Category: 1st Marriage

‘Plans go wrong for lack of advice; many advisers bring success.’ Proverbs 15:22(NLT)

Without counsel, plans go awry, but in the multitude of counselors they are established. (Proverbs 15:22)

In many major cities, especially in the South, you will notice an emergency designation on main highways that is there to help people flee when a dangerous hurricane is approaching. Local authorities wisely plan before a disaster strikes, because it can save lives and prevent chaos from setting in and creating even more problems than a natural disaster.

Couples also need to have a disaster plan for their marriages. It is almost inevitable that every couple will face an impasse at some point. It could be over the issue of sex, children, in-laws, money, an affair, or any number of issues.

An emergency plan simply means you have agreed together that in the event you can’t work things out as a couple, you will go together to seek and submit to pastoral or professional Christian counsel. Without this, a dangerous dynamic can set in and you will either lock down into a running battle or, just as bad, square off in a cold war.

About twenty years ago, Karen and I reached an impasse in our marriage concerning an issue. We had already decided that if we couldn’t work things out between us we would submit to counseling, so we went to one of the women counselors at the church I was pastoring. We knew her well and both trusted her.

At the end of the session, she sided with Karen. She told me that I didn’t understand the situation properly, and then she tried to help me see a different perspective. Honestly, I struggled with her decision; however, I had decided to submit to her counsel. The case was closed. I apologized to Karen and followed the counselor’s advice.

Looking back twenty years later, it was a crucial point in our relationship. Since then, we have dealt with the same issue many times but have never had a serious problem. Also, in looking back, the counselor was right. I was wrong in the way I was looking at the situation and in the way I was relating to Karen. I am very glad I submitted myself to spiritual counsel.

Like I said before, I believe almost every couple will face an impasse at some point in their marriage over an issue that can threaten the future of their relationship. Having an emergency relief plan for your marriage is as important as a hurricane route is for a community on the Gulf of Mexico. It may not happen very often, but when it does, it can mean the difference between life and death—peace and chaos.

Talk It Out | Do you have an emergency relief plan for your marriage? Now is the best time to map out your strategy. Decide on a pastor, leader or professional Christian counselor whom you would both trust, and agree beforehand that you will follow their advice. Also discuss the warning signs that will let you both know it’s time to implement the emergency plan.

Walk It Out | Leave a note in an unexpected place–on the bathroom mirror, on her pillow, or taped to the steering wheel of his car–just to say “I’m thinking of you.”

from One: A Marriage Devotional by Jimmy Evans

‘Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever. ‘ Hebrews 13:8(NLT)

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever. (Hebrews 13:8)

In your house, I’m sure you have a thermostat that controls the heating and/or air conditioning. On that thermostat there is also a thermometer that shows the actual temperature. Of course, the thermostat is the more important of the two, because it actually controls the environment. The thermometer merely reflects the work of the thermostat.

In marriage, you must determine what the thermostat of your relationship is going to be—emotion or decision. In other words, how are you going to control the atmosphere of your relationship? Is it going to be determined by how you feel or by deciding to do the right thing regardless of how you feel?

When you build your marriage upon the thermostat of decision, it doesn’t mean that emotions aren’t important. It simply means that both of you are willing to act above your emotions if they are negative or passive. Because you act in a positive and proactive manner on a consistent basis, your emotions become the thermometer of the marriage that reflects a stable and passionate relationship.

But when emotions are the thermostat of your marriage, you’re in for a rough ride. The dangerous thing about living based on emotion is the inconsistency of it. You simply cannot predict your emotions. You never know when you are going to feel up or down. But even worse than that is the fact that the more you act upon your emotions, the more unsuccessful life becomes, which produces even more negative emotions—and then more negative behavior.

You’ve probably heard me say this before, but love is a decision, not an emotion. True love is the choice to do the right thing for the object of your affection regardless of negative circumstances or the other person’s behavior. It also includes the decision to be committed through every phase, challenge, and season of marriage without wavering.

Don’t worship your emotions. They will lead you to a rollercoaster ride of frustration and failure. Worship God and let His love be the standard for your own. God’s love is stable and consistent. Through the ups and downs of life, His love for you never changes.

Talk It Out | Is it time for a new thermostat in your marriage? Think of a situation when your emotions caused you to respond negatively to each other. What choices could you make to be proactive in changing that behavior before your emotions take control?

Walk It Out | Go on a lunch date this week, just the two of you. Try out a special restaurant you wouldn’t normally go to, and choose a day when your schedule isn’t rushed so that you can spend a little extra time just relaxing and talking about the events of your week.

from One: A Marriage Devotional by Jimmy Evans

‘Whatever you do, do well. For when you go to the grave, there will be no work or planning or knowledge or wisdom.’ Ecclesiastes 9:10(NLT)

Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with your might. (Ecclesiastes 9:10)

There is an interesting paradox about successful marriages. The first part of the paradox has to do with the fact that, according to research, the most successful couples are those with high expectations for their marriages. However, high expectations by themselves are a setup for disappointment and sure failure unless they are combined with a realistic assessment of what it will take to make those dreams come true.

This is the essence of the paradox—high expectations must be combined with a tough-minded commitment to pay the price necessary to attain the desired outcome. It’s no different from having a dream to own a successful business. The desire is wonderful as long as you expect to have to work hard and make some sacrifices. The same is true of a desire to have a body that is in great shape. The desire must be combined with a commitment to eat right and exercise; otherwise, it will never happen.

Somehow, people understand the connection between high expectations and hard work in every area of life except for marriage. Some couples are convinced that if they have to work too hard in marriage, there must be something wrong. No, there’s nothing wrong. Marriage is work, and it only works when people are willing to roll up their sleeves and give it their best.

If you want to succeed in marriage, you need to begin with a big dream in your heart for what you want to accomplish. Make sure it’s realistic, but don’t let it be too small. God is the God of big dreams. Then, once you have a big dream and some high expectations, commit yourself to working hard and sacrificing for as long as necessary to see your dreams come true. This also includes praying hard for God’s blessings and assistance.

Big dreams and hard work are the magic ingredients that create great marriages. Don’t give up. Dream again and talk and pray with your spouse until you have the same vision for your future. As you do, commit to God and each other to give your marriage your best. Expect difficulty and hard work. They aren’t your enemies. They are the inevitable path we all must travel on the way to our dream marriages. There are no exceptions and no “perfect soul mate” utopias. Just the promise of happiness for any good-hearted, hard-working couple who is willing to sweat their way to the promised land.

Talk It Out | Do you have high expectations and a big dream for your marriage? Have you given up and lowered your standards because of previous disappointments? Talk about the dreams you have had for your marriage and how to make them come true. Commit to each other that you will give your marriage your very best.

Walk It Out | Become your spouse’s biggest fan. Call, email, or send text messages during the day to stay in touch. At the end of the day, give each other your undivided attention. Remember your dating days and how you couldn’t stand to be apart—act the way you did back then!

from One: A Marriage Devotional by Jimmy Evans

‘People with integrity walk safely, but those who follow crooked paths will be exposed.’ Proverbs 10:9(NLT)

He who walks with integrity walks securely, but he who perverts his ways will become known. (Proverbs 10:9)

The word integrity means “completeness” or “wholeness.” It simply means that nothing is lacking and that everything is in proper condition. To live a life of integrity means that every area of your life is in a generally healthy and morally sound condition.

Of course, we all know that none of us are perfect. To have integrity doesn’t mean that perfection must be your standard. It simply means that you haven’t surrendered an area or areas of your life to unrepentant sin, illegal activity, deception, or any other type of serious compromise.

What you must understand about integrity in order to value it properly is the fact that one area of compromise can seriously damage or destroy you. The example I use to describe this is how a home is robbed. A burglar doesn’t need every door and window in a house to be opened for him to rob it. No, one entry point will allow him all of the access he needs to vandalize the entire home.

Likewise, the devil doesn’t need you to surrender your life entirely to sin before he can go to work. Just one area of compromise lets him in. Let me use marriage as an example. I have seen many very nice and well-intentioned couples whose marriages were destroyed over a simple principle such as financial disobedience to biblical standards. Even though all other areas of their marriages were generally sound, their downfall came from just one “open door.”

Of course, countless lives and marriages have been destroyed through sexual sin alone, or alcohol abuse or anger—the list could go on and on. The point I want to make is that we need to be people of integrity.

Integrity creates true security and safety for your marriage and family. It means you haven’t left a door open for the devil to rob you of your hopes and dreams. He is truly evil and is always looking for a way in to “steal, kill and destroy” (John 10:10). Therefore, you must not excuse sin in your life or justify an area of vice because you are otherwise a good person.

Take this issue seriously and choose to be a person of integrity.

Talk It Out | Have you left a door open in your life or marriage? You can close it by confessing it to the Lord and taking responsibility for your actions. Take a few minutes to pray together, asking the Lord to forgive you and give you the power to overcome any sin you may be struggling with. Commit to trust Him daily in these areas.

Walk It Out | Plan a date night this week and invite another couple you’ve been wanting to get to know. Building healthy relationships with couples who share your values and faith is a great way to strengthen your own marriage.

from One: A Marriage Devotional by Jimmy Evans

‘Who can find a virtuous and capable wife? She is more precious than rubies. Her husband can trust her, and she will greatly enrich his life. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.’ Proverbs 31:10-12(NLT)

Who can find a virtuous wife? For her worth is far above rubies. The heart of her husband safely trusts her; so he will have no lack of gain. She does him good and not evil all the days of her life. (Proverbs 31:10-12)

Trust is an essential element of intimacy and goodwill in marriage. The more you trust your spouse, the more you can relax when you’re together and open your hearts to each other. This is what makes a “comfortable” relationship. That doesn’t mean comfortable in the bad sense, where you are lazy and take each other for granted. This is comfortable in the best sense of the word.

The rewards of trust are immense. An example is sexual fulfillment. Nationwide polls prove that the best sex isn’t experienced by swinging singles. It is experienced mostly by married, monogamous, religious people.

I believe the reason for this is simple. Even though singles in a casual relationship may share a sexual encounter, the relationship remains superficial and performance-oriented. Rejection is frequent and trust is low, which contributes to decreased sexual gratification. However, in a committed relationship, trust is much higher and sex is better.

Another reward is in the area of communication. When you trust each other, it is easy to share your thoughts without fear and to resolve issues. You communicate on a much deeper level, which brings a sense of intimate friendship.

The benefits of trust in marriage don’t come automatically. The first requirement is responsible behavior. This means that you are careful about how your behavior affects your spouse. It also means that you say you’re sorry and make things right when you do something wrong.

Another important factor in building trust is consistency. If you do something hurtful or irresponsible that damages the trust in your marriage, your spouse’s forgiveness can restore the relationship; trust, however, can only be restored with consistency over time. The longer you go meeting each other’s needs, respecting each other’s feelings and doing the right thing, the stronger trust becomes. Consistency is the key.

Talk It Out | If you have done something to violate the trust of your spouse, make it right. Apologize and talk about ways to create a consistent pattern of positive and responsible behavior.

Walk It Out | Go to a greenhouse or nursery together and pick out a tree or flowering bush. Plant it in your yard or in an indoor container. As you watch it grow week after week, be reminded of the consistency that your relationship requires in order to build deep and lasting trust.

from One: A Marriage Devotional by Jimmy Evans

‘Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love.’ 1 Corinthians 13:13(NLT)

Now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love. (1 Corinthians 13:13)

About ten years ago my uncle Charles died. He was a good man and had a happy marriage of forty years to my aunt Peggy. As I was preparing to do his eulogy at the funeral, my aunt told me that he wrote her a new poem every day before he went to work and left it on the kitchen table. Wow!

Obviously, he understood the importance of keeping their romance alive on a daily basis.

One of the biggest misconceptions in marriage is that romance can be infrequent and a marriage will still stay strong. No relationship can be maintained solely through the right chemistry or the idea of being “soul mates.” A strong relationship is the product of developing the right relational habits and exercising important skills that help build and maintain a strong marriage.

So let’s talk about what romance is and what it isn’t. When you are romantic, you communicate a unique value to your spouse. It’s an action that says, “You are on my heart and I care about our relationship.” Romance means meeting an unspoken need or desire. If your spouse has to keep reminding you to do something special, it takes the romance out of the gesture. It is only romantic if you take the initiative to do something that your spouse will enjoy.

Also, a romantic gesture must be in a “language” your spouse understands. This is where many men and women make mistakes. Romance for a woman means physical affection without sex. It also means verbal affection—a lot of meaningful conversation. Meeting her relational needs in a
patient and caring manner is very romantic to a woman. Sex is not the primary issue for her. When she is sexual, it is in response to her emotional needs being met.

Romance means something very different for a man. He doesn’t need candlelight dinners and long walks to be romanced. There are two essentials elements involved in romance for him: honor and sex. A naked cheerleader is a perfect solution for his romantic needs!

The important thing is to communicate value and respect to your partner while demonstrating a servant’s spirit. The more you romance your spouse, the more passionate and healthy your marriage will become.

Talk It Out | Describe to each other what your definition of romance is. Remember, there are no right or wrong answers; it’s simply your perspective of what makes you feel special and loved.

Walk It Out | Sometime this week, do one of the things that your spouse identified as a gesture that would be especially romantic to him or her. Make sure it’s something that speaks your spouse’s romance language, not yours.

from One: A Marriage Devotional by Jimmy Evans

‘The generous will prosper; those who refresh others will themselves be refreshed.’ Proverbs 11:25(NLT)

The generous will prosper; those who refresh others will themselves be refreshed. (Proverbs 11:25 NLT)

There is a story I heard years ago about the difference between heaven and hell. It isn’t a biblically accurate story, but that’s not the point. It is accurate related to human behavior and how our attitudes affect our happiness in life and in marriage. Here it is:

In heaven and in hell, people are seated around a banquet table and before them is a great feast. There is a strange dilemma, however, about the way they must eat. Every person has eating utensils strapped to their hands that they cannot take off. Also, the utensils are too long for them to feed themselves. There is no way they could scoop food and return it to their own mouths.

In heaven, the people easily find the solution. With joy, they simply feed each other and have a great time of fellowship as they serve one another and enjoy the feast that heaven offers. Hell is much different. The people in hell are so selfish that they would rather starve to death than help someone else. Therefore, even though they have the same food available, they never experience it because they refuse to serve each other.

Like I said before, it isn’t an accurate account of what the Bible says; however, it is a very accurate picture of the difference between bad and good marriages. The primary difference in many cases between success or failure in marriage is simply whether you are motivated by selfishness or a servant attitude.

Just like in the story, a banquet is set before us in marriage. Both of us bring to the relationship amazing giftings, abilities, and personality that can nourish and bless our spouses. However, they can only be experienced if we focus on each other and are willing to serve and give.

I remember back to the “hell” days in our marriage when I was too selfish to meet Karen’s needs or focus on her. We lived in an emotional wilderness where both of us were miserable. I also remember when our season in hell ended and the “heaven” years began approximately thirty years ago. I saw the light and repented for my selfishness. Since then Karen and I have been committed to serving each other and meeting each other’s needs.

I like the story of heaven and hell. It’s a good reminder to all of us not to be selfish. Just remember, your marriage is full of every blessing you can ever hope for, but it can only be released as you are willing to serve your spouse.

Talk It Out | What are some of the giftings and abilities that each of you bring into the marriage relationship? Write down the positive qualities you see in your spouse, and compare your lists. Then talk about ways you can use those giftings to meet each other’s needs.

Walk It Out | Prepare a food item that your spouse really likes, and take turns serving the food to each other. It could be something as simple as microwave popcorn or it could be a full-course meal—whatever you choose. Use this as an opportunity to demonstrate your desire to serve each other.

from One: A Marriage Devotional by Jimmy Evans

‘For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her ‘ Ephesians 5:25(NLT)

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for it. (Ephesians 5:25)

I recently saw another report about how male sweat causes positive responses in women. The latest research was published by the University of California. In testing the effects of male sweat on women, they once again recorded positive hormonal changes for the majority of them who were exposed to its smell. This is significant.

First of all, those hormonal changes indicate sexual arousal. For any man who is looking for a way to rev up his wife’s libido, this is it. This is really good news—but there is a twist involved. To produce sweat, you have to exert effort. Jumping in a sauna and collecting sweat in a jar that you put under your wife’s nose probably won’t produce the desired result.

The issue is how God has wired women to respond to a sacrificial, servant-hearted man. Besides the sweat research, studies have shown that wives find their husbands sexually attractive when they are doing housework. Men really need to understand the truth of this. Whereas males are sexually wired to respond to visual stimuli, women respond more to emotional stimuli. Specifically, they are attracted to men who serve them and help around the house.

Another important element of the sweat research has to do with the calming influence male sweat has on women. A study that was conducted at the University of Pennsylvania found that male sweat causes women to relax and feel happy.

To look at the other side of this, without sweat, women tend to be more tense and less happy. I know a lot of men who wonder why their wives are so uptight and hormonal (in the negative sense). In many cases, it just goes back to the fact that they feel as though they are not being supported and served by their husbands. In other words, they just need to get a whiff of a little sweat around the house to calm down and get into a better mood.

When Karen and I first got married, I wanted her to honor me and respond to me sexually. I tried everything I knew to get the results I wanted. However, since I was very selfish at the time, serving Karen and helping around the house wasn’t something I tried very often.

Over the years as I have matured and grown as a husband, I have noticed that Karen is very uncomplicated. The more she feels as though I care and am there to support her, the more naturally honoring and sexually responsive she is. Even if I don’t break a sweat, her response is consistent.

Talk It Out | What does the “sweat meter” at your house reveal? Talk about the times you have noticed this principle at work in your marriage. Be open and honest about ways to improve in this area.

Walk It Out | Husbands, do a specific chore for your wife this week. It could be running an errand, shopping for groceries, or doing something around the house. (Based on the research referenced above, housework might be a good choice!).

from One: A Marriage Devotional by Jimmy Evans

‘Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. ‘ Colossians 3:12(NLT)

So as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. (Col. 3:12 NAS)

Humans are tender creatures. All of us are. Even though many times we pretend things don’t bother us, many things really do. I remember a situation that began with a phone call late one night from a frantic wife. She called us for help because she and her husband were having a terrible fight and he was packing to leave.

When we arrived at their home, it was chaotic. She was in the living room with the children. They were all very upset and crying. He was in the garage loading his car to leave. Karen tried to comfort her and I talked to him in the garage.

Here is the short version. The husband was the type of person who hid his personal pain beneath a tough exterior. The more hurt and afraid he felt, the more dominant and intimidating he acted. He’d found out weeks earlier that his wife had some physical problems that were pretty serious. He was concerned and told her to go to the doctor. She didn’t. Every time he reminded her she would just brush him off.

On the night of the fight, he became very dominant and forceful with her about another issue. However, what was really bothering him was the thought that she might die. He cherished her and couldn’t stand the thought that her medical problems might be terminal. His fears took over and emotions got out of control.

As we sat with them and talked things out, she watched him sob uncontrollably as he talked about how much he loved her and how afraid he was something might happen to her. She admitted that the reason she didn’t go to the doctor was because the possible cost. As you can see, both were bothered by something and both of their concerns were valid. However, because they didn’t honestly discuss their feelings, the situation nearly ended in tragedy.

I’ve learned over the years that everything matters. Because of that, I am honest about my feelings and sensitive to Karen’s. I realize that when I’m bothered by something Karen says or does, there is usually more to her behavior.

Rather than reacting to what she says, I’ve learned to pursue what is going on with her on a deeper level. On many occasions, this has kept me from reacting with rejection, withdrawal or verbal aggression. It has also caused me to deeply respect the sensitivity of Karen’s heart and my own as well.

Talk It Out | What underlying issues in your relationship are you reluctant to bring to the surface and talk about? This would be a good time to begin a conversation about sensitive issues that really matter and allow your spouse to see it from your perspective.

Walk It Out | Call your spouse at an unexpected time this week, just to say, “I’m thinking of you.”

from One: A Marriage Devotional by Jimmy Evans

‘But the wisdom from above is first of all pure. It is also peace loving, gentle at all times, and willing to yield to others. It is full of mercy and the fruit of good deeds. It shows no favoritism and is always sincere. ‘ James 3:17(NLT)

The wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, willing to yield, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality and without hypocrisy. (James 3:17)

This week I want to talk about the importance of men receiving influence from their wives. Women are more naturally open to receiving input from their husbands and sharing when it comes to relationships. However, men can view receiving input and influence from their wives as being weak.

It is common for men to fear being henpecked or controlled by their wives. In spite of the progress that has been made in the arena of women’s rights, male chauvinism is alive and well.

But beyond the issue of male chauvinism, there is a natural pride in just about every man that makes him highly sensitive to the issue of honor and esteem.

This is why men don’t stop and ask for directions when they are lost. It is also the reason they can be resistant to receiving advice and input from their wives. For all of the men reading this, I want you to know that it is very important for you to learn to receive input from your wife and to let her know that you value her ideas and feelings. Your need for esteem is important. But your wife’s need to feel valued in the relationship is of equal importance.

When Karen and I first got married, I was chauvinistic and very insecure. When Karen shared with me, I would roll my eyes, make sarcastic comments and let her know in no uncertain terms that I didn’t value her input. I’m a different man today. I deeply value Karen’s input; she is God’s gift to me. In every area of our marriage and my personal life, she has enriched me. She helps put me in touch with feelings I am not sensitive to without her. She helps me make better decisions because she has a unique perspective that broadens my viewpoint.

Karen has such incredible wisdom. I have learned to listen to her and value her ideas and feelings. It really makes a woman feel special and secure in a marriage when she knows her input is received. Few things hurt a woman more than to be rejected and devalued by her husband as she tries to share her viewpoints.

Women are a gift from God. Society is greatly benefited by the influence women bring to men. Without them, men are much less productive and much more dangerous to themselves and others. The more men understand how much they need women and value their input, the better they are.

Talk It Out | Husbands, let your wife know that you are thankful for her. Communicate to her how much you appreciate her ideas and feelings. Ask her for input in a decision or issue you are dealing with right now, and show her how much you value that input.

Walk It Out | Do something special this week to let your spouse know how much you love him or her. Send her flowers or buy him that cd he’s been wanting. Include a love note with your gift.

from One: A Marriage Devotional by Jimmy Evans