Category: 2nd Marriage

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Thankful Spirit

‘Obscene stories, foolish talk, and coarse jokes—these are not for you. Instead, let there be thankfulness to God. ‘ Ephesians 5:4(NLT)

‘Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.’ 1 Thessalonians 5:18(NLT)

‘And whatever you do or say, do it as a representative of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through him to God the Father.’ Colossians 3:17(NLT)

‘Praise the Lord ! Give thanks to the Lord , for he is good! His faithful love endures forever.’ Psalms 106:1(NLT)

I had fully intended on clearing the sink of dishes, but after washing the two big pans I got distracted. Later that evening, lying in bed, my wife turned to me and said, “About the dishes …”

Uh oh, I thought. I completely forgot to finish them! My mind immediately began to race. What had I been doing? Why had I gotten distracted? I needed to come up with an excuse—fast.

I had just begun to form my defense when she said, “Thank you for scrubbing the big ones. They’re heavy, and I really appreciated you taking care of them.”

My mouth opened, but no words came out.

In marriage, a spirit of thanksgiving can make a huge difference. What you focus on most is what you’ll notice most. 

If you give thanks for your spouse’s efforts at provision, then you begin to notice efforts at provision that you once overlooked. If you give thanks for your spouse’s efforts at cleaning, you begin to notice examples that you never saw before. 

Focusing on the negative can have the opposite effect. The more we complain, the more evidence we find to justify our complaints. This breeds disappointment and bitterness and often spills out in the form of crude jokes, curses, insults, and sarcasm. 

Unfortunately, it is not always easy to focus on the positive.

My wife and I have different ways of viewing time. To me, 15 minutes early is on time. To her, two or three minutes late is no big deal. This has caused much friction in our marriage over the years. 

One day, as I was sitting in my car fuming because she wasn’t ready, I realized I should shift my focus. I began praying for my wife and thanking God for making her the perfect companion for me. As I did, I began to realize why she is usually late. God gifted her with a deep desire to take care of the needs of others. While I was sitting in my car judging her, she was preparing a bag with snacks she thought I might appreciate later that afternoon. 

On my own, I would have never realized this. But by tapping into God’s mysterious power, I was able to appreciate her thoughtfulness. 

Next time you find yourself wanting to complain about your spouse, try thanking God for your spouse instead. You may be surprised by what you notice next.

Pray: Lord, I confess that I am often faster to complain than I am to thank. Help me to appreciate my spouse as Your perfect gift to me. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

from Profound Mystery: Marriage Lessons from Ephesians

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Sexual Purity

‘Let there be no sexual immorality, impurity, or greed among you. Such sins have no place among God’s people. ‘ Ephesians 5:3(NLT)

‘But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart. ‘ Matthew 5:28(NLT)

‘Think about the things of heaven, not the things of earth. For you died to this life, and your real life is hidden with Christ in God. And when Christ, who is your life, is revealed to the whole world, you will share in all his glory. So put to death the sinful, earthly things lurking within you. Have nothing to do with sexual immorality, impurity, lust, and evil desires. Don’t be greedy, for a greedy person is an idolater, worshiping the things of this world. ‘ Colossians 3:2-5(NLT)

My surgery was relatively minor. But I was surprised by the number of medical personnel in the room and the complexity of the equipment. 

There are many factors which determine if surgery will be successful or not. It takes careful planning, execution, a sterile environment, and good follow-up care. Yet even with the most diligent and skilled teams at work, post-operative complications can occur. One of the most dangerous is an infection.

When the doctors were done, they explained how a single wayward bacteria could take root and wreak havoc. They explained how my bandages would protect me if I kept them clean. They didn’t want a hint of bacteria anywhere near my wound.

The apostle Paul may not have known about bacteria, but he understood how easy it is for sexual sin to take root in our lives. He warned against even a whisper of sexual immorality. This goes far beyond the idea of simply not committing adultery. It actually starts with guarding our minds. 

Many Christians are much more careful about what they do than about what they think. Some bring a pornography habit into their marriages, wrongly believing that thoughts can be compartmentalized—that they can look at pornography without any effect on their minds or relationships. Others don’t think twice about watching sexually-charged reality television shows or movies. Yet each image, each storyline, is like rubbing bacteria into an open wound.

We don’t need to have a physical affair to cheat on our spouse. Jesus said, “… everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matthew 5:28).

As our culture has become more sexually permissive, maintaining one’s purity has become more difficult. I have learned there are certain mainstream shows I cannot allow myself to watch and certain channels I cannot allow myself to have on my cable lineup. A single image or scene can easily affect my mind if I’m not careful.

With all the sexually charged images around us, it can be tempting to lower our standards, but the stakes are too high to ignore. 

Sexual impurity interferes with marital intimacy. It wastes your time teaching you what the person on the screen finds pleasurable, instead of encouraging you to spend that time and energy getting to know your spouse better. Before you know it, you wind up wanting the fantasy more than your reality. 

Like the doctors protecting their patient from a life-threatening infection, we must put in place as many barriers as it takes to ensure our marriages stay pure.

Pray: Lord, I want my marriage to be as pure as it can be. I confess that I have not always protected it from invasive sexual images and thoughts. Help me to safeguard the purity of our marriage so that it can be glorifying to You. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

from Profound Mystery: Marriage Lessons from Ephesians

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Imitators of God

‘Imitate God, therefore, in everything you do, because you are his dear children. Live a life filled with love, following the example of Christ. He loved us and offered himself as a sacrifice for us, a pleasing aroma to God.’ Ephesians 5:1-2(NLT)

When my son was younger, he loved to follow me around and mimic my every move. He was especially interested in the way I romanced his mother. He listened to me tell stories about how we met, watched as we interacted, and whenever I hugged her, he was right there trying to wiggle in between us.

I didn’t realize how closely he had been paying attention until one spring afternoon when my then 5-year-old boy walked into the kitchen with his hands hiding behind his back. He marched up to his mother, dropped to one knee, presented a big red tulip he had just cut from our garden, and asked her to marry him.

It was adorable. I knew right then that he’d make some girl very happy one day.

When Paul told the Ephesian church to be imitators of God as beloved children, this is the picture that comes to my mind. One of a son, eyes fixed on his father, learning and watching his every move.

My son took time to follow and study me. He stayed close. He learned how I operated, and when the time was right, he stepped out and followed my example. 

To be an imitator of God, we need to do the same. We need to study His Word. We need to stay close to Him through prayer. When we do, we learn how He operates. Then we can step out in faith and try to follow His example. 

Everything Christ did was driven by His love for the Father and His love for us. His love was pure and sacrificial. And like the tulip in my son’s hands, it gave off a lovely fragrance. The closer we get to Jesus, the easier it will be for His ways to rub off on us.

If someone were to look at your marriage, would they be able to see Christ’s influence? Could the fragrance of your marriage be described as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God, or would the description be less pleasant?

This study is a good start. Read Ephesians 1-2 with your spouse, and take turns describing the fragrance of your marriage. How are you currently imitating God in your marriage? In what ways could you improve? 

When you are finished discussing this, take a moment and pray together.

Pray: 

Heavenly Father, we want our home to be filled with the fragrance of Your love. Draw us closer to Your side, and fill us with Your Holy Spirit. Show me how I can give more of myself to my spouse. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

from Profound Mystery: Marriage Lessons from Ephesians

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Forgive Each Other

‘Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.’ Ephesians 4:32(NLT)

‘But when you are praying, first forgive anyone you are holding a grudge against, so that your Father in heaven will forgive your sins, too.”’ Mark 11:25(NLT)

‘But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins.’ Matthew 6:15(NLT)

The first fight I can remember with my wife was over a misplaced pair of tickets to a New York Mets baseball game. I’m generally the more forgetful member of the family, so it shouldn’t have come as a shock to me that my wife would accuse me of misplacing them. But this time I wasn’t having it. I felt disrespected, and my normally easygoing manner went into hiding along with the tickets.

“What? Is your memory perfect?” I said. “How do you know that you didn’t lose them? Why do you assume that this is my fault?” 

Before long, the fun afternoon we had planned began to unravel. 

Marriage can be wonderful, but when two flawed individuals commit to a lifetime together, it will get messy. How we respond to those moments will make all the difference.

In Ephesians, Paul was speaking to a group of people who had come to realize that their best efforts to please God were not good enough. They understood their sinfulness had earned them a ticket to hell, but God loved them enough to send Jesus to absorb the penalty for that sin. When they accepted Jesus’ sacrifice on their behalf and allowed Him to be in charge of their lives, they were forgiven. He wanted them to remember what God had done for them, because forgiven people forgive people.

If we can understand the depths of forgiveness that God has offered us, and accept that gift, then it becomes much easier to forgive others and live with tenderheartedness.

After a frantic search around the house, we eventually found the tickets. As it turned out, I was the one who had misplaced them! At that point, my wife had a choice. She could let our fight ruin the afternoon, or she could remember the forgiveness that Christ had given her and offer that same forgiveness to me. She chose the latter.

How she was able to just let it go was a mystery to me, but she did. I don’t remember who won the game that day, but I do remember this: On that day, we both won.

Pray:

Jesus, thank You for Your forgiveness. I know I don’t deserve it. Please help me to see my spouse through the lens of Your sacrifice and be kind, forgiving, and tenderhearted. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

from Profound Mystery: Marriage Lessons from Ephesians

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Be Kind

‘Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.’ Ephesians 4:32(NLT)

‘Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. ‘ Colossians 3:12(NLT)

‘Therefore, whenever we have the opportunity, we should do good to everyone—especially to those in the family of faith.’ Galatians 6:10(NLT)

‘When she speaks, her words are wise, and she gives instructions with kindness.’ Proverbs 31:26(NLT)

We had been planning the day for over a year, but nothing could have prepared me for the moment I heard the sound of trumpeters echoing through the old marble-lined church. The time had come. There would be no more planning.

After what felt like an eternity, the church doors opened, and my love began to walk slowly down the aisle, eyes locked on mine. 

“I Do.” No two words have ever held so much hope and promise. 

When we married, we imagined the kind of life described in Ephesians 4:32. A life filled with kindness and tenderness. While that has been true for the most part, some days have been far more tender than others.

Our good intentions and willpower can only take us so far. Eventually, as life’s stressors pile on and the newness of marriage wears off, our natural selfishness begins to emerge. Slowly we begin to realize the person we married isn’t as perfect as we once thought, and neither are we.

So how can kindness and tenderness be sustained when the time is short, and the stress is high?

Based on our own strength, it is impossible. Yet somehow, God offers us the power to do that which we could never do on our own. Through Christ, we can learn to see our spouse differently. Flaws which once garnered wrath can fuel compassion. A marriage which once was only about us and our happiness can be used to impact thousands. 

It is a profound mystery, but through Christ, the impossible can become possible. 

Over the next 15 days, we will study each verse in the fifth chapter of Ephesians to see how it applies to marriage. As we do, I encourage you to look first at what the Scriptures say about you and your relationship with God. After you have spent some time with God in prayer, discuss what He has revealed to you with your spouse.

As your relationship with God deepens, His tenderheartedness will become more evident. 

Pray: 

Dear God, when we first married, it was easy to imagine a life filled with tenderness. I confess that I have not lived up to my own expectations. My words and deeds have, at times, been selfish and unkind. Please forgive me. Show me through this series how to replace my flawed version of love with Yours. Help me to embrace the mystery of all that our marriage can be. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

from Profound Mystery: Marriage Lessons from Ephesians

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Work Hard

‘Whatever you do, do well. For when you go to the grave, there will be no work or planning or knowledge or wisdom.’ Ecclesiastes 9:10(NLT)

‘Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love. Make every effort to keep yourselves united in the Spirit, binding yourselves together with peace. ‘ Ephesians 4:2-3(NLT)

‘Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. Prophecy and speaking in unknown languages and special knowledge will become useless. But love will last forever! ‘ 1 Corinthians 13:4-8(NLT)

Nowadays the words “work hard” or “hard work” put together scares us. We want to run away from anything that requires a little bit of effort, consistency or hard work. 

Why is that? Because we are living in a world where everything is momentary, disposable, and fast-fading. We are convinced that if something does not bring us instant joy, it is not worth it. Yet, the Bible teaches us the opposite. It teaches us to endure hardships, to work hard, to have faith and courage, to fight for what is right and what we believe in. God and His word lasts forever. They are not temporary or something that is good for now but in a few years will mean nothing. They do not change. They do not become obsolete or go out of fashion.

Hard work in a relationship adds value. Marriage was never supposed to be easy. Nothing in life worth having comes easily. Theodore Roosevelt said this about it: “Nothing in the world is worth having or worth doing unless it means effort, pain, [and] difficulty. . . I have never in my life envied a human being who led an easy life. I have envied a great many people who led difficult lives and led them well.” 

If something requires effort and hard work, it adds value to it. The more value it has for us, the more we will want to protect it. 

The Bible instructs us to be patient, to forgive, to protect and to trust those we love. We are not to be angry or selfish, but to be kind. All of this requires some effort from us. It is not the easiest thing in the world to be loving, forgiving and patient. It’s hard work. However, when we see what we reap from sowing good things in our marriage, we are going to be more than willing to put up with all of the hard work and just do it.

Thought of the Day

Work hard in forgiving your spouse. Work hard in finding new ways to enjoy your life together. Work hard in breaking predictable patterns and having fun. Work hard in finding time every day to pray together and in encouraging each other. 

You will find that it is all worth it.

from [#Life] Marriage

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Encourage Each Other

‘Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony. ‘ Colossians 3:12-14(NLT)

‘So encourage each other and build each other up, just as you are already doing.’ 1 Thessalonians 5:11(NLT)

‘Live in harmony with each other. Don’t be too proud to enjoy the company of ordinary people. And don’t think you know it all!’ Romans 12:16(NLT)

‘Her husband can trust her, and she will greatly enrich his life. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.’ Proverbs 31:11-12(NLT)

When we encourage someone, we are giving them support, confidence and hope. Constant lack of encouragement leads to people feeling discouraged and defeated. Add to that equation the constant complaints and critiques that come with unhealthy marriages, and you have a recipe for disaster. 

Have you ever tried to encourage your spouse instead of complaining about them?  When you feel like you have to tell them what they are doing wrong or what they need to change, stop, take a deep breath, and say something good and encouraging to them. Say something that will break a predictable pattern of behavior from you. 

It might be difficult at first. And if it is, pray about it and ask God to help you. 

Practice it. The more you practice something, the better you become at it. 

Be intentional. Try to start with a three to one ratio on compliments and encouraging words, versus critiques or complaints. Then grow it to a five to one ratio. You will see that, with time, it will become easier for you to compliment your spouse rather than to complain about them and it will do wonders for your marriage. 

Start small. Say things like: “Honey, you look beautiful today,” or “Darling, I love the way you smell when you come out of the shower,” or “Thank you for helping me with the dishes last night even though I know you were tired.” 

Do not follow any of those nice words with a complaint. Your spouse may not do the dishes the way you like them, but for once be thankful that they helped you with them. Whatever compliment you give your spouse, mean it and do not just say it to say it.

Even when you do not feel like saying something nice, convince yourself, and say it from your heart.

There is not one person who goes to a marriage counselor and says they are tired of hearing their spouses complimenting them, encouraging them, or saying good things about them. It does not happen because words of encouragement build us up, they bring us joy and happiness and they fill our hearts with happy feelings. 

I love the old country and western song by Alabama, called “Close Enough to Perfect.” 

It says: “Sometimes her morning coffee’s way too strong,

And sometimes what she says she says all wrong,

But right or wrong, she’s there beside me

Like only a friend would be

And that’s close enough to perfect for me.”

Can you imagine how different life would be if we were to apply that little sentence to things in life? “It is close enough to perfect.” 

It would probably do a lot in our parenting with our kids, do a lot in our business with our employees or employer, and do a lot in our marriages. 

It is close enough to perfect that we would speak compliments and words of encouragement instead of complaints.

Thought of the Day

Every time you feel the need to complain about something to your spouse, forgive their mistakes and try to speak compliments instead. It will change your marriage. It will change your life. 

from [#Life] Marriage

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Pray Together

‘In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God’s gift of new life. Treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered.’ 1 Peter 3:7(NLT)

‘Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.’ 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18(NLT)

‘“When you pray, don’t be like the hypocrites who love to pray publicly on street corners and in the synagogues where everyone can see them. I tell you the truth, that is all the reward they will ever get. But when you pray, go away by yourself, shut the door behind you, and pray to your Father in private. Then your Father, who sees everything, will reward you. “When you pray, don’t babble on and on as the Gentiles do. They think their prayers are answered merely by repeating their words again and again. Don’t be like them, for your Father knows exactly what you need even before you ask him! ‘ Matthew 6:5-8(NLT)

Studies and polls reveal that, nowadays, divorce rates inside the church and outside of it are practically the same. It means, apparently, it makes no difference if you are a Christian or not, the vows taken might be considered as negotiable as the divorce rates look the same. 

However, there is a huge gap between couples who pray together and those who do not pray together. Praying together does not mean sitting in church together with your heads bowed in silence while the pastor is praying as you hold hands with your spouse. It does not mean to pray for your spouse when you are in the shower, driving somewhere, or doing the dishes. 

It is not praying for your spouse. It is praying with your spouse.

It means to pray out loud, together. It does not have to be some grandiloquent prayer with words taken straight from a theology book. 

Just pray. Talk to God about your spouse, thank God for them, ask Him for forgiveness or for guidance. Tell God about your plans for the day and pray for your marriage and for your family together. Pray for everything you are thankful for and for everything you feel like you need. Pray about anything and everything and share that special time with your spouse. It will make a difference in your day and in your relationship with both God and the person you are married to.

When we pray, it changes us. It humbles us and connects us with God. It increases our faith, improves our mood and makes us more positive and perceptive. Imagine what it can do for your marriage. Prayer places both the husband and wife on the same level. 

The more we pray together, the more we will need to pray together. C. S. Lewis said this about prayer: “I pray because I can’t help myself. I pray because I’m helpless. I pray because the need flows out of me all the time, waking and sleeping. It doesn’t change God. It changes me.” 

Many issues in our married lives can be solved by living a lifestyle of prayer. When we want things to be different, we should not pray that God would change our spouse; we should pray for God to change us. In doing so, out loud, next to our spouse, it will bring healing, admiration, humility and the willingness to be better and do better.

Thought of the Day

Let prayer be a priority in your marriage. Every day, hold hands together and pray – even if it is only for a few minutes before falling asleep. It will improve your lives and your marriage in ways you cannot even imagine!

from [#Life] Marriage

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Choose Your Fights

‘But now is the time to get rid of anger, rage, malicious behavior, slander, and dirty language. Don’t lie to each other, for you have stripped off your old sinful nature and all its wicked deeds. Put on your new nature, and be renewed as you learn to know your Creator and become like him. ‘ Colossians 3:8-10(NLT)

When my wife and I were on the edge of a little fight, she said this: “We do not have the time or the energy to fight about this.” And if you think about it, there are times when fighting is a waste of time, but we do not stop to realize it until it is too late and we have been fighting for an hour. 

“We do not have the time”: we are busy right now, I am supposed to pick the kids up from school, I have food in the oven, I was about to take a shower. 

“We do not have the energy”: we are both tired, we woke up early, it is late, we should be sleeping right now. 

It is OK to fight and even necessary in some cases. But it should lead to us solving things, not bickering over something with zero results.

We need to learn to fight fair. My wife and I are both human and we will see things differently and have fights and disagreements. However, there are a few things that we can learn to apply to our marriage in order to fight fair which can be applicable to you and your spouse as well. 

We need to make sure our fights deserve being fought over. Some things are insignificant and we should learn to let go and let God take control of it all! 

When you consider something to be so important that you feel the need to fight with your spouse over it, learn to fight fair. Let me give you three applications in fighting fair:

· Timing and tone are crucial. Ask yourself: is this the best time to say what I want to say? Unsolicited advice is usually the worst kind. Do not have serious conversations when you are tired or hungry. 

· Try to talk about the issue outside of the issue because it is not as emotionally charged then. For instance, when one person is always on time, and the other one is never on time, sometimes that is God’s way of working on both of them at the same time. But when someone is late, right as they come through the door is not the best time to have it out with your spouse over punctuality.

· Try to solve the problem and not the person. There are some things we have to get over. If our spouse talks a lot, we need to learn to get over it. If one is an extrovert and the other one an introvert, then at a party one is going to have to stay a little bit later than they prefer, and the other one leave a little bit earlier. It’s about compromising. Be more like Jesus when He said to the Father, “Not my will but yours be done,” (Luke 22:42).

Thought of the Day

Fighting is not always a bad thing if we learn how to fight fair, and find out when something is worth fighting about. 

from [#Life] Marriage

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Embrace the Priority

‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ Genesis 2:24(NLT)

‘And he said, “‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’#19:5 Gen 2:24. Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together.”’ Matthew 19:5-6(NLT)

‘In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church. ‘ Ephesians 5:28-29(NLT)

There will always be something we have to do next in life. There will always be one more thing we need to get done before heading home, before going on date night with our spouse, or before taking that much-needed vacation together. Yet, those things may not be a real priority. 

We need to learn to choose our priorities wisely. We should make ourselves and our spouse a priority in our marriage. 

Why should we make ourselves a priority as well? Because you and your spouse are one unit. So both of you are a priority. 

Equally. 

Many times we put our needs and our desires first which leads to our marriage suffering when we want things to go our way. Other times, we forget to take care of ourselves, and as our physical and mental health start to suffer, so does our marriage. That is why it is important to prioritize both you and your spouse to have a healthy, fun and long-lasting marriage.

When Jesus talks about marriage, when He says no one or nothing should separate what God has joined together, He means it. 

Do not let anything come between you and your spouse.. Do not let division arise within your marriage – not a person or a wrong priority. 

Having a job is important. Having children is a blessing from God. Having the house of your dreams is wonderful. Hanging out with friends and family is fun and many times necessary. 

Yet none of those things should become our number one priority. They can never become an excuse to spend time apart from your spouse. There will be times when your job will require more time and attention, but it can never become your number one priority. Having the house of your dreams can never be your number one priority. All of the things that are added to your married life are blessings from God, but those things are not supposed to take the place of your spouse. 

Thought of the Day

There are many fights that can be avoided if we learn to embrace our priorities as a married couple. God and your spouse are your number one. Once we understand this concept and embrace it, we will begin to enjoy our marriage and our spouse like never before!

from [#Life] Marriage