Category: 2nd Marriage

‘So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up. ‘ Galatians 6:9(NLT)

Few things bring me more joy in life than when my marriage and family are healthy and thriving. Conversely, few things have brought me more pain than when my marriage and family have felt broken. 

Meeting the needs of the ones you care for isn’t a one and done deal. You have to tend to their needs daily, with persistence, love, and devotion. When needs and feelings aren’t properly addressed, and therefore go unmet, it’s fertile ground for resentment, contempt, and bitterness. That ugly mess of relational weeds can choke out the beauty in your garden of love. 

Have you ever seen a garden that was once lush with healthy plants and flowers become overgrown by weeds? As you passed the struggling trees, overgrown bushes, and wilted flowers, you might have asked, “Where is the gardener?” Well, in the garden of love and marriage, the gardener is you. 

As a gardener, you have choice. You can be mindful of the weeds in your garden. Or, you can let the weeds grow, only to later spend countless amounts of time and energy fighting to pull their roots from the ground, hoping to restore the beauty of what was overtaken while you turned your head away from the problem. 

Remember, in the face of neglect, what’s beautiful dies and what’s ugly thrives. It’s your call to pull, plant, and water. Trust God with the rest. Even though he calls us to work with him, only he can make the best things grow.

Consider: 

What do you want the garden of your marriage and family to look like in a year, ten years, fifty years from now? Take a look at your garden now. 

What needs to go?

What needs to grow?

Father, lead us away from being people of good intentions, and make us disciples who take action. Give us the strength to then lead the ones you’ve lovingly entrusted to our care. May we remain faithful to an eternal legacy, by your grace and for your glory. Amen

from Lead Me by Matt Hammitt

‘Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too.’ Philippians 2:3-4(NLT)

Learning how to tend to Sarah’s emotional needs has been one of the most difficult marital lessons for me. . I’m still learning how to be patient with her feelings in those little, day-to-day confrontations, especially when I can’t relate to where she’s coming from. There is little I’ve worked harder at, and failed more at, than putting her need to be heard before my desire to move on.

Recently, Sarah addressed this weakness in front of our friends. It stung me, because it’s something I take seriously. I’ve strived to improve on it with God’s help. That night, I couldn’t sleep. I stewed over what Sarah had said. I started to feel angry and I laid awake wondering if I should address my feelings with her. I worried about whether or not she would understand my feelings. Would she be able to empathize even after I struggled to do the same for her? 

That’s when I went inward with a simple question, “Is it true?” I mean, was it true what she said about me, that I had a hard time responding appropriately when she was hurt? Do the times I’ve gotten it right void the pain of when I’ve gotten it wrong? Does the fact that I’m changing mean that her struggle is no longer real?

I started to see some things more clearly, and my anger began to fade into humility. Sarah had simply spoken truth about our relationship during a vulnerable conversation with trusted friends. I know Sarah’s heart, and I know her intent wasn’t malicious. She just wanted to move closer to me through honest communication. I started to realize that maybe it wasn’t Sarah, but the truth that had bothered me. Maybe I wanted to shoot the messenger because I couldn’t face the message. I had to put aside my own interests, embrace her desire to be heard, and receive what she needed me to hear.

I had to fight my impulses and inner dialogue first, so love could win the war.

Consider:

What is a message your spouse has tried to communicate to you? Can you see beyond the messenger to find the heart of the message?

That message, is it true? If so, how will you receive it?

from Lead Me by Matt Hammitt

‘Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.’ Proverbs 3:5-6(NLT)

‘People may be pure in their own eyes, but the Lord examines their motives. Commit your actions to the Lord , and your plans will succeed.’ Proverbs 16:2-3(NLT)

It takes a plan to make it through school, to get a job, to keep your job, to start a business, to get married, to buy a home, to take a vacation, to save for your future, to win a game and to win a war. (Big breath) It even takes to plan to be buried after you die. Some plans are as simple as keeping your calendar and showing up where you need to be. While other plans involve intricate details with heart and soul behind them. Some plans fail and some succeed. 

Years ago, I sat with my friend, Todd, at the beginning of a very difficult divorce. My heart hurt for him as he expressed the pain he felt over his wife choosing to leave. On top of it all, he was battling health issues, coping with the sorrow of his children, and trying to manage a major crisis at work. 

As we talked, Todd described the daily responsibilities of his job. It became clear how much of his time was consumed by crisis management away from home, and as he continued to pour out his heart, something hit me. My friend had a plan for everything, except for the most important things, like his marriage and family. As I listened, I saw my own reflection in his story. I had failed to give my family the same intentionality as I had given my work. 

God has good plans for us, for our marriage, and our family. He’s calling us to walk in harmony with these plans. Often times, our own design and desires blind us to where God is leading us. When we fail to commit our work to the Lord and commit to seeking his voice, we’re at risk of losing that which is most important in our lives. 

Consider:

Think deeply about this. Am I making plans based on what the world has to offer or what God offers my family and me? 

Am I investing more energy in what has eternal worth, or fading value?

from Lead Me by Matt Hammitt

‘What good is it, dear brothers and sisters, if you say you have faith but don’t show it by your actions? Can that kind of faith save anyone? Suppose you see a brother or sister who has no food or clothing, and you say, “Good-bye and have a good day; stay warm and eat well”—but then you don’t give that person any food or clothing. What good does that do? So you see, faith by itself isn’t enough. Unless it produces good deeds, it is dead and useless. Now someone may argue, “Some people have faith; others have good deeds.” But I say, “How can you show me your faith if you don’t have good deeds? I will show you my faith by my good deeds.” You say you have faith, for you believe that there is one God. Good for you! Even the demons believe this, and they tremble in terror. ‘ James 2:14-19(NLT)

Years ago, I bought this small, octagon-shaped ball I saw at the store. It was black with yellow lettering on each of its flat surfaces. 20 pushups, 30 sit ups, 15 burpees, water break, etc. You know, toss it on the ground and do whatever exercise it tells you to do.

On the way home, it rolled out of a grocery bag and into the back seat of my car.

Two months later, it was still there. Every time I looked at it, I saw 20 pushups. I never dropped to the floor, but I did those pushups in my mind, every day. I was doing great. 

The workout ball made its way from the car and into my house. There it was, speaking to me, 30 sit ups. I never dropped to the floor, but I did those sit ups in my mind, every day. I was feeling good about myself.

Ok, let’s get real. Buying that ball didn’t make me stronger or more in shape, though it could’ve if I had used it for its intended purpose. Owning it made me feel better about myself just for keeping it around. I was getting ripped on good intentions, but no one around me could see the difference. 

Maybe you see your Bible sitting there, and you imagine yourself opening it more. Maybe you think about how you’re going to spend more time investing in your family, or others. Envisioning a more spiritually disciplined version of yourself makes you feel good. 

Have you allowed your good intentions, imaginations and inner dialogue define who you believe you are? Unfortunately, the people you’re called to lead can’t read your mind, desires or intentions. The only thing that speaks love to them is real action and real change. 

Good intentions are worthless until they become actions. 

Consider: 

Identify some good intentions in yourself that you’ve been treating like realities.

What excuses are keeping your intentions from becoming reality?

from Lead Me by Matt Hammitt

‘But don’t just listen to God’s word. You must do what it says. Otherwise, you are only fooling yourselves. For if you listen to the word and don’t obey, it is like glancing at your face in a mirror. You see yourself, walk away, and forget what you look like. But if you look carefully into the perfect law that sets you free, and if you do what it says and don’t forget what you heard, then God will bless you for doing it.’ James 1:22-25(NLT)

I’ll never forget the weight behind my wife’s words leading up to one of the most important conversations of my life. “We need to talk.” No one ever wants to hear those words, myself included. They can lead to hard conversations. Hard, yet necessary. 

Sarah expressed her desire for me to be more present, more understanding, more in touch with my own fragile heart and emotions. Ultimately, she needed me to find the strength and confidence to lead her and our family well. I knew in that moment that I couldn’t do it unless God was leading me each step of the way.

I had been that double-minded man that James wrote about, swayed back and forth by the waves of the sea, allowing myself to be led by the wrong voices and influenced by my own shifting emotions. There was a clear way forward, but first, I had to accept my need for change. 

It goes without saying that our marriage didn’t change overnight. But one small step at a time, with God’s leading hand, Sarah and I have made incredible strides. You can too. Moving forward requires a hard look at yourself in the mirror. If you’re willing to see yourself clearly, you’ll see some things that need to change. Only then can you move forward toward becoming who God has called you to be.

Over the course of the next five days, I’ll share some simple biblical and practical lessons that are helping me along the way. If you’re willing to look inward, then together, with God’s help, we can take some important steps toward healthier relationships. 

Consider:

No human is perfect. Name one of your imperfections that negatively impacts your marriage and family. Name two or three, if you dare. 

Have you had one of those “we need to talk” conversations? What did you hear? What did you say? Did it result in any change?

from Lead Me by Matt Hammitt