Category: 2nd Marriage

Categories
1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

The DIY Guide To Building A Family That Lasts – Day 1

‘Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud ‘ 1 Corinthians 13:4(NLT)

‘For wherever there is jealousy and selfish ambition, there you will find disorder and evil of every kind.’ James 3:16(NLT)

Home Improvement Goal: 

Demolish Selfishness

Home Improvement Tool:

Build Kindness

Selfishness in the family makes us feel cramped for space and time. We can’t touch each other’s stuff without backlash. We may be criticized if we want or take time to ourselves. Or we may fail to understand or offer help to each other when that help could go a long way in easing another’s stress. Although the physical space issues that necessitate sharing can be annoying, the selfish attitudes behind the backlash, criticism, or lack of understanding can be even more frustrating.

We hear about this all the time as we counsel families. Nearly everyone would like to build a family less selfish and more kind. 

Why kindness? 

You’ve been kind throughout your life, so you know what kindness is. It’s making sure your spouse has his or her favorite peanut butter as opposed to buying the cheaper brand you’d prefer to buy; it’s listening to your spouse or child vent when you’d prefer to be reading your magazine or taking a nap; and it’s giving up watching your favorite home improvement television show so that you can spend time with your child who wants to watch SpongeBob.

Why are you kind? Why did someone else’s consideration of you matter? I believe the answer is the same for both questions—consideration makes people feel like their needs matter. We want our loved ones to know their needs matter to us, and we want to know that our needs matter to them. Selfishness, on the other hand, conveys the opposite—that our needs are more important than their needs. Just as no physical home is perfect, no home life is perfect. We’re human, so we know to expect some selfishness. But the less selfishness and the more kindness, the better!

from The DIY Guide To Building A Family That Lasts

Categories
2nd Marriage Step Father-mother ZZ

Be Vulnerable

‘So be strong and courageous, all you who put your hope in the Lord !’ Psalms 31:24(NLT)

Want a great suggestion for deepening a friendship? It starts with you sharing you. 

Ever notice that when someone is transparent and shares a vulnerability about themselves, we tend to respect them a little more? We admire their courage, and we feel like they’re more approachable—like it’s safe to be close to them. We also feel like we can trust them with our own vulnerabilities. And when both people share their real selves, the relationship takes a leap forward. 

Now think about this: Stepfamily members can do the same thing. I’ve watched adult stepchildren share something personal about themselves with a parent’s new spouse, and somehow it opens the door to friendship. I’ve also seen stepparents endear their stepkids to them just by sharing a story about a hard life-lesson they learned in their younger days, or one of their most embarrassing moments. 

Sure, it takes courage to put yourself out there. But courage is where great relationships begin. 

Father, help me be courageous enough to allow my loved ones to see my real self. 

________________________________

© 2018 by FamilyLife. Excerpted with permission from Daily Encouragement for the Smart Stepfamily by Ron L. Deal with Dianne Neal Matthews, Bethany House Publishers. Get more daily encouragement with this 365-day devotional that will keep your family blending and bonding throughout the year.

from Daily Encouragement For The Smart Stepfamily

Categories
2nd Marriage Step Father-mother ZZ

Get on the Same Page

‘My child, listen when your father corrects you. Don’t neglect your mother’s instruction. What you learn from them will crown you with grace and be a chain of honor around your neck.’ Proverbs 1:8-94(NLT)

Every blended family is a cross-cultural experience. I mean, when you think about it, you’re essentially merging two cultures. Language, traditions, inside jokes, the meaning we attach to certain words and actions…the list could go on. And merging parenting expectations is part of this as well. For example, he always made his kids pick up their toys before coming to the dinner table. She let her kids clean them up after dinner. So who’s right? Which style should they adopt as they merge the two cultures into one? 

Actually, I don’t know the answer. I’ve searched the Scriptures and can’t find a single passage about clean-up time. What I can tell you is this: For the sake of your marriage and your family, the most important thing is that you both end up on the same side. So go ahead and talk, negotiate, and share your perspectives. In the end, choose a path you will both support. And then you’ll have the right answer for your family. 

Father, keep us patient, considerate, and willing to compromise as we move through the process of blending our two cultures into a single, united identity for our family.

________________________________

© 2018 by FamilyLife. Excerpted with permission from Daily Encouragement for the Smart Stepfamily by Ron L. Deal with Dianne Neal Matthews, Bethany House Publishers. Get more daily encouragement with this 365-day devotional that will keep your family blending and bonding throughout the year. 

from Daily Encouragement For The Smart Stepfamily

Categories
2nd Marriage Step Father-mother ZZ

Connected by Grace

‘He is so rich in kindness and grace that he purchased our freedom with the blood of his Son and forgave our sins. He has showered his kindness on us, along with all wisdom and understanding. God has now revealed to us his mysterious will regarding Christ—which is to fulfill his own good plan. And this is the plan: At the right time he will bring everything together under the authority of Christ—everything in heaven and on earth. ‘ Ephesians 1:7-104(NLT)

No matter how you’re connected to a stepfamily—whether you’re a grandparent, a stepsibling, a stepparent, or just a step-uncle-in-law—I want you to remember this: grace connects, but possessiveness divides. 

You know, the essential story of a stepfamily is someone leaving and someone joining a family. And whenever this happens, even under the best of circumstances, parents and kids feel some degree of insecurity. Unfortunately, that insecurity tempts us to become possessive—to pull some people towards us and to push others away. But our jealousy and possessiveness create division and conflict among family members. It also promotes resentment toward us.

What brings peace is a spirit of grace, especially toward people we don’t know very well. Stepchildren to stepparents; stepsibling to stepsibling; former wife to new wife. 

So remember the grace that God has lavished on you, then turn around and freely offer it to others.

Lord, remove any spirit of possessiveness from our family. Help us be grace-filled in all our interactions with each other.

________________________________

© 2018 by FamilyLife. Excerpted with permission from Daily Encouragement for the Smart Stepfamily by Ron L. Deal with Dianne Neal Matthews, Bethany House Publishers. Get more daily encouragement with this 365-day devotional that will keep your family blending and bonding throughout the year.

from Daily Encouragement For The Smart Stepfamily

Categories
2nd Marriage Step Father-mother ZZ

Steal a Kiss

‘Let your wife be a fountain of blessing for you. Rejoice in the wife of your youth. She is a loving deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts satisfy you always. May you always be captivated by her love.’ Proverbs 5:18-194(NLT)

One way to keep oxygen flowing to your marriage is to steal a kiss. Well, actually you’re not really stealing it; you’re drawing on your own bank account of affection. What you are stealing is a moment. A moment out of a hectic day, away from stress. A moment to step aside from the parenting role and remember the special bond you share as husband and wife. 

Ironically, this type of stealing is also a way of giving. You see, “the kiss” is a much-needed point of connection. Research shows that when you have intimate moments built into your day, you oxygenate your marriage. Habits like a warm hug before work, a funny text exchanged, or a shared recreational activity. These little routines help sustain your marriage in the midst of life’s pressures.

So your mission for today: find your moment and steal a kiss. As you do, you’ll breathe new life into your marriage relationship. And that leads to a healthier family for everyone involved.

Loving Father, help me never be too busy or grow too complacent to give my marriage the high priority it deserves. Teach me the best ways to make my beloved feel valued and cherished.

________________________________

© 2018 by FamilyLife. Excerpted with permission from Daily Encouragement for the Smart Stepfamily by Ron L. Deal with Dianne Neal Matthews, Bethany House Publishers. Get more daily encouragement with this 365-day devotional that will keep your family blending and bonding throughout the year.

from Daily Encouragement For The Smart Stepfamily

Categories
2nd Marriage Step Father-mother ZZ

Learn All You Can

‘These are the proverbs of Solomon, David’s son, king of Israel. Their purpose is to teach people wisdom and discipline, to help them understand the insights of the wise. Their purpose is to teach people to live disciplined and successful lives, to help them do what is right, just, and fair. These proverbs will give insight to the simple, knowledge and discernment to the young. Let the wise listen to these proverbs and become even wiser. Let those with understanding receive guidance by exploring the meaning in these proverbs and parables, the words of the wise and their riddles. Fear of the Lord is the foundation of true knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and discipline.’ Proverbs 1:1-74(NLT)

One piece of advice I always give stepfamilies is this: Learn all you can about healthy stepfamily living. Sure, your general knowledge of marriage and parenting will prove helpful, but it’s the unique dynamics of stepfamily living that create stress and end up dividing families. So the smarter you are about relationships in your home, the better equipped you are to nurture and manage them. 

Seek out resources specifically developed for the blended family. Although advice meant for biological parents may sometimes be helpful, in some cases it can actually backfire on stepparents. You’ll have far more success with resources designed for the blended family home with all its unique circumstances and challenges—and yes, all its wonderful blessings, too. 

Getting “stepfamily smart” is the beginning of a successful stepfamily.

Father, you know the needs of our family even better than we do. Please lead us to the best resources that will help us understand how to build a strong, healthy family that honors you and blesses those around us.

________________________________

© 2018 by FamilyLife. Excerpted with permission from Daily Encouragement for the Smart Stepfamily by Ron L. Deal with Dianne Neal Matthews, Bethany House Publishers. Get more daily encouragement with this 365-day devotional that will keep your family blending and bonding throughout the year.

from Daily Encouragement For The Smart Stepfamily

Categories
2nd Marriage Step Father-mother ZZ

Remember Your Vows

‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ Genesis 2:244(NLT)

“…for better or for worse, till death do us part.” 

I heard these familiar words when I attended a wedding the other day. Now I’ve decided that it would be a good idea for every married person to attend a friend or family member’s wedding from time to time. Why? Because the wedding ceremony reminds you of what you once promised; it helps you remember the heart you had for your mate on the day you said, “I do.” And because sadly, life has a way of diluting and discoloring that day, but a wedding takes you back and refreshes those special memories.

Think for a moment about your vow to protect and honor one another. You promised to leave behind former loyalties and to cleave to each another. To sustain, as your ring symbolizes, a never-ending commitment. To make your marriage a statement about how God loves, desires, and pursues us. And to make oneness a top priority, till death do you part. That is worth remembering and the vow worth refreshing.

Father, we stand before you as one, renewing our promise to live each day as a flesh and blood illustration of your unconditional love and faithfulness. Amen. 

________________________________

© 2018 by FamilyLife. Excerpted with permission from Daily Encouragement for the Smart Stepfamily by Ron L. Deal with Dianne Neal Matthews, Bethany House Publishers. Get more daily encouragement with this 365-day devotional that will keep your family blending and bonding throughout the year.

from Daily Encouragement For The Smart Stepfamily

Categories
2nd Marriage Step Father-mother ZZ

Dress Up in Virtue

‘Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony. And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are called to live in peace. And always be thankful. Let the message about Christ, in all its richness, fill your lives. Teach and counsel each other with all the wisdom he gives. Sing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs to God with thankful hearts. And whatever you do or say, do it as a representative of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through him to God the Father.’ Colossians 3:12-174(NLT)

When you woke up today, you got to decide what clothes you wanted to put on, didn’t you? (That’s assuming you’re older than age two, in which case someone else probably chose for you. Or maybe not.) Colossians 3:12-14 tells us to “Put on compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, patience…and above all, love.”

Just as you choose your clothes every morning, you make a conscious decision whether or not to wear those virtues as you go throughout your day. And when you do put them on, you get the chance to reflect Jesus to your spouse, your children, your co-workers, your friends, and to the world. Now it might not feel natural at first, but the more you wear these clothes, the better they start to fit you.

So go on—get them out of the closet and get dressed for heaven’s sake. (Pun intended!)

Father, help me remember to begin each day by choosing to slip on the perfect outfit you’ve selected for me as described in Colossians 3. 

________________________________

© 2018 by FamilyLife. Excerpted with permission from Daily Encouragement for the Smart Stepfamily by Ron L. Deal with Dianne Neal Matthews, Bethany House Publishers. Get more daily encouragement with this 365-day devotional that will keep your family blending and bonding throughout the year.

from Daily Encouragement For The Smart Stepfamily

Categories
1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

The Beats to Your Marriage Story

‘But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness. ‘ 1 John 1:9(NLT)

‘God showed how much he loved us by sending his one and only Son into the world so that we might have eternal life through him. ‘ 1 John 4:9(NLT)

‘When Jesus had tasted it, he said, “It is finished!” Then he bowed his head and gave up his spirit.’ John 19:30(NLT)

‘For we died and were buried with Christ by baptism. And just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glorious power of the Father, now we also may live new lives.’ Romans 6:4(NLT)

‘He is so rich in kindness and grace that he purchased our freedom with the blood of his Son and forgave our sins. ‘ Ephesians 1:7(NLT)

‘And when he comes, he will open the eyes of the blind and unplug the ears of the deaf.’ Isaiah 35:5(NLT)

‘So Christ has truly set us free. Now make sure that you stay free, and don’t get tied up again in slavery to the law.’ Galatians 5:1(NLT)

In our first lesson, we shared how your marriage is a story. It’s one authored by God. 

Then in the second lesson, you learned that to craft a good marriage story, one should reflect the Gospel. 

Today we’re going to answer the question: how do you do that?

Here’s the answer: by taking a page from the writers of Hollywood blockbusters. Those experienced storytellers break down their scripts into “beats.” 

Many amazing stories share the same “beats” while having little else in common. For example, Harry Potter and Star Wars are two different, but popular, films. But writers often say that these two movies hit the same “beats.” And that by doing so, both have tapped into something that touches the world. 

So what are these critical “beats” your marriage story should hit to be a great story?

Let’s go through an abbreviated retelling of the Gospel to uncover seven of them: 

This love story between mankind and God begins as the perfect relationship.

However, humans disobey, ignore, and betray God over and over, damaging the once-perfect union.

Despite this, God forgives. Forgiveness is one of the critical beats of a love story. 

“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”

1 John‬ ‭1:9‬ ‭ESV‬‬

God seeks to restore the broken relationship from eternal separation. To do so, He sends his son on a great Adventure (second beat): to save the world. 

“In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him.”

1 John‬ ‭4:9‬ ‭ESV‬‬

Despite Jesus’ efforts to bring people the truth, mankind does not believe him. As a result, the rulers of the day murder him. For many, his Death (third beat) means all is lost. 

When Jesus had received the sour wine, he said, “It is finished,” and he bowed his head and gave up his spirit.

John 19:30

However, three days later, his Resurrection (fourth beat) proves that Jesus has the power to bring life to a dead relationship.

We were buried therefore with him by baptism into death, in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, we too might walk in newness of life.

Romans 6:4

Because he overcame death, Jesus paid down man’s debt to God. The Redemption (fifth beat) of mankind has been completed. 

In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace,

Ephesians 1:7

As a result of this miracle, some people have a Revelation (sixth beat) that changes their life: this is what true love looks like. 

Then the eyes of the blind will be opened

And the ears of the deaf will be unstopped.

Isaiah 35:5

With their eyes opened and their spirits reborn, they experience Freedom (seventh beat) from self-condemnation and religious bondage.

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.

Galatians 5:1

Each one of these seven beats is a key story point in the Gospel. 

But they can also show up in your own marriage story.

When you can unearth those and tell them as part of your marriage, your marriage gains strength, meaning, and purpose.

from Your Marriage Story

Categories
1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

How Should You Model Your Marriage Story?

‘All Scripture is inspired by God and is useful to teach us what is true and to make us realize what is wrong in our lives. It corrects us when we are wrong and teaches us to do what is right. God uses it to prepare and equip his people to do every good work.’ 2 Timothy 3:16-17(NLT)

‘This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.’ Ephesians 5:32-33(NLT)

If you do see your marriage as a story, as we learned in the previous lesson, the next likely question is the following: what makes for a good marriage story?

After all, some stories are good: you want to retell them, you want to reread or rewatch them. 

Some stories aren’t so good: reading or watching feels like a waste of time. Some are so bad you want to walk away in the middle.

Isn’t this similar to marriage? 

How, then, can you make sure your marriage is a good story?

Imagine the following: you’re about to board an all-day flight and can choose one of two books to bring. The first book was written by someone who studied the best stories in history, learned what were the key elements that made those stories so great. The second book was written by someone who was just winging it and has never even read a great story.

Which book would you bring on your flight? 

Most likely, you’d prefer the book written by a writer who read, studied, and appreciates good stories.

Couldn’t the same apply to your marriage story? That if you want a good marriage story, you should at least know of a good love story you can reference and study? 

Thankfully, the Bible is not just a love story, it’s a great love story. It’s not just one where the characters fall in love.

It’s a story where the readers, themselves, fall in love. 

In fact, the Scriptures liken the Gospel to a marriage. When Paul refers to Christ’s sacrifice for the church, he compares it to a husband’s love for his wife. 

“This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.”

Ephesians‬ ‭5:32-33‬ ‭ESV‬‬

We know that, in principle, the Gospel and all of the Scriptures have the power to shape the arc of our life. God, himself, is able to “rewrite the text of your life.” 

But how exactly does your marriage story retell this love story of the Bible? 

The way to do this is to borrow a technique used by screenwriters of blockbuster movies. 

Find out how in the next lesson. 

Questions:

  1. If you had to describe the Bible as a “love story,” what would you say?
  2. Why would someone have a marriage not modeled after a great love story?
  3. What could such a marriage look like?

from Your Marriage Story