Category: 1st Marriage

‘For you have been called to live in freedom, my brothers and sisters. But don’t use your freedom to satisfy your sinful nature. Instead, use your freedom to serve one another in love. ‘ Galatians 5:13(NLT)

For you, dear friends, have been called to live in freedom—not freedom to satisfy your sinful nature, but freedom to serve one another in love. (Gal. 5:13 NLT)

Many police cars have this slogan on the side: “To protect and to serve.” The authority of a husband as the head of his home exists for the same two purposes. Righteous authority can only be used in this manner. Any other use of authority is abusive and self-serving.

The misuse of authority has led many women to flinch when the word submission is brought up. Today’s women often view submission to men as an outdated and humiliating concept. Much of this response is due to the failure of men to be Christlike leaders in their homes.

Let’s go back to the two purposes of authority. One of the reasons God gives men the position as head of the home is to protect his wife. Let me give you an example of this in my own marriage. First of all, Karen is my equal. My authority as her husband isn’t about domination or superiority. It’s about protection.

Every good marriage thrives on cooperation and respect. So when do I use authority? I use it when I see Karen doing something that would put her at risk. An example is her back. She had an injury about fifteen years ago that led to a surgery. The only time you will ever see me being bossy with Karen is when I see her about to lift something that would damage her back. Men should protect their wives. The Bible uses the word cherish to describe how husbands should love their wives. It means to protect from all harm.

The other purpose of authority is to serve. Jesus was a servant leader and taught us to be the same. Men should be the servant leaders of their homes. This means two things. First of all it means that he is the loving initiator of the well-being of the home—respecting his wife as his equal. Rather than being passive or dominant, a servant leader initiates discussions and actions related to such things as children, finances, spirituality, and romance as he invites the advice and influence of his wife.

The second thing that a servant leader does is use his position to bring others to their highest potential. The Bible says a man should nourish his wife. The word nourish in that text means to “feed to maturity.” A good husband is God’s partner to bring his wife to the full purpose God created her for—which is always great. When a wife knows that her husband is her biggest fan and is there to promote and protect her, she’s in heaven.

Talk It Out | Wives, tell your husband about a time that you appreciated his role in protecting and serving you. Tell him how it made you feel and why it’s important to you. As a couple, talk about ways you can deepen your sense of cooperation in your marriage.

Walk It Out | Look at some pictures from early in your marriage or when you were dating. Talk about some of your favorite memories.

from One: A Marriage Devotional by Jimmy Evans

‘Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other. ‘ Romans 12:10(NLT)

‘Then he said to the woman, “I will sharpen the pain of your pregnancy, and in pain you will give birth. And you will desire to control your husband, but he will rule over you. ”’ Genesis 3:16(NLT)

Love each other with genuine affection and take delight in honoring each other. (Romans 12:10 NLT)

Dominance is one of the most damaging dynamics that can exist in any relationship—especially marriage. God simply didn’t intend for marriage to be a relationship where one spouse would dominate the other.

To understand this, we have to go back to the Garden of Eden before the fall of mankind. In the Bible, there isn’t a reference indicating Adam was superior to Eve or vice versa, until the fall. After Adam and Eve ate of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, God pronounced a curse over them. In Genesis 3:16, we find that He told Eve her desire would be for her husband, and he (Adam) would rule over her. The word desire in that scripture means “a desire to usurp authority.”

Dominance and a struggle for power or superiority in a marriage are the result of our fallen nature, and they destroy intimacy and goodwill in the relationship. Early in our marriage, I was very dominant over Karen and didn’t respect her input or value her as a person. It led us to the brink of divorce. In a dark moment in my life, the light of Christ broke through my hard heart and I made the decision to stop dominating Karen and to begin treating her as an equal. The results were astounding.

It must be understood that dominance is as common among women as it is men. There is only one answer—both spouses must surrender themselves and the marriage to the authority of Christ and stop trying to control the marriage. This means the dominant spouse must have a humble attitude and “stand down.” It also means the dominated spouse must stop enabling the dominance. He or she must lovingly “stand up” and take an active, equal position in the relationship.

Marriage is a partnership of two equals under God’s authority.

The best marriages are those where both the husband and wife are committed to doing God’s will. Their time and energy isn’t spent fighting each other; it is spent finding God’s will and doing it. This is how God created marriage to function in the beginning. It’s still the only way it works.

Talk It Out | Spend a few minutes separately thinking about the issue of being equals in your marriage. Then talk about it together and determine any changes you need to make in order to keep your marriage an active and equal partnership.

Walk It Out | Turn off the television or any other distraction and give each other your undivided attention during your dinner meals this week. If you have young children and mealtimes are hectic, use the time after the kids are in bed to focus on each other and have a real conversation.

from One: A Marriage Devotional by Jimmy Evans

‘Let all that I am praise the Lord ; with my whole heart, I will praise his holy name. Let all that I am praise the Lord ; may I never forget the good things he does for me.’ Psalms 103:1-2(NLT)

Bless the Lord, O my soul; and all that is within me, bless His holy name! Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all His benefits. (Psalm 103:1-2)

One thing that draws us together as men and women in marriage is our God-designed differences. Unfortunately, it is also one of the primary things that causes us to become frustrated with each other and to reject one another as being weird or abnormal.

Men and women are different by God’s design. We think differently from each other. Our major needs are different. God created us with significantly different natures. We need to accept this fact and not allow our minds to be deceived by the lie that there is someone of the opposite sex who is just like us.

I am amused when I see commercials on television about websites that offer single people an opportunity to find their ideal partner. Now, even though I hope everyone finds a compatible spouse, it is unrealistic to think that you’re going to find someone just like you.

Up until now you may have viewed your differences as a curse rather than a blessing. I want to help you be thankful for differences. That’s right; the differences between you and your spouse are actually something you should celebrate.

A man I once counseled discovered that truth after thirty years of marriage. He had never experienced an ounce of intimacy with his wife until they began to work on the problem. They made real progress and this is what he told me. “We’ve now gone through three levels in our relationship. In the first one, we totally rejected each other’s differences. Then for about fifteen years we tolerated each other’s differences.

Recently, I’ve come to understand that we can celebrate each other’s differences. I am ashamed to say it has taken me thirty years of marriage to learn this. Finally, I have come to the place I can look at her and say, ‘Thank God for the differences in my wife.’”

Knowing how to celebrate the differences in your spouse will make all the difference in your relationship. And here’s an important key: friends do celebrate their differences.

They enjoy the fact that one person has a gift or a skill they don’t have, or that one person sees things from a different perspective than they do. That’s the way best friends are.

So count your spouse as your best friend. Know that your differences can be dynamic rather than dangerous in your relationship.

Talk It Out | What are some of the gifts or skills your spouse has that you don’t have? Express your appreciation for the strengths you see in your spouse, and talk about ways you can appreciate and celebrate your differences.

Walk It Out | One morning this week, start your day with a date. Wake up early and go to breakfast together.

from One: A Marriage Devotional by Jimmy Evans

‘So humble yourselves under the mighty power of God, and at the right time he will lift you up in honor. ‘ 1 Peter 5:6(NLT)

Humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time. (1 Peter 5:6)

Adam and Eve were the first married couple. They were created in a place called Eden, which means “pleasure and delight.” God intended for them to live in an environment of peace, abundance, and love.

So, how did things change from paradise to the pain and failure we see today? To understand the answer we must first realize that when Adam and Eve sinned, they caused the fall of mankind. Even though that is true, it isn’t the complete reason for the problems we see today. The fuller reason is blame transfer.

You see, when God confronted Adam and Eve about their sin, they refused to accept responsibility for it. You can read the account yourself in the third chapter of Genesis. The short
version is this: Adam blamed Eve for his sin and Eve blamed the devil. They were both unwilling to admit their faults and take responsibility for their actions.

Even though Adam and Eve’s failure was thousands of years ago, their sin lives on today in the lives of many couples. I have counseled a great number of husbands and wives who just would not take responsibility for their own problems. In most cases, they were convinced that if their spouses would change, all of their problems would be solved. Of course, their spouses had the opposite opinion.

So how do you break this dangerous cycle of blame transfer?

Here are three simple steps:

1. Stop focusing on your spouse’s problems. You can’t change him or her, but you can change yourself; once you change, the marriage changes.

2. Don’t make it about your spouse; make it about God. Be willing to deal honestly with God about your own issues, and you will experience a new level of grace, peace, and power in your life.

3. Be humble. James chapter four tells us that God resists proud people, but gives grace to humble people. Humility is attractive and contagious. Pride is repulsive, but unfortunately it is also contagious.

To have a functional and successful marriage and family, we must be willing to be honest and humble people who take responsibility for our own issues. Rather than living as victims of other people’s mistakes, we can live as victors if we will take responsibility for our own problems and trust God to deal with the faults of our spouse and others.

Talk It Out | In reading this description of blame transfer, do you recognize areas in your life where this occurs? If so, talk about it honestly and openly with each other, and pray for each other as you submit these issues to God.

Walk It Out | Have a game night this week. It could be cards or checkers, bowling or miniature golf—just choose something you can play together and have fun!

from One: A Marriage Devotional by Jimmy Evans

‘And he gives grace generously. As the Scriptures say, “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.” So humble yourselves before God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come close to God, and God will come close to you. Wash your hands, you sinners; purify your hearts, for your loyalty is divided between God and the world. Let there be tears for what you have done. Let there be sorrow and deep grief. Let there be sadness instead of laughter, and gloom instead of joy. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up in honor.’ James 4:6-10(NLT)

God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble…Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and He will lift you up. (James 4:6,10)

I love this statement: “The best person does the right thing first.” Much of the destructive tit-for-tat fighting in marriages is the result of a standoff between the husband and wife. Both are doing the wrong thing—and justifying it because of the wrong their spouse is doing.

In most cases, each party believes his or her position to be the right and noble position. With jaw set and mind made up, each person is waiting for the other to do the right thing and change. The problem is both spouses have this same attitude. Thus, the proverbial “irresistible force” meets the “immovable object” and another marriage bites the dust.

That premise brings to mind a song from my childhood sung by Roger Miller, titled “Husbands and Wives”:

Two broken hearts, lonely, looking like houses where nobody lives,

Two people each having so much pride inside neither side forgives.

The angry words spoken in haste, such a waste of two lives,

It’s my belief pride is the chief cause in the decline
of a number of husbands and wives.

Those words tell a story that is sadly true and common. Pride destroys marriages. Let me repeat my opening statement: “The best person does the right thing first.” Humility is the mark of the best person. Rather than justifying wrongdoing and responding to immaturity with immaturity—humility responds with a different spirit and a higher standard.

In all my years of marriage counseling, I have seen countless scenarios where two prideful and stubborn people were at a standoff, each waiting for the other person to flinch. Many of these situations didn’t end well. My favorite stories, however, are those where a humble person stepped forward and was willing to be the redeemer of the tough situation. While even those scenarios don’t turn out well 100 percent of the time, the percentage is certainly very high.

One person doing the right thing can turn a situation around.

When you choose to do the right thing, God can use your humility and godly character as a conduit to infuse His love and power into your marriage!

Talk It Out | Is there an issue of pride that is keeping distance between you? Talk about what it is and how you can take the first steps toward closing the gap by having a humble attitude toward each other.

Walk It Out | Don’t leave the house this week without giving each other a sincere hug and kiss every morning this week. Pray a blessing over each other’s day.

from One: A Marriage Devotional by Jimmy Evans

‘But let all who take refuge in you rejoice; let them sing joyful praises forever. Spread your protection over them, that all who love your name may be filled with joy.’ Psalms 5:11(NLT)

‘Don’t be concerned about the outward beauty of fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes. You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God. This is how the holy women of old made themselves beautiful. They put their trust in God and accepted the authority of their husbands. For instance, Sarah obeyed her husband, Abraham, and called him her master. You are her daughters when you do what is right without fear of what your husbands might do.’ 1 Peter 3:3-6(NLT)

Let all those rejoice who put their trust in You; let them ever shout for joy, because you defend them. (Psalm 5:11)

Women are simply incredible, especially when it comes to relationships. When it comes to marriage, women initiate the vast majority of marriage counseling. When something is wrong with their marriages, most women seek to fix it and are much more open to getting outside help. Having said all of that, there is one major fault that most women deal with as it relates to men and marriage. The problem is fear.

Fear is the opposite of faith. It causes you to over-react to issues and to act in a manner that actually causes your fears to come true. The following Scripture from the book of 1 Peter speaks to the issue of women, marriage and fear.

Do not let your adornment be merely outward—arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel— rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God. For in this manner, in former times, the holy women who trusted in God also adorned themselves, being submissive to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, whose daughters you are if you do good and are not afraid with any terror. (1 Peter 3:3-6)

In verse six, Peter tells women that they are called to be like Sarah, Abraham’s wife (the father of faith), but they will have to overcome “terror” to be able to follow her example.

Because women are very relational and caring, the devil tries to use their strengths as his open door. When things go wrong in the home or a husband is falling short of the standard of God’s Word, women intuitively know it and want to do something about it.

There are always two choices: faith and fear.

Fear motivates you to act according to your emotions and to Try to force results. Fear magnifies a husband’s misbehavior and then prophesies to his wife gloom and doom for the future. Ultimately, it drives her to do the wrong thing and to justify what she does because she is trying to save the day.

Faith is just the opposite. Faith tells you to believe God, do the right thing, and trust Him for the results. Instead of acting on your emotions, you choose to pray and place your confidence in the Lord. According to Peter, this is the right choice for wives who want to get real results.

Talk It Out | Wives, in what area of your marriage do you sometimes react in fear instead of faith? Husbands, talk with your wife about ways you can come alongside her and help her replace her fear with faith in God.

Walk It Out | Begin planning a special weekend away from home—no children, laptops, cell phones, etc. For convenience, you can make it a place that is a short drive or flight from home, but make it a place where you can reconnect and focus on each other and your marriage.

from One: A Marriage Devotional by Jimmy Evans

‘Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.’ Proverbs 3:5-6(NLT)

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths. (Prov. 3:5-6)

There is a dangerous dynamic that sets up in many marriages. I call it the teeter-totter syndrome. It is based upon the dynamic where we naturally respond to our spouse’s behavior. When one spouse moves to an unhealthy or extreme position, the other spouse will almost always adjust to the other extreme to protect themselves and the relationship.

Imagine two people sitting face-to-face in the middle of a teeter-totter on a playground. They are close and their weight is balanced. But what happens if one of them moves backwards? You know how it works. On a teeter-totter, everything the other person does on their side affects you on your side—just like marriage.

If the other person on a teeter-totter moves backwards, then you also have to move backwards to keep the balance. If they continue to move backwards, you have to keep moving.

The way it works in real life is like this: one spouse is out of control in their spending so the other spouse has to go to extremes to try to protect the money. One spouse is distant with the kids and won’t discipline them, so the other spouse has to become the disciplinarian and full-time attendant. One spouse becomes a religious fanatic and tries to enforce a legalistic environment in the home, so the other spouse fights to keep some fun and balance.

Our natural response when we perceive a wrong move on our spouse’s part is to adjust accordingly to a “balancing” position. This is the teeter-totter syndrome. Almost all couples have experienced it, but there is a way to avoid it.

The answer is threefold. The first step is loving communication and pursuit. Talk to your spouse about their behavior and tell them you feel a distance. Don’t react and create even more distance.

The second step is to take responsibility for your own actions. Remember, you began face-to-face in the middle of the teeter-totter. If you’ve moved, you’re wrong. Be humble and realize that some of your spouse’s actions could have been in response to your moving away.

The third step is to get help. If you can’t resolve an issue on your own, don’t sit by as your marriage grows more distant and the problems more dangerous. Get help. Be willing to get
advice and take it. Don’t be satisfied until you are sitting faceto-face again. Remember, that is where you started, and the best times in your marriage are spent right there!

Talk It Out | Have you experienced the teeter-totter syndrome in your marriage? Talk about anything that has gotten out of balance and how you can bring it back into balance.

Walk It Out | Do an activity together that requires balance—skating, bike riding, or walking on a narrow path. Compare how different factors can make you lose your balance (wind or other weather elements, distractions, losing focus). Talk about how this applies to other situations in your marriage and life.

from One: A Marriage Devotional by Jimmy Evans

‘You know what I am going to say even before I say it, Lord .’ Psalms 139:4(NLT)

Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord. (Psalm 139:4 NIV)

For the first fifteen years of our marriage, money was the most difficult subject for us to discuss. Today, money is a blessing and we can talk about it without any friction. Let me tell you two things we did that helped us in this area.

First, we submitted our finances to the Lord. Before making decisions, we pray. We don’t try to dominate each other or “win” arguments over money. We both realize that if we pray and find God’s will, He will bless us and we won’t fight.

Second, we began to honor each other’s money language. In the bad days of our marriage I would call Karen a tightwad and she would call me a spendthrift. We each see money very
differently and it caused us to argue and accuse each other.

Then one day I read an article by financial psychologist Kenneth Doyle about the four different money languages. Each of us has a predominant money language that affects our perceptions and decisions. The four money languages are:

Driver – Money means success. A driver says “I love you” by buying things and showing you through material objects you are important to them. Obviously, taken too far this can become materialistic and non-relational.

Analytic – Money means security. Analytics say “I love you” through saving and planning for the future. Taken too far they can become miserable, no fun and controlling. They can also communicate more value for money than people.

Amiable – Money means love. An amiable says “I love you” by sharing and giving. Without balance and wisdom, an amiable can be impulsive and unprepared for the future.

Expressive – Money means acceptance. Expressives say “I love you” by buying, showing and sharing. Taken too far, expressives use money the way some people use alcohol—to deal with pain and anxiety in a wrong manner.

When reading these descriptions, most couples are able to immediately identify themselves and their spouses. Approximately eighty percent of all couples have different money languages. Understanding these differences helps you identify the strengths and weaknesses you both have, and it can actually help you make better money decisions because you are able to balance each other’s perspective.

Talk It Out | Identify which money language you think describes you and share that with each other. Talk about the ways you can balance each other’s tendencies when making financial decisions.

Walk It Out | Set aside a certain amount of money to help someone. Ask God to show you a family or individual whom you could bless by giving them a gift card or buying a specific item they need but can’t afford.

from One: A Marriage Devotional by Jimmy Evans

‘But people who long to be rich fall into temptation and are trapped by many foolish and harmful desires that plunge them into ruin and destruction. For the love of money is the root of all kinds of evil. And some people, craving money, have wandered from the true faith and pierced themselves with many sorrows.
Paul’s Final Instructions
But you, Timothy, are a man of God; so run from all these evil things. Pursue righteousness and a godly life, along with faith, love, perseverance, and gentleness. Fight the good fight for the true faith. Hold tightly to the eternal life to which God has called you, which you have declared so well before many witnesses. ‘ 1 Timothy 6:9-12(NLT)

Now godliness with contentment is great gain. But those who desire to be rich fall into temptation and a snare, and into many foolish and harmful lusts which drown men in destruction and perdition. For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil… (1 Timothy 6:6, 9-10)

In the verses above, the Apostle Paul gave Timothy a warning about money. He began by talking about the issue of contentment. Contentment is the opposite of greed. A spirit of contentment is crucial in financial success because it is able to wait for things. Also, as it waits, it is thankful to God for what He has already provided. Contentment does not mean you don’t want more. It just means that as you pray and believe God for more, you trust Him for His provision as you thank
Him for all He has done in the past.

Without contentment, you are driven to get more and many times take for granted what God has done. Even worse, discontentment is often unthankful and negative about present circumstances. That is offensive to God and is an attitude He won’t bless. Even though He always loves you, He is like any good parent. He rewards thankfulness and obedience and won’t reward bad attitudes and rebellion.

The fruit of discontentment is debt, division in your marriage and being deceived into believing that money and material objects will fulfill you. The worst result of discontentment is the loss of intimacy with God. Because you are not thankful and dependent upon Him, money becomes your god and replaces the Lord as the object of your attention, affection and trust.

Paul also warned Timothy that people who desire to be rich fall into temptations and snares that lead to destruction. You need to realize that God wants to bless you financially. Wealth is a blessing from God. The issue is not that God does not want you to be rich. The issue is that money should not be the chief goal of your life and the love of money should not overshadow your love for God. The number one desire of your life should be to please God and obey His will.

God wants to bless you and give you your heart’s desires. He is a good God. However, God blesses you as you thank Him daily for what He has done and maintain a spirit of contentment. You unashamedly pray and plan for more, but are willing to wait until He guides and provides.
This is the secret of a financially blessed marriage.

Talk It Out | Thank God for giving you food, covering and the basics of life. Pray together about your financial needs, desires and dreams. As you do this regularly, it will transform your marriage and your relationship with God.

Walk It Out | Put into practice the concept of contentment by blessing someone else. Volunteer at a shelter or soup kitchen, or give a financial gift to a non-profit organization whose cause you believe in.

from One: A Marriage Devotional by Jimmy Evans

‘“If they listen and obey God, they will be blessed with prosperity throughout their lives. All their years will be pleasant.’ Job 36:11(NLT)

‘He said, “A nobleman was called away to a distant empire to be crowned king and then return. Before he left, he called together ten of his servants and divided among them ten pounds of silver, saying, ‘Invest this for me while I am gone.’ ‘ Luke 19:12-13(NLT)

If they obey and serve Him, they shall spend their days in prosperity, and their years in pleasures. (Job 36:11)

I read some marriage research the other day that made me laugh. Apparently someone did a study of married couples in which they asked the husbands and wives separately how much money they earned as a household and how much total wealth they possessed.

The typical husband tended to report that the couple earns 5 percent more income and has 10 percent more total wealth than the typical wife reported.

I laughed when I read that because I thought to myself, “It’s no wonder there is so much conflict in marriage over money. Couples can’t even agree on how much they have!”

One survey indicated that the average family felt that their financial difficulties could all be solved with 25 percent more income. But when income does increase, a family’s wants and expenses seem to increase right along with it.

Many people are surprised to learn that the Bible has a lot to say about these issues. Luke 19:12-13 records a parable of Jesus that has an important message about money management. “Therefore, a certain nobleman went to a distant country to receive a kingdom for himself, and then return. And he called ten of his slaves, and gave them ten minas, and said to them, ‘Do business with this until I come back.’”

The practical application for us is that Jesus is the nobleman, and we are the servants left in charge of certain resources. The lesson we can learn from this story is that God owns everything. It is not my part, your part, the bank’s part, the government’s part—it is all His. Like the nobleman, He gives it to us to “do business with” for an undetermined time.

The ancient Hebrews had a view of life which I believe has been largely lost today. They believed all of life was God’s business. If you were a carpenter, you were an ordained carpenter—God’s carpenter. If you were a fisherman, you were God’s fisherman—and fishing was holy work.

In your marriage, it’s important to establish financial priorities, agree on a budget you both can live with, and then work together to keep the financial ship afloat. When you do this, there is harmony in the area of your finances. Just remember, true prosperity is not wealth. Prosperity is progress toward a predetermined, worthwhile goal.

Talk It Out | Each of you take a sheet of paper and write down, in order of importance, the top five financial goals you would like to achieve. Compare your lists and discuss how you can form one list from the two. Then pray and ask God to bless these goals and help you achieve them.

Walk It Out | This week, come up with a creative way to go on an inexpensive date. Instead of dinner and a movie, take sandwiches to the park, browse a free museum, or visit a local attraction. Think of other ways you can save money toward achieving your financial goals, without sacrificing your time together.

from One: A Marriage Devotional by Jimmy Evans