others, but there’s nothing wrong with showing a little special interest. I love what I heard a while back, “Ladies, let the men be the hunters, but don’t be afraid to snap some twigs.”

from The Dating Manifesto

‘Don’t let anyone think less of you because you are young. Be an example to all believers in what you say, in the way you live, in your love, your faith, and your purity. ‘ 1 Timothy 4:12(NLT)

‘Work willingly at whatever you do, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people. ‘ Colossians 3:23(NLT)

Responsibility:
This is where you start mastering life skills and learning what it’s like to be in the real world. It’s everything from getting and keeping a job to managing your money, learning how to keep a household running, making responsible decisions and taking care of the things and people entrusted to you.

It’s also learning how to budget your time and talents. It’s knowing when to work and when to play. It’s knowing that work is good and should be done to the glory of God. It’s knowing that play is also good, and is to be used for refreshment and renewal, not escapism or idleness.

There’s value in accepting challenges, taking risks and doing hard things. Push yourself, and allow others to push you, too. Sometimes the easy road is the right road, but sometimes it’s just easy. Know the difference.

Leading:
You may be young. You may be on the bottom rung at work. You may not have a job at all. It doesn’t matter. You’re still a leader.

First, you’re in charge of yourself. That’s a start.

But there’s more. You are needed. Everyone (certainly every Christian) is called to serve where we are, and lead if given the opportunity. It may be in a role with a big title, it may be in a small but pivotal moment where character is needed. In both circumstances, you’re on display. What will you do?

I know for myself, it seems my number-one goal on most days is to make my life more comfortable. I have no problem looking out for me. But those who get beyond themselves reap big benefits. They have the chance to make a difference. They have the chance to be world-changers.

Don’t be afraid to be an example, regardless of your age. Remember the words of Paul to Timothy: “Let no one despise you for your youth, but set the believers an example in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, in purity.” (1 Tim 4:12).

Finally, remember that active leadership now prepares you for leadership of a family in the future. You’re in training; get as much experience under your belt as you can.

from The Dating Manifesto