Category: 2nd Marriage

‘And “don’t sin by letting anger control you.” Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry, ‘ Ephesians 4:26(NLT)

‘An angry person starts fights; a hot-tempered person commits all kinds of sin.’ Proverbs 29:22(NLT)

‘Dear brothers and sisters, I close my letter with these last words: Be joyful. Grow to maturity. Encourage each other. Live in harmony and peace. Then the God of love and peace will be with you.’ 2 Corinthians 13:11(NLT)

‘What is causing the quarrels and fights among you? Don’t they come from the evil desires at war within you? ‘ James 4:1(NLT)

What comes to your mind when you hear the word “conflict”? Most of do not get warm fuzzy feelings. Depending on our life experiences, our responses can range from an unpleasant thought to absolute fear. As we look at conflict in a marriage, we find it plays out in a number of ways. Some couples go toe to toe. It is an all-out battle to the end, and someone will eventually win. Other couples are different in that one is dominant and the other passive. The fights do not usually last long, as the dominant one quickly overpowers the passive one either verbally or physically. There are a lot of combinations in between, but the bottom line is that very few couples handle conflict in a healthy way.

Look at your marriage and think about your times of conflict. How do you handle them? If you fight to the finish, you get one winner and two losers – the losing spouse and the marriage. If one dominates the other, trust is broken and walls to protect are built. Often, I see couples who seem to be in a conflict pattern. They fight about almost everything. They don’t choose their battles well at all. Repeated and unresolved conflict will eventually kill a marriage.

But what if instead of the road of conflict we switched over to the road of engage. Engage is different. Let’s be honest, every marriage has conflict. It may look different from one marriage to another but it is there. Honestly, if a couple told me they never had conflict, I would think one of two things. They are either totally unconnected or they are not being honest with me. Marriage is designed for conflict! We are different by design, and differences can cause conflict. We either embrace our differences of we let them tear us apart. It took us a long time to figure that out, but when we did our marriage literally turned around. We went from fighting to engaging.

There is so much to learn from the Bible, but there is one short verse that turns conflict into engaging. James 1:19 says, “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” That’s it. Break that down. Listen to your spouse. Really listen and value what they say. Embrace any differences. Take your time before you speak so that you do not say something you will later regret. Finally, control your anger. That will be tough for some of you because you either never have controlled it or you have not controlled it for a very long time. These three steps put the lid on conflict and set an atmosphere for engaging where differences can be resolved and valued.

Prayer: This is a big one for many of us. Pray that with God’s help James 1:19 is written on your heart in such a way that it is always your first response.

from 7 Secrets To An Awesome Marriage by Kim Kimberling

‘Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. ‘ James 1:19 https://my.bible.com/bible/116/JAS.1.19

‘If you prize wisdom, she will make you great. Embrace her, and she will honor you.’ Proverbs 4:8(NLT)

‘In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. ‘ Ephesians 5:28(NLT)

Sometimes I better understand what a word means when I know what its opposite means. Take the word “connect.” It can mean a number of things. We connect dots, we connect airplane flights to get us where we want to go, and we connect with others in our same profession hoping to learn from each other. But what does connect mean in a marriage? Is it talking or hanging out together or the absence of fighting? Is it sharing a bank account or going on a date or living under the same roof? I know couples that do all of those, and the last word I would use to describe them would be connected. They talk, but it is always surface. They hang out, but it is more out of convenience. They don’t fight, but there is no passion. The bank account makes sense to them on a practical level. The dates keep them from going to a movie or out to dinner alone, and living together under the same roof saves a lot of money on bills. These couples do not connect – they exist. Someone observing them might think they are connected, but they are not.

Nancy and I do all the above, but this is the difference. When we talk to each other we put a lot of effort into listening. We want each other to know they are heard. That connects us. When we hang out together, we touch and sit close together and hold hands. Physical touch connects us. We fight, but we try to fight fair and to resolve our differences and to show respect for each other. That connects us. Sharing a bank account connects us because we have a budget; when we stick to it we have more to give away, and being generous connects us. We started having dates together in college, and we still have them all the time. We look forward to enjoying time together and it connects us. The place we live together under the same roof is our home, and we connect there every day.

Connected is where we are most of the time today, but it took work. We had a lot of existing years, but we hung in there, and as we learned about doing marriage God’s way the days of existing together turned into days of connecting together.

Prayer: Ask God to show you where you are just existing in your marriage. Then ask Him to help you connect in a way that allows you to cherish each other and your marriage.

from 7 Secrets To An Awesome Marriage by Kim Kimberling

‘Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.’ Matthew 6:33(NLT)

‘I always thank my God for you and for the gracious gifts he has given you, now that you belong to Christ Jesus. ‘ 1 Corinthians 1:4(NLT)

‘A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.’ Ecclesiastes 4:12(NLT)

A few years back, I was attending a conference in Amsterdam. One evening I sat and talked with a man who was a pastor from a small African village. The people in his church were very poor, but he related how they had this incredible passion for God. Then he said something that really hit me hard. He said, “I feel sorry for you and your country. You have so much that distracts you from God. My people have nothing but God.”

START begins with putting God first in your life. If I asked you what is the most important thing in your life and you said God, is there evidence to prove that is true? If I looked at your calendar, what would I see? How much of your life is set aside to spend time with God? I was in a men’s small group, and the leader that day asked us all to write down our top three priorities. Then we went around the table and each of us shared our list. Without exception, our lists were identical – God, family, work. We were all feeling pretty good about our answers until our leader asked us to open our daily calendars on our mobile devices and lay them on the table. Guess what? All of our calendars were almost identical, too – and none of us had time blocked off for God or family.

Let me share something with you that I have found to be absolutely one hundred percent true. When my relationship with God is where it needs to be, my relationship with Nancy is, too, and when my relationship with God is not where it needs to be neither is my relationship with Nancy. For me, putting God first looks something like this. I start my day and end my day with Him. I seek His wisdom. I pray for my marriage and my family. I filter everything that happens in my day through Him. He is first. Then and only then do I keep Nancy where He wants her to be. He is my one. She is my two. That is what START is all about.

Prayer: Pray for God to show you what it means to put Him first each and every day. Then with His help start the process.

from 7 Secrets To An Awesome Marriage by Kim Kimberling

‘You can make many plans, but the Lord ’s purpose will prevail.’ Proverbs 19:21(NLT)

‘So I say, let the Holy Spirit guide your lives. Then you won’t be doing what your sinful nature craves. ‘ Galatians 5:16(NLT)

‘Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.’ 1 Corinthians 13:4-7(NLT)

If we define insanity as the things that we do over and over expecting different results, most of us at one time or another can say, “That’s me!” For example, if I think that I can go ten miles per hour over the speed limit on the freeway I take to work each day, but continue to get pulled over by the police and have a stack of speeding tickets, that would qualify as an “insanity”. The reality is that this “insanity” does not hurt anyone but myself. But what about the insanities that I can have in my marriage? Those can be a different story.

Often in my marriage I have often found that my “insanities” center around my expectations. For instance, I may have an expectation that Nancy is to keep the house clean, do all the laundry, and prepare dinner every night. They are not bad expectations. But what if the reality is that Nancy has a full-time job and comes home in the evening just as tired as I do? What if I never tell her what my expectations are and then get upset with her when she does not do them? Get the picture? My “insanity” is having unrealistic expectations and then holding Nancy to them even though I never told her what they were. Now play that out over a few days or weeks. Each night I get angry at her. Each night she gets frustrated at me and cannot understand what is wrong. She begins to withdraw from me because I seem unfair and insensitive. As she withdraws, I come on stronger and my “insanity” is killing our marriage.

Take a look at your marriage. What are your expectations? Are they realistic? Have you shared them with your spouse? What if you both prayerfully made a list of your expectations and then shared them with each other? Then together decided what is realistic and what is not.

Paul lists the fruits of the Spirit in Galatians 5:22, 23. What if my expectation in marriage was that Nancy and I together would seek God’s help each day to build love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control into our marriage? Would that make a difference? Would that solve the insanities that we could both bring into our marriage? Can you even imagine what a ‘fruits of the Spirit” marriage would be like? If you cannot, God can, and He is there to help you build them into your marriage just as He would like them to be.

Prayer: As you make your lists of expectations, take them to God in prayer before you share them with your spouse. Let Him help you with your list. Then as a couple ask God each day to begin building the fruits of the Spirit into your marriage.

from 7 Secrets To An Awesome Marriage by Kim Kimberling

‘Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib, and he brought her to the man.’ Genesis 2:22(NLT)

‘Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.’ Romans 12:2(NLT)

There was a time when almost everyone got married. Culturally it was the “thing” to do. But for many, that was yesterday. Today a lot of people choose to not marry. The reasons are many. For some it’s that whole commitment thing. For others they may have seen one too many bad marriages and are reluctant to take the risk. Besides, they believe that living together is easier.

If you are married, do you have any regrets? Is your marriage different than you thought it would be? Do you ever envy those who choose not to marry? As I see all these things play out in people’s lives, I have an observation I want to throw out for you to consider. Maybe, just maybe, the problem with marriage is not marriage. Maybe it is us!

Consider this. God created everything and He said it was all good – except for one thing. He did not like it that man was alone. But being the good God that He is, He fixed the problem. God created woman and marriage in one fell swoop. Marriage was His idea. Let that soak in. With all the negatives our world throws onto marriage, the Creator of everything says marriage is good.

So for these nine days we are going to focus on marriage God’s way. As we look at these 7 Secrets, you will learn the steps necessary to have your own Awesome Marriage.

Prayer: Ask God to help you clear your heart and mind of the world’s view of marriage and to help you embrace His perfect plan for your marriage.

from 7 Secrets To An Awesome Marriage by Kim Kimberling