Category: 2nd Marriage

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1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

Just move your mouth

‘Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. ‘ 1 Corinthians 13:4-5(NLT)

It is better to lose your pride with someone you love rather than to lose that someone you love with your useless pride. — John Ruskin

Have you ever noticed that 1 Corinthians 13 tells you two things about what love is:

Love is patient, love is kind. (13:4a)

And it tells you five things regarding what love is not:

[Love] does not envy,
it does not boast,
it is not proud.
It does not dishonor others,
it is not self-seeking. (13:4-5a)

The list continues; but if we pause there, it’s easy to see that love doesn’t put self first. It’s our new marriage mantra: In love, choose to lose.

Through years of providing marriage counseling to couples, I’ve noticed pride exists in most marriages—through one or both spouses. The word Paul uses for “pride” is the Greek physioo. Physioo is having an inflated view of your own intellect and reason.

If you were a physioo man, you might think, Wow, she’s so lucky to have me!

A physioo woman might say to herself, I wonder what would have become of him if he hadn’t hooked up with me?

Physioo men and women both struggle with the words, “I’m sorry.”

If that’s you, then practice them this week in the mirror. Start simply. Just move your mouth; make the muscles work. Practice and repeat; practice and repeat. You’ll soon find that there are very few sentences that have a more powerful impact on a marriage than “I’m sorry.”

For a more advanced version, you can add the words, “And I was wrong.”

And if you want to take it all the way, sincerely and humbly add, “Please forgive me.”

Baby steps, my friends, because even baby steps take you places. If you desire to have a marriage that breaks out and grows, then pride must go.

God, I pray the language of repentance that ushered me into Your Kingdom would become the native language of my marriage. You promise that when I lack the words, Your Spirit will give them to me; when I struggle to speak, Your Spirit will make me bold. I ask that my apologies would be bold and often—that these apologies would be poison to any pride in my character. Amen.

Reflection:

1) Where can I let my spouse win in our marriage?

2) Is there anything I need to apologize for to my spouse? 

3) In what way can I serve my spouse this week?

from Choosing to Lose Wins in Marriage by Peter Briscoe

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1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

Secret to a growing marriage

‘And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. ‘ Ephesians 5:21-22(NLT)

I am not designed to come second or third. I am designed to win. — Ayrton Senna, Formula One Champion (died in first place during the 1994 San Marino Grand Prix)

Does choosing to lose come naturally to us? No way! Most of us struggle. We love to win, and we go to great lengths to avoid second place.

Think about it: 

  • Who wants to be second chair trumpet when there is a first chair? If you’re going to devote your life to music, you might as well go for first.
  • The Miss America Pageant has gotten creative with second place; they call it “first runner-up.” We all know it’s a euphemism for second.
  • How about first in line for the throne? Read some history books and see what happens to that guy. Second in line takes him out.

For most of us, second place isn’t easy because it means we are second to someone who beat us. Biblical love, choosing to be second, isn’t the default setting for many of us.

Consider all the debate surrounding Ephesians 5:22, which has been translated, “Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord.” Did you know the word submit isn’t in the original Greek translation of Ephesians 5:22? It actually reads, “Wives, to your husbands as to the Lord.”

In fact, you have to back up a verse in the Greek in order to locate it. Ephesians 5:21 reads, “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.”

Husbands, submit to your wives. Wives, submit to your husbands out of reverence for Jesus.

What exactly does it mean to submit? Hupotasso is the Greek word. Upo means “under.” Taso means “place.” Its voice indicates a voluntary action. So quite literally, this passage explains how husbands and wives can voluntarily place themselves second inside their marriage.

It’s a different way. A powerful way. It’s the secret to make your marriage grow for a lifetime.

Lord, to submit in this way is empowering! Freeing! I can say with all honesty that as of today, I desire to be a loser in my marriage. Holy Spirit, empower me to choose second place. Amen.

from Choosing to Lose Wins in Marriage by Peter Briscoe

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1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

He gave us to each other

‘He sat down, called the twelve disciples over to him, and said, “Whoever wants to be first must take last place and be the servant of everyone else.”’ Mark 9:35(NLT)

‘You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had. Though he was God, he did not think of equality with God as something to cling to. Instead, he gave up his divine privileges ; he took the humble position of a slave and was born as a human being. When he appeared in human form, he humbled himself in obedience to God and died a criminal’s death on a cross.’ Philippians 2:5-8(NLT)

You have not chosen one another but I have chosen you for one another. — C. S. Lewis, The Four Loves

If choosing to lose inside your marriage relationship makes you feel a little nervous—if second place isn’t natural for you—I have great news: Jesus was the first to love this way.

In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. …  He humbled himself by becoming obedient to death … (Philippians 2:5-8)

Jesus was in His very nature God. Can we say “winning”? There is no first before God. He’s it. The Alpha.

But Jesus didn’t consider winning the ultimate goal—being first was not His primary objective. Instead, He made himself nothing, chose nothing, and took on the very nature of a servant. Then He gave us to each other and asked that we do the same.

The Gospel of Mark tells us the disciples were walking and talking on the road to Capernaum. When asked about their conversation, they admitted to arguing over who was the greatest—who was winning — who was first in Jesus’ book.

Jesus sits down and teaches them a lesson for the ages: “Anyone who wants to be first must be the very last, and the servant of all” (Mark 9:35).

This is the way of Jesus, and this is the Jesus who lives in us. This is how He wants to love through us! Are you willing to let Him?

If you’re having a hard time imagining yourself choosing to lose in your marriage, just remember, Jesus did it for His bride the Church. Because He sent His Spirit to love through us, you can do the same for your bride or groom.

Jesus, I accept the invitation to let You love through me in a way that lets my spouse win. You who were first chose to be last. I who should be last will not fight to be first. Service and humility are empty unless rooted in a desire for those I love and those I serve to know You. May I choose this most passionately inside my marriage. May I depend on You to fully do it through me. Amen.

from Choosing to Lose Wins in Marriage by Peter Briscoe

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1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

Marriage is for losers

‘Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too.’ Philippians 2:3-4(NLT)

You can be right, or you can be married; take your pick. — Dr. Kelly Flanagan, “Marriage Is for Losers” (UnTangled blogpost, March 2, 2012)

Dr. Kelly Flanagan, a clinical psychologist and writer, wrote a blogpost titled “Marriage Is for Losers.” In it, he wrote, “If marriage is going to work, it needs to become a contest to see which spouse is going to lose the most.”

A contest to see which spouse is going to lose the most. What would that even look like?

  • When the baby cries, both spouses race out the bedroom door, bumping into each other at the hall corners, just to get to the crying infant so the other one can rest.
  • Your spouse’s calendar and career takes precedence over your own.
  • In the midst of a really bad day, you still seek ways to make life easier for your spouse.
  • When flipping through Netflix and trying to decide between Sylvester Stallone’s 16th boxing movie or Rachel McAdam’s 17th romantic comedy, you choose as though your spouse is sitting next to you.
  • When you are having a rough day, you seek ways to make the day easier for your spouse, not yourself.

Listen, Christ calls us to do most things backwards from what the world and your flesh are telling you. So if you’re going to make your marriage a competition, compete over which spouse will lose the most.

Major life decisions would be much less traumatic on marriages if each party sought to lose so the marriage would grow. I’m not saying to lie down and put aside all of your opinions. I’m not saying to neglect your dreams and hopes. I’m not saying to change your taste in movies. Simply put, become second.

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. (Philippians 2:3-4)

Seek second. Choose to lose. In fact, become a real winner by choosing to lose every chance you get.

Lord of our Covenant, this is so exciting! I have multiple ways every day in which I can choose to lose. Remind me daily of my fullness in Christ and the filling of Your Spirit. For once I realize I have everything I need, I will be empowered to tend to the desires of my spouse over my own. Show me very specific ways You want me to do that right now, today. Amen.

from Choosing to Lose Wins in Marriage by Peter Briscoe

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1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

Be the first loser

‘Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. ‘ Philippians 2:3(NLT)

I’ll insist my competitor is the greatest, so that when I beat him, I won’t be calling myself the greatest—I’ll be proving it through my actions. — Jarod Kintz, Seriously Delirious, but Not at All Serious

When I was young, people asked me, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” When I was little, my answer was the traditional fireman. During early adolescence, it was a professional athlete. When I was a teenager, the people who asked me that question got a strange answer. I’d say, “I want to be the best.”

“The best at what?”

“I don’t care. Doesn’t matter. I just want to be the best.”

The fact is I like to win. Winning, I believe, is more fun than losing. Coming in second just means you’re the first loser.

Nothing is wrong with trying to win unless we’re talking about relationships. Nothing kills a relationship faster than someone trying to win.

Here are a few examples: It’s 2:00 in the morning. The baby cries—again. You stare at the wall and think, Winning for me is getting to stay right here in this bed. That’s what your spouse is thinking too. Both of you are staring at the wall, practicing your deep sleep-like breathing, and waiting for the other one to get that baby. (Hey, I had three kids, okay? I got pretty good at that!)

Or you have one Friday night and two events: A couples baby shower or tickets to a game. There’s an argument. Emotions escalate. Winning, for you, is getting the last word and going to the game.

Or what about a financial decision? One spouse wants to save the money while the other one wants to spend it.

It doesn’t take a genius to see that winning in these ways does not lead to a winning marriage. Winning in the little things is like having a little bit of plaque on your teeth. Over time, that plaque builds up, leads to decay, and the marriage dies.

In marriage, when one wins both lose.

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. (Philippians 2:3a)

In other words, stop trying to win. I’m not being simplistic and I’m not being unrealistic. Your spouse is not your competitor, okay? You can break the losing streak in your marriage by choosing to win God’s way, and that means dropping the competition thing and letting God love and serve through you.

God, You desire for me to have a servant’s heart, so I need You to give me the desire for the same thing! Show me how I’ve been trying to win inside my marriage. Reveal to me the ways I compete with my spouse. Give me peace in letting go of that desire to be number one in a relationship of two. Amen.

from Choosing to Lose Wins in Marriage by Peter Briscoe

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1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

No Record of Wrong

‘So watch yourselves! “If another believer sins, rebuke that person; then if there is repentance, forgive. Even if that person wrongs you seven times a day and each time turns again and asks forgiveness, you must forgive.”’ Luke 17:3-4(NLT)

‘But when you are praying, first forgive anyone you are holding a grudge against, so that your Father in heaven will forgive your sins, too.”’ Mark 11:25(NLT)

‘God blesses those who work for peace, for they will be called the children of God.’ Matthew 5:9(NLT)

‘Then Peter came to him and asked, “Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?” “No, not seven times,” Jesus replied, “but seventy times seven!’ Matthew 18:21-22(NLT)

Devotional Content:

Forgiveness can get complicated in marriage relationships. We think if we forgive our spouse for what they did, they might feel they got off easy and not learn their lesson and do the same thing again. We think if we forgive our spouse for what they did, it doesn’t let them know how much they hurt us. We complicate forgiveness by having our own agenda instead of God’s agenda. We think, “if God really knew what my spouse did, He would understand. God doesn’t expect me to forgive that does He?” When we withhold forgiveness from our spouse, it can give us a false sense of power. We have something they want. We have control of when we say, “I forgive you.” All of this might make sense in a movie or a television drama, but in a Christian marriage, no.  

The truth is that God is God and we are not. God tells us to forgive. It’s not a “when you are ready,” or “when they have suffered enough” forgiveness. It’s forgive because I forgave you. It’s a Calvary hill forgiveness. Somehow in the midst of our hurt, we forget about that. We forget that Jesus gave His life so we could be forgiven. Our role is to forgive. What happens next is up to our spouse and to God.  

I know this for certain: When a person withholds forgiveness from their spouse, it never affects the spouse as much as it does the unforgiving person. God did not create us to be judges. That is His role and He is ever just and fair. In your marriage, be quick to forgive and resolve issues. It’s what God tells us to do.  

Today’s Challenge: 

Dr. Kim says that forgiveness keeps no record of wrong. Apply that to your marriage relationship.

Going Deeper:

Are there areas of unforgiveness in your marriage? If so, what are those areas? What steps will you take to forgive those areas?

from Stop The Fighting – Part 1: Breaking The Cycles Of Unhealthy Conflict by Dr. Kim Kimberling

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A “Not Good” Cycle

‘“So if you are presenting a sacrifice at the altar in the Temple and you suddenly remember that someone has something against you, leave your sacrifice there at the altar. Go and be reconciled to that person. Then come and offer your sacrifice to God.’ Matthew 5:23-24(NLT)

‘Some people make cutting remarks, but the words of the wise bring healing.’ Proverbs 12:18(NLT)

‘And “don’t sin by letting anger control you.” Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry, ‘ Ephesians 4:26(NLT)

‘“Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against a fellow Israelite, but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the Lord .’ Leviticus 19:18(NLT)

Devotional Content:

Nancy and I have had many cycles in our marriage. Some of them were good; others were not. One of the “not good” cycles centered on the “not good” way we were handling conflict. If something happened that bothered one of us, we would stuff it.  “Stuffing it” means that instead of dealing with what happened in a healthy way and resolving it, we would either act like it did not bother us or give the other person the silent treatment for a day or two. Either way was not good. You can only stuff so much until you reach your limit and then all the “stuffing” comes flying out. Once the explosion was over, we would resume our cycle and nothing changed. That cycle was killing our marriage.  

Conflict in marriage is normal. You are never going to agree on everything. You will never see everything eye to eye. So you have a choice. Keep fighting the way you have been fighting or change. This is what I want you to consider. Keep short accounts.  When something happens in your marriage that bothers you you have three choices.  First, you can decide it is not really a big deal and let go of it. That works because you made a choice. You chose to not make this a battle. Second, you can give it to God.  Instead of you handling it, you let Him handle it and you leave it in His hands. Third, you can write it down and set a time to talk it through. That’s your “short accounts” list.  Something happens and as a couple you deal with it. You don’t stuff it. You don’t ignore it. You wait until there is a good time that works for you both and you talk it through. No more explosions. No more unhealthy cycle. It’s your choice. All three ways work. Let it go. Give it to God. Deal with it. What will you choose to do?

Today’s Challenge: 

On a scale of 1-10 with 10 being the highest, how important is forgiveness in your marriage? Why?

Going Deeper:

Dr. Kim talks about keeping “short accounts” in your marriage. What is your first step to do that with your spouse?

from Stop The Fighting – Part 1: Breaking The Cycles Of Unhealthy Conflict by Dr. Kim Kimberling

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A Communication Vacuum

‘Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.’ Ephesians 4:29(NLT)

‘Getting wisdom is the wisest thing you can do! And whatever else you do, develop good judgment.’ Proverbs 4:7(NLT)

Devotional Content:

One of the things that I thought I did really well in the early part of our marriage was speak. I thought I hit a home run with my words, ideas and thoughts. I could not understand why Nancy was not awed at my wisdom, but she wasn’t. In fact, my wisdom could really get under her skin. Why? It took me a long time to figure this one out. When Nancy was speaking to me, sharing a concern or something that was on her heart, I was not listening. I was thinking about what I was going to say when she stopped talking or what I was going to do once she finished. When I finally opened my mouth and spoke it would have been a minor miracle if I said anything that had to do with what she just shared. I don’t think it was a conscious choice, but over time, she quit listening to me. Now we were in a communication vacuum and we were stuck.

We needed to start over. We needed to commit to speaking clearly when something was important to one of us and we needed to learn to listen well to each other and I needed to take the lead since I was the one that got us off track in the first place. This is what happened. We both began to do a better job of speaking in a way that the other could hear. Nancy was all about information so I needed to touch all the bases when I was sharing something with her. I was all about being affirmed. I wanted to know she was interested in what I was saying. Then we both worked at really focused listening and making sure we really heard and understood what was said. Was there effort?  Yes. Was there work? Yes. Was it all worth it? Absolutely!

Today’s Challenge: 

If you really want your spouse to hear what you are saying, what do you need to do as the speaker?

Going Deeper:

Think together about the distractions that make it difficult for the two of you to speak and listen well. What can you do to eliminate these? 

from Stop The Fighting – Part 1: Breaking The Cycles Of Unhealthy Conflict by Dr. Kim Kimberling

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Why Communication?

‘Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. ‘ James 1:19(NLT)

‘To one who listens, valid criticism is like a gold earring or other gold jewelry.’ Proverbs 25:12(NLT)

Devotional Content:

There are a number of things in marriage that I don’t get. Much of that is because I am male! There are things that God teaches me in marriage that I still don’t understand. I don’t get that Nancy and I can be so connected when we are communicating well and spending quality time together daily, then have one day of not communicating or spending time together and be back at ground zero. I thought I could build up some equity and take a day or two off. Well, I guess I can take that day or two off, but there is no equity to draw on.  

God made male and female differently. Many of those differences we really like, but there are some that leave us scratching our heads as we try to figure them out. The thing God taught me that I do get is to accept the things He teaches me. He knows. I don’t. Most women are much better at conversation than their husbands and even though the talk would go more smoothly with another female friend, they want to talk to us. Our role is to talk and listen and talk and listen. We will get to their role in another reading plan.

Now this is the really cool thing I have learned. When I spend time communicating with Nancy, our marriage is better and I really like that time with her. Once I quit fighting the difference and started embracing it, things turned around and we began to fight less.  The better we communicate and listen to each other and seek to understand each other, the less we will fight and the less we fight, the better our marriage!

Today’s Challenge: 

How much time do you spend each day communicating with your spouse? Decide as a couple when and how you can spend more quality time together.

Going Deeper:

Each of you make a list of things you could talk about to your spouse. Now you have your conversation starters. Talk!

from Stop The Fighting – Part 1: Breaking The Cycles Of Unhealthy Conflict by Dr. Kim Kimberling

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Made by Love

‘So God created human beings in his own image. In the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.’ Genesis 1:27(NLT)

‘Then God looked over all he had made, and he saw that it was very good! And evening passed and morning came, marking the sixth day.’ Genesis 1:31(NLT)

Imagine the transformation in your marriage if you viewed one another as image-bearers of God! The Lord chose to display his attributes through mankind—the final masterpiece of all he created. 

How do you see the Lord’s image displayed in one another today? Value each other’s intelligence and creativity,  compassion and mercy, beauty and strength, justice and integrity, discernment and wisdom, kindness and love. Despite your imperfections, the fingerprints of God are wonderful to see. 

Take a moment to pray and thank God for the unique creation of your spouse. Name the qualities you value most—the ones that remind you of Jesus. Ask for a greater appreciation for who they are. Pray for eyes to see past their weaknesses and celebrate their strengths. 

Trust that God has made you “very good” and delights in who you are (Gen. 1:31). He’s ready to show himself to a lost world as his character is revealed through your lives. 

Lord, help us understand what it means to be made in your image. Let us cherish one another as your priceless creation. May we know you better as we grow closer to each other. Amen. 

from Mr. & Mrs.