Category: 1st Marriage

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1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

Till Death Do Us Part

‘“Haven’t you read the Scriptures?” Jesus replied. “They record that from the beginning ‘God made them male and female.’” And he said, “‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together.”’ Matthew 19:4-6(NLT)

‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ Genesis 2:24(NLT)

If only the marriage ceremony alone could result in the two becoming one flesh. In the eyes of the law, man and wife have certainly become one, but in reality, leaving and cleaving can take a lifetime. Ever seen couples that tend to think alike and react the same way when faced with the same situations? They didn’t get that way after their wedding night. It took years of building their relationship. Though stories of couples differ, one thing most agree to is that for a marriage to stand the test of time, you must be deliberate about making some decisions such as growing up, learning from wise counsel, and sticking to your marriage vows.

Couples must grow up and get rid of the sense of entitlement that people have, thinking that the world owes them favors and handouts and throw tantrums when they don’t get their way. Only helpless infants are permitted to have that kind of sense of entitlement. Work for want you want. You need to sow if you want to reap. And it’s the same in marriage. You cannot enter marriage feeling entitled to love, care, and pampering. You have to give it to get it. You have to take responsibility for the state of your marriage and how your home will turn out. 

Pride keeps many couples from getting help when they need it. You need to have a wise and trusted authority figure you respect and seek counsel from. Other people’s experiences are just as good to learn from. Don’t wait for problems to arise before seeking out mentors. Find them early and build a circle of strength and accountability around your marriage.

At a certain point in your marriage, when the full weight of your commitment hits you, you will need to decide whether or not you will check out of marriage-mentally, emotionally, or physically. When my wife and I faced stormy times in our marriage, separation seemed like the easier way out. In the seasons of trials, it seems a lot easier to give in than to push through the pain. Thankfully, we decided to stick with our vows and we are so glad that we did. Realize that what is on the other side of the trial is a solid marriage with a great spouse! Don’t quit.

Action Point: What will it take for you both to be together until ‘death do you part’? List out the things you believe are required and put your heart and might into achieving this.

from SOLID…Building the Marriage of your Dreams by Godman Akinlabi

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1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

Accept Your Differences

‘So God created human beings in his own image. In the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.’ Genesis 1:27(NLT)

‘Since everything God created is good, we should not reject any of it but receive it with thanks. ‘ 1 Timothy 4:4(NLT)

In marriage, you must distinguish between a weakness and a difference. A weakness is a disadvantage or a fault and should always be dealt with. A difference is the way in which two people or things are not alike. It’s simply a fact about the situation at hand.

In marriage, there are several areas outside the physical in which a couple differ such as background, race or tribe, education, vocation, personality type, and so on. The very nature of marriage involves two different parts coming together to make a more interesting whole. We sometimes forget that God made the man and the woman different and called both of them good. Compatibility is not about finding your clone but about finding the one who brings a different ingredient to the table that will match yours. 

Differences are neither life-threatening nor marriage-threatening. Upbringing tempts us to feel either inferior or superior to our spouses. You forget that none of us had anything to do with where we were born or raised, and therefore, deserve neither credit nor discredit. You both get to learn vital things that complement each other and not tear you apart. Do not let ignorance, prejudice or insecurities about your differences ruin your marriage. Approach differences with a sense of appreciation and adventure for a chance to learn something new and you might just grow to love that thing that is so different. You are different but special – fearfully and wonderfully made to complement not confound each other. Differences have a multiplier effect on life or living. They are to be celebrated, not tolerated.

Action Point: Show genuine interest in what makes your spouse different by choosing to share in one of such differences. Make a date of it, complete with smiles, laughter and an appreciation of what makes them tick.

from SOLID…Building the Marriage of your Dreams by Godman Akinlabi

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1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

Getting Out of Red – Maintaining a Fat Emotional Account

‘Better to be patient than powerful; better to have self-control than to conquer a city.’ Proverbs 16:32(NLT)

‘A hot-tempered person starts fights; a cool-tempered person stops them.’ Proverbs 15:18(NLT)

‘Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires. ‘ James 1:20(NLT)

Your emotions were given to you to master, not the other way around. When it comes to marriage, the way you manage your emotions can either make or break it. Are there times that your spouse has to tiptoe around your bad mood? Do you take out your frustrations at work on your family? Are you non-expressive when it comes to love but extremely expressive when it comes to anger? If you answered yes to these questions, then your emotional account is in the red.

Understand that currencies spent in relationships are primarily emotional. That’s why if you have been nasty to your spouse, you know better than to ask for a favor five minutes later; and if you were sweet to him or her, your request is less likely to be refused. In other words, you can cash an emotional cheque when you have emotional credit with your spouse. On the other hand, if you don’t feed your spouse with positive emotional energy, your emotional cheques will bounce! If all the emotions you spend in a relationship are negative, that account could close for good – by that I mean that your spouse will entertain thoughts on leaving and could one day act on it.

Your spouse deserves somebody who is open and loving. Do your best to conquer or manage that weakness. Sometimes it takes just a little communication. “Honey, I had a lousy day at work, I just need an hour to shake it off.” Within that hour, pray, listen to music, dance, shout, and do whatever is required to shake off that negative cloud. Your spouse will appreciate it and love you even more for it. Learn to manage your emotions for the good of your marriage. Let your positive attributes shine and minimize the effects of the negative. Most importantly, ensure that the primary emotion your spouse feels from you is love.

Action Point: Top it up. Do several things today that express your love for your spouse. I advise that you don’t cash your emotional cheque just yet. Let your deposits stay and yield interest.

from SOLID…Building the Marriage of your Dreams by Godman Akinlabi

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1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

Reignite the Fire

‘Let your wife be a fountain of blessing for you. Rejoice in the wife of your youth. She is a loving deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts satisfy you always. May you always be captivated by her love.’ Proverbs 5:18-19(NLT)

For many couples that waited for marriage to have sex, they can attest to the fact that staying pure was a challenge. Your chemistry before marriage was off the charts. Half the time, you needed a chaperone around to keep you accountable. So, it is very surprising when all that chemistry seems to have fizzled to nothingness when you eventually get married. How is it possible that people who couldn’t hold hands without feeling electricity now have no fire in the bedroom just a few months or years down the line?

The reason chemistry is so vibrant during courtship is because of the air of mystery surrounding your mate. Everything forbidden appears more exciting than it really is. When things are lawful or your entitlement, it is easy to take them for granted.

The key to keeping your sex life vibrant for decades in your marriage is being vigilant about disallowing familiarity as familiarity has a way of killing sexual chemistry.

When you’ve gotten married, you are used to seeing each other at your best and worst, and excitement can wane. Some men disdain their wives who have to take off their makeup at home and admire the flashy women at work. Get real. Those women don’t wake up or go to bed like that. You may not even recognize them without makeup! Women, that guy who looks like he stepped off the cover of GQ isn’t real. He probably has bad breath in the morning! Stop chasing a mirage. Don’t trade what is real for what is pure fiction. Instead, focus on rekindling the spark.

Revisit whatever it was that made intimacy great in the beginning. Revive it and guard it jealously. If you and your spouse have never enjoyed intimacy, however, you should have a serious talk about it.

Action Point: Be intentional about reigniting the fire, find out what makes your spouse tick in this regard, and then do it. Don’t hold on to wrongdoings during the day and use them to withdraw from your spouse at night.

from SOLID…Building the Marriage of your Dreams by Godman Akinlabi

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1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

No More Secrets

‘For everything that is hidden will eventually be brought into the open, and every secret will be brought to light. ‘ Mark 4:22(NLT)

‘A gossip goes around telling secrets, but those who are trustworthy can keep a confidence.’ Proverbs 11:13(NLT)

‘When arguing with your neighbor, don’t betray another person’s secret.’ Proverbs 25:9(NLT)

The lifeblood of a relationship is free and honest communication. Being secretive directly contradicts that because it means there are parts of yourself that you have chosen to withhold from your spouse. 

People often mistake being secretive for the ability to keep a secret. While the former is the concealment of intentions and information, the latter speaks of confidentiality, which is the quality of being trustworthy. 

Marriage is about intimacy. A word I often explain as ‘into-me-see’ – meaning, letting your spouse see all of you – the good and not-so-good parts. It’s about opening up to each other without shame. What you really want is someone who knows your worst flaws but chooses to love you regardless.

The thing about secrets is that they always come out and hurt the people you love. Secrets uncovered in marriage cause the discovering party to feel betrayed and sometimes trapped. It may suggest that you did not trust your spouse enough to fully open up to them. 

You need to give your spouse some credit – don’t assume that they will be unable to handle the weight of your secret. Are you keeping a secret from your spouse? Deliberately deepen the communication lines between yourselves. 

Action Point: Practice vulnerability. Start being more open with your spouse about the little things. Be deliberate about building trust.

from SOLID…Building the Marriage of your Dreams by Godman Akinlabi

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1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

Your Spouse, Your Friend

‘A friend is always loyal, and a brother is born to help in time of need.’ Proverbs 17:17(NLT)

‘Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love. ‘ Ephesians 4:2(NLT)

If you got a promotion today, who would you call first? When you suffer a loss or disappointment, whose comfort do you crave the most? Who can’t you wait to share that hilarious joke with? Who is it incredibly difficult for you to keep a secret from? That would be your best friend, right? Ideally, that best friend should also be your spouse. If they didn’t fall among your top three people to contact, you need to work on your friendship.

Friendship is the adhesive that holds the entire structure of your marriage together. Unlike passion, it is the foundation of a true and lasting relationship. Friendship trumps passion because in a crisis, sex may not cut it. If for some funny reason the passion fades, friendship will be what secures your relationship. 

A friend is someone who is honest with you, who wants the best for you and has the courage to tell you areas where you need change. Someone who you trust, talk to, share life’s experiences and interests with; someone you feel confident enough to be honest and vulnerable with. Many couples assume that marriage will automatically build friendship and this is false. Love and friendship are both choices but you must invest in the process of building a strong friendship with each other.

Action Point: Talk. Talk even about the mundane parts of your day; that’s what friends do. Every discussion doesn’t have to be intellectually stimulating. Sometimes communicate just to stay close.

from SOLID…Building the Marriage of your Dreams by Godman Akinlabi

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1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

Marriage: Contract or Covenant

‘Understand, therefore, that the Lord your God is indeed God. He is the faithful God who keeps his covenant for a thousand generations and lavishes his unfailing love on those who love him and obey his commands. ‘ Deuteronomy 7:9(NLT)

‘But the love of the Lord remains forever with those who fear him. His salvation extends to the children’s children of those who are faithful to his covenant, of those who obey his commandments!’ Psalms 103:17-18(NLT)

‘Now may the God of peace— who brought up from the dead our Lord Jesus, the great Shepherd of the sheep, and ratified an eternal covenant with his blood— may he equip you with all you need for doing his will. May he produce in you, through the power of Jesus Christ, every good thing that is pleasing to him. All glory to him forever and ever! Amen.’ Hebrews 13:20-21(NLT)

From outward appearances and many people’s experiences, it often looks like the costs of marriage outweigh the benefits. Many people give up before they get to the payoff. From God’s perspective—and ours, if we will trust Him and align ourselves with His truth—the benefits far outweigh the costs, and we will enjoy those benefits if we embrace the true nature of the marriage covenant. 

I believe one of the greatest determiners of marital fulfillment—and one of the greatest predictors of whether you make it through the storms—is the understanding you have going into marriage. Our perspective on marriage is profoundly shaped by our upbringing, our society, and our own expectations—and it is rarely spoken or acknowledged. 

That perspective or assumption is this: Do you see marriage as a contract or a covenant? Today, marriage is viewed primarily as a contract, a social construct, an agreement we enter into with another person for mutual benefit. By contrast, Scripture defines marriage not as a contract but as a holy covenant. Those words may come across as strange or a little archaic, but your understanding of covenant is what may very well hold your marriage together during the times it may want to unravel. 

A covenant is different from a contract because it is not just an agreement; it is a sacred promise. There may be some conditions written into it—there was a lot of “if you remain faithful” language in God’s covenant with Israel—but if the terms are met, it is unbreakable. It is a solemn agreement with binding force. 

Why is this so important? Because marriage is an impossible task without a permanent commitment. If you go through marriage with an escape clause—knowing in the back of your mind that you can get out if it becomes too difficult—you may not press through to the end. The covenant functions as a glue that keeps you together through the hard times. It becomes a gift, an act of grace that protects you and gives you the freedom and security to cultivate a healthy marriage. 

In your commitment to your marriage and to your spouse, your daily goal should be incremental progress. God will meet you at any point along the way and guide you with loving encouragement, correction, and strength. Bring your willing heart to Him, receive the guidance and power He gives you, and I am confident you will experience the satisfaction and fulfillment He designed you to enjoy. 

Are there any steps you need to take or commitments you need to make to align yourself more completely with God’s design for marriage?

from Marriage That Works by Chip Ingram

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1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

Loving Your Husband Sacrificially

‘For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.’ Ephesians 2:10(NLT)

‘So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.’ Ephesians 5:33(NLT)

‘Let us hold tightly without wavering to the hope we affirm, for God can be trusted to keep his promise. ‘ Hebrews 10:23(NLT)

We cannot point to any era in the past and say that was when things were done right. What we can do is point to Scripture and say that it contains the key to understanding how God created us as men and women, and that His plan for women is far better than any definition society has given us in the past. 

After Paul’s words on marriage and the responsibilities of the husband, he concludes the passage in Ephesians 5 with the wife’s response to her husband’s selfless love: “The wife must see to it that she respects her husband” (v. 33). The Greek word for “respect” in this verse comes from the root word “phobos,” from which we get our word “phobia,” but it doesn’t have the same connotation. It means reverence, not fear. 

Many women do not realize how deeply men need to feel honored and respected. A man feels loved when he is encouraged—when his wife steps into his life and communicates by words and actions, “I believe in you.” When she willingly supports and encourages his leadership, she is making a profound statement that will resonate deeply in his heart. She is acknowledging the position God has put him in and respecting his God-given role. 

When a man loses the respect of his wife, he will shut down, be passive-aggressive, bury himself in his fantasy teams or his work, and have no idea what’s going on in the hearts of his wife and children. It is devastating for a man not to be honored and respected. 

The fear of failure is one of the greatest fears every man secretly lives with. That’s one reason men are such experts at overcompensating. We focus on the things we know we can be good at, like our work or sports or hobbies. We know what we are doing there. 

Women often respond to a man’s insecurity by taking the reins of the family and trying to control their husbands and children. This ultimately sabotages the marriage. When God instructs wives to submit, it’s not because the husband is inherently better or more important, nor is it because he is necessarily more capable or qualified. A wife’s  submission to her husband builds him up and empowers him to lead. 

In what ways does a wife’s role meet her husband’s needs? What can a husband do to create a safe environment for his wife to fulfill her role?

from Marriage That Works by Chip Ingram

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1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

Loving Your Wife Sacrificially

‘“So fear the Lord and serve him wholeheartedly. Put away forever the idols your ancestors worshiped when they lived beyond the Euphrates River and in Egypt. Serve the Lord alone. But if you refuse to serve the Lord , then choose today whom you will serve. Would you prefer the gods your ancestors served beyond the Euphrates? Or will it be the gods of the Amorites in whose land you now live? But as for me and my family, we will serve the Lord .”’ Joshua 24:14-15(NLT)

‘For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word. He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. ‘ Ephesians 5:25-28(NLT)

‘Husbands, love your wives and never treat them harshly.’ Colossians 3:19(NLT)

I believe there are three specific ways to love your wife the Ephesians 5 way that will change the nature of your relationship: (1) love her sacrificially, (2) love her intentionally, and (3) love her sensitively. The kind of love Jesus has for the church cost him something. The kind of love a husband has for his wife should cost him something too. 

One of the ways you can love your wife sacrificially is in how you demonstrate your preferences. When you choose her over the other “loves” in your life, you make a statement about her value to you. For me, a simple decision to go on a walk with my wife instead of watching a much-anticipated NBA game conveyed to her a strong since of worth and even sacrifice. I didn’t know it would have that effect, but my wife later shared how valued she felt when I chose her above watching the game, especially since she understood how much I enjoyed sports. 

Love your wife intentionally. Have you ever asked her what her dreams are? How you can help her do what she feels like God created her to do? You are not only her leader; you are also her facilitator. God has given her to you to help support you in your God-given mission in life, but loving her sacrificially means doing the same for her. One of your greatest opportunities in marriage is to purposely seek to develop your wife’s beauty and gifts and to help her grow spiritually, emotionally, and physically. 

Love your wife sensitively. Little things are important to your spouse. As you nourish and cherish her, don’t always look for the big gestures. Simple words of encouragement make a huge difference. Calling when you have no reason to call touches her in a way most men will not understand. Planning a date and working out all the arrangements makes her feel secure and loved. It’s what many women call “sensitivity.” It means being aware of what’s going on in her life and being willing to meet her there. 

If you are a man, which aspects of sacrificial love seem most challenging to you? What immediate practical steps can you take to love your wife more sacrificially, intentionally, or sensitively? If you are a woman, what attitudes and actions do you think will most help the man in your life grow into his role as the Bible defines it?

from Marriage That Works by Chip Ingram

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1st Marriage 2nd Marriage ZZ

Understanding Submission for a Woman

‘Who can find a virtuous and capable wife? She is more precious than rubies.’ Proverbs 31:10(NLT)

‘She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.’ Proverbs 31:12(NLT)

‘So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.’ Ephesians 5:33(NLT)

‘You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had. Though he was God, he did not think of equality with God as something to cling to. Instead, he gave up his divine privileges ; he took the humble position of a slave and was born as a human being. When he appeared in human form, he humbled himself in obedience to God and died a criminal’s death on a cross.’ Philippians 2:5-8(NLT)

Men are in charge, and women are supposed to submit to them. It’s an age-old stereotype, isn’t it? Some have claimed this as Christian teaching. That is wrong. As we are learning, it is really a distortion of what the Bible says. It’s an abuse of Christian truth that ignores context and focuses on only a few isolated, misinterpreted phrases. Men and societies with an inflated sense of patriarchy have for centuries exploited Scripture to control women. 

The truth is that mutual submission is the background of our entire discussion of male and female roles. Both men and women look to God to say, “I’m going to submit to you and do life your way, according to your Word.” Then they turn to each other and say, “I’m going to seek your needs and your well-being above my own.” 

Marriage is never about establishing your own rights or telling your mate what he or she is supposed to do. God’s words to men are directed toward men, not toward women to use as a weapon against their men; and God’s words to women are directed toward women, not toward men to use as a weapon against their women. When each person takes the words directed specifically at them to heart, beautiful things happen. When we cross lines and direct those words at each other, we stir up conflict. 

The questions to ask your spouse are, “How can I make you more successful? How can I love you more deeply? How can I serve you well?” Those questions fit under the umbrella of mutual submission. We are given a vivid picture of it in Philippians 2:3–4: Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.

This teaching is written to all members of the church at Philippi. In Christian thought, submission is not an exception or for one group of people; it is the norm. In fact, the following verses (Phil. 2:5–8) command us to have this other-centered attitude toward everyone just as Christ did. We, like Jesus, are to take up the role of servant, and applying this to the marriage relationship should not be surprising at all. 

The faith needed to submit to one another releases a powerful work of the Holy Spirit in our marriages. What is hardest for you to trust God with by submitting to your spouse?

from Marriage That Works by Chip Ingram