Category: 2nd Marriage

‘My lover has gone down to his garden, to his spice beds, to browse in the gardens and gather the lilies. I am my lover’s, and my lover is mine. He browses among the lilies.’ Song of Songs 6:2-3(NLT)

Emotional connection creates good sex, and good sex creates a greater emotional connection.

Sex is the ultimate body language through which we communicate our desire for our partner, our desire for:

• closeness 
• comfort 
• love
• protection
• wanting to have a child together

Our sexual relationship:

• restores our emotional wellbeing, which helps us cope with the pressures of life
• expresses and deepens the ‘one flesh’ bond

Five secrets for keeping the spark alive (S.P.A.R.K.)

1. Speaking

Difficult at first because our sexuality is deeply private and requires vulnerability.

Tell each other what you enjoy — don’t leave it to guesswork.

Don’t regard any issues in your sexual relationship as ‘your’ issue or ‘my’ issue, but ‘our’ issue.

2. Prioritising

Guard the physical space for your lovemaking:

• leave screens outside the bedroom
• invest in an alarm clock if necessary

Be creative:

• vary the atmosphere — soft lighting can help
• vary how you make love
• vary who takes the initiative
• approach variety with sensitivity at a mutually agreeable pace
• our attitude should be to seek to give pleasure to our partner and not just take it for ourselves

Sex isn’t just the icing on the cake of a marriage — it’s an important ingredient of the cake itself.

3. Anticipating

Our most potent and important sexual asset is our mind.

Having your own private language and private signals around sex spark thoughts that create anticipation and build desire (the best sex starts at breakfast!).

Mutually agreed periods of sexual abstinence can enhance a couple’s sexual relationship.

Romance creates the setting for lovemaking.

Be sure sexual thoughts and desires are directed towards your partner.

Romance is the bridge between the everyday world of practicality and the private place of our sexual relationship.

4. Responding

Sex often starts as a decision and then arousal follows.

Giving ourselves sexually requires a climate of trust.

Responding sexually can give our partner a sense of confidence and wellbeing. 

5. Kindness

Sex is about giving — showing support in practical ways and taking time to tune in to each other’s emotional needs.

Men and women are wired differently when it comes to sexual arousal.

Be ‘OTHER-oriented’ rather than ‘SELF-oriented’.

Our kind words will build confidence in our partner.

• never criticise your partner’s natural shape
• keep telling each other what you love about their body

There is a very strong link between building each other’s self-esteem and building an intimate sexual relationship. 

from The Marriage Course

‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ Genesis 2:24(NLT)

‘“Honor your father and mother. Then you will live a long, full life in the land the Lord your God is giving you.’ Exodus 20:12(NLT)

‘Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone.’ Romans 12:18(NLT)

Family background has a big influence on a marriage

• for some people, the support they receive from their family is good and helpful in building a strong marriage
• for others, their wider family dynamics are more complicated and can even be damaging 

Leaving and letting go

When we get married, a profound change should take place in our relationship with our parent or parents (or whoever were our main caregivers as we grew up)

• the change from being a child and completely dependent upon them to a healthy independence as an adult
• the significance of leaving is not so much the physical move as the psychological and emotional one
• we create a new ‘centre of gravity’ — our highest loyalty must be to each other

Support each other. 

If necessary, put boundaries in place, not to cut yourselves off from your parents but to connect with them as a couple in a new way.

Listen to parental advice, but make your own decisions together as a couple.

Building healthy family relationships

1. Resolve any conflict

Use the same process as in Day 4 to unblock the drain:

• identify and talk about the main issue causing tension
• apologise when you have been wrong
• choose to forgive and move on

2. Consider their needs

It can be helpful to take the initiative with parents about things like:

• visiting them
• enabling them to see their grandchildren
• working out what holidays you might spend together
• phoning them

Looking at our past

We bring a mixture of experiences into our marriage from our family background:

• what was good (be grateful for that)
• what was different to our partner’s experience (be aware that this can cause conflict)
• what was negative (and may be painful)

Healing childhood pain

1. Grieve your own and your partner’s unmet needs

You may encounter strong feelings as you do this, but recognizing and admitting to yourself the hurt you’ve experienced can be a huge step forward. Allow your partner to talk about what they suffered or missed out on and give them the gift of your emotional support.

2. Forgive

Give up continuing expectations and longings of what you have wanted your parents or others to be for you. Remember, forgiveness is an ongoing act of the will and is essential for healing.

Forgiving someone is not condoning their actions or giving them the right to repeat what they’ve done. Forgiveness is about being set free from the ways they’ve hurt you. 

from The Marriage Course

‘And “don’t sin by letting anger control you.” Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry, ‘ Ephesians 4:26(NLT)

‘“So if you are presenting a sacrifice at the altar in the Temple and you suddenly remember that someone has something against you, leave your sacrifice there at the altar. Go and be reconciled to that person. Then come and offer your sacrifice to God.’ Matthew 5:23-24(NLT)

‘“If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back. ‘ Matthew 18:15(NLT)

‘Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.’ Ephesians 4:31-32(NLT)

Saying sorry and forgiving each other are vital because we will all hurt our partner.

Unresolved hurt will undermine the trust and openness between us and destroy our intimacy.

Reactions to hurt

Anger

Anger is not bad in itself — it has a God-given purpose and is part of our internal mechanism to signal something is wrong and needs to be sorted out.

What happens if hurt and anger are buried?

Behavioural symptoms

• inability to relax
• low sexual desire
• quick temper / intolerance
• escape through drugs, alcohol, pornography, etc
• escape into work / children / religious activities, etc

Physical symptoms

• disturbed sleep
• appetite affected
• medical conditions eg: ulcers, high blood pressure, pain

Emotional symptoms

• loss of positive emotions such as romance, love, joy
• low self-esteem / depression
• shut down
• fear of confrontation

Process for healing hurt

1. Talk about the hurt

Whether you have hurt your partner or have been hurt by them, take the initiative to bring it out into the open so things can be healed. An accumulation of small hurts, if left unaddressed, can lead to a loss of intimacy, just as small stones can eventually block a drain.

2. Say sorry

Take responsibility — resist the urge to make excuses or to blame your partner.

Making excuses / blaming our partner: ‘I know I criticised you in front of the children yesterday, but I wouldn’t have done so if you hadn’t made us late.’

Proper apology: ‘I hurt you by criticising you in front of the children yesterday; it was unkind of me. I’m sorry.’

Confessing our faults to God and receiving his forgiveness helps us to see how our actions have hurt our partner.

3. Forgive

Forgiveness is essential and one of the greatest forces for healing in a marriage.

Forgiveness is, first and foremost, a choice, not a feeling:

• forgiveness always costs us something
• the question is not, ‘Do we feel like forgiving?’ but, ‘Will we forgive? Will we let go of our self-pity / demand for justice / desire to retaliate?’

Forgiveness IS NOT:

• pretending that the hurt doesn’t matter and trying to forget about it
• denying the hurt (and just hoping it will go away)
• thinking, ‘Our love for each other will somehow magically resolve any ways we hurt each other so it doesn’t matter’

Forgiveness IS:

• facing the wrong done to us
• recognizing the emotions inside
• choosing not to hold it against our partner

Forgiveness is a process — we often need to keep forgiving for the same hurt, sometimes on a daily basis.

from The Marriage Course

‘Therefore, accept each other just as Christ has accepted you so that God will be given glory. ‘ Romans 15:7(NLT)

‘or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. ‘ 1 Corinthians 13:5(NLT)

Conflict is inevitable in every marriage — all couples will disagree about certain things.

We come into marriage with different backgrounds, desires, priorities and personalities

• It’s no good trying to force our partner to do things our way
• If we have the right tools, addressing the conflict can strengthen our relationship
• In marriage, we are on the same side, the same team

Four principles for handling conflict

1. Remember your partner’s positive qualities

Continue to show appreciation for what you love (and admire) about your partner (even while you may disagree passionately about various issues). The more we concentrate on the things we appreciate about each other, the more appreciative we become of each other. 

Make it a daily habit to show your appreciation of your partner.

2. Recognise that differences are good

Don’t try to change each other. Learn to accept differences of temperament, personality, upbringing and values.

See your marriage as a partnership in which you combine your strengths and support each other’s weaknesses.

3. Look for an ‘us’ solution

Five practical steps:

1. Focus on the issue

• move the issue from between you and put it in front of you
• discuss the issue rather than attacking each other

2. Use ‘I’ statements

• avoid labelling (‘You always…’, ‘You never…’)
• describe your feelings (‘I feel undervalued when…’)

3. Listen to each other

• take it in turns to talk (the speaker holds something to indicate whose turn it is)

4. Brainstorm possible solutions

• make a list if necessary

5. Decide on the best solution for now and review later

• if it’s not working, try another solution from your list

Take an issue that’s causing conflict and try using these five steps.

4. Support your partner

When we expect our partner to meet all our needs, we inevitably fail each other and get hurt, causing our marriage to spiral downwards. 

Focus more on meeting your partner’s needs rather than expecting them to meet yours. 

When we look to God to meet our needs for unconditional love, we are able to focus more easily on each other’s needs.

Praying for each other helps us connect on a regular basis

• five to ten minutes a day is generally better than one hour every month
• ask each other, ‘What can I pray for you today?’
• draw on God’s promises from the Bible and start with thankfulness
• the closer each of us is individually in our relationship with God, the closer we will be to each other as husband and wife
• if one of you has upset the other, say sorry and forgive each other before praying

Ask your partner, ‘What can I pray for you today?’

from The Marriage Course

‘Spouting off before listening to the facts is both shameful and foolish.’ Proverbs 18:13(NLT)

We all have a deep longing for emotional connection; it is a fundamental human need. Emotional connection in marriage will only be achieved where there is good communication.

Effective communication

Different levels of communication:

• Level 1: Passing on information
• Level 2: Sharing our ideas and opinions
• Level 3: Being open about our feelings and needs

Level 3 takes vulnerability and requires trust and involves both speaking and listening well.

Good communication is multilayered; it involves:

• our words
• our tone of voice
• our body language

The importance of listening

Our aim in marriage should be to listen twice as much as we talk.

Good listening is one of the most important skills to learn for a strong marriage. Listening has great power to make our husband or wife feel loved and valued.

Hindrances to listening

Five bad listening habits

1. Disengaging

When we have a separate conversation going on in our head or we’re not listening properly because of our physical environment.



2. Reassuring

Not allowing our partner to voice negative emotions.

3. Giving advice

Focusing on solutions rather than empathising with our partner.

4. Going off on a tangent

Taking over the conversation with our own agenda.

5. Interrupting

Failing to let our partner finish what they want to say.

These habits can prevent the speaker from saying what they’re feeling, which may eventually cause them to shut down.

We can all learn the art of effective listening, but it takes time and requires us to be intentional.

Five steps for reflective listening

1. Try to put yourself in your partner’s shoes

Put your own views to one side and really appreciate what it’s like for your partner to be feeling the way that they do.

2. Acknowledge what they’ve said

When you have listened to what your partner wants to say, reflect back what they have said rather than putting your own opinion or point of view.

3. Find out what is most important

Then ask your husband or wife: ‘What is the most important part of what you have been saying?’

4. Help them work out what they might do

Now ask: ‘Is there anything you would like to do (or, if appropriate, like me or us to do) about what you have said?’

5. Ask if your partner has said all they need to

Don’t assume you already know everything your partner wants to say. If there is more, reflect this back, too. 

from The Marriage Course

‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ Genesis 2:24(NLT)

Marriage is designed to be the closest possible relationship of increasing intimacy and growing interdependence. But this is not automatic; we have to keep working at our marriage if we’re to stay closely connected. 

Tending a vineyard

Four analogies for tending a marriage:

1. Adjusting

The early years of marriage require a lot of adjustment. 

We can change ourselves; we can’t change our partner.

2. Pruning

As life gets busier, a key skill in marriage is prioritizing our relationship (pruning back certain areas of our lives in order to prioritize another). 

We will only survive as a couple if we learn to prioritize our marriage relationship over every other demand on our time. 

3. Supporting

Marriages need a support network (eg, friends, family, older married couples we learn from).

We may face challenges from illness, infertility, finances, empty nest, elderly parent(s).

Supporting and encouraging our partner is essential.

When we support each other, the very challenges we face can draw us closer together. 

4. Renewing



Being prepared to talk about our own individual needs and desires.

Sharing with our partner our hopes for our future together.



Slowing down for long enough to decide on changes we’d like to make.

Considering if we should stop certain activities in order to have more time together.

Starting something new that will strengthen or restore or renew the connection between us. 

If you’re struggling in your marriage, we want to encourage you that reconnecting is possible. When couples tend their relationship, things can change dramatically and they can go on to experience a new connection and intimacy. 

Make time for each other

Making time for the people that matter most in our lives doesn’t just happen; it requires a conscious decision. If a relationship is to thrive and keep growing, we must have regular quality time together.

Plan a ‘date’ with your partner once a week – spend one to two hours alone together to rekindle romance, have fun and talk together about your feelings (your hopes, fears, worries, excitements).

Nurture each other

Nurturing involves seeking to meet each other’s emotional needs for affection, encouragement, support, comfort, etc.

It’s as though there’s an empty space inside each of us that needs to be filled up with another person’s love and attention

• when we’re known intimately, when we’re loved by another, we are no longer alone; the space inside is filled up

The way to keep filling this space inside is by recognizing and meeting each other’s emotional needs.

from The Marriage Course