Category: 2nd Marriage

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1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

Your Marriage is a Story

‘You killed the author of life, but God raised him from the dead. And we are witnesses of this fact!’ Acts of the Apostles 3:15(NLT)

‘The only letter of recommendation we need is you yourselves. Your lives are a letter written in our hearts; everyone can read it and recognize our good work among you. Clearly, you are a letter from Christ showing the result of our ministry among you. This “letter” is written not with pen and ink, but with the Spirit of the living God. It is carved not on tablets of stone, but on human hearts.’ 2(NLT)

‘The Lord rewarded me for doing right; he restored me because of my innocence. For I have kept the ways of the Lord ; I have not turned from my God to follow evil. I have followed all his regulations; I have never abandoned his decrees. I am blameless before God; I have kept myself from sin. The Lord rewarded me for doing right. He has seen my innocence.’ Psalms 18:20-24(NLT)

Whether you’re still dating or have been married for decades, you are in a story. 

In particular, you’re in your marriage story. 

That may seem like a strange idea. But our lives are, in fact, a “text.” God is referred to as the author of your life. 

“and you killed the Author of life, whom God raised from the dead. To this we are witnesses.” (Acts‬ ‭3:15‬ ‭ESV‬‬)

Paul refers to life as a “letter…written on our hearts.” 

“You yourselves are our letter of recommendation, written on our hearts, to be known and read by all. And you show that you are a letter from Christ delivered by us, written not with ink but with the Spirit of the living God, not on tablets of stone but on tablets of human hearts.” (‭‭2 Corinthians‬ ‭3:2-3‬ ‭ESV‬‬)

But think for a moment: what kind of written word has real impact? What is it that touches people’s hearts? 

When you want to share important moments about yourself with someone else, you probably don’t call it your “life letter.” You call it your “life story.”

So when you see your life as something that God has a hand on — whether it is the “text of your life” or the “book of your heart” — the most vivid way to think about it is as a story.

“GOD made my life complete when I placed all the pieces before him. When I got my act together, he gave me a fresh start. Now I’m alert to GOD ’s ways; I don’t take God for granted. Every day I review the ways he works; I try not to miss a trick. I feel put back together, and I’m watching my step. GOD rewrote the text of my life when I opened the book of my heart to his eyes.” (‭Psalm‬ ‭18:20-24‬ ‭MSG‬‬)

So if your life is part of a story, it means your marriage is also a story. 

Many couples focus on their engagement story. After all, isn’t that one of the most common questions asked, “How did you meet? How did he or you propose?”

But if the stories you tell others and each other before you get married are important, shouldn’t the story of your marriage be just as meaningful and rich?

If this is true, then every married couple should invest in knowing the difference between a good story and a bad story.

In the next lesson, we’ll look at that very thing.

Questions:

  1. How would you describe your current “marriage story” right now?
  2. If you were to be asked what makes for a “good” marriage story, what do you think the important elements should be?

from Your Marriage Story

Categories
1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

Servant Communication

‘For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve others and to give his life as a ransom for many.”’ Mark 10:45(NLT)

Introduction

Believe it or not, this is the last session of this study. But there’s one more thing that’s vital to know if you want to take communication in your marriage to the next level.

Once we know our spouse’s communication dynamic and train ourselves to really listen, we can discovery a life-altering truth: communication is not about us.

Tension

Remember our definition of effective communication from earlier in the study: when the receiver responds as intended.

Why is that definition so easy to understand but hard to achieve? How do you make sure effective communication happens? 

Truth

Focus on your spouse, not on yourself. That’s the definition of servant communication.

God has placed you in a union where you can learn what it’s like to have a servant’s heart every day. Through your marriage, you can see how God is working in you, growing you.

Application

Marriage isn’t difficult. 

That probably sounds incorrect considering how difficult we often make marriage. But if we stop making marriage about ourselves, it becomes as simple as performing small acts of service every day.

Over time, those small acts create connection. They draw us closer to our spouse.

Remember:

  • You cannot NOT communicate.
  • Everyone communicates differently.
  • Everyone has their own way of communicating. It is not right or wrong; it’s just them.

Bottom Line

Servant communication is not about you.

from Closer Connection

Categories
1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

Are You Truly Listening?

‘Unfriendly people care only about themselves; they lash out at common sense. Fools have no interest in understanding; they only want to air their own opinions.’ Proverbs 18:1-2(NLT)

Introduction

Perhaps the biggest obstacle to effective communication is our inability to listen.

This session, we’ll learn a technique that can help anyone to learn how to listen . . . really listen.

Tension

Were you ever taught how to listen? Most of us weren’t. It’s said that most people listen not to understand, but to answer.

Truth

A well-stated problem is 90 percent solved. If we listen more and understand truly what’s wrong, the problem is almost solved.

We want to solve things quickly, so we rush toward an answer as soon as someone begins to give us information. But sometimes the answer is to listen . . . and understand.

Application

Remember LURE:

Listen

  • Stay focused on your spouse.
  • Remove distractions (television, phone, etc.)
  • Don’t develop solutions.
  • Focus on emotions, importance, assumptions, and unclear thoughts.
  • Ask questions for clarity, to show interest, and to demonstrate concern.

Understand

  • Paraphrase your spouse’s comments.
  • Frequently check for understanding.
  • Ask short clarifying questions; clear up assumptions.
  • Allow your spouse to continue without interruption.

Repeat

  • If your spouse doesn’t agree that you paraphrased their comments correctly, return to the Listen step.
  • If your spouse agrees with your paraphrase, move to the next step.

Experience

  • Experience a stress-free conversation.
  • You may now begin to resolve the issue, if necessary.

This is difficult to do every day, all of the time. But you don’t need to do that. LURE is best used when conversations are intense.

When stress is escalating, LURE:

  1. Slows things down.
  2. Allows your spouse to process through their filters and then verify they understand what you’re communicating.

Bottom Line

Most people do not listen to understand, but rather to answer.

from Closer Connection

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1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

Taking the Stress Out of Communication

‘Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. ‘ James 1:19(NLT)

Introduction

Understanding the differences in our communication dynamics is the first step in easing communication tensions in marriage.

Now that we understand ourselves and how we like to communicate, it’s time to look at where we aren’t communicating well with our spouse.

Tension

If our relationship with our spouse is the most intimate of our lives, why is it sometimes so difficult to understand and be understood?

Truth

If we heed James’s warning and slow down, we can pay attention to where our spouse is coming from. We can help them to help us communicate more effectively.

Opposition creates stress. If we only focus on our own communication dynamic, we create stress for our spouse and ourselves. 

If your spouse’s communication dynamic is different than your own, he or she probably won’t react to your attempts to communicate in ways that you’d predict or maybe even desire. 

Is that wrong? No. It’s just different than you.

Application

How do you deal with your differences?

  1. Know your spouse’s communication dynamic.
  2. Learn to speak their dynamic.

Bottom Line

You can speak your spouse’s language . . . once you know it.

from Closer Connection

Categories
1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

Conversationally Unique

‘Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.’ Psalms 139:14(NLT)

Introduction

God created each of us to be unique—and that includes the dynamic of how we communicate.

How different are you and your spouse? For many couples, opposites really do attract. For others, you’re a lot alike. But no matter your specific situation, you’re different from your spouse in key ways.

Tension

Last session, we said that you and your spouse were created differently by God for His purposes. But if God created us uniquely, how do we discover our uniqueness?

Truth

Why do we get upset when our spouses don’t give us back what we want from a conversation? We’re all tempted to try to make our spouse more like ourselves. But that’s not God’s plan for marriage.

Application

Communication isn’t one size fits all.

We each have preferred ways of giving and receiving information. Knowing what you and your spouse’s preferences are could be a game changer. 

We each have all four communication dynamics. But all of the things that influence our communication—people, events, how we grew up—determine which dynamics are strong and weak for each of us.

Bottom Line

Everyone has a preferred way to communicate. It’s not right or wrong. It’s just who they are.

from Closer Connection

Categories
1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

Of Course I’m Listening

‘But our bodies have many parts, and God has put each part just where he wants it. How strange a body would be if it had only one part! Yes, there are many parts, but only one body. ‘ 1 Corinthians 12:18-20(NLT)

‘For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord . “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. ‘ Jeremiah 29:11(NLT)

Introduction

Listening is vital to effective communication, but being a good listener may be trickier than you think.

We tend to think of communication as talking, but it’s not that simple. We connect with each other in many ways. Communication happens whenever contact is made—verbal or non-verbal.

Tension

The problem is that the complexities of communication—especially non-verbal communication—can lead to misunderstandings. This is compounded by the fact partners in a marriage are unique individuals who often see and interpret things differently. 

Truth

We are created differently by God.

As a couple, your differences fit together for God’s purposes. But you have to resist the temptation to try to make your spouse like you. Instead, try to understand how God made them.

Words, tone of voice, and body language affect a listener’s understanding— whether you’re communicating in person, on the phone, or by text or email. 

Application

Filters also affect how effectively we communicate. We each have filters that affect how we understand a message. 

  • The WIIFM (What’s In It For Me?) filter
  • The MMFI (Make Me Feel Important) filter

Chances are, your spouse wants to know he or she is more important to you than whatever it is you’re talking or disagreeing about.

False Filters

People and experiences in our past also create personal filters—and many of those personal filters are untrue. 

For example, if you grew up feeling like you were never good enough, you’re more likely to read others’ words, tone of voice, and body language as belittling or distrusting. That may not be what the other person is trying to communicate at all, but you are conditioned to interpret it that way—especially during conflict.

It’s important to take the time to do the work necessary to replace your false filters with God’s truth.

Bottom Line

Everyone communicates differently.

from Closer Connection

Categories
1st Marriage 2nd Marriage

Servant Communication

‘But Moses pleaded with the Lord , “O Lord, I’m not very good with words. I never have been, and I’m not now, even though you have spoken to me. I get tongue-tied, and my words get tangled.” Then the Lord asked Moses, “Who makes a person’s mouth? Who decides whether people speak or do not speak, hear or do not hear, see or do not see? Is it not I, the Lord ? Now go! I will be with you as you speak, and I will instruct you in what to say.”’ Exodus 4:10-12(NLT)

Introduction

Believe it or not, this is the last session of this study. But there’s one more thing that’s vital to know if you want to take communication in your marriage to the next level.

Once we know our spouse’s communication dynamic and train ourselves to really listen, we can discovery a life-altering truth: communication is not about us.

Tension

Remember our definition of effective communication from earlier in the study: when the receiver responds as intended.

Why is that definition so easy to understand but hard to achieve? How do you make sure effective communication happens? 

Truth

Focus on your spouse, not on yourself. That’s the definition of servant communication.

God has placed you in a union where you can learn what it’s like to have a servant’s heart every day. Through your marriage, you can see how God is working in you, growing you.

Application

Marriage isn’t difficult. 

That probably sounds incorrect considering how difficult we often make marriage. But if we stop making marriage about ourselves, it becomes as simple as performing small acts of service every day.

Over time, those small acts create connection. They draw us closer to our spouse.

Remember:

  • You cannot NOT communicate.
  • Everyone communicates differently.
  • Everyone has their own way of communicating. It is not right or wrong; it’s just them.

Bottom Line

Servant communication is not about you.

from Closer Connection

Categories
2nd Marriage Step Father-mother ZZ

Do not be a dull axe

‘As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend.’ Proverbs 27:17(NLT)

“Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.”

No one wants to be a dull axe. We want to be a sharp axe, effective in the hand of God. 

This will not happen if we’re apart from certain people in our lives. Wise people, godly people, humble people. People who care. We need people in our lives who love Jesus and love us. We need people who will love us enough to challenge, affirm, and encourage us. We need people who care enough to listen to us and understand us. We need people who will pray for us and pray with us. We need people who will model what it means to passionately pursue Christ.

For example, if you want to love God more, it helps immensely to be around people who are great lovers of God. Or, if you want to be a better husband or wife, it helps tremendously to spend time with people who are great husbands or wives. We need to see the life of Christ incarnated in our midst. It’s just the way God has made us.

Furthermore, this sharpening does not happen at a distance. It does not even happen at arm’s length. It happens when people get close. It happens when we let people into our lives and into our hearts. It happens when we take a risk and get real. It happens when we let people get close enough to see our struggles and our fears.

Iron doesn’t sharpen iron from a distance. Iron doesn’t sharpen iron unless there are a few sparks along the way. It might even get heated at times.

This is not the easy way. If you want the easy way, don’t let people get too close. But you will never be sharp in the hands of God. You’ll never be effective for the kingdom. You won’t be all that God intended you to be.

So what can you do? Be intentional. Let people into your heart. Care enough to reach out to others. Join a small group and raise the bar in it. Find a mentor. Find someone to mentor. Be real. Open your heart. Take a risk. Invite people to speak into your life. Do life with other people. Love boldly.

“Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.”

from Wisdom For Your Marriage

Categories
2nd Marriage Step Father-mother ZZ

Soft words vs. Harsh words

‘A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare.’ Proverbs 15:1(NLT)

When you are in a dispute and your frustration is rising, when you feel hurt and angry and you want to lash out, the Bible has a simple, practical principle: be gentle. Use soft words, a soft tone, and gentle gestures, for the Bible teaches us, “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”

You probably know what that’s like. Most of us have responded with harsh words at one time. Some of us have done that more often than we care to admit. Harsh words don’t help things, do they? They stir up anger. Whether you are right, wrong, or some mixture of both, harsh words don’t help the conflict.

It’s just the way life works. It’s not just what we say, but how we say it.

Perhaps this principle applies to marriage more than anywhere else. When you live with someone and seek to merge two lives into one, there will be friction. There will be conflict. Oh, how valuable Proverbs 15:1 can be for conflict in marriage. Every couple ought to adopt this verse as a firm rule of thumb for conflict and decide, “We don’t rant and rave. We don’t shout and yell. We don’t call each other names. We don’t speak harshly. We obey God and speak softly. It doesn’t matter if my parents yelled—we don’t yell. We obey God, for a soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”

Marriage may be the prime application, but the principle of Proverbs 15:1 applies to all of life. When you’re upset at your high schooler, your grade schooler, or your preschooler: soft! When you are in a meeting at work and you feel disrespected and insulted: soft! When a careless, selfish driver cuts you off on the freeway: soft! When the clerk is a bit rude to you: soft! In a thousand situations, in all of life, practice the Proverbs 15:1 principle: “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” By the power of the Spirit, make this the way you live your life. 

from Wisdom For Your Marriage

Categories
2nd Marriage Step Father-mother ZZ

Blessed sex

‘Let your wife be a fountain of blessing for you. Rejoice in the wife of your youth. She is a loving deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts satisfy you always. May you always be captivated by her love.’ Proverbs 5:18-19(NLT)

Sex is God’s idea. It is God’s creation. It is God’s gift.

The Bible is completely positive about sex in marriage. Consider Proverbs 5:18-19, a passage that is almost embarrassingly candid and expressive:

“Let your fountain be blessed, 

and rejoice in the wife of your youth,

a lovely deer, a graceful doe.

Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight;

be intoxicated always in her love.”

God is saying to every married couple: “Enjoy your sexual relationship. This is my gift to you. Have fun! Husbands, take delight in the playful beauty and gracefulness of your wife’s body. Be intoxicated, ravished, by her love.”

This may not be the way you thought of God and sex, but this is the biblical perspective. Sex is God’s gift. In itself, sex is completely good.

Yes, sex can be abused. It is like fire. In the fireplace, fire is a good thing, giving warmth and light. But out of the fireplace, fire can do great damage.

Sex is that way. It is completely good in marriage, but outside of marriage, it can do great damage. Sex needs the context of a loving, committed, trust-filled marriage. Sex needs this context because it is so powerful.

Sex is not just the merger of two bodies, but the merger of two hearts and two souls. Whenever a man and a woman have sex, there is a channel cut between their souls, a channel of emotional and spiritual intimacy. A channel intended by God to express tender love and deep oneness.

You cannot do that casually. You can only do that within the safety and security of lifetime love. No wonder people get so hurt when they abuse God’s gift of sex.

Sex is good. Enjoy it to the hilt in marriage, but only in marriage. It is simply too powerful for any place other than a committed, loving, and secure marriage. 

from Wisdom For Your Marriage