Category: 2nd Marriage

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2nd Marriage Step Father-mother ZZ

Be Unoffendable

‘Sensible people control their temper; they earn respect by overlooking wrongs.’ Proverbs 19:11(NLT)

If you are anything like me, then choosing not to take things personally can seem like a daunting task. In a society in which we constantly seek approval and are often taught that the approval of others defines us, it is easy to fall into the trap of becoming offended.

This has happened to me on many occasions with Rachel.

During her custody battle she once said to me, “I am the one they will hold responsible, not you.” 

Let me tell you, I instantly became offended!

Why? Because I was thinking about myself and my feelings. I had failed to take into consideration the fact that in the past, when she had felt that a particular request by her ex was unreasonable based on the parenting agreement, the magistrate had responded, “Well, yeah, it reads that way, but what’s the harm in giving him what he wants?” Even after showing numerous times how she had been flexible with her ex’s requests and seemed to be the only one following the agreement, in the few times someone felt she wasn’t being flexible, it was frowned upon.

My failure to see things from a selfless perspective caused me to take her statement as a personal attack or to feel that she was isolating me from the custody battle. In my mind, I was as much involved in the battle as she was financially, emotionally, physically, and mentally, but that couldn’t have been further from the truth.

The truth is, she was overwhelmed, and I wasn’t. She dreaded going to court and being in a room of individuals where she felt alone and attacked. I was unable to go into the courtroom or magistrate’s chamber with her. Her ex’s attorney couldn’t care less about me and only wanted to speak with Rachel. My opinion was not considered by others involved in the case in most circumstances. My wife was carrying most of the burden herself.

How can we not take things personally when supporting our spouse through their custody battle?

We can consider why our spouse may have spoken a particular way.

We can also be proactive rather than reactive. 

These simple steps will not only set us up for fewer personal offenses during the custody process but will also help our spouse feel as if we are supporting them and that we care about even the things we cannot control.

from How to Support Your Spouse Through A Custody Battle

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2nd Marriage Step Father-mother ZZ

Be Quick to Listen and Slow to Speak

‘Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. ‘ James 1:19(NLT)

‘Brothers and sisters, we urge you to warn those who are lazy. Encourage those who are timid. Take tender care of those who are weak. Be patient with everyone.’ 1 Thessalonians 5:14(NLT)

One of the hardest things to do, for me anyway, is to be “slow to speak” (James 1:19). Listening is easy—my wife speaks, and I listen. It’s that simple. She sends words out of her mouth that my ears catch and take to my brain. Now the problem for me is what happens next: almost instantly my brain floods with a plethora of ideas, workarounds, new perspectives, or potential solutions, even though Rachel didn’t ask for them. It is as if a dam breaks and the water instantly begins flooding the surrounding area, covering everything—and sometimes causing damage.

When we listen with our ears, we tend to rationalize and instantly attempt to find solutions. This could be because our ears are so close to our brains (of course, this statement is not based on any in-depth scientific research on my part; it’s just a random thought). What I do know from real-life experience is that listening with our hearts allows us to understand our spouse’s perspective with compassion. It allows our hearts to reconnect, to feel what they feel, increasing the desire for us to let them know they are not alone.

We can become the listeners our spouses need.

Here are a few practical ways of doing that.

At the beginning of a conversation, we can remind ourselves that a solution is not necessary unless requested. This way our brains will not get stuck on one particular part of the story as we try to find a solution for each problem.

As we listen, we can try to understand how our spouse is feeling, not think about how we are feeling. This will allow us to respond according to their needs and not according to what we think their needs are.

We can remember that we don’t always have to respond to everything. Sometimes it’s good just to listen and tell our spouse that we understand how they feel and that we are sorry they are going through such a difficult experience.

Finally, we can simply ask our spouse what we can do to help them. This lets them know that we are willing to take action but won’t do it without their approval.

Being quick to listen and slow to speak can be challenging, but it is a great habit that is worth learning both for now and for later on in our marriage.

from How to Support Your Spouse Through A Custody Battle

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2nd Marriage Step Father-mother ZZ

Be Sensitive to Your Spouse’s Parenting Hesitancies

‘Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too.’ Philippians 2:4(NLT)

‘We who are strong must be considerate of those who are sensitive about things like this. We must not just please ourselves. ‘ Romans 15:1(NLT)

I had never thought of myself as a prideful person. I am one of the first to lend a helping hand in any area. I am willing to sacrifice and almost always ready to give to someone in need.

How could I possibly be prideful?

But as I read two amazing books that helped me to gain a better understanding of pride— I realized I actually had a problem with it in some areas.

This was made clear one day when my wife and I disciplined one of our seven children. One of our kids had made a poor choice, and I instantly responded by  yelling, taking several privileges away, including some after-school activities our child loved to do. Then I sent them to their room.

This just so happened to occur right after my wife and I had discussed not responding to our kids in anger but rather parenting them with a specific goal in mind: not to see poor actions repeated.

Clearly my response with our child showed that I hadn’t taken our discussion fully to heart.

To be honest, at Rachel’s request I had instantly became offended and upset. I had responded with a short answer: “Yeah, okay, whatever.” Why had I responded this way? The answer is simple: pride.

When we are walking through our spouse’s custody battle with them, we have to be willing not only to set aside our pride but also to make some compromises in our homes and our parenting. Healthy compromise on matters of parenting or other issues in the home is a great way to kill off pride and help us have greater sensitivity to what is going on with our spouse during this process.

If we view the situation from our spouse’s perspective and make his or her concerns our own, then we will be better able to accept some of these compromises. The question we need to ask ourselves is, what do we consider a win? Is it getting what we want or working with our spouse to find a balance that is best for both of us? 

Compromise can be an invaluable tool. It may mean coming to common ground on an issue with our spouse, even if we don’t fully agree, or that being right or being the winner in a situation is not worth our spouse feeling unhappy or unsupported by us.

from How to Support Your Spouse Through A Custody Battle

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2nd Marriage Step Father-mother ZZ

How to Support Your Spouse Through A Custody Battle-Introduction

‘Share each other’s burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ. ‘ Galatians 6:2(NLT)

My wife, Rachel, and I had very different parenting styles when we first married and created a blended family of five kids (and added two later). This caused a lot of frustration at the beginning of our marriage. Eventually, however, we took action by taking courses, reading books, and engaging in long, frustrating conversations, and over time we began to develop our own blended family story.

A major area of contention was discipline. Rachel seemed to have mastered the importance of discipleship in discipline—the idea of disciplining not to punish but to help a child change his or her behavior—but this was a real struggle for me (and still is at times). But we made a lot of progress in this area, and as we began to parent as one, we saw a major shift in our marriage and family dynamic.

Until the custody battle began!

In this devotional, I share my journey of supporting my spouse through a custody battle. My desire is that you will walk away from reading this knowing how you can support your spouse during his or her custody battle—and why your support is so essential.

from How to Support Your Spouse Through A Custody Battle

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2nd Marriage Step Father-mother ZZ

7 Day Devotional for the Stepparent – Day 7

‘Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.’ Philippians 4:6-7(NLT)

There’s one more “P” you might consider. Prayer. As parent and stepparent you need to constantly bather the process of presenting in prayer. The principles we’ve given you provide a basic road map, but you need God’s wisdom to know when to zig or zag, when to keep going, and when to back up and start again. Prayer will keep you humble and listening. Praying together will keep your hearts connected and unified. 

If after reading this study you realize mistakes have been made, regroup as a couple. Talk about what you’ve learned and decide how to proceed. Apologies may need to be made. You may need to recalibrate your roles, expectations, and efforts going forward. You may need to strive to heal specific relationships—maybe even the entire family. Prayerfully develop you plan together and be patient with yourselves as you step into the future.

Something to consider: How are you doing with the five principles of healthy stepparenting? What are strengths right now and which need improvement?

from 7 Day Devotional for the Stepparent

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2nd Marriage Step Father-mother ZZ

7 Day Devotional for the Stepparent – Day 6

‘Loyalty makes a person attractive. It is better to be poor than dishonest.’ Proverbs 19:22(NLT)

The ups and downs of stepparenting can be discouraging. And for many, the temptation is to emotionally withdraw to sulk or punish, to get angry, to retreat into your own children, or to just give up. Well, we’d rather you be stubborn. Stubbornly persistent, that is, in gently pursuing the child.

Sometimes the door is open to you, but you have to persist for a very different reason. In total, John and Kerri had three kids in their blended family. His youngest is a Physical Touch child. Her son and his older daughter both respond best to Quality Time. The problem is, John’s kids spend most of their time at their mother’s house where they receive very little Touch or Time from their mom or stepdad.  “At their house, kids are expected to occupy themselves and if they ask for some attention, in effect, they are told to ‘go away,’” John lamented. “If anything, they are told what they are doing wrong and that’s about it. We sort of have to make up for that with extra cuddle time and conversation when they come to our house on Friday nights. We have to make the most of our time with them.”

Kerri’s stepchildren were hesitant to receive love from her when they weren’t getting it from their biological mom. But Kerri doesn’t mind persisting for their sake. “When you love your kids well, it makes it easier for them to carry that love with them to the other home. We can’t make their mom love them better, but we can fill them up before we send them over there.” 

“And here’s the biggest surprise,” said John. “We’ve even noticed this has changed my ex-wife’s attitude toward co-parenting with us. We used to have a toxic relationship with her, but we made a decision that regardless of what came at us we were going to love her however we could. The easiest way to do that is to love my kids well so when they leave here their cup is full. She feels our respect and kindness through the kids and it’s making a difference in how she responds to us. She called me recently—usually she is angry about something—but she didn’t complain about anything or criticize us; she just wanted to coordinate our calendars. I couldn’t believe how considerate she was.”

Did you catch that? No matter their age, loving your kids well fills their cup and helps them cope with life in the other home—and might just help change the attitude of your co-parent toward you.

from 7 Day Devotional for the Stepparent

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2nd Marriage Step Father-mother ZZ

7 Day Devotional for the Stepparent – Day 5

‘Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony. ‘ Colossians 3:12-14(NLT)

Blended family complexity means patience is a must. “My stepson and I can find a good rhythm together in giving and receiving love —until he goes to his mom’s house for a few days. After that, he’s different with me for a while and we have to re-group.” This is a common experience for stepparents. Patience in that season is a must. 

You can also be patient with yourself. “In the beginning I felt so overwhelmed.  I had to step back and take a breather every once in a while, and when I felt like I could give again without feeling resentful that my stepkids weren’t speaking my love language.”  This form of self-care is wise, but be sure to explain to your spouse what you’re doing so they don’t resent you pulling back a little.

Ironically, eagerness trips up many well-intentioned stepparents. It sets you up to give without limits and expect it to be appreciated. Many “wicked stepmothers” are really just overly eager caregivers who are trying to make everything right for a child who has been through many painful experiences. Repairing the child’s life and being desperate for the child’s love and acceptance make many stepmoms appear to be overbearing and emotionally fragile.

from 7 Day Devotional for the Stepparent

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2nd Marriage Step Father-mother ZZ

7 Day Devotional for the Stepparent – Day 4

‘We know what real love is because Jesus gave up his life for us. So we also ought to give up our lives for our brothers and sisters. If someone has enough money to live well and sees a brother or sister in need but shows no compassion—how can God’s love be in that person? Dear children, let’s not merely say that we love each other; let us show the truth by our actions. ‘ 1 John 3:16-18(NLT)

A child’s “pace” should inform a stepparent’s pursuit of their heart. Gauge a child’s level of openness to you and match it.

Normally, we caution you to not be pushy with your love toward your stepchild, nor demanding love from them. But the principle of pace trumps all of that. If a child has thrown herself wide open to you, disregard the general precautions and go for it! However, matching their level of openness also means backing off if they are closed or uncertain of how to receive you. Sometimes it’s not personal at all; their visitation schedule or life situation can determine how much time you are together. You have to make the most of what they give you and the opportunities you have and trust that time will multiply the impact.

from 7 Day Devotional for the Stepparent

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2nd Marriage Step Father-mother ZZ

7 Day Devotional for the Stepparent – Day 3

‘Dear friends, let us continue to love one another, for love comes from God. Anyone who loves is a child of God and knows God. But anyone who does not love does not know God, for God is love. God showed how much he loved us by sending his one and only Son into the world so that we might have eternal life through him. This is real love—not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to take away our sins. Dear friends, since God loved us that much, we surely ought to love each other. No one has ever seen God. But if we love each other, God lives in us, and his love is brought to full expression in us.’ 1 John 4:7-12(NLT)

‘So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other. Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples.”’ John 13:34-35(NLT)

If you want to make anew friend you have to extend yourself in their direction—and you must do so in ways that make it more likely they will open themselves to you, and perhaps, pursue you back. Smart stepparents continually pursue the liking of their stepchildren. Be fun and warm. Smile at them. Spend time doing things they enjoy. If you aren’t approachable, don’t be surprised if they don’t want to hang out.

If your stepchildren are adults, keep in mind your initial goal is being friendly, not necessarily openly “loving.” If we gave you an assignment of making friends with a new neighbor, you probably wouldn’t introduce yourself and immediately give them a bear hug and kiss on the cheek. Make friendliness your initial goal. That will likely be more palatable for them.

No matter a child’s age, it could be that both of you are just now learning about the love languages. But it could also be that the biological parent knows their child’s love language and the stepparent is just now exploring this. The biological parent has much to share, but both of you should know the upheavals of the past may have created traumatic experiences for a child that have altered or even soured their love language.

Now here’s the catch for stepparents. Pursuing makes you vulnerable; it hands power over to a child, especially one who is closed toward you. The least invested person in any relationship always has the most power. This is another reason to partner with your spouse who can shut down any manipulation.

In addition, don’t let your pursuit turn you into a pushover. You can still say “No” and risk disappointing the child; in fact if you don’t they may never respect you. Rather, walk the line of deepening your friendship and trust in one another while remaining the adult in charge.

As if all this weren’t complicated enough, you need to consider your biological child’s feelings as you reach out to your step-kid. One stepdad asked, “How do you balance giving gifts to a stepchild in front of your own child, whose love language isn’t Gifts, but still sees the other child receive something from me?” The answer is to continue loving each child as best he can. Not everything has to be equal but it should be fairly equitable. 

from 7 Day Devotional for the Stepparent

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2nd Marriage Step Father-mother ZZ

7 Day Devotional for the Stepparent – Day 2

‘The Lord God placed the man in the Garden of Eden to tend and watch over it. But the Lord God warned him, “You may freely eat the fruit of every tree in the garden— except the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. If you eat its fruit, you are sure to die.” Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him.” So the Lord God formed from the ground all the wild animals and all the birds of the sky. He brought them to the man to see what he would call them, and the man chose a name for each one. He gave names to all the livestock, all the birds of the sky, and all the wild animals. But still there was no helper just right for him. So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep. While the man slept, the Lord God took out one of the man’s ribs and closed up the opening. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib, and he brought her to the man. “At last!” the man exclaimed. “This one is bone from my bone, and flesh from my flesh! She will be called ‘woman,’ because she was taken from ‘man.’” This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ Genesis 2:15-24(NLT)

‘“Haven’t you read the Scriptures?” Jesus replied. “They record that from the beginning ‘God made them male and female.’” And he said, “‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together.”’ Matthew 19:4-6(NLT)

Partnering is about strengthening your coupleness so you can love and lead your children well together. You need to partner in two ways. 

First, you need a strong marriage. A solid, reliable relationship is what fuels both partners’ ability to do the work of parenting and in the case of the stepparent, empowers them to be part of the authority team. Parenting is hard work; it takes a lot out of us. What spurs us to invest so much of ourselves in our children is, for many, a relationship with the Divine (who continuously pours love into our hearts), and a healthy marriage.

Secondly, you must partner around your roles in parenting and play to each other’s strengths. Biological parents have a clearly defined role and relationship with their children. On day one, stepparents have neither. They are substitute parents. And without the biological parent’s support and backing, they may be unable to parent children well. Which brings us to the subject of child behavior management. 

People sometimes confuse discipline and punishment. Discipline is about training a child. It’s about building their character and teaching them the ethics of life. Punishment is about correction and consequence. It is a negative form of discipline. Stepparents can on day one in the family slow-cooker offer discipline to a child, but should punish sparingly until a clear bond and trust is established.

When biological parents take the lead on handing down punishment to a child, they are playing to their strength and partnering with the stepparent by not putting them in a tough situation. When they communicate to their children that the stepparent “is in charge while I’m gone,” they are giving the sub a chance to be successful. And when they gently insist that their teenager act respectful, they are giving the substitute parent a chance to be viewed as an authority in the home.

Over time, stepparents can clarify their relationship with stepchildren and gain tremendous influence and authority in their life. In most cases, as your relationship deepens with a child, so will your role in their life.

from 7 Day Devotional for the Stepparent